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THE 


HUMBUGS   OF    THE   WORLD. 


AN   ACCOUNT    OF   HUMBUGS,    DELUSIONS,    IMPOSITIONS, 

QUACKERIES,    DECEITS    AND    DECEIVERS 

GENERALLY,  IN    ALL   AGES. 


BY 

P.  T.   BARNUM. 

•Omne  ignotum  pro  miriflco."— "  Wonderful,  because  mysterious." 


NEW  YORK: 

CARLETOJY.  PUBLISHER,  413  BROADWAY. 
1866. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  In  the  year  1865,  by 

G.    W.    CARLETON, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


PUBLISHER'S  NOTE. 


ONE  of  Mr.  Barnum's  secrets  of  success  is  his  unique  methods 
of  advertising,  and  we  can  readily  understand  how  he  can  bear  to 
be  denounced  as  a  "  Humbug,"  because  this  popular  designation, 
though  undeserved  in  the  popular  acceptation  of  it,  "  brought  grist 
to  his  mill."  He  has  constantly  kept  himself  before  the  public— 
nay,  we  may  say  that  he  has  been  kept  before  the  public  constantly, 
by  the  stereotyped  word  in  question ;  and  what  right,  or  what 
desire,  could  he  have  to  discard  or  complain  of  an  epithet  which 
was  one  of  the  prospering  elements  of  his  business  as  "  a  show 
man  ?"  In  a  narrow  sense  of  the  word  he  is  a  "Humbug:"  in 
the  larger  acceptation  he  is  not. 

He  has  in  several  chapters  of  this  book  elaborated  the  distinc 
tion,  and  we  will  only  say  in  this  place,  what,  indeed,  no  one  who 
knows  him  will  doubt,  that,  aside  from  his  qualities  as  a  caterer  to 
popular  entertainment,  he  is  one  of  the  most  remarkable  men  of 
the  age.  As  a  business  man,  of  far-reaching  vision  and  singular 
executive  force,  he  has  for  years  been  the  liie  of  Bridgeport,  near 
which  city  he  has  long  resided,  and  last  winter  he  achieved  high 
rank  in  the  Legislature  of  Connecticut,  as  both  an  effective  speaker 
and  a  patriot,  having  "  no  axe  to  grind,"  and  seeking  only  the 
public  welfare.  We,  indeed,  agree  with  the  editor  of  The  New 
York  Independant,  who,  in  an  article  drawn  out  by  the  burning  of 
the  American  Museum,  says :  "  Mr.  Barnum's  rare  talent  as  a 
speaker  has  always  been  exercised  in  behalf  of  good  morals,  and 
for  patriotic  objects.  No  man  has  done  'better  service  in  the 
temperance  cause  by  public  lectures  during  the  past  ten  years, 
both  in  America  and  Great  Britain,  and  during  the  war  he  was 
most  efficient  in  stimulating  the  spirit  which  resulted  in  the  pre 
servation  of  the  Union,  and  the  destruction  of  Slavery." 

We  cannot  forbear  quoting  two  or  three  additional  paragraphs 
from  that  article,  especially  as  they  are  so  strongly  expressive  of 
the  merits  of  the  case : 

"  Mr.  Barnum's  whole  career  has  been  a  very  transparent  one. 
He  has  never  befooled  the  public  to  its  injury,  and,  though  his 


IV 

name  has  come  to  be  looked  upon  as  n.  synonym  for  humbuggory, 
there  never  was  a  public  man  who  was  less  of  one. 

."  The  hearty  good  wishes  of  many  good  men,  and  the  sympathies 
of  the  community  in  which  he  has  lived,  go  with  him,  and  the 
public  he  has  so  long  amused,  but  never  abused,  will  be  ready  to 
sustain  him  whenever  he  makes  another  appeal  to  them.  Mr. 
Barnum  is  a  very  good  sort  of  representative  Yankee.  When 
crowds  of  English  traders  and  manufacturers  in  Liverpool,  Man 
chester,  and  London,  flocked  to  hear  his  lectures  on  the  art  of 
making  money,  they  expected  to  hear  from  him  some  very  smart 
recipes  for  knavery ;  but  they  were  as  much  astonished  as  they 
were  edified  to  learn  that  the  only  secret  he  had  to  tell  them  was 
to  be  honest,  and  not  to  expect  something  for  nothing." 

We  could  fill  many  pages  with  quotations  of  corresponding 
tenor  from  the  leading  and  most  influential  men  and  journals  in 
the  land,  but  we  will  close  this  publisher's  note  with  the  following 
from  the  N.  Y.  Sun. 

"  One  of  the  happiest  impromptu  oratorical  efforts  that  we  have 
heard  for  some  time  was  that  made  by  Barnum  at  the  benefit  per 
formance  given  for  his  employes  on  Friday  afternoon.  If  a 
stranger  wanted  to  satisfy  himself  how  the  great  showman  had 
managed  so  to  monopolize  the  ear  and  eye  of  the  public  during  his 
long  career  he  could  not  have  had  a  better  opportunity  of  doing 
so  than  by  listening  to  this  address.  Every  word,  though  deli 
vered  with  apparent  carelessness,  struck  a  key-note  in  thj  hearts 
of  his  listeners.  Simple,  forcible,  and  touching,  it  showed  how 
thoroughly  this  extraordinary  man  comprehends  the  character  of 
his  countrymen,  and  how  easily  he  can  play  upon  their  feelings. 

"  Those  who  look  upon  Barnum  as  a  mere  charlatan,  have  really 
no  knowledge  of  him.  It  would  be  easy  to  demonstrate  that  the 
qualities  that  have  placed  him  in  his  present  position  of  notoriety 
and  affluence  would,  in  another  pursuit,  have  raised  him  to  far 
greater  eminence.  In  his  breadth  of  views,  his  profound  know 
ledge  of  mankind,  his  courage  under  reverses,  his  indomitable  per 
severance,  his  ready  eloquence,  and  his  admirable  busine.-s  tact, 
we  recognise  the  eleVnents  that  are  conducive  to  success  in  most 
other  pursuits.  More  than  almost  any  other  living  man,  Barnum 
may  be  said  to  be  a  representative  type  of  the  American  mind."  ; 


INTRODUCTION. 


In  the  "Autobiography  of  P.  T.  Barnum,"  published  in  1855,  I 
partly  promised  to  write  a  book  which  should  expose  some  of  the 
chief  humbugs  of  the  world.  The  invitation  of  my  friends 
Messrs.  Cauldwell  and  Whitney  of  the  "  Weekly  Mercury  "  caused 
me  to  furnish  for  that  paper  a  series  of  articles  in  which  I  very  natu 
rally  took  up  the  subject  in  question.  This  book  is  a  revision  and 
re-arrangement  of  a  portion  of  those  articles.  If  I  should  find  that  I 
have  met  a  popular  demand,  I  shall  in  due  time  put  forth  a  second 
volume.  There  is  not  the  least  danger  of  a  dearth  of  materials, 

I  once  travelled  through  the  Southern  States  in  company  with  a 
magician.  The  first  day  in  each  town,  he  astonished  his  auditors 
with  his  deceptions.  He  then  announced  that  on  the  following 
day  he  would  show  how  each  trick  was  performed,  and  how  every 
man  might  thus  become  his  own  magician.  That  expost  spoiled 
the  legerdemain  market  on  that  particular  route,  for  several  years. 
So,  if  we  could  have  a  full  exposure  of  "  the  tricks  of  trade  "  of  all 
sorts,  of  humbugs  and  deceivers  of  past  times,  religious,  political, 
financial,  scientific,  quackish  and  so  forth,  we  might  perhaps  look 
for  a  somewhat  wiser  generation  to  follow  us.  I  shall  be  well 
satisfied  if  I  can  do  something  towards  so  good  a  purpose. 

P.  T.  BAKNUM. 


CONTENTS. 


I.  PERSONAL  REMINISCENCES. 

CHAPTER   I. —  GENERAL    VIEW     OF    THE     SUBJECT. —  HUMBUG     UNIVER 
SAL. —  IN    RELIGION. —  IN     POLITICS. —  IN     BUSINESS. —  IN     SCIENCE. 

IN    MEDICINE. —  HOW    IT   IS    TO     CEASE. —  THE     GREATEST    HUMBUG 

OF   ALL.  11 

CHAPTER   II. —  DEFINITION  OF   THE   WORD   HUMBUG. —  WARREN  OP 

LONDON. —  GENIN    THE   HATTER. —  GOSLING'S   BLACKING.  18 

CHAPTER  III. —  MONSIEUR  MANGIN,  THE  FRENCH  HUMBUG.  29 

CHAPTER   IV.—  OLD    GRIZZLY   ADAMS.  37 

CHAPTER   V. —  THE    GOLDEN     PIGEONS. —  GRIZZLY    ADAMS. —  GER 
MAN    CHEMIST. — HAPPY   FAMILY. —  FRENCH   NATURALIST.  46 

CHAPTER   VI. —  THE   WHALE,    THE  ANGEL   FISH,    AND   THE   GOLDEN 
PIGEON.  68 

CHAPTER  VII. —  PEASE'S  HOARHOUND  CANDY. —  THE  DORR  RE 
BELLION. THE  PHILADELPHIA  ALDERMAN.  67 

CHAPTER  VIII. —  BRANDRETH'S    PILLS. — MAGNIFICENT    ADVER 
TISING. —  POWER  OF  IMAGINATION.  66 

II.  THE  SPIRITUALISTS. 

CHAPTER   IX. —  THE  DAVENPORT    BROTHERS,  THEIR  RISE  AND  PRO 
GRESS. —  SPIRITUAL     ROPE-TYING. MUSIC      PLAYING. CABINET 

SECRETS. —  "  THEY  CHOOSE  DABKNESS  RATHER  THAN  LIGHT,"  ETC. 
—  THE  SPIRITUAL  HAND. —  HOW  THE  THING  IS  DONE. —  DR.  W.  F. 
VAN  VLECK.  73 

CHAPTER     X. —  THE     SPIRIT-RAPPING     AND     MEDIUM   HUMBUGS. — 

THEIR    ORIGIN. —  HOW   THE   THING   IS   DONE. —  $500   REWARD.  82 


CHAPTER  XI. — THE   "  BALLOT  TEST." — THE   OLD    GENTLEMAN   AND 

ins  "DISEASED"  RELATIVES. — A  "HUNGRY  SPIRIT." — "PALM 
ING  "    A   BALLOT. — REVELATIONS    ON    STRIPS    OF   PAPER.  88 

CHAPTER  XII. —  SPIRITUAL  "LETTERS  ON  THE  ARM." — HOW  TO 
MAKE  THEM  YOURSELF. — THE  TAMBOURINE  AND  RING  FEATS. — DEX- 
TER'S  DANCING  HATS. —  PHOSPHORESCENT  OIL. —  SOME  SPIRITUAL 

SLANG.  96 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XIII. — DEMONSTRATIONS  BY  "  SAMPSON"  UNDER  A  TA 
BLE A  MEDIUM  WHO  IS  HAPPY  WITH  HER  FEET. — EXPOSE  OF 

ANOTHER    OPERATOR    IN    DARK    CIRCLES.  102 

CHAPTER  XIV. — SPIRITUAL  PHOTOGRAPHING. — COLORADO  JEW- 
ETT  AND  THE  SPIRIT  PHOTOGRAPHS  OF  GENERAL  JACKSON,  HEN 
RY  CLAY,  DANIEL  WEBSTER,  STEPHEN  A.  DOUGLAS,  NAPOLEON  B  >NA- 
PARTE,  ETC. — A  LADY  OF  DISTINCTION  SEEKS  AND  FINDS  A  SPIRIT 
UAL  PHOTOGRAPH  OF  HER  DECEASED  INFANT,  AND  HER  DEAD 
BROTHER  WHO  WAS  YET  ALIVE. — HOW  IT  WAS  DONE.  109 

CHAPTER   XV. — BANNER    OF    LIGHT. MESSAGES     FROM    THE    DEAD. 

— SPIKITUAL    CIVILITIES. —  SPIRIT  "HOLLERING." — HANS    VON 

VLEET,  THE   FEMALE  DUTCHMAN. — MRS.  CONANT's  "  CIRCLES." 

PAINE'S  TABLE-TIPPING  HUMBUG  EXPOSED.  119 

CHAPTER  XVI. — SPIRITUALIST  HUMBUGS  WAKING  UP. — FOSTER 
HEARD  FROM. — S.  B.  BRITTAIN  HEARD  FROM. — THE  BOSTON  ARTISTS 
AND  THEIR  SPIRITUAL  PORTRAITS. — THE  WASHINGTON  MEDIUM 
AND  HIS  SPIRITUAL  HANDS. — THE  DAVENPORT  BROTHERS  AND  THE 
SEA-CAPTAIN'S  WHEAT-FLOUR. — THE  DAVENPORT  BROTHERS  ROUGH 
LY  SHOWN  UP  BY  JOHN  BULL  — HOW  A  SHINGLE  "STUMPED" 
THE  SPIRITS.  130 

CHAPTER  XVII. — THE  DAVENPORT  BROTHERS  SHOWN  UP  ONCE 
MORE. — THE  SPIRITUALIST  BOGUS  BABY. — A  LADY  BRINGS  FORTH 
A  MOTIVE  FORCE. — "GUM"  ARABIC. — SPIRITUALIST  HEBREW. 
THE  ALLEN  BOY. — DR.  RANDALL. — PORTLAND  EVENING  COURI 
ER. — THE  FOOLS  NOT  ALL  DEAD  YET.  145 

III.     TRADE  AND  BUSINESS  IMPOSITIONS. 

CHAPTER    XVIII. — ADULTERATIONS    OF  FOOD. — ADULTERATIONS    OF 

LIQUOR. — THE   COLONEL'S    WHISKEY. — THE    HUMBUGOMETER.  152 

CHAPTER  XIX.— ADULTERATIONS  IN  DRINKS.— RIDING  HOME  ON 
YOUR  WINE-BARREL. — LIST  OF  THINGS  TO  MAKE  RUM. — THINGS 
TO  COLOR  IT  WITH. — CANAL-BOAT  HASH. — ENGLISH  ADULTERA 
TION  LAW. — EFFECT  OF  DRUGS  USED. — HOW  TO  USE  THEM. — BUY 
ING  LIQUORS  UNDER  THE  CUSTOM-HOUSE  LOCK. — HOMEOPATHIC 
DOSE.  160 

CHAPTER  XX. — THE  PETER  FUNKS  AND  THEIR  FUNCTIONS. — THE 
RURAL  DIVINE  AND  THE  WATCH. — RISE  AND  PROGRESS  OF  MOCK 
AUCTIONS. — THEIR  DECLINE  AND  FALL.  167 

CHAPTER   XXI. — LOTTERY    SHARKS. — BOULT  AND  HIS  BROTHERS. 

KENNETH,  KIMBALL  &  COMPANY. — A  MORE  CENTRAL  LOCATION 
WANTED  FOR  BUSINESS. — TWO  SEVENTEENTHL1ES. — STRANGE  CO 
INCIDENCE.  175 


CONTENTS.  IX 


CHAPTER     XXII. ANOTHER     LOTTERY     HUMBUG. — TWO-HUNDRBD 

AND  FIFTY  RECIPES. —  VILE  BOOKS. — "ADVANTAGE  CARDS." — 
A  PACKAGE  FOR  YOU;  PLEASE  SEND  THE  MONEY. — PEDDLING  IN 
WESTERN  NEW  YOKK.  182 

CHAPTER   XXIII. — A  CALIFORNIA  COAL  MINE. — A    HARTFORD    COAL 

MINE. — MYSTERIOUS   SUBTERRANEAN    CANAL   ON    THE   ISTHMUS.  189 

IV.     MONEY  MANIAS. 
CHAPTER  XXIV. — THE    PETROLEUM    HUMBUG. — THE    NEW    YORK 

AND    RANGOON    PETROLEUM    COMPANY.  195 

CHAPTER  XXV.— THE  TULIPOMANIA.  204 

CHAPTER   XXVI. — JOHN   BULL'S   GREAT    MONEY    HUMBUG. — THE 

SOUTH    SEA    BUBBLE   IN    1720.  213 

CHAPTER  XXVII. — BUSINESS  HUMBUGS. — JOHN  LAW. — THE  MIS 
SISSIPPI  SCHEME.  — JOHNNY  CRAPAUD  AS  GREEDY  AS  JOHNNY  BULL.  221 

V.    MEDICINE  AND  QUACKS. 
CHAPTER  XXVIII. — DOCTORS  AND  IMAGINATION. — FIRING  A  JOKE 

OUT  OF  A  CANNON.  —  THE  PARIS  EYE  WATER. — MAJENDIE  ON  MED 
ICAL  KNOWLEDGE. — OLD  SANDS  OF  LIFE.  232 

CHAPTER    XXIX. — THE    CONSUMPTIVE    REMEDY.— E.    ANDREWS, 

M.  D. — BORN  WITHOUT  BIRTHRIGHTS. — HASHEESH  CANDY. — RO- 
BACK  THE  GREAT. — A  CONJUROR  OPPOSED  TO  LYING.  237 

CHAPTER    XXX.  —  MONSIGNORE    CRISTOFORO   RISCHIO  ;    OR    IL 

CRESO,  THE  NOSTRUM-VENDER  OF  FLORENCE. — A  MODEL  FOR  OUR 
QUACK  DOCTORS.  242 

VI.     HOAXES. 

CHAPTER  XXXI. — THE  TWENTY-SEVENTH  STREET  GHOST.— SPIR 
ITS  ON  THE  RAMPAGE.  251 

CHAPTER  XXXIL— THE  MOON  HOAX.  259 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. — THE  MISCEGENATION  HOAX. — A  GREAT  LIT 
ERARY"  SELL. — POLITICAL  HUMBUGGING. — TRICKS  OF  THE  WIRE 
PULLERS. —  MACHINERY  EMPLOYED  TO  RENDER  THE  PAMPHLET 
NOTORIOUS. — WHO  WERE  SOLD  AND  HOW  IT  WAS  DONE.  273 

VII.     GHOSTS  AND  WITCHCRAFTS. 
CHAPTER  XXXIV. — HAUNTED    HOUSES. — A   NIGHT  SPENT  ALONE 

WITH  A  GHOST. — KIRBY  THE  ACTOR. — COLT1 8  PISTOLS  VERSUS 
HOBGOBLINS. — THE  MYSTERY  EXPLAINED.  284 


X  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XXXV. — HAUNTED  HOUSES. — GHOSTS. — GHOULS. — PHAN 
TOMS. — VAMPIRES. — CONJURORS. DIVINING  GOBLINS. — FORTUNE- 
TELLING. —  MAGIC. — WITCHES. — SORCERY.  —  OBI. — DREAMS. — SIGNS. 
— SPIRITUAL  MEDIUMS. — FALSE  PROPHETS. — DEMONOLOGY. — DEV 
ILTRY  GENERALLY.  293 

CHAPTER    XXXVI. — MAGICAL    HUMBUGS. —  VIRGIL. — A    PICKLED 

SORCEROR. — CORNELIUS  AGRIPPA,  HIS  STUDENTS  AND  HIS  BLACK 
DOG.  —  DOCTOR  FAUSTUS. — HUMBUGGING  HORSE- JOCKEYS. — ZUTE 
AND  HIS  LARGE  SWALLOW. — DEVIL  TAKE  THE  HINDERMOST.  300 

CHAPTER    XXXVII. — WITCHCRAFT. — NEW    YORK   WITCHES. — THE 

WITCH    MANIA. HOW   FAST   THEY    BURNED     THEM. — THE     MODE    OF 

TRIAL. — WITCHES   TO-DAY    IN    EUROPE.  308 

CHAPTER  XXXVIII. — CHARMS    AND    INCANTATIONS. — HOW   CATO 

CURED   SPRAINS. — THE     SECRET   NAME    OF    GOD. — SECRET    NAMES    OF 

CITIES. — ABRACADABRA  CURES  FOR  CRAMP. — MR.  WRIGHT'S  SIGEL. 

WHISKERFUSTICUS. — WITCHES'  HORSES. — THEIR  CURSES. — HOW  TO 
RAISE  THE  DEVIL.  314 

VIII.     ADVENTURERS. 

CHAPTER  XXXIX.— THE  PRINCESS   CARIBOO.  323 

CHAPTER  XL. —  COUNT    CAGLIOSTRO,    ALIAS    JOSEPH    BALSAMO, 

KNOWN    ALSO   AS    "  CURSED    JOE."  330 

CHAPTER  XLI. — THE  DIAMOND  NECKLACE. 

CHAPTER  XLII. — THE   COUNT  DE  ST.  GERMAIN,  SAGE,  PROPHET, 

AND    MAGICIAN.  354 

CHAPTER  XLIII. — RIZA  BEY,  THE  PERSIAN  ENVOY  TO  LOUIS  xiv.     361 

IX.    RELIGOUS  HUMBUGS. 
CHAPTER  XLIV. — DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. — MATTHIAS  THE    IM- 

POSTER.— NEW  YORK  FOLLIES  THIRTY  YEARS  AGO.  370 

CHAPTER  XLV. — A  RELIGOUS  HUMBUG  ON  JOHN  BULL.— JOANNA 

SOUTHCOTT. — THE    SECOND    SHILOH. 

CHAPTER  XLVI. — THE  FIRST  HUMBUG  IN  THE  WORLD. — ADVAN 
TAGES  OF  STUDYING  THE  IMPOSITIONS  OF  FORMER  AGES.  —  HEA 
THEN  HUMBUGS. — THE  ANCIENT  MYSTERIES. — THE  CABIRI.—  ELEU.SIS. 
—ISIS.  38G 

CHAPTER  XLVII. — HKATIIEN  HUMBUGS  NO.  2. — HEATHEN  STATED 

SERVICES.— ORACLES.— SIBYLS. — AUGURIES. 

CHAPTER  XLVITI. — MODERN  HEATHEN  HUMBUGS. 

CHAPTER  XLIX.— ORDEALS.  408 

CHAPTER  L.— APOLLONIUS  OF  TYANA.  416 


HUMBUGS  OF  THE  WORLD. 


I.    PERSONAL  REMINISCENCES. 

CHAPTER    I. 

GENERAL    VIEW     OF     THE     SUBJECT. HUMBUG     UNIVER 
SAL. IN    RELIGION. —  IN  POLITICS. IN    BUSINESS. 

IN  SCIENCE. IN   MEDICINE. HOW  IS  IT  TO  CEASE. 

THE    GREATEST    HUMBUG    OF    ALL. 

A  little  reflection  will  show  that  humbug  is  an  as 
tonishingly  wide-spread  phenomenon  —  in  fact  almost 
universal.  And  this  is  true,  although  we  exclude 
crimes  and  arrant  swindles  from  the  definition  of  it, 
according  to  the  somewhat  careful  explanation  which  is 
given  in  the  beginning  of  the  chapter  succeeding  this 
one. 

I  apprehend  that  there  is  no  sort  of  object  which 
men  seek  to  attain,  whether  secular,  moral  or  religious* 
in  which  humbug  is  not  very  often  an  instrumentality. 
Religion  is  and  has  ever  been  a  chief  chapter  of  human 
life.  False  religions  are  the  only  ones  known  to  two 
thirds  of  the  human  race,  even  now,  after  nineteen  cen 
turies  of  Christianity ;  and__false  religions  are  perhaps 
the  most  monstrous,  complicated  and  thorough-going 
specimens  of  humbug  that  can  be  found.  And  even 
within  the  pale  of  Christianity,  how  unbroken  has 
been  the  succession  of  impostors,  hypocrites  and  pre- 


12  \  lltTMBUGS:  OF    THE    WORLD. 


t£iid£i\s,  .male  and   female,  of  every  possible   variety  of 
age,  sex,  doctrine  'and  discipline  ! 

Politics  and  government  are  certainly  among  the 
most  important  of  practical  human  interests.  Now  it 
was  a  diplomatist  —  that  is,  a  practical  manager  of  one 
kind  of  government  matters  —  who  invented  that  won 
derful  phrase  —  a  whole  world  full  of  humbug  in  half-a- 
dozen  words  —  that  "  Language  was  given  to  us  to  con 
ceal  our  thoughts."  It  was  another  diplomatist,  who 
said  "  An  ambassador  is  a  gentleman  sent  to  lie  abroad 
for  the  good  of  his  country."  But  need  I  explain  to 
my  own  beloved  countrymen  that  there  is  humbug  in 
politics  ?  Does  anybody  go  into  a  political  campaign 
without  it  ?  are  no  exaggerations  of  our  candidate's  mer 
its  to  be  allowed  ?  no  depreciations  of  the  other  candi 
date  ?  Shall  we  no  longer  prove  that  the  success  of  the 
party  opposed  to  us  will  overwhelm  the  land  in  ruin  ? 
Let  me  see.  Leaving  out  the  two  elections  of  General 
Washington,  eighteen  times  that  very  fact  has  been 
proved  by  the  party  that  was  beaten,  and  immediately 
we  have  not  been  ruined,  notwithstanding  that  the 
dreadful  fatal  fellows  on  the  other  side  got  their  hands 
on  the  offices  and  their  fingers  into  the  treasury. 

Business  is  the  ordinary  means  of  living  for  nearly 
all  of  us.  And  in  what  business  is  there  not  humbug  ? 
"  There's  cheating  in  all  trades  but  ours,"  is  the  prompt 
'reply  from  the  boot-maker  with  his  brown  paper  soles, 
the  grocer  with  his  floury  sugar  and  chicoried  coffee, 
the  butcher  with  his  mysterious  sausages  and  queer 
veal,  the  dry  goods  man  with  his  "  damaged  goods  wet 
at  the  great  fire  "  and  his  "  selling  at  a  ruinous  loss," 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  13 

the  stock-broker  with  his  brazen  assurance  that  your 
company  is  bankrupt  and  your  stock  not  worth  a  cent 
(if  he  wants  to  buy  it,)  the  horse  jockey  with  his  black 
arts  and  spavined  brutes,  the  milkman  with  his  tin 
aquaria,  the  land  agent  with  his  nice  new  maps  and 
beautiful  descriptions  of  distant  scenery,  the  newspaper 
man  with  his  "  immense  circulation,"  the  publisher 
with  his  "  Great  American  Novel,"  the  city  auctioneer 
with  his  u  Pictures  by  the  Old  Masters "  —  all  and 
every  one  protest  each  his  own  innocence,  and  warn 
you  against  the  deceits  of  the  rest.  My  inexperienced 
friend,  take  it  for  granted  that  they  all  tell  the 
truth  —  about  each  other  !  and  then  transact  your  busi 
ness  to  the  best  of  your  ability  on  your  own  judgment. 
Never  fear  but  that  you  will  get  experience  enough, 
and  that  you  will  pay  well  for  it  too  ;  and  towards  the 
time  when  you  shall  no  longer  need  earthly  goods,  you 
will  begin  to  know  how  to  buy. 

Literature  is  one  of  the  most  interesting  and  significant 
expressions  of  humanity.  Yet  books  are  thickly  pep 
pered  with  humbug.  "  Travellers'  stories  "  have  been 
the  scoff  of  ages,  from  the  u  True  Story"  of  witty  old 
Lucian  the  Syrian  down  to  the  gorillarities  —  if  I  may 
coin  a  word  —  of  the  Frenchman  Du  Chaillu.  Ire 
land's  counterfeited  Shakspeare  plays,  Chatterton's 
forged  manuscripts,  George  Psalmanazar's  forged  For- 
mosan  language,  Jo  Smith's  Mormon  Bible,  (it  should 
be  noted  that  this  and  the  Koran  sounded  two  strings 
of  humbug  together  —  the  literary  and  the  religious,) 
the  more  recent  counterfeits  of  the  notorious  Greek 
Simonides  —  such  literary  humbugs  as  these  are  equal 


14  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

in  presumption  and  in  ingenuity  too,  to  any  of  a  mere 
ly  business  kind,  though  usually  destitute  of  that  sort 
of  impiety  which  makes  the  great  religious  humbugs 
horrible  as  well  as  impudent. 

Science  is  another  important  field  of  human  effort. 
Science  is  the  pursuit  of  pure  truth,  and  the  system 
atizing  of  it.  In  such  an  employment  as  that,  one 
might  reasonably  hope  to  find  all  things  done  in  hon 
esty  and  sincerity.  Not  at  all,  my  ardent  and  inquir 
ing  friends,  there  is  a  scientific  humbug  just  as  large  as 
any  other.  We  have  all  heard  of  the  Moon  Hoax. 
Do  none  of  you  remember  the  Hydrarchos  Sillimannii, 
that  awful  Alabama  snake  ?  It  was  only  a  little  while 
ago  that  a  grave  account  appeared  in  a  newspaper  of  a 
whole  new  business  of  compressing  ice.  Perpetual 
motion  has  been  the  dream  of  scientific  visionaries,  and  a 
pretended  but  cheating  realization  of  it  has  been  exhib 
ited  by  scamp  after  scamp.  I  understand  that  one  is 
at  this  moment  being  invented  over  in  Jersey  City.  I 
have  purchased  more  than  one  "  perpetual  motion " 
myself.  Many  persons  will  remember  Mr.  Paine  — 
"The  Great  Shot-at"  as  he  was  called,  from  his  story 
that  people  were  constantly  trying  to  kill  him  —  and 
his  water-gas.  There  have  been  other  water  gases  too, 
which  were  each  going  to  show  u's  how  to  sot  the  North 
River  on  fire,  but  something  or  other  has  always  brok 
en  down  just  at  the  wrong  moment.  Nobody  seems  to 
reflect,  when  these  water  gases  come  up,  that  if  water 
could  really  be  made  to  burn,  the  right  conditions 
would  surely  have  happened  at  some  one  of  the  thou 
sands  of  city  fires,  and  that  the  very  stuff  with  which 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  15 

our  stout  firemen  were  extinguishing  the  flames,  would 
have  itself  caught  and  exterminated  the  whole  brave 
wet  crowd  ! 

Medicine  is  the  means  by  which  we  poor  feeble  crea 
tures  try  to  keep  from  dying  or  aching.  In  a  world  so 
full  of  pain  it  would  seem  as  if  people  could  not  be  so 
foolish,  or  practitioners  so  knavish,  as  to  sport  with  men's 
and  women's  and  children's  lives  by  their  professional 
humbugs.  Yet  there  are  many  grave  M.  D.'s  who,  if 
there  is  nobody  to  hear,  and  if  they  speak  their  minds, 
will  tell  you  plainly  that  the  whole  practice  of  medicine 
is  in  one  sense  a  humbug.  !  One  of  its  features  is  cer 
tainly  a  humbug,  though  so  innocent  and  even  useful 
that  it  seems  difficult  to  think  of  any  objection  to  it. 
This  is  the  practice  of  giving  a  placebo ;  that  is,  a 
bread  pill  or  a  dose  of  colored  water,  to  keep  the  pa 
tient's  mind  easy  while  imagination  helps  nature  to  per 
fect  a  cure.  As  for  the  quacks,  patent  medicines  and 
universal  remedies,  I  need  only  mention  their  names. 
Prince  Hohenlohe,  Valentine  Greatrakes,  John  St.  John 
Long,  Doctor  Graham  and  his  wronderful  bed,  Mesmer 
and  his  tub,  Perkins'  metallic  tractors — these  are 
half  a  dozen.  Modern  history  knows  of  hundreds  of 
such. 

It  would  almost  seem  as  if  human  delusions  became 
more  unreasoning  and  abject  in  proportion  as  their  sub 
ject  is  of  greater  importance.  A  machine,  a  story,  an 
animal  skeleton,  are  not  so  very  important.  But  the 
humbugs  which  have  prevailed  about  that  wondrous 
machine,  the  human  body,  its  ailments  and  its  cures, 
about  the  unspeakable  mystery  of  human  life,  and  still 


16  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

more  about  the  far  greater  and  more  awful  mysteries 
of  the  life  beyond  the  grave,  and  the  endless  happi 
ness  and  misery  believed  to  exist  there,  the  humbugs 
about  these  have  been  infinitely  more  absurd,  more 
shocking,  more  unreasonable,  more  inhuman,  more  de 
structive. 

I  can  only  allude  to  whole  sciences  (falsely  so  called) 
which  are  unrningled  humbugs  from  beginning  to  end. 
Such  was  Alchemy,  such  was  Magic,  such  was  and  still 
is  Astrology,  and  above  all,  Fortune-telling. 

But  there  is  a  more  thorough  humbug  than  any  of 
these  enterprises  or  systems.  The  greatest  humbug  of 
all  is  the  man  who  believes  —  or  pretends  to  believe  — 
that  everything  and  everybody  are  humbugs.  We 
sometimes  meet  a  person  who  professes  that  there  is  no 
virtue ;  that  every  man  has  his  price,  and  every  wo 
man  hers  ;  that  any  statement  from  anybody  is  just  as 
likely  to  be  false  as  true,  and  that  the  only  way  to  de 
cide  which,  is  to  consider  whether  truth  or  a  lie  was 
likely  to  have  paid  best  in  that  particular  case.  Relig 
ion  he  thinks  one  of  the  smartest  business  dodges  ex 
tant,  a  firstrate  investment,  and  by  all  odds  the  most 
respectable  disguise  that  a  lying  or  swindling  business 
man  can  wear.  Honor  he  thinks  is  a  sham.  Honesty 
he  considers  a  plausible  word  to  flourish  in  the  eyes  of 
the  greener  portion  of  our  race,  as  you  would  hold  out 
a  cabbage  leaf  to  coax  a  donkey.  What  people  want,  he 
thinks,  or  says  he  thinks,  is  something  good  to  eat, 
something  good  to  drink,  fine  clothes,  luxury,  laziness, 
wealth.  If  you  can  imagine  a  hog's  mind  in  a  man's 
body  —  sensual,  greedy,  selfish, 'cruel,  cunning,  sly, 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  17 

coarse,  yet  stupid,  short-sighted,  unreasoning,  unable 
to  comprehend  anything  except  what,  concerns  the 
flesh,  you  have  your  man.  He  thinks  himself  philo 
sophic  and  practical,  a  man  of  the  world;  he  thinks  to 
show  knowledge  and  wisdom,  penetration,  cJ£eP  ac 
quaintance  with  men  and  things.  Poor  fellow  I  he  has 
exposed  his  own  nakedness.  Instead  of  showing  that 
others  are  rotten  inside,  he  has  proved  that  lie  is.  He 
claims  that  it  is  not  safe  to  believe  others  — -  it  is  per 
fectly  safe  to  disbelieve  him.  He  claims  that  every 
man  will  get  the  better  of  you  if  possible  —  let  him 
alone  !  Selfishness,  he  says,  is  the  universal  rule  —  leave 
nothing  to  depend  on  his  generosity  or  honor ;  trust 
him  just  as  far  as  you  can  sling  an  elephant  by  the  tail. 
A  bad  world,  he  sneers,  full  of  deceit  and  nastiness  — 
it  is  his  own  foul  breath  that  he  smells  ;  only  a  thor 
oughly  corrupt  heart  could  suggest  such  vile  thoughts. 
He  sees  only  what  suits  him,  as  a  turkey-buzzard  spies 
only  carrion,  though  amid  the  loveliest  landscape.  I 
pronounce  him  who  thus  virtually  slanders  his  father 
and  dishonors  his  mother  and  defiles  the  sanctities  of 
home  and  the  glory  of  patriotism  and  the  merchant's 
honor  and  the  martyr's  grave  and  the  saint's  crown  — 
who  does  not  even  know  that  every  sham  shows  that 
there  is  a  reality,  and  that  hypocrisy  is  the  homage 
that  vice  pays  to  virtue  —  I  pronounce  him  —  no,  I  do 
not  pronounce  him  a  humbug,  the  word  does  not  apply 
to  him.  He  is  a  fool. 

Looked  at  on  one  side,  the  history  of  humbug  is 
truly  humiliating  to  intellectual  pride,  yet  the  long  silly 
story  is  less  absurd  during  the  later  ages  of  history, 


18  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

and  grows  less  and  less  so  in  proportion  to  the  spread 
of  real  Christianity.  This  religion  promotes  good 
sense,  actual  knowledge,  contentment  with  what  we 
cannot  help,  and  the  exclusive  use  of  intelligent  means 
for  increasing  human  happiness  and  decreasing  human 


sorrow.  /And  whenever  the  time  shall  come  when  men 
are  kind  and  just  and  honest  ;  when  they  only  want 
what  is  fair  and  right,  judge  only  on  real  and  true  ev 
idence,  and  take  nothing  for  granted,  then  there  will  be 
no  place  left  for  any  humbugs,  either  harmless  or  hurt 
ful/ 


CHAPTER    II. 

DEFINITION  OF  THE  WORD  HUMBUG.  -  WARREN  OF  LON 
DON.  -  GENIN,  THE    HATTER.—  GOSLING'S    BLACKING. 

Upon  a  careful  consideration  of  my  undertaking  to 
give  an  account  of  the  "  Humbugs  of  the  World,''  I 
find  myself  somewhat  puzzled  in  regard  to  the  true 
definition  of  that  word.  To  be  sure,  Webster  says 
that  humbug,  as  a  noun,  is  an  "  imposition  under  fair 
pretences  ;  "  and  as  a  verb,  it  is  "  to  deceive  ;  to  im 
pose  on."  With  all  due  deference  to  Doctor  Webster, 
I  submit  that,  according  to  present  usage,  this  is  not  the 
only,  nor  even  the  generally  accepted  definition  of  that 
term. 

We  wrill  suppose,  for  instance,  that  a  man  with  "  fair 
pretences  "  applies  to  a  wholesale  merchant  for  credit 
jn  a  large  bill  of  goods.  His  "  fair  pretences  "  compre- 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  19 

hend  an  assertion  that  he  is  a  moral  and  religious  man, 
a  member  of  the  church,  a  man  of  wealth,  etc.,  etc. 
It  turns  out  that  he  is  not  worth  a  dollar,  but  is  a  base, 
lying  wretch,  an  impostor  and  a  cheat.  He  is  arrested 
and  imprisoned  "  for  obtaining  property  under  false 
pretences  "  or,  as  Webster  says,  "  fair  pretences."  He 
is  punished  for  his  villainy.  The  public  do  not  call 
him  a  "  humbug  ;  "  they  very  properly  term  him  a 
swindler. 

A  man,  bearing  the  appearance  of  a  gentleman  in 
dress  and  manners,  purchases  property  from  you,  and 
with  "  fair  pretences  "  obtains  your  confidence.  You 
find,  when  he  has  left,  that  he  paid  you  with  counter 
feit  bank-notes,  or  a  forged  draft.  This  man  is  justly 
called  a  "  forger,"  or  "  counterfeiter  ;  "  and  if  arrested, 
he  is  punished  as  such  ;  but  nobody  thinks  of  calling 
him  a  "  humbug." 

A  respectable-looking  man  sits  by  your  side  in  an 
omnibus  or  rail-car.  He  converses  fluently,  and  is  evi 
dently  a  man  of  intelligence  and  reading.  He  attracts 
your  attention  by  his  "  fair  pretences."  Arriving  at 
your  journey's  end,  you  miss  your  watch  and  your 
pocket-book.  Your  fellow  passenger  proves  to  be  the 
thief.  Everybody  calls  him  a  "  pickpocket,"  and  not 
withstanding  his  "  fair  pretences,"  not  a  person  in  the 
community  calls  him  a  "  humbug." 

Two  actors  appear  as  stars  at  two  rival  theatres. 
They  are  equally  talented,  equally  pleasing.  One  ad 
vertises  himself  simply  as  a  tragedian,  under  his  proper 
name  —  the  other  boasts  that  he  is  a  prince,  and  wears 
decorations  presented  by  all  the  potentates  of  the  world, 


20  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

including  the  "  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands."  He  is 
correctly  set  down  as  a  "  humbug,"  while  tins  term  is 
never  applied  to  the  other  actor.  But  if  the  man  who 
boasts  of  having  received  a  foreign  title  is  a  miserable 
actor,  and  he  gets  up  gift-enterprises  and  bogus  enter 
tainments,  or  pretends  to  devote  the  proceeds  of  his 
tragic  efforts  to  some  charitable  object,  without,  in  fact, 
doing  so  —  he  is  then  a  humbug  in  Dr.  Webster's  sense 
of  that  word,  for  he  is  an  "  impostor  under  fair  pre 
tences." 

Two  physicians  reside  in  one  of  our  fashionable  av 
enues.  They  were  both  educated  in  the  best  medical 
colleges  ;  each  has  passed  an  examination,  received  his 
diploma,  and  been  dubbed  an  M.  D.  They  are-  equally 
skilled  in  the  healing  art.  One  rides  quietly  about  the 
city  in  his  gig  or  brougham,  visiting  his  patients  with 
out  noise  or  clamor  —  the  other  sallies  out  in  his  coach 
and  four,  preceded  by  a  band  of  music,  and  his  car 
riage  and  horses  are  covered  with  handbills  and  pla 
cards,  announcing  his  "  wonderful  cures."  This  man 
is  properly  called  a  quack  and  a  humbug.  Why  ? 
Not  because  he  cheats  or  imposes  upon  the  public,  for 
he  does  not,  but  because,  as  generally  understood, 
"  humbug "  consists  in  putting  on  glittering  appear 
ances —  outside  show  —  novel  expedients,  by  which 
to  suddenly  arrest  public  attention,  and  attract  the 
public  eye  and  ear. 

Clergymen,  lawyers,  or  physicians,  who  should  re 
sort  to  such  methods  of  attracting  the  public,  would 
not,  for  obvious  reasons,  be  apt  to  succeed.  Bankers, 
insurance-agents,  and  others,  who  aspire  to  become  the 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  21 

custodians  of  the  money  of  their  fellow-men,  would  re 
quire  a  different  species  of  advertising  from  this ;  but 
there  are  various  trades  and  occupations  which  need 
only  notoriety  to  insure  success,  always  provided  that 
when  customers  are  once  attracted,  they  never  fail  to 
get  their  money's  worth.  An  honest  man  who  thus 
arrests  public  attention  will  be  called  a  "  humbug,"  but 
he  is  not  a  swindler  or  an  impostor.  If,  however,  after 
attracting  crowds  of  customers  by  his  unique  displays, 
a  man  foolishly  fails  to  give  them  a  full  equivalent  for 
their  money,  they  never  patronize  him  a  second  time, 
but  they  very  properly  denounce  him  as  a  swindler,  a 
cheat,  an  impostor ;  they  do  not,  however,  call 
him  a  "  humbug."  He  fails,  not  because  he  advertises 
his  wares  in  an  outre  manner,  but  because,  after  at 
tracting  crowds  of  patrons,  he  stupidly  and  wickedly 
cheats  them. 

When  the  great  blacking-maker  of  London  dispatch 
ed  his  agent  to  Egypt  to  write  on  the  pyramids  of 
Ghiza,  in  huge  letters,  "  Buy  Warren's  Blacking, 
30  Strand,  London,"  he  was  not  "  cheating"  travelers 
upon  the  Nile.  His  blacking  was  really  a  superior  arti 
cle,  and  well  worth  the  price  charged  for  it,  but  he  was 
"  humbugging  "  the  public  by  this  queer  way  of  arrest 
ing  attention.  It  turned  out  just  as  he  anticipated, 
that  English  travelers  in  that  part  of  Egypt  were  indig 
nant  at  this  desecration,  and  they  wrote  back  to  the 
London  Times  (every  Englishman  writes  or  threatens 
to  "  write  to  the  Times,"  if  anything  goes  wrong,)  de 
nouncing  the  "  Goth "  who  had  thus  disfigured  these 
ancient  pyramids  by  writing  on  them  in  monstrous 


22  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

letters  :  "  Buy  Warren's  Blacking,  30  Strand,  London." 
The  Times  published  these  letters,  and  backed  them  up 
by  several  of  those  awful,  grand  and  dictatorial  editori 
als  peculiar  to  the  great  "  Thunderer,"  in  which  the 
blacking-maker,  "  Warren,  30  Strand,"  was  stigma 
tized  as  a  man  who  had  no  respect  for  the  ancient  pa 
triarchs,  and  it  was  hinted  that  he  would  probably  not 
hesitate  to  sell  his  blacking  on  the  sarcophagus  of  Pha 
raoh,  "  or  any  other "  —  mummy,  if  he  could  only 
make  money  by  it.  In  fact,  to  cap  the  climax,  Warren 
was  denounced  as  a  "  humbug."  These  .indignant  ar 
ticles  were  copied  into  all  the  Provincial  journals,  and 
very  soon,  in  this  manner,  the  columns  of  every  news 
paper  in  Great  Britain  were  teeming  with  this  advice  : 
"  Try  Warren's  Blacking,  30  Strand,  London."  The 
curiosity  of  the  public  was  thus  aroused,  and  they  did 
"  try  "  it,  and  finding  it  a  superior  article,  they  contin 
ued  to  purchase  it  and  recommend  it  to  their  friends, 
and  Warren  made  a  fortune  by  it.  He  always  attribu 
ted  his  success  to  his  having  "  humbugged  "  the  public 
by  this  unique  method  of  advertising  his  blacking  in 
Egypt  !  But  Warren  did  not  cheat  his  customers,  nor 
practice  "  an  imposition  under  fair  pretences."  He_vva£ 
a  humbug,  but  he  was  an  honest  upright  man,  and  no 
one  called  him  an  impostor  or  a  cheat. 

When  the  tickets  for  Jenny  Lind's  first  concert  in 
America  were  sold  at  auction,  several  business-men,  as 
piring  to  notoriety,  "  bid  high  "  for  the  first  ticket.  It 
was  finally  knocked  down  to  "  Genin,  the  hatter,"  for 
$225.  The  journals  in  Portland  (Maine)  and  Houston 
(Texas,)  and  all  other  journals  throughout  the  United 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  23 

States,  between  these  two  cities,  which  were  connected 
with  the  telegraph,  announced  the  fact  in  their  columns 
the  next  morning.  Probably  two  millions  of  readers 
read  the  announcement,  and  asked,  "  Who  is  Genin, 
the  hatter?  "  Genin  became  famous  in  a  day.  Every 
man  involuntarily  examined  his  hat,  to  see  if  it  was 
made  by  Genin  ;  and  an  Iowa  editor  declared  that  one 
of  his  neighbors  discovered  the  name  of  Genin  in  his 
old  hat  and  immediately  announced  the  fact  to  his 
neighbors  in  front  of  the  Post  Office.  It  was  suggest 
ed  that  the  old  hat  should  be  sold  at  auction.  It  was 
done  then  and  there,  and  the  Genin  hat  sold  for  four 
teen  dollars  !  Gentlemen  from  city  and  country  rush 
ed  to  Genin's  store  to  buy  their  hats,  many  of  them 
willing  to  pay  even  an  extra  dollar,  if  necessary,  pro 
vided  they  could  get  a  glimpse  of  Genin  himself.  This 
singular  freak  put  thousands  of  dollars  into  the  pocket 
of  "  Genin,  the  hatter,"  and  yet  I  never  heard  it 
charged  that  he  made  poor  hats,  or  that  he  would  be 
guilty  of  an  "  imposition  under  fair  pretences."  On 
the  contrary,  he  is  a  gentleman  of  probity,  and  of  the 
first  respectability. 

When  the  laying  of  the  Atlantic  Telegraph  was  nearly 
completed,  I  was  in  Liverpool.  I  offered  the  company 
one  thousand  pounds  sterling  ($5,000)  for  the  privi 
lege  of  sending  the  first  twenty  words  over  the  cable  to 
my  Museum  in  New  York  —  not  that  there  was  any  in 
trinsic  merit  in  the  words,  but  that  I  fancied  there  was 
more  than  $5,000  worth  of  notoriety  in  the  operation. 
But  Queen  Victoria  and  "  Old  Buck  "  were  ahead  of 
me.  Their  messages  had  the  preference,  and  I  was 
compelled  to  "  take  a  back  seat.'* 


24  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

By  thus  illustrating  what  I  believe  the  public  will 
concede  to  be  the  sense  in  which  the  word  "  humbug  " 

O 

is  generally  used  and  understood  at  the  present  time,  in 
this  country  as  well  as  in  England,  I  do  not  propose 
that  my  letters  on  this  subject  shall  be  narrowed  down 
to  that  definition  of  the  word.  On  the  contrary,  -I  ex 
pect  to  treat  of  various  fallacies,  delusions,  and  decep 
tions  in  ancient  and  modern  times,  which,  according  to 
Webster's  definition,  may  be  called  "humbugs,"  inas 
much  as  they  were  "  impositions  under  fair  pretences." 

In  writing  of  modern  humbugs,  however,  I  shall 
sometimes  have  occasion  to  give  the  names  of  honest 
and  respectable  parties  now  living,  and  I  felt  it  but  just 
that  the  public  should  fully  comprehend  my  doctrine, 
that  a  man  may,  by  common  usage,  be  termed  a  "  hum 
bug,"  without  by  any  means  impeaching  his  integrity. 

Speaking  of  "  blacking-makers,"  reminds  me  that  one 
of  the  first  sensationists  in  advertising  whom  I  remem 
ber  to  have  seen,  was  Mr.  Leonard  Gosling,  known  as 
"  Monsieur  Gosling,  the  great  French  blacking-maker." 
He  appeared  in  New  York  in  1830.  He  flashed  like  a 
meteor  across  the  horizon ;  and  before  he  had  been  in 
the  city  three  months,  nearly  everybody  had  heard  of 
"  Gosling's  Blacking."  I  well  remember  his  magnifi 
cent  "  four  in  hand."  A  splendid  team  of  blood  bays, 
with  long  black  tails,  was  managed  with  such  dexterity 
by  Gosling  himself,  who  was  a  great  "  whip,"  that  they 
almost  seemed  to  fly.  The  carriage  was  emblazoned 
with  the  words  "  Gosling's  Blacking,"  in  large  gold 
letters,  and  the  whole  turnout  was  so  elaborately  orna 
mented  and  bedizened  that  everybody  stopped  and 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  25 

gazed  with  wondering  admiration.  A  bugle-player  or 
a  band  of  music  always  accompanied  the  great  Gosling, 
and,  of  course,  helped  to  attractt  he  public  attention  to 
his  establishment.  At  the  turning  of  every  street- 
corner  your  eyes  rested  upon  "  Gosling's  Blacking." 
From  every  show-window  gilded  placards  discoursed 
eloquently  of  the  merits  of  u  Gosling's  Blacking." 
The  newspapers  teemed  with  poems  written  in  its 
praise,  and  showers  of  pictorial  handbills,  illustrated 
almanacs,  and  tinseled  souvenirs,  all  lauding  the  vir 
tues  of  "  Gosling's  Blacking,"  smothered  you  at  every 
point. 

The  celebrated  originator  of  delineations,  "  Jim 
Crow  Rice,"  made  his  first  appearance  at  Hamblin's 
Bowery  Theatre  at  about  this  time.  The  crowds  which 
thronged  there  were  so  great  that  hundreds  from  the 
audience  were  frequently  admitted  upon  the  stage.  In 
one  of  his  scenes,  Rice  introduced  a  negro  boot-blacking 
establishment.  Gosling  was  too  "  wide  awake  "  to  let 
such  an  opportunity  pass  unimproved,  and  Rice  was 
paid  for  singing  an  original  black  Gosling  ditty,  while  a 
score  of  placards  bearing  the  inscription,  "  Use  Gos 
ling's  Blacking,"  were  suspended  at  different  points  in 
this  negro  boot  polishing  hall.  Everybody  tried  "  Gos 
ling's  Blacking  ;  "  and  as  it  was  a  really  good  article, 
his  sales  in  city  and  country  soon  became  immense ; 
Gosling  made  a  fortune  in  seven  years,  and  retired  but, 
as  with  thousands  before  him,  it  was  "  easy  come  easy 
go."  He  engaged  in  a  lead-mining  speculation,  and  it 
was  generally  understood  that  his  fortune  was,  in  a 
great  measure,  lost  as  rapidly  as  it  was  made. 
2 


26  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Here  let  me  digress,  in  order  to  observe  that  one  of 
the  most  difficult  things  in  life  is  for  men  to  bear  dis 
creetly  sudden  prosperity.  Unless  considerable  time 
and  labor  are  devoted  to  earning  money,  it  is  not  appre 
ciated  by  its  possessor ;  and,  having  no  practical  knowl 
edge  of  the  value  of  money,  he  generally  gets  rid  of  it 
with  the  same  ease  that  marked  its  accumulation.  Mr. 
Astor  gave  the  experience  of  thousands  when  he  said 
that  he  found  more  difficulty  in  earning  and  saving  his 
first  thousand  dollars  than  in  accumulating  all  the  sub 
sequent  millions  which  finally  made  up  his  fortune. 
The  very  economy,  perseverance,  and  discipline  which 
he  was  obliged  to  practice,  as  he  gained  his  money  dol 
lar  by  dollar,  gave  him  a  just  appreciation  of  its  value, 
and  thus  led  him  into  those  habits  of  industry,  pru 
dence,  temperance,  and  untiring  diligence  so  conducive 
and  necessary  to  his  future  success. 

Mr.  Gosling,  however,  was  not  a  man  to  be  put  down 
by  a  single  financial  reverse.  He  opened  a  store  in 
Canajoharie,  N.  Y.,  which  was  burned,  and  on  which 
there  was  no  insurance.  He  came  a^ain  to  New  York 

O 

in  1839,  and  established  a  restaurant,  where,  by  devot 
ing  the  services  of  himself  and  several  members  of  his 
family  assiduously  to  the  business,  he  soon  reveled  in 
his  former  prosperity,  and  snapped  his  fingers  in  glee 
at  what  unreflecting  persons  term  "  the  freaks  of  Dame 
Fortune."  He  is  still  living  in  New  York,  hale  and 
heartj  at  the  age  of  seventy.  Although  called  a 
"  French  "  blacking-maker,  Mr.  Gosling  is  in  reality  a 
Dutchman,  having  been  born  in  the  city  of  Amster 
dam,  Holland.  He  is  the  father  of  twenty-four  child- 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  27 

ren,  twelve  of  whom  are  still  living,  to  cheer  him  in 
his  declining  years,  and  to  repay  him  in  grateful  atten 
tions  for  the  valuable  lessons  of  prudence,  integrity, 
and  industry  through  the  adoption  of  which  they  are 
honored  as  respectable  and  worthy  members  of  society. 

I  cannot  however  permit  this  chapter  to  close  with 
out  recording  a  protest  in  principle  against  that  method 
of  advertising  of  which  Warren's  on  the  Pyramid  is  an 
instance.  Not  that  it  is  a  crime  or  even  an  immorality 
in  the  usual  sense  of  the  words  ;  but  it  is  a  violent 
offence  against  good  taste,  and  a  selfish  and  inexcusable 
destruction  .of  other  people's  enjoyments.  No  man 
ought  to  advertise  in  the  midst  of  landscapes  or  scenery, 
in  such  a  way  as  to  destroy  or  injure  their  beauty  by 
introducing  totally  incongruous  and  relatively  vulgar 
associations.  Too  many  transactions  of  the  sort  have 
been  perpetrated  in  our  own  country.  The  principle 
on  which  the  thing  is  done  is,  to  seek  out  the  most  at 
tractive  spot  possible  —  the  wildest,  the  most  lovely, 
and  there,  in  the  most  staring  and  brazen  manner  to 
paint  up  advertisements  of  quack  medicines,  rum,  or  as 
the  case  may  be,  in  letters  of  monstrous  size,  in  the 
most  obtrusive  colors,  in  such  a  prominent  place,  and  in 
such  a  lasting  way  as  to  destroy  the  beauty  of  the 
scene  both  thoroughly  and  permanently. 

Any  man  with  a  beautiful  wife  or  daughter  would 
'probably  feel  disagreeably, if  he  should  find  branded  in 
delibly  across  her  smooth  white  forehead,  or  on  her 
snowy  shoulder  in  blue  and  red  letters  such  a  phrase  as 
this  :  "  Try  the  Jigamaree  Bitters  !  "  Very  much  like 
this  is  the  sort  of  advertising  I  am  speaking  of.  It  is 


28  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD, 

not  likely  that  I  shall  be  charged  with  squeamishness 
on  this  question.  I  can  readily  enough  see  the  selfish 
ness  and  vulgarity  of  this  particular  sort  of  advertising, 
however. 

It  is  outrageously  selfish  to  destroy  the  pleasure  of 
thousands,  for  the  sake  of  a  chance  of  additional  gain. 
And  it  is  an  atrocious  piece  of  vulgarity' to  flaunt  the 
names  of  quack  nostrums,  and  of  the  coarse  stimulants 
of  sots,  among  the  beautiful  scenes  of  nature.  The 
pleasure  of  such  places  depends  upon  their  freedom 
from  the  associations  of  every  day  concerns  and  trou 
bles  and  weaknesses.  A  lovely  nook  of  forest  scenery, 
or  a  grand  rock,  like  a  beautiful  woman,  depends  for 
much  of  its  attractiveness  upon  the  attendant  sense  of 
freedom  from  whatever  is  low  ;  upon  a  sense  of  purity 
and  of  romance.  And  it  is  about  as  nauseous  to  find 
"  Bitters  "  or  "  Worm  Syrup  "  daubed  upon  the  land 
scape,  as  it  would  be  upon  the  lady's  brow. 

Since  writing  this  I  observe  that  two  legislatures  — 
those  of  New  Hampshire  and  New  York  —  have  passed 
laws  to  prevent  this  dirty  misdemeanor.  It  is  greatly 
to  their  credit,  and  it  is  in  good  season.  For  it  is  mat 
ter  of  wonder  that  some  more  colossal  vulgarian  has 
not  stuck  up  a  sign  a  mile  long  on  the  Palisades.  But 
it  is  matter  of  thankfulness  too.  At  the  White  Moun 
tains,  many  grand  and  beautiful  views  have  been 
spoiled  by  these  nostrum  and  bedbug  souled  fellows. 

It  is  worth  noticing  that  the  chief  haunts  of  the  city 
of  New  York,  the  Central  Park,  has  thus  far  remained 
unviolated  by  the  dirty  hands  of  these  vulgar  adver 
tisers.  Without  knowing  anything  about  it,  I  have 


.       PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  29 

no  doubt  whatever  that  the  commissioners  have  been 
approached  often  by  parties  desiring  the  privilege  of 
advertising  within  its  limits.  Among  the  advertising 
fraternity  it  would  be  thought  a  gigantic  opportunity  to 
be  able  to  flaunt  the  name  of  some  bug-poison,  fly- 
killer,  bowel-rectifier,  or  disguised  rum,  along  the  walls 
of  the  Reservoir  ;  upon  the  delicate  stone-work  of  the 
Terrace,  or  the  graceful  lines  of  the  Bow  Bridge ;  to 
nail  up  a  tin  sign  on  every  other  tree,  to  stick  one  up 
right  in  front  of  every  seat ;  to  keep  a  gang  of  young 
wretches  thrusting  pamphlet  or  handbill  into  every  per 
son's  palm  that  enters  the  gate,  to  paint  a  vulgar  sign 
across  every  gray  rock  ;  to  cut  quack  words  in  ditch- 
work  in  the  smooth  green  turf  of  the  mall  or  ball- 
ground.  I  have  no  doubt  that  it  is  the  peremptory  de 
cision  and  clear  good  taste  of  the  Commissioners  alone, 
which  have  kept  this  last  retreat  of  nature  within  our 
crowded  city  from  being  long  ago  plastered  and  daubed 
with  placards,  handbills,  sign-boards  and  paint,  from 
side  to  side  and  from  end  to  end,  over  turf,  tree,  rock, 
wall,  bridge,  archway,  building  and  all. 


CHAPTER    III. 
MONSIEUR    MANGIN,    THE    FRENCH    HUMBUG. 

One  of  the  most  original,  unique,  and  successful  hum 
bugs  of  the  present  day  was  the  late  Monsieur  Mangin, 
the  blacklead  pencil  maker  of  Paris.  Few  persons 
who  have  visited  the  French  capital  within  the  last  ten 


30  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD.      » 

or  twelve  years  can  have  failed  to  have  seen  him,  and 
once  seen  he  was  not  to  be  forgotten.  While  passing 
through  the  public  streets,  there  was  nothing  in  his 
personal  appearance  to  distinguish  him  from  any  ordi 
nary  gentlemen.  He  drove  a  pair  of  bay  horses,  at 
tached  to  an  open  carriage  with  two  seats,  the  back 
one  always  occupied  by  his  valet.  Sometimes  he 
would  take  up  his  stand  in  the  Champs  Elysees ;  at 
other  times,  near  the  column  in  the  Place  Vendome  ; 
but  usually  he  was  seen  in  the  afternoon  in  the  Place 
de  la  Bastille,  or  the  Place  de  la  Madeleine.  On  Sun 
days,  his  favorite  locality  was  the  Place  de  la  Bourse. 
Mangin  was  a  well-formed,  stately-looking  individual, 
with  a  most  self-satisfied  countenance,  which  seemed  to 
say  :  "  I  am  master  here ;  and  all  that  my  auditors 
have  to  do  is,  to  listen  and  obey."  Arriving  at  his  des 
tined  stopping-place,  his  carriage  halted.  His  servant 
handed  him  a  case  from  which  he  took  several  large 
portraits  of  himselt,  which  he  hung  prominently  upon 
the  sides  of  his  carriage,  and  also  placed  in  front  of  him 
a  vase  filled  with  medals  bearing  his  likeness  on  one 
side  and  a  description  of  his  pencils  on  the  other.  He 
then  leisurely  commenced  a  change  of  costume.  His 
round  hat  was  displaced  by  a  magnificent  burnished 
helmet,  mounted  with  rich  plumes  of  various  brilliant 
colors.  His  overcoat  was  laid  aside,  and  he  donned  in 
its  stead  a  costly  velvet  tunic  with  gold  fringes.  He 
then  drew  a  pair  of  polished  steel  gauntlets  upon  his 
hands,  covered  his  breast  with  a  brilliant  cuirass,  and 
placed  a  richly-mounted  sword  at  his  side.  His  ser 
vant  watched  him  closely,  and  upon  receiving  a  sign 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  31 

from  his  master,  he  too  put  on  his  official  costume, 
which  consisted  of  a  velvet  robe  and  a  helmet.  The 
servant  then  struck  up  a  tune  on  the  richly-toned  or 
gan  which  always  formed  a  part  of  Mangin's  outfit. 
The  grotesque  appearance  of  these  individuals,  and  the 
music,  soon  drew  together  an  admiring  crowd. 

Then  the  great  charlatan  stood  upon  his  feet.  His 
manner  was  calm,  dignified,  imposing,  indeed  almost 
solemn,  for  his  face  was  as  serious  as  that  of  the  chief 
mourner  at  a  funeral.  His  sharp,  intelligent  eye  scru 
tinized  the  throng  which  was  pressing  around  his  car 
riage,  until  it  rested  apparently  upon  some  particular 
individual,  when  he  gave  a  start ;  then,  with  a  dark, 
angry  expression,  as  if  the  sight  wras  repulsive,  he  ab 
ruptly  dropped  the  visor  of  his  helmet  and  thus  cov 
ered  his  face  from  the  gaze  of  the  anxious  crowd. 
This  bit  of  coquetry  produced  the  desired  effect  in 
whetting  the  appetite  of  the  multitude,  who  were  im 
patiently  waiting  to  hear  him  speak.  When  he  had 
carried  this  kind  of  by-play  as  far  as  he  thought  the 
audience  would  bear  it,  he  raised  his  hand,  and  his  ser 
vant  understanding  the  sign,  stopped  the  organ.  Man- 
gin  then  rang  a  small  bell,  stepped  forward  to  the  front 
of  the  carriage,  gave  a  slight  cough  indicative  of  a 
preparation  to  speak,  opened  his  mouth,  but  instantly 
giving  a  more  fearful  start  and  assuming  a  more  sudden 
frown  than  before,  he  took  his  seat  as  if  quite  overcome 
by  some  unpleasant  object  which  his  eyes  had  rested 
upon.  Thus  far  he  had  not  spoken  a  word.  At  last 
the  prelude  ended,  and  the  comedy  commenced.  Step 
ping  forward  again  to  the  front  of  his  carriage  where 


32  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WOULD. 

all  the  gaping  crowd  could  catch  every  word,  he  ex 
claimed  : 

'*  Gentlemen,  you  look  astonished !  You  seem  to 
wonder  and  ask  yourselves  who  is  this  modern  Quix- 
otte.  What  mean  this  costume  of  by-gone  centuries  — 
this  golden  chariot  —  these  richly  caparisoned  steeds? 
What  is  the  name  and  purpose  of  this  curious  knight- 
errant?  Gentlemen,  I  will  condescend  to  answer  your 
queries.  I  am  Monsieur  Mangin,  the  great  charlatan 
of  France  !  Yes,  gentlemen,  I  am  a  charlatan  —  a 
mountebank  ;  it  is  my  profession,  not  from  choice,  but 
from  necessity.  You,  gentlemen,  created  that  necessi 
ty  I  You  would  not  patronize  true,  unpretending, 
honest  merit,  but  you  are  attracted  by  my  glittering 
casque,  my  sweeping  crest,  my  waving  plumes.  You 
are  captivated  by  din  and  glitter,  and  therein  lies  my 
strength.  Years  ago,  I  hired  a  modest  shop  in  the 
Rue  Rivoli,  but  I  could  not  sell  pencils  enough  to  pay 
my  rent,  whereas,  by  assuming  this  disguise  —  it  is 
nothing  else  —  I  have  succeeded  in  attracting  general 
attention,  and  in  selling  literally  millions  of  my  pen 
cils  ;  and  I  assure  you  there  is  at  this  moment  scarcely 
an  artist  in  France  9r  in  Great  Britian  who  don't  know 
that  I  manufacture  by  far  the  best  blacklead  pencils 
ever  seen." 

And  this  assertion  was  indeed  true.  His  pencils 
were  everywhere  acknowledged  to  be  superior  to  any 
other. 

While  he  was  thus  addressing  his  audience,  he  would 
take  a  blank  card,  and  with  one  of  his  pencils  would  pre 
tend  to  be  drawing  the  portrait  of  some  man  standing 


PERSONAL   REMINISCENCES.  33 

near  him  ;  then  showing  his  picture  to  the  crowd,  it 
proved  to  be  the  head  of  a  donkey,  which,  of  course, 
produced  roars  of  laughter. 

"  There,  do  you  see  what  wonderful  pencils  these 
are  ?  Did  you  ever  behold  a  more  striking  likeness  ?  " 

«/  O 

A  hearty  laugh  would  be  sure  to  follow,  and  then  he 
would  exclaim  :  "  Now  who  will  have  the  first  pencil  — 
only  five  sous."  One  would  buy,  and  then  another  ;  a 
third  and  a  fourth  would  follow  ;  and  with  the  delivery 
of  each  pencil  he  would  rattle  off  a  string  of  witti 
cisms  which  kept  his  patrons  in  capital  good-humor ; 
and  frequently  he  would  sell  from  two  hundred  to  five 
hundred  pencils  in  immediate  succession.  Then  he 
would  drop  down  in  his  carriage  for  a  few  minutes  and 
wipe  the  perspiration  from  his  face,  while  his  servant 
played  another  overture  on  the  organ.  This  gave  his 
purchasers  a  chance  to  withdraw,  and  afforded  a  good 
opportunity  for  a  fresh  audience  to  congregate.  Then 
would  follow-  a  repetition  of  his  previous  sales,  and  in 
this  way  he  \vould  continue  for  hours.  To  those  dis 
posed  to  have  a  souvenir  of  the  great  humbug  he  would 
sell  six  pencils,  a  medal  and  a  photograph  of  himself 
for  a  franc  (twenty  cents.)  After  taking  a  rest  he 
would  commence  a  new  speech. 

"  When  I  was  modestly  dressed,  like  any  of  my 
hearers,  I  was  half  starved.  Punch  and  his  bells 
would  attract  crowds,  but  my  good  pencils  attracted 
nobody.  I  imitated  Punch  and  his  bells,  and  now  I 
have  two  hundred  depots  in  Paris.  I  dine  at  the  best 
cafe's,  drink  the  best  wine,  live  on  the  best  of  every 
thing,  while  my  defamers  get  poor  and  lank,  as  they 
2* 


34  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

deserve  to  be.  Who  are  my  defamers  ?  Envious 
swindlers  I  Men  who  try  to  ape  me,  but  are  too  stupid 
and  too  dishonest  to  succeed.  They  endeavor  to  at 
tract  notice  as  mountebanks,  and  then  foist  upon  the 
public  worthless  trash,  and  hope  thus  to  succeed.  Ah  ! 
defamers  of  mine,  you  are  fools  as  well  as  knaves. 
Fools,  to  think  that  any  man  can  succeed  by  systemat 
ically  and  persistently  cheating  the  public.  Knaves, 
for  desiring  the  public's  money  without  giving  them  an 
equivalent.  I  am  an  honest  man.  I  have  no  bad  hab 
its  ;  and  I  now  declare,  if  any  trader,  inventor,  manu 
facturer,  or  philanthropist  will  show  me  better  pencils 
than  mine,  I  will  give  him  l,000f. — no,  not  to  him, 
for  I  abhor  betting  —  but.  to  the  poor  of  the  Thirty- 
first  Arrondissement,  where  "I  live." 

Mangin's  harangues  were  always  accompanied  by  a 
peculiar  play  of  feature  and  of  voice,  and  with  unique 
and  original  gestures,  which  seemed  to  excite  and  cap 
tivate  his  audience. 

About  seven  years  ago,  I  met  him  in  one  of  the 
principal  restaurants  in  the  Palais  Royale.  A  mutual 
friend  introduced  me. 

u  Ah  !  "  said  he,  "  Monsieur  Barnum,  I  am  delight 
ed  to  see  you.  I  have  read  your  book  with  infinite 
satisfaction.  It  has  been  published  here  in  numerous 
editions.  I  see  you  have  the  right  idea  of  things. 
Your  motto  is  a  good  one  —  '  we  study  to  please.'  I 
have  much  wanted  to  visit  America ;  but  I  cannot 
speak  English,  so  I  must  remain  in  my  dear  belle 
France." 

I  remarked  that  I  had  often  seen  him  in  public,  and 
bought  his  pencils, 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  35 

"  Aha  !  you  never  saw  better  pencils.  You  know  I 
could  never  maintain  my  reputation  if  I  sold  poor  pen 
cils.  But  sacre  bleu,  my  miserable  would-be  imitators 
do  not  know  our  grand  secret.  First,  attract  the  pub 
lic  by  din  and  tinsel,  by  brilliant  sky-rockets  and  Ben- 
£ola  lights,  then  give  them  as  much  as  possible  for 
their  money." 

"You  are  very  happy,"  I  replied,  "in  your  manner 
of  attracting  the  public.  Your  costume  is  elegant, 
your  chariot  is  superb,  and  your  valet  and  music  are 
sure  to  draw." 

"  Thank  you  for  your  compliment,  Mr.  B.,  but  I 
have  not  forgotten  your  Buffalo-hunt,  your  Mermaid, 
nor  your  Woolly  Horse.  They  were  a  good  offset  to 
my  rich  helmet  and  sword,  my  burnished  gauntlets. and 
gaudy  cuirass.  Both  are  intended  as  advertisements 
of  something  genuine,  and  both  answer  the  purpose." 

After  comparing  notes  in  this  way  for  an  hour,  we 
parted,  and  his  last  words  were  : 

"  Mr.  B.,  I  have  got  a  grand  humbug  in  my  head, 
which  I  shall  put  in  practice  within  a  year,  and  it  shall 
double  the  sale  of  my  pencils.  Don't  ask  me  what  it 
is,  but  within  one  year  you  shall  see  it  for  yourself,  and 
you  shall  acknowledge  Monsieur  Mangin  knows  some 
thing  of  human  nature.  My  idea  is  magnifique,  but  it 
is  one  grand  secret." 

I  confess  my  curiosity  was  somewhat  excited,  and  I 
hoped  that  Monsieur  Mangin  would  "  add  another 
wrinkle  to  my  horns."  But,  poor  fellow !  within  four 
months  after  I  bade  him  adieu,  the  Paris  newspapers 
announced  his  sudden  death.  They  added  that  he  had 


36  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

left  two  hundred  thousand  francs,  which  he  had  given 
in  his  will  to  charitable  objects.  The  announcement 
was  copied  into  nearly  all  the  papers  on  the  Continent 
and  in  Great  Britain^  for  almost  everybody  had  seen 
or  heard  of  the  eccentric  pencil  maker. 

His  death  caused  many  an  honest  sigh,  and  his  ab 
sence  seemed  to  cast  a  gloom  over  several  of  his  favor 
ite  halting-places.  The  Parisians  really  loved  him,  and 
were  proud  of  his  genius. 

"  Well,"  people  in  Paris  would  remark,  "  Man  gin 
was  a  clever  fellow.  He  was  shrewd,  and  possessed  a 
thorough  knowledge  of  the  world.  He  was  a  gentle 
man  and  a  man  of  intelligence,  extremely  agreeable 
and  witty.  His  habits  were  good ;  he  was  charitable. 
He  never  cheated  anybody.  He  always  sold  a  good 
article,  and  no  person  who  purchased  from  him  had 
cause  to  complain." 

I  confess  I  felt  somewhat  chagrined  that  the  Mon 
sieur  had  thus  suddenly  taken  "  French  leave  "  with 
out  imparting  to  me  the  "  grand  secret  "  by  which  he 
was  to  double  the  sales  of  his  pencils.  But  I  had  not 
long  to  mourn  on  that  account ;  for  after  Monsieur 
Mangin  had  been  for  six  months  —  as  they  say  of 
John  Brown  —  "  mouldering  in  his  grave  "  judge  of 
the  astonishment  and  delight  of  all  Paris  at  his  re 
appearance  in  his  native  city  in  precisely  the  same  cos 
tume  and  carriage  as  formerly,  and  heralded  by  the 
same  servant  and  organ  that  had  always  attended  him. 
It  now  turned  out  that  Monsieur  Mangin  had  lived  in 
the  most  rigid  seclusion  for  half  a  year,  and  that  the 
extensively-circulated  announcements  of  his  sudden 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  37 

death  had  been  made  by  himself,  merely  as  an  "  adver 
tising  dodge  "  to  bring  him  still  more  into  notice,  and 
give  the  public  something  to  talk  about.  I  met  Man- 
o-in  in  Paris  soon  after  this  event. 

O 

"  Aha,  Monsieur  Barnum  !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  did  I 
not  tell  you  I  had  a  new  humbug  that  would  double 
the  sales  of  my  pencils  ?  I  assure  you  my  sales  are 
more  than  quadrupled,  and  it  is  sometimes  impossible 
to  have  them  manufactured  fast  enough  to  supply  the 
demand.  You  Yankees  are  very  clever,  but  by  gar, 
none  of  you  have  discovered  you  should  live  all  the 
better  if  you  would  die.  for  six  months.  It  took  Man- 
gin  to  teach  you  that." 

The  patronizing  air  with  which  he  made  this  speech, 
slapping  me  at  the  same  time  familiarly  upon  the  back, 
showed  him  in  his  true  character  of  egotist.  Although 
good-natured  and  social  to  a  degree,  he  was  really  one 
of  the  most  self-conceited  men  I  ever  met. 

Monsieur  Mangin  died  the  present  year,  and  it  is 
said  that  his  heirs  received  more  than  half  a  million  of 
frances  as  the  fruit  of  his  eccentric  labors. 


CHAPTER    IV. 


James  C.  Adams,  or  "  Grizzly  Adams,"  as  he  was 
generally  termed,  from  the  fact  of  his  having  captured 

*  Although  the  subject  of  the  following  sketch  can  hardly  be  classed 
under  the  head  of  "  Humbugs,"  he  was  an  original  genius,  and  a 
knowledge  of  some  of  his  prominent  traits  seems  appropriate  in  con 
nection  Avith  one  or  two  other  passages  of  this  book. 


38  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

so  many  grizzly  bears,  and  encountered  such  fearful 
perils  by  his  unexampled  daring,  was  an  extraordinary 
character.  For  many  years  a  hunter  and  trapper  in 
the  Rocky  and  Sierra  Nevada  Mountains,  he  acquired 
a  recklessness  which,  added  to  his  natural  invincible 
courage,  rendered  him  truly  one  of  the  most  striking 
men  of  the  age.  He  was  emphatically  what  the  Eng 
lish  call  a  man  of  u  pluck."  In  1860,  he  arrived  in 
New  York  with  his  famous  collection  of  California  ani 
mals,  captured  by  himself,  consisting  of  twenty  or  thir 
ty  immense  grizzly  bears,  at  the  head  of  which  stood 
"Old  Sampson"  —  now  in  the  American  Museum  — 
wolves,  half  a  dozen  other  species  "of  bear,  California 
lions,  tigers,  buffalo,  elk,  etc.,  and  Old  Neptune,  the 
great  sea-lion,  from  the  Pacific. 

Old  Adams  had  trained  all  these  monsters  so  that 
with  him  they  were  as  docile  as  kittens,  while  many  of 
the  most  ferocious  among  them  would  attack  a  stranger 
without  hesitation,  if  he  came  within  their  grasp.  In 
fact,  the  training  of  these  animals  was  no  fool's  play, 
as  Old  Adams  learned  to  his  cost  ;  for  the  terrific  blows 
which  he  received  from  time  to  time,  while  teaching 
them  "  docility,"  finally  cost  him  his  life. 

When  Adams  and  his  other  wild  beasts  (for  he  was 
nearly  as  wild  as  any  of  them)  arrived  in  New  York, 
he  called  immediately  at  the  Museum.  He  was  dress 
ed  in  his  hunter's  suit  of  buckskin,  trimmed  with  the 
skins  and  bordered  with  the  hanging  tails  of  small  Rocky 
Mountain  animaks  ;  his  cap  consisting  of  the  skin  of  a 
wolf's  head  and  shoulders,  from  which  depended  several 
tails  as  natural  as  life,  and  under  which  appeared  his 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  39 

stiff  bushy  gray  hair  and  his  long  white  grizzly  beard. 
In  fact,  Old  Adams  was  quite  as  much  of  a  show  as 
his  bears.  They  had  come  around  Cape  Horn  on  the 
clipper-ship  Golden  Fleece,  and  a  sea-voyage  of  three 
and  a  half  months  had  probably  not  added  much  to  the 
beauty  or  neat  appearance  of  the  old  bear-hunter. 

During  our  conversation,  Grizzly  Adams  took  off  his 
cap,  and  showed  me  the  top  of  his  head.  His  skull 
was  literally  broken  in.  It  had  on  various  occasions 
been  struck  by  the  fearful  paws  of  his  grizzly  students  ; 
and  the  last  blow,  from  the  bear  called  "General  Fre 
mont,"  had  laid  open  his  brain,  so  that  its  workings 
were  plainly  visible.  I  remarked  that  I  thought  that 
was  a  dangerous  wound,  and  might  possibly  prove  fatal. 

"Yes,"  replied  Adams,  "that  will  fix  me  out.  It 
had  nearly  healed  ;  but  old  Fremont  opened  it  for  me, 
for  the  third  or  fourth  time,  before  I  left  California, 
and  he  did  his  business  so  thoroughly,  I'm  a  used-up 
man.  However,  I  reckon  I  may  live  six  months  or  a 
year  yet." 

This  was  spoken  as  coolly  as  if  he  had  been  talking 
about  the  life  of  a  doo-. 

& 

The  immediate  object  of  "  Old  Adams"  in  calling 
upon  me  was  this.  I  had  purchased  one-half  interest 
in  his  California  menagerie  from  a  man  who  had  come 
by  way  of  the  Isthmus  from  California,  and  who  claim 
ed  to  own  an  equal  interest  with  Adams  in  the  show. 
Adams  declared  that  the  man  had  only  advanced  hiui 
some  money,  and  did  not  possess  the  right  to  sell  half 
of  the  concern.  However,  the  man  held  a  bill  of  sale 
for  one-half  of  the  "  California  Menagrie,"  and  Old 


40  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Adams  finally  consented  to  accept  me  as  an  equal  part 
ner  in  the  speculation,  saying  that  he  guessed  I  could 
do  the  managing  part,  and  he  would  show  up  the  ani 
mals.  I  obtained  a  canvas  tent,  and  erecting  it  on  the 
present  site  of  Wallack's  Theatre,  Adams  there  open 
ed  his  novel  California  Menagerie.  On  the  mornino- 

O  £T) 

of  opening,  a  band  of  music  preceded  a  procession  of 
animal-cages,  down  Broadway  and  up  the  Bowery; 
Old  Adams  dressed  in  his  hunting  costume,  heading  the 
line,  with  a  platform-wagon  on  which  were  placed  three 
immense  grizzly  bears,  two  of  which  he  held  by  chains, 
while  he  was  mounted  on  the  back  of  the  largest  griz 
zly,  which  stood  in  the  centre,  and  was  not  secured  in 
any  manner  whatever.  This  was  the  bear  known  as 
"  General  Fremont ;  "  and  so  docile  had  he  become  that 
Adams  said  he  had  used  him  as  a  packbear  to  carry  his 
cooking  and  hunting  apparatus  through  the  mountains 
for  six  months,  and  had  ridden  him  hundreds  of  miles. 
But  apparently  docile  as  were  many  of  these  animals, 
there  was  not  one  among  them  that  would  not  occa- 

O 

sionally  give  even  Adams  a  sly  blow  or  a  sly  bite  when 
a  good  chance  offered  ;  hence  Old  Adams  was  but  a 
wreck  of  his  former  self,  and  expressed  pretty  nearly 
the  truth  when  he  said  : 

"  Mr.  Barnum,  I  am  not  the  man  I  was  five  years 
ago.  Then  I  felt  able  to  stand  the  hug  of  any  grizzly 
living,  and  was  always  glad  to  encounter,  single-hand 
ed,  any  sort  of  an  animal  that  dared  present  himself. 
But  I  have  been  beaten  to  a  jelly,  torn  almost  limb 
from  limb,  and  nearly  chawed  up  and  spit  out  by  these 
treacherous  grizzly  bears.  However,  I  am  good  for  a 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  41 

few  months  yet,  and  by  that  time  I  hope  we  shall  gain 
enough  to  make  my  old  woman  comfortable,  for  I  have 
been  absent  from  her  some  years." 

His  wife  came  from  Massachusetts  to  New  York,  and 
nursed  him.  Dr.  Johns  dressed  his  wounds  every  day, 
and  not  only  told  Adams  he  could  never  recover,  but 
assured  his  friends  that  probably  a  very  few  weeks 
would  lay  him  in  his  grave. 

But  Adams  was  as  firm  as  adamant  and  as  resolute 
as  a  lion.  Amono;  the  thousands  who  saw  him  dressed 

O 

in  his  grotesque  hunter's  suit,  and  witnessed  the  appar 
ent  vigor  with  which  he  "  performed  "  the  savage  mon 
sters,  beating  and  whipping  them  into  apparently  the 
most  perfect  docility,  probably  not  one  suspected  that 
this  rough,  fierce-looking,  powerful  demi-savage,  as  he 
appeared  to  be,  was  suffering  intense  pain  from  his 
broken  skull  and  fevered  system,  and  that  nothing  kept 
him  from  stretchino-  himself  on  his  deathbed  but  that 

O 

most  indomitable  and  extraordinary  will  of  his. 

After  the  exhibition  had  been  open  six  weeks,  the 
Doctor  insisted  that  Adams  should  sell  out  his  share  in 
the  animals  and  settle  up  all  his  worldly  affairs ;  for  he* 
assured  him  that  he  was  growing  weaker  every  day, 
and  his  earthly  existence  must  soon  terminate. 

"  I  shall  live  a  good  deal  longer  than  you  doctors 
think  for,"  replied  Adams,  doggedly  ;  and  then,  seem 
ing  after  all  to  realize  the  truth  of  the  Doctor's  asser 
tion,  he  turned  tome  and  said:  "  Well,  Mr.  B.,  you 
must  buy  me  out.  "  He  named  his  price  for  his  half 
of  the  "  show,"  and  I  accepted  his  offer'.  We  had  ar 
ranged  to  exhibit  the  bears  in  Connecticut  and  Massa- 


42  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

chusetts  during  the  summer,  in  connection  with  a  cir 
cus,  and  Adams  insisted  that  I  should  hire  him  to  travel 
for  the  summer,  and  exhibit  the  bears  in  their  curious 
performances.  He  offered  to  go  for  $60  per  week  and 
traveling  expenses  of  himself  and  wife. 

I  replied  that  I  would  gladly  engage  him  as  long  as 
he  could  stand  it,  but  I  advised  him  to  give  up  business 
and  go  to  his  home  in  Massachusetts  ;  "  for,"  I  remark 
ed,  "  you  are  growing  weaker  every  day,  and  at  best 
cannot  stand  it  more  than  a  fortnight." 

<7) 

"  What  will  you  give  me  extra  if  I  will  travel  and 
exhibit  the  bears  every  day  for  ten  weeks  ?  "  asked  old 
Adams,  eagerly. 

"  Five  hundred  dollars,"  I  replied,  with  a  laugh. 

"  Done  !  "  exclaimed  Adams.  "  I  will  do  it ;  so 
draw  up  an  agreement  to  that  effect  at  once.  But  mind 
you,  draw  it  payable  to  my  wife,  for  I  may  be  too  weak 
to  attend  to  business  after  the  ten  weeks  are  up,  and  if 
I  perform  my  part  of  the  contract,  I  want  her  to  get 
the  $500  without  any  trouble." 

I  drew  up  a  contract  to  pay  him  $60  per  week  for 
his  services,  and  if  he  continued  to  exhibit  the  bears 
for  ten  consecutive  weeks  I  was  then  to  hand  him,  or 
his  wife  $500  extra. 

"  You  have  lost  your  $500  !  "  exclaimed  Adams  on 
taking  the  contract ;  "  for  I  am  bound  to  live  and  earn 
it." 

"  I  hope  you  may,  with  all  my  heart,  and  a  hundred 
years  more  if  you  desire  it,"  I  replied. 

"  Call  me  a  fool  if  I  don't  earn  the  $500  !  "  exclaim 
ed  Adams,  with  a  triumphant  laugh. 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  43 

The  "  show"  started  off  in  a  few  days,  and  at  the 
end  of  a  fortnight  I  met  it  at  Hartford,  Connecticut. 

•"  Well,"  says  I,  "  Adams,  you  seem  to  stand  it  pret 
ty  well.  I  hope  you  and  your  wife  are  comfortable  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  he  replied,  with  a  laugh  ;  "  and  you  may  as 
well  try  to  be  comfortable  too,  for  your  $500  is  a 
goner." 

"  All  right,"  I  replied  ;  "  I  hope  you  will  grow  bet 
ter  every  day." 

But  I  saw  by  his  pale  face,  and  other  indications, 
that  he  was  rapidly  failing. 

In  three  weeks  more,  I  met  him'again  at  New  Bed 
ford,  Mass.  It  seemed  to  me,  then,  that  he  could  not 
live  a  week,  for  his  eyes  were  glassy  and  his  hands 
trembled,  but  his  pluck  was  great  as  ever. 

"  This  hot  weather  is  pretty  bad  for  me,"  he  said, 
"  but  my  ten  weeks  are  half  expired,  and  I  am  good 
for  your  $500,  and,  probably,  a  month  or  two  longer." 

This  was  said  with  as  much  bravado  as  if  he  was 
offering  to  bet  upon  a  horse-race.  I  offered  to  pay  him 
half  of  the  $500  if  he  would  give  up  and  go  home ; 
but  he  peremptorily  declined  making  any  compromise 
whatever. 

I  met  him  the  ninth  week  in  Boston.  He  had  failed 
considerably  since  I  last  saw  him,  but  he  still  continued 
to  exhibit  the  bears  and  chuckled  over  his  almost  cer 
tain  triumph.  I  laughed  in  return,  and  sincerely  con 
gratulated  him  on  his  nerve  and  probable  success.  I 
remained  with  him  until  the  tenth  week  was  finished, 
and  handed  him  his  $500.  He  took  it  with  a  leer  of 
satisfaction,  and  remarked,  that  he  was  sorry  I  was  a 
teetotaller,  for  he  would  like  to  stand  treat ! 


44  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Just  before  the  menagerie  left  New  York,  I  had  paid 
$150  for  a  new  hunting-suit,  made  of  beaver-skins  sim 
ilar  to  the  one  which  Adams  had  worn.  This  I  in- 
t tended  for  Herr  Driesbach,  the  animal-tamer,  who  was 
engaged  by  me  to  take  the  place  of  Adams  whenever 
he  should  be  compelled  to  give  up. 

Adams,  on  starting  from  New  York,  asked  me  to 
loan  this  new  dress  to  him  to  perform  in  once  in  a  while 
in  a  fair  day  when  we  had  a  large  audience,  for  his  own 
costume  was  considerably  soiled.  I  did  so,  and  now 
when  I  handed  him  his  $500  he  remarked : 

"  Mr.  B.,  I  suppose  you  are  going  to  give  me  this 
new  hunting-dress." 

"  Oh  no,"  I  replied.  "  I  got  that  for  your  successor, 
who  will  exhibit  the  bears  to-morrow ;  besides,  you 
have  no  possible  use  for  it." 

"  Now,  don't  be  mean,  but  lend  me  the  dress,  if  you 
won't  give  it  to  me,  for  I  want  to  wear  it  home  to  my 
native  village." 

I  could  not  refuse  the  poor  old  man  anything,  and  I 
therefore  replied  : 

"  Well,  Adams,  I  will  lend  you  the  dress  ;  but  you 
will  send  it  back  to  me." 

"  Yes,  when  I  have  done  with  it,"  he  replied,  with 
an  evident  chuckle  of  triumph. 

I  thought  to  myself,  he  will  soon  be  done  with  it, 
and  replied  : 

"  That's  all  right." 

A  new.  idea  evidently  seized  him,  for,  with  a  bright 
ening  look  of  satisfaction,  he  said  : 

"  Now,  Barnum,  you  have  made  a  good  thing  out  of 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  45 

the  California  menagerie,  and  so  have  I ;  but  you  will 
make  a  heap  more.  So,  if  you  won't  give  me  this  new 
hunter's  dress,  just  draw  a  little  writing,  and  sign  it, 
saying  that  I  may  wear  it  until  I  have  done  with  it." 

Of  course,  1  knew  that  in  a  few  days  at  longest  he 
would  be  "  done"  with  this  world  altogether,  and,  to 
gratify  him,  I  cheerfully  drew  and  signed  the  paper. 

"  Come,  old  Yankee,  I've  got  you  this  time  —  see  if 
I  hain't  !  "  exclaimed  Adams,  with  a  broad  grin,  as  he 
took  the  paper. 

I  smiled,  and  said  : 

"  All  right,  my  dear  fellow  ;  the  longer  you  live,  the 
better  I  shall  like  it." 

We  parted,  and  he  went  to  Neponset,  a  small  town 
near  Boston,  where  his  wife  and  daughter  lived.  He 
took  at  once  to  his  bed,  and  never  rose  from  it  again. 
The  excitement  had  passed  away,  and  his  vital  energies 
could  accomplish  no  more. 

The  fifth  day  after  arriving  home,  the  physician  told 
him  he  could  not  live  until  the  next  morning.  He  re 
ceived  the  announcement  in  perfect  calmness,  and  with 
the  most  apparent  indifference  ;  then,  turning  to  his 
wife,  with  a  smile,  he  requested  her  to  have  him  bur 
ied  in  the  new  hunting  suit. 

"  For,"  said  he,  "  Barnum  agreed  to  let  me  have  it 
until  I  have  done  with  it,  and  I  was  determined  to  fix 
his  flint  this  time.  He  shall  never  see  that  dress  again." 

His  wife  assured  him  that  his  request  should  be  com 
plied  with.  He  then  sent  for  the  clergyman,  and  thej 
spent  several  hours  in  communing  together. 

Adams  told  the  clergyman  he  had  told  some  pretty 


46  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

big  stories  about  his  bears,  but  he  had  always  endeav 
ored  to  do  the  straight  thing  between  man  and  man. 
"  I  have  attended  preaching  every  day,  Sundavs  and 
all,"  said  he,  "  for  the  last  six  years.  Sometimes  an 
old  grizzly  gave  me  the  sermon,  sometimes  it  was  a 
panther  ;  often  it  was  the  thunder  and  lightning,  the 
tempest,  or  the  hurricane  on  the  peaks  of  the  Sierra 
Nevada,  or  in  the  gorges  of  the  Rocky  Mountains ; 
but  whatever  preached  to  me,  it  always  taught  me  the 
majesty  of  the  Creator,  and  revealed  to  me  the  undy 
ing  and  unchanging  love  of  our  kind  Father  in  heaven. 
Although  I  am  a  pretty  rough  customer,"  continued 
the  dying  man,  "  I  fancy  my  heart  is  in  about  the  right 
place,  and  look  with  confidence  to  the  blessed  Saviour 
for  that  rest  which  I  so  much  need,  and  which  I  have 
never  enjoyed  upon  earth."  He  then  desired  the  clergy 
man  to  pray  with  him,  after  which  he  grasped  him  by  the 
hand,  thanked  him  for  his  kindness,  and  bade  him  fare 
well. 

In  another  hour  his  spirit  had  taken  its  flight ;  and 
it  was  said  by  those  present  that  his  face  lighted  up 
into  a  smile  as  the  last  breath  escaped  him,  and  that 
smile  he  carried  into  his  grave.  Almost  his  last  words 
were  :  "  Won't  Barnum  open  his  eyes  when  he  finds  I 
have  humbugged  him  by  being  buried  in  his  new 
hunting-dress  ?  "  That  dress  was  indeed  the  shroud 
in  which  he  was  entombed. 

And  that  was  the  last  on  earth  of  "  Old  Grizzly 
Adams." 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  47 


CHAPTER    V. 

THE      GOLDEN      PIGEONS GRIZZLY      ADAMS GERMAN 

CHEMIST HAPPr    FAMILY  FRENCH    NATURALIST. 

"  Old  Grizzly  Adams  "  was  quite  candid  when,  in 
his  last  hours,  he  confessed  to  the  clergyman  that  he 
had  "  told  some  pretty  large  stories  about  his  bears." 
In  fact,  these  "  large  stories  "  were  Adam's  "  besetting 
sin."  To  hear  him  talk,  one  would  suppose  that  he 
had  seen  and  handled  everything  ever  read  or  heard  of. 
In  fact,  according  to  his  story,  California  contained 
specimens  of  all  things,  animate  and  inanimate,  to  be 
found  in  any  part  of  the  globe.  He  talked  glibly  about 
California  lions,  California  tigers,  California  leopards, 
California  hyenas,  California  camels,  and  California 
hippopotami.  He  furthermore  declared  he  had,  on  one 
occasion,  seen  a  California  elephant,  "  at  a  great  dis 
tance,"  but  it  was  "very  shy,"  and  he  would  not  per 
mit  himself  to  doubt  that  California  giraffes  existed 
somewhere  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  "  tall  trees." 

I  was  anxious  to  get  a  chance  of  exposing  to  Adams 
his  weak  point,  and  of  showing  him  the  absurdity  of 
telling  such  ridiculous  stories.  A  fit. occasion  soon  pre 
sented  itself.  One  day,  while  engaged  in  my  office  at 
the  Museum,  a  man  with  marked  Teutonic  features  and 
accent  approached  the  door  and  asked  if  I  would  like 
to  buy  a  pair  of  living  golden  pigeons. 

"  Yes,"  I  replied,  "  I  would  like  a  flock  of  4  golden 


48  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD, 

pigeons/  if  I  could  buy  them  for  their  weight  in 
silver ;  for  there  are  no  '  golden '  pigeons  in  existence, 
unless  they  are  made  from  the  pure  metal." 

"  You  shall  see  some  golden  pigeons  alive,"  he  re 
plied,  at  the  same  time  entering  my  office  and  closing 
the  door  after  him.  He  then  removed  the  lid  from  a 
small  basket  which  he  carried  in  his  hand,  and  sure 
enough  there  were  snugly  ensconced  a  pair  of  beauti 
ful  living  ruff-necked  pigeons,  as  yellow  as  saffron  and 
as  bright  as  a  double  eagle  fresh  from  the  mint. 

I  confess  I  was  somewhat  staggered  at  this  sight,  and 
quickly  asked  the  man  where  those  birds  came  from. 

A  dull,  lazy  smile  crawled  over  the  sober  face  of  my 
German  visitor,  as  he  replied  in  a  slow,  guttural  tone 
of  voice  : 

"  What  you  think  yourself?  " 

Catching  his  meaning,  I  quickly  answered  : 

"  I  think  it  is  a  humbug?  " 

"  Of  course,  I  know  you  will  say  so ;  because  you 
4  forstha '  such  things  better  as  any  man  living,  so  I 
shall  not  try  to  humbug  you.  I  have  color  them  my 
self." 

On  further  inquiry,  I  learned  that  this  German  was 
a  chemist,  and  that  he  possessed  the  art  of  coloring 
birds  any  hue  desired,  and  yet  retain  a  natural  gloss 
on  the  feathers,  which  gave  every  shade  the  appearance 
of  reality. 

"  I  can  paint  a  green  pigeon  or  a  blue  pigeon,  a  gray 
pigeon  or  a  black  pigeon,  a  brown  pigeon  or  a  pigeon 
half  blue  and  half  green,"  said  the  German  ;  "  and  if 
you  prefer  it,  I  can  paint  them  pink  or  purple,  or  give 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  49 

you  a  little  of  each  color,  and  make  you  a  rainbow  pi 
geon." 

The  "  rainbow  pigeon  "  did  not  strike  me  as  particu 
larly  desirable  ;  but,  thinking  here  was  a  good  chance 
to  catch  "  Grizzly  Adams,"  I  bought  the  pair  of  gold 
en  pigeons  for  ten  dollars,  and  sent  them  up  to  the 
"  Happy  Family,"  marked  "  Golden  Pigeons  from  Cal 
ifornia."  Mr.  Taylor  the  great  pacificator,  who  has 
charge  of  the  Happy  Family,  soon  came  down  in  a  state 
of  perspiration. 

"  Really,  Mr*  Barnum,"  said  he,  "  I  could  not  think 
of  putting  those  elegant  golden  pigeons  into  the  Happy 
Family  —  they  are  too  valuable  a  bird  —  they  might 
get  injured  —  they  are  by  far  the  most  beautiful  pig 
eons  I  ever  saw  ;  and  as  they  are  so  rare,  I  would  not 
jeopardize  their  lives  for  anything." 

"  Well,"  I  replied,  "  you  may  put  them  in  a  separate 
cage,  properly  labeled." 

Monsieur  Guillaudeu,  the  naturalist  and  taxidermist 
of  the  Museum,  has  been  attached  to  that  establishment 
since  the  year  it  was  founded,  1810.  He  is  a  French 
man,  and  has  read  everything  upon  Natural  History 
that  was  ever  published  in  his  own  or  in  the  English 
language.  He  is  now  seventy-five  years  old,  but  is 
lively  as  a  cricket,  and  takes  as  much  interest  in  Natu 
ral  History  as  he  ever  did.  When  he  saw  the  "  golden 
pigeons  from  California,"  he  was  considerably  aston 
ished  !  He  examined  them  with  great  delight  for  .half 
an  hour,  expatiating  upon  their  beautiful  color,  and  the 
near  resemblance  which  every  feature  bore  to  the  Amer- 
8 


50  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

lean  ruff-neck  pigeon.  He  soon  came  to  my  office  and 
said  : 

"  Mr.  B.,  these  golden  pigeons  are  superb,  but  they 
cannot  be  from  California.  Audubon  mentions  no  such 
bird  in  his  work  upon  American  Ornithology." 

I  told  him  he  had  better  take  Audubon  home  with 
him  that  night,  and  perhaps  by  studying  him  attentive 
ly  he  would  see  occasion  to  change  his  mind. 

The  next  day,  the  old  naturalist  called  at  my  office 
and  remarked  : 

"  Mr.  B.,  those  pigeons  are  a  more  rare  bird  than 
you  imagine.  They  are  not  mentioned  by  Linnasus, 
Cuvier,  Goldsmith,  or  any  other  writer  on  Natural  His 
tory,  so  far  as  I  have  been  able  to  discover.  I  expect 
they  must  have  come  from  some  unexplored  portion  of 
Australia." 

"  Never  mind,"  I  replied,  "  we  may  get  more  light 
on  the  subject,  perhaps,  before  long.  We  will  continue 
to  label  them  '  California  Pigeons '  until  we  can  fix 
their  nativity  elsewhere." 

The  next  morning,  "  Old  Grizzly  Adams."  whos^ 
exhibition  of  bears  was  then  open  in  Fourteenth  street, 
happened  to  be  passing  through  the  Museum,  when  his 
eyes  fell  on  the  "  Golden  California  Pigeons."  He 
looked  a  moment  and  doubtless  admired.  He  soon 
after  came  to  my  office. 

"  Mr.  B,"  said  he,  "  you  must  let  me  have  those 
California  pigeons." 

"  I  can't  spare  them,"  I  replied. 

"  But  you  must  spare  them.  All  the  birds  and  ani 
mals  from  California  ought  to  be  together.  You  own 


PERSONAL   REMINISCENCES.  51 

half  of  my   California  menagerie,  and   you   must  lend 
me  those  pigeons." 

"  Mr.  Adams,  they  are  too  rare  and  valuable  a  bird 
to  be  hawked  about  in  that  manner ;  besides,  I  expect 
they  will  attract  considerable  attention  here." 

"  Oh,  don't  be  a  fool,"  replied  Adams.  "  Rare  bird, 
indeed  !  Why,  they  are  just  as  common  in  California 
as  any  other  pigeon  !  I  could  have  brought  a  hundred 
of  them  from  San  Francisco,  if  I  had  thought  of  it." 

"  But  why  did  you  not  think  of  it  ?  "  I  asked,  with 
a  suppressed  smile. 

"  Because  they  are  so  common  there,"  said  Adams. 
"  I  did  not  think  they  would  be  any  curiosity  here.  I 
have  eaten  them  in  pigeon-pies  hundreds  of  times,  and 
shot  them  by  the  thousand  !  " 

I  was  ready  to  burst  with  laughter  to  see  how  readi 
ly  Adams  swallowed  the  bait,  but  maintaining  the  most 
rigid  gravity,  I  replied : 

"  Oh  well,  Mr.  Adams,  if  they  are  really  so  common 
in  California,  you  had  probably  better  take  them,  and 
you  may  write  over  and  have  half  a  dozen  pairs  sent  to 
me  for  the  Museum." 

"  All  right,"  said  Adams  ;  "  I  will  send  over  to  af 
friend  in  San  Francisco,  and  you  shall  have  them  here 
in  a  couple  of  months." 

I  told  Adams  that,  for  certain  reasons,  I  would  pre 
fer  to  change  the  label  so  as  to  have  it  read :  u  Golden 
Pigeons  from  Australia." 

"  Well,  call  them  what  you  like,"  replied  Adams  ; 
"  I  suppose  they  are  probably  about  as  plenty  in  Au 
stralia  as  they  are  in  California." 


52  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

I  fancied  I  could  discover  a  sly  smile  lurking  in  the 
eye  of  the  old  bear-hunter  as  he  made  this  reply. 

The  pigeons  were  labeled  as  I  suggested,  and  this  is 
how  it  happened  that  the  Bridgeport  non-believing  lady, 
mentioned  in  the  next  chapter,  was  so  much  attracted 
as  to  solicit  some  of  their  eggs  in  order  to  perpetuate 
the  species  in  old  Connecticut. 

Six  or  eight  weeks  after  this  incident,  I  was  in  the 
California  Menagerie,  and  noticed  that  the  "  Golden 
Pigeons  "  had  assumed  a  frightfully  mottled  appearance. 
Their  feathers  had  grown  out,  and  they  were  half 
white.  Adams  had  been  so  busy  with  his  bears  that  he 
had  not  noticed  the  change.  I  called  him  up  to  the 
pigeon  cage,  and  remarked  : 

"  Mr.  Adams,  I  fear  you  will  lose  your  Golden 
Pigeons ;  they  must  be  very  sick ;  I  observe  they  are 
turning  quite  pale  !  " 

Adams  looked  at  them  a  moment  with  astonishment  • 
then  turning  to  me,  and  seeing  that  I  could  not  suppress 
a  smile,  he  indignantly  exclaimed : 

"  Blast  the  Golden  Pigeons  !  You  had  better  take 
them  back  to  the  Museum.  You  can't  humbug  me 
with  your  painted  pigeons  !  " 

This  was  too  much,  and  "  I  laughed  till  I  cried  "  to 
witness  the  mixed  look  of  astonishment  and  vexation 
which  marked  the  "  grizzly  "  features  of  old  Adams. 

44  These  Golden  Pigeons,"  I  remarked,  "  are  very 
common  in  California,  I  think  I  heard  you  say  ? 
When  do  you  expect  my  half-dozen  pairs  will  arrive  ?  " 

"  You  go  to  thunder,  you  old  humbug  !  "  replied 
Adams,  as  he  marched  off  indignantly,  and  soon  disap 
peared  behind  the  cages  of  his  grizzly  bears. 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  53 

From  that  time,  Adams  seemed  to  be  more  careful 
about  telling  his  large  stories.  Perhaps  he  was  not 
cured  altogether  of  his  habit,  but  he  took  particular 
pains  when  making  marvelous  statements  to  have  them 
of  such  a  nature  that  they  could  not  be  disproved  so 
easily  as  was  that  regarding  the  "  Golden  California 
Pigeons." 


CHAPTER    VI. 

THE      WHALE,     THE     ANGEL     FISH,     AND     THE     GOLDEN 
PIGEON. 

If  the  fact  could  be  definitely  determined,  I  think  it 
would  be  discovered  that  in  this  "  wide  awake  "  coun 
try  there  are  more  persons  humbugged  by  believing  too 
little  than  too  much.  Many  persons  have  such  a  hor 
ror  of  being  taken  in,  or  such  an  elevated  opinion  of 
their  own  acuteness,  that  they  believe  everything  to  be 
a  sham,  and  in  this  way  are  continually  humbugging 
themselves. 

Several  years  since,  I  purchased  a  living  white  whale? 
captured  near  Labrador,  and  succeeded  in  placing  it, 
"  in  good  condition,"  in  a  large  tank,  fifty  feet  long, 
and  supplied  with  salt  water,  in  the  basement  of  the 
American  Museum.  I  was  obliged  to  light  the  base 
ment  with  gas,  and  that  frightened  the  sea-monster  to 
such  an  extent  that  he  kept  at  the  bottom  of  the  tank, 
except  when  he  was  compelled  to  stick  his  nose  above 
the  surface  in  order  to  breathe  or  "  blow,"  and  then 


54  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

down  he  would  go  again  as  quick  as  possible.  Visitors 
would  sometimes  stand  for  half  an  hour,  watching 
in  vain  to  get  a  look  at  the  whale ;  for,  although  he 
could  remain  under  water  only  about  two  minutes  at  a 
time,  he  would  happen  to  appear  in  some  unlocked  fpr 
quarter  of  the  huge  tank,  and  before  they  could  all  get 
a  chance  to  see  him,  he  would  be  out  of  sight  again. 
Some  impatient  and  incredulous  persons  after  waiting 
ten  minutes,  which  seemed  to  them  an  hour,  would 
sometimes  exclaim : 

"  Oh,  humbug  !  I  don't  believe  there  is  a  whale 
here  at  all  !  " 

This  incredulity  often  put  me  out  of  patience,  and  I 
would  say  : 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  there  is  a  living  whale  in 
the  tank.  He  is  frightened  by  the  gaslight  and  by  vis- 
tors  ;  but  he  is  obliged  to  come  to  the  surface  every 
two  minutes,  and  if  you  will  watch  sharply,  you  will 
see  him.  I  am  sorry  we  can't  make  him  dance  a  horn 
pipe  and  do  all  sorts  of  wonderful  things  at  the  word 
of  command  ;  but  if  you  will  exercise  your  patience  a 
few  minutes  longer,  I  assure  you  the  whale  will  be  seen 
at  considerably  less  trouble  than  it  would  be  to  go  to 
Labrador  expressly  for  that  purpose." 

This  would  usually  put  my  patrons  in  good  humor  ; 
but  I  was  myself  often  vexed  at  the  persistent  stub 
bornness  of  the  whale  in  not  calmly  floating  on  the  sur 
face  for  the  gratification  of  my  visitors. 

One  day,  a  sharp  Yankee  lady  and  her  daughter? 
from  Connecticut,  called  at  the  Museum.  I  knew  them 
well ;  and  in  answer  to  their  inquiry  for  the  locality  of 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  55 

the  whale,  I  directed  them  to  the  basement.  Half  an 
hour  afterward,  they  called  at  my  office,  and  the  acute 
mother,  in  a  half-confidential,  serio-comic  whisper,  said  : 

"  Mr.  B.,  it's  astonishing  to  what  a  number  of  pur 
poses  the  ingenuity  of  us  Yankees  has  applied  India" 
rubber."' 

I  asked  her  meaning,  and  was  soon  informed  that 
she  was  perfectly  convinced  that  it  was  an  india-rubber 
whale,  worked  by  steam  and  machinery,  by  means  of 
which  he  was  made  to  rise  to  the  surface  at  short  inter 
vals,  and  puff  with  the  regularity  of  a  pair  of  bellows. 
From  her  earnest,  confident  manner,  I  saw  it  would  be 
useless  to  attempt  to  disabuse  her  mind  on  the  subject. 
I  therefore  very  candidly  acknowledged  that  she  was 
quite  too  sharp  for  me,  and  I  must  plead  guilty  to  the 
imposition  ;  but  I  begged  her  not  to  expose  me,  for  I 
assured  her  that  she  was  the  only  person  who  had  dis 
covered  the  trick. 

It  was  worth  more  than  a  dollar  to  see  with  what  a 
smile  of  satisfaction  she  received  the  assurance  that  no 
body  else  was  as  shrewd  as  herself;  and  the  patronizing 
manner  in  which  she  bade  me  be  perfectly  tranquil,  for 
the  secret  should  be  considered  by  her  as  "  strictly  con 
fidential,"  was  decidedly  rich.  She  evidently  received 
double  her  money's  worth  in  the  happy  reflection  that 
she  could  not  be  humbugged,  and%that  I  was  terriblv 
humiliated  in  being  detected  through  her  marvelous 
powers  of  discrimination  !  I  occasionally  meet  the 
good  lady,  and  always  try  to  look  a  little  sheepish,  but 
she  invariably  assures  me  that  she  has  never  divulged 
my  secret  and  never  will ! 


56  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

On  another  occasion,  a  lady  equally  shrewd,  who 
lives  neighbor  to  me  in  Connecticut,  after  regarding  for 
a  few  minutes  the  "  Golden  Angel  Fish  "  swimming  in 
one  of  the  Aquaria,  abruptly  addressed  me  with  : 

"  You  can't  humbug  me,  Mr.  Barnum  ;  that  fish  is 
painted  ! ". 

"  Nonsense  !  "  said  I,  with  a  laugh  ;  "  the  thing  is 
impossible  !  " 

"  I  don't  care,  I  know  it  is  painted ;  it  is  as  plain  as 
can  be." 

"  But,  my  dear  Mrs.  H.,  paint  would  not  adhere  to 
a  fish  while  in  the  water  ;  and  if  it  would,  it  would 
kill  him.  Besides,"  I  added,  with  an  extra  serious  air, 
"  we  never  allow  humbugging  here  !  " 

"  Oh,  here  is  just  the  place  to  look  for  such  things," 
she  replied  with  a  smile  ;  "  and  I  must  say  I  more  than 
half  believe  that  Angel  Fish  is  painted." 

She  was  finally  nearly  convinced  of  her  error,  and 
left.  In  the  afternoon  of  the  same  day,  I  met  her  in 
Old  Adams'  California  Menagerie.  She  knew  that  I 
was  part-proprietor  of  that  establishment,  and  seeing 
me  in  conversation  with  "  Grizzly  Adams,"  she  came 
up  to  me  in  some  haste,  and  with  her  eyes  glistening 
with  excitement,  she  said  : 

"  O,  Mr.  B.,  I  never  saw  anything  so  beautiful  as 
those  elegant  '  GoMen  Pigeons  '  from  Australia.  I 
want  you  to  secure  some  of  their  eggs  for  me,  and  let 
my  pigeons  hatch  them  at  home.  I  should  prize  them 
beyond  all  measure." 

"  Oh,  you  don't  want  "  Golden  Australian  Pigeons," 
I  replied ;  "  they  are  painted." 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  57 

"  No,  they  are  not  painted/'  said  she,  with  a  laugh, 
"  but  I  half  think  the  Angel  Fish  is." 

I  could  not  control  myself  at  the  curious  coincidence, 
and  I  roared  with  laughter  while  I  replied  : 

44  Now,  Mrs.  H.,  I  never  let  a  good  joke  be  spoiled, 
even  if  it  serves  to  expose  my  own  secrets.  I  assure 
you,  upon  honor,  that  the  Golden  Australian  Pigeons, 
as  they  are  labeled,  are  really  painted  ;  and  that  in  their 
natural  state  they  are  nothing  more  nor  less  than  the 
common  ruff-necked  white  American  pigeons  !  " 

And  it  was  a  fact.  How  they  happened  to  be  ex 
hibited  under  that  auriferous  disguise  was  owing  to  an 
amusing  circumstance,  explained  in  another  chapter. 

Suffice  it  at  present  to  say,  that  Mrs.  H.  to  this  day 
"  blushes  to  her  eyebrows  "  whenever  an  allusion  is 
made  to  "  Angel  Fish  "  or  "  Golden  Pigeons." 


CHAPTER    VII. 


THE    PHELABELPHIA   ALDERMEN. 

In  the  year  1842,  a  new  style  of  advertising  appear- 
.ed  in  the  newspapers  and  in  handbills  which  arrested 
public  attention  at  once  on  account  of  its  novelty.  The 
thing  advertised  was  an  article  called  "  Pease's  Hoar- 
hound  Candy  ;  "  a  very  good  specific  for  coughs  and 
colds.  It  was  put  up  in  twenty-five  cent  packages,  and 
was  eventually  sold  wholesale  and  retail  in  enormous 
quantities.  Mr.  Pease's  system  of  advertising  was  one 
3* 


58  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

which,  I  believe,  originated  with  him  in  this  country,  al 
though  many  have  practiced  it  since,  but  of  course, 
with  less  success  —  for  imitations  seldom  succeed.  Mr. 
Pease's  plan  was  to  seize  upon  the  most  prominent  topic 
of  interest  and  general  conversation,  and  discourse  elo 
quently  upon  that  topic  in  fifty  to  a  hundred  lines  of  a 
newspaper-column,  then  glide  off  gradually  into  a  pan 
egyric  of  "  Pease's  Hoarhound  Candy."  The  conse 
quence  was,  every  reader  was  misled  by  the  caption 
and  commencement  of  his  article,  and  thousands  of 
persons  had  "  Pease's  Hoarhound  Candy  "  in  their 
mouths  long  before  they  had  seen  it !  In  fact,  it  was 
next  to  impossible  to  take  up  a  newspaper  and  attempt 
to  read  the  legitimate  news  of  the  day  without  stum 
bling  upon  a  package  of  Pease's  Hoarhound  Candy." 
The  reader  would  often  feel  vexed  to  find  that,  after 
reading  a  quarter  of  a  column  of  interesting  news  upon 
the  subject  uppermost  in  his  mind,  he  was  trapped  into 
the  perusal  of  one  of  Pease's  hoarhound  candy  adver 
tisements.  Although  inclined  sometimes  to  throw  down 
the  newspaper  in  disgust,  he  would  generally  laugh  at 
the  talent  displayed  by  Mr.  Pease  in  thus  captivating 
and  capturing  the  reader.  The  result  of  all  this  would 
generally  be,  a  trial  of  the  candy  on  the  first  premoni 
tory  symptoms  of  a  cough  or  influenza.  The  degree  to 
which  this  system  of  advertising  has  since  been  carried 
has  rendered  it  a  bore  and  a  nuisance.  The  usual  re 
sult  of  almost  any  great  and  original  achievement  is, 
the  production  of  a  shoal  of  brainless  imitators,  who 
are  "  neither  useful  nor  ornamental." 

In  the  same  year  that  Pease's  hoarhound  candy  ap- 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  59 

peared  upon  the  commercial  and  newspaper  horizon,  the 
"  Governor  Dorr  Rebellion  "  occurred  in  Rhode  Island. 
As  many  will  remember,  this  rebellion  caused  a  great 
excitement  throughout  the  country.  Citizens  of  Rhode 
Island  took  up  arms  against  each  other,  and  it  was 
feared  by  some  that  a  bloody  civil  war  would  ensue. 

At  about  this  time  a  municipal  election  was  to  come 
off  in  the  city  of  Philadelphia.  The  two  political  par 
ties  were  pretty  equally  divided  there,  and  there  were 
some  special  causes  why  this  was  regarded  as  an  unu 
sually  important  election.  Its  near  approach  caused 
more  excitement  in  the  "  Quaker  City  "  than  had  been 
witnessed  there  since  the  preceding  Presidential  elec 
tion.  The  party-leaders  began  to  lay  their  plans  early, 
and  the  wire-pullers  on  both  sides  were  unusually  busy 
in  their  vocation.  At  the  head  of  the  rabble  upon 
which  one  of  the  parties  depended  for  many  votes,  was 
a  drunken  and  profane  fellow,  whom  we  will  call  Tom 
Simmons.  Tom  was  great  at  electioneering  and  stump- 
spouting  in  bar-rooms  and  rum-caucuses,  and  his  party 
always  looked  to  him,  at  each  election,  to  stir  up  the 
subterraneans  "with  a  long  pole" — and  a  whiskey- 
jug  at  the  end  of  it. 

The  exciting  election  which  was  now  to  come  off  for 
Mayor  and  Aldermen  of  the  good  city  of  Brotherly 
Love  soon  brought  several  of  the  "ring"  to  Tom. 

"  Now,  Tom,"  said  the  head  wire-puller,  "  this  is 
going  to  be  a  close  election,  and  we  want  you  to  spare 
neither  talent  nor  liquor  in  arousing  up  and  bringing  to 
the  polls  every  voter  within  your  influence." 

"  Well,  Squire,"  replied  Tom  carelessly,  "  I've  con- 


60  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

eluded  I  won't  bother  myself  with   this   'lection  —  it 
don't  pay  !  " 

"  Don't  pay  !  "  exclaimed  the  frightened  politician. 
"  Why,  Tom,  are  you  not  a  true  friend  to  your  party  ? 
Haven't  you  always  been  on  hand  at  the  primary  meet 
ings,  knocked  down  interlopers,  and  squelched  every 
man  who  talked  about  conscience,  or  who  refused  to 
support  regular  nominations,  and  vote  the  entire  clean 
ticket  straight  through  ?  And  as  for  '  pay,'  havn't  you 
always  been  supplied  with  money  enough  to  treat  all 
doubtful  voters,  and  in  fact  to  float  them  up  to  the  polls 
in  an  ocean  of  whiskey  ?  I  confess  Tom,  I  am  almost 
petrified  with  astonishment  at  witnessing  your  present 
indifference  to  the  alarming  crisis  in  which  our  country 
and  our  party  are  involved,  and  which  nothing  on  earth 
can  avert,  except  our  success  at  the  coming  election." 

"  Oh,  tell  that  to  the  marines,"  said  Tom.  "  We 
never  yet  had  an  election  that  there  wasn't  a  '  crisis, 
and  yet,  whichever  party  gained,  we  somehow  managed 
to  live  through  it,  crisis  or  no  crisis.  In  fact,  my  curi 
osity  has  got  a  little  excited,  and  I  would  like  to  see 
this  *  crisis  '  that  is  such  a  bugaboo  at  every  election  ; 
so  trot  out  your  crisis  —  let  us  see  how  it  looks.  Be 
sides,  talking  of  pay,  I  acknowledge  the  whiskey,  and 
that  is  all.  While  I  and  my  companions  lifted  you  and 
your  companions  into  fat  offices  that  enabled  you  to 
roll  in  your  carriages,  and  live  on  the  fat  of  the  land, 
we  got  nothing  —  or.  at  least,  next  to  nothing  —  all 
we  got  was  —  well  —  we  got  drunk  !  Now,  Squire^ 
I  will  go  for  the  other  party  this  'lection  if  you  don't 
give  me  an  office." 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  61 

"  Give  you  an  office  !  "  exclaimed  the  "  Squire," 
raising  his  hands  and  rolling  his  eyes  in  utter  amaze 
ment  ;  "  why,  Tom,  what  office  do  you  want  ?  " 

"  I  want  to  be  Alderman  !  "  replied  Tom,  u  and  I 
can  control  votes  enough  to  turn  the  'lection  either 

G> 

way  ;  and  if  our  party  don't  gratefully  remember  my 
past  services  and  give  me  my  reward,  t'other  party  will 
be  glad  to  run  me  on  their  ticket,  and  over  I  go." 

The  gentleman  of  the  "  ring "  saw  by  Tom's  firm 
ness  and  clenched  teeth  that  he  was  immovable  ;  that 
his  principles,  like  those  of  too  many  others,  consisted 
of  "  loaves  and  fishes  ;  "  they  therefore  consented  to 
put  Tom's  name  on  the  municipal  ticket ;  and  the  worst 
part  of  the  story  is,  he  was  elected. 

In  a  very  short  time,  Tom  was  duly  installed  into  the 
Aldermanic  chair,  and,  opening  his  office  on  a  promi 
nent  corner,  he  was  soon  doing  a  thriving  business. 
He  was  generally  occupied  throughout  the  day  in  sit 
ting  as  a  judge  in  cases  of  book  debt  and  promissory 
notes  which  were  brought  before  him,  for  various  small 
sums  ranging  from  two  to  five,  six,  eight,  and  ten  dol 
lars.  He  would  frequently  dispose  of  thirty  or  forty  of 
these  cases  in  a  day,  and  as  imprisonment  for  debt  was 
permitted  at  that  time,  the  poor  defendants  would 
"  shin  "  around  and  make  any  sacrifice  almost,  rather 
than  go  to  jail.  The  enormous  "  costs  "  went  into  the 
capacious  pocket  of  the  Alderman  ;  and  this  dignitary, 
as  a  natural  sequence,  "  waxed  fat  "  and  saucy,  ex 
emplifying  the  truth  of  the  adage  "  Put  a  beggar  on 
horseback,"  etc. 

As  the  Alderman  grew  rich,  he  became  overbearing, 


62  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

headstrong,  and  dictatorial.  He  began  to  fancy  that  he 
monopolized  the  concentrated  wisdom  of  his  party,  and 
that  his  word  should  be  law.  Not  a  party-caucus  or  ;i 
political  meeting  could  be  held  without  witnessing  the 
vulgar  and  profane  harangues  of  the  self-conceited 
Alderman,  Tom  Simmons.  As  he  was  one  of  the 
"  ring,"  his  fingers  were  in  all  the  "  pickings  and  steal 
ings ;"  he  kept  his  family-coach,  and  in  his  general 
swagger  exhibited  all  the  peculiarities  of  "  high  life  be 
low  stairs." 

But  after  Tom  had  disgraced  his  office  for  two  years? 
a  State  election  took  place  and  the  other  party  were 
successful.  Among  the  first  laws  which  they  passed 
after  the  convening  of  the  Legislature,  was  one  declar 
ing  that  from  that  date  imprisonment  for  debt  should 
not  be  permitted  in  the  State  of  Pennsylvania  for  any 
sum  less  than  ten  dollars. 

This  enactment,  of  course,  knocked  away  the  chief 
prop  which  sustained  the  Alderman,  and  when  the 
news  of  its  passage  reached  Philadelphia,  Tom  was  the 
most  indignant  man  that  had  been  seen  there  for  some 

o 

years. 

Standing  in  front  of  his  office  the  next  morning,  sur 
rounded  by  several  of  his  political  chums,  Tom  ex 
claimed  : 

44  Do  you  see  what  them  infernal  tories  have  done 
down  there  at  Harrisburg  ?  They  have  been  and 
passed  an  outrageous,  oppressive,  barbarous,  and  uncon 
stitutional  law  !  A  pretty  idea,  indeed,  if  a  man  can't 
put  a  debtor  in  jail  for  a  less  sum  than  ten  dollars  ! 
How  am  I  going  to  support  my  family,  I  should  like 


PERSONAL   REMINISCENCES.  63 

to  know,  if  this  law  is  allowed  to  stand  ?  I  tell  you, 
gentlemen,  this  law  is  unconstitutional,  and  you  will  see 
blood  running  in  our  streets,  if  them  tory  scoundrels 
try  to  carry  it  out !  " 

His  friends  laughed,  for  they  saw  that  Tom  was  rea 
soning  from  his  pocket  instead  of  his  head  ;  and,  as  he 
almost   foamed   at  the    mouth  in  his  impotent    wrath 
they  could  not  suppress  a  smile. 

"  Oh,  you  may  laugh,  gentlemen  —  you  may  laugh  ; 
but  you  will  see  it.  Our  party  will  never  disgrace 
itself  a  permitting  the  tories  to  rob  them  of  their 
rights  by  passing  unconstitutional  laws  ;  and  I  say,  the 
sooner  we  come  to  blood,  the  better  !  " 

At  this  moment,  a  gentleman  stepped  up,  and  ad 
dressing  the  Alderman,  said  : 

"  Alderman,  I  want  to  bring  a  case  of  book  debt  be 
fore  you  this  morning." 

"  How  much  is  your  claim  ?  "  asked  Tom. 

44  Four  dollars,"  replied  the  rumseller  —  for  such  he 
proved  to  be  —  and  his  debt  was  for  drinks  chalked  up 
against  one  of  his  "  customers." 

"  You  can't  have  your  four  dollars,  Sir,"  replied  the 
excited  Alderman.  u  You  are  robbed  of  your  four  dol 
lars,  Sir.  Them  legislative  tories  at  Harrisburg,  Sir, 
have  cheated  you  out  of  your  four  dollars,  Sir.  I  un 
dertake  to  say,  Sir,  that  fifty  thousand  honest  men  in 
Philadelphia  have  been  robbed  of  their  four  dollars  by 
these  bloody  tories  and  their  cursed  unconstitutional 
Jaw  !  Ah,  gentlemen,  you  will  see  blood  running  in 
our  streets  before  you  are  a  month  older.  (A  laugh.) 
Oh,  you  may  laugh ;  but  you  will  see  it  —  see  if  you 
don't !  " 


64  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

A  newsboy  was  just  passing  by. 

"  Here,  boy,  give  me  the  Morning  Ledger,"  said  the 
Alderman,  at  the  same  time  taking  the  paper  and  hand 
ing  the  boy  a  penny.  "  Let  us  see  what  them  blasted 
cowboys  are  doing  down  at  Harrisburg  nqw^  Ah  !  — 
what  is  this  ?  "  (Reading  :)  "  4  Blood,  blood,  blood  !  ' 
Aha!  laugh,  will  you,  gentlemen?  Here  it  is." 
Reads  : 

"  *  Blood,  blood,  blood  !  The  Dorrites  have  got  possession  of  Provi 
dence.  The  military  are  called  out.  Father  is  arrayed  against  father, 
and  son  against  son.  Blood  is  already  running  in  our  streets.' 

"  Now  laugh,  will  you,  gentlemen  ?  Blood  is  run 
ning  in  the  streets  of  Providence  ;  blood  will  be  run 
ning  in  the  streets  of  Philadelphia  before  you  are  a 
fortnight  older  !  The  tories  of  Providence  and  the 

o 

tories   of  Harrisburg  must   answer  for   this  blood,  for 
they  and  their  unconstitutional  proceedings  are  the  cause 
of  its  flowing  !     Let  us  see  the  rest  of  this  tragic  scene.' 
Reads  : 

"  « Is  there  any  remedy  for  this  dreadful  state  of  things  ?  '  " 

ALDERMAN. — "  Of  course  not,  except  to  hang  every 
rascal  of  them  for  trampling  on  our  g-1-orious  Consti 
tution."  Reads  : 

"'Is  there  any  remedy  for  this  dreadful  state  of  things?  Yes, 
there  is.'  " 

ALDERMAN. — "  Oh,  there  is,  is  there  ?  What  is  it  ? 
Let  me  see."  Reads  : 

"  '  Buy  two  packages  of  Pease's  hoarhound  candy.'  " 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  65 

"  Blast  the  infernal  Ledger !  "  exclaimed  the  now 
doubly  incensed  and  indignant  Alderman,  throwing  the 
paper  upon  the  pavement  with  the  most  ineffable  dis 
gust,  amid  the  shouts  and  hurrahs  of  a  score  of  men 
who  by  this  time  had  gathered  around  the  excited 
Alderman  Tom  Simmons. 

As  I  before  remarked,  the  "  candy  "  was  a  very  good 
article  for  the  purposes  for  which  it  was  made ;  and  as 
Pease  was  an  indefatigable  man,  as  well  as  a  good  ad 
vertiser,  he  soon  acquired  a  fortune.  Mr.  Pease,  Junior, 
is  now  living  in  affluence  in  Brooklyn,  and  is  bringing 
up  a  "  happy  family  "  to  enjoy  the  fruits  of  his  indus 
try,  probity,  good  habits,  and  genius. 

The  "  humbug "  in  this  transaction,  of  course  con 
sisted  solely  in  the  manner  of  advertising.  There  was 
no  humbug  or  deception  about  the  article  manufactured- 


CHAPTER  VIII. 
BRANDRETH'S    PILLS.  —  MAGNIFICENT    ADVERTISING.  — 

POWER    OF    IMAGINATION. 

In  the  year  1834,  Dr.  Benjamin  Brandreth  com 
menced  advertising  in  the  city  of  New  York,  "  Brand- 
reth's  Pills  specially  recommended  to  purify  the  blood.'' 
His  office  consisted  of  a  room  about  ten  feet  square,  lo 
cated  in  what  was  then  known  as  the  Sun  building,  an 
edifice  ten  by  forty  feet,  situated  at  the  corner  of  Spruce 
and  Nassau  streets,  where  the  Tribune  is  now  published* 
His  "  factory  "  was  at  his  residence  in  Hudson  street. 


66  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

He  put  up  a  large  gilt  sign  over  the  Sun  office,  five  or 
six  feet  wide  by  the  length  of  the  building,  which  at 
tracted  much  attention,  as  at  that  time  it  was  probably 
the  largest  sign  in  New  York.  Dr.  Brandreth  had 
great  faith  in  his  pills,  and  I  believe  not  without  rea 
son  ;  for  multitudes  of  persons  soon  became  convinced 
of  the  truth  of  his  assertions,  that  "  all  diseases  arise 
from  impurity  or  imperfect  circulation  of  the  blood,  and 
by  purgation  with  Brandreth's  Pills  all  disease  may  be 
cured." 

But  great  and  reasonable  as  might  have  been  the 
faith  of  Dr.  Brandreth  in  the  efficacy  of  his  pills,  his 
faith  in  the  potency  of  advertising  them  was  equally 
strong.  Hence  he  commenced  advertising  largely  in 
the  Sun  newspaper  —  paying  at  least  $5,000  to  that 
paper  alone,  for  his  first  year's  advertisements.  That 
may  not  seem  a  large  sum  in  these  days,  when  parties 
have  been  known  to  pay  more  than  five  thousand  dol 
lar  for  a  single  day's  advertising  in  the  leading  jour 
nals  ;  but,  at  the  time  J^randreth  started,  his  was  con 
sidered  the  most  liberal  newspaper-advertising  of  the 
day. 

Advertising  is  to  a  genuine  article  what  manure  is  to 
land,  —  it  largely  increases  the  product.  Thousands 
of  persons  may  be  reading  your  advertisement  while 
you  are  eating,  or  sleeping,  or  attending  to  your  busi 
ness;  hence  public  attention  is  attracted,  new  cus 
tomers  come  10  you,  and,  if  you  render  them  a  satisfac 
tory  equivalent  for  their  money,  they  continue  to  pat 
ronize  you  and  recommend  you  to  their  friends. 

At  the  commencement  of  his  career,  Dr.  Brandreth 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  67 

was  indebted  to  Mr.  Moses  Y.  Beach,  proprietor  of  the 
New  York  Sun,  for  encouragement  and  means  of  ad 
vertising.  But  this  very  advertising  soon  caused  his  re 
ceipts  to  be  enormous.  Although  the  pills  were  but 
twenty-five  cents  per  box,  they  were  soon  sold  to  such 
a  great  extent,  that  tons  of  huge  cases  filled  with  the 
"  purely  vegetable  pill  "  were  sent  from  the  new  and 
extensive  manufactory  every  week.  As  his  business  in 
creased,  so  in  the  same  ratio  did  he  extend  his  adver 
tising.  The  doctor  engaged  at  one  time  a  literary  gen 
tleman  to  attend,  under  the  supervision  of  himself,  sole 
ly  to  the  advertising  department.  Column  upon  col 
umn  of  advertisements  appeared  in  the  newspapers,  in 
the  shape  of  learned  and  scientific  pathological  disser 
tations,  the  very  reading  of  which  would  tempt  a  poor 
mortal  to  rush  for  a  box  of  Brandreth's  Pills  ;  so  evi 
dent  was  it  (according  to  the  advertisement)  that  no 
body  ever  had  or  ever  would  have  "  pure  blood,"  until 
from  one  to  a  dozen  boxes  of  the  pills  had  been  taken 
as  "purifiers."  The  ingenuity  displayed  in  concocting 
these  advertisements  was  superb,  and  was  probably 
hardly  equaled  by  that  required  to  concoct  the  pills. 

No  pain,  ache,  twinge,  or  other  sensation,  good,  bad, 
or  indifferent,  ever  experienced  by  a  member  of  the 
human  family,  but  was  a  most  irrefragable  evidence  of 
the  impurity  of  the  blood ;  and  it  would  have  been 
blasphemy  to  have  denied  the  "  self-evident "  theory, 
that  u  all  diseases  arise  from  impurity  or  imperfect  cir 
culation  of  the  blood,  and  that  by  purgation  with 
Brandreth's  Pills  all  disease  may  be  cured." 

The  doctor  claims  that  his  grandfather  first  manu- 


68  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

factured  the  pills  in  1751.  I  suppose  this  may  be  true  ; 
at  all  events,  no  living  man  will  be  apt  to  testify  to  the 
contrary.  Here  is  an  extract  from  one  of  Dr.  Bran- 
dretlvs  early  advertisements,  which  will  give  an  idea 
of  his  style : 

'• '  What  has  been  longest  known  has  been  most  considered,  and  what 
has  been  most  considered  is  best  understood. 

'"The  life  of  the  flesh  is  in  the  blood.'— Lev.  xxii,  2. 

"  Bleeding  reduces  the  vital  powers;  Brandreth's  Pills  increase  them. 
So  in  sickness  never  be  bled,  especially  in  Dizziness  and  Apoplexy,  but 
always  use  Brandreth's  Pills. 

"  The  laws  of  life  are  written  upon  the  face  of  Nature.  The  Temp 
est,  Whirlwind,  and  Thunder-storm  bring  health  from  the  Solitudes  of 
God.  The  Tides  are  the  daily  agitators  and  purifiers  of  the  Mighty 
World  of  Waters. 

*«  What  these  Providential  means  are  as  purifiers  of  the  Atmosphere 
or  Air,  Brandreth's  Pills  are  to  man." 

This  splendid  system  of  advertising,  and  the  almost 
reckless  outlay  which  was  required  to  keep  it  up,  chal 
lenged  the  admiration  of  the  business  community.  In 
the  course  of  a  few  years,  his  office  was  enlarged  ;  and 
still  being  too  small,  he  took  the  store  241  Broadway, 
and  also  opened  a  branch  at  187  Hudson  street.  The 
doctor  continued  to  let  his  advertising  keep  pace  with 
his  patronage  ;  and  he  was  finally,  in  the  year  1836, 
compelled  to  remove  his  manufactory  to  Sing  Sing, 
where  such  perfectly  incredible  quantities  of  Bran 
dreth's  Pills  have  been  manufactured  and  sold  that  it 
would  hardly  be  safe  to  give  the  statistics.  Suffice  it 
to  say,  that  the  only  "  humbug  "  which  I  suspect  in 
connection  with  the  pills  was,  the  very  harmless  and 
unobjectionable  yet  novel  method  of  advertising  them ; 


PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  69 

and  as  the  doctor  amassed  a  great  fortune  by  their 
manufacture,  this  very  fact  is  prima  facie  evidence  that 
the  pill  was  a  valuable  purgative. 

A  funny  incident  occurred  to  me  in  connection  with 
this  great  pill.  In  the  year  1836,  while  I  was  trav 
elling  through  the  States  of  Alabama,  Mississippi,  and 
Louisiana,  I  became  convinced  by  reading  .Doctor 
Brandreth's  advertisements  that  I  needed  his  pills.  In 
deed,  I  there  read  the  proof  that  every  symptom  that  I 
experienced,  either  in  imagination  or  in  reality,  ren 
dered  their  extensive  consumption  absolutely  necessary 
to  preserve  my  life.  I  purchased  a  box  of  Brandreth's 
Pills  in  Columbus,  Miss.  The  effect  was  miraculous  ! 
Of  course,  it  was  just  what  the  advertisement  told  me 
it  would  be.  In  Tuscaloosa,  Alabama,  I  purchased 
half  a  dozen  boxes.  They  were  all  used  up  before  my 
perambulating  show  reached  Vicksburg,  Miss.,  and  I 
was  a  confirmed  disciple  of  the  blood  theory.  There  I 
laid  in  a  dozen  boxes.  In  Natchez,  I  made  a  similar 
purchase.  In  New  Orleans,  where  I  remained  several 
months,  I  was  a  profitable  customer,  and  had  become 
thoroughly  convinced  that  the  only  real  u  greenhorns  " 
.in  the  world  were  those  who  preferred  meat  or  bread  to 
Brandreth's  Pills.  I  took  them  morning,  noon,  and 
night.  In  fact,  the  advertisements  announced  that  one 
could  not  take  too  many ;  for  if  one  box  was  sufficient 
to  purify  the  blood,  eleven  extra  boxes  would  have  no 
injurious  effect. 

I  arrived  in  New  York  in  June  1838,  and  by  that 
time  I  had  become  such  a  firm  believer  in  the  efficacy 
of  Brandreth's  Pills,  that  I  hardly  stopped  long  enough 


70  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

to  speak  with  my  family,  before  I  hastened  to  the 
"  principal  office "  of  Doctor  Brandreth  to  congratu 
late  him  on  being  the  greatest  public  benefactor  of  the 
age. 

I  found  the  doctor  "  at  home,"  and  introduced  my 
self  without  ceremony.  I  told  him  my  experiences. 
He  was  delighted.  I  next  heartily  indorsed  every  word 
stated  in  his  advertisements.  He  was  not  surprised,  for 
he  knew  the  effects  of  his  pills  were  such  as  I  described. 
Still  he  was  elated  in  having  another  witness  whose  ex 
tensive  experiments  with  his  pills  were  so  eminently 
satisfactory.  The  doctor  and  myself  were  both  happy  — 
he  in  being  able  to  do  so  much  good  to  mankind  ;  I  in 
being  the  recipient  of  such  untold  benefits  through  his 
valuable  discovery. 

At  last,  the  doctor  chanced  to  say  that  he  wondered 
how  I  happened  to  get  his  pills  in  Natchez,  "  for,"  said 
he,  "  I  have  no  agent  there  as  yet." 

"  Oh  !  "  I  replied,  "  I  always  bought  my  pills  at  the 
drug  stores." 

"  Good  Heavens  !  "  exclaimed  the  doctor,  "  then 
they  are  were  all  counterfeits  !  vile  impositions  !  poison 
ous  compounds  !  I  never  sell  a  pill  to  a  druggist  —  I 
never  permit  an  apothecary  to  handle  one  of  my  pills. 
But  they  counterfeit  them  by  the  bushel  ;  the  unprin 
cipled,  heartless,  murderous  impostors  !  : 

I  need  not  say  I  was  surprised.  Was^Jj^  possible, 
then,  that  my  imagination^  had  done  all  tljis  business, 
and  that  I  had  been  cured  by  poisons  which  I  supposed 
were  Brandreth's  Pill  ?  I  confess  I  laughed  heartily  ; 
and  told  the  doctor  that,  after  all,  it  seemed  the  conn- 


*    PERSONAL    REMINISCENCES.  71 

terfeits  were  as  good  as  the  real  pills,  provided  the  pa 
tient  had  sufficient  faith. 

ThcTcfoctor  was  puzzled  as  well  as  vexed,  but  an  idea 
struck  him  that  soon  enabled  him  to  recover  his  usual 
equanimity. 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,"  said  he,  "  those  Southern 
druggists  have  undoubtedly  obtained  the  pills  from  me 
under  false  pretences.  They  have  pretended  to  be 
planters,  and  have  purchased  pills  from  me  in  large 
quantities  for  use  on  the  plantations,  and  then  they 
have  retailed  the  pills  from  their  drug-shops." 

I  laughed  at  this  shrewd  suggestion,  and  remarked  : 
"  This  may  be  so,  but  I  guess  my  imagination  did  the 
business  I  " 

The  doctor  was  uneasy,  but  he  asked  me  as  a  favor  to 
bring  him  one  of  the  empty  pill  boxes  which  I  had 
brought  from  the  South.  The  next  day,  I  complied 
with  his  request,  and  I  will  do  the  doctor  justice  to  say 
that,  on  comparison,  it  proved  as  he  had  suspected  • 
the  pills  were  genuine,  and  although  he  had  advertised 
that  no  druggist  should  sell  them,  they  were  so  popular 
that  druggists  found  it  necessary  to  get  them  *'  by  hook 
or  by  crook ;  "  and  the  consequence  was,  I  had  the 
pleasure  of  a  glorious  laugh,  and  Doctor  Brandreth  ex 
perienced  "  a  great  scare." 

The  doctor  "  made  his  pile  "  long  ago,  although  he 
still  devotes  his  personal  attention  to  the  "  entirely  veg 
etable  and  innocent  pills,  whose  life-giving  power  no 
pen  can  describe." 

In  1849,  the  doctor  was  elected  President  of  the 
Village  of  Sing  Sing,  N.  Y.  (where  he  still  resides,) 


72  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

and  was  re-elected  to  the  same  office  for  seven  consecu 
tive  years.  In  the  same  year,  he  was  elected  to  the 
New  York  State  Senate,  and  in  1859  was  again  elected. 
Dr.  Brandreth  is  a  liberal  man  and  a  pleasant,  enter 
taining,  and  edifying  companion.  He  deserves  all  the 
success  he  has  ever  received.  "  Long  may  he  wave  !  " 


II.   THE  SPIRITUALISTS. 

CHAPTER    IX. 

THE     DAVENPORT     BROTHERS,    THEIR     RISE     AND    PROG 
RESS. SPIRITUAL     ROPE-TYING. MUSIC    PLAYING. 

CABINET    SECRETS. "  THEY  CHOOSE  DARKNESS  RATH 
ER     THAN     LIGHT,"     ETC. THE     SPIRITUAL    HAND. 

HOW    THE    THING   IS    DONE. DR.  W.    F.    VAN    VLECK. 

The  Davenport  Brothers  are  natives  of  Buffalo,  N.  Y., 
and  in  that  city  commenced  their  career  as  "  mediums  " 
about  twelve  years  ago.  They  were  then  mere  lads. 
For  some  time,  their  operations  were  confined  to  their 
own  place,  where,  having  obtained  considerable  noto 
riety  through  the  press,  they  were  visited  by  people 
from  all  parts  of  the  country.  But,  in  1855,  they  were 
induced  by  John  F.  Coles,  a  very  worthy  spiritualist  of 
New  York  City,  to  visit  that  metropolis,  and  there 
exhibit  their  powers.  Under  the  management  of  Mr. 
Coles,  they  held  "  circles  "  afternoon  and  evening,  for 
several  days,  in  a  small  hall  at  195  Bowery.  The  au 
dience  were  seated  next  the  walls,  the  principal  space 
being  required  for  the  use  of  "  the  spirits."  The 
"  manifestations  "  mostly  consisted  in  the  thrumming 
and  seemingly  rapid  movement  about  the  hall  of  sever 
al  stringed  instruments,  the  room  having  been  made  en 
tirely  dark,  while  the  boys  were  supposed  or  asserted  to 
4 


74  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

be  quietly  seated  at  the  table  in  the  centre.  Two  guitars, 
with  sometimes  a  banjo,  were  the  instruments  used,  and 
the  noise  made  by  "  the  spirits  "  was  about  equal  to 
the  united  honking  of  a  large  flock  of  wild  geese. 
The  manifestations  were  stunning  as  well  as  astonish 
ing  ;  for  not  only  was  the  sense  of  hearing  smitten  by 
the  dreadful  sounds,  but,  sometimes,  a  member  of  the 
circle  would  get  a  "  striking  demonstration  "  over  his 
head  ! 

At  the  request  of  the  "controlling  spirit,"  -  made 
through  a  horn,  the  hall  was  lighted  at  intervals  during 
the  entertainment,  at  which  times  the  mediums  could  be 
seen  seated  at  the  table,  looking  very  innocent  and  de 
mure,  as  if  they  had  never  once  thought  of  deceiving 
anybody.  On  one  of  these  occasions,  however,  a  po 
liceman  suddenly  lighted  the  hall  by  means  of  a  dark 
lantern,  without  having  been  specially  called  upon  to 
do  so ;  and  the  boys  were  clearly  seen  with  instru 
ments  in  their  hands.  They  dropped  them  as  soon  as 
they  could,  and  resumed  their  seats  at  the  table.  Sat 
isfied  that  the  thing  was  a  humbug,  the  audience  left  in 
disgust ;  and  the  policeman  was  about  to  march  the 
boys  to  the  station-house  on  the  charge  of  swindling, 
when  he  was  prevailed  upon  to  remain  and  farther  test 
the  matter.  Left  alone  with  them,  and  the  three  seat 
ed  together  at  the  table  on  which  the  instruments  had 
been  placed,  he  laid,  at  their  request,  a  hand  on  each 
medium's  head ;  they  then  clasped  both  his  arms  with 
their  hands.  While  they  remained  thus  situated  (as  he 
supposed,)  the  room  being  dark,  one  of  the  instruments, 
•with  an  infernal  twanging  of  its  strings,  rose  from  the 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  75 

table  and  hit  the  policeman  several  times  on  the  head  ; 
then  a  strange  voice  through  the  trumpet  advised  him 
not  to  interfere  with  the  work  of  the  spirits  by  perse 
cuting  the  mediums  !  Considerably  astonished,  if  not 
positively  scared,  he  took  his  hat  and  left,  fully  per 
suaded  that  there  was  u  something  in  it !  " 

The  boys  produced  the  manifestations  by  grasping 
the  neck  of  the  instrument,  swinging  it  around,  and 
thrusting  it  into  different  parts  of  the  open  space  of 
the  room,  at  the  same  time  vibrating  the  strings  with 
the  fore-finger.  The  faster  the  finger  passed  over  the 
strings,  the  more  rapidly  the  instrument  seemed  to 
move.  Two  hands  could  thus  use  as  many  instruments. 

When  sitting  with  a  person  at  the  table,  as  they  did 
with  the  policeman,  one  hand  could  be  taken  off  the 
investigator's  arm  without  his  knowing  it,  by  gently  in 
creasing,  at  the  same  time,  the  pressure  of  the  other 
hand.  It  was  an  easy  matter  then  to  raise  and  thrum 
the  instrument  or  talk  through  the  horn. 

About  a  dozen  gentlemen  —  several  of  whom  were 
members  of  the  press  —  had  a  private  seance  with  the 
boys  one  afternoon,  on  which  occasion  <fc  the  spirits " 
ventured  upon  an  extra  "  manifestation."  All  took 
seats  at  one  side  of  a  long,  high  table  —  the  position  of 
the  mediums  being  midway  of  the  row.  This  time,  a 
little,  dim,  ghostly  gaslight  was  allowed  in  the  room. 
What  seemed  to  be  a  hand  soon  appeared,  partly  above 
the  edge  of  the  vacant  side  of  the  table,  and  opposite 
the  "  mediums."  One  excited  spiritualist  present  said 
he  could  see  the  finger-nails. 

John  F.   Coles  —  who    had   for   several    days,   sus- 


76  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

pected  the  innocence  of  the  boys  —  sprang  from  his 
seat,  turned  up  the  gaslight,  and  pounced  on  the  elder 
boy,  who  was  found  to  have  a  nicely  stuffed  glove 
drawn  partly  on  to  the  toe  of  his  boot.  That,  then, 
was  the  spirit-hand  !  The  nails  that  the  imaginative 
spiritualist  thought  he  saw  were  not  on  the  fingers. 
The  boy  alleged  that  the  spirits  made  him  attempt  the 
deception. 

The  father  of  these  boys,  who  had  accompanied  them 
to  New  York,  took  them  home  immediately  after  that 
exposure.  In  Buffalo,  they  continued  to  hold  "  circles," 
hoping  to  retrieve  their  lost  reputation  as  good  medi 
ums  —  by  being,  not  more  honest,  but  more  cautious. 
To  prevent  any  one  getting  hold  of  them  while  opera 
ting,  they  hit  upon  the  plan  of  passing  a  rope  through 
a  button-hole  of  each  gentleman's  coat,  the  ends  to  be 
held  by  a  trusty  person  —  assigning,  as  a  reason  for 
that  arrangement,  that  it  would  then  be*known  no  one 
in  the  circle  could  assist  in  producing  the  manifesta 
tions.  The  plan  did  not  always  work  well,  however  ; 
for  a  skeptic  would  sometimes  cut  the  rope,  and  then 
pounce  upon  "the  spirit" — that  is,  if  he  didn't  hap 
pen  to  miss  that  individual,  on  account  of  the  darkness 
and  while  trying  to  avoid  a  collision  with  the  instru 
ments. 

To  secure  greater  immunity  from  detection,  and  to 
enable  them  to  exhibit  in  large  halls  which  could  not 
easily  be  darkened,  the  boys  finally  fixed  upon  a  "  cab 
inet  "  as  the  best  thing  in  which  to  work.  They  had, 
some  time  before,  made  the  "  rope-test  "  a  feature  of 
their  exhibitions  ;  and  in  their  cabinet-show  they  de- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  77 

pended  for  success  in  deceiving  entirely  upon  the  pre 
sumption  of  the  audience  that  their  hands  were  so  se 
cured  with  ropes  as  to  prevent  their  playing  upon  the 
musical  instruments,  or  doing  whatever  else  the  spirits 
were  assumed  to  do. 

Their  cabinet  is  about  six  feet  high,  six  feet  long,  and 
two  and  a  half  feet  deep,  the  front  consisting  of  three 
doors,  opening  outward.  In  each  end  is  a  seat,  with 
holes  through  which  the  ropes  can  be  passed  in  securing 
the  mediums.  In  the  upper  part  of  the  middle  door  is 
a  lozenge-shaped  aperture,  curtained  on  the  inside  with 
black  muslin  or  oilcloth.  The  bolts  are  on  the  inside 
of  the  doors. 

The  mediums  are  generally  first  tied  by  a  committee 
of  two  gentlemen  appointed  from  the  audience.  The 
doors  of  the  cabinet  are  then  closed,  those  at  the  ends 
first,  and  then  the  middle  one,  the  bolt  of  which  is 
reached  by  the  manager  through  the  aperture. 

By  the  time  the  end  doors  are  closed  and  bolted,  the 
Davenports,  in  many  instances,  have  succeeded  in 
loosening  the  knots  next  their  wrists,  and  in  slipping 
their  hands  out,  the  latter  being  then  exhibited  at  the 
aperture.  Lest  the  hands  should  be  recognized  as  be 
longing  to  the  mediums,  they  are  kept  in  a  constant 
shaking  motion  while  in  view  ;  and  to  make  the  hands 
look  large  or  small,  they  spread  or  press  together  the 
fingers.  With  that  peculiar  rapid  motion  imparted  to 
them,  four  hands  in  the  aperture  will  appear  to  be  half-a- 
dozen.  A  lady's  flesh  colored  kid  glove,  nicely  stuffed 
with  cotton,  is  sometimes  exhibited  as  a  female  hand  — 
a  critical  observation  of  it  never  being  allowed.  It  does 


78  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

not  take  the  medium  long  to  draw  the  knots  close  to 
their  wrists  again.  They  are  then  ready  to  be  inspect 
ed  by  the  Committee,  who  report  them  tied  as  they 
were  left.  Supposing  them  to  have  been  securely  bound 
all  the  while,  those  who  witness  the  show  are  very  nat 
urally  astonished. 

Sometimes,  after  being  tied  by  a  committee,  the  me 
diums  cannot  readily  extricate  their  hands  and  get  them 
back  as  they  were  ;  in  which  case  they  release  them 
selves  entirely  from  the  ropes  before  the  door?  are  again 
opened,  concluding  to  wait  till  after  "  the  spirits  "  have 
bound  them,  before  showing  hands  or  making  music. 

It  is  a  common  thing  for  these  impostors  to  give  the 
rope  between  their  hands  a  twist  while  those  limbs  are 
being  bound  ;  and  that  movement,  if  dexterously  made, 
while  the  attention  of  the  committee-men  is  momentari 
ly  diverted,  is  not  likely  to  be  detected.  Reversing 
that  movement  will  let  the  hand  out. 

The  great  point  with  the  Davenports  in  tying  them, 
selves  is,  to  have  a  knot  next  their  wrists  that  looks  sol 
id,  u  fair  and  square,"  at  the  same  time  that  they  can 
slip  it  and  get  their  hands  out  in  a  moment.  There 
are  several  ways  of  forming  such  a  knot,  one  of  which 
I  will  attempt  to  describe.  In  the  middle  of  a  rope  a 
square  knot  is  tied,  loosely  at  first,  so  that  the  ends  of 
the  rope  can  be  tucked  through,  in  opposite  directions, 
below  the  knot,  and  the  latter  is  then  drawn  tight. 
There  are  then  two  loops  —  which  should  be  made 
small  —  through  which  the  hands  are  to  pass  after  the 
rest  of  the  tying  is  done.  Just  sufficient  slack  is  left  to 
admit  of  the  hands  passing  through  the  loops,  which, 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  79 

lastly,  are  drawn  close  to  the  wrists,  the  knot  coming 
between  the  latter.  No  one,  from  the  appearance  of 
such  a  knot,  would  suspect  it  could  be  slipped.  The 
mediums  thus  tied  can,  immediately  after  the  committee 
have  inspected  the  knots,  and  closed  the  doors,  show 
hands  or  play  upon  musical  instruments,  and  in  a  few 
seconds  be,  to  all  appearance,  firmly  tied  again. 

If  flour  has  been  placed  in  their  hands,  it  makes  no 
difference  as  to  their  getting  those  members  out  of  or 
into  the  ropes  ;  but,  to  show  hands  at  the  aperture,  or 
to  make  a  noise  on  the  musical  instruments,  it  is  neces 
sary  that  the}''  should  get  the  flour  out  of  one  hand  in 
to  the  other.  The  moisture  of  the  hand  and  squeezing, 
packs  the  flour  into  a  lump,  which  can  be  laid  into  the 
other  hand  and  returned  without  losing  any.  The  lit 
tle  flour  that  adheres  to  the  empty  hand  can  be  wiped 
off  in  the  pantaloons  pocket.  The  mediums  seldom  if 
ever  take  flour  in  their  hands  while  they  are  in  the 
bonds  put  upon  them  by  the  committee.  The  princi 
pal  part  of  the  show  is  after  the  trying  has  been  done 
in  their  own  way.  Wm.  Fay,  who  accompanies  the 
Davenports,  is  thus  fixed  when  the  hypothetical  spirits 
take  the  coat  off  his  back. 

As  I  before  remarked,  there  are  several  ways  in 
which  the  mediums  tie  themselves.  They  always  do 
it,  however,  in  sucli  a  manner  that,  though  the  tying 
looks  secure,  they  can  immediately  get  one  or  both 
hands  out.  Let  committees  insist  upon  untying  the 
knots  of  the  spirits,  whether  the  mediums  are  willing 
or  not.  A  little  critical  observation  will  enable  them 
to  learn  the  trick. 


80  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

To  make  this  subject  of  tying  clearer,  I  will  repeat 
that  the  Davenports  always  untie  themselves  by  using 
their  hands ;  as  they  are  able  in  ninety-nine  cases  out 
of  a  hundred,  however  impossible  it  may  seem,  to  re 
lease  their  hands  by  loosening  the  knots  next  their 
wrists.  Sometimes  they  do  this  by  twisting  the  rope 
between  their  wrists  ;  sometimes  it  is  by  keeping  their 
muscles  as  tense  as  possible  during  the  tying,  so  that 
when  relaxed  there  shall  be  some  slack.  Most  "  com 
mittees  "  know  so  little  about  tying,  that  anybody,  by  a 
little  pulling,  slipping,  and  wriggling,  could  slip  his 
hands  out  of  their  knots. 

A  violin,  bell,  and  tambourine,  with  perhaps  a  gui 
tar  and  drum,  are  the  instruments  used  by  the  Dav 
enports  in  the  cabinet.  The  one  who  plays  the  violin 
holds  the  bell  in  his  hand  witli  the  bow.  The  other 
chap  beats  the  tambourine  on  his  knee,  and  has  a  hand 
for  something  else. 

The  u  mediums  "  frequently  allow  a  person  to  re 
main  with  them,  providing  he  will  let  his  hands  be  tied 
to. their  knees,  the  operators  having  previously  been 
tied  by  "  the  spirits."  The  party  who  ventures  upon  that 
experiment  is  apt  to  be  considerably  "  mussed  up,"  as 
"  the  spirits  "  are  not  very  gentle  in  their  manipula 
tions. 

To  expose  all  the  tricks  of  these  impostors  would  re 
quire  more  space  than  I  can  afford  at  present.  They 
have  exhibited  throughout  the  Northern  States  and  the 
Canaclas  ;  but  never  succeeded  very  well  pecuniarily 
until  about  two  years  ago,  when  they  employed  an  agent, 
who  advertised  them  in  such  a  way  as  to  attract  public 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  81 

attention.     In  September  last,  they  went  to   England, 
where  they  have  since  created  considerable  excitement. 

If  the  hands  of  these  boys  were  tied  close  against 
the  side  of  their  cabinet,  the  ropes  passing  through 
holes  and  fastened  on  the  outside,  I  think  "  the  spirits  " 
would  always  fail  to  work. 

Dr.  W.  F.  Van  Vleck,  of  Ohio,  to  whom  I  am  in 
debted  for  some  of  the  facts  contained  in  this  chapter, 
can  beat  the  Davenport  brothers  at  their  own  game. 
In  order  that  he  might  the  better  learn  the  various 
methods  pursued  by  the  professed  "  mediums  "  in  de 
ceiving  the  public,  Dr.  Van  Vleck  entered  into  the 
medium-business  himself,  and  by  establishing  confiden 
tial  relations  with  those  of  the  profession  whose  ac 
quaintance  he  made,  he  became  duly  qualified  to  ex 
pose  them. 

He  was  accepted  and  indorsed  by  leading  spiritual 
ists  in  different  parts  of  the  country,  as  a  good  'medium, 
who  performed  the  most  remarkable  spiritual  wonders. 
As  the  worthy  doctor  practiced  this  innocent  deception 
on  the  professed  mediums  solely  in  order  that  he  might 
thus  be  able  to  expose  their  blasphemous  impositions, 
the  public  will  scarcely  dispute  that  in  this  case  the  end 
justified  the  means.  I  suppose  it  is  not  possible  for 
any  professed  medium  to  puzzle  or  deceive  the  doctor. 
He  is  up  to  all  their  "  dodges,"  because  he  has  learned 
in  their  school.  Mediums  always  insist  upon  certain 
conditions,  and  those  conditions  are  just  such  as  will 
best  enable  them  to  deceive  the  senses  and  pervert  the 
judgment. 

Anderson    u  the   Wizard  of  the  North,"  and  other 
4* 


82  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

conjurers  in  England,  gave  the  Davenports  battle,  but 
the  "  prestidigitators "  did  not  reap  many  laurels. 
Conjurers  are  no  more  likely  to  understand  the  tricks 
of  the  mediums  than  any  other  person  is.  Before  a 
trick  can  be  exposed  it  must  be  learned.  Dr.  Van 
Vleck,  having  learned  "  the  ropes,"  is  competent  to  ex 
pose  them  ;  and  he  is  doing  it  in  many  interesting  pub 
lic  lectures  and  illustrations. 

If  the  Davenports  were  exhibiting  simply  as  jugglers, 
I  might  admire  their  dexterity,  and  have  nothing  to  say 
against  them  ;  but  when  they  presumptuously  pretend 
to  deal  in  "  things  spiritual,"  I  consider  it  my  duty, 
while  treating  of  humbugs,  to  do  this  much  at  least  in 
exposing  them. 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE     SPIRIT-RAPPING    AND    MEDIUM     HUMBUGS. THEIR 

ORIGIN. HOW  THE  THING  IS  DONE. $500  REWARD. 

The  "  spirit-rapping  "  humbug  was  started  in  Hydes- 
ville,  New  York,  about  seventeen  years  ago,  by  several 
daughters  of  a  Mr.  Fox,  living  in  that  place.  These 
girls  discovered  that  certain  exercises  of  their  anatomy 
would  produce  mysterious  sounds  —  mysterious  to  those 
who  heard  them,  simply  because  the  means  of  their 
production  were  not  apparent.  Reports  of  this  wonder 
soon  went  abroad,  and  the  Fox  family  were  daily  visit 
ed  by  people  from  different  sections  of  the  country  — 
all  having  a  greed  for  the  marvelous.  Not  long  after 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  83 

the  strange  sounds  were  first  heard,  some  one  suggested 
that  they  were,  perhaps,  produced  by  spirits  ;  and  a  re 
quest  was  made  for  a  certain  number  of  raps,  if  that 
suggestion  was  correct.  The  specified  number  were 
immediately  heard.  A  plan  was  then  proposed  by 
means  of  which  communications  might  be  received 
from  "  the  spirits."  An  investigator  would  repeat  the 
alphabet,  writing  down  whatever  letters  were  designa 
ted  by  the  "  raps."  Sentences  were  thus  formed  —  the 
orthography,  however,  being  decidedly  bad. 

What  purported  to  be  the  spirit  of  a  murdered  ped 
dler,  gave  an  account  of  his  "  taking  off'."  He  said 
that  his  body  was  buried  beneath  that  very  house,  in  a 
corner  of  the  cellar  ;  that  he  had  been  killed  by  a  for 
mer  occupant  of  the  premises.  A  peddler  really  had 
disappeared,  somewhat  mysteriously,  from  that  part  of 
the  country  some  time  before  :  and  ready  credence  was 
given  the  statements  thus  spelled  out  through  the 
"  raps."  Digging  to  the  depth  of  eight  feet  in  the 
cellar  did  not  disclose  any  "  dead  corpus,"  or  even  the 
remains  of  one.  Soon  after  that,  the  missing  peddler 
reappeared  in  Hydesville,  still  "  clothed  with  mortali 
ty,"  and  having  a  new  assortment  of  wares  to  sell. 

That  the  "  raps  "  were  produced  by  disembodied 
spirits  many  firmly  believed.  False  communications 
were  attributed  to  evil  spirits.  The  answers  to  ques 
tions  were  as  often  wrong  as  right  ;  and  only  right 
when  the  answer  could  be  easily  guessed,  or  inferred 
from  the  nature  of  the  question  itself. 

The  Fox  family  moved  to  Rochester,  New  York, 
soon  after  the  rapping-humbug  was  started ;  and  it  was 


84  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

there  that  their  first  public  effort  was  made.  A  com 
mittee  was  appointed  to  investigate  the  matter,  most  of 
whom  reported  adversely  to  the  claims  of  the  "  medi 
ums  ;  "  though  all  of  them  were  puzzled  to  know  how 
the  thing  was  done.  In  Buffalo,  where  the  Foxes  sub 
sequently  let  their  spirits  flow,  a  committee  of  doctors 
reported  that  these  loosely-constructed  girls  produced 
the  "  raps "  by  snapping  their  toe  and  knee  joints. 
That  theory,  though  very  much  ridiculed  bv  the  spir 
itualists  then  and  since,  was  correct,  as  further  devel 
opments  proved. 

Mrs.  Culver,  a  relative  of  the  Fox  girls,  made  a  sol 
emn  deposition  before  a  magistrate,  to  the  effect  that 
one  of  the  girls  had  instructed  her  how  to  produce  the 
"  raps,"  on  condition  that  she  (Mrs.  C.)  should  not 
communicate  a  knowledge  of  the  matter  to  any  one. 
Mrs.  Culver  was  a  good  Christian  woman,  and  she  felt 
it  her  duty  —  as  the  deception  had  been  carried  so  far  — 
to  expose  the  matter.  She  actually  produced  the 
"raps,"  in  presence  of  the  magistrate,  and  explained 
the  manner  of  making  them. 

Doctor  Von  Vleck  —  to  whom  I  referred  in  connec 
tion  with  my  exposition  of  the  Davenport  imposture  — 
produces  very  loud  "  raps  "  before  his  audiences,  and  so 
modulates  them  that  they  will  seem  to  be  at  any  desired 
point  in  his  vicinity  ;  yet  not  a  movement  of  his  body 
betrays  the  fact  that  the  sounds  are  caused  by  him. 

The  Fox  family  found  that  the  rapping  business 
would  be  made  to  p:iy  ;  and  so  they  continued  it,  with 
varying  success,  for  a  number  of  years,  making  New 
York  city  their  place  of  residence  and  principal  Held  of 


THE    SRIRITUALISTS.  85 

operation.  I  believe  that  none  of  them  are  now  in  the 
"  spiritual  line.'.'  Margaret  Fox,  the  youngest  of  the 
rappers,  has  for  some  time  been  a  member  of  the  Ro 
man  Catholic  Church. 

From  the  very  commencement  of  spiritualism,  there 
has  been  a  constantly  increasing  demand  for  "  spiritual  " 
wonders,  to  meet  which  numerous  "  mediums  "  have 
been  "  developed." 

Many,  who  otherwise  would  not  be  in  the  least  dis 
tinguished,  have  become  "  mediums  "  in  order  to  obtain 
notoriety,  if  nothing  more. 

Communicating  by  "  raps  "  was  a  slow  process  ;  so 
some  of  the  mediums  took  to  writing  spasmodically  ; 
others  talked  in  a  "  trance  "  —  all  under  the  influence 
of  spirits ! 

Mediumship  has  come  to  be  a  profession  steadily  pur 
sued  by  quite  a  number  of  persons,  who  get  their  living 
by  it. 

There  are  various  classes  of  "  mediums,"  the  opera 
tions  of  each  class  being  confined  to  a  particular  de 
partment  of  "  spiritual  "  humbuggery. 

Some  call  themselves  "  test  mediums ;  "  and,  bv  in 
sisting  upon  certain  formulas,  they  succeed  in  astonish 
ing,  if  they  don't  convince  most  of  them  who  visit 
them.  It  is  by  this  class  that  the  public  is  most  likely 
to  be  deceived. 

There  is  a  person  by  the  name  of  J.  V.  Mansfield^ 
who  has  been  called  by  spiritualists  the  "  Great  Spirit 
Postmaster,"  his  specialty  being  the  answering  of  sealed 
letters  addressed  to  spirits.  The  letters  are  returned  — 
some  of  them  at  least  —  to  the  writers  without  appear- 


86  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

ing  to  have  been  opened,  accompanied  by  answers 
purporting  to  be  written  through  Mansfield  by  the  spir 
its  addressed.  Such  of  these  letters  as  are  sealed  with 
gum-arabic  merely,  can  be  steamed  open,  and  the  envel 
opes  resealed  and  reglazed  as  they  were  before.  If 
sealing-wax  has  been  used,  a  sharp,  thin  blade  will  en 
able  the  medium  to  nicely  cut  off  the  seal  by  splitting 
the  paper  under  it  ;  and  then,  after  a  knowledge  of  the 
contents  of  the  letter  is  arrived  at,  the  seal  can  be  re 
placed  in  its  original  position,  and  made  fast  with  gum- 
arabic.  Not  more  than  one  out  of  a  hundred  would  be 
likely  to  observe  that  the  seal  had  ever  been  tampered 
with.  The  investigator  opens  the  envelope,  when  re 
turned  to  him,  at  the  end,  preserving  the  sealed  part 
intact,  in  order  to  show  his  friends  that  the  letter  was 
answered  without  being  opened  ! 

Another  method  of  the  medium  is,  to  slit  open  the 
envelope  at  the  end  with  a  sharp  knife,  and  afterward 
stick  it  together  again  with  gum,  rubbing  the  edge 
slightly  as  soon  as  the  gum  is  dry.  If  the  job  is  nicely 
done,  a  close  observer  would  hardly  perceive  it. 

Mr.  Mansfield  does  not  engage  to  answer  all  letters  ; 
those  unanswered  being  too  securely  sealed  for  him  to 
open  without  detection.  To  secure  the  services  of  the 
"  Great  Spirit-Postmaster,"  a  fee  of  five  dollars  must 
accompany  your  letter  to  the  spirits  ;  and  the  money  is 
retained  whether  an  answer  is  returned  or  not. 

Rather  high  postage  that ! 

Several  years  since,  a  gentleman  living  in  Buffalo, 
N.  Y.,  addressed  some  questions  to  one  of  his  spirit- 
friends,  and  inclosed  them,  together  with  a  single  hair 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  87 

and  a  grain  of  sand,  in  an  envelope,  which  he  sealed  so 
closely  that  no  part  of  the  contents  could  escape  while 
being  transmitted  by  mail.  The  questions  were  sent 
to  Mr.  Mansfield  and  answers  requested  through  his 
"  mediumship."  The  envelope  containing  the  ques 
tions  was  soon  returned,  with  answers  to  the  letter. 
The  former  did  not  appear  to  have  been  opened. 
Spreading  a  large  sheet  of  blank  paper  on  a  table  be 
fore  him,  the  gentleman  opened  the  envelope  and  placed 
its  contents  on  the  table.  The  hair  and  grain  of  sand 
were  not  there. 

Time  and  again  has  Mansfield  been  convicted  of  im 
posture,  yet  he  still  prosecutes  his  nefarious  business. 

The  "  Spirit-Postmaster "  fails  to  get  answers  to 
such  questions  as  these : 

"  Where  did  you  die  ?  " 

"  When?" 

"  Who  attended  you  in  your  last  illness  ?  " 

"  What  were  your  last  words  ?  " 

"  How  many  were  present  at  your  death  ?  " 

But  if  the  questions  are  of  such  a  nature  as  the  fol 
lowing,  answers  are  generally  obtained  : 

"  Are  you  happy  ?  " 

"  Are  you  often  near  me  ?  " 

"  And  can  you  influence  me  ?  " 

u  Have  you  changed  your  religious  notions  since  en 
tering  the  spirit-world  ?  r' 

It  is  to  be  observed  that  the  questions  which  the 
"  Spirit-Postmaster  "  can  answer  require  no  knowledge 
of  facts  about  the  applicant,  while  those  which  he  can 
not  answer,  do  require  it. 


88  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Address,  for  instance,  your  spirit-father  without  men 
tioning  his  name,  and  the  name  will  not  be  given  in 
connection  with  the  reply  purporting  to  come  from  him 
—  unless  the  medium  knows  your  family. 

I  will  write  a  series  of  questions  addressed  to  one  of 
my  spirit-friends,  inclose  them  in  an  envelope,  and  if 
Mr.  Mansfield  or  any  other  professed  medium  will  an 
swer  those  questions  pertinently  in  my  presence,  and 
without  touching  the  envelope,  I  will  give  to  such  par 
ty  five  hundred  dollars,  and  think  I  have  got  the  worth 
of  my  money. 


CHAPTER    XI. 
THE 

"  DISEASED  "    RELATIVES. A  u  HUNGRY  SPIRIT.'* 

"PALMING"    A   BALLOT. — REVELATIONS    ON    STRIPS 
OF  PAPER. 

An  aptitude  for  deception  is  all  the  capital  that  a 
person  requires  in  order  to  become  a  "  spirit-medium  ;  " 
or,  at  least,  to  gain  the  reputation  of  being  one.  Back 
ing  up  the  pretence  to  mediumship  with  a  show  of 
something  mysterious,  is  all-sufficient  to  enlist  attention, 
and  insure  the  making  of  converts. 

One  of  the  most  noted  of  the  mediumistic  fraternity 
—  whose  name  I  do  not  choose  to  give  at  present  — 
steadily  pursued  his  business,  for  several  years,  in  a 
room  in  Broadway,  in  this  city,  and  succeeded  not  only 
in  humbugging  a  good  many  people,  but  in  what  was 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  89 

more  important  to  him  —  acquiring  quite  an  amount  of 
money.  His  mode  of  operating  was  "  the  ballot-test," 
and  was  as  follows  : 

Medium  and  investigator  being  seated  opposite  each 
other  at  a  table,  the  latter  was  handed  several  slips  of 
blank  paper,  with  the  request  that  he  write  the  first 
(or  Christian)  names — one  on  each  paper — of  sever 
al  of  his  deceased  relatives,  which  being  done,  he  was 
desired  to  touch  the  folded  papers,  one  after  the  other, 
till  one  should  be  designated,  by  three  tips  of  the  table, 
as  containing  the  name  of  the  spirit  who  would  com 
municate.  The  selected  paper  was  laid  aside,  and  the 
others  thrown  upon  the  floor,  the  investigator  being 
further  requested  to  write  on  as  many  different  pieces 
of  paper  as  contained  the  names,  and  the  relation  (to 
himself)  of  the  spirits  bearing  them.  Supposing  the 
names  written  were  Mary,  Joseph,  and  Samuel,  being, 
respectively,  the  investigator's  mother,  father,  and  broth 
er.  The  last-named  class  would  be  secondly  written, 
and  one  of  them  designated  by  three  tips  of  the  table, 
as  in  the  first  instance.  The  respective  ages  of  the 
deceased  parties,  at  the  time  of  their  decease,  would 
also  be  written,  and  one  of  them  selected.  The  first 
u  test "  consisted  in  having  the  selected  name,  relation 
ship,  and  age  correspond  —  that  is,  refer  to  the  same 
party  ;  to  ascertain  which  the  investigator  was  desired 
to  look  at  them,  and  state  if  it  was  the  case.  If  the 
correspondence  was  affirmed,  a  communication  was 
soon  given,  with  the  selected  name,  relationship,  and 
age  appended.  Questions,  written  in  the  presence  of 
the  medium,  were  answered  relevantly,  if  not  perti- 


90  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

nently.  Investigators  generally  did  their  part  of  the 
writing  in  a  guarded  manner,  interposing  their  left  hand 
between  the  paper  on  which  they  wrote  and  the  medi 
um's  eyes  ;  and  they  were  very  much  astonished  when 
they  received  a  communication,  couched  in  affectionate 
terms,  with  the  names  of  their  spirit-friends  attached. 

By  long  practice,  the  medium  was  enabled  to  deter 
mine  what  the  investigator  wrote,  by  the  motion  of  his 
hand  in  writing.  Nine  out  of  ten  wrote  the  relation 
ship  first  that  corresponded  with  the  first  name  they  had 
written.  Therefore,  if  the  medium  selected  the  first 
that  was  written  of  each  class,  they  in  most  cases  re 
ferred  to  the  same  spirit.  He  waited  till  the  investiga 
tor  had  affirmed  the  coincidence,  before  proceeding  ;  for 
he  did  not  like  to  write  a  communication,  appending  to 
it,  for  instance,  "  Your  Uncle  John,"  when  it  ought 
to  be  "  Your  Father  John."  The  reason  he  did  not 
desire  inquirers  to  write  the  surnames  of  their  spirit- 
friends,  was  this:  almost  all  Christian  names  are  com 
mon,  and  he  was  .familiar  with  the  motions  which  the 
hand  must  make  in  writing  them  ;  but  there  are  com 
paratively  few  people  who  have  the  same  surnames, 
and  to  determine  them  would  have  been  more  difficult. 
No  fact  was  communicated  that  had  not  been  surrepti 
tiously  gleaned  from  the  investigator. 

An  old  gentleman,  apparently  from  the  country,  one 
day  entered  the  room  of  this  medium  and  expressed  a 
desire  for  a  "  sperit  communication." 

He  was  told  to  take  a  seat  at  the  table,  and  to  write 
the  names  of  his  deceased  relatives.  The  medium,  like 
many  others,  incorrectly  pronounced  the  term  "  de- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  91 

ceased,"  the  same  as  "diseased"  —  sounding  the  s 
like  z. 

The  old  gentleman  carefully  adjusted  his  "  specs " 
and  did  what  was  required  of  him.  A  name  and  rela 
tionship  having  been  selected  from  those  written,  the 
investigator  was  desired  to  examine  and  state  if  they 
referred  to  one  party. 

"  Wai,  I  declare  they  do  !  "  said  he.  "  But  I  say- 
Mister,  what  has  them  papers  to  do  with  a  sperit  com 
munication  ?  ' 

"  You  will  see,,  directly,"  replied  the  medium. 

Whereupon  the  latter  spasmodically  wrote  a  "  com 
munication,"  which  read  somewhat  as  follows  : 

"  MY  DEAR  HUSBAND  :  —  1  am  very  glad  to  be  able  to  address  you 
through  this  channel.  Keep  on  investigating,  and  you  will  soon  be 
convinced  of  the  great  fact  of  spirit-intercourse.  I  am  happy  in  my 
spirit-home  ;  patiently  awaiting  the  time  when  you  will  join  me  here, 
etc.  Your  loving  wife,  BETSEY." 


"  Good  gracious !  But  my  old  woman  can't  be 
dead,"  said  the  investigator,  "  for  I  left  her  tu  hum  !  " 

"  Not  dead  !  "  exclaimed  the  medium.  "  Did  I  not 
tell  you  to  write  the  names  of  deceazed  relatives  ?  " 

"Diseased!"  returned  the  old  man;  "Wai,  she 
ain't  anything  else,  for  she's  had  the  rumatiz  orfully  for 
six  months  !  " 

Saying  which,  he  took  his  hat  and  left,  concluding 
that  it  was  not  worth  while  to  "  keep  on  investigating  " 
any  longer  at  that  time. 

This  same  medium,  not  long  since,  visited  Great 
Britian  for  the  purpose  of  practicing  his  profession 
there. 


92  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

In  one  of  the  cities  of  Scotland,  some  shrewd  inves 
tigator  divined  that  he  was  able  to  nearly  guess  from 
the  motion  of  the  hand  what  questions  were  written. 

"Are  you  happy?"  being  a  question  commonly 
asked  the  "  spirits,"  one  of  these  gentlemen  varied  it  by 
asking  : 

O 

"  Are  you  hungry  ?  " 

The  reply  was,  an  emphatic  affirmative. 

They  tricked  the  trickster  in  other  ways  ;  one  of 
which  was  to  write  the  names  of  mortals  instead  of 
spirits.  It  made  no  difference,  however,  as  to  getting  a 
"  communication." 

To  tip  the  table  without  apparent  muscular  exertion, 
this  impostor  placed  his  hands  on  it  in  such  a  way  that 
the  "  pisiform  bone  "  (which  may  be  felt  projecting  at 
the  lower  corner  of  the  palm,  opposite  the  thumb) 
pressed  against  the  edge.  By  pushing,  the  table  tipped 
from  him,  it  being  prevented  from  sliding  by  little 
spikes  in  the  legs  of  the  side  opposite  the  operator. 

There  are  other  "  ballot-test  mediums,"  as  thev  are 
called,  who  have  a  somewhat  different  method  of  cheat 
ing.  They,  too,  require  investigators  to  write  the 
names  —  in  full,  however — of  their  spirit-friends;  the 
slips  of  paper  containing  the  names,  to  be  folded  and 
placed  on  a  table.  The  medium  then  seizes  one  of  the 
"  ballots,"  and  asks  : 

"  Is  the  spirit  present  whose  name  is  on  this  ?  " 

Dropping  that  and  taking  another : 

"On  this?" 

So  he  handles  all  the  papers  without  getting  a  re 
sponse.  During  this  time,  however,  he  has  dextrously 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  93 

"  palmed  "  one  of  the  ballots,  which  —  while  telling 
the  investigator  to  be  patient,  as  the  spirits  would  doubt 
less  soon  come  —  he  opens  with  his  left  hand,  on  his 
knee,  under  the  edge  of  the  table. 

A  mere  glance  enables  him  to  read  the  name.  Re 
folding  the  paper,  and  retaining  it  in  his  hand,  he  re 
marks  : 

"  I  will  touch  the  ballots  again,  and  perhaps  one  of 
them  will  be  designated  this  time." 

Dropping  among  the  rest  the  one  he  had  "  palmed," 
he  soon  picks  it  up  again,  whereat  three  loud  u  raps  " 
are  heard. 

"  That  paper,"  says  he  to  the  investigator,  "  proba 
bly  contains  the  name  of  the  spirit  who  rapped  ;  please 
hold  it  in  your  hand." 

Then  seizing  a  pencil,  he  wrrites  a  name,  which  the 
investigator  finds  to  be  the  one  contained  in  the  select- 

o 

ed  paper. 

If  the  ballots  are  few  in  number,  a  blank  is  put  with 
the  pile,  when  the  medium  "  palms "  one,  else  the 
latter  might  be  missed. 

It  seems  the  spirits  can  never  give  their  names  with 
out  being  reminded  of  them  by  the  investigator,  and 
then  they  are  so  doubtful  of  their  o\vn  identity  that 
they  have  but  little  to  say  for  themselves. 

One  medium  to  whom  I  have  already  alluded,  after 
a  sojourn  of  several  years  in  California — whither  he 
went  from  Boston,  seeking  whom  he  might  humbug  — 
has  now  returned  to  the  East,  and  is  operating  in  this 
city.  Besides  answering  sealed  letters,  he  furnishes 
written  "  communications  "  to  parties  visiting  him  at 


94  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

his  rooms  —  a  "  sitting,"  however,  being  granted  to 
but  one  person  at  a  time.  His  terms  are  only  five  dol 
lars  an  hour. 

Seated  at  a  table  in  a  part  of  the  room  where  is  the 
most  light,  he  hands  the  investigator  a  strip  of  blank, 
white  paper,  rather  thin  and  light  of  texture,  about  a 
yard  long  and  six  inches  wide,  requesting  him  to  write 
across  one  end  of  it  a  single  question,  addressed  to  a 
spirit-friend,  then  to  sign  his  own  name,  and  fold  the 
paper  once  or  twice  over  what  he  has  written.  For 
instance  : 

"  BROTHER  SAMUEL  :  —  Will  you  communicate  with  me  through  this 
medium?  WILLIAM  FRANKLIN." 

To  learn  what  has  been  written,  the  medium  lays 
the  paper  down  on  the  table,  and  repeatedly  rubs  the 
fingers  of  his  right  hand  over  the  folds  made  by  the 
inquirer.  If  that  does  not  render  the  writing  visible 
through  the  one  thickness  of  paper  that  covers  it,  he 
slightly  raises  the  edge  of  the  folds  with  his  left  hand 
while  he  continues  to  rub  with  his  right  ;  and  that  ad 
mits  of  the  light  shining  through,  so  that  the  writing 
can  be  read.  The  other  party  is  so  situated  that  the 
writing  is  not  visible  to  him  through  the  paper,  and  he 
is  not  likely  to  presume  that  it  is  visible  to  the  medium  ; 
the  latter  having  assigned  as  a  reason  for  his  manipu 
lations  that  spirits  were  able  to  read  the  questions  only 
by  means  of  the  odylic,  magnetic,  or  some  other  ema 
nation  from  the  ends  of  his  fingers  ! 

cT> 

Having  learned  the  question,  of  course  the  medium 
can  reply  to  it,  giving  the  name  of  the  spirit  addressed ; 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  95 

but  before  doing  so,  he  doubles  the  two  folds  made  by 
the  inquirer,  and,  for  a  show  of  consistency,  again  rubs 
his  fingers  over  the  paper.  Then  more  folds  and  more 
rubbing  —  all  the  folding,  additional  to  the  inquirer's, 
being  done  to  keep  the  latter  from  observing,  when  he 
comes  to  read  the  answer,  that  it  was  possible  for  the 
medium  to  read  the  question  through  the  two  folds  of 
paper.  The  answer  is  written  upon  the  same  strip  of 
paper  that  accompanies  the  question. 

The  medium  requires  the  investigator  to  write  his 
questions  each  on  a  different  strip  of  paper  ;  and  before 
answering,  he  every  time  manipulates  the  paper  in  the 
way  I  have  described.  When  rubbing  his  fingers  over 
the  question,  he  often  shuts  the  eye  which  is  toward 
the  inquirer —  which  prevents  suspicion  ;  but  the  other 
eye  is  open  wide  enough  to  enable  him  to  read  the 
question  through  the  paper. 

Should  a  person  write  a  test-question,  the  medium 
could  not  answer  it  correctly  even  if  he  did  see  it.  In 
his  "  communications  "  he  uses  many  terms  of  endear 
ment,  and  if  possible  flatters  the  recipient  out  of  his 
common-sense,  and  into  the  belief  that  "  after  all  there 
may  be  something  in  it !  " 

Should  the  inquirer  tc  smell  a  rat,"  and  take  meas 
ures  to  prevent  the  medium  from  learning,  in  the  way 
I  have  stated,  what  question  is  written,  he  (the  medium) 
gets  nervous  and  discontinues  the  "  sitting,"  alleging 
that  conditions  are  unfavorable  for  spirit-communication. 


96  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

SPIRITUAL  "LETTERS  ON  THE  ARM." — HOW  TO  MAKE 

THEM     YOURSELF. THE    TAMBOURINE    AND    RING 

FEATS. —  DEXTER'S    DANCING    HATP,  —  PHOSPHORES 
CENT  OIL. SOME  SPIRITUAL  SLANG.  ' 

The  mediums  produce  "  blood-red  letters  on  the 
arm  "  in  a  very  simple  way.  It  is  done  with  a  pencil, 
or  some  blunt-pointed  instrument,  it  being  necessary  to 
bear  on  hard  while  the  movement  of  writing  is  being 
executed.  The  pressure,  though  not  sufficient  to 
abrade  the  skin,  forces  the  blood  from  the  capillary 
vessels  over  which  the  pencil  passes,  and  where,  when 
the  reaction  takes  place,  an  unusual  quantity  of  blood 
gathers  and  becomes  plainlv  visible  throuo-h  the  cuticle. 

C5  1  «/  ?!? 

Gradually,  as  an  equilibrium  of  the  circulation  is  re 
stored,  the  letters  pass  away. 

This  "  manipulation  "  is  generally  produced  by  the 
medium  in  connection  with  the  ballot-test.  Having 
learned  the  name  of  an  investigator's  spirit-friend,  in 
the  manner  stated  in  a  previous  article,  the  investiga 
tor  is  set  to  writing  some  other  names.  While  he  is 
thus  occupied,  the  medium  quickly  slips  up  his  sleeve 
under  the  table,  and  writes  on  his  arm  the  name  he  has 
learned. 

Try  the  experiment  yourself,  reader.  Hold  out  your 
left  arm  ;  clench  the  fist  so  as  to  harden  the  muscle  a 
little,  and  write  your  name  on  the  skin  with  a  blunt 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  97 

pencil  or  any  similar  point,  in  letters  say  three-quarters 
of  an  inch  long,  pressing  firmly  enough  to  feel  a  little 
pain.  Rub  the  place  briskly  a  dozen  times  ;  this  brings 
out  the  letters  quickly,  in  tolerably-distinct  red  lines. 

On  thick,  tough  skins  it  is  difficult  to  produce  letters 
in  this  way.  They  might  also  be  outlined  more  deeply 
by  sharply  pricking  in  dots  along  the  lines  of  the  de 
sired  letters. 

Among  others  who  seek  to  gain  money  and  notoriety 
by  the  exercise  of  their  talents  for  "  spiritual  "  hum- 
buggery,  is  a  certain  woman,  whom  I  will  not  further 
designate,  but  whose  name  is  at  the  service  of  any 
proper  person,  and  who  exhibited  not  long  since  in 
Brooklyn  and  New  York.  This  woman  is  accompa 
nied  by  her  husband,  who  is  a  confederate  in  the  play 
ing  of  her  "  little  game." 

She  seats  herself  at  a  table,  which  has  been  placed 
against  the  wall  of  the  room.  The  audience  is  so  seat 
ed  as  to  form  a  semicircle,  at  one  end  of  which,  and  near 
enough  to  the  medium  to  be  able  to  shake  hands  with 
her,  or  nearly  so,  sits  her  husband,  with  perhaps  an 
accommodating  spiritualist  next  to  him.  Then  the  me 
dium,  in  an  assumed  voice,  engages  in  a  miscellaneous 

*  "  O     O 

talk,  ending  with  a  request  that  some  one  sit  by  her 
and  hold  her  hand. 

A  skeptic  is  permitted  to  do  that.  When  thus 
placed,  skeptic  is  directly  between  the  medium  and  her 
husband,  and  with  his  back  to  the  latter.  The  hus 
band  plays  spirit,  and  with  his  right  hand  —  which  is 
free,  the  other  only  being  held  by  the  accommodating 
spiritualist  —  pats  the  investigator  on  the  head,  thumps 
5 


98  HUMBUGS   OF   THE   WORLD. 

him  with  a  guitar  and  other   instruments,  and   may  be 
pulls  his  hair. 

The  medium  assumes  all  this  to  be  done  by  a  spirit, 
because  her  hands  are  held  and  she  could  not  do  it ! 
Profound  reasoning !  If  any  one  suggests  that  the 
husband  had  better  sit  somewhere  else,  the  medium 
Avill  not  hear  to  it  —  "  he  is  a  part  of  the  battery,"  and 
the  necessary  conditions  must  not  be  interfered  with. 
Sure  enough  !  Accommodating  spiritualist  also  says 
he  holds  husband  fast. 

A  tambourine-frame,  without  the  head,  and  an  iron 
ring,  large  enough  to  pass  over  one's  arm,  are  exhibited 
to  the  audience.  Medium  says  the  spirits  have  such 
power  over  matter  as  to  be  able  to  put  one  or  both 
those  things  on  to  her  arm  while  some  one  holds  her 
hands. 

The  party  who  is  privileged  to  hold  her  hands  on 
such  occasion,  has  to  grope  his  way  to  her  in  the  dark. 
Having  reached  her,  she  seizes  his  hands,  and  passes 
one  of  them  down  her  neck  and  along  her  arm,  saying: 

"  Now  you  know  there  is  no  ring  already  there  !  " 

Soon  after  he  feels  the  tambourine-frame  or  ring 
slide  over  his  hand  and  on  to  his  arm.  A  light  is  pro 
duced  in  order  that  he  may  see  it  is  there. 

When  he  took  her  hands  he  felt  the  frame  or  ring  — 
or  at  any  rate,  a  frame  or  ring  —  under  his  elbow  on 
the  table,  from  which  place  it  was  pulled  by  some  pow 
er  just  before  it  went  on  to  his  arm.  Such  is  his  re 
port  to  the  audience.  But  in  fact,  the  medium  has  two 
frames,  or  else  a  tambourine,  and  a  tambourine-frame. 
She  allows  the  investigator  to  feel  one  of  these. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  b)y 

She  has,  however,  previous  to  his  taking  her  hands, 
put  one  arm  and  head  through  the  frame  she  uses  ;  so 
that  of  course  he  does  not  feel  it  when  she  passes  his 
hand  down  one  side  of  her  neck  and  over  one  of  her 
arms,  as  it  is  under  that  arm.  Her  husband  pulls  the 
tambourine  from  under  the  investigator's  elbow  ;  then 
the  medium  o-etc  her  head  back  through  the  frame, 

O  O 

leaving  it  on  her  arm,  or  sliding  it  on  to  his,  and  the 
work  is  done  ! 

She  has  also  two  iron  rings.  One  of  them  she  puts 
over  her  arm  and  the  point  of  her  shoulder,  where  it 
snugly  remains,  covered  with  a  cape  which  she  persists 
in  wearing  on  these  occasions,  till  the  investigator  takes 
her  hands  (in  the  dark)  and  feels  the  other  ring  under 
his  elbows  ;  then  the  husband  disposes  of  the  ring  on 
the  table,  and  the  medium  works  the  other  one  down 
on  to  her  arm.  The  audience  saw  but  one  ring,  and 
the  person  sitting  with  the  medium  thought  he  had 
that  under  his  elbow  till  it  was  pulled  away  and  put  on 
the  arm  ! 

Some  years  ago,  a  man  by  the  name  of  Dexter,  who 
kept  an  oyster  and  liquor  saloon  on  Bleecker  street,  de 
vised  a  somewhat  novel  exhibition  for  the  purpose  of 
attracting  custom.  A  number  of  hats,  placed  on  the 
floor  of  his  saloon,  danced  (or  bobbed  up  and  down) 
in  time  to  music.  His  place  was  visited  by  a  number 
of  the  leading  spiritualists  of  New  York,  several  of 
whom  were  heard  to  express  a  belief  that  the  hats  were 
moved  by  spirits  !  Dexter,  however,  did  not  claim  to 
be  a  medium,  though  he  talked  vaguely  of  "  the  power 
of  electricity,"  when  questioned  with  regard  to  his  ex- 


100  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

hibition.  Besides  making  the  hats  dance,  he  would 
(apparently)  cause  a  violin  placed  in  a  box  on  the  floor 
to  sound,  by  waving  his  hands  over  it. 

Tiie  hats  were  moved  by  a  somewhat  complicated 
arrangement  of  wires,  worked  by  a  confederate,  out  of 
sight.  These  wires  were  attached  to  levers,  and  finally 
came  up  through  the  floor,  through  small  holes  hidden 
from  observation  by  the  sawdust  strewn  there,  as  is 
common  in  such  places. 

The  violin  in  the  box  did  not  sound  at  all.  It  was 
another  violin,  under  the  floor,  that  was  heard.  It  is 
not  easy  for  a  person  to  exactly  locate  a  sound  when 
the  cause  is  not  apparent.  In  short,  Mr.  Dexter's 
operations  may  be  described  as  only  consisting  of  a 
little  well-managed  Dexterity  ! 

A  young  man  "  out  West,"  claiming  to  be  influenced 
by  spirits,  astonished  people  by  reading  names,  telling 
time  by  watches,  etc.,  in  a  dark  room.  He  sat  at  a 
centre-table,  which  was  covered  with  a  cloth,  in  the 
middle  of  the  room.  Investigators  sat  next  the  walls. 
The  name  of  a  spirit,  for  instance,  would  be  written 
and  laid  on  a  table,  when  in  a  short  time  he  pronounced 
it.  To  tell  the  time  by  a  watch,  he  required  it  to  be 
placed  on  the  table,  or  in  his  hand.  With  the  table 
cloth  over  his  head,  a  bottle  of  phosphorated  oil  en 
abled  him  to  see,  when  not  the  least  glimmer  of  light 
was  visible  to  others  in  the  room. 

If  any  of  the  "  spiritualist  "  philosophers  were  to  be 
asked  what  is  the  philosophy  of  these  proceedings,  he 
would  probably  reply  with  a  mess  of  balderdash  pretty 
much  like  the  following : 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  101 

"  There  is  an  infinitesimal  influence  of  sympathy 
between  mind  and  matter,  which  permeates  all  beings, 
and  pervades  all  the  delicate  niches  and  interstices  of 
human  intelligence.  This  sympathetic  influence  work 
ing  upon  the  affined  intelligence  of  an  affinity,  coagu 
lates  itself  into  a  corporiety,  approximating  closely  to 
the  adumbration  of  mortality  in  its  highest  admensu- 
ration,  at  last  accumulating  in  an  accumination." 

On  these  great  philosophic  principles  it  will  not  be 
difficult  to  comprehend  the  following  actual  quotation 
from  the  Spiritual  Telegraph : 

"  In  the  twelfth  hour,  the  holy  procedure  shall  crown 
the  Triune  Creator  with  the  most  perfect  disclosive 
illumination.  Then  shall  the  creation  in  the  effulgence 
above  the  divine  seraphemal,  arise  into  the  dome  of  the 
disclosure  in  one  comprehensive  revolving  galaxy  of 
supreme  created  beatitudes." 

That  those  not  surcharged  with  the  divine  afflatus 

O 

may  be  able  to  get  at  the  meaning  of  the  above  para 
graph,  it  is  translated  thus  : 

"  Then  shall  all  the  blockheads  in  the  iiincora- 
poopdome  of  disclosive  procedure  above  the  all-fired 
leather-fungus  of  Peter  Nephninnygo, .  the  gooseberry 
grinder,  rise  into  the  dome  of  the  disclosure  until  co- 
equaled  and  coexistensive  and  conglomerate  lumuxes  in 
one  comprehensive  rnux  shall  assimilate  into  nothing, 
and  revolve  like  a  bob-tailed  pussy  cat  after  the  space 
where  the  tail  was." 

What  power  there  is  in  spiritualism  ! 

I  shall  be  glad  to  receive,  for  publication,  authentic 
information,  from  all  parts  of  the  world  in  regard  to 


102 


HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


the  doings  of  pretended    spiritualists,  especially    those 
who  perform  for  money.     It  is  high  time  that  the  cred 
ulous  portion   of  our  community  should  be  saved  from 
the  deceptions,  delusions,  and  swindles  of   these  bias 
phemous  mountebanks  and  impostors. 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

DEMONSTRATIONS    BY     "  SAMPSON  "     UNDER    A    TABLE. 

A    MEDIUM    WHO    IS    HANDY     WITH     HER     FEET. EX 
POSE    OF    ANOTHER    OPERATOR    IN    DARK    CIRCLES. 

Considerable  excitement  has  been  created  in  various 
parts  of  the  West  by  a  young  woman,  whose  name  need 
not  here  be  given,  who  pretends  to  be  a  "  medium  for 
physical  manifestations."  She  is  rather  tall  and  quite 
muscular,  her  general  manner  and  expression  indicating 
innocence  and  simplicity. 

The  "  manifestations"  exhibited  by  her  purport  to  be 
produced  by  Samson,  the  Hebrew  champion  and  anti- 
philistine. 

In  preparing  for  her  exhibition,  she  has  a  table 
placed  sideways  against  the  wall  of  the  room,  and  cov 
ered  with  a  thick  blanket  that  reaches  to  the  floor.  A 
large  tin  dish  pan,  with  handles  (or  -ears,)  a  German 
accordeon,  and  a  tea-bell  are  placed  under  the  table, 
at  the  end  of  which  she  seats  herself  in  such  a  way 
that  her  body  is  against  the  top,  and  her  lower  limbs 
underneath,  her  skirts  being  so  adjusted  as  to  fill  the 
space  between  the  end  legs  of  the  table,  and  at  the 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  103 

same  time  allow  free  play  for  her  pedal  extremities. 
The  blanket,  at  the  end  where  she  sits,  comes  to  her 
waist  and  hangs  down  to  the  floor  on  each  side  of  her 
chair.  The  space  under  the  table  is  thus  made  dark  — 
a  necessary  condition,  it  is  claimed  —  and  all  therein 
concealed  from  view.  The  "  medium  "  then  folds  her 
arms,  looks  careless,  and  the  "  manifestations  "  com 
mence.  The  accordeon  is  sounded,  no  music  being  exe 
cuted  upon  it,  and  the  bell  rung  at  the  same  time.  Then 
the  dishpan  receives  such  treatment  that  it  makes  a  ter 
rible  noise.  Some  one  is  requested  to  go  to  the  end  of  the 
table  opposite  the  "  medium,"  put  his  hand  under  the 
blanket,  take  hold  of  the  dishpan,  and  pull.  He  does  so, 
and  finds  that  some  power  is  opposing  him,  holding  the 
dishpan  to  one  place.  Not  being  rude,  he  forbears  to 
jerk  with  all  his  force,  but  retires  to  his  seat.  The 
table  rises  several  inches  and  comes  down  "  kerslap," 
then  it  tips  forward  a  number  of  times ;  then  one  end 
jumps  up  and  down  in  time  to  music,  if  there  is  any 
one  present  to  play ;  loud  raps  are  heard  upon  it,  and 
the  hypothetical  Samson  has  quite  a  lively  time  gener 
ally.  Some  of  the  mortals  present,  one  at  a  time,  put 
their  fingers,  by  request,  against  the  blankets,  through 
which  those  members  are  gingerly  squeezed  by  what 
might  be  a  hand,  if  there  was  one  under  the  table.  A 
person  being  told  to  take  hold  of  the  top  of  the  table 
at  the  ends,  he  does  so,  and  finds  it  so  heavy  that  he 
can  barely  lift  it.  Setting  it  down,  he  is  told  to  raise 
it  again  several  inches  ;  and  at  the  second  lifting  it  is 
no  heavier  than  one  would  naturally  judge  such  a  piece 
of  furniture  to  be.  Another  person  is  asked  to  lift  the 


104  HUMBUGS  OF  THE  WORLD. 

end  furthest  from  the  medium  ;  having  done  so,  it  sud 
denly  becomes  quite  weighty,  and,  relaxing  his  hold,  it 
comes  down  with  much  force  upon  the  floor.  Thus, 
by  the  power  —  exercised  beneath  the  table  —  of  an 
assumed  spirit,  that  piece  of  cabinet-ware  becomes  heavy 
or  light,  and  is  moved  in  various  ways,  the  medium  not 
appearing  to  do  it. 

In  addition  to  her  other  "  fixins,"  this  medium  has  a 
spirit-dial,  so  called,  on  which  are  letters  of  the  alpha 
bet,  the  numerals,  and  such  words  as  "  Yes,"  "  No," 
and  "  Don't  know."  The  whole  thing  is  so  arranged 
that  the  pulling  of  a  string  makes  an  index  hand  go 
the  circuit  of  the  dial-face,  and  it  can  be  made  to  stop 
at  any  of  the  characters  or  words  thereon.  This 
"  spirit-dial  "  is  placed  on  the  table,  near  the  end  fur 
thest  from  the  medium,  the  string  passing  through  a 
hole  and  hanging  beneath.  In  the  end  of  the  string 
there  is  a  knot.  While  the  medium  remains  in  the 
same  position  in  which  she  sat  when  the  other  u  mani 
festations  "  were  produced,  communications  are  spelled 
out  through  the  dial,  the  index  being  moved  by  some 
power  under  the  table  that  pulls  the  string.  A  coil- 
spring  makes  the  index  fly  back  to  the  starting-point, 
when  the  power  is  relaxed  at  each  indication  of  a  char 
acter  or  word.  The  orthography  of  these  "  spirits  "  is 
"  bad  if  not  worse." 

Now  for  an  explanation  of  the  various  "  manifesta 
tions  "  that  I  have  enumerated. 

The  medium  is  simply  handy  with  her  feet.  To 
sound  the  accordeon  and  ring  the  bell  at  the  same  time, 
she  has  to  take  off  one  of  her  shoes  or  slippers,  the 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  105 

latter  being  generally  worn  by  her  on  these  occasions. 
That  done,  she  gets  the  handle  of  the  tea-bell  between 
the  toes  of  her  right  foot,  through  a  hole  in  the  stock 
ing,  then  putting  the  heel  of  the  same  foot  on  the  keys 
of  the  accordeon,  ahd  the  other  foot  into  the  strap  on 
the  bellows  part  of  that  instrument,  she  easily  sounds 
it,  the  motion  necessary  to  do  this  also  causing  the  bell 
to  ring.  She  can  readily  pass  her  heels  over  the  keys 
to  produce  different  notes.  She  is  thus  able  to  make 
sounds  on  the  accordeon  that  approximate  to  the  very 
simple  tune  of  "  Bounding  Billows,"  and  that  is  the 
extent  of  her  musical  ability  when  only  using  her 
"  pedals." 

To  get  a  congress-gaiter  off  the  foot  without  using 
the  hands  is  quite  easy  ;  but  how  to  get  one  on  again, 
those  members  not  being  employed  to  do  it,  would  puz 
zle  most  people.  It  is  not  difficult  to  do,  however,  if  a 
cord  has  been  attached  to  the  strap  of  the  gaiter  and  tied 
to  the  leg  above  the  calf.  The  cord  should  be  slack,  and 
that  will  admit  of  the  gaiter  coming  off.  To  get  it  on, 
the  toe  has  to  be  worked  into  the  top  of  it,  and  then 
pulling  on  the  cord  with  the  toe  of  the  other  foot  will 
accomplish  the  rest. 

The  racket  with  the  dishpan  is  made  by  putting  the 
toe  of  the  foot  into  one  of  the  handles  or  ears,  and 
beating  the  pan  about.  By  keeping  the  toe  in  this 
handle  and  putting  the  other  foot  into  the  pan,  the  ope 
rator  can  "  stand  a  pull  "  from  an  investigator,  who 
reaches  under  the  blanket  and  takes  hold  of  the  other 
handle. 

To  raise  the  table,  the   "  medium  "   puts  her  knees 
5* 


106  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

under  and  against  the  frame  of  it,  then  lifts  her  heels, 
pressing  the  toes  against  the  floor,  at  the  same  time 
bearin^  with  her  arms  on  the  end.  To  make  the  table 

?"} 

tip  forward,  one  knee  only  is  pressed  against  the  frame 
at  the  back  side.  The  raps  are  made  with  the  toe  of 
the  medium's  shoe  against  the  leg,  frame,  or  top  of  the 
table. 

What  feels  like  a  hand  pressing  the  investigator's 
fingers  when  he  pats  them  against  the  blanket,  is  noth 
ing  more  than  the  medium's  feet,  the  big  toe  of  one 
foot  doing  duty  for  a  thumb,  and  all  the  toes  of  the 
other  foot  being  used  to  imitate  fingers.  The  pressure 
of  these,  through  a  thick  blanket,  cannot  well  be  dis 
tinguished  from  that  of  a  hand.  When  this  experi 
ment  is  to  be  made,  the  medium  wears  slippers  that  she 
can  readily  get  off  her  feet. 

To  make  the  table  heavy,  the  operator  presses  her 
knees  outwardly  against  the  legs  of  the  table,  and  then 
presses  down  in  opposition  to  the  party  who  is  lifting, 
or  she  presses  her  knees  against  that  surface  of  the  legs 
of  the  table  that  is  toward  her,  while  her  feet  are 
hooked  around  the  lower  part  of  the  legs  ;  that  gives 
her  a  leverage,  b}r  means  of  which  she  can  make  the 
whole  table  or  the  end  furthest  from  her  seem  quite 
heavy,  and  if  the  person  lifting  it  suddenly  relaxes  his 
hold,  it  will  come  down  with  a  forcible  bang  to  the 
floor. 

To  work  the  "  spirit-dial,"  the  medium  has  only  to 
press  the  string  with  the  toe  of  her  foot  against  the  top 
of  the  table,  and  slide  it  (the  string)  along  till  the  in 
dex  points  at  the  letter  or  word  she  wishes  to  indicate. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  107 

The  frame  of  the  dial  is  beveled,  the  face  declining 
toward  the  medium,  so  that  she  has  no  difficulty  in 
observing  where  the  index  points. 

After  concluding  her  performances  under  the  table,  this 
medium  sometimes  moves  her  chair  about  two  feet  back 
and  sits  with  her  side  toward  the  end  of  the  table,  with 
one  leg  of  which,  however,  the  skirt  of  her  dress  comes 
in  contact.  Under  cover  of  the  skirt  she  then  hooks 
her  foot  around  the  leg  of  the  table  and  draws  it  to 
ward  her.  This  is  done  without  apparent  muscular  ex 
ertion,  while  she  is  engaged  in  conversation  ;  and  par 
ties  present  are  humbugged  into  the  belief  that  the  ta 
ble  was  moved  without  "  mortal  contact  "  —  so  they 
report  to  outsiders. 

This  medium  has  a  "  manager,"  and  he  does  his  best 
in  managing  the  matter,  to  prevent  "  Samson  being 
caught  "  in  the  act  of  cheating.  The  medium,  too,  is 
vigilant,  notwithstanding  her  appearance  of  careless 
ness  and  innocent  simplicity.  A  sudden  rising  of  the 
blanket  once  exposed  to  view  her  pedal  extremities  in 
active  operation. 

Another  of  the  "  Dark  Circle  "  mediums  gets  a  good 
deal  of  sympathy  on  account  of  her  "  delicate  health." 
Her  health  is  not  so  delicate,  however,  as  to  prevent 
her  from  laboring  hard  to  humbug  people  with  "  physical 
demonstrations."  She  operates  only  in  private,  in  pres 
ence  of  a  limited  number  of  people. 

A  circle  being  formed,  the  hands  of  all  the  members 
are  joined  except  at  one  place  where  a  table  intervenes. 
Those  sitting  next  to  this  table  place  a  hand  upon  it, 
the  other  hand  of  each  of  these  parties  being  joined 


108  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

with  the  circle.  The  medium  takes  a  position  close  bv 
the  table,  and  during  the  manifestations  is  supposed  to 
momentarily  touch  with  her  two  hands  the  hands  of 
those  parties  sitting  next  to  the  table.  Of  course,  she 
could  accomplish  little  or  nothing  if  she  allowed  her 
hands  to  be  constantly  held  by  investigators ;  so  she  hit 
upon  the  plan  mentioned  above,  to  make  the  people 
present  believe  that  the  musical  instruments  are  not 
sounded  by  her.  These  instruments  are  within  her 
reach ;  and  instead  of  touching  the  hands  of  those  next 
the  table  with  both  her  hands,  as  supposed,  she  touches, 
alternately,  their  hands  with  but  one  of  hers,  the  other 
she  expertly  uses  in  sounding  the  instruments. 

Several  years  ago,  at  one  of  the  circles  of  this  medi 
um,  in  St.  John's,  Mich.,  a  light  was  suddenly  intro 
duced,  and  she  was  seen  in  the  act  of  doing  what  she 
had  asserted  to  be  done  by  the  "  spirits."  She  has  also 
been  exposed  as  an  impostor  in  other  places. 

As  I  have  said  before,  the  mediums  always  insist  on 
having  such  "  conditions  "  as  will  best  enable  them  to 
deceive  the  senses  and  mislead  the  judgment. 

If  there  were  a  few  more  "  detectives  "  like  Doctor 
Von  Vleck,  the  whole  mediumistic  fraternity  would 
soon  "  come  to  grief." 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  100 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

SPIRITUAL     PHOTOGRAPHING. COLORADO     JEWETT     AND 

THE  SPIRIT-PHOTOGRAPHS  OF  GENERAL  JACKSON, 
HENRY  CLAY,  DANIEL  WEBSTER,  STEPHEN  A.  DOUG 
LAS,  NAPOLEON  BONAPARTE,  ETC. A  LADY  OF  DIS 
TINCTION  SEEKS  AND  FINDS  A  SPIRITUAL  PHOTOGRAPH 
OF  HER  DECEASED  INFANT,  AND  HER  DEAD  BRO 
THER  WHO  WAS  YET  ALIVE. HOW  IT  WAS  DONE. 

In  answer  to  numerous  inquiries  and  several  threats 
of  prosecution  for  libel  in  consequence  of  what  I  have 
written  in  regard  to  impostors  who  (for  money)  per 
form  tricks  of  legerdemain  and  attribute  them  to  the 
spirits  of  deceased  persons,  I  have  only  to  say,  I  have 
no  malice  or  antipathies  to  gratify  in  these  expositions. 
In  undertaking  to  show  up  the  "  Ancient  and  Modern 
Humbugs  of  the  World,"  I  am  determined  so  far  as  in 
me  lies,  to  publish  nothing  but  the  truth.  This  I  shall 
do,  "  with  good  motives  and  for  justifiable  ends,"  and  I 
shall  do  it  fearlessly  and  conscientiously.  No  threats 
will  intimidate,  no  fawnings  will  flatter  me  from  pub 
lishing  everything  that  is  true  which  I  think  will  con 
tribute  to  the  information  or  to  the  amusement  of  my 
readers. 

Some  correspondents  ask  me  if  I  believe  that  all  pre- 


110  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

tentions  to  intercourse  with  departed  spirits  are  imposi 
tions.  I  reply,  that  if  people  declare  that  they  pri 
vately  communicate  with  or  are  influenced  to  write  or 
speak  by  invisible  spirits,  I  cannot  prove  that  they  are 
deceived  or  are  attempting  to  deceive  me  —  although  I 
believe  that  one  or  the  other  of  these  propositions  is 
true.  But  when  they  pretend  to  give  me  communica 
tions  from  departed  spirits,  to  tie  or  untie  ropes  —  to 
read  sealed  letters, 'or  to  answer  test-questions  through 
spiritual  agencies,  I  pronounce  all  such  pretensions  ri 
diculous  impositions,  and  I  stand  ready  at  any  time  to 
prove  them  so,  or  to  forfeit  five  hundred  dollars,  when 
ever  these  pretended  mediums  will  succeed  in  produc 
ing  their  "  wonderful  manifestations  "  in  a  room  of  my 
selecting,  and  with  apparatus  of  my  providing  ;  they 
not  being  permitted  to  handle  the  sealed  letters  or  fold 
ed  ballots  which  they  are  to  answer,  nor  to  make  con 
ditions  in  regard  to  the  manner  of  rope  tying,  etc.  If 
they  can  answer  my  test-questions  relevantly  and  truly, 
without  touching  the  envelopes  in  which  they  are 
sealed  —  or  even  when  given  to  them  by  my  word  of 
mouth,  I  will  hand  over  the  $500.  If  they  can  cause 
invisible  agencies  to  perform  in  open  daylight  many  of 
the  things  which  they  pretend  to  accomplish  by  spirits 
in  the  dark,  I  will  promptly  pay  $500  for  the  sight. 
In  the  mean  time,  I  think  I  can  reasonably  account  for 
and  explain  all  pretended  spiritual  gymnastic  perform 
ances  —  throwings  of  hair-brushes  —  dancing  pianos  — 
spirit-rapping  —  table-tipping  —  playing  of  musical  in 
struments,  and  flying  through  the  air  (in  the  dark,) 
and  a  thousand  other  "  wonderful  manifestations " 


THE   SPIRITUALISTS.  Ill 

which,  like  most  of  the  performances  of  modern  "  ma 
gicians,"  are  "  passing  strange  "  until  explained,  and 
then  they  are  as  flat  as  dish-water.  Dr.  Von  Vleck 
publicly  produces  all  of  these  pretended  "  manifesta 
tions  "  in  open  dayl.ght,  without  claiming  spiritual  aid. 
Among  the  number  of  humbugs  that  owe  their  ex 
istence  to  various  combinations  of  circumstances  and 
the  extreme  gullibility  of  the  human  race,  the  following 
was  related  to  me  by  a  gentleman  whose  position  and 
character  warrant  me  in  announcing  that  it  may  be  im 
plicitly  relied  upon  as  correct  in  every  particular. 

Some  time  before  the  Presidental  election-,  a  photo 
grapher  residing  in  one  of  our  cities  (an  ingenious  man 
and  a  scientific  chemist,)  was  engaged  in  making  ex 
periments  with  his  camera,  hoping  to  discover  some 
new  combination  whereby  to  increase  the  facility  of 
"  picturing  the  human  form  divine,"  etc.  One  morn 
ing,  his  apparatus  being  in  excellent  order,  he  deter 
mined  to  photograph  himself.  No  sooner  thought  of, 
than  he  set  about  making  his  arrangements.  All  being 
ready,  he  placed  himself  in  a  position,  remained  a  sec 
ond  or  two,  and  then  instantly  closing  his  camera,  sur 
veyed  the  result  of  his  operation.  On  bringing  the 
picture  out  upon  the  plate,  he  was  surprised  to  find  a 
shadowy  representation  of  a  human  being,  so  remarka 
bly  ghostlike  and  supernatural,  that  he  became  amused 
at  the  discovery  he  had  made.  The  operation  was  re 
peated,  until  he  could  produce  similar  pictures  by  a 
suitable  arrangement  of  his  lenses  and  reflectors  known 
to  no  other  than  himself.  About  this  time  he  became 
acquainted  with  one  of  the  most  famous  spiritualist- 


112  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

writers,  and  in  conversation  with  him,  showed  him  con 
fidentially  one  of  those  photographs,  with  also  the 
shadow  of  another  person,  with  the  remark,  mysteri 
ously  whispered  : 

"  I  assure  you,  Sir,  upon  my  word  as  a  gentleman, 
and  by  all  my  hopes  of  a  hereafter,  that  this  picture 
was  produced  upon  the  plate  as  you  see  it,  at  a  time 
when  I  had  locked  myself  in  my  gallery,  and  no  other 
person  was  in  the  room.  It  appeared  instantly,  as  you 
see  it  there  ;  and  I  have  long  wished  to  obtain  the 
opinion  of  some  man,  like  yourself,  who  has  investiga 
ted  these  mysteries." 

The  spiritualist  listened  attentively,  looked  upon  the 
picture,  heard  other  explanations,  examined  other  pic 
tures,  and  sagely  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that  the  inhabit 
ants  of  the  unknown  sphere  had  taken  this  mode  of 
re-appearing  to  the  view  of  mortal  eyes,  that  this  ope 
rator  must  be  a  "  medium  "  of  especial  power.  The 
New  York  Herald  of  Progress,  a  spiritualist  paper, 
printed  the  first  article  upon  this  man's  spiritual 
photograph. 

The  acquaintance  thus  begun  was  continued,  and  the 
photographer  found  it  very  profitable  to  oblige  his  spir 
itual  friend,  by  the  reproduction  of  'ghost-like  pictures, 
ad  infinitum,  at  the  rate  of  five  dollars  each.  Mothers 
came  to  the  room  of  the  artist,  and  gratefully  retired  with 
ghostly  representations  of  departed  little  ones.  Wid 
ows  came  to  purchase  the  shades  of  their  departed  hus 
bands.  Husbands  visited  the  photographer  and  pro 
cured  the  spectral  pictures  of  their  dead  wives.  Parents 
wanted  the  phantom-portraits  of  their  deceased  child- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  113 

ren.  Friends  wished  to  look  upon  what  they  believed 
to  be  the  lineaments  of  those  who  had  long  since  gone 
to  the  spirit-land.  All  who  sought  to  look  on  those 
pictures  were  satish'ed  with  what  had  been  shown  them, 
and,  by  conversation  on  the  subject,  increased  the  num 
ber  of  visitors.  In  short,  every  person  who  heard 
about  this  mystery  determined  to  verify  the  wonderful 
tales  related,  by  looking  upon  the  ghostly  lineaments  of 
some  person,  who,  they  believed,  inhabited  another 
sphere.  And  here  I  may  as  well  mention  that  one  of 
the  faithful  obtained  a  "  spirit  "  picture  of  a  deceased 
brother  who  had  been  dead  more  than  five  years,  and 
said  that  he  recognized  also  the  very  pattern  of  his  cra 
vat  as  the  same  that  he  wore  in  life.  Can  human  cre 
dulity  go  further  than  to  suppose  that  the  departed  still 
appear  in  the  old  clo'  of  their  earthly  wardrobe?  and 
the  fact  that  the  appearance  of  "  the  shade  "  of  a  young 
lady  in  one  of  the  fashionable  cut  Zouave  jackets  of 
the  hour  did  not  disturb  the  faith  of  the  believers,  fills 
us  indeed  with  wonder. 

The  fame  of  the  photographer  spread  throughout  the 
"  spiritual  circles,"  and  pilgrims  to  this  spiritual  Mecca 
came  from  remote  parts  of  the  land,  and  before  many 
months,  caused  no  little  excitement  among  some  per 
sons,  inclined  to  believe  that  the  demonstrations  were 
entirely  produced  by  human  agency. 

The  demand  for  u  spirit  "  pictures  consequently  in 
creased,  until  the  operator  was  forced  to  raise  his  price 
to  ten  dollars,  whenever  successful  in  obtaining  a  true 
"  spirit-picture,"  or  to  be  overwhelmed  with  business 
that  now  interfered  with  his  regular  labors. 


114  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

About  this  time  the  famous  "  Peace  Conference " 
had  been  concluded  by  the  issue  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  cele 
brated  letter,  "  To  whom  it  may  concern,"  and  Wil 
liam  Cornell  Jewett  (with  his  head  full  of  projects  for 
restoring  peace  to  a  suffering  country)  heard  about  the 
mysterious  photographer,  and  visited  the  operator. 

"  Sir,"  said  he,  "  I  must  consult  with  the  spirits  of 
distinguished  statesmen.  We  need  their  counsel.  This 
cruel  war  must  stop.  Brethren  slaying  brethren,  it  is 
horrible,  Sir.  Can  you  show  me  John  Adams  ?  Can 
you  show  me  Daniel  Webster  ?  Let  me  look  upon  the 
features  of  Andrew  Jackson.  I  must  see  that  noble, 
glorious,  wise  old  statesman,  Henry  Clay,  whom  I  knew. 
Could  you  reproduce  Stephen  A.  Douglas,  with  whom 
to  counsel  at  this  crisis  in  our  national  affairs  !  I  should 
like  to  meet  the  great  Napoleon.  Such,  here  obtained, 
would  increase  my  influence  in  the  political  work  that 
I  have  in  hand." 

In  his  own  nervous,  impetuous,  excited  way,  Colorado 
Jewett  continued  to  urge  upon  the  photographer  the 
great  importance  of  receiving  such  communications,  or 
some  evidence  that  the  spirits  of  our  deceased  states 
men  were  watching  over  and  counseling  those  who  de 
sire  to  re-unite  the  two  opposing  forces,  fighting  against 
each  other  on  the  soil  of  a  common  country. 

With  much  caution,  the  photographer  answered  the 
questions  presented.  Arranging  the  camera,  he  pro 
duced  some  indistinct  figures,  and  then  concluded  that 
the  "  conditions  "  were  not  sufficiently  favorable  to  at 
tempt  anything  more  before  the  next  day.  On  the  fol 
lowing  morning,  Jewett  appeared  —  nervous,  garru- 


THE   SPIRITUALISTS.  115 

Ions,  and  excited  at  the  prospect  of  being  in  the  pres 
ence  of  those  great  men,  whose  spirits  he  desired  to 
invoke.  The  apparatus  was  prepared  ;  utter  silence 
imposed,  and  for  some  time  the  heart  of  the  peace- 
seeker  could  almost  be  heard  thumping  within  the 
breast  of  him  who  sought  supernatural  aid,  in  his  ef 
forts  to  end  our  cruel  civil  war.  Then,  overcome  by 
his  own  thoughts,  Jewett  disturbed  the  "  conditions  " 
by  changing  his  position,  and  muttering  short  invoca 
tions,  adressed  to  the  shades  of  those  he  wished  to  be 
hold.  The  operator  finally  declared  he  could  not  pro 
ceed,  and  postponed  his  performance  for  that  day.  So, 
excuses  were  made,  until  the  mental  condition  of  Mr. 
Jewett  had  reached  that  state  which  permitted  the  pho 
tographer  to  expect  the  most  complete  success  Every 
thing  being  prepared,  Jewett  breathlessly  awaited  the 
expected  presence.  Quietly  the  operator  produced  the 
spectral  representation  of  the  elder  Adams.  Jewett 
scrutinized  the  plate,  and  expressed  a  silent  wonder,  ac 
companied,  no  doubt,  with  some  mental  appeals  ad 
dressed  to  the  ancient  statesman.  Then,  writing  the 
name  of  Webster  upon  a  slip  of  paper,  he  passed  it 
over  to  the  photographer,  who  gravely  placed  the  scrap 
of  writing  upon  the  camera,  and  presently  drew  there 
from  the  "  ghost-like  "  but  well  remembered  features 
of  the  "  Sao;e  of  Marshfield."  Colorado  Jewett  was 

O 

now  thoroughly  impressed  with  the  spiritual  power  pro 
ducing  these  images  ;  and  in  ecstacy  breathed  a  prayer 
that  Andrew  Jackson  might  appear  to  lend  his  counte 
nance  to  the  conference  he  wished  to  hold  with  the 
mighty  dead.  Jackson's  well  known  features  came  out 


116  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

upon  call,  after  due  manipulation  of  the  proper  instru 
ment.  "  Glorious  trio  of  departed  statesmen  !  "  thought 
Jewett,  "  help  us  by  your  counsels  in  this  the  day  of 
our  nation's  great  distress."  Next  Henry  Clay's  out 
line  was  faintly  shown  from  the  tomb,  and  here  the 
sitter  remarked  that  he  expected  him.  After  him  came 
Stephen  A.  Douglas,  and  the  whole  affair  was  so  entire 
ly  satisfactory  to  Jewett,  that,  after  paying  fifty  dollars 
for  what  he  had  witnessed,  he,  the  next  day,  implored 
the  presence  of  George  Washington,  offering  fifty  dol 
lars  more  for  a  "  spiritual  "  sight  of  the  "  Father  of  our 
Country."  This  request  smote  upon  the  ear  of  the 
photographer  like  an  invitation  to  commit  sacrilege. 
His  reverence  for  the  memory  of  Washington  was  not 
to  be  disturbed  by  the  tempting  offer  of  so  many  green 
backs.  He  could  not  allow  the  features  of  that  great 
man  to  be  used  in  connection  with  an  imposture  perpe 
trated  upon  so  deluded  a  fanatic  as  Colorado  Jewett. 
In  short,  the  "  conditions '''  were  unfavorable  for  the  ap 
parition  of  "  General  Washington  ;  "  and  his  visitor 
must  remain  satisfied  with  the  council  of  great  men  that 
had  been  called  from  the  spirit  world  to  instill  wisdom 
into  the  noddle  of  a  foolish  man  on  this  terrestrial  plan 
et.  Having  failed  to  obtain,  by  the  agency  of  the  ope 
rator,  a  glimpse  of  Washington,  Jewett  clasped  his 
hands  together,  and  sinking  upon  his  knees,  said,  look 
ing  toward  Heaven  :  "  O  spirit  of  the  immortal  Wash 
ington  !  look  down  upon  the  warring  elements  that  con 
vulse  our  country,  and  kindly  let  thy  form  appear,  to 
lend  its  influence  toward  re-uniting  a  nation  convulsed 
with  civil  war  !  " 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  117 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  this  prayer  was  not  an 
swered.  The  spirit  would  not  come  forth  ;  and,  al 
though  quieted  by  the  explanations  and  half  promises 
of  the  photographer,  the  peace-messenger  departed,  con 
vinced  that  he  had  been  in  the  presence  of  five  great 
statesmen,  and  saddened  by  the  reflection  that  the  shade 
of  the  immortal  Washington  had  turned  away  its  face 
from  those  who  had  refused  to  follow  the  counsels  he 
gave  while  living. 

Soon  after  this,  Jewett  ordered  duplicates  of  these 
photographs  to  the  value  of  $20  more.  I  now  have  on 
exhibition  in  my  Museum  several  of  the  veritable  por 
traits  taken  at  this  time,  in  which  the  well-known  form 
and  face  of  Mr.  Jewett  are  plainly  depicted,  and  on 
one  of  which  appears  the  shade  of  Henry  Clay,  on 
another  that  of  Napoleon  the  First,  and  on  others  ladies 
supposed  to  represent  deceased  feminines  of  great  ce 
lebrity.  It  is  said  that  Jewett  sent  one  of  the  Napo 
leonic  pictures  to  the  Emperor  Louis  Napoleon. 

Not  Ions:  after   Colorado  Jewett  had    beheld    these 

C> 

wonderful  pictures,  and  worked  himself  up  into  the  be 
lief  that  he  was  surrounded  by  the  great  and  good 
statesmen  of  a  former  generation,  a  lady,  without  mak 
ing  herself  known,  called  upon  the  photographer.  I 
am  informed  that  she  is  the  wife  of  a  distinguished 
official.  She  had  heard  of  the  success  of  others,  and 
came  to  verify  their  -experience  under  her  own  bereave 
ment.  Completely  satisfied  by  the  apparition  exhib 
ited,  she  asked  for  and  obtained  a  spectral  photograph 
resembling  her  son,  who,  some  months  previously,  had 
gone  to  the  spirit-land.  It  is  said  that  the  same  lady 


118  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

asked  for  and  obtained  a  spiritual  photograph  of  her 
brother,  whom  she  had  recently  heard  was  slain  in  bat 
tle  ;  and  when  she  returned  home  she  found  him  alive, 
and  as  well  as  could  be  expected  under  the  circum 
stances.  But  this  did  not  shake  her  faith  in  the  least. 
She  simply  remarked  that  some  evil  spirit  had  assumed 
her  brother's  form  in  order  to  deceive  her.  This  is  a 
very  common  method  of  spiritualists  "  digging  out " 
when  the  impositions  of  the  "  money-operators "  are 
detected.  This  same  lady  has  recently  given  her  per 
sonal  influence  in  favor  of  the  "  medium  "  Colchester, 
in  Washington.  One  of  these  impressions  bearing  the 
likeness  of  this  distinguished  lady  was  accidentally  re 
cognized  by  a  visitor.  This  capped  the  climax  of  the 
imposture  and  satisfied  the  photographer  that  he  was 
committing  a  grave  injury  upon  society  by  continuing 
to  produce  "  spiritual  pictures,"  and  subsequently  he 
refused  to  lend  himself  to  any  more  "  manifestations  " 
of  this  kind.  He  had  exhausted  the  fun. 

I  need  only  explain  the  modus  operandi  of  effecting 
this  illusion,  to  make  apparent  to  the  most  ignorant 
that  no  supernatural  agency  was  required  to  produce 
photographs  bearing  a  resemblance  to  the  persons  whose 
"  apparition  "  was  desired.  The  photographer  always 
took  the  precaution  of  inquiring  about  the  deceased,  his 
appearance  and  ordinary  mode  of  wearing  the  hair. 
Then,  selecting  from  countless  old  "  negatives "  the 
nearest  resemblance,  it  was  produced  for  the  visitor,  in 
dim,  ghostlike  outline  differing  so  much  from  anything 
of  the  kind  ever  produced,  that  his  customers  seldom 
failed  to  recognize  some  lineament  the  dead  person  pos- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  119 

sessed  when  living,  especially  if  such  relative  had  de 
ceased  long  since.  The  spectral  illusions  of  Adams, 
Webster,  Jackson,  Clay,  and  Douglas  were  readily  ob 
tained  from  excellent  portraits  of  the  deceased  states 
men,  from  which  the  scientific  operator  had  prepared 
his  illusions  for  Colorado  Jewett. 

In  placing  before  my  readers  this  incident  of  "  Spir- 
tual  Photography,"  I  can  assure  them  that  the  facts 
are  substantially  as  related  ;  and  I  am  now  in  corres 
pondence  with  gentlemen  of  wealth  and  position  who 
have  signified  their  willingness  to  support  this  state 
ment  by  affidavits  and  other  documents  prepared  for 
the  purpose  of  opening  the  eyes  of  the  people  to  the 
delusions  daily  practised  upon  the  ignorant  and  super 
stitious. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

BANNER  OF  LIGHT. MESSAGES  FROM  THE  DEAD. SPIR 
ITUAL      CIVILITIES. SPIRIT      "  HOLLERING." HANS 

VON     VLEET,     THE       FEMALE     DUTCHMAN. MRS.     CO- 

AKT'S    u  CIRCLES." — PAINE'S    TABLE-TIPPING    HUM 
BUG   EXPOSED. 

44  The  Banner  of  Light,"  a  weekly  journal  of  romance, 
literature,  and  general  intelligence,  published  in  Bos 
ton,  is  the  principal  organ  of  spiritualism  in  this  coun 
try.  Its  "  general  intelligence  "  is  rather  questionable, 
though  there  is  no  doubt  about  its  being  a  "journal  of 
romance,"  strongly  tinctured  with  humbug  and  impos 
ture.  It  has  a  "  Message  Department,"  the  proprie- 


120  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

tors  of  the  paper  claiming  that  "  each  message  in  this 
department  of  the  "  Banner  "  was  spoken  by  the  spirit 
whose  name  it  bears,  through  the  instrumentality  of 
Mrs.  J.  H.  Conant,  while  in  an  abnormal  condition 
called  the  trance. 

I  give  a  few  specimens  of  these  "  messages."  Thus, 
for  instance,  discoursed!  the  Ghost  of  Lolley  : 

"  How  do?  Don't  know  me,  do  you  ?  Know  George 
Lolley  ?  [Yes.  How  do  you  do  ?  ]  I'm  first  rate.  I'm 
dead  ;  ain't  you  afraid  of  me  ?  You  know  I  was  familiar 
with  those  sort  of  things,  so  I  wasn't  frightened  to  go. 

"  Well,  won't  you  say  to  the  folks  that  I'm  all  right, 
and  happy  ?  that  I  didn't  suffer  a  great  deal,  had  a  pretty 
severe  wound,  got  over  that  all  right ;  went  out  from 
Petersburg.  I  was  in  the  battle  before  Petersburg;  got 
my  discharge  from  there.  Remember  me  kindly  to  Mr. 
Lord. 

"  Well,  tell  'em  as  soon  as  I  get  the  wheels  a  little 
greased  up  and  in  running  order  I'll  come  back  with  the 
good  things,  as  I  said  I  would,  George  W.  Lolley. 
Good-bye." 

Immediately  after  a  "  message  "  from  the  spirit  of 
John  Morgan,  the  guerrilla,  came  one  from  Charles 
Talbot,  who  began  as  follows  with  a  curious  apostro 
phe  to  his  predecessor : 

"  Hi-yah !  old  grisly.  It's  lucky  for  you  I  didn't  get  in 
ahead  of  you. 

"I  am  Charlie  Talbot,  of  Chambersburg,  Pa.  Was 
wounded  in  action,  captured  by  the  Rebels,  and  '  died  on 
their  hands'  as  they  say  of  the  horse." 

It  seems  a  little  rude  for  one  "  spirit  "  to  term  anoth 
er  "  Old  Grisly ;  "  but  such  may  be  the  style  of  com 
pliment  prevailing  in  the  spirit-world. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  121 

Here  is  what  Brother  Klink  said  : 

"John  Klink,  of  the  Twenty-fifth  South  Carolina.  I 
want  to  open  communication  with  Thomas  Lefar,  Charles 
ton,  S.  C.  I  am  deucedly  ignorant  about  this  coming 
back  —  dead  railroad — business.  It's  new  business  to  me, 
as  I  suppose  it  will  be  to  some  of  you  when  you  travel 
this  way.  Say  I  will  do  the  best  I  can  to  communicate 
with  my  friends,  if  they  will  give  me  an  opportunity.  I 
desire  Mr.  Lefar  to  send  my  letter  to  my  family  when  he 
receives  it  —  he  knows  where  they  are  —  and  then  re 
port  to  this  office. 

"  Good  night,  afternoon  or  morning,  I  don't  know  which. 
I  walked  out  at  Petersburg." 

Here  is  a  message  from  George  W.  Gage,  with  some 
of  the  questions  which  he  answered  : 

"  [How  do  you  like  your  new  home  ?]  First  rate.  I 
likes  —  heigho  !  —  I  likes  to  come  here,  for  they  clears  all 
the  truck  away  before  you  get  round,  and  fix  up  so  you 
can  talk  right  off.  [Wasn't  you  a  medium  ?]  No,  Sir ; 
I  wasn't  afraid,  though  ;  nor  my  mother  ain't,  either. 
Oh,  I  knew  about  it ;  I  knew  before  I  come  to  die,  about 
it.  My  mother  told  me  about  it.  I  knew  I'd  be  a  wo 
man  when  I  come  here,  too.  [Did  you  ?]  Yes,  sir ;  my 
mother  told  me,  and  said  I  musn't  be  afraid.  Oh,  I  don't 
likes  that,  but  I  likes  to  come. 

"  I  forgot,  Sir ;  my  mother's  deaf  j  and  always  had  to 
holler.  That  gentleman  says  folks  ain't  deaf  here." 

The  observable  points  are  first  that  he  seems  to  have 
excused  his  "  hollering"  by  the  habits  consequent  upon 
his  mother's  deafness.  The  "  hollering  ''  consisted  of 
unusually  heavy  thumping,  I  suppose.  But  the  second 
point  is  of  far  greater  interest.  George  intimates  that 
6 


122  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

he  has  changed  his  "  sect,"  and  become  a  woman ! 
For  this  important  alteration  his  good  mother  had  pre 
pared  his  mind.  This  style  of  thing  will  not  seem  so 
strange  if  we  consider  that  some  men  become  old  wo 
men  before  they  die  ! 

Here  is  another  case  of  feminifi cation  and  restitu 
tion  combined.  Hans  Von  Vleet  has  become  a  vrow 
—  what  you  may  call  a  female  Dutchman  !  It  has  al 
ways  been  claimed  that  women  are  purer  and  better 
than  men  ;  and  accordingly  we  see  that  as  soon  as  Hans 
became  a  woman  he  insisted  on  his  widow's  returning 
to  a  Jew  two  thousand  dollars  that  naughty  Hans  had 
"  Christianed  "  the  poor  Hebrew  out  of.  But  let  Hans 
tell  his  own  story  : 

"  I  was  Hans  Yon  Vleet  ven  I  vas  here.  1  vas  Von 
Vleet  here ;  I  is  one  vrow  now.  I  is  one  vrow  ven  I 
comes  back  ;  I  vas  no  vrow  ven  I  vas  here  (alluding  to 
the  fact  that  he  was  temporarily  occuping  the  form  of  our 
medium.)  I  wish  you  to  know  that  I  first  live  in  Harlem, 
State  of  New  York.  Ven  I  vos  here,  I  take  something  I 
had  no  right  to  take,  something  that  no  belongs  to  me. 
I  takes  something ;  I  takes  two  thousand  dollars  that  was 
no  my  own  ;  that's  what  I  come  back  to  say  about.  I 
first  have  some  dealings  with  one  Jew ;  that's  what  you 
call  him.  He  likes  to  Jew  me,  and  I  likes  to  Christian 
him.  I  belongs  to  the  Dutch  Reform  Church.  (Do  you 
think  you  were -a  good  member?)  Veil,  I  vas.  I  be 
lieves  in  the  creed ;  I  takes  the  sacrament ;  I  lives  up  to 
it  outside.  I  no  lives  up  to  it  inside,  I  suppose.  (How 
do  you  find  yourself  now,  Hans  ?)  Veil,  I  finds  myself 
—  veil,  I  don't  know;  I  not  feel  very  happy.  Ven  I 
comes  to  the  spirit-land,  I  first  meet  that  Jew's  brother, 
and  he  tells  me,  '  Hans,  you  raus  go  back  and  makes  some 
right  with  my  brother.'  So  I  comes  here. 

"I  vants  my  vrow,  what  I  left  in  Harlem,  to  takes  that 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  123 

two  tousand  dollars  and  gives  it  back  to  that  Jew's  vrow. 
That's  what  I  came  for  to-day,  Sir.  (Has  your  vrow  got 
it  ?)  Veil,  my  vrow  has  got  it  in  a  tin  box.  Yen  I  first 
go,  I  takes  the  money,  I  gives  it  to  my  vrow,  and  she 
takes  care  of  it.  Now  I  vants  my  vrow  to  give  that 
two  tousand  dollars  to  that  Jew's  vrow. 

"  (How  do  you  spell  your  name  ?)  The  vrow  knows 
how  to  spell.  (Hans  Von  Vleet.)  There's  a  something 
you  cross  in  it.  The  vrow  spells  the  rest.  Ah,  that's 
wrong;  you  makes  a  blunder.  Its  V.  not  F.  That's  like 
all  vrows.  (Do  all  vrows  make  blunders  ?)  Veil,  I  don't 
know  ;  all  do  sometimes,  I  suppose.  (Didn't  you  like 
vrows  here  ?)  Oh,  veil,  I  likes  'em  sometimes.  I  likes 
mine  own  vrow.  I  not  likes  to  be  a  vrow  myself. 
(Don't  the  clothes  fit  ?)  Ah,  veil,  I  suppose  they  fits, 
but  I  not  likes  to  wear  what  not  becomes  me." 


It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  make  comments  on  such 
horrible  nonsense  as  this.  I  may  recur  to  the  subject 
in  future,  should  it  appear  expedient.  At  present  I 
must  drop  the  subject  of  female  men. 

At  the  head  of  the  "  Message  Department  "  is  a 
standing  advertisement,  which  reads  as  follows  : 

•"  Our  free  circles  are  held  at  No.  158  Washington 
street,  Room  No.  4  (up  stairs,)  on  Monday,  Tuesday  and 
Thursday  afternoons.  The  circle-room  will  be  open  for 
visitors  at  two  o'clock ;  services  commence  at  precisely 
three  o'clock,  after  which  time  no  one  will  be  admitted. 
Donations  solicited." 

On  the  days  and  at  the  hour  mentioned  in  the  above 
advertisement,  quite  an  audience  assembles  to  hear  the 
messages  Mrs.  C.  may  have  to  deliver.  If  a  stran 
ger  present  should  request  a  message  from  one  of  his 
spirit-friends,  he  would  be  told  that  a  large  number  of 


124  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

spirits  were  seeking  to  communicate  through  that 
"  instrument,"  and  each  must  await  his  turn  !  Having 
read  obituary  notices  in  the  files  of  old  newspapers, 
and  the  published  list  of  those  recently  killed  in  battle, 
the  medium  has  data  for  any  number  of  "messages." 
She  talks  in  the  style  that  she  imagines  the  person 
whom  she  attempts  to  personate  wrould  use,  being  one 
of  the  doctrines  of  spiritualism  that  a  person's  charac 
ter  and  feelings  are  not  changed  by  death.  To  make 
the  humbug  more  complete,  she  narrates  imaginary  in 
cidents,  asserting  them  to  have  occurred  in  the  earth- 
experience  of  the  spirit  who  purports  to  have  possession 
of  her  at  the  same  time  she  is  speaking.  Mediums  in 
various  parts  of  the  country  furnish  her  with  the  names 
of  and  facts  relative  to  different  deceased  people  of 
their  acquaintance,  and  those  names  and  facts  are  used 
by  her  in  supplying  the  "  Message  Department  "  of  the 
"  Banner  of  Light." 

If  the  assumed  "  mediumship  "  of  this  woman  was 
not  an  imposture,  some  of  the  many  people  who  have 
visited  her  for  the  purpose  of  getting  communications 
from  their  spirit-friends  would  have  been  gratified.  In 
most  of  the  "  messages  "  published  in  the  Banner,  the 
spirits  purporting  to  give  them,  express  a  great  desire 
to  have  their  mortal  friends  receive  them  ;  but  those 
mortals  who  seek  to  obtain  through  Mrs.  Conant  satis 
factory  messages  from  their  spirit-friends,  are  not  grati 
fied  —  the  medium  riot  being  posted.  The  mediums 
are  as  much  opposed  to  "  new  tests  "  as  a  non-committal 
politician. 

Time  and  again  have  leading  spiritualists,  in  various 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  125 

parts  of  the  country,  indorsed  as  "  spiritual  manifesta 
tions,"  what  was  subsequently  proved  to  be  an  impos 
ture. 

Several  years  ago,  a  man  by  the  name  of  Paine  cre 
ated  a  great  sensation  in  Worcester,  Mass.,  by  causing 
a  table  to  move  "  without  contact,"  he  claiming  that  it 
was  done  by  spirits  through  his  "  mediumship."  He 
subsequently  came  to  New  York,  and  exhibited  the 
"  manifestation  "  at  the  house  of  a  spiritualist  —  where 
he  boarded  —  in  the  upper  part  of  the  city.  A  great 
many  spiritualists  and  not  a  few  "  skeptics  "  went  to  see 
his  performance.  Paine  was  a  very  soft-spoken,  "  good 
sort  of  a  fellow,"  and  appeared  to  be  quite  sincere  in 
his  claims  to  "  mediumship."  He  received  no  fee  from 
those  who  witnessed  his  exhibition  ;  and  that  fact,  in 
connection  with  others,  tended  to  disarm  people  of  sus 
picion.  His  seances  were  held  in  the  evening,  and  each 
visitor  was  received  by  him  at  the  door,  and  immedi 
ately  conducted  to  a  seat  next  the  wall  of  the  room. 

The  visitors  all  in  and  seated,  Mr.  Paine  took  a  seat 
with  the  rest  in  the  "  circle."  In  the  middle  of  the 
room  a  small  table  had  previously  been  placed,  and  the 
gas  had  been  turned  partly  off,  leaving  just  enough 
light  to  make  objects  look  ghostly. 

In  order  to  get  "harmonized,"  singing  was  indulged 
in  for  a  short  time  by  members  of  the  "  circle."  Soon 
a  number  of  raps  would  be  heard  in  the  direction  of 
the  table,  and  one  side  of  that  piece  of  furniture  would 
be  seen  to  rise  about  an  inch  from  the  floor.  Some 
very  naturally  wanted  to  rush  to  the  table  and  investi 
gate  the  matter  more  closely,  but  Paine  forbade  that  — 


126  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

the  necessary  "  conditions  "  must  be  observed,  he  said, 
or  there  would  be  no  further  manifestation  of  spirit- 
power.  As  there  was  no  one  nearer  to  the  table  than 
six  or  eight  feet,  the  fact  of  its  moving,  very  naturally 
astonished  the  skeptics  present.  Several  "  seeing  me 
diums  "  who  attended  Mr.  Paine's  stances,  were  able 
to  see  the  spirits  —  so  they  declared  —  who  moved  the 
table.  One  was  described  as  a  "  big  Injun,"  who  cut 
various  capers,  and  appeared  to  be  much  delighted  with 
the  turn  of  affairs.  Believers  were  wonderfully  well- 
pleased  to  know  that  at  last  a  medium  was  "  developed  " 
through  whom  the  inhabitants  of  another  world  could 
manifest  their  presence  to  mortals  in  such  a  way  that 
no  one  could  gainsay  the  fact.  The  "  invisibles  "  free 
ly  responded,  by  raps  on  the  table,  to  various  questions 
asked  by  those  in  the  "  circle."  They  thumped  time 
to  lively  tunes,  and  seemed  to  have  a  decidedly  good 
time  of  it  in  their  particular  way.  When  the  stance 
was  concluded,  Mr.  Paine  freely  permitted  an  examina 
tion  of  his  table. 

In  the  Sunday  Spiritual  Conferences,  then  held  in 
Clinton  Hall,  leading  spiritualists  gave  an  account  of 
the  "  manifestations  of  the  spirits  "  through  Mr.  Paine, 
and,  as  believers,  congratulated  themselves  upon  the 
existence  of  such  "  indubitable  facts."  The  spiritual 
ist  in  whose  house  this  exhibition  of  table-moving 
"  without  contact "  took  place,  was  well  known  as  a 
man  of  strict  honesty  ;  and  it  was  reasonably  presumed 
that  no  mechanical  contrivance  could  be  used  without 
his  cognizance,  in  thus  moving  a  piece  of  his  furniture 
—  for  the  table  belonged  to  him  —  and  that  he  would 

O 

countenance  a  deception  was  out  of  the  question. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  127 

There  were  in  the  city  three  gentlemen  who  had,  for 
some  time,  been  known  as  spiritualists ;  but  they  were, 
at  the  period  of  Paine's  debut  as  a  medium  in  New 
York,  very  skeptical  with  regard  to  tc  physical  manifes 
tations."  They  had,  a  short  time  before,  detected  the 
Davenports  and  other  professsed  mediums  in  the  prac 
tice  of  imposture  ;  and  they  determined  not  to  accept, 
as  true,  Paine's  pretence  to  mediumship,  till  after  a 
thorough  investigation  of  his  "  manifestations,"  they 
should  fail  to  find  a  material  cause  for  them.  After  at 
tending  several  of  his  seances,  these  gentlemen  conclud 
ed  that  Paine  moved  the  table  by  means  of  a  mechani 
cal  contrivance  fixed  under  the  floor.  One  of  this  trio 
of  investigators  was  a  mechanic,  and  he  had  conceived 
a  way  —  and  it  seemed  to  him  the  only  way  —  in  which 
the  "  manifestation  "  could  be  produced  under  the  cir 
cumstances  that  apparently  attended  it.  Paine  was  a 
mechanic,  and  these  parties  were  aware  of  that  fact. 
They  made  an  appointment  with  him  for  a  private 
seance.  The  evening  fixed  upon,  having  arrived,  they 
met  with  him  at  his  room.  The  table  was  raised  and 
raps  were  made  upon  it,  as  had  been  done  on  previous 
occasions.  One  of  the  three  investigators  stepped  to 
the  door  of  the  room,  locked  it,  put  the  key  in  his  pock 
et,  took  off  his  coat,  and  told  Mr.  Paine  that  he  was 
determined  to  search  his  (Paine's)  person,  and  that  if 
he  did  not  find  about  him  a  small  short  iron  rod,  by 
means  of,  which,  through  a  hole  in  the  floor,  a  lever 
underneath  was  worked  in  moving  the  table,  he  (the 
speaker)  would  beg  his  (Mr.  Paine's)  pardon,  and  be 
forever  after  a  firm  believer  in  the  power  of  disembod- 


128  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

ied  spirits  to  move  ponderable  bodies.  This  impressive 
little  speech  had  a  decided  and  instant  effect  upon  the 
"  medium."  "  Gentlemen,"  said  the  latter,  "•  1  might 
as  well  own  up.  Please  to  be  quietly  seated,  and  I  will 
tell  you  all  about  it."  And  he  did  tell  them  all  about 
it  ;  subsequently  repeating  his  confession  before  quite  a 
number  of  disgusted  and  cheaply  sold  spiritualists  at 
the  "  New  York  Spiritual  Lyceum."  The  theory 
formed  by  one  of  the  three  investigators  referred  to,  as 
to  Paine's  method  of  moving  the  table,  was  singularly 
correct. 

Whilst  the  family  with  whom  Paine  boarded  was 
away,  one  day,  in  attendance  at  a  funeral,  he  took  up 
several  of  the  floor  boards  of  the  back  parlor,  and  on 
the  under  side  of  them  affixed  a  lever,  with  a  cross- 
piece  at  one  end  of  it  ;  and,  in  the  ends  of  the  cross- 
piece,  bits  of  wire  were  inserted,  the  wire  being  just  as 
far  apart  as  the  legs  of  the  table  to  be  moved.  Small 
holes  were  made  in  the  floor-boards  for  the  wire  to  come 
through  to  reach  the  table-legs.  The  other  end  of  the 
lever  came  within  an  inch  or  two  of  the  wall.  When 
all  the  arrangements  were  completed,  and  the  table 
being  properly  placed  in  order  to  move  it,  Mr.  Paine 
had  only  to  insert  one  end  of  a  short  iron  rod  in  a  hole 
in  the  heel  of  his  boot,  put  the  other  end  of  the  rod 
through  a  hole  in  the  floor,  just  under  the  edge  of  the 
carpet  near  the  wall,  and  then  press  the  rod  down  upon 
the  end  of  the  lever. 

The  movements  necessary  in  fixing  the  iron  rod  to 
its  place  were  executed  while  he  was  picking  up  his 
handkerchief,  that  he  had  purposely  dropped. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  129 

The  middle  of  the  lever  was  attached  to  the  floor, 
and  the  end  with  the  cross-piece,  being  the  heavier, 
brought  the  other  end  close  up  against  the  floor,  the 
wires  in  the  cross-piece  having  their  points  just  within 
the  bottom  of  the  holes  in  the  floor.  The  room  was 
carpeted,  and  there  were  little  marks  on  the  carpet, 
known  only  to  Paine,  that  enabled  him  to  know  just 
where  to  place  the  table.  Pressing  down  the  end  of 
the  lever  nearest  the  wall,  an  inch  would  bring  the 
wires  in  the  cross-piece  on  the  other  end  of  the  lever 
against  the  leo-s  of  the  table,  and  slightlv  raise  the  lat- 

&  o  o        «.< 

ter.  One  of  the  wires  would  strike  the  table-leg  a 
very  little  before  the  other  did,  and  that  enabled  the 
"  medium  "  to  very  nicely  rap  time  to  the  tunes  that 
were  sung  or  played.  Of  course,  no  holes  that  any 
one  could  observe  would  be  made  in  the  carpet  by  the 
passage  of  the  wires  through  it. 

For  appearance'  sake,  Paine,  before  his  detection, 
visited,  by  invitation,  the  houses  of  several  different 
spiritualists,  for  the  purpose  of  holding  seances  ;  but  he 
never  got  a  table  to  move  "  without  contact  "  in  any 
other  than  the  place  where  he  had  properly  prepared 
the  conditions. 


G* 


130  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

SPIRITUALIST    HUMBUGS    WAKING    UP.  FOSTER     HEARD 

FROM. —  S.    B.    BR1TTAN    HEARD    FROM. THE    BOSTON 

ARTISTS     AND     THEIR      SPIRITUAL      PORTRAITS.  THE 

WASHINGTON  MEDIUM  AND  HIS  SPIRITUAL  HANDS.— 
THE  DAVENPORT  BROTHERS  AND  THE  SEA-CAPTAIN'S 
WHEAT-FLOUR. THE  DAVENPORT  BROTHERS  ROUGH 
LY  SHOWN  UP  BY  JOHN  BULL. HOW  A  SHINGLE 

"  STUMPED  "    THE    SPIRITS. 

I  hear  from  spiritualists  sometimes.  These  gentry 
are  much  exercised  in  their  minds  by  my  letters  about 
them,  and  some  of  them  fly  out  at  me  very  much  as 
bumble-bees  do  at  one  who  stirs  up  their  nest.  For  in 
stance,  I  received,  not  long  ago,  from  my  good  friends, 
Messrs.  Cauldwell  &  Whitney,  an  anonymous  letter 
to  them,  dated  at  Washington,  and  suggesting  that  if 
I  would  attend  what  the  latter  calls  "  a  seance  of  that 
celebrated  humbug,  Foster,"  I  should  see  something 
that  I  could  not  explain.  Now,  this  anonymous  letter, 
as  I  know  by  a  spiritual  communication,  (or  otherwise,) 
is  in  a  handwriting  very  wonderfully  like  that  of  Mr. 
Foster  himself.  And  as  for  the  substance  of  it,  it  is 
very  likely  that  Foster  has  nowr  gotten  up  some  new 
tricks.  He  needs  them.  The  exhibiting  mediums 

O 

must,  of  course,  contrive  new  tricks  as  fast  as  Dr.  Von 
Vleck  and  men  like  him  show  up  their  old  ones.  It  is 
the  universal  method  of  all  sorts  of  impostors  to  adopt 
new  means  of  fooling  people  when  their  old  ones  are 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  131 

exposed.     And  Mr.  Foster  shall  have  all  the  attention 
he  wants  if  I  ever  find  the   leisure  to  bestow  on  him, 
though  my  time  is  fully  occupied  with  worthier  objects. 
I  have  also  been  complimented  with  a  buzz  and  an 
attempt  to  sting  from  my  old  friend  S.  B.  Brittan,  the 
ex-Universalist    minister  —  the    very    surprisingly  effi 
cient  "  man  Friday  "  of  Andrew  Jackson  Davis,  in  the 
production  of  the  "  Revelations  "  of  the  said  Davis,  and 
also   ghost-fancier   in    general ;    who   has  .gently    aired 
part  of  his  vocabulary  in  a  communication  to  the  "  Ban 
ner  of  Light,"   with   the  heading  "  Exposed  for   Two 
Shillings."     I   can   afford   very   well    to    expose   friend 
Biittan  and  his  spiritualist  humbugs  for  two  shillings. 
The    honester    the    cheaper.      It  evidently   vexes    the 
spiritualists  to  have   their  ghosts  put  with  the  monkeys 
in  the  Museum.     They  can't  help  it,  though  ;  and  it  is 
my  deliberate  opinion  that  the  monkeys  are  much  the 
most  respectable.     I  have  no  wish  to  displease  any  honest 
person  ;  but  the  more  the  spiritualists  squirm,  and  snarl, 
and  scold,  and   call    names,  the   more  they  show  that  I 
am  hurting  them.      Or — does  my  friend  Brittan   him 
self  want  an  engagement  at  the  Museum  ?      Will  he  pro 
duce  some  "  manifestations"  there,  and  get  that  $500  ? 
—  the  money  is  ready  ! 

A  valued  friend  of  mine  has  furnished  me  a  pleasant 
and  true  narrative  of  a  fine  "  spiritual  "  humbug  which 
took  place  in  a  respectable  Massachusetts  village  not 
\ery  long  ago.  I  give  the  story  in  his  own  graphic 
words  : 

"  Two  artists  of  Boston,  tired  of  the  atmosphere  of 
their  studios,  resolved  themselves,  in  joint  session,  into 


132  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

spiritual  mediums,  as  a  means  of  raising  the  wind  —  or 
the  devil  —  and  of  getting  a  little  fresh  air  in  the  rural 
districts.  One  of  them  had  learned  Mansfield's  trick 
of  answering  communications  and  that  of  writing  on 
the  arms.  They  had  large  handbills  printed,  announc 
ing  that  "  Mr.  W.  Howard,  the  celebrated  test-medium, 

would   visit    the    town  of ,    and    would    remain  at 

the Hotel  during  three  days."     One  of  the  artists 

preceded  the  other  by  a  few  hours,  engaged  rooms,  and 
attended  to  sundry  preliminaries.  "  Mr.  Howard  " 
donned  a  white  choker,  put  his  hair  behind  his  ears, 
and  mounted  a  pair  of  plain  glass  spectacles  ;  and  such 
was  his  profoundly  spiritual  appearance  on  entering  his 
apartments  at  the  hotel,  that  he  had  to  lock  the  door 
and  give  his  partner  opportunity  to  explode,  and  abso 
lutely  roll  about  on  the  floor  with  laughter. 

"  Well,  they  rigged  a  clothes-horse  for  a  screen  ;  and 
to  heighten  the  effect,  the  assistant,  who  was  expert  in 
portraiture,  covered  this  screen,  and,  indeed,  the  walls 
of  the  room,  with  scraggy  outlines  of  the  human  coun 
tenance  upon  large  sheets  of  paper.  These,  they  said, 
were  executed  by  the  draftsman,  whose  right  hand, 
when  under  spiritual  influence,  uncontrollably  jerked 
off  these  likenesses.  They  added,  that  the  spirits  had 
given  information  that,  before  the  mediums  left  town, 
the  people  would  recognize  these  pictures  as  likenesses 
of  persons  there  deceased  within  twenty  years  or  so. 
Price,  two  dollars  each  !  They  absolutely  sold  quite  a 
large  number  of  these  portraits,  as  they  were  from  time 
to  time  recognized  by  surviving  friends  !  The  operation 
of  drawi.ig  portraits  was  alsolllustrated  at  certain  hours, 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  133 

admission,  fifty  cents ;  if  not  satisfactory,  the  money 
returned. 

"  Other  tricks  of  various  kinds  were  performed  with 
pleasure  to  all  parties  and  profit  to  the  performers.  The 
artists  stood  it  as  long  as  they  could,  and  then  departed. 
But  there  was  every  indication  that  the  towns-people 
would  have  stood  it  until  this  day." 

Thus  far  my  friend's  curious  and  truthful  account. 

A  little  while  ago,  there  was  exhibiting,  at  Washing 
ton,  a  "  test-medium  "  whose  name  I  would  print,  were 
it  not  that  I  do  not  want  to  advertise  him.  One  of  his 
most  impressive  feats  was,  to  cause  spiritual  hands  and 
other  parts  of  the  human  frame  to  appear  in  the  air 
a  la  Davenport  Brothers.  A  gentleman,  whose  name  I 
also  know  very  well  indeed,  but  have  particular  reasons 
for  not  mentioning,  went  one  day  to  see  this  "  test- 
medium,"  along  with  a  friend,  and  asked  to  see  a  hand. 
"  Certainly,"  the  medium  said  ;  and  the  room  was  dark 
ened,  and  the  "  circle  "  made  round  the  table  in  the 
usual  manner.  After  about  five  minutes,  my  friend, 
who  had  contrived  to  place  himself  pretty  near  the  me 
dium,  saw,  sure  enough,  a  dim  glimmering  blue  light 
in  the  air,  a  foot  or  so  before  and  above  the  head  of  the 
medium.  In  a  minute,  he  could  see,  dimly  outlined  in 
this  blue  light,  the  form  of  a  hand,  back  toward  him, 
fingers  together,  and  no  thumb. 

"  Why  is  no  thumb  visible  ?  "  asked  my  friend  of  the 
medium  in  a  solemn  manner. 

"  The  reason  is,"  said  the  medium,  still  more  solemn 
ly,  "  that  the  spirits  have  not  power  enough  to  produce 
a  whole  hand  and  so  they  exhibit  as  much  as  they  can." 


.    I 

134  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

,    "  And  do  they  always  show  hands  without  thumbs  ?  " 

"  Yes." 

Here  my  friend,  with  a  sudden  jump,  grabbed  for  the 
place  where  the  wrist  of  the  mysterious  hand  ought  to 
be.  Strange  to  relate,  he  caught  it,  and  held  it  stoutly, 
to.  A  light  was  quickly  had,  when,  still  stranger,  the 
spirit-hand  was  clearly  seen  to  be  the  fleshy  paw  of  the 
medium  —  and  a  fat  paw  it  was  too.  Mr.  Medium 
took  the  matter  with  the  coolness  of  a  thorough  rascal, 
and,  lighting  a  cigar,  merely  observed  : 

"  Well  gentlemen,  you  needn't  trouble  yourselves  to 
come  here  any  more  !  " 

He  also  insisted  on  his  usual  fee  of  five  dollars,  until 
threatened  with  a  prosecution  for  swindling. 

The  secret  of  this  worthy  gentleman  is  simple  and 
soon  told.  Holding  one  hand  up  in  the  air,  he  held  up 
with  the  other,  between  the  thumb  and  finger,  a  little 
pinch  of  phosphorus  and  bi-sulphide  of  carbon,  which 
gave  the  blue  light.  If  inconvenient  to  hold  up  the 
other  hand,  he  had  a  reserve  pinch  of  blue-light  under 
that  invisible  thumb.  It  is  a  curious  instance  of  the 
thorough  credulity  of  genuine  spiritualists  that  a  believer 
in  this  wretched  rogue,  on  being  circumstantially  told 
this  whole  story,  not  only  steadily  and  firmly  refused  to 
credit  it,  and  continued  his  faith  in  the  fellow,  but  abso 
lutely  would  not  go  to  see  the  application  of  any  other 
test.  That's  the  sort  of  follower  that  is  worth  having  ! 

Another  case  was  witnessed  as  follows,  by  the  very 
same  person  on  whose  authority  I  give  the  spirit-hand 
story.  He  was  present  —  also,  this  time  in  Washington, 
as  it  happened,  at  an  exhibition  by  a  certain  pair  of  spirit- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  135 

ual  brothers,  since  well  known  as  the  "  Davenport 
Brothers." 

These  chaps,  after  the  fashion  of  their  kind,  caused 
themselves  to  be  tied  up  in  a  rope,  an  old  sea-captain 
tying  them.  This  done,  their  "  shop"  or  cabinet,  was 
shut  upon  them  as  usual,  and  the  bangs,  throwing  of 
sticks,  etc.,  through  a  window,  and  the  like,  took  place. 
Well,  this  sly  and  inconvenient  old  sea-captain  now  slip 
ped  out  of  the  hall  a  few  minutes,  and  came  back  with 
some  wheat  flour.  Having  tied  up  the  "  brothers  " 
again,  be  remarked  : 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  please  to  take,  each,  your  two 
hands  full  of  wheat  flour." 

The  "  brothers  "  got  mad  and  flatly  refused.  Then 
they  cooled  down  and  argued,  saying  it  wouldn't  make 
any  difference,  and  was  of  no  use. 

"  Well,'7  said  the  ancient  mariner,  u  if  it  won't  make 
any  difference  you  can  just  as  well  do  it,  can't  you?  " 

The  audience,  seeing  the  point,  were  so  evidently 
pleased  with  the  old  sailor,  that  the  grumbling  "broth 
ers  "  though  with  a  very  bad  grace,  took  their  fists  full 
of  flour,  and  were  shut  up. 

There  was  not  the  least  sign  of  a  "  manifestation  " 
—no  more  than  if  the  wheat-flour  had  shot  the  "  broth 
ers  "  dead  in  their  tracks.  The  audience  were  immensely 
delighted.  The  "  brothers,"  since  that  time,  have  learn 
ed  to  perform  some  tricks  with  flour  in  their  fists,  but 
only  when  tied  by  their  own  friends. 

Since  these  facts  came  to  my  knowledge,  the  Daven 
port  Brothers  have  suffered  an  unpleasant  exposure  in 
Liverpool,  in  England,  the  details  of  which  have  been 


136  •    HUMBUGS    OF    THE      WORLD. 

,  kindly  forwarded  to  me  by  attentive  friends  there.  The 
circumstances  in  question  occurred  on  the  evenings  of 
Tuesday  and  Wednesday,  February  14  and  15,1865. 
On  the  first  of  these  evenings,  a  gentleman  named  Cum 
mins,  selected  by  the  audience  as  one  of  the  Tying 
Committee,  tied  one  of  the  Brothers,  and  a  Mr.  Hulley, 
the  other  committee-man,  the  other.  But  the  Brothers 
saw  instantly  that  they  could  not  wriggle  out  of  these 
knots.  They,  therefore,  refused  to  let  the  tying  be  finish 
ed,  saying  that  it  was  "  brutal  "  although  a  surgeon 
present  said  it  w^as  not ;  one  tied  brother  was  untied  by 
Ferguson,  the  agent ;  and  then  the  Brothers  went  to 
work  and  performed  their  various  tricks  without  the 
supervison  of  any  committee,  but  amid  a  constant  fire 
of  derision,  laughter,  groans,  shouts,  and  epithets  from 
the  audience.  On  the  next  evening,  the  audience  insist 
ed  on  having  the  same  committee ;  the  Brothers  were 
very  reluctant  to  allow  it,  but  had  to  do  so  after  a  long 
time.  Ira  Davenport  refused  again,  however,  instantly 
to  be  tied,  as  soon  as  he  saw  what  knot  Mr.  Cummins 
was  going  to  use.  Cummins,  however,  though  Ira 
squirmed  most  industriously,  got  him  tied  fast,  and  then 
Ira  called  to  Ferguson  to  cut  the  knot !  Ferguson  did 
so,  and  cut  Ira's  hand.  Ira  now  shewed  the  blood  to 
the  audience,  and  the  Brothers,  with  an  immense  pre 
tense  of  indignation,  went  off  the  stage.  Cummins  at 
once  explained  ;  the  audience  became  disgusted,  and, 
enraged  at  the  impudence  of  the  imposture,  broke 
over  the  foot-lights,  knocked  Ferguson  backward  into 
the  "  cabinet ;  "  and  when  the  discomfited  agent  had 
scrambled  out  and  run  away,  smashed  the  thing  fairly 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  loT 

into  kindling-wood,  and  carried  it  off,  all  distributed 
into  splinters  and  chips.  Early  next  morning,  the  ter 
rified  Davenports  ran  away  out  of  Liverpool  ;  and  a 
number  of  the  audience  were,  at  last  accounts,  intending 
to  go  to  law  to  get  back  the  money  paid  for  an  exhibition 
which  they  did  not  see. 

The  very  thorough  exposure  of  the  Davenports  thus 
made  is  an  additional  proof —  if  such  were  needed  —  of 
the  truth  of  \vhat  I  have  alleged  about  the  impostures 
perpetrated  by  them  and  their  "  mysterious  "  brethren 
of  the  exhibiting  sort. 

Once  the  "  spirits  "  were  "  stumped  "  with  a  shingle 
—  a  very  proper  yankee  jaw-bone  of  an  ass  to  route 
such  disembodied  Philistines.  One  day  a  certain  per 
son  was  present  where  some  tables  were  rambling  about, 
and  other  revolutions  taking  place  in  the  furniture- 
business,  when  he  stepped  boldly  forth  like  a  herald 
bearing  defiance,  and  cast  down  a  common  white  pine 
shingle  upon  the  floor.  "  There,"  said  he,  coolly,  "  if  ' 
you  can  trot  those  tables  about  in  that  style,  do  it  with 
that  shingle.  Make  it  go  about  the  room.  Make  it 
move  an  inch  !  "  And  lo,  and  behold  !  the  shingle  lay 
perfectly  still. 


138  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

THE    DAVENPORT     BROTHERS    SHOWN    UP    ONCE    MORE.— 

DR.  NEWTON  AT  CHICAGO. THE    SPIRITUALIST    BOGUS 

BABY. A    LADY    BRINGS    FORTH    A    MOTIVE    FORCE. 

"  GUM  "      ARABIC.  SPIRITUALIST      HEBREW.  THE 

ALLEN     BOY. DR.     RANDALL. PORTLAND     EVENING 

COURIER. THE    FOOLS    NOT    ALL    DEAD    YET. 

Other  "  spiritual  "  facts  have  come  to  my  hand,  some 
of  them  furnishing  additional  details  about  persons  to 
whom  I  have  already  alluded,  and  others  being  impor 
tant  to  illustrate  some  general  tendencies  of  spiritual 
ism. 

And  first,  about  the  Davenport  Brothers  ;  they  have 
met  with  another  "awful  exposure,"  at  the  hands  of  a 
merciless  Mr.  Addison.  This  gentleman  is  a  London 
stockbroker,  and  his  cool,  sharp  business  habits  seem  to 
have  stood  him  in  good  stead  in  taking  some  fun  out  of 
the  fools  who  follow  the  Davenports.  Mr.  Addison,  it 
seems,  went  to  work,  and,  just  to  amuse  his  friends,  ex 
ecuted  all  the  Davenport  tricks.  Upon  this  the  spirit 
ualist  newspapers  in  England,  which,  like  the  Boston 
Herald  of  Progress,  claim  to  believe  in  the  "  Brothers," 
came  out  and  said  that  Addison  was  a  very  wonderful 
medium  indeed.  On  this  the  cold-blooded  Addison  at 
once  printed  a  letter,  in  which  he  not  only  said  he  had 
done  all  their  tricks  without  spiritual  aid,  but  he  more 
over  explained  exactly  how  he  caught  the  Davenports 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  139 

in  their  impositions.  He  and  a  long-legged  friend  went 
to  one  of  the  "  dark  sdances  "  of  the  Davenports,  dur 
ing  which  musical  instruments  were  to  fly  about  over 
the  heads  of  the  audience,  bang  their  pates,  thrum, 
twang,  etc.  Addison  and  his  friend  took  a  front  seat ; 
as  soon  as  the  lights  were  put  out  they  put  out  their 
legs  too  ;  stretching  as  far  as  possible  ;  and,  to  use  the 
unfeeling  language  of  Mr.  Addison,  they  "  soon  had 
the  satisfaction  of  feeling  some  one  falling  over  them." 
They  then  caught  hold  of  an  arm,  from  which  a  guitar 
was  forthwith  let  drop  on  the  floor.  In  order  to  be 
certain  who  the  guitar-carrier  was,  they  waited  until 
the  next  time  the  lights  were  put  out,  took  each  a 
mouthful  of  dry  flour,  and  blew  it  out  right  among  the 
"  manifestations."  When  the  lamps  were  lighted,  lo 
and  behold  !  there  was  Fay,  the  agent  and  manager  of 
the  Davenports,  with  his  back  all  powdered  with  flour. 
Addison  showed  this  to  an .  acquaintance,  who  said, 
"  Yes,  he  saw  the  flour  ;  but  he  could  not  understand 
what  made  Addison  and  his  friend  laugh  so  excessively 
at  it." 

The  spiritualist  newspapers  don't  think  Addison  is  so 
great  a  medium  as  they  did  ! 

Great  accounts  have  recently   come   eastward   from 

* 

Chicago,  of  a  certain  Doctor  Newton,  who  is  said  to  be 
working  miracles  by  the  hundred  in  the  way  of  healing 
diseases.  This  man  operates  with  exactly  the  weapons 
all  the  miracle-workers,  quacks,  and  impostors,  ancient 
and  modern  use.  All  of  them  have  appealed  to  the 
imaginations  of  their  patients,  and  no  person  acquainted 
with  mental  philosophy  is  ignorant  that  many  a  sick 


140  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

man  has  been  cured  either  by  medicine  and  imagination 
together,  or  by  imagination  alone.  Therefore,  even  if 
this  Newton  should  really  be  the  cause  of  the  recovery 
of  some  persons  from  their  ailments,  it  would  be  no 
more  a  miracle  than  if  Dr.  Mott  should  do  it ;  nor 
would  Newton  be  any  the  less  a  quack  and  a  humbug. 

Newton  has  operated  at  the  East  already.  He  had 
a  career  at  New  Haven  and  Hartford,  and  in  other 
places,  before  he  steered  westward  in  the  wake  of  the 
"Star  of  Empire."  What  he  does  is  simply  to  ask 
what  is  the  matter,  and  where  it  hurts.  Then  he  sticks 
his  thumb  into  the  seat  of  the  difficulty,  or  he  pokes  or 
strokes  or  pats  it,  as  the  case  may  be.  Then  he  says, 
"There  —  you're  cured!  God  bless  you!  —  Take 
yourself  off !  " 

Chicago  must  be  a  credulous  place,  for  we  are  in 
formed  of  immense  crowds  besieging  this  man,  and  un 
dergoing  his  manipulations.  One  of  the  Chicago  pa 
pers,  having  little  faith  and  a  good  deal  of  fun  —  which 
in  such  cases  is  much  better  —  published  some  burlesque 
stories  and  certificates  about  "  Doctor  "  Newton,  some 
of  them  humorous  enough.  There  is  a  certificate  from 
a  woman  with  fourteen  children,  all  having  the  measles 
at  once.  She  says  that  no  sooner  had  Doctor  Newton 
received  one  lock  of  hair  of  one  of  them,  than  the 
measles  left  them  all,  and  she  now  has  said  measles 
corked  up  in  a  bottle  !  Another  case  was  that  of  a 
merchant  who  had  lost  his  strength,  but  went  and  was 
stroked  by  Newton,  and  the  very  next  day  was  able  to 
lift  a  note  in  bank,  which  had  before  been  altogether 
too  heavy  for  him.  There  was  also  an  old  lady,  whose 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  141 

story  I  fear  was  imitated  from  Hood's  funny  conceit  of 
the  deaf  woman  who  bought  an  ear-trumpet,  which 
was  so  effective  that 

"  The  very  next  day 

She  heard  from  her  husband  in  Botany  Bay  !  " 

The  Chicago  old  lady  in  like  manner,  after  having 
had  Doctor  Newton's  thumbs  "jobbed  "  into  her  ears, 
certifies  that  she  heard  next  morning  from  her  son  in 
California. 

One  would  think  that  this  ridicule  would  put  the 
learned  Dr.  Newton  to  flight ;  but  it  will  not  until  he 
is  through  with  the  fools. 

I  have  already  given  an  account  of  some  of  the  mes 
sages  from  the  other  world  in  the  "  Banner  of  Light," 
in  which  some  of  the  spirits  explain  that  they  have 
turned  into  women  since  they  died.  This  is  by  no 
means  the  first  remarkable  trick  that  the  spirits  have 
performed  upon  the  human  organization.  Here  is  what 
they  did  at  High  Rock,  in  Massachusetts,  a  number  of 
years  ago.  It  beats  Joanna  Southcott  in  funny  absurd 
ity,  if  not  in  blasphemy. 

At  High  Rock,  in  the  year  1854  or  thereabouts,  cer 
tain  spiritualist  people  were  building  some  mysterious 
machinery.  While  this  was  in  process  of  erection,  a 
female  medium,  of  considerable  eminence  in  those  parts, 
was  informed  by  certain  spirits,  with  great  solemnity 
and  pomp,  that  "  she  would  become  the  Mary  of  a  new 
dispensation  ;  "  that  is,  she  was  going  to  be  a  mother. 
Well,  this  was  all  proper,  no  doubt,  and  the  lady  her 
self —  so  say  the  spiritualist  accounts — had  for  some 
time  experienced  indications  that  she  was  pregnant 


142  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

These  indications  continued,  and  became  increasingly 
obvious,  and  also,  it  was  observed,  a  little  queer  in  some 
particulars. 

After  a  while,  one  Spear —  a  "  Reverend  Mr.  Spear  " 
—  who  was  mixed  up,  it  appears,  with  the  machinery- 
part  of  the  business,  and  who  was  a  medium  himself, 
transmitted  to  the  lady  a  request  from  the  spirits  that 
she  would  visit  said  Spear  at  High  Rock  on  a*  certain 
day.  She  did  so,  of  course  ;  and  while  there  was  un 
expectedly  taken  with  the  pains  of  childbirth,  which  the 
spiritualist  authorities  say,  were  "  internal  "  —  where 
should  they  be,  pray  ?  —  and  "  of  the  spirit  rather  than 
of  the  physical  nature ;  but  were,  nevertheless,  quite  as 
uncontrollable  as  those  of  the  latter,  and  not  less  severe." 
The  labor  proceeded.  It  lasted  two  hours.  As  it 
went  on,  lo  and  behold !  one  part  and  another  part  of 
the  machinery  began  to  move  !  And  when,  at  the  end 
of  the  two  hours,  the  parturition  was  safely  over,  all  the 
machinery  was  going  ! 

The  lady  had  given  birth  to  a  Motive  Force.  Does 
anybody  suppose  I  am  manufacturing  this  story  ?  Not 
a  bit  of  it.  It  is  all  told  at  length  in  a  book  published 
by  a  spiritualist ;  and  probably  a  good  many  of  my  read 
ers  will  remember  about  it. 

Well,  the  baby  had  to  be  nursed  —  fact !  This 
superhumanly  silly  female  actually  went  through  the 
motions  of  nursing  the  motive  force  for  some  weeks. 
Though  how  the  thing  sucked  —  Excuse  me,  ladies  ;  I 
would  not  discuss  such  delicate  subjects  did  not  the  in 
terests  of  truth  require  it. 

If  I  had  been  the  physician,  at  any  rate,  I  think  I 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  143 

should  have  recommended  to  hire  a  healthy  female 
steam-engine  for  a  wet  nurse  to  this  young  motive  force  ; 
say  a  locomotive,  for  instance.  I  feel  sure  the  thing 
would  have  lived  if  it  could  have  had  a  guao-e-faucet 

O          ?5 

or  something  of  that  sort  to  draw  on.  But  the  medi 
cal  folks  in  charge  chose  to  permit  the  mother  to 
nurse  the  child,  and  she  not  being  able  to  supply  proper 
nutriment,  the  poor  little  innocent  faded  —  if  that 
word  be  appropriate  for  what  couldn't  be  seen, —  and 
finally  >c  crin  eout  ;  "  and  the  machinery,  after  some 
abortive  joggles  and  turns,  stood  hopelessly  still. 

This  story  is  true  —  that  is,  it  is  true  that  the  story 
was  told,  the  pretences  were  gone  through,  and  the 
birth  was  actually  believed  by  a  good  many  people. 
Some  of  them  were  prodigiously  enthusiastic  about  it, 
and  called  the  invisible  brat  the  New  Motive  Power, 
the  Physical  Savior,  Heaven's  Last  Best  Gift  to  Man, 
the  New  Creation,  the  Great  Spiritual  Revelation  of  the 
Age,  the  Philosopher's  Stone,  the  Act  of  all  Acts,  and 
so  on,  and  so  forth. 

The  great  question  of  all  was,  Who  was  the  daddy  ? 
I  don't  know  of  anybody's  asking  this  question,  but  its 
importance  is  extreme  and  obvious.  For  if  things  like 
this  are  going  to  happen,  the  ladies  will  be  afraid  to  sleep 
alone  in  the  house  if  so  much  as  a  sewing-machine  or 
apple-corer  be  about,  and  will  not  dare  take  solitary 
walks  along  any  stream  where  there  is  a  water  power. 

A  couple  of  miscellaneous  anecdotes  may  not  inappro 
priately  be  appended  to  this  story  of  monstrous  delu 
sion. 

Once  a  "  writing  medium"  was  producing  sentences 


144  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

in  various  foreign  languages.  One  of  these  was  Arabic. 
An  enthusiastic  youth,  a  half-believer,  after  inspecting 
the  wondrous  scroll,  handed  it  to  his  seat-mate,  a  pro 
fessor  (as  it  happened)  in  one  of  our  oldest  colleges,  and 
a  man  of  real  learning.  The  professor  scrutinized  the 
idocument.  What  was  the  youth's  delight  to  hear  him 
at  last  observe  gravely,  "  It  is  a  ki?id  of  Arabic,  sure 
enough  !  " 

"  What  kind  ?  "  asked  the  young  man  with  intense 
interest. 

u  Gum-arabic,"  said  the  professor. 

The  spirit  of  the  prophet  Daniel  came  one  night  into 
the  apartment  of  a  medium  named  Fowler,#and  right 
before  his  eyes,  he  said,  wrote  down  some  marks  on  a 
piece  of  paper.  These  were  shown  to  the  Reverend 
George  Bush,  Professor  of  Hebrew  in  the  New- York 
University,  who  said  that  they  were  "  a  few  verses 
from  the  last  chapter  of  Daniel  "  and  were  learnedly 
written.  Bush  was  a  spiritualist  as  well  as  a  professor 
of  Hebrew,  and  he  ought  to  have  known  better  than  to 
indorse  spirit-Hebrew ;  for  shortly  there  came  others, 
who,  to  use  a  rustic  phrase,  "  took  the  rag  off  the  Bush." 
These  inconvenient  personages  were  three  or  four  per 
sons  of  learning :  one  a  Jew,  who  proved  that  the  doc 
ument  was  an  attempt  to  copy  the  verses  in  question, 
by  some  one  so  ignorant  of  Hebrew  as  not  to  know  that 
it  is  written  backward,  that  is,  from  right  to  left. 

During  the  last  few  months,  a  "  boy  medium,"  by  the 
name  of  Henry  B.  Allen,  thirteen  years  of  age,  has 
been  astonishing  people  in  various  parts  of  the  country 
by  u  Physical  Manifestations  in  the  Light."  The  exlii- 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  145 

bitions  of  this  precocious  youngster  have  been  "  manag 
ed  "  by  a  Dr.  Randall,  who  also  lectures  upon  Spirit 
ualism,  expounding  its  "  beautiful  philosophy."  For  a 
number  of  weeks  this  couple  held  forth  in  Boston,  some 
times  giving  several  seances  during  the  day,  not  more 
than  thirty  being  allowed  to  attend  at  one  time,  each  of 
whom  were  required  to  pay  an  admission  fee  of  one 
dollar. 

"  The  Banner  of  Light  "  fully  indorsed  this  Allen  boy, 
and  gave  lengthy  accounts  of  his  manifestations.  The 
arrangements  for  his  exhibition  were  very  simple.  A 
dulcimer,  guitar,  bell,  and  small  drum  being  placed  on 
a  sofa  or  several  chairs  set  against  the  wall,  a  clothes- 
horse  was  set  in  front  of  them  and  covered  with  a  blan 
ket,  which  came  to  the  floor.  To  obtain  "  manifesta 
tions,"  a  person  was  required  to  take  off  his  coat  and  sit 
with  his  back  to  the  clothes-horse.  The  medium  then 
took  a  seat  close  to,  and  facing  the  investigator's  left 
side,  and  grasped  the  left  arm  of  the  latter  on  the  under 
side,  above  the  elbow,  with  his  (the  medium's)  right  hand 
and  near  the  wrist  with  the  other  hand.  The  "  manag 
er  "  then  covered  with  a  coat,  the  arms  and  left  shoulder 
of  the  medium  including  the  left  arm  of  the  investigator. 
The  medium  soon  commenced  to  wriggle  and  twist  — 
the  "  manager  "  said  he  was  always  nervous  under  u  in 
fluence  "  —  and  worked  the  coat  away  from  the  position 
in  which  it  had  been  placed.  Taking  his  right  hand 
from  the  investigator's  arm,  he  readjusted  the  coat,  and 
availed  himself  of  that  opportunity  to  get  the  investiga 
tor's  wrist  between  his  (the  medium's)  left  arm  and 
knee.  That  brought  his  left  hand  in  such  a  position  that 
7 


146  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

with  it  he  could  grasp  the  investigator's  arm  where  he 
had  previously  grasped  it  with  his  right  hand.  With 
the  latter  he  could  then  reach  around  the  edge  of  the 
clothes-horse  and  make  a  noise  on  the  instruments.  With 
the  drumsticks  he  thumped  on  the  dulcimer.  Taking 
the  guitar  by  the  neck,  he  could  vibrate  the  strings  and 
show  the  body  of  the  instrument  above  the  clothes-horse, 
without  any  one  seeing  his  hand  !  All  persons  present 
were  so  seated  that  they  could  not  see  behind  the 
clothes-horse,  or  have  a  view  of  the  medium's  right 
shoulder.  When  asked  why  people  were  not  allowed  to 
occupy  such  a  position,  that  they  could  have  a  fair  view 
of  the  instruments  when  sounded,  the  "manager"  re 
plied  that  he  did  not  exactly  know,  but  presumed  it  was 
because  the  magnetic  emanations  from  the  eves  of  the 

O  •-' 

beholders  would  prevent  the  spirits  being  able  to  move 
the  instruments  at  all !  What  was  claimed  to  be  a 
spirit-hand  was  often  shown  above  the  clothes-horse, 
where  it  flickered  for  an  instant  and  was  withdrawn  ; 
but  it  was  invariably  a  right  hand  with  the  wrist  toward 
the  medium.  When  the  person  sitting  with  the  medium 
was  asked  if  the  hands  of  the  latter  had  constantly  hold 
of  his  arm,  he  replied  in  the  affirmative.  Of  course, 
he  felt  what  he  supposed  to  be  both  the  medium's 
hands ;  but  as  I  before  explained,  the  pressure  on  his 
wrist  was  from  the  medium's  left  arm — the  left  hand 
of  whom,  by  means  of  a  very  accommodating  crook  in 
the  elbow,  was  grasping  the  investigator's  arm  where 
the  medium's  right  hand  was  supposed  to  be. 

From    Boston    the     Allen    boy    went    to    Portland, 
Maine,  where  he  succeeded  "  astonishingly,"  till  some 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  147 

gentleman  applied  the  lampblack  test  to  his  assumed 
mediumship,  whereupon  he  "  came  to  grief." 

The  following  is  copied  from  the  "  Portland  Daily 
Press,"  of  March  21. 

"EXPOSED.  —  The  'wonderful'  spiritual  manifestations 
of  the  'boy-medium,'  Master  Henry  B.  Allen,  in  charge  ot 
Doctor  J.H.  Randall,  of  Boston,  were  brought  to  a  sad 
end  last  evening  by  the  impertinent  curiosity  and  wicked 
doings  of  some  of  the  gentlemen  present  at  the  seance  at 
Congress  Hall. 

"As  usual,  one  of  the  company  present  was  selected  to 
sit  at  the  side  of  the  boy,  and  allowed  his  hand  and  arm 
to  be  held  by  both  hands  of  the  boy  while  the  manifesta 
tions  were  going  on.  The  boy  seized  hold  of  the  gentle 
man's  wrist  with  his  left  hand,  and  his  shoulder,  or  near 
it,  with  the  right  hand.  The  manifestations  then  began, 
and  among  them  was  one  trick  of  pulling  the  gentleman's 
hair. 

"Immediately  after  this  trick  was  performed,  the  hand 
of  the  boy  was  discovered  to  be  very  black  —  from  lamp 
black,  of  the  best  quality,  with  which  the  gentleman 
had  dressed  his  head  on  purpose  to  detect  whose  was  the 
'spirit-hand'  that  pulled  his  hair.  His  shirt-sleeve,  upon 
which  the  boy  immediately  replaced  his  hand  after  pull 
ing  his  hair,  was  also  black  where  the  hand  had  been 
placed.  The  gentleman  stated  the.  facts  to  the  company 
present,  and  the  seance  broke  up.  Dr.  Randall  refunded 
the  fifty  cents  admission  fee  to  those  present." 


The  spiritualists  of  the  city  were  somewhat 

J 

by  this  expose,  but  soon  rallied  as  one  of  their  number 
announced  a  new  discovery  in  spiritual  science.  Here 
it  is,  as  stated  by  himself: 

"  Whatever  the  electrical  or  '  spirit-hand  '  touches, 
will  inevitably  be  transferred  to  the  hand  of  the  medium 


148  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

in  every  instance,  unless  something  occurs  to  prevent 
the  full  operation  of  the  law  by  which  this  result  is  pro 
duced.  The  spirit- hand  being  composed  in  part  of  the 
magnetic  elements  drawn  from  the  medium,  when  it  is 
dissolved  again,  and  the  magnetic  fluid  returns  whence 
it  came,  it  must  of  necessity  carry  with  it  whatever  ma 
terial  substance  it  has  touched,  and  leave  it  deposited 
upon  the  surface  or  material  hand  of  the  medium.  This 
is  a  scientific  question.  How  many  innocent  mediums 
have  been  wronged  ?  and  the  invisible  have  permitted 
it,  until  we  should  discover  that  it  was  the  natural  re 
sult  of  a  natural  law." 

What  a  great  discovery  !  and  how  lucidly  it  is  set 
forth  !  The  author  (who,  by  the  way,  is  editor  of  the 
"  Portland  Evening  Courier")  of  this  new  discovery, 
was  not  so  modest  but  that  he  hastened  to  announce  and 
claim  full  credit  for  it  in  the  columns  of  the  "  Banner  of 
Light"  — -  the  editor  of  which  journal  congratulates  him 
on  having  done  so  much  for  the  cause  of  spiritualism  ! 
Those  skeptics  who  were  present  when  the  lamp-black 
was  "  transferred  "  from  the  gentleman's  hair  to  the  me 
dium's  hand,  rashly  concluded  that  the  boy  was  an  im 
postor.  It  remained  for  Mr.  Hall  —  that  is  the  philoso 
pher's  name  —  to  make  the  "  electro-magnetic  transfer  " 
discovery.  The  Allen  boy  ought  ever  to  hold  him  in 
grateful  remembrance  for  coming  to  his  rescue  at  such 
a  critical  period,  when  the  spirits  would  not  vouchsafe 
an  explanation  that  would  exculpate  him  from  the  griev 
ous  charge  of  imposture.  Mr.  Hall  deserves  a  leather 
medal  now,  and  a  soapstone  monument  when  he  is 
dead. 


THE    SPIRITUALISTS.  149 

A  person,  whose  initials  are  the  same  as  the  gentle 
man's  named  above,  once  lived  in  Aroostook,  Maine,  and 
was  in  the  habit  of  attending  "  spiritual  circles,"  in 
which  he  was  sometimes  influenced  as  a  "  personating 
medium,"  and  to  represent  the  symptoms  of  the  disease 
which  caused  the  controlling  spirit's  translation  to 
another  sphere.  It  having  been  reported  in  Aroostook 
that  a  certain  well-known  individual,  living  further  east, 
had  died  of  cholera,  a  desire  was  expressed  at  the  next 
"  circle  "  to  have  him  u  manifest  "  himself.  The  me 
dium  above  referred  to  got  "  under  influence,"  and  per 
sonated,  with  an  exhibition  of  all  the  symptoms  of 
cholera,  the  gentleman  who  was  reported  to  have  died 
of  that  disease.  So  faithful  to  the  supposed  facts  was 
the  representation,  that  the  medium  had  to  be  cared  for 
as  if  he  was  himself  a  veritable  cholera-patient.  Sev 
eral  days  after,  the  man  who  was  "  personated "  ap 
peared  in  Aroostook,  alive  and  well,  never  having  been 
attacked  with  the  cholera.  The  local  papers  gave  a 
graphic  account  of  the  "  manifestation "  soon  after  it 
occurred. 

But  to  return  to  the  Allen  boy.  After  his  exposure 
by  means  of  the  lamp-black  test,  and  Mr.  Hall,  of  the 
"  Portland  Evening  Courier,"  had  announced  his  new 
discovery  in  spiritual  science,  several  of  the  Portland  spir 
itualists  had  a  private  "  sitting  *'  with  the  boy.  While 
he  sat  with,  his  hands  upon  the  arm  of  one  of  their  num 
ber,  they  tied  a  rope  to  his  wrists,  and  around  the  per 
son's  arm,  covering  his  hands  in  the  way  I  have  be 
fore  described.  After  some  wriorffling  and  twistino* 

OO  £3  £3 

(the   usual   amount  of  u  nervousness,")    the  bell  was 


150  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

heard  to  ring  behind  the  clothes-horse.  The  boy's' 
right  hand  was  then  examined,  and  it  was  found  to  be 
stained  with  some  colored  matter  that  had  previously 
been  put  upon  the  handle  of  the  bell.  As  the  boy's 
wrists  were  still  tied,  and  the  rope  remained  upon  the 
man's  arm,  the  "  transfer  "  theory  was  considered  to  be 
established  as  a  fact,  and  the  previous  exposure  shown 
to  be  not  only  no  exposure  at  all,  but  a  "  stepping-stone 
to  a  grand  truth  in  spiritual  science."  Again  ami  again 
did  these  persistent  and  infatuated  spiritualists  try  what 
they  call  the  "  transfer  test,"  varying  with. each  exper 
iment  the  coloring-material  used,  and  every  time  the  bell 
was  rung  the  medium's  right  hand  was  found  out  to  be 
stained  with  what  had  been  put  upon  the  bell-handle. 
By  having  a  little  slack-rope  between  his  wrist  and  the 
man's  arm,  it  was  not  a  difficult  matter  for  the  medium, 
while  his  "  nervousness  "  was  beino-  manifested,  to  set 

r>  "  o 

hold  of  the  bell  and  ring  it,  and  to  make  sounds  upon  the 
strings  of  the  dulcimer  or  guitar,  with  a  drumstick  that 
the  "  manager  "  had  placed  at  a  convenient  distance 
from  his  (the  boy's)  hand. 

The  u  Portland  Daily  Press,"  in  noticing  a  lecture 
against  Spiritualism,  recently  delivered  by  Dr.  Von 
Vleck,  in  that  city,  says: — u  He  (Dr.  V.  V.)  per 
formed  the  principal  feats  of  the  Allen  boy,  with  his 
hands  tied  to  the  arm  of  the  person  with  whom  he  was 
in  communication." 

Horace  Greeley  says  that  if  a  man  will  be  a  consum 
mate  jackass  and  fool,  he  is  not  aware  of  anything  in 
the  Constitution  to  prevent  it.  I  believe  Mr.  Greeley 
is  right ;  and  I  think  no  one  can  reasonably  be  expect- 


THE   SPIRITUALISTS.  151 

ed  to  exercise  common  sense  unless  he  is  known  to  pos 
sess  it.  It  is  quite  natural,  therefore,  that  many  of  the 
spiritualists,  lacking  common  sense,  should  pretend  to 
have  something  better. 


III.  TRADE  AND  BUSINESS  IMPOSITIONS. 

CHAPTER    XVIII. 
ADULTERATIONS  OF    FOOD. ADULTERATIONS  OF  LIQUOR. 

—  THE  COLONEL'S  WHISKEY. —  THE  HUMBUGOMETER. 

It  was  about  eight  hundred  and  fifty  years  before 
Christ  when  the  young  prophet  cried  out  to  his  master, 
Elisha,  over  the  pottage  of  wild  gourds,  "  There  is 
death  in  the  pot !  "  It  was  two  thousand  six  hundred 
and  seventy  years  afterward,  in  1820,  that  Accum,  the 
chemist  cried  out  over  again,  "  There  is  death  in  the 
pot !  "  in  the  title  page  of  a  book  so  named,  which 
gave  almost  everybody  a  pain  in  the  stomach,  with  its 
horrid  stories  of  the  unhealthful  humbugs  sold  for  food 
and  drink.  This  excitement  has  been  stirred  up  more 
than  once  since  Mr.  Accum's  time,  with  some  success  ; 
yet  nothing  is  more  certain  than  that  a  very  large  pro 
portion  of  the  food  we  eat,  of  the  liquid  we  drink  — 
always  excepting  good  well-filtered  water  —  and  the 
medicines  we  take,  not  to  say  a  word  about  the  clothes 
we  wear  and  the  miscellaneous  merchandise  we  use, 
is  more  or  less  adulterated  with  cheaper  materials. 
Sometimes  these  are  merely  harmless;  as  flour,  starch, 
annatto,  lard,  etc.  ;  sometimes  they  are  vigorous,  de 
structive  poisons  —  as  red  lead,  arsenic,  strychnine,  oil 
of  vitriol,  potash,  etc. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  153 

It  is  not  agreeable  to  find  ourselves  so  thickly  beset 
by  humbugs  ;  to  find  that  we  are  not  merely  called  on 
to  see  them,  to  hear  them,  to  believe  them,  to  invest 
capital  in  them,  but  to  eat  and  drink  them.  Yet  so  it 
is  ;  and,  if  my  short  discussion  of  this  kind  of  humbug 
shall  make  people  a  little  more  careful,  and  help  them 
to  preserve  their  health,  I  shall  think  myself  fortunate. 

To  begin  with  bread.  Alum  is  very  commonly  put 
into  it  by  the  bakers,  to  make  it  white.  Flour  of  infe 
rior  quality,  "runny  "  flour,  and  even  that  from  wormy 
wheat  —  ground-up  worms,  bugs,  and  all  —  is  often 
mixed  in  as  much  as  the  case  will  bear.  Potato  flour 
has  been  known  to  be  mixed  with  wheat ;  and  so,  thirty 
years  ago,  were  plaster-of-Paris,  bone-dust,  white  clay, 
etc.  But  these  are  little  used  now,  if  at  all  ;  and  the 
worst  thing  in  bread,  aside  from  bad  flour,  which  is  bad 
enough,  is  usually  the  alum.  It  is  often  put  in  ready 
mixed  with  salt,  and  it  accomplishes  two  things,  viz., 
to  make  the  bread  white,  and  to  suck  up  a  good  deal 
of  water,  and  make  the  bread  weigh  well.  It  has  been 
sometimes  found  that  the  alum  was  put  in  at  the  mill 
instead  of  the  bakery. 

Milk  is  most  commonly  adulterated  with  cold  water  ; 
and  many  are  the  jokes  on  the  milkmen  about  their  best 
cow  being  choked  etc.,  by  a  turnip  in  the  pump-spout 
-  their  "  cow  with  the  wooden  tail  "  (i.  e.,  the  pump- 
handle,)  and  so  on.  Awful  stories  are  told  about  the 
London  milkmen,  who  are  said  to  manufacture  a  fear 
ful  kind  of  medicine  to  be  sold  as  milk,  the  cream  being 
made  of  a  quantity  of  calf's  brain  beaten  to  a  slime. 
Stories  are  told  around  New  York,  too,  of  a  mysteri- 
7* 


154  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

ous  powder  sold  by  druggists,  which  with  water  makes 
milk  ;  but  it  is  milk  that  must  be  used  quickly,  or  it 
turns  into  a  curious  mess.  But  the  worst  adulteration 
of  milk  is  to  adulterate  the  old  cow  herself;  as  is  done 
in  the  swill-milk  establishments  which  received  such  an 
exposure  a.  few  years  ago  in  a  city  paper.  This  milk  is 
still  furnished  ;  and  many  a  poor  little  baby  is  daily 
suffering  convulsions  from  its  effects.  So  difficult  is  it 
to  find  real  milk  for  babies  in  the  city,  that  physicians 
often  prescribe  the  use  of  what  is  called  "  condensed  " 
milk  instead  ;  which,  though  very  different  from  milk 
not  evaporated,  is  at  least  made  of  the  genuine  article. 
A  series  of  careful  experiments  to  develop  the  milk- 
humbug  was  made  by  a  competent  physician  in  Boston 
within  a  few  years,  but  he  found  the  milk  there  (aside 
from  swill-milk)  adulterated  with  nothing  worse  than 

f  O 

water,  salt,  and  burnt  sugar. 

Tea  is  bejuggled  first  by  John  Chinaman,  who  is  a 
very  cunning  rascal  ;  and  second,  by  the  seller  here. 
Green  and  black  tea  are  ma:le  from  the  same  plant,  but 
by  different  processes  —  the  green  being  most  expensive. 
To  meet  the  increased  demand  for  green  tea,  Master 
John  takes  immense  quantities  of  black  tea  and  "  paints  " 
it,  by  stirring  into  it  over  a  fire  a  fine  powder  of  plaster 
Paris  and  Prussian-blue,  at  the  rate  of  half  a  pound  to 
each  hundred  pounds  of  tea.  John  also  sometimes 
takes  a  very  cheap  kind,  and  puts  on  a  nice  gloss  by  stir 
ring  it  in  gum-water,  with  some  stove-polish  in  it.  We 
may  imagine  ourselves,  after  drinking  this  kind  of  tea, 
with  a  beautiful  black  gloss  on  ourinsides.  John  more 
over,  manufactures  vast  quantities  of  what  he  plainly 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  155 

calls  "  Lie-tea/'  This  is  dust  and  refuse  of  tea-leaves 
and  other  leaves,  made  up  with  dust  and  starch  or  gum 
into  little  lumps,  and  used  to  adulterate  better  tea. 
Seven  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  pounds  of  this  nice 
stuff  were  imported  into  England  in  one  period  of  eight 
een  months.  It  seems  to  be  used  in  New-York  only  for 
green  tea. 

Coffee  is  adulterated  with  chicory-root  (which  costs 
only  about  one-third  as  much)  —  dandelion-root,  peas, 
beans,  mangold-wurzel,  wheat,  rye,  acorns,  carrots,  pars 
nips,  horse-chestnuts,  and  sometimes  with  livers  of  horses 
and  cattle  !  All  these  things  are  roasted  or  baked  to  the 
proper  color  and  consistency,  and  then  mixed  in.  Xo 
great  sympathy  need  be  expended  on  those  who  suffer 
from  this  particular  humbug,  however  ;  for  when  it  is  so 
easy  to  buy  the  real  berry,  and  roast  or  at  least  grind  it 
one's  self,  it  is  our  own  fault  if  our  laziness  leaves  us  to 
eat  all  those  sorts  of  stuff. 

Cocoa  is  "  extended  "  with  sugar,  starch,  flour,  iron- 
rust,  Venetian-red,  grease,  and  various  earths.  But  it 
is  believed  by  pretty  good  authority  that  the  American- 
made  preparations  of  cocoa  are  nearly  or  quite  pure. 
Even  if  they  are  not  the  whole  bean  can  be  used  instead. 

Butter  and  lard  have  one  tenth,  and  sometimes  even 
one-quarter,  of  water  mixed  up  in  them.  It  is  easy  to 
find  this  out  by  melting  a  sample  before  the  fire  and 
putting  it  away  to  cool,  when  the  humbug  appears  by 
the  grease  going  up,  and  the  water,  perhaps  turbid  with 
whey,  settling  below. 

Honey  is  humbugged  with  sugar  or  molasses.  Sugar 
is  not  often  sanded  as  the  old  stories  have  it.  Fine 


156  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

white  sugar  is  sometimes  floured  pretty  well  ;  and 
brown  sugar  is  sometimes  made  of  a  portion  of  good 
sugar  with  a  cheaper  kind  mixed  in.  Inferior  brown 
sugars  are  often  full  of  a  certain  crab-like  animalcule 
or  minute  bug,  often  visible  without  a  microscope,  in 
water  where  the  sugar  is  dissolved.  It  is  believed  that 
this  pleasing  insect  sometimes  gets  into  the  skin,  and 
produces  a  kind  of  itch.  I  do  not  believe  there  is  much 
danger  of  adulteration  in  good  loaf  or  crushed  white 
sugar,  or  good  granulated  or  brown  sugar. 

Pepper  is  mixed  with  line  dust,  dirt,  linseed-meal, 
ground  rice,  or  mustard  and  wheat-flour;  ginger,  with 
wheat  flour  colored  by  turmeric  and  reinforced  by 
cayenne.  Cinnamon  is  sometimes  not  present  at  all  in 
what  is  so  called  —  the  stuff  being  the  inferior  and 
cheaper  cassia  bark  ;  sometimes  it  is  only  part,  cassia ; 
sometimes  the  humbug  part  of  it  is  flour  and  ochre. 
Cayenne-pepper  is  mixed  with  corn-meal  and  salt, 
Venetian-red,  mustard,  brickdust,  fine  sawdust,  and  red- 
lead.  Mustard  with  flour  and  turmeric.  Confectionery 
is  often  poisoned  with  Prussian-blue,  Antwerp-blue, 
gamboge,  ultramarine,  chrome  yellow,  red-lead,  white- 
lead,  vermillion,  Brunswick-green,  and  Scheele's  green, 
or  arsenite  of  copper  !  Never  buy  any  confectionery 
that  is  colored  or  painted.  Vinegar  is  made  of  whisky, 
or  of  oil  of  vitriol.  Pickles  have  verdigris  in  them  to 
make  them  a  pretty  green.  "  Pretty  green  "  he  must 
be  who  will  eat  bought  pickles  !  Preserved  fruits  often 
have  verdigris  in  them,  too. 

An  awful  list !  Imagine  a  meal  of  such  bewitched 
food,  where  the  actual  articles  are  named.  "  Take 


.TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  157 

some  of  the  alum  bread."  "  Have  a  cup  of  pea-soup 
and  chicory-coffee  ?  "  "  I'll  trouble  you  for  the  oil-of- 
vitriol,  if  you  please."  "  Have  some  sawdust  on  your 
meat,  or  do  you  prefer  this  flour  and  turmeric  mus 
tard  ?  "  "A  piece  of  this  verdigris-preserve  goose 
berry  pie,  Madam?"  "Won't  you  put  a  few  more 
sugar- bugs  in  your  ash-leaf  tea?"  "Do  you  prefer 
black  tea,  or  Prussian-blue  tea  ?  "  "  Do  you  like  your 
tea  with  swill-milk,  or  without  ?  " 

I  have  not  left  myself  space  to  speak  of  the  tricks 
played  by  the  druggists  and  the  liquor-dealers ;  but  I 
propose  to  devote  another  chapter  exclusively  to  the 
adulteration  of  liquors  in  this  country.  It  is  a  subject 
so  fearful  and  so  important  that  nothing  less  than  a  chap 
ter  can  do  it  justice.  I  must  now  end  with  a  story  or 
two  and  a  suggestion  or  two, 

Old  Colonel  P.  sold  much  whisky  ;  and  his  manner 
was  to  sell  by  sample  out  of  a  pure  barrel  over  night, 
at  3  marvelous  cheap  rate,  and  then  to  "  rectify  "  before 
"morning,  under  pretence  of  coopering  and  marking. 
Certain  persons  having  a  grudge  against  the  Colonel, 
once  made  an  arrangement  with  a  carman,  who  exe 
cuted  their  plan,  thus :  —  He  went  to  the  Colonel,  and 
asked  to  see  whisky.  The  jolly  old  fellow  took  him 
down  stairs  and  showed  him  a  great  cellar  full.  Car 
man  samples  a  barrel.  "  Fust  rate,  Colonel,  how  d'ye 
sell  it  ?  "  Colonel  names  his  price  on  the  rectified  ba 
sis.  "  Well,  Colonel,  how  much  yer  got  ?  "  "  So 
many  barrels  —  two  or  three  hundred."  "  Colonel, 
here's  your  money.  I'll  take  the  lot."  "  All  right," 
says  Colonel  P. ;  "  there's  some  coopering  to  be  done 


158  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

on  it ;  some  of  the  hoops  and  heads  are  a  very  little 
loose.  You  shall  have  it  all  in  the  mornino-."  "No, 

JT1 

Colonel,  we'll  roll  it  right  out  this  minnit  !  My  trucks 
are  up  there,  all  ready."  And,  sure  enough,  he  had 
a  string  of  a  dozen  or  more  brigaded  in  the  street.  The 
Colonel  was  sadly  dumbfounded;  he  turned  several 
colors  —  red  mostly — stammered,  made  excuses.  It 
was  no  go,  the  whisky  was  the  customer's,  and  the  game 
was  up.  The  humbugged  old  humbug  finally  "  came 
down,"  and  bought  his  man  off  by  paying  him  several 
hundred  dollars. 

There  is  a  much  older  and  better  known  story  about 
a  grocer  who  was  a  deacon,  and  who  was  heard  to  call 
down  stairs  before  breakfast,  to  his  clerk  :  "  John,  have 
you  watered  the  rum?  "  "  Yes,  Sir."  "  And  sanded 
the  sugar  ?  "  "  Yes,  Sir."  "  And  dusted  the  pep 
per  ?  "  "  Yes,  Sir."  "  And  chicoried  the  coffee  ?  " 
"Yes,  Sir."  "Then  come  up  to  prayers."  Let  us 
hope  that  the  grocers  of  the  present  day,  while  tl^ey 
adulterate  less,  do  not  pray  less. 

Between  1851  and  1854,  Mr.  Wakley  of  the  "  Lon 
don  Lancet  "  gave  an  awful  roasting  to  the  adulteration- 
interest  in  London.  He  employed  an  able  analyzer, 
who  began  by  going  about  without  telling  what  he  was 
at;  and  buying  a  great  number  of  samples  of  all  kinds 
of  food,  drugs,  etc.,  at  a  great  number  of  shops.  Then 
he  analyzed  them  ;  and  when  he  found  humbug  in  any 
sample,  he  published  the  facts,  and  the  seller's  name 
and  place  of  business.  It  may  be  imagined  what  a  ter 
rible  row  this  kicked  up.  Very  numerous  and  violent 
threats  were  made  ;  but  the  "  Lancet,"  was  never  once 
sued  by  any  of  the  aggrieved,  for  it  had  told  the  truth. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  159 

Perhaps  some  discouraged  reader  may  ask,  What 
can  I  eat?  Well,  I  don't  pretend  to  direct  people's 
diet.  Ask  your  doctor,  if  you  can't  find  out.  But  I 
will  surest  that  there  are  a  few  thin 0-3  that  can't  be 

oo  o 

adulterated.  You  can't  adulterate  an  egg,  nor  an  oys 
ter,  nor  an  apple,  nor  a  potato,  nor  a  salt  codfish  ;  and 
if  they  are  spoiled  they  will  notify  you  themselves  !  and 
when  good,  they  are  all  good  healthy  food.  In 
short,  one  good  safeguard  is,  to  use,  as  far  as  you  can, 
things  with  their  life  in  them  when  you  buy  them, 
whether  vegetable  or  animal.  The  next  best  rule 
against  these  adulteration-humbugs  is,  to  buy  goods 
crude  instead  of  manufactured  ;  coffee,  and  pepper,  and 
spices,  etc.,  whole  instead  of  ground,  for  instance. 
Thus,  though  you  give  more  work,  you  buy  purity  with 
it.  And  lastly,  there  are  various  chemical  processes, 
and  the  microscope,  to  detect  adulterations ;  and  milk, 
in  particular,  may  always  be  tested  by  a  lactometer, —  a 
simple  little  instrument  which  the  milkmen  use,  which 
costs  a  few  shillings,  and  which  tells  the  story  in  an  in 
stant.  It  is  a  glass  bulb,  with  a  stem  above  and  a  scale 
on  it,  and  a  weight  below.  In  good  average  milk,  at 
sixty  degrees  of  heat,  the  lactometer  floats  at  twenty  on 
its  scale  ;  and  in  poorer  milk,  at  from  that  figure  down. 
If  it  floats  at  fifteen,  the  milk  is  one-fourth  water;  if 
at  ten,  one  half. 

It  would  ba  a  wonderful  thing  for  mankind  if  some 
philosophic  Yankee  would  contrive  some  kind  of  "  oin- 
eter  "  that  would  measure  the  infusion  of  humbug  in 
anything.  A  "  Humbugometer  "  he  might  call  it.  I 
would  warrant  him  a  good  sale. 


160  HUMBUGS    OF    THE      WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

ADULTERATIONS     IN     DRINKS. RIDING    HOME     ON    YOUR 

WINE-BARREL. LIST     OF     THINGS     TO    MAKE    RUM. 

THINGS    TO     COLOR    IT    WITH. CANAL-BOAT    HASH. 

ENGLISH     ADULTERATION    LAW. EFFECTS     OF    DRUGS 

USED. HOW  TO  USE  THEM. BUYING  LIQUORS  UNDER 

THE  CUSTOM-HOUSE  LOCK. A  HOMOEOPATHIC  DOSE. 

As  long  as  the  people  of  the  United  States  tipple 
down  rum  and  other  liquors  at  the  rate  of  a  good  deal 
more  than  one  hundred  million  gallons  a  year,  besides 
what  is  imported  and  what  is  called  imported —  as  long 
as  they  pay  for  their  tippling  a  good  deal  more  than  fif 
ty  millions,  and  probably  over  a  hundred  millions  of  dol 
lars  a  year —  so  long  it  will  be  a  great  object  to  manu 
facture  false  liquors,  and  sell  them  at  the  price  of  true 
ones.  When  liquor  of  good  quality  costs  from  four  to 
fifteen  dollars  a  gallon,  and  an  imitation  can  be  had 
that  tastes  just  as  good,  and  has  just  as  much  "jizm"  in 
it, —  and  probably  a  good  deal  more, —  for  from  twenty- 
five  cents  to  one  dollar  a  gallon,  somebody  will  surely 
make  and  sell  that  imitation. 

Adulterating  and  imitating  liquors  is  a  very  large  bu 
siness  ;  and  I  don't  know  of  anybody  who  will  deny 
that  this  particular  humbug  is  very  extensively  culti 
vated.  There  are  a  great  many  people,  however,  who 
will  talk  about  it  as  they  do  in  Western  towns  about 
fever  and  ague :  "  We  don't  do  anything  of  the  kind 
here,  but  those  other  people  over  there  do  !  " 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  161 

There  is  very  little  pure  liquor,  either  malt  or  spirit 
uous,  to  be  obtained  in  any  way.  The  more  you  pay 
for  it,  as  a  rule,  the  more  the  publican  gains,  but  what 
you  drink  is  none  the  purer.  Importing  don't  help 
you.  Port  is  —  or  used  to  be,  for  very  little  is  now 
made,  comparatively  —  imitated  in  immense  quantities 
at  Oporto ;  and  in  the  log-wood  trade,  the  European 
wine-makers  competed  with  the  dyers.  It  is  a  London 
proverb,  that  if  you  want  genuine  port-wine,  you  have 
got  to  go  to  Oporto  and  make  your  own  wine,  and  then 
ride  on  the  barrel  all  the  way  home.  It  is  perhaps 
possible  to  get  pure  wine  in  France  by  buying  it  at  the 
vineyard  ;  but  if  any  dealer  has  had  it,  give  up  the 
idea  ! 

As  for  what  is  done  this  side  of  the  water,  now  for 
it.  I  do  not  rely  upon  the  old  work  of  Mr.  "  Death-in- 
the-pot  Accum,"  printed  some  thirty  years  ago,  in  Eng 
land.  My  statements  come  mostly  from  a  .New  York 
book  put  forth  within  a  few  years  by  a  New  York  man, 
whose  name  is  now  in  the  Directory,  and  whose  busi 
ness  is  said  to  consist  to  a  great  extent  in  furnishing 
one  kind  or  another  of  the  queer  stuff  he  talks  about, 
to  brewers,, or  distillers,  or  wine  and  brandy  merchants. 

This  gentleman,  in  a  sweet  alphabetical  miscellany 
of  drugs,  herbs,  minerals,  arid  groceries  commonly  used 
in  manufacturing  our  best  Old  Bourbon  whisky,  Swan 
gin,  Madeira  wine,  pale  ale,  London  brown  stout,  Heid- 
sieck,  Cliquot,  Lafitte,  and  other  nice  drinks ;  names 
the  chief  of  such  ingredients  as  follows  : 

Aloes,  alum,  calamus  (flag-root)  capsicum,  cocculus 
indicus,  copperas,  coriander-seed,  gentian-root,  ginger, 


162  HUMBUGS    OF   THE  WORLD. 

grains-of-paradise,  honey,  liquorice,  logwood,  molasses, 
onions,  opium,  orange-peel,  quassia,  salt,  stramonium- 
seed  (deadly  nightshade),  sugar  of  lead,  sulphite  of 
soda,  sulphuric  acid,  tobacco,  turpentine,  vitriol,  yarrow. 
I  have  left  strychnine  out  of  the  list,  as  some  persons 
have  doubts  about  this  poison  ever  being  used  in  adul 
terating  liquors.  A  wholesale  liquor-dealer  in  New 
York  city,  however,  assures  me  that  more  than  one-half 
the  so-called  whisky  is  poisoned  with  it. 

Besides  these  twenty-seven  kinds  of  rum,  here  come 
twenty-three  more  articles,  used  to  put  the  right  color 
to  it  when  it  is  made  ;  by  making  a  soup  of  one  or 
another,  and  stirring  it  in  at  the  right  time.  I  alpha 
bet  these,  too  :  alkanet-root,  annatto,  barwood,  black 
berry,  blue-vitriol,  brazil-wood,  burnt  sugar,  cochineal, 
elderberry,  garancine  (an  extract  of  madder),  indigo, 
Nicaragua-wood,  orchil,  pokeberry,  potash,  quercitron, 
red  beet,  red  cabbage,  red  carrots,  saffron,  sanders-wood, 
turmeric,  whortleberry. 

In  all,  in  both  lists,  just  fifty.  There  are  more,  how 
ever.  But  that's  enough.  Now  then,  my  friend,  what 
did  you  drink  this  morning  ?  You  called  it  Bourbon, 
or  Cognac,  or  Old  Otard,  very  likely,  but  v^hat  was  it  ? 
The  "  glorious  uncertainty  "  of  drinking  liquor  under 
these  circumstances  is  enough  to  make  a  man's  head 
swim  without  his  getting  drunk  at  all.  There  might, 
perhaps,  be  found  a  consolation  like  that  of  the  Western 
traveller  about  the  hash.  "  When  I  travel  in  a  canal- 
boat  or  steam-boat,"  quoth  this  brave  and  stout-stom 
ached  man,  "I  always  eat  the  hash,  because  then  I 
know  what  I've  got !  " 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  163 

It  was  a  good  many  years  ago  that  the  Parliament 
of  England  found  it  necessary  to  make  a  law  to  pre 
vent  sophisticating  malt  liquors.  Here  is  the  list  of 
things  they  forbid  to  put  into  beer  :  "  molasses,  honey, 
liquorice,  vitriol,  quassia,  cocculus  indicus,  grains-of-par- 
adise,  Guinea-pepper,  opium."  The  penalty  was  one 
thousand  dollars  fine  on  the  brewer,  and  two  thousand 
five  hundred  dollars  on  the  druggist  who  supplied  him. 

I  know  of  no  such  law  in  this  country.  The  theory 
of  our. government  leaves  people  to  take  care  of  them 
selves  as  much  as  possible.  But  now  let  us  see  what 
some  of  these  fifty  ingredients  will  do.  Beets  and  car 
rots,  honey  and  liquorice,  orange-peel  and  molasses,  will 
not  do  much  harm  ;  though  I  should  think  tipplers 
would  prefer  them  as  the  customer  at  the  eating-house 
preferred  his  flies,  "  on  a  separate  plate."  But  the 
case  is  different  with  cocculus  indicus,  and  stramonium, 
and  sulphuric  acid,  and  sugar  of  lead,  and  the  like.  I 
take  the  following  accounts,  so  far  as  they  are  medical, 
from  a  standard  work  by  Dr.  Dunglison  : —  Aloes  is  a 
cathartic.  Cocculus  indicus  contains  picrotoxin,  which 
is  an  u  acrid  narcotic  poison  ;  "  from  five  to  ten  grains 
will  kill  a  stroii"1  doo-.  The  boys  often  call  it  "  cockle- 

£>  &  •/ 

cinders  ;  "  they  pound  it  and  mix  it  in  dough,  and  throw 
it  into  the  water  to  catch  fish.  The  poor  fish  eat  it, 
soon  become  delirious,  whirling  and  dancing  furiously 
about  on  the  top  of  the  water,  and  then  die.  Copperas 
tends  to  produce  nausea,  vomiting,  griping,  and  purg 
ing.  Grains- of-paradise,  a  large  kind  of  cardamom,  is 
"  strongly  heating  and  carminative"  (i.  e.,  anti-flatu 
lent  and  anti-spasmodic.)  Opium  is  known  well  enough. 


164  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Stramonium-seed  would  seem  to  have  been  made  on 
purpose  for  the  liquor  business.  In  moderate  doses  it 
is  a  powerful  narcotic,  producing  vertigo,  headache, 
dimness  or  perversion  of  vision  (i.  e.,  seeing  double) 
and  confusion  of  thought.  (N.  B.  What  else  does  li 
quor  do  ?)  In  larger  doses  (still  like  liquor,)  you  ob 
tain  these  symptoms  aggravated ;  and  then  a  delirium, 
sometimes  whimsical  (snakes  in  your  boots)  and  some 
times  furious,  a  stupor,  convulsions,  and  death.  A  fine 
drink  this  stramonium  ?  Sugar  of  lead  is  what  is  called 
a  cumulative  poison  ;  having  the  quality  of  remaining 
in  the  system  when  taken  in  small  quantities,  and  piling 
itself  up,  as  it  were,  until  there  is  enough  to  accom 
plish  something,  when  it  causes  debility,  paralysis,  and 
other  things.  Sulphuric  acid  is  strongly  corrosive, —  a 
powerful  caustic,  attacking  the  teeth,  even  when  very 
dilute;  eating  up  flesh  and  bones  alike  when  strong 
enough  ;  and,  if  taken  in  a  large  enough  dose,  an  aw 
fully  tearing  and  agonizing  fatal  poison. 

The  way  to  use  these  delectable  nutriments  is  in  part 
as  follows:  —  Stir  a  little  sulphuric  acid  into  your  beer. 
This  will  give  you  a  fine  "  old  ale  "  in  about  a  quarter 
of  a  minute.  Take  a  mixture  of  alum,  salt,  and  cop 
peras,  ground  fine,  and  stir  into  your  beer,  and  this  will 
make  it  froth  handsomely.  Cocculus  indicus,  tobacco- 
leaves,  and  stramonium,  cooked  in  the  beer,  etc.,  give 
it  force.  Potash  is  sometimes  stirred  into  wine  to  cor 
rect  acidity.  Sulphite  of  soda  is  now  very  commonly 
stirred  into  cider,  tp  keep  it  from  fermenting  further. 
Sugar  of  lead  is  stirred  into  wines  to  make  them  clear, 
and  to  keep  them  sweet.  And  so  on,  through  the 
whole  long  list. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  165 

It  is  a  curious  instance  of  people's  quiet  acknowledg 
ment  of  their  own  foolishness,  that  a  popular  form  of 
the  invitation  to  take  a  drink  is,  "  Come  and  h'ist  in 
some  pizen  !  " 

I  know  of  no  plan  by  which  anybody  can  be  sure  of 
obtaining  pure  liquor  of  any  description.  Some  persons 
always  purchase  their  wines  and  liquors  while  they  are 
under  the  custom-house  lock  and  consequently  before 
they  have  reached  the  hands  of  the  importer.  Yet 
there  are  scores  of  men  in  New  York  and  Philadelphia 
who  have  made  large  fortunes  by  sending  whisky  to 
France,  there  refining,  coloring,  flavoring,  and  doctor 
ing  it,  then  re-shipping  it  to  New  York  as  French  bran 
dy,  paying  the  duty,  and  selling  it  before  it  has  left  the 
custom-house  !  There  is  a  locality  in  France  where  a 
certain  brand  of  wine  is  made.  It  is  adulterated  with 
red-lead,  and  every  year  more  or  less  of  the  inhabi 
tants  of  that  locality  are  attacked  with  u  lead-colic," 
caused  by  drinking  this  poisoned  wine  right  at  the 
fountain-head  where  it  is  made.  There  is  more  bogus 
champagne  drank  in  any  one  year,  in  the  city  of  Paris 
alone,  than  there  is  genuine  champagne  made  in  any 
one  year  in  the  world.  America  ordinarily  consumes 
more  so-called  champagne  annually  than  is  made  in  the 
world,  and  yet  nearly  all  the  genuine  champagne  in  the 
world  is  taken  by  the  courts  of  Europe.  The  genuine 
Hock  wine  made  at  Johannisberg  on  the  Rhine  is  worth 
three  dollars  per  bottle  by  the  large  quantity,  and 
nearly  all  of  it  is  shipped  to  Russia ;  yet,  at  any  of  the 
hotels  in  the  village  of  Johannisberg,  within  half  a  mile 
from  the  wine-presses  of  the  pure  article,  you  can  be 


166  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WOULD. 

supplied  for  a  dollar  per  bottle  with  what  purports  to 
be  the  genuine  Hock  wine.  Since  chemistry  has  en 
abled  liquor  dealers  to  manufacture  any  description  of 
wine  or  liquor  for  twenty-five  cents  to  a  dollar  a  gallon, 
there  are  annually  made  and  sold  thousands  of  gallons 
of  wine  and  brandy  that  never  smelt  a  grape. 

Suppose  a  wholesale  liquor-merchant  imports  genu 
ine  brandy.  He  usually  "  rectifies  "  and  adulterates 
it  by  adding  eighty-five  gallons  of  pure  spirits  (refined 
whisky,)  to  fifteen  gallons  of  brandy,  to  give  it  a  fla 
vor  ;  then  colors  and  "  doctors"  it,  and  it  is  ready  for 
sale.  Suppose  an  Albany  wholesale-dealer  purchases, 
for  pure  brandy,  ten  pipes  of  this  adulterated  brandy 
from  a  New  York  importer.  The  Albany  man  imme 
diately  doubles  his  stock  by  adding  an  equal  quantity 
of  pure  spirits.  There  are  then  seven  and  a  half  gal 
lons  of  brandy  in  a  hundred.  A  Buffalo  liquor-dealer 
buys  from  the  Albany  man,  and  he  in  turn  adds  one- 
half  pure  spirits.  The  Chicago  dealer  buys  from  the 
Buffalo  dealer,  and  as  nearly  all  spirit-dealers  keep 
large  quantities  of  pure  spirits  on  hand,  and  know  how 
to  use  it,  he  again  doubles  the  quantity  of  his  brandy 
by  adding  pure  spirits ;  and  the  Milwaukee  liquor- 
dealer  does  the  same,  after  purchasing  from  the  Chica 
go  man.  So,  in  the  ordinary  course  of  liquor  transac 
tions,  by  the  time  a  hundred  gallon  pipe  of  pure  brandy 
reaches  Wisconsin,  at  a  cost  of  five  or  perhaps  ten  dol 
lars  per  gallon,  ninety-nine  gallons  and  one  pint  of  it  is 
the  identical  whisky  that  was  shipped  from  Wisconsin 
the  same  year  at  fifty  cents  per  gallon.  Truly  a  hom 
oeopathic  dose  of  genuine  brandy  !  And  even  that 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  167 

whisky  when  it  left  Wisconsin  was  only  half  whisky  ; 
for  there  are  men  in  the  whisky-making  States  who 
make  it  a  business  to  take  whisky  direct  from  the  dis 
tillery,  add  to  it  an  equal  quantity  of  .water,  and  then 
brini^  it  up  to  a  bead  and  the  power  of  intoxication,  by 
mixing  in  a  variety  of  the  villainous  drugs  and  deadly 
poisons  enumerated  in  this  chapter.  The  annual  loss 
of  strength,  health,  and  life  caused  by  the  adulteration 
of  liquor  is  truly  appalling.  Those  who  have  not  ex 
amined  the  subject,  can  form  no  just  estimate  of  the 
atrocious  and  extensive  effects  of  this  murderous  hum 
bug. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

THE  PETER  FUNKS  AND    THEIR  FUNCTIONS. THE  RURAL 

DIVINE    AND     THE    WATCH. RISE  AND     PROGRESS  OF 

MOCK  AUCTIONS. THEIR  DECLINE  AND    FALL. 

Not  many  years  ago,  a  dignified  and  reverend  man, 
whose  name  is  well  known  to  me,  was  walking  sedately 
down  Broadway.  He  was  dressed  in  clerical  garb  of 
black  garments  and  white  neckcloth.  He  was  a  man  of 
great  learning,  profound  thought,  long  experience, 
unaffected  piety,  and  pure  and  high  reputation. 

All  at  once,  a  kind  of  chattering  shout  smote  him  fair 
in  the  left  ear  : 

"  Narfnarfnarf !  Three  shall  I  have  ?  Narfnarfnarf- 
narfnarf !  Goinjr  at  two  and  a  half!  Gone  !  !  " 

O 

And  the  grave  divine,  pausing,  beheld  a  doorway, 


168  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

over  which  waved  a  little  red  flag.  Within,  a  compa 
ny  of  eager  bidders  thronged  around  an  auctioneer's 
stand ;  and  the  auctioneer  himself,  a  well-dressed  man 
with  a  highly  respectable  look,  was  just  handing  over 
to  the  delighted  purchaser  a  gold  watch. 

"  It  would  be  cheap  at  one  hundred  dollars,"  said  lie, 
in  a  despondent  tone.  "  It's  mere  robbery  to  sell  it  for 
that  price.  I'd  buy  it  myself  if  'twas  legal." 

And  while  the  others,  with  exclamations  of  surprise 
and  congratulation,  crowded  to  see  this  famous  purchase, 
and  the  buyer  exhibited  it  with  a  joyful  countenance 
close  by  the  door,  the  divine,  just  out  of  curiosity,  step 
ped  in.  He  owned  no  watch  ;  he  was  a  country  clergy 
man,  and  poor  in  this  world's  goods  ;  so  poor  that,  to  use 
a  familiar  phrase,  "  if  steamboats  were  selling  at  a  dime 
a  piece,  he  would  hardly  be  able  to  buy  a  gang-plank." 
But  what  if  he  could,  by  good  luck,  buy  a  good  gold 
watch  for  two  dollars  and  a  half  in  this  wonderful  city  ! 

Somehow,  that  watch  was  snapped  open  and  closed 
a^ain  right  under  his  ministerial  nose  about  six  times. 

v"7>  c5 

The  auctioneer  held  up  another  of  exactly  the  same 
kind,  and  began  to  chatter  again. 

"  Now  gentlemen,  what  'moffered  f'this  first-class 
M.  I.  Tobias  gold  English  lever  watch  —  full  jeweled, 
compensation-balance,  anchor-escapement,  hunting  case  ? 
One,  did  I  hear  ?  Say  two  cents,  wont  yer  ?  Two  and 
a  half!  narfnarfnarfnarfnarf  and  a  half!  Two  and  a 
half,  and  three  quarters.  Thank  you,  Sir,"  to  a  sailor- 
like  man  in  the  corner. 

"  Three,"  said  a  tall  and  well-dressed  young  gentle 
man  with  short  hair,  near  the  clergyman,  adding,  in  an 
undertone,  "  I  can  sell  it  for  fifty  this  afternoon." 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  169 

"  Three  I  am  offered,"  says  Mr.  Auctioneer,  and 
chattered  on  as  before  :  "  And  a  half,  did  you  say,  Sir  ? 
Thank  you,  Sir.  And  a  halfnarfnarf !  " 

The  reverend  divine  had  said,  "  And  a  half."  The 
Peter  Funks  had  got  him !  But  he  didn't  find  it 

O 

out  quite  yet.  The  bidding  was  run  up  to  four  dol 
lars  ;  the  clergyman  took  the  watch,  opened  and  exam 
ined  it ;  was  convinced,  handed  it  back,  ventured 
another  half,  and  the  watch  was  knocked  down  to  him. 
The  auctioneer  fumbled  in  some  papers,  and,  in  a 
moment,  handed  him  his  bargain  neatly  done  up. 

"  This  way  to  the  clerk's  office  if  you  please,  Sir,"  he 
added,  with  a  civil  bow.  The  clergyman  passed  a  little 
further  in ;  and  while  the  sales  proceeded  behind  him, 
the  clerk  made  out  a  bill  and  proffered  it. 

"  Fifty-four  dollars  and  a  half!  "  read  the  country 
divine,  astounded.  "  Four  and  a  half  is  what  I  bid  !  " 
"Four  and  a  half!"  exclaimed  the  clerk,  with 
sarcastic  indignation  ;  u  Four  dollars  and  a  half !  A 
pretty  story  !  A  minister  to  have  the  face  to  say  he 
could  buy  an  M.  I.  Tobias  gold  watch,  full  jeweled, 
for  four  dollars  and  a  half !  Ill  thank  you  for  the 
money,  Sir.  Fifty-four,  fifty,  if  you  please." 

The  auctioneer,  as  if  interrupted  by  the  loud  tones 
of  the  indignant  clerk,  stopped  the  sale  to  see  what  was 
the  matter.  On  hearing  the  statement  of  the  two  par 
ties,  he  cast  a  glance  of  angry  contempt  upon  the  poor 
clergyman,  who,  by  this  time,  was  uneasy  enough  at 
their  scowling  faces.  Then,  as  if  relenting,  he  said  half- 
sneeringly  : 

"  I  don't  think  you  look  very  well  in  this  business, 
8 


170  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Sir.  But  you  are  evidently  a  clergyman,  and  we  wish 
everybody  to  have  fair  treatment  in  this  office.  We 
won't  be  imposed  upon,  Sir,  by  any  man  !  "  (Here  his 
face  darkened,  and  his  fists  could  be  seen  to  clench  with 
much  meaning.)  "  Pay  that  money,  Sir  !  This  es 
tablishment  is  not  to  be  humbugged.  But  you  needn't 
be  afraid  of  losing  anything.  You  may  let  me  take  the 
watch  and  sell  it  for  you  again  on  the  spot.  Very  like 
ly  you  can  get  more  for  it.  You  can't  lose.  The  cler 
gyman  hesitated.  The  tall  and  well-dressed  young  man 
with  short  hair  pushed  up  and  said  : 

"Don't  want  it?  Put  her  up  again.  G — !  I'd  like 
another  chance  myself!  " 

A  heavily-built  fellow  with  one  eye,  observed  over 
the  auctioneer's  shoulder,  with  an  evil  look  at  the 
divine,  "  D — d  if  I  don't  believe  that  cuss  is  a  gambler, 
come  in  here  to  fool  us  country-folks.  They  allus  wears 
white  neckcloths.  I  say,  search  him  and  boot  him  out 
of  the  shop  !  " 

u  Hold  your  tongue !  "  answered  the  auctioneer, 
with  dignity.  "  I  will  see  you  safe,  Sir,"  to  the  cler 
gyman.  But  you  bid  that  money,  and  you  must  pay 
it.  We  can't  do  this  business-  on  any  other  principles." 

"  You  will  sell  it  for  me  again  at  once  ?  "  asked  the 
poor  minister. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  mollified  auctioneer.  And  the 
humbugged  divine,  with  an  indistinct  sense  of  something 
wrong,  but  not  able  to  tell  what,  took  out  forty  dollars 
from  his  lean  wallet  and  handed  it  to  the  clerk. 

"  It's  all  I  have  to  get  home  with,"  he  said,  simply. 

"  Never  fear,  old  gentleman,"  said  the  clerk,  affably  ; 
"  You'll  be  all  right  in  two  minutes." 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  171 

The  watch  was  put  up  again.  The  clergyman,  scarce 
able  to  believe  his  ears,  heard  it  rapidly  run  up  to  sixty 
dollars  and  knocked  down  at  that  price.  The  cash  was 
handed  to  the  clerk,  and  another  bill  made  out ;  ten 
per  cent.,  deducted,  commission  on  sales.  "  Usual 
terms,  Sir,''  observed  the  clerk,  handing  over  the  notes 
just  received  for  the  watch.  And  the  divine,  very 
thankful  to  get  off  for  half  a  dollar,  hurried  off  as  fast 
as  he  could. 

I  need  not  say  that  his  fifty -four  dollars  was  all  coun 
terfeit  money.  When  he  went  next  morning,  after  en 
deavoring  in  vain  to  part  with  his  new  funds,  to  find 
the  place  where  he  had  been  humbugged,  it  was  close 
shut,  and  he  could  hardly  identify  even  the  door 
way.  He  went  to  the  police,  and  the  shrewd  captain 
told  him  that  it  was  a  difficult  business ;  but  sent  an 
officer  with  him  to  look  up  the  rascals.  Officer  found 
one ;  demanded  redress  ;  clergyman  did  the  same. 
Rascal  asked  clergyman's  name  ;  got  it ;  told  him  he 
could  prosecute  if  he  liked.  Clergyman  looked  at 
officer  ;  officer,  with  indifference,  observed  : 

"  Means  to  stick  your  name  in  the  papers." 

Clergyman  said  he  would  take  further  advice  ;  did 
take  it ;  thought  he  wouldn't  be  shown  up  as  a  "  greeny  " 
in  the  police  reports  ;  borrowed  money  enough  to  get 
home  with,  and  if  he  has  a  gold  watch  now  —  which 
I  really  hope  he  has  —  got  it  either  for  its  real  value,  or 
as  a  "  testimonial." 

There,  that  (with  many  variations)  is  the  whole  sto 
ry  of  Peter  Funk.  These  "  mock  auctioneers,"  some 
times,  as  in  the  case  I  have  mentioned,  take  advantage 


172  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

of  the  respectability  of  their  victims,'sometimes  of  their 
haste  to  leave  the  city  on  business.  When  they  could 
not  possibly  avoid  it,  they  disgorged  their  prey.  No 
instance  is  known  to  me  of  any  legal  penalty  being  in 
flicted  on  them  by  a  magistrate  ;  but  they  were  always, 
until  1862,  treated  by  police,  by  magistrate,  and  by 
mayor,  just  as  thieves  would  be  who  should  always  be 
let  off  on  returning  their  stealings  ;  so  that  they  could 
not  lose  by  thieving,  and  might  gain. 

These  rascally  mock-auctioneers,  thus  protected  by 
the  authorities,  used  to  fleece  the  public  out  of  not  less 
than  sixty  thousand  dollars  a  year.  One  of  them 
cleared  twelve  thousand  dollars  during  the  year  1861 
alone.  And  this  totally  shameless  and  brazen-faced 
humbug  flourished  in  New  York  for  twenty-five  years  ! 

About  the  first  day  of  June,  1862,  the  Peter  Funks 
had  eleven  dens,  or  traps,  in  operation  in  New  York  ; 
five  in  Broadway  below  Fulton  street,  and  the  others 
in  Park  row,  and  Courtlandt,  Greenwich,  and  Chat 
ham  streets. 

The  name,  Peter  Funk,  is  said  to  have  been  that  of 
the  founder  of  their  system  ;  but  I  know  nothing  more 
of  his  career.  At  this  date,  in  1862,  the  system  was  in 
a  high  state  of  organization  and  success,  and  included 
the  following  constituents  : 

1.  Eight  chief  Funks,  or  capitalists,   and  managers, 
whose   names   are  well   enough   known.     I  have   them 
on  record. 

2.  About  as   many   more  salesmen,  who   took    turns 
with  the  chiefs  in  selling  and  clerking. 

3.  Seventy    or  eighty,   rank  and   file,   or  ropers-in. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  173 

These  acted  the  part  of  buyers,  like  the  purchaser  whose 
delight  over  his  watch  helped  to  deceive  the  minister 
and  the  other  bidders  on  that  occasion.  These  fellows 
dressed  up  as  countrymen,  sailors,  and  persons  of  mis 
cellaneous  respectability.  They  bid  and  talked  when 
that  was  sufficient,  or  helped  the  managers  thrash  any 
troublesome  person,  if  necessary.  Once  m  a  long  time 
they  met  their  match ;  as,  for  instance,  when  the  mate 
of  a  ship  brought  up  a  squad  of  his  crew,  burst  into  one 
of  their  dens,  and  beat  and  battered  up  the  whole  gang 
writhin  an  inch  of  their  lives.  But,  in  most  cases,  the 
reckless  infamy  of  these  dregs  of  city  vice  gave  them 
an  immense  advantage  over  a  decent  citizen  ;  for  they 
could  not  be  defiled  nor  made  ridiculous,  and  he  could. 

4.  Two  or  three  traders  in  cheap  jewelry  and  fancy- 
goods   supplied  the    Funks  with  their   wares.      One  of 
these  fellows   used  to  sell   them  fifty  or  a  hundred  dol 
lars'  worth  of  this  trash  a   day;  and   he   lamented   as 
much   over  their  untimely  end  as  the   Ephesian   silver 
smiths  did  over  the  loss  of  their  trade  in  shrines. 

5.  A  lawyer   received  a  regular  salary   of  $1,200  a 
year  to  defend  all  the  Funk,  cases. 

6.  The   city  politicians,  in   office  and  out  of  it,  who 
were  wont  to  receive  the  aid  of  the  Funks  (a  very  en 
ergetic  cohort)  at  elections,  and  who  in  return  unscru 
pulously  used   both  power  and   influence   to  keep  them 
from  punishment. 

All  this  cunning  machinery  was  brought  to  naught 
and  New  York  relieved  of  a  shame  and  a  pest  by  the 
courage,  energy,  persverance,  and  good  sense  of  one 
Yankee  officer — Russell  Wells,  a  policeman.  Mr. 


174  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

Wells  took  about  six  months  to  finish  up  his  work.  He 
began  it  of  his  own  accord,  finding  that  the  spirit  of 
the  police  regulations  required  it ;  prosecuted  the  un 
dertaking  without  fear  or  favor,  finding  not  very  much 
support  from  the  judicial  authorities,  and  sometimes  act 
ual  and  direct  discouragement.  His  method  was  to 
mount  guard  over  one  auction  shop  at  a  time,  and  warn 
all  whom  lie  saw  going  in,  and  to  follow  up  all  complaints 
to  the  utmost  until  that  shop  was  closed,  when  he  laid 
siege  to  another.  Various  offers  of  money,  direct  and 
indirect,  were  made  him.  One  fellow  offered  him  $500 
to  walk  on  the  other  side  of  the  street.  Another  offered 
him  $1,000  to  drop  the  undertaking.  Another  hinted 
at  a  regular  salary  of  hush-money,  saying  4t  he  had  now 
got  these  fellows  where  he  could  make  as  much  out  of 
them  as  he  wanted  to,  right  along." 

Sometimes  they  threatened  him  with  "  murder  and 
sudden  death."  Several  times  they  got  out  an  injunc 
tion  upon  him,  and  several  times  sued  him  for  slander. 
One  of  their  complaints  charged,  with  ludicrous  hypoc 
risy,  that  the  defendant,  "  with  malicious  intent,  stood 
round  the  door  uttering  slanderous  charges  against  the 
good  name,  fame,  and  credit  of  the  defendant,"  just  as 
foolish  old  lawyers  used  to  argue  that  "  the  greater  the 
truth  the  greater  the  libel."  Sometimes  they  argued 
and  indignantly  denounced.  One  of  them  told  him, 
44  he  was  a  thief  and  a  murderer,  driving  men  out  of 
employment  whose  wives  and  children  depended  on 
their  business  for  support." 

Another  contended  that  their  business  was  just  as 
fair  as  that  of  the  stock-operators  in  Wall  street.  I 
fear  that  wasn't  making  out  much  of  a  case. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  175 

But  their  threats  were  idle  ;  their  suits,  and  prosecu 
tions,  and  injunctions,  never  came  to  a  head ;  their 
bribes  did  not  operate.  The  officer,  imperturbably  good- 
natured,  but  horribly  diligent,  watched,  and  warned, 
and  hunted,  and  complained,  and  squeezed  back  their 
money  at  the  rate  of  $500  or  $1,000  every  month, 
until  they  were  perfectly  sickened.  One  by  one  they 
shut  up  shop.  One  went  to  his  farm,  another  to  his 
merchandise,  another  to  emigrant  running,  another 
(known  by  the  elegant  surname  of  Blur-eye  Thomp 
son)  to  raising  recruits,  several  into  the  bounty  jumping 
business. 

Such  was  the  life  and  death  of  an  outrageous  hum 
bug  and  nuisance,  whose  like  was  not  to  be  found  in 
any  other  city  on  earth  ;  and  would  not  have  been  en 
dured  in  any  except  this  careless,  money-getting,  mis 
governed  one  of  New  York. 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

LOTTERY  SHARKS. —  BOULT    AND    HIS  BROTHERS. KEN 
NETH,    KIMBALL    AND     COMPANY. A     MORE     CENTRAL 

LOCATION  WANTED  FOR  BUSINESS. TWO  SEVENTEENTH- 
LIES. STRANGE  COINCIDENCE. 

I  have  before  me  a  mass  of  letters,  printed  and  litho 
graphed  circulars,  and  the  like,  which  illustrate  well 
two  or  three  of  the  most  foolish  and  vicious  swindles 
[it  is  wrong  to  call  them  humbugs]  now  extant.  They 
also  prove  that  there  are  a  good  many  more  fools  alive 


176  HUMBUGS    OF    THE      WORLD. 

in  our  Great  Republic  than  some  of  us  would   like  to 
admit. 

These  letters  and  papers  are  signed,  respectively,  by 
the  following  names :  Alexander  Van  Dusen  ;  Thomas 
Boult  &  Co.  ;  E.  F.  Mayo  ;  Geo.  P.  Harper  ;  Browne, 
Sherman  &  Co.  ;  Hammett  &  Co.  ;  Charles  A.  Her 
bert  ;  Geo.  C.  Kenneth  ;  T.  Seymour  &  Co.  ;  C.  W. 
White,  Purchasing  Agency  ;  C.  J.  Darlington  ;  B.  H. 
Robb  &  Co.  ;  James  Conway  ;  S.  B.  Goodrich  ;  Eger- 
ton  Brothers  ;  C.  F.  Miner  ;  E.  J.  Kimball ;  E.  A. 
Wilson  ;  and  J.  T.  Small. 

All  these  productions,  with  one  or  two  exceptions, 
are  dated  during  the  last  three  months  of  1864,  and 
January  1865.  They  are  mailed  from  a  good  many 
different  places,  and  addressed  to  respectable  people  in 
all  directions. 

In  particular,  should  be  noticed,  however,  two  lots 
of  them. 

The  first  lot  are  signed  either  by  Thomas  Boult  & 
Co.,  Hammett  &  Co.,  Egerton  Brothers,  or  T.  Sey 
mour  &  Co.  When  these  four  documents  are  placed 
together,  each  with  its  inclosure,  a  story  is  told  that 
seems  clear  enough  to  explain  itself  to  the  greenest  fool 
in  the  world. 

These  fellows  —  Boult  and  the  rest  of  them,  I  mean 
—  are  lottery  sharks.  Now,  those  who  buy  lottery  tick 
ets  are  very  silly  and  credulous,  or  very  lazy,  or  both. 
They  want  to  get  money  without  earning  it.  This 
foolish  and  vicious  wish,  however,  betrays  them  into 
the  hands  of  these  lottery  sharks.  I  wish  that  each  of 
these  poor  foolish,  greedy  creatures  could  study  on  this 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  177 

set  of  letters  awhile.  'Look  at  them.  You  see  that 
the  lithographed  handwriting  in  all  four  is  in  the  same 
hand.  You  observe  that  each  of  them  incloses  a  print 
ed  hand-bill  with  "  scheme,"  all  looking  as  like  as  so 
many  peas.  They  refer,  you  see,  to  the  same  u  Havana 
scheme,"  the  same  u  Shelby  College  Lottery,"  the 
same  fct  managers,"  and  the  same  place  of  drawing. 
Now,  see  what  they  say.  Each  knave  tells  his  fool  his 
only  object  is  to  put  said  fool  in  possession  of  a  hand 
some  prize,  so  that  fool  may  run  round  and  show  the 
money,  and  rope  in  more  fools.  What  an  ingenious 
way  to  make  the  fool  think  he  will  return  value  for  the 
prize  !  Each  knave  further  says  to  his  fool  (I  copy  the 
words  of  the  knave  from  his  lithograph  letter  :)  "  We 
are  so  certain  that  wre  know  how  to  select  a  lucky  cer 
tificate,  that  if  the  one  we  select  for  you  does  not,  at 
the  very  least,  draw  a  $5,000  prize,  we  will  "  —  what  ? 
Pay  the  money  ourselves  ?  Oh  no.  Knave  does  not 
offer  to  pay  half  of  it.  "  Will  send  you  another  pack 
age  in  one  of  our  extra  lotteries  for  nothing  !  " 

Observe  how  particularly  every  knave  is  to  tell  his 
fool  to  "  give  us  the  name  of  the  nearest  bank,"  so  that 
the  draft  for  the  prize-money  can  be  forwarded  instantly. 

And  in  return  for  all  this  kindness,  what  do  Messrs. 
Boult  and-so-forth  want  ?  Why,  almost  nothing.  ct  The 
ridiculously  small  sum,"  as  Mr.  Montague  Tigg  ob 
served  to  Mr.  Pecksniff,  of  $10.  You  observe  that 
Hammett  &  Co.,  in  one  circular,  demand  $20,  for  the 
same  $5,000  prize.  But  the  amount,  they  would  say,, 
is  too  trifling  to  be  so  particular  about ! 

I  will  suggest  a  form  for  answering  these 
8* 


178  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Let  every  one  of  my  readers  who  receives  one  of  their 
circulars  just  copy  and  date  and  sign,  and  send  them 
the  following  : 

"  GENTLEMEN  : — I  thank  you  for  your  great  kindness  in 
wishing  to  make  me  the  possessor  of  a  $5,000  prize  in 
your  truly  rich  and  splendid  Royal  Havana  Lottery.  I 
fully  believe  that  you  know,  as  you  say,  all  about  how  to 
get  these  prizes,  and  that  you  can  make  it  a  big  thing. 
But  I  cannot  think  of  taking  all  that  money  from  such 
kind  of  people  as  you.  I  must  insist  upon  your  having 
half  of  it,  and  I  will  not  hear  of  any  refusal,  I  therefore 
hereby  authorize  you  to  invest  for  me  the  trifle  of  $10, 
which  you  mention  ;  and  when  the  prize  is  drawn,  to  put 
half  of  it,  and  $10  over,  right  into  your  own  benevolent 
pantaloons-pocket,  and  to  remit  the  other  half  to  me,  ad 
dressed  as  follows  :  (Here  give  the  name  of  the  "  nearest 
bank.") 

"  I  have  not  the  least  fear  that  you  will  cheat  me  out 
of  my  half;  and,  as  you  see,  I  thus  place  myself  confi 
dently  in  your  hands.  With  many  thanks  for  your  great 
and  undeserved  kindness,  I  remain  your  obliged  and 
obedient  servant.  ETC.,  ETC." 

My  readers  will  observe  that  this  mode  of  replying 
affords  full  swing  to  the  expansive  charities  of  Boult 
and  his  brethren,  and  is  a  sure  method  of  saving  the 
expenditure  of  $10,  although  Boult  is  to  get  that 
amount  back  when  the  prize  is  drawn. 

I  charge  nothing  for  these  suggestions  ;  but  will  not 
be  so  discourteous  as  to  refuse  a  moderate  percentage  on 
all  amounts  received  in  pursuance  of  them  from  Brother 
Boult  &  Co. 

Here  is  the  second  special  lot  of  letters  I  spoke  of. 
I  lay  them  out  on  my  desk  as  before  :  There  are  six 
letters  signed  respectively  by  Kimball,  Goodrich,  Dar- 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  179 

lington,  Kenneth,  Harper,  and  Herbert.  Now  notice, 
first  the  form,  and  next  the  substance. 

As  to  form  —  they  are  all  written,  not,  lithograph- 
.  ed  ;  they  are  on  paper  of  the  same  make  and  size,  and 
out  of  the  same  lot,  as  you  observe  by  the  manufactur 
er's  stamp  —  a  representation  of  the  Capitol  in  the 
upper  corner.  They  are  in  the  same  hand,  an  easy 
legible  business-hand,  though  three  of  them  are  written 
with  a  backward  slope.  Those  who  sent  them  have  not 
sent  me  the  envelopes  with  them,  except  in  one  case, 
so  that  I  cannot  tell  where  they  were  mailed.  Neither 
is  any  one  of  them  dated  inside  at  any  town  or  post- 
office.  But,  by  a  wonderful  coincidence,  every  one  of 
them  is  dated  at  "  No.  17  Merchants'  Exchange."  A 
busy  mart  that  No.  17  must  be  !  And  it  is  a  still 
more  curious  coincidence  that  every  one  of  these  six 
industrious  chaps  has  been  unable  to  find  a  sufficiently 
central  location  for  transacting  his  business.  Every  let 
ter  you  see,  contains  a  printed  slip  advising  of  a  remov 
al,  as  follows  : 

"  REMOVAL. —  Desiring  a  more  central  location  for 
transacting  my  business,  I  have  removed  my  office  to 
No.  17  Merchants  Exchange."  Where  ?  One  savs  to 

O  «/ 

West  Troy,  New  York;  another  to  Patterson,  New 
Jersey  ;  another  to  Bronxville,  New  York  ;  another,  to 
Salem,  New- York,  and  so  on  !  It  is  a  new  thing  to  find 
how  central  all  those  places  are.  Undeveloped  metrop 
olises  seem  to  exist  in  every  corner.  Well,  the  slip 
ends  with  a  notice  that  in  future  letters  must  be  directed 
to  the  new  place. 

Next,  as  to   substance.      The  six  letters  all  tell  the 


180  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

same  story.  They  are  each  the  second  letter  ;  the  first 
one  having  been  sent  to  the  same  person,  and  having 
contained  a  lottery-ticket,  as  a  gift  of  love  or  free 
charity.  This  second  letter  is  the  one  which  is  expected 
to  "  fetch."  It  says  in  substance  :  u  Your  ticket  has 
drawn  a  prize  of  8200  , —  the  letters  all  name  the  same 
amount  —  "  but  you  didn't  pay  for  it,-  and  therefore  are 
not  entitled  to  it.  Now  send  me  $10  and  I  will  cheat 
the  lottery-man  by  altering  the  post-mark  of  your  letter 
so  that  the  money  shall  seem  to  have  been  sent  before 
the  lottery  was  drawn.  This  forgery  will  enable  me 
to  get  the  $200,  which  I  will  send  you." 

How  cunning  that  is  !  It  is  exactly  calculated  to 
hit  the  notions  of  a  vulgar,  ignorant,  lazy,  greedy,  and 
unprincipled  bumpkin.  Such  a  fellow  would  see  just 
far  enough  into  the  millstone  to  be  tickled  at  the  idea 

o 

of  cheating  those  lottery  fellows.  And  the  knave  ends 
his  letter  with  one  more  touch  most  delicately  adapted 
to  make  Master  Bumpkin  feel  certain  that  his  cash  is 
coming.  He  says,  "  Be  sure  to  show  your  prize  to  all 
your  friends,  so  as  to  make  them  buy  tickets  at  my 
office." 

Moreover,  these  letters  inclose  each  a  "  report  of  the 
seventeenth  monthly  drawing  of  the  Cosmopolitian  Art 
Union  Association."  You  may  observe  that  one  of 
these  "  seventeenth  drawings  "  took  place  November  7 
1864,  and  another  December  5,  1864  ;  so  that  seven- 
teenthly  came  twice.  What  is  a  far  more  remarkable 
coincidence  is  this;  that  in  each  of  these  "reports  ''  is 
a  list  of  a  hundred  and  thirty  or  forty  numbers  that 
drew  prizes,  and  it  is  exactly  the  same  list  each  time, 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  181 

and  the  same  prize  to  each  number  !  There  is  a  third 
coincidence  ;  that  one  of  these  two  drawings  is  said  to 
have  been  at  London.  New  York,  and  the  other  at 
London,  New  Jersey.  And  lastly,  there  is  a  fourth  co 
incidence,  viz.,  that  neither  of  these  places  exists. 

Now,  what  a  transparent  swindle  this  is  !  how  plain, 
how  impudent,  how  rascally  !  And  all  done  entirely 
by  the  use  of  the  Post  Office  privileges  of  the  United 
States.  Try  to  catch  this  fellow.  You  can  find  where 
he  mailed  his  circular  ;  but  he  probably  stopped  there 
over  night  to  do  so,  and  nobody  knew  it.  In  each  cir 
cular,  he  wrote  to  his  dupes  to  address  him  at  that  new 
"  more  central  location  "  that  he  struggles  after  so 
hard  ;  and  how  is  the  pursuer  to  find  it  ?  Would  any 
body  naturally  go  and  watch  the  Post  Office  at  Bronx- 
ville,  New  York,  for  instance,  as  a  particularly  central 
location  for  business  ? 

Besides,  no  one  person  is  cheated  out  of  enough  to 
make  him  follow  up  the  affair,  and  probably  nobody 
who  sends  the  cash  wants  to  say  much  about  it  after 
ward.  He  wants  to  wait  and  show  the  prize ! 

These  dirty  sharking  traps  will  always  be  set,  and 
will  always  catch  silly  people,  as  long  as  there  are  any 
to  catch.  The  only  means  of  stopping  such  trickery  is 
to  diffuse  the  conviction  that  the  best  way  to  get  a  liv 
ing  is,  to  go  to  work  like  a  man  and  earn  it  honestly. 


182  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

ANOTHER   LOTTERY  HUMBUG. TWO  HUNDRED  AND  FIF 
TY     RECIPES. VILE     BOOKS. "  ADVANTAGE-CARDS." 

A     PACKAGE     FOR     YOU  ;    PLEASE     SEND     THE     MON 
EY. PEDDLING    IN    WESTERN    NEW    YORK. 

The  readiness  with  which  people  will  send  off  their 
money  to  a  swindler  is  perfectly  astounding.  It  does 
really  seem  as  if  an  independent  fortune  could  be  made 
simply  by  putting  forth  circulars  and  advertisements, 
requesting  the  receiver  to  send  five  dollars  to  the  ad 
vertiser,  and  saying  that  "  it  will  be  all  right." 

I  have  already  given  an  account  of  the  way  in  which 
lottery  dealers  operate.  From  among  the  same  pile  of 
documents  which  I  used  then,  I  have  selected  a  few 
others,  as  instances  in  part,  of  a  class  of  humbugs  some 
times  of  a  kind  even  far  more  noxious,  and  which  show 
that  their  devisers  and  patrons  are  not  only  sharpers  or 
fools,  but  often  also  very  cold-blooded  villains  or  very 
nasty  ones.  Some  of  them  are  managed  by  printed  cir 
culars  and  written  letters,  such  as  those  before  me  ; 
some  of  them  by  newspaper  advertisements.  Some  are 
only  to  cheat  you  out  of  money,  and  others  offer  in  re 
turn  for  money  some  base  gratification.  But  whatever 
means  are  used,  and  whatever  purpose  is  sought,  they 
are  all  alike  in  one  thing —  they  depend  entirely  on  the 
monstrous  number  of  simpletons  who  will  send  money 
to  people  they  know  nothing  about. 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  183 

Of  the  nasty  ones,  I  can  give  no  details.  Vile  books, 
pictures,  etc.,  are  from  time  to  time  advertised,  sold, 
and  forwarded,  by  circular,  and  through  the  mails,  and 
for  large  prices. 

There  have  been  some  cases  where  a  funny  sort  of 
swindle  has  been  effected  by  these  peddlers  of  prurien 
cy,  by  selling  some  dirty-minded  dupe  a  cheap  good 
book,  at  the  extravagant  price  of  a  dear  bad  one. 
More  than  one  foolish  youth  has  received,  instead  of 
the  vile  thing  that  he  sent  five  dollars  for,  a  nice  little 
New  Testament.  It  is  obvious  that  no  very  loud  com 
plaints  are  likely  to  be  made  about  such  cheating  as 
that.  It  is,  perhaps,  one  of  the  safest  swindles  ever 
contrived. 

The  first  document  which  I  take  from  my  pile  is  the 
announcement  of  a  fellow  who  operates  lottery-wise. 
His  scheme  appeals  at  once  to  benevolence  and  to 
greediness.  He  says  :  "  The  profits  of  the  distribu 
tion  are  to  be  given  to  the  Sanitary  Commission  ;  "  and 
secondly,  u  Every  ticket  brings  a  prize  of  at  least  its 
full  value,  and  some  of  them  85,000.'' 

If,  therefore  you  won't  buy  tickets  for  filthy  lucre's 
sake,  buy  for  the  sake  of  our  soldiers. 

"  But,"  somebody  says,  "  how  can  you  afford  this 
arrangement,  which  is  a  direct  loss  of  the  whole  cost  of 
working  your  lottery,  and  moreover  of  the  wrhole  val 
ue  of  all  prizes  costing  more  than  a  ticket  ?  " 

"  Oh,"  replies  our  benevolent  friend,  "  a  number  of 
manufacturers  in  New  England  have  asked  me  to  do 
this,  and  the  prizes  are  given  by  them  as  friends  of  the 
soldier." 


184  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

One  observation  will  sufficiently  show  what  an  im 
pudent  mess  of  lies  this  story  is,  namely  ;  —  If  the  man 
ufacturers  of  New  England  wanted  to  give  money  to 
the  Sanitary  Commission,  they  would  give  money  ;  if 
goods,  they  would  give  goods.  They  certainly  would 
not  put  their  gifts  through  the  additional  roundabout, 
useless  nonsense  of  a  lottery,  which  is  to  turn  over  only 
the  same  amount  of  funds  to  the  Commission. 

The  next  document  is  a  circular  sent  from  a  Western 
town  by  a  fellow  who  claims  also  to  be  a  master  of  arts, 
doctor  of  medicines,  and  doctor  of  laws,  but  whose  hand 
writing  and  language  are  those  of  a  stable-boy.  This 
chap  sends  round  a  list  of  two  hundred  and  fifty  recipes 
at  various  prices,  from  twenty-five  cents  to  a  dollar 
each.  Send  him  the  money  for  any  you  wish,  and  he 
promises  to  return  you  the  directions  for  making  the 
stuff.  You  are  then  to  go  about  and  peddle  it,  and 
swiftly  become  independently  rich.  You  can  begin  with 
a  dollar,  he  says ;  in  two  days  make  fifty  dollars,  and 
then  sweep-  on  in  a  grand  career  of  afHuence,  making 
from  $75  to  $200  a  day,  "  if  you  are  industrious." 
What  is  petroleum  to  this  ?  It  is  a  mercy  that  we  don't 
all  turn  to  and  peddle  to  each  other  ;  we  should  all  get 
too  rich  to  speak  ! 

The  fellow,  out  of  pure  kindness  and  desire  for  your 
good,  recommends  you  to  buy  all  his  recipes,  as  then 
you  will  be  sure  to  sell  something  to  everybody.  '  Most 
of  these  recipes  are  for  sufficiently  harmless  purposes  — 
shaving-soap,  cement,  inks —  ;t  live  gallons  of  good  ink 
for  fifteen  cents  " —  tooth-powders,  etc.  Some  of  them 
are  arrant  nonsense;  such  as  "tea  —  better  than  the 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  185 

Chinese,"  winch  is  as  if  he  promised  something  wetter 
than  water;  "  to  make  thieves'  vinegar  ;"  "  prismatic  dia 
mond  crystals  for  windows  ;"  "  to  make  yellow  butter  " 

—  is  the  butter  blue  where  the  man  lives  ?      Others  are 
of  a  sort  calculated  to  attract  foolish  rustic  rascals  who 
would  like  to  gain  an    easy  living   by  cheating,  if  they 
were  only  smart  enough.     Thus,  there  is  "  Rothschild's 
great  secret  ;    or  how   to   make   common    gold."      Aly 
readers  shall  have  a  better  recipe   than  this   swindler's 

—  work  hard,  think  hard,  be  honest,  and  spend  little  — 
this   will    "  make    common  gold,"   and   this   is  all  the 
secret  Rothschild  ever  had.     A  number  of  these  recipes 
are  barefaced  quackeries ;  such   as   cures   for  consump 
tion,  cancer,   rheumatism,  and  sundry  other  diseases  ; 
to  make  whiskers  and  mustaches  grow  —  ah,  boys,  you 
cant  hurry    up   those  things.      Greasing  your  cheeks  is 
just  as  good  as  trying  to  whistle  the  hair  out,  but  not  a 
bit  better.     Don't  hurry ;  you   will  be   old   quite  soon 
enough  !     But  this  fellow  is   ready  for  old  fools  as  well 
young  ones,  for  he  has  recipes  for  curing    baldness   and 
removing  wrinkles.     And  last,  but  not  least,  quietly  in 
serted  among  all  these  fooleries  and  harmless  humbugs, 
are  two  or  three  recipes  which  promise  the  safe  gratifi 
cation  of  the  basest  vices.      Those   are   what  he  really 
hoped  to  get  money  for. 

I  have  carefully  refrained  from  giving  any  names  or. 
'information  which  would  enable  anybody  to  address  any 
of  these  folks.  I  do  not  propose  to  cooperate  with 
them,  if  I  know  it. 

The  next  is  a  circular  only  to  be  very  briefly  alluded 
to:  it  promises  to 'furnish,  on  receipt  of  the  price,  and 


186  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  by  mail  or  express,  with  perfect  safety,  so  as  to  defy 
detection,''  any  of  twenty-two  wholly  infamous  books, 
and  various  other  cards  and  commodities,  well  suited  to 
the  public  of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah,  etc.  The  most  hon 
est  and  decent  things  advertised  in  this  unclean  list  are 
u  advantage-cards  "  which  enable  the  player  to  swindle 
his  adversary  by  reading  off  his  hand  by  the  backs  of 
the  cards. 

The  next  paper  I  can  copy  verbatim,  except  some 
names,  etc.,  is  a  letter  as  follows: 

"Dear  Sir — There  is  a.  Package  in  My  care  for  a 
Mrs.  preston  New  Griswold  wich  thare  is  48  cts.  frat- 
age.  Pleas  forward  the  same.  I  shall  send  it  Per 
Express  Your  recpt." 

It  is  some  little  comfort  to  know  that  this  gentleman, 
who  is  so  much  opposed  to  the  present  prevailing  meth 
ods  of  spelling,  lost  the  three  cents  which  he  invested 
in  seeking  "  fratage."  But  a  good  many  sensible  peo 
ple  have  carelessly  sent  away  the  small  amoimts  de 
manded  by  letters  like  the  above,  and  have  wondered 
why  their  prepaid  parcels  never  came. 

Next,  is  an  account  by  a  half  amused  and  half  indig 
nant  eye-witness,  of  what  happened  in  a  well  known 
town  in  Western  New  York,  on  Friday,  January  6, 
1865.  A  personage  described  as  *•'  dressed  in  Yankee 
style,"'  drove  into  the  principal  street  of  the  place  with 
a  horse  and  buggy,  and  began  to  sell  what  is  called  in 
some  parts  of  New  England  ;u  Attleboro,"  that  is,  imi 
tation  jewelry,  but  promising  to  return  the  customers 
their  money,  if  required,  and  doing  so.  After  a  num 
ber  of  transactions  of  this  kind,  he  bawls  out,  like  the 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  187 

sorcerer  in  Aladdin,  who  went  around  crying  new 
lamps  for  old,  "  Who  will  give  me  four  dollars  for  this 
five-dollar  greenback  ?  " 

He  found  a  customer ;  sold  a  one-dollar  greenback 
for  ninety  cents  ;  then  sold  some  half-dollar  bills  for 
twenty-five  cents  each  ;  then  flung  out  among  the  crowd 
what  a  fisherman  would  call  ground  bait,  in  the  shape 
of  a  handful  of  "  currency." 

Everybody  scrambled  for  the  money.  This  liberal 
trader  now  drove  slowly  a  little  way  along,  and  the 
crowd  pressed  after  him. 

He  now  began,  without  any  further  promises,  to  sell 
a  lot  of  bogus  lockets  at  five  dollars  each,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  had  disposed  of  about  forty.  Having,  there 
fore,  about  two  hundred  dollars  in  his  pocket,  and  trade 
slackening,  he  coolly  observes,  with  a  terseness  and  clear 
ness  of  oratory  that  would  not  discredit  General  Sher 
man  : 

"  Gentlemen  —  I  have  sold  you  those  goods  at  my 
price.  I  am  a  licensed  peddler.  If  I  give  you  your 
money  back  you  will  think  me  a  lunatic.  I  wish  you 
all  success  in  your  ordinary  vocations  !  Good  morn- 
ing!" 

And  sure  enough,  he  drove  off.  That  same  cunning 
chap  has  actually  made  a  small  fortune  in  this  way. 
He  really  is  licensed  as  a  peddler,  and  though  arrested 
more  than  once,  has  consequently  not  been  found  legal 
ly  punishable. 

I  will  specify  only  one  more  of  my  collection,  of  yet 
another  kind.  This  is  a  printed  circular  appealing  to  a 
class  of  fools,  if  possible,  even  shallower,  sillier,  and 


188  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

more  credulous  than  any  I  have'  named  yet.  It  is 
headed  u  The  Gypsies'  Seven  Secret  Charms."  These 
charms  consist  of  a  kind  of  hellbroth  or  decoction. 
You  are  to  wet  the  hands  and  the  forehead  with  them, 
and  this  is  to  render  you  able  to  tell  what  any  person 
is  thinking  of;  upon  taking  any  one  by  the  hand,  you 
will  be  able  to  entirely  control  the  mind  and  will  of 
such  person  (it  is  unnecessary  to  specify  the  purpose 
intended  to  be  believed  possible).  These  charms  are 
also  to  enable  you  to  buy  lucky  lottery-tickets,  discover 
things  lost  or  hid,  dream  correctly  of  the  future,  in 
crease  the  intellectual  faculties,  secure  the  affections  of 
the  other  sex,  etc.  These  precious  conceits  are  set 
forth  in  a  ridiculous  hodge-podge  of  statements.  The 
"  charms,"  it  says,  were  used  by  the  "  Antediluvians  ;  " 
were  the  secret  of  the  Egyptian  enchanters  and  of  Mo 
ses,  too  ;  of  the  Pythoness  and  the  heathen  conjurors 
and  humbugs  generally  ;  and  (which  will  be  news  to 
the  geographers  of  to-day)  "  are  used  by  the  Psyli  (the 
swindler  mis-spells  again)  of  South  America  to  charm 
Beasts,  Birds,  and  Serpents."  The  way  to  control  the 
mind,  he  says,  was  discovered  by  a  French  traveler 
named  Tunear.  This  Frenchman  is  perhaps  a  relative 
of  the  equally  celebrated  Russian  traveller,  Toofaroff. 

But  here  is  the  point,  after  all.  You  send  the  mon 
ey,  we  will  say,  for  one  of  these  charms  —  for  they  are 
for  sale  separately.  You  receive  in  return  a  second 
circular,  saying  that  they  work  a  great  deal  better  all 
together,  and  so  the  man  will  send  you  all  of  them 
when  you  send  the  rest  of  the  money.  Send  it,  if  you 
choose  ! 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  189 

Now,  how  is  it  possible  for  people  to  be  living  among 
us  here,  who  are  fooled  by  such  wretched  balderdash  as 
this  ?  There  are  such,  however,  and  a  great  many  of 
them.  I  do  not  imagine  that  there  are  many  of  these 
addlepates  among  my  readers  ;  but  there  is  no  harm 
in  giving  once  more  a  very  plain  and  easy  direction 
which  may  possibly  save  somebody  some  money  and 
some  mortification.  Be  content  with  what  you  can 
honestly  earn.  Know  whom  you  deal  with.  Do  not 
try  to  get  money  without  giving  fair  value  for  it.  And 
pay  out  no  money  on  strangers'  promises,  whether  by 
word  of  mouth,  written  letters,  advertisements,  or  print 
ed  circulars. 


CHAPTER,    XXIII. 

A    CALIFORNIA     COAL    MINE. A    HARTFORD    COAL    MINE. 

MYSTERIOUS     SUBTERANEAN     CANAL    ON    THE    ISTH 
MUS. 

Some  twelve  years  ago  or  so,  in  the  early  days  of 
Californian  immigration,  a  curious  little  business  humbug 
came  off  about  six  miles  from  Monterey.  A  United 
States  officer,  about  the  year  1850,  was  on  his  way  into 
the  interior  on  a  surveying  expedition,  with  a  party  of 
men,  a  portable  forge,  a  load  of  coal,  and  sundry  other 
articles.  At  the  place  in  question,  six  miles  inland,  the 
Lieutenant's  coal  wagon  "  stalled "  in  a  "  tule  " 
swamp.  With  true  military  decision  the  greater  part 
of  the  coal  was  thrown  out  to  extricate  the  team,  and 


190  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

not  picked  up  again.  The  expedition  went  on  and 
so  did  time,  and  the  latter,  in  his  progress,  had  some 
years  afterward  dried  up  the  tuld  swamp.  Some  enter 
prising  prospecters,  with  eyes  wide  open  to  the  nature 
of  tilings,  now  espied  one  fine  morning  the  lumps  of 
coal,  sticking  their  black  noses  up  out  of  the  mud.  It 
was  a  clear  case  —  there  was  a  coal  mine  there  !  The 
happy  discoverers  rushed  into  town.  A  company  was 
at  once  organized  under  the  mining  laws  of  the  state 
of  California.  The  corporators  at  first  kept  the  whole 
matter  totally  secret  except  from  a  few  particular  friends 
who  were  as  a  very  great  favor  allowed  to  buy  stock 
for  cash.  A  "  compromise  "  was  made  with  the  owner 
of  the  land,  largely  to  his  advantage.  When  things 
had  thus  been  set  properly  at  work,  specimens  of  coal 
were  publicly  exhibited  at  Monterey.  There  was  a  gi 
gantic  excitement ;  shares  went  up  almost  out  of  sight. 
Twelve  hundred  dollars  in  coin  for  one  share  (par  $100) 
was  laughed  at.  About  this  time  a  quiet  honest  Dutch 
man  of  the  vicinity  passing  along  by  the  "  mine  "  one 
evening  with  his  cart,  innocently  and  unconsciously 
picked  up  the  whole  at  one  single  load  and  carried  it 
home.  Prompt  was  the  discovery  of  the  "  sell  "  by 
the  stockholders,  and  voluble  and  intense,  it  is  said, 
their  profane  expressions  of  dissatisfaction.  But  the 
original  discoverers  of  the  mine  vigorously  protested 
that  they  were  "  sold  "  themselves,  and  that  it  was  only 
a  case  of  common  misfortune.  It  is  however  reported 
that  a  number  of  persons  in  Monterey,  after  the  explo 
sion  of  the  speculation,  remembered  all  about  the  coal- 
wagon  part  of  the  business,  which  they  said,  the  excite- 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  191 

ment  of  the  "  company  "  had  put  entirely  out  of  their 
heads. 

An  equally  unfounded  but  not  quite  so  barefaced 
humbug  came  off  a  good  many  years  ago  in  the  good 
old  city  of  Hartford,  in  Connecticut,  according  to  the 
account  given  me  by  an  old  gentleman  now  deceased, 
who  was  one  of  the  parties  interested.  This  was  a 
coal  mine  in  the  State  House  -yard.  It  sounds  like 
talking  about  getting  sunbeams  out  of  cucumbers  — 
but  something  of  the  sort  certainly  took  place. 

Coal  is  found  among  rocks  of  certain  kinds,  and  not 
elsewhere.  Among  strata  of  granite  or  basalt  for  in 
stance,  nobody  expects  to  find  coal.  But  along  with  a 
certain  kind  of  sandstone  it  may  reasonably  be  expect 
ed.  Now  the  Hartford  wiseacres  found  that  tremen 
dously  far  down  under  their  city,  there  was  a  sort  of 
sandstone,  and  they  were  sure  that  it  was  the  sort.  So 
they  gathered  together  some  money, —  there  is  a  vast 
deal  of  that  in  Hartford,  coal  or  no  coal  —  organized  a 
company,  employed  a  Mining  Superintendent;  set  up 
a  boring  apparatus,  and  down  went  their  hole  into  the 
ground  —  an  orifice  some  four  or.  six  inches  across. 
Through  the  surface  stratum  of  earth  it  went,  and  bang 
it  came  against  the  sandstone.  They  pounded  away, 
with  good  courage,  and  got  some  fifties  or  hundreds  of 
feet  further.  Indefinable  sensations  were  aroused  in 
their  minds  at  one  time  by  the  coming  up  among  the 
products  of  boring,  of  some  chips  of  wood.  Now  wood, 
shortly  coal,  they  thought.  They  might,  I  imagine, 
have  brought  up  some  pieces  of  boiled  potato  or  even 
of  fresh  shad,  provided  it  had  fallen  down  first.  They 


192  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

duo;  on  until  they  got  tired,  and  then  they  stopped. 
If  they  had  gone  down  ten  thousand  feet  they  would 
have  found  no  coal.  Coal  is  found  in  the  new  red 
sandstone ;  but  theirs  was  the  old  red  sandstone, 
which  is  a  very  fine  old  stone  itself,  but  in  which  no 
coal  was  ever  found,  except  what  might  have  been  put 
there  on  purpose,  or  possibly  some  faint  indications. 
The  hole  they  made,  however,  as  my  informant  gravely 
observed,  was  left  sticking  in  the  ground,  and  if  he  is 
right  is  to  this  day  a  sort  of  appendix  or  tail  to  the  well 
north-west  corner  of  the  State  House  Square.  So,  I 
suppose,  any  one  who  chooses  can  go  and  poke  down 
there  after  it  and  satisfy  himself  about  the  accuracy  of 
this  account.  Such  an  inquirer  ought  to  find  satisfaction, 
for  "  truth  lies  in  the  bottom  of  a  well  "  says  the  proverb. 
Yet  some  ill  natured  skeptics  have  construed  this  to  mean 
that  all  will  tell  lies  sometimes,  for  —  as  they  accent 
it,  even  "Truth  lies,  at  the  bottom  of  a  well  I  " 

Still- a  different  sort  of  business  humbug,  again,  was 
a  wonderful  story  which  went  the  rounds  about  fifteen 
years  ago,  and  which  was  cooked  up  to  help  some  one 
or  other  of  the  various  enterprises  for  new  routes  by 
Central  America  to  California.  This  story  started,  I 
believe,  in  the  "  New  Orleans  Courier."  It  was,  that 
a  French  Doctor  of  Vera  Paz  in  Guatemala,  while 
making  a  canal  from  his  estate  to  the  sea,  discovered, 
away  up  at  the  very  furthest  extremity  of  the  Gulf  of 
Honduras,  a  vast  ancient  canal,  two  hundred  and  forty 
feet  wide,  seventy  I'eet  deep,  and  walled  in  on  both 
sides  with  "gigantic  masses  of  rough  cut  stone.  The 
Doctor  at  once  crave  up  his  own  triflirm-  modern  exca- 

O  1  <^ 


TRADE    AND    BUSINESS    IMPOSITIONS.  193 

vation,  and  plunged  into  an  explanation  of  this  vast 
ancient  one,  as  zealously  as  if  he  were  probing  after 
some  uncertain  bullet  in  a  poor  fellow's  leg.  The  mon 
strous  canal  carried  him  in  a  straight  line  up  the  coun 
try?  to  the  south-westward.  Some  twenty  miles  or  so 
inland  it  plunged  under  a  volcano  ! 

But  see  what  a  French  doctor  is  made  of! 

Cutting  down  the  great,  old  trees  that  obstructed  the 
entrance,  and  procuring  a  canoe  with  a  crew  of  Indians, 
in  he  went.  The  canal  became  a  prodigious  tunnel, 
of  the  same  width  and  depth  of  water,  and  vaulted 
three  hundred  and  thirty  five  feet  high  in  the  living 
rock.  Nothing  is  said  about  the  bowels  of  the  volcano, 
so  that  we  must  conclude  either  that  such  affairs  are 
not  planted  so  deep  as  is  supposed,  or  that  the  fire-pot 
of  the  concern  was  shoved  one  side  or  bridged  over  by 
the  canallers,  or  that  the  Frenchman  had  some  remark 
ably  good  style  of  Fire  Annihilator,  or  else  that  there 
is  some  mistake  ! 

Eighteen  hours  of  incessant  travel  brought  our  intre- 

^  O 

pid  M.  D.  safe  through  to  the  Pacific  Ocean  ;  during 
which  time,  if  the  maps  of  that  country  are  of  any  au 
thority,  he  passed  under  quite  a  number  of  mountains 
and  rivers.  The  trip  was  not  dark  at  all,  as  shafts  were 
sunk  every  little  way,  which  lighted  up  the  interior 
quite  well,  and  then  the  volcano  gave  —  or  ought  to 
have  given  —  some  light  inside.  Indeed,  if  the  doctor 
had  only  thought  of  it,  I  presume  he  would  have  notic 
ed  double  rows  of  street  gas  lamps  on  each  side  of  the 
canal !  The  exclusive  right  to  use  this  excellent  transit 
route  has  not,  to  my  knowledge,  been  secured  to  anybody 


194  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

yet.  It  will  be  observed  that  ships  as  large  as  the 
Great  Eastern  could  easily  pass  each  other  in  this  canal, 
which  renders  it  a  sure  thing  for  any  other  vessel  unless 
that  shrewd  and  grasping  fellow  the  Emperor  Louis 
Napolean,  has  got  hold  of  this  canal  and  is  keeping  it 
dark  for  some  still  darker  purposes  of  his  own  —  as  for 
instance  to  run  his  puppet  Maximilian  into  for  refuge, 
when  he  is  run  out  of  Mexico  —  it  is  therefore  still  in 
the  market.  And  my  publication  of  the  facts  effectu 
ally  disposes  of  the  Emperor's  plan  of  secrecy,  of  course. 


IV.    MONEY  MANIAS. 

CHAPTER    XXIV. 

THE  PETROLEUM    HUMBUG. THE    NEW  YORK  AND   RAN 
GOON  PETROLEUM  COMPANY. 

Every  sham,  as  has  often  been  said,  proves  some  rea  - 
ity.  Petroleum  exists,  no  doubt,  and  is  an  important  ad 
dition  to  our  national  wealth.  But  the  Petroleum  hum 
bug  or  mania  or  superstition,  or  whatever  you  choose 
to  call  it,  is  a  humbug,  just  as  truly,  and  a  big  one, 
whether  we  use  the  word  in  its  milder  or  its  bitterer 
sense. 

There  are  more  than  six  hundred  petroleum  compa 
nies.  The  capital  they  call  for,  is  certainly  not  less  than 
five  hundred  million  dollars.  The  money  invested  in 
the  notorious  South  Sea  Bubble  was  less  than  two-fifths 
as  much  — only  about  $190,000,000. 

Now,  this  petroleum  business  —  very  much  of  it  — 
is  just  as  thorough  a  gambling  business  as  any  faro 
bank  ever  set  up  in  Broadway,  or  any  other  stock  spec 
ulation  ever  conjured  up  in  Wall  Street  —  as  much  so, 
for  instance,  as  the  well  known  Parker  Vein  coal 
company. 

I  shall  here  tell  exactly  how  those  well  known  and 
enterprising  financiers,  Messrs.  Peter  Rolleum  and  Did 
dle  Digwell  proceeded  in  organizing  the  New- York  and 


196  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Rangoon  Petroleum  Company,  of  which  all  my  readers 
have  seen  the  advertisements  everywhere,  and  of  which 
the  former  is  the  Vice  President  and  managing  officer, 
and  the  latter  Secretary.  In  June  1864,  neither  ot 
these  worthy  gentleman  was  worth  a  cent.  Rolleum 
shinned  up  and  down  in  some  commission  agency  or 
other,  and  Digwell  had  a  small  salary  as  clerk  in  some 
insurance  or  money  concern.  They  barely  earned  a 
living.  Now,  Rolleum  says  he  is  worth  $200,000  ; 
and  Mr.  Secretary  Digwell,  besides  about  $10,000 
worth  of  stock  in  the  New  York  and  Rangoon,  has  his 
comfortable  salary  and  his  highly  respectable  "  posish  " 
—  to  use  a  little  bit  of  business  slang. 

Mr.  Rolleum  was  the  originator  of  the  scheme,  and 
let  Digwell  into  it  ;  and  together  they  went  to  work. 
They  had  a  few  hundred  dollars  in  cash,  no  particular 
credit,  an  entirely  unlimited  fund  of  lies,  a  good  deal  of 
industry,  plausibility,  talk,  and  cheek,  considerable 
acquaintance  with  business,  and  an  instinctive  apprecia 
tion  of  some  of  the  more  selfish  motives  commonly  influ 
ential  among  men. 

First  of  all,  Rolleum  made  a  trip  into  the  oil  country. 
Here,  while  picking  up  some  of  his  ordinary  agency 
business,  he  looked  around  among  the  wells  and  oil 
lands,  talking,  and  examining  and  inquiring  of  everybody 
about  everything,  with  a  busy,  solemn  face,  and  the  air 
of  one  who  does  not  wish  it  to  be  supposed  that  he  has 
important  interests  in  his  care.  Then  he  talked  with 
some  men  at  (we  will  say)  Titusville  and  thereabouts  ; 
told  all  about  his  valuable  business  connections  in  New 
York  City  :  and  after  getting  a  little  acquainted,  he  laid 


MONEY    MANIAS.  197 

before  each  of  half-a-dozen  or  so  of  them,  this  proposi 
tion  : 

"  You  can  have  a  good  many  shares  of  a  first  class 
new  oil  company  about  to  be  formed  just  for  permit 
ting  your  name  to  be  used  in  its  interest,  and  for  being 
a  trustee."  A  thousand  shares  apiece,  he  said;  to  be 
valued  at  five  dollars  each,  the  par  value  however,  be 
ing  ten  dollars.  Five  thousand  dollars  each  man,  and 
to  be  made  ten  thousand,  as  soon  as  the  proposed  puf 
fing  should  enable  them  to  sell  out.  After  a  little  hes 
itation,  a  sufficient  number  consented.  There  was 
nothing  to  pay,  something  handsome  to  get,  and  all 
they  were  asked  for  it  was,  to  let  a  man  talk  about  them. 
What  if  he  did  lie  ?  That  was  his  business. 

This  fixed  four  out  of  the  nine  intended  trustees. 

Rolleum  also  obtained  memoranda  or  printed  circu 
lars  showing  the  amounts  for  which  a  number  of  oil 
land  owners  would  sell  their  holes  in  the  ground  or  the 
room  for  making  others,  and  describing  the  premises. 
He  now  flew  back  to  New  York,  and  went  to  sundry 
persons  of  some  means  and  some  position  but  of  no 
great  nobility,  and  thus  he  said : 

"  Here  are  these  wealthy  and  distinguished  oil  men 
right  there  on  the  ground  who  are  going  to  be  trustees 
of  my  new  company. 

"  You  serve  too,  won't  you  ?  One  thousand  shares 
for  your  trouble  —  five  thousand  dollars.  No  money 
to  pay  —  I  will  see  to  all  that.  Here  are  the  lands  we 
can  buy," — and  he  showed  his  lists.  The  bribe,  and 
the  names  of  those  already  bribed,  influenced  them,  and 
this  secured  three  more  trustees.  Two  more  were 


198  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

needed,  namely  the  President  and  Vice  President. 
Rolleum  himself  was  to  be  the  latter ;  his  next  move 
was  to  secure  the  former. 

This,  the  most  critical  part  of  the  scheme,  was  cun 
ningly  delayed  until  this  time.  Rolleum  went  to  the 
Honorable  A.  Bee,  a  gentleman  of  a  good  deal  of  abil 
ity,  pretty  widely  known,  not  very  rich,  believed  (per 
haps  for  that  reason)  to  be  honest,  no  longer  young, 
and  of  a  reverend  yet  agreeable  presence.  Him  the 
plausible  Rolleum  told  all  about  the  new  Company  ; 
what  a  respectable  board  of  trustees  there  was  going  to 
be  —  and  he  showed  the  names  ;  all  either  experienced 
and  substantial  men  of  the  oil  country,  or  reputable 
business  men  of  New  York  City.  And  they  have 
agreed  to  serve,  in  part  because  they  know  what  a  very 
honest  company  this  is,  and  still  more  because  they 
hope  that  the  Honorable  A.  Bee  will  become  Presi 
dent. 

"  My  dear  Sir,"  urged  Rolleum,  sweetly,  "  this 
legitimate  business  enterprise  must  succeed,  and  must 
secure  wealth,  reputation,  and  influence  to  all  connect 
ed  with  it.  We  know  that  you  are  above  pecuniary 
considerations,  and  that  you  do  not  need  our  influence, 
or  anybody's.  We  need  yours.  And  you  need  not 
do  any  work.  I  will  do  that.  We  only  need  your 
name.  And  merely  as  a  matter  of  form,  because  the 
officers  are  expected  to  be  interested  in  their  own  com 
pany,  I  have  set  apart  two  thousand  shares,  being  at 
half  par  or  $5  a  share,  $10,000  of  stock,  to  stand  in 
your  name.  See  how  respectable  all  these  Trustee? 
are  !  "  And  he  showed  the  list  and  preached  upon  the 
items  of  it. 


MONET   MANIAS.  199 

"  This  man  is  worth  so  many  millions,  that  man  is 
such  an  influential  editor.  Could  I  have  obtained  such 
names  if  this  were  not  a  perfectly  square  thing  ?  " 

Ten  thousand  dollars  will  go  some  ways  towards 
squaring  almost  anything,  with  many  people,  even  if  it 
is  a  mere  matter  of  form  ;  "  and  so  the  old  gentleman 
consented.  This  fixed  the  whole  official  "  slate." 

Now  to  set  up  the  machine. 

In  a  few  days  of  sharp  running  and  talking,  Rolleum 
and  Digwell  accomplished  this,  as  follows : 

First,  they  hired  and  furnished  handsomely,  paying 
cash  whenever  they  couldn't  help  it,  a  couple  of  pleas 
ant  first  floor  rooms  close  to  Wall  Street.  No  dingy 
desk-room  up  in  some  dark  corner  or  attic,  for  them. 
Respectability  is  the  thing  for  Rolleum. 

Second,  they  hired  a  lawyer  to  draft  the  proper  pa 
pers,  and  had  the  New  York  and  Rangoon  Petroleum 
Company  "  Duly  incorporated  under  the  mining  and 
statute  laws  of  the  State  of  New  York,"  with  charter, 
by-laws,  seal,  officers'  names,  and  everything  fine, 
new,  grand,  magnificent,  impressive,  formal,  respectable 
and  business-like. 

Third,  they  now  had  every  requisite  of  a  powerful, 
enterprising  and  highly  successful  corporation,  except 
the  small  trifles  of  money,  land  and  oil.  But  what  are 
these,  to  such  geniuses  as  Rolleum  and  Digwell  ?  Sin 
gular  if  having  invented  and  set  the  trap,  they  could 
not  catch  the  birds  ! 

They  bought  about  three  pints  of  oil,  for  one  dollar ; 
and  that  settled  one  part  of  the  question.  They  bought 
it  ready  sorted  and  vialled  and  labelled ;  some  crude 


200  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

and  green,  some  yellowish,  some  limpid  as  water,  half  a 
dozen  or  so  of  different  specimens.  These,  in  their  tall 
vials  of  most  respectable  appearance,  they  placed  casu 
ally  on  the  mantel-piece  of  the  outer  office.  They 
were  specimens  of  the  oils  which  the  company's  wells 
are  confidently  expected  to  yield  —  when  they  get  'em  ! 

Last  of  all  —  land  and  money.  Subscriptions  to  cap 
ital  stock  are  to  furnish  money,  money  will  buy  land. 
And  saying'  we've  got  land  will  procure  subscriptions. 

"  It's  not  much  of  a  lie,  after  all,"  said  Rolleum, 
confidentially,  to  brother  Digwell.  "  When  we've 
said  we've  got  it  for  awhile,  we  shall  get  it.  It's  not 
a  lie  at  all.  It's  only  discounting  the  truth  at  sixty 
days  !  " 

So  he  and  Digwell  went  to  work  and  made  a  splendid 
prospectus  and  advertisement,  the  latter  an  abridged 
edition  of  the  former.  This  prospectus  was  a  great 
triumph  of  business  lying  mixed  with  plums  and  spices 
of  truth,  and  all  set  forth  with  taking  "  display  lines." 

It  began  with  a  stately  row  of  names :  New  York 
and  Rangoon  Petroleum  Company ;  Honorable  Abra 
ham  Bee,  President ;  Peter  Rolleum,  Esq.,  Vice  Presi 
dent  ;  Diddle  Digwell,  Esq.,  Secretary  ;  and  so  on. 
With  cool  impudence  it  then  gave  a  list  headed  "  Lands 
and  Property  "  —  not  saying  "  of  the  Company  "  for  fear 
of  a  prosecution  for  swindling.  But  the  list  below  be 
gan  with  the  words  "  the  oil  lands  to  be  conveyed  to  the 
Company  are  as  follows  :  "  that's  exactly  it "  quoth 
Rolleum  —  "no  lie  there,  at  any  rate.  They  are.  to 
4  to  be  conveyed'  to  us — if  we  choose  —  just  as  soon 
as  we  can  pay  for  them."  And  then  the  list  went  on  from 


MONEY    MANIAS.  201 

"  No.  1  "  to   "  No.  43,"  giving  in  a  row  all  those  mem- 

O  O 

orand a  which  Rolleum  had  obtained  in  Venango  County 
and  the  region  round  about,  of  the  descriptions  of  the 
real  estate  which  the  landsharks  up  there  would  be  glad 
to  sell  for  what  they  asked  for  it. 

The  Prospectus  said  the  capital  of  the  company  was 
one  million  dollars,  in  one  hundred  thousand  shares  at 
ten  dollars  each.  But  in  order  to  obtain  a  WORKING 
CAPITAL,  twenty  thousand  shares  are  offered  for  a  lim 
ited  period  at  five  dollars  each,  not  subject  to  further 
assessment. 

And  it  added,  though  with  more  phrases,  something 
to  the  following  effect :  Hurry  !  Pay  quick  !  Or  you 
will  lose  your  chance  !  In  conclusion  the  whole  was 
wound  up  with  many  wise  and  moral  observations  about 
legitimate  business, '  interests  of  stockholders,  heavy 
capitalists,  economical  management,  and  other  such 
things ;  and  it  bestowed  some  rather  fat  compliments 
upon  the  honorable  Abraham  Bee  and  the  Trustees. 

Having,  concocted  this  choice  morsel  of  bait,  they 
set  it  in  the  great  stream  of  newspapers,  there  to  catch 
fish.  In  plain  terms,  with  some  cash  and  some  credit 
—  for  their  means  would  not  even  reach  to  pay  in  ad 
vance  the  whole  of  their  first  advertising  bill  —  they 
managed  to  have  their  advertisement  published  during 
several  weeks  in  a  carefully  chosen  group  of  about  thir 
ty  of  the  principal  newspapers  of  the  United  States. 

The  whole   web  was  now  woven  ;  and   Rolleum  and 

Dig  well,  like  two  hungry  spiders,  squatted  in  their  den, 

every    nerve    thrilling    to    feel    the    first    buzz  of    the 

first  fly.     It  was  natural  that  the  scamps   should  feel  a 

9* 


202  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

good  deal  excited  :  it  was  life  or  death  with  them.  It 
a  confiding  public,  in  answer  to  their  impassioned  appeal, 
should  generously  remit,  they  were  made  men  for  life. 
If  not,  instead  of  being  -rich  and  respected  gentlemen, 
they  were  ridiculous,  detected  swindlers. 

Well  —  they  succeeded.  So  truthful  is  our  Great 
American  Nation  —  so  confiding,  so  sure  of  the  truth 
of  what  is  said  in  print,  even  if  only  in  the  advertising 
columns  of  a  newspaper — so  certain  of  the  good  faith 
of  people  who  have  their  names  printed  in  large  capi 
tals  and  with  a  handle  at  one  end  —  that  actually  these 
fellows  had  a  hundred  thousand  dollars  in  bank  within 
ten  weeks  —  before  they  owned  one  foot  of  land,  or 
one  inch  of  well,  or  one  drop  of  oil,  except  those  three 
pints  in  the  vials  on  the  office  shelf! 

And  remember  this  is  no  imaginary  case.  I  am  giv 
ing  point  by  point  the  exact  transactions  of  a  real 
Petroleum  Company. 

Everything  I  have  told  was  done,  only  if  possible 
with  a  more  false  and  baseless  impudence  then  I  have 
described.  And  scores  and  scores  of  other  Petroleum 
Companies  have  been  organized  in  ways  exactly  as  un 
principled.  Some  of  them  may  perhaps  have  proceeded 
as  real  business  concerns.  Some  have  stopped  and  dis 
appeared  as  soon  as  the  managers  could  get  a  handsome 
sum  of  money  into  their  pockets  for  stock. 

What  the  result  will  be,  in  the  present  case.,  I  don't 
know.  The  New  York  and  Rangoon  Petroleum  Com 
pany,  when  I  last  knew  about  it,  "  still  lived."  They 
had  —  or  said  they  had  —  bought  some  land.  I  have 
not  heard  of  their  receiving  any  oil  raised  from  their 


MONEY    MANIAS.  203 

own  wells.  They  have  sent  off  a  monstrous  quantity  of 
circulars,  prospectuses  and  advertisements.  They  caus 
ed  a  portrait  and  biography  of  the  Honorable  A.  Bee 
to  be  printed  in  a  very  respectable  periodical,  and  paid 
five  hundred  dollars  for  it.  They  had  themselves  sys 
tematically  puffed  up  to  the  seventh  heaven  in  a  long 
series  of  articles  in  another  periodical,  and  paid  the 
owner  of  it  $2,000  or  so  in  stock.  They  talk  very  big 
•about  a  dividend.  But  although  they  have  received 
a  great  deal  of  money,  and  paid  out  a  great  deal,  I  do 
not  know  of  their  paying  their  stockholders  any  yet. 
If  they  should,  it  would  not  prove  much.  For  it  is 
sometimes  considered  "  a  good  dodge  "  to  declare  and 
pay  a  large  dividend  before  any  real  profits  have  been 
earned  ;  as  this  is  calculated  to  enhance  the  price  of 
shares,  and  to  make  them  "  go  off  like  hot  cakes." 

I  shall  not  make  any  "  moral  "  about  this  story.  It 
teaches  its  own.  It  is  a  very  mild  statement  of  what 
was  done  to  establish  an  actual  specimen,  —  and  far 
from  being  of  the  wTorst  description  —  of  a  great  part 
of  the  Petroleum  Company  enterprises  of  the  day. 

It  is  whispered  that  somehow  or  other  the  trustees 
and  officers  of  the  New  York  and  Rangoon  do  not  own 
so  much  stock  of  their  company  as  they  did,  having 
managed  to  have  their  stock  sold  to  subscribers  as  if  it 
were  company  stock.  If  this  is  so,  those  gentlemen 
have  made  their  reward  sure  ;  and  Mr.  Peter  Rolleum, 
having  the  cash  in  hand  for  that  very  liberal  allotment 
of  stock  which  he  gave  himself  for  his  trouble  in  get 
ting  up  the  New  York  and  Rangoon  Petroleum  Com 
pany,  is  very  likely  half  or  a  quarter  as  rich  as  he  says. 


204  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XXV. 
THE    TULIPOMANIA. 

Alboni,  the  singer,  had  an  exquisitely  sweet  voice,  but 
was  a  very  big  fat  woman.  Somebody  accordingly  re 
marked  that  she  was  an  elephant  that  had  swallowed  a 
nightingale.  About  as  incongruous  is  the  idea  of  a  na 
tion  of  damp,  foggy,  fat,  full-figured,  broad-sterned,  gin- 
drinking,  tobacco-smoking  Dutchmen  in  Holland,  going 
crazy  over  a  flower.  But  they  did  so,  for  three  or  four 
years  together.  Their  craze  is  known  in  history  as  the 
Tulipomania,  because  it  was  a  mania  about  tulips. 

Just  a  word  about  the  Dutchmen  first. 

These  stout  old  fellows  were  not  only  hardy  naviga 
tors,  keen  discoverers,  ingenious  engineers,  laborious 
workmen,  able  financiers,  shrewd  and  rich  merchants, 
enthusiastic  patriots  and  tremendous  fighters,  but  they 
were  eminently  distinguished  (as  they  still  are  to  a 
considerable  extent)  by  a  love,  of  elegant  literature, 
poetry,  painting,  music  and  other  fine  arts,  including 
horticulture.  It  was  a  Fleming  that  invented  painting 
in  oils.  Before  him,  white  of  egg  was  used,  or  gum- 
water,  or  some  such  imperfect  material,  for  spreading 
the  color.  Erasmus,  one  of  the  most  learned,  ready- 
minded,  acute,  graceful  and  witty  scholars  that  ever 
lived,  was  a  Dutchman.  All  Holland  and  Flanders, 
in  days  when  they  were  richer,  and  stronger  compared 


MONEY    MANIAS.  205 

with  the  rest  of  the  world  than  they  are  now,  were 
full  of  singing  societies  and  musical  societies  and  poe 
try  making  societies.  The  universities  of  Leyden  and 
Utrecht  and  Louvain  are  of  highly  an  ancient  Euro 
pean  fame.  And  as  for  flowers,  and  bulbs  in  particular, 
Holland  is  a  principal  home  and  market  of  them  now, 
more  than  two  hundred  years  after  the  time  I  am  going 
to  tell  of. 

Tulips  grow  wild  in  Southern  Russia,  the  Crimea 
and  Asia  Minor,  as  potatoes  do  in  Peru.  The  first 
tulip  in  Christian  Europe  was  raised  in  Augsburg,  in 
the  garden  of  a  flower-loving  lawyer,  one  Counsellor 
Herwart,  in  the  year  1559.  thirteen  years  after  Luther 
died.  This  tulip  bulb  was  sent  to  Herwart  from  Con-, 
stantinople.  For  about  eighty  years  after  this  the  flow 
er  continually  increased  in  repute  and  became  more 
and  more  known  and  cultivated,  until  the  fantastic  ea 
gerness  ot*  the  demand  for  fine  ones  and  the  great  prices 
that  they  brought,  resulted  in  a  real  mania  like  that 
about  the  moms  multicaulis,  or  the  petroleum  mania 
of  to-day,  but  much  more  intense.  It  began  in  the. 
year  1635,  and  went  out  with  an  explosion  in  the  year 
1837. 

This  tulip  business  is,  I  believe,  the  only  speculative 
excitement  in  history  whose  subject-matter  did  not  even 
claim  to  have  any  real  value.  Petroleum  is  worth 
some  shillings  a  gallon  for  actual  use  for  many  purposes. 
Stocks  always  claim  to  represent  some  real  trade  or  bu 
siness.  The  morns  multicaulis  was  to  be  as  permanent 
a  source  of  wealth  as  corn,  and  was  expected  to  pro 
duce  the  well  known  mercantile  substance  of  silk.  But 


206  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

nobody  ever  pretended  that  tulips  could  be  eaten,  or 
manufactured,  or  consumed  in  any  way  of  practical  use 
fulness.  They  have  not  one  single  quality  of  the  kind 
termed  useful.  They  have  nothing  desirable  except 
the  beauty  of  a  peculiarly  short-lived  blossom.  You 
can  do  absolutely  nothing  with  them  except  to  look  at 
them.  A  speculation  in  them  is  exactly  as  reasonable 
as  one  in  butterflies  would  be. 

In  the  course  of  about  one  year,  1634-5,  the  tulip 
frenzy,  after  having  increased  for  fifteen  or  twenty 
years  with  considerable  speed,  came  to  a  climax,  and 
poisoned  the  whole  Dutch  nation.  Prices  had  at  the 
end  of  this  short  period  risen  from  high  to  extravagant, 
and  from  extravagant  to  insane.  High  and  low,  counts, 
burgomasters,  merchants,  shop-keepers,  servants,  shoe 
blacks,  all  were  buying  and  selling  tulips  like  mad.  In 
order  to  make  the  commodity  of  the  day  accessible  to 
all,  a  new  weight  was  invented,  called  a  perit,  so  small 
that  there  were  about  eight  thousand  of  them  in  one 
pound  avoirdupois,  and  a  single  tulip  root  weighing 
from  half  an  ounce  to  an  ounce,  would  contain  from 
200  to  400  of  these  perits.  Thus,  anybody  unable  to 
buy  a  whole  tulip,  could  buy  a  perit  or  two,  and  have 
what  the  lawyers  call  an  "  undivided  interest"  in  a  root. 
This  way  of  owning  shows  how  utterly  unreal  was  the 
pretended  value.  For  imagine  a  small  owner  attempt 
ing  to. take  his  own  perits  and  put  them  in  his  pocket. 
He  would  make  a  little  hole  in  the  tulip-root,  would 
probably  kill  it,  and  would  certainly  obtain  a  little  bit 
of  utterly  worthless  pulp  for  himself,  and  no  value  at 
all.  There  was  a  whole  code  of  business  regulations 


MONEY    MANIAS.  207 

made  to  meet  the  peculiar  needs  of  the  tulip  business, 
besides,  and  in  every  town  were  to  be  found  "  tulip-no 
taries,"  to  conduct  the  legal  part  of  the  business,  take 
acknowledgments  of  deeds,  note  protests,  &c. 

To  say  that  the  tulips  were  worth  their  weight  in 
gold  would  be  a  very  small  story.  It  would  not  be  a 
very  great  exaggeration  to  say  that  they  were  worth 
their  size  in  diamonds.  The  most  valuable  species  of 
all  wras  named  "  Semper  Augustus,"  and  a  bulb  of  it 
which  weighed  200  perits,  or  less  than  half  an  ounce 
avoirdupois,  was  thought  cheap  at  5,500  florins.  A 
florin  may  be  called  about  40  cents  ;  so  that  the  little 
brown  root  was  worth  $2,200,  or  220  gold  eagles, 
which  would  weigh,  by  a  rough  estimate,  eight  pounds 
four  ounces,  or  132  ounces  avoirdupois.  Thus  this  half 
ounce  Semper  Augustus  was  worth  —  I  mean  he  would 
bring  —  two  hundred  and  sixty-four  times  his  weight  in 
gold! 

There  were  many  cases  where  people  invested  whole 
fortunes  equal  to  $40,000  or  $50,000  in  collections  of 
forty  or  fifty  tulip  roots.  Once  there  happened  to  be 
only  two  Semper  Augustuses  in  all  Holland,  one  in 
Haarlem  and  one  in  Amsterdam.  The  Haarlem  one 
was  sold  for  twelve  acres  of  building  lots,  and  the  Am 
sterdam  one  for  a  sum  equal  to  $1,840,00,  together 
with  a  new  carriage,  span  of  grey  horses  and  double 
harness,  complete. 

Here  is  the  list  of  merchandise  and  estimated  prices 
given  for  one  root  of  the  Viceroy  tulip.  It  is  interest 
ing  as  showing  what  real  merchandise  was  worth  in 
those  days  by  a  cash  standard,  aside  from  its  exhibition 
of  tremendous  speculative  bedlamism  : 


208  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

160  bushels  wheat  .         .      $179,20 

320  bushels  rye          .  .             223,20 

Four  fat  oxen        .  .          .         192,00 

Eight  fat  hogs             .  .          .      96,00 

Twelve  fat  sheep  .          .           48,00 

Two  hogsheads  wine  .         .       28,00 

Four  tuns  beer  .         .           12,80 

Two  tuns  butter       .  .         .       76,80 

1000  Ibs.  cheese  .         .            48,00 

A  bed  all  complete  .         .        40,00 

One  suit  clothes  .         .            32,00 

A  silver  drinking  cup  .         .        24,00 


Total  exactly  $1,000,00 

In  1636,  regular  tulip  exchanges  were  established  in 
the  nine  Dutch  towns  where  the  largest  tulip  business 
was  done,  and  while  the  gambling  was  at  its  intensest,  the 
matter  was  managed  exactly  as  stock  camblinor  is  man- 

O  «/  O 

aged  in  Wall  street  to-day.  You  went  out  into  "  the 
street  "  without  owning  a  tulip  or  a  perit  of  a  tulip  in 
the  world,  and  met  another  fellow  with  just  as  many 
tulips  as  yourself.  You  talk  and  "  banter  "  with  him, 
and  finally  (we  will  suppose)  you  "  sell  short  "  ten 
Semper  Augustuses,  "  seller  three,"  for  §2,000  each, 
in  all  $20,000.  This  means  in  ordinary  English,  that 
without  having  any  tulips  (i.  e.,  short,)  you  promise  to 
deliver  the  ten  roots  as  above  in  three  days  from  date. 
Now  when  the  three  days  are  up,  if  Semper  Augustuses 
are  worth  in  the  market  only  $1,500,  you  could,  if  this 
were  a  real  transaction,  buy  ten  of  them  for  $15,000,  and 
deliver  them  to  the  other  gambler  for  $20,000,  thus 
winning  from  him  the  difference  of  $5,000.  But  if  the 


MONEY    MANIAS.  209 

roots  have  risen  and  are  worth  $2,500  each,  then  if  the 
transactions  were  real  you  would  have  to  pay  ,$25,000 
for  the  ten  roots  and  could  only  get  $20,000  from  the 
other  gambler,  and  he,  turning  round  and  selling  them 
at  the  market  price,  would  win  from  you  this  difference 
of  $5,000.  But  in  fact  the  transaction  was  not  real, 
it  was  a  stock  gambling  one  ;  neither  party  owned  tu 
lips  or  meant  to,  or  expected  the  other  to  ;  and  the 
whole  was  a  pure  game  of  chance  or  skill,  to  see  which 
should  win  and  which  should  lose  that  $5,000  at  the 
end  of  three  days.  When  the  time  came,  the  affair 
was  settled,  still  without  any  tulips,  by  the  loser  paying 
the  difference  to  the  winner,  exactly  as  one  loses  what 
the  other  wins  at  a  game  of  poker  or  faro.  Of  course 
if  you  can  set  afloat  a  smart  lie  after  making  your  bar 
gain,  such  as  will  send  prices  up  or  down  as  your  profit 
requires,  you  make  money  by  it,  just  as  stock  gamblers 
do  every  day  in  New  York,  London,  Paris,  and  other 
Christian  commercial  cities. 

While  this  monstrous  Dutch  gambling  fury  lasted, 
money  was  plenty,  everybody  felt  rich  and  Holland  was 
in  a  whiz  of  windy  delight.  After  about  three  years  of 
fool's  paradise,  people  began  to  reflect  that  the  shuttle 
cock  could  not  be  knocked  about  in  the  air  forever,  and 
that  when  it  came  down  somebody  would  be  hurt.  So 
first  one  and  then  another  began  quietly  to  sell  out  and 
quit  the  game,  without  buying  in  again.  This  cautious 
infection  quickly  spread  like  a  pestilence,  as  it  always 
does  in  such  cases,  and  became  a  perfect  panic  or 
fright.  All  at  once,  as  it  were,  rich  people  all  over 
Holland  found  themselves  with  nothing  in  the  world 


210  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

except  a  pocket  full  or  a  garden-bed  full  of  flower  roots 
that  nobody  would  buy  and  that  were  not  good  to  eat, 
and  would  not  have  made  more  than  one  tureen  of  soup 
if  they  were. 

Of  course  this  state  of  things  caused  innumerable 
bankruptcies,  quarrels,  and  refusals  to  complete  bar 
gains,  everywhere.  The  government  and  the  courts 
were  appealed  to,  but  with  Dutch  good  sense  they  re 
fused  to  enforce  gambling  transactions,  and  though  the 
cure  was  very  severe  because  very  sudden,  they  prefer- 
ed  to  let  "the  bottom  drop  out"  of  the  whole  affair  at 
once.  So  it  did.  Almost  everybody  was  either  ruined 
or  impoverished.  The  very  few  who  had  kept  any  or 
all  of  their  gains  by  selling  out  in  season,  remained  so 
far  rich.  And  the  vast  actual  business  interests  of  Hol 
land  received  a  damaging  check,  from  which  it  took  many 
years  to  recover. 

There  were  some  curious  incidents  in  the  course  of 
the  tulipomania.  They  have  been  told  before,  but  they 
are  worth  telling  again,  as  the  poet  says,  "  To  point  the 
moral  or  adorn  the  tale.'r 

A  sailor  brought  to  a  rich  Dutch  merchant   news  of 

O 

the  safe  arrival  of  a  very  valuable  cargo  from  the  Le 
vant.  The  old  hunks  rewarded  the  mariner  for  his  good 
tidings  with  one  red  herring  for  breakfast.  Now  Ben 
Bolt  (if  that  was  his  name  —  perhaps  as  he  was  a 
Dutchman  it  was  something  like  Benje  Boltje)  was 
very  fond  of  onions,  and  spying  one  on  the  counter  as 
he  went  out  of  the  store,  he  slipped  it  into  his  pocket, 
and  strolling  back  to  the  wharf,  sat  down  to  an  odorif- 


MONEY    MANIAS.  211 


ous  breakfast  of  onions  and  herring.  He  munched 
away  without  finding  anything  unusual  in  the  flavor, 
until  just  as  he  was  through,  down  came  Mr.  Merchant, 
tearing  along  like  a  madman  at  the  head  of  an  excited 
procession  of  clerks,  and  flying  upon  the  luckless  son  of 
Neptune,  demanded  what  he  had  carried  off  besides  his 
herring  ? 

O 

"  An  onion  that  I  found  on  the  counter." 
"  Where  is  it  ?  Give  it  back  instantly  !  " 
"  Just  ate  it  up  with  my  herring,  mynheer." 
Wretched  merchant !  In  a  fury  of  useless  grief  he 
apprized  the  sailor  that  his  sacrilegious  back  teeth  had 
demolished  a  Semper  Augustus  valuable  enough,  explain 
ed  the  unhappy  old  fellow,  to  have  feasted  the  Prince  of 
Orange  and  the  Stadtholder's  whole  court.  "  Thieves  !  " 
he  cried  out —  "  Seize  the  rascal !  "  So  they  did  seize 
him,  and  he  was  actually  tried,  condemned  and  impris 
oned  for  some  months,  all  of  which  however  did  not 
bring  back  the  tulip  root.  It  is  a  question  after  all  in 
my  mind,  whether  that  sailor  was  really  as  green  as  he 
pretended,  and  whether  he  did  not  know  very  well 
what  he  was  taking.  It  would  have  been  just  like  a 
reckless  seaman's  trick  to  eat  up  the  old  miser's  twelve 
hundred  dollar  root,  to  teach  him  not  to  give  such  stingy 
gifts  next  time. 

An  English  traveller,  very  fond  of  botany,  was  one 
day  in  the  conservatory  of  a  rich  Dutchman,  when  he 
saw  a  strange  bulb  lying  on  a  shelf.  With  that  ex 
treme  coolness  and  selfishness  which  too  many  travel 
lers  have  exercised,  what  does  he  do  but  take  out  his 


212  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

penknife  and  carefully  dissect  it,  peeling  off  the  outer 
coats,  and  quartering  the  innermost  part,  making  all 
the  time  a  great  many  wise  observations  on  the  phe 
nomena  of  the  strange  new  root.  In  came  the  Dutch 
man  all  at  once,  and  seeing  what  was  going  on,  he 
asked  the  Englishman,  with  rage  in  his  eyes,  but  with 
a  low  bow  and  that  sort  of  restrained  formal  civility 
which  sometimes  covers  the  most  furious  anger,  if  he 
knew  what  he  was  about  ? 

"  Peeling  a  very  curious  onion,"  answered  Mr.  Trav 
eller,  us  calmly  as  if  one  had  a  perfect  right  to  destroy 
other  people's  property  to  gratify  his  own  curiosity. 

"  One  hundred  thousand  devils !  "  burst  out  the 
Dutchman,  expressing  the  extent  of  his  anger  by  the 
number  of  evil  spirits  he  invoked  — "  It  is  an  Admiral 
van  der  Eyck  !  "  , 

"  Indeed  ?  "  remarked  the  scientific  traveller,  "  thank 
you.  Are  there  a  good  many  of  these  admirals  in  your 
country  ?  "  and  he  drew  forth  his  note  book  to  write 
down  the  little  fact. 

"  Death  and  the  devil  !  "  swore  the  enraged  Dutch 
man  again  —  "  come  before  the  Syndic  and  you  shall 
find  out  all  abofct  it !  "  So  he  collared  the  astounded 
onion-peeler,  and  despite  all  he  could  say,  dragged  him 
straightway  before  the  magistrate,  where  his  scientific 
zeal  suffered  a  dreadful  quencher  in  the  shape  of  an 
affidavit  that  the  "onion"  was  worth  four  thousand 
florins  —  about  $1600  —  and  in  the  immediate  judg 
ment  of  the  Court,  which  "  considered  "  that  the  pris 
oner  be  forthwith  clapt  into  jail  until  he  should  give 
security  for  the  amount.  He  had  to  do  so  accordingly, 


MONEY   MANIAS.  213 

and  doubtless  all  his  life  retained  a  distaste  for  Dutch 
men  and  Dutch  onions. 

These  stories  about  such  monstrous  valuations  of 
flower  roots  recall  to  my  mind  another  anecdote  which 
I  shall  tell,  not  because  it  has  anything  to  do  with  tu 
lips,  but  because  it  is  about  a  Dutchman,  and  shows  in 
striking  contrast  an  equally  low  valuation  of  human 
life.  It  is  this  :  Once,  in  time  of  peace,  an  English 
and  a  Dutch  Admiral  met  at  sea,  each  in  his  flag  ship, 
and  for  some  reason  or  other  exchanged  complimentary 
salutes.  By  accident,  one  of  the  Englishman's  guns 
was  shotted  and  misdirected,  and  killed  one  of  the 
Dutch  crew.  On  hearing  the  fact  the  Englishman  at 
once  manned  a  boat  and  went  to  apologize,  to  inquire 
about  the  poor  fellow's  family  and  to  send  them  some 
mone}'.  provide  for  the  funeral,  etc.  etc.,  as  a  kind 
hearted  man  would  naturally  do.  But  the  Dutch 
commander,  on  meeting  him  at  the  quarter-deck,  and 
learning  his  errand,  at  once  put  all  his  kindly  intentions 
completely  one  side,  saying  in  imperfect  English  : 

"  It'sh  no  matter,  it'sh  no  matter  —  dere's  blaanty 
more  Tutchmen  in  Holland  ! 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

JOHN  BULL'S  GREAT  MONEY    HUMBUG. THE    SOUTH  SEA 

BUBBLE  IN    1720. 

The '"South  Sea  Bubble"  is  one  of  the  most  start 
ling  lessons   which   history  gives   us  of  the  ease  with 


214  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

which  the  most  monstrous,  and  absurd,  and  wicked 
humbugs  can  be  crammed  down  the  throat  of  poor  hu 
man  nature.  It  ought  also  to  be  a  useful  warning  of 
the  folly  of  mere  "  speculation,"  as  compared  with  real 
"  business  undertakings."  The  history  of  the  South  Sea 
Bubble  has  been  told,  before,  but  it  is  too  prominent  a 
case  to  be  entirely  passed  over.  It  occupied  a  period 
of  about  eight  months,  from  February  1,  1720,  to  the 
end  of  the  following  September.  It  was  an  unreason 
able  expansion  of  the  value  of  the  stock  of  the  "  South 
Sea  Company."  This  Company  was  formed  in  1711 ; 
its  stock  was  at  first  about  $30,000,000,  subscribed  by 
the  public  and  handed  over  by  the  corporators  to  Gov 
ernment  to  meet  certain  troublesome  public  debts.  In 
return,  Government  guaranteed  the  stockholders  a  div 
idend  of  six  per  cent.,  and  gave  the  Company  sundry 
permanent  important  duties  and  a  monopoly  of  all  trade 
to  the  South  Pacific,  or  "  South  Sea."  This  matter 
went  on  with  fair  success  as  a  money  enterprise,  until 
the  birth  of  the  u  Bubble,"  which  was  as  follows  :  —  In 
the  end  of  January,  1720,  probably  in  consequence  of 
catching  infection  from  "  Law's  Mississippi  Scheme " 
in  France,  the  South  Sea  Company  and  the  Bank  of 
England  made  competing  propositions  to  the  English 
Government,  to  repeat  the  original  South  Sea  Compa 
ny  financiering  plan  on  a  larger  scale.  The  proposi 
tion  of  the  Company,  which  was  accepted  by  Govern 
ment,  was  :  to  assume  as  before  the  whole  public  debt, 
now  amounting  to  over  one  hundred  and  fifty  millions 
of  dollars  ;  and  to  be  guaranteed  at  first  a  five  per  cent, 
dividend,  and  afterward  a  four  per  cent,  one,  to  the 


MONEY   MANIAS.  215 

stockholders  by  Government.  For  this  privilege,  the 
Company  agreed  to  pay  outright  a  bonus  of  more  than 
seventeen  million  dollars.  This  plan  is  said  to  have 
been  originated  and  principally  carried  through  by  Sir 
John  Blunt,  one  of  the  Company's  directors.  Parlia 
ment  adopted  it  after  two  months'  discussion  —  the 
Bubble  having,  however,  been  swelling  monstrously  all 
the  time. 

It  must  be  remembered  that  the  wonderful  profits 
expected  from  the  Company  were  to  come  from  their 
monopoly  of  the  South  Sea  trade.  Tremendous  stories 
were  told  by  Blunt  and  his  friends,  who  can  hardly 
have  believed  more  than  one  half  of  their  own  talk, 
about  a  free  trade  with  all  the  Spanish  Pacific  colonies, 
the  importation  of  silver  and  gold  from  Peru  and  Mex 
ico  in  return  for  dry  goods,  etc.,  etc.;  all  which  fine 
things  were  going  to  produce  two  or  three  times  the 
amount  of  the  Company's  stock  every  year.  When 
the  bill  authorizing  the  arrangement  passed,  South  Sea 
stock  had  already  reached  a  price  of  four  hundred  per 
cent.  The  bill  was  stoutly  opposed  in  Parliament  by 
Mr. —  afterwards  Sir  —  Robert  Walpole,  and  a  few 
others  but  in  vain.  Under  the  operation  of  the  beau 
tiful  stories  of  the  speculative  Blunt  and  his  friends, 
South  Sea  stock,  after  a  short  lull  in  April,  began  to 
rise  again,  and  the  bubble  swelled  and  swelled  to  a  size 
so  monstrous,  and  with  colors  so  gay,  that  it  filled  the 
whole  horizon  of  poor  foolish  John  Bull: — perfectly 
turned  his  bull-headed  brain,  and  made  him  for  the 
time  absolutely  crazy.  The  directors  opened  books  on 
April  12th  for  <£5, 000,000  new  stock,  charging,  how- 


216  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

ever,  £300  for  each  share  of  =£100,  or  three  hundred 
per  cent,  to  begin  with.  Double  the  amount  was  sub 
scribed  in  a  few  clays ;  that  is,  John  Bull  subscribed 
thirty  million  dollars  for  ten  millions  of  stock,  where 
only  five  millions  were  to  be  had.  In  a  few  days  more, 
these  subscribers  were  selling  at  double  what  they  paid. 
April  21st.  a  ten  per  cent,  dividend  was  voted  for  mid 
summer.  In  a  day  or  two,  another  five  million  sub 
scription  was  opened  at  four  hundred  per  cent,  to  begin 
with.  The  whole,  and  half  as  much  more,  was  taken 
in  a  few  hours.  In  the  end  of  May,  South  Sea  stock 
was  worth  five  hundred  to  one.  On  the  28th,  it  was 
five  hundred  and  fifty.  In  four  days  more,  for  some 
reason  or  other,  it  jumped  up  to  eight  hundred  and 
ninety.  The  speculating  Blunt  kept  all  this  time  blow 
ing  and  blowing  at  his  bubble.  All  summer,  he  and 
his  friends  blew  and  blew  ;  and  all  summer  the  bubble 
swelled  and  floated,  and  shone ;  and  high  and  low,  men 
and  women,  lords  and  ladies,  clergymen,  princesses  and 
duchesses,  merchants,  gamblers,  tradesmen,  dressmak 
ers,  footmen,  bought  and  sold.  In  the  beginning  of 
August,  South  Sea  stock  stood  at  one  thousand  per 
cent !  It  was  really  worth  about  twenty-five  per  cent. 
The  crowding  in  Exchange  Alley,  the  Wall  street  of 
the  day,  was  tremendous.  So  noisy,  and  unmanage 
able  and  excited  was  this  mob  of  greedy  fools,  that  the 
very  same  stock  was  sometimes  selling  ten  per  cent, 
higher  at  one  end  of  the  Alley  than  at  the  other. 

The  growth  of  this  monstrous,  noxious  bubble  hatch 
ed  out  a  multitude  of  young  cockatrices.  Not  only  was 
the  stock  of  the  India  Company,  the  Bank  of  England, 


MONEY    MANIAS.  217 

and  other  sound  concerns,  much  increased  in  price  by 
sympathy  with  this  fury  of  speculation,  but  a  great 
number  of  utterly  ridiculous  schemes  and  barefaced 
swindles  were  ad\rertised  and  successfully  imposed  on 
the  public.  Any  piece  of  paper  purporting  to  be  stock 
could  be  sold  for  money.  Not  the  least  thought  of  in- 
vestio-atinp;  the  solvency  of  advertisers  seems  to  have  oc- 

Cr^  o  t/ 

curred  to  anybody.  Nor  was  any  rank  free  from  the 
poison.  Almost  a  hundred  projects  were  before  the 
public  at  once,  some  of  them  incredibly  brazen  hum 
bugs.  There  were  schemes  for  a  wheel  for  perpetual 
motion — capital,  $ 5, 000. 000;  for  trading  in  hair  (for 
wigs),  in  those  days  ua  big  thing;"  for  furnishing 
funerals  to  any  part  of  Britain  ;  for  "  improving  the  art 
if  making  soap  ;  "  for  importing  walnut-trees  from  Vir 
ginia  —  capital,  $10.000,000  ;  for  insuring  against  losses 
hy  servants  —  capital  $15,000,000  ;  for  making  quick 
silver  malleable  ;  '•  Puckle's  Machine  Company,"  for 
discharging  cannon-balls  and  bullets,  both  round  and 

O        O 

square,  and  so  on.  One  colossal  genius  in  humbugging 
actually  advertised  in  these  words  :  "  A  company  for 
carrying  on  an  undertaking  of  great  advantage,  but  no 
body  to  know  what  it  is."  The  capital  he  called  for  was 
$2,500,000,  in  shares  of  $500  each  ;  deposit  on  subscrib 
ing,  $10  per  share.  Each  subscriber  was  promised  $500 
per  share  per  annum,  and  full  particulars  were  to  be 
given  in  a  month,  when  the  rest  of  the  subscription 
was  to  be  paid.  This  great  financier,  having  put  forth 
his  prospectus,  opened  his  office  in  Cornhill  next  morn 
ing  at  nine  o'clock.  Crowds  pressed  upon  him.  At 
three  p.  M.,  John  Bull  had  paid  this  immense  humbug 


218  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

$10,000,  being  deposits  on  a  thousand  shares  subscribed 
for.  That  night,  the  financier  —  a  shrewd  man!  — 
modestly  retired  to  an  unknown  place  upon  the  Conti 
nent,  and  was  never  heard  of  again.  Another  humbug 
almost  as  preposterous,  was  that  of  the  "  Globe  Permits." 
These  were  square  pieces  of  playing-cards  with  a  seal 
on  them,  haA^ing  the  picture  of  the  Globe  Tavern,  and 
with  the  words,  "  Sailcloth  Permits."  What  they 
"  permitted  "  was  a  subscription  at  some  future  period 
to  a  sailcloth-factory,  projected  by  a  certain  capitalist. 
These  "  permits  "  sold  at  one  time  for  -$300  each. 

But  the  more  sensible  members  of  Government  soon 
exerted  their  influence  against  these  lesser  and  more 
palpable  humbugs.  Some  accounts  say  that  the  South 
Sea  Company  itself  grew  jealous,  for  it  was  reckoned 
that  these  "  side-shows  "  called  for  a  total  amount  of 
$1,500,000,000,  and  itself  took  legal  means  against 
them.  At  any  rate,  an  "  order  in  council  "  was  pub 
lished,  peremptorily  dismissing  and  dissolving  them  all. 

During  August,  it  leaked  out  that  Sir  John  Blunt 
and  some  other  "  insiders  "  had  sold  out  their  South 
Sea  stock.  There  was  also  some  charges  of  unfairness 
in  managing  subscriptions.  After  so  long  and  so  in 
tense  an  excitement,  the  time  for  reaction  and  collapse 
was  come.  The  price  of  stock  began  to  fall  in  spite  of 
all  that  the  directors  could  do.  September  2,  it  was 
down  to  700. 

A  general  meeting  of  the  company  was  held  to  try 
to  whitewash  matters,  but  in  vain.  The  stock  fell,  fell, 
fell.  The  great  humbug  had-  received  its  death-blow. 
Thousands  of  families  saw  beggary  staring  them  in  the 


MONEY    MANIAS.  219 

face,  grasping  them  with  its  iron  hand.  The  conster 
nation  was  inexpressible.  Out  of  it  a  great  popular 
rage  began  to  flame  np,  just  as  fires  often  break  out 
among  the  prostrate  houses  of  a  city  ruined  by  an  earth 
quake.  Efforts  were  meanwhile  vainly  made  to  stay 
the  ruin  by  help  from  the  Bank  of  England.  Bankers 
and  goldsmiths  (then  often  doing  a  banking  business) 
absconded  daily.  Business  corporations  failed.  Credit 
was  almost  paralyzed.  In  the  end  of  September,  the 
stock  fell  to  175/150,  135. 

Meanwhile  violent  riots  were  feared.  South  Sea  di 
rectors  could  not  be  seen  in  the  streets  without  being 
insulted.  The  King,  then  in  Hanover,  was  imperative 
ly  sent  for  home,  and  had  to  come.  So  extensive  was 
the  misfortune  and  the  wrath  of  the  people,  so  numer 
ous  the  public  meetings  and  petitions  from  all  over  the 
kingdom,  that  Parliament  found  it  necessary  to  grant 
the  public  demand,  and  to  initiate  a  formal  inquiry  into 
the  whole  enterprise.  This  was  done ;  and  the  fool 
ish,  swindled,  disappointed,  angry  nation,  through  this 
proceeding,  vented  all  the  wrath  it  could  upon  the  per 
sons  and  estates  of  the  manao-ers  and  officers  of  the 

O 

South  Sea  Company.  They  were  forbidden  to  leave 
the  kingdom,  their  property  \vas  sequestrated,  they  were 
placed  in  custody  and  examined.  Those  of  them  in 
Parliament  were  insulted  there  to  their  faces,  several  of 
them  expelled,  the  most  violent  charges  made  against 
them  all,  A  secret  investigating  committee  was  set  to 
rip  up  the  whole  affair.  Knight,  the  treasurer,  who 
possessed  all  the  dangerous  secrets  of  the  concern,  ran 
away  to  Calais  and  the  Continent,  and  so  escaped. 
The  books  were  found  to  have  been  either  destroyed, 


220  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

secreted,  or  mutilated  and  garbled.  Stock  bribes  of 
$250,000,  $150,000,  $50,000  had  been  paid  to  the  Earl 
of  Sunderland,  the  Duchess  of  Kendal  (the  King's  fa 
vorite,)  Mr.  Craggs  (one  of  the  Secretaries  of  State,) 
and  others.  Mr.  Aislabie,  the  Chancellor  of  the  Ex 
chequer,  had  accumulated  $4,250,000  and  more  out  of 
the  business.  Many  other  noblemen,  gentlemen,  and 
reputable  merchants  were  disgracefully  involved. 

The  trials  that  were  had  resulted  in  the  imprison 
ment,  expulsion  or  degradation  of  Aislabie,  Craggs,  Sir 
George  Caswell  (a  banker  and  member  of  the  House,) 
and  others.  Blunt,  a  Mr.  Stanhope,  and  a  number 
more  of  the  chief  criminals  were  stripped  of  their  wealth, 
amounting  to  from  $135,000  to  $1.200,000  each,  and 
the  proceeds  used  for  the  partial  relief  of  the  ruined, 
except  amounts  left  to  the  culprits  to  begin  the  world 
anew.  Blunt,  the  chief  of  all  the  swindlers,  was  strip 
ped  of  about  $925,000,  and  allowed  only  $5,000.  By 
this  means  and  by  the  use  of  such  actual  property  as 
the  Company  did  possess,  about  one-third  of  the  money 
lost  by  its  means  was  ultimately  paid  to  the  losers.  It 
was  a  long  time,  however,  before  the  tone  of  public 
credit  was  thoroughly  restored. 

The  history  of  the  South  Sea  bubble  should  always 
stand  as  a  beacon  to  warn  us  that  reckless  speculation 
is  the  bane  of  commerce,  and  that  the  only  sure  meth 
od  of  gaining  a  fortune,  and  certainly  of  enjoying  it,  is 
to  diligently  prosecute  some  legitimate  calling,  which, 
like  the  quality  of  mercy,  is  "  twice  blessed."  Every 
man's  occupation  should  be  beneficial  to  his  fellow-man 
as  well  as  profitable  to  himself.  All  else  is  vanity  and 
folly. 


MONEY    MANIAS.  221 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

BUSINESS      HUMBUGS. JOHN      LAW. THE     MISSISSIPPI 

SCHEME. JOHNNY  CRAPAUD  AS  GREEDY    AS    JOHNNY 

BULL. 

In  the  "  good  old  times,"  people  were  just  as  eager 
after  money  as  they  are  now  ;  and  a  great  deal  more 
vulgar,  unscrupulous,  and  foolish  in  their  endeavors  to 
get  it.  During  about  two  hundred  years  after  the  dis 
covery  of  America,  that  continent  was  a  constant  source 
of  great  and  little  money  humbugs.  The  Spaniards 
and  Portuguese  and  French  and  English  all  insisted 
upon  thinking  that  America  was  chiefly  made  of  gold  ; 
perhaps  believing,  as  the  man  said  about  Colorado,  that 
the  hardship  of  the  place  was,  that  you  have  to  dig 
through  three  or  four  feet  of  solid  silver  before  the 
gold  could  be  reached.  .  This  curious  delusion  is  shown 
by  the  fact  that  the  early  charters  of  lands  in  America 
so  uniformly  reserved  to  the  King  his  proportion  of  all 
gold  and  silver  that  should  be  found.  And  if  gold 
were  not  to  be  had,  these  lazy  Europeans  were  equally 
crazy  about  the  rich  merchandize  which  they  made  sure 
of  finding  in  the  vast  and  solitary  American  mountains 
and  forests. 

In  a  previous  letter,  I  have  shown  how  one  of  those 
delusions,  about  the  unbounded  wealth  to  be  obtained 
from  the  countries  on  the  South  Sea,  caused  the  English 
South  Sea  bubble. 


222  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

A  similar  belief,  at  the  same  time,  in  the  neighboring 
country  of  France,  formed  the  airy  basis  of  a  similar 
business  humbug,  even  more  gigantic,  noxious,  and  de 
structive.  This  was  John  Law's  Mississippi  scheme, 
of  which  I  shall  give  an  account  in  this  chapter.  It 
was,  I  think,  the  greatest  business  humbug  of  history. 

Law  was  a  Scotchman,  shrewd  and  able,  a  really 
good  financier  for  those  days,  but  vicious,  a  gambler, 
unprincipled,  and  liable  to  wild  schemes.  He  had  pos 
sessed  a  good  deal  of  property,  had  traveled  and  gam 
bled  all  over  Europe,  was  witty,  entertaining,  and  cap 
ital  company,  and  had  become  a  favorite  with  the  Duke 
of  Orleans  and  other  French  nobles.  When  the  Duke 
became  Regent  of  France  at  the  death  of  Louis  XIV, 
in  1715,  that  country  was  horribly  in  debt,  and  its  peo 
ple  in  much  misery,  owing  to  the  costly  wars  and  flay 
ing  taxations  of  the  late  King.  When,  therefore,  Law 
came  to  Paris  with  a  promising  scheme  of  finance  in 
his  hand,  the  Regent  was  particularly  glad  to  see  him, 
both  as  financier  and  as  friend. 

The  Regent  quickly  fell  in  with  Law's  plans  ;  and  in 
the  spring  of  1716,  the  first  step  —  not,  however,  so  in 
tended  at  the  time  —  toward  the  Mississippi  Scheme 
was  taken.  This  was,  the  establishment  by  royal  au 
thority  of  the  banking  firm  of  Law  &  Co.,  consisting 
of  Law  and  his  brother.  This  bank,  by  a  judicious  or 
ganization  and  issue  of  paper  money,  quickly  began  to 
help  the  distressed  finances  of  the  kingdom,  and  to  in 
vigorate  trade  and  commerce.  This  success,  which 
seems  to  have  been  an  entirely  sound  and  legitimate 
business  success,  made  one  sadly  mistaken  but  very 


MONEY    MANIAS.  223 

deep  impression  upon  the  ignorant  and  shallow  mind  of 
the  Regent  of  France,  which  was  the  foundation  of  all 
the  subsequent  trouble.  The  Regent  became  firmly 
convinced,  that  if  a  certain  quantity  of  bank  bills  could 
do  so  much  good,  a  hundred  thousand  times  as  many 
bills  would  surely  do  a  hundred  thousand  times  as  much. 
That  is,  he  thought  printing  and  issuing  the  bills  was 
creating  money.  He  paid  no  regard  to  the  need  of 
providing  specie  for  them  on  demand,  but  thought  he 
had  an  unlimited  money  factory  in  the  city  of  Pans. 

So  far,  so  good.  Next,  Law  planned,  and,  with  the 
ever  ready  consent  of  the  Regent,  effected,  an  enlarge 
ment  of  the  business  of  his  bank,  based  on  that  delu 
sion  I  spoke  of  about  America.  This  enlargement  was 
the  formation  of  the  Mississippi  Company,  and  this  was 
the  contrivance  which  swelled  into  so  tremendous  a 
humbug.  The  company  was  closely  connected  with  the 
banks,  and  received  (to  begin  with)  the  monopoly  of  all 
trade  to  the  Mississippi  River,  and  all  the  country  west 
of  it.  It  was  expected  to  obtain  vast  quantities  of  gold 
and  silver  from  that  region,  and  thus  to  make  immense 
dividends  on  its  stock.  At  home,  it  was  to  have  the 
sole  charge  of  collecting  all  the  taxes  and  coining  all 
the  money.  Stock  was  issued  to  the  amount  of  one 
hundred  thousand  shares,  at  $200  (five  hundred  livres) 
each.  And  Law's  help  to  the  Government  funds  was 
continued  by  permitting  this  stock  to  be  paid  for  in 
those  funds,  at  their  par  value,  though  worth  in  market 
only  about  a  third  of  it.  Subscriptions  came  in  rapidly 
—  for  the  French  community  was  far  more  ignorant 
about  commercial  affairs,  finances,  and  the  real  re- 


224  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

sources  of  distant  regions,  than  we  can  easily  conceive 
of  now-a-days  ;  and  not  only  the  Regent,  but  every 
man,  woman,  and  child  in  France,  except  a  very  few 
tough  and  hard-headed  old  skeptics,  believed  every 
word  Law  said,  and  would  have  believed  him  if  he  had 
told  stories  a  hundred  times  as  incredible. 

Well,  pretty  soon  the  Regent  gave  the  associates  — 
the  bank  and  the  company — two  other  monopolies: 
that  of  tobacco,  always  monstrously  profitable,  and  that 
of  refining  gold  and  silver.  Pretty  soon,  again,  he 
created  the  bank  a  state  institution,  by- the  magnificent 
name  of  The  Royal  Bank  of  France.  Having  done 
this,  the  Regent  could  control  the  bank  in  spite  of  Law 
(or  order  either)  ;  for,  in  those  days,  the  kings  of 
France  were  almost  perfectly  despotic,  and  the  Regent 
was  acting  king.  I  have  mentioned  the  Regent's  ter 
rible  delusion  about  paper-money.  No  sooner  had  he 
the  bank  in  his  power,  than  he  added  to  the  reasonable 
and  useful  total  of  812,000,000  of  notes  already  out,  a 
monstrous  issue  of  $200,000,000  worth  in  one  vast 
batch,  with  the  firm  conviction  that  he  was  thus  adding 
so  much  to  the  par  currency  of  France. 

The  Parliament  of  France,  a  body  mostly  of  lawyers, 
originating  in  the  Middle  Ages,  a  steady,  conservative, 
wise,  and  brave  assembly,  was  always  hostile  to  Law 
and  his  schemes.  When  this  great  expansion  of  paper- 
currency  began,  the  Parliament  made  a  resolute  fight 
against  it,  petitioning,  ordaining,  threatening  to  hang 
Law,  and  frightening  him  well,  too  ;  for  the  thorough  en 
mity  of  an  assembly  of  old  lawyers  may  well  frighten 
anybody.  At  last,  the  Regent,  by  the  use  of  the  des- 


MONEY    MANIAS.  225 

potic  power  of  which  the  Kings  of  France  had  so  much, 
reduced  these  old  fellows  to  silence  by  sticking  a  few 
of  them  in  jail. 

The  cross-grained  Parliament  thus  disposed  of,  every 
thing  was  quickly  made  to  "look  lovely."  In  the  be 
ginning  of  1719,  more  grants  were  made  to  Law's  asso 
ciated  concerns.  The  Mississippi  Company  was  granted 
the  monopoly  of  all  trade  to  the  East  Indies,  China,  the 
South  Seas,  and  all  the  territories  of  the  French  India 
Company,  and  of  the  Senegal  Company.  It  took  a 
new  and  imposing  name  :  "  The  Company  of  the  In 
dies."  They  had  already,  by  the  way,  also  obtained 
the  monopoly  of  the  Canada  beaver-trade.  Of  this  co 
lossal  corporation,  monopolizing  the  whole  foreign  com 
merce  of  France  with  two-thirds  or  more  of  the  world, 
its  whole  home  finances,  and  other  important  interests 
besides,  fifty  thousand  new  shares  were  issued,  as  before, 
at  $100  each.  These  might  be  bought  as  before,  with 
Government  securities  at  par.  Law  was  so  bold  as  to 
promise  annual  dividends  of  §20  per  share,  which,  as 
the  Government  funds  stood,  was  one  hundred  and 
twenty  per  cent,  per  annum.!  Every  body  believed 
him.  More  than  three  hundred  thousand  applications 
were  made  for  the  new  shares.  Law  was  besieged  in 
his  house  by  more  than  twice  as  many  people  as  Gener 
al  Grant  had  to  help -him  take  Richmond.  The  Great 
Huinbu'o1  was  at  last  in  full  buzz.  The  street  where 

O 

the  wonderful  Scotchman  lived  was  busy,  filled,  crowd 
ed,  jammed,  choked.  Dangerous  accidents  happened 
in  it  every  day,  from  the  excessive  pressure.  From, 
the  princes  of  the  blood  down  to  cobblers  and  lackeys, 


226  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

all  men  and  all  women  crowded  and  crowded  to  sub 
scribe  their  money,  and  to  pay  their  money,  and  to 
know  how  many  shares  they  had  gotten.  Law  moved 
to  a  roomier  street,  and  the  crazy  mob  crowded  harder 
than  ever  ;  so  that  the  Chancellor,  who  held  his  court 
of  law  hard  by,  could  not  hear  his  lawyers. 

A  tremendous  uproar  surely,  that  could  drown  the 
voices  of  those  gentlemen  !  And  so  he  moved  again, 
to  the  great  Hotel  de  Soissons,  a  vast  palace,  with  a 
garden  of  some  acres.  Fantastic  circumstances  varie 
gated  the  wild  rush  of  speculation.  The  haughtiest  of 
the  nobility  rented  mean  rooms  near  Law's  abode,  to  be 
able  to  get  at  him.  Rents  in  his  neighborhood  rose  to 
twelve  and  sixteen  times  their  usual  amount.  A  cob 
bler,  whose  lines  had  fallen  in  those  pleasant  places, 
made  $40  a  day  by  letting  his  stall  and  furnishing  writ 
ing  materials  to  speculators.  Thieves  and  disreputable 
characters  of  all  sorts  flocked  to  this  concourse.  There 
were  riots  and  quarrels  all  the  time.  They  often  had 
to  send  a  troop  of  cavalry  to  clear  the  street  at  night. 
Gamblers  posted  themselves  with  their  implements 
among  the  speculators,  who  gambled  harder  than  the 
gamblers,  and  took  an  occasional  turn  at  roulette  by 
way  of  slackening  the  excitement ;  as  people  go  to 
sleep,  or  go  into  the  country.  A  hunchback  fellow 
made  a  good  deal  of  money  by  letting  people  write  on 
his  back.  When  Law  had  moved  into  the  Hotel  de 
Soissons,  the  former  owner,  the  Prince  de  Carignan, 
reserved  the  gardens,  procured  an  edict  confining  all 
stock-dealings  to  that  place  ;  put  up  five  hundred  tents 
there,  leased  them  at  five  hundred  livres  a  month  each, 


MONEY    MANIAS.  227 

and  thus  made  money  at  the  rate  of  $50,000  a  month. 
There  were  just  two  of  the  aristocracy  who  were  sensi 
ble  and  resolute  enough  not  to  speculate  in  the  stock 
— The  Duke  de  St.  Simon  and  the  old  Marshal  Villars. 

Law  became  infinitely  the  most  important  person  in 
the  kingdom.  Great  and  small,  male  and  female,  high 
and  low,  haunted  his  offices  and  ante-chambers,  hunted 
him  down,  plagued  his  very  life  out,  to  get  a  moment's 
speech  with  him,  and  get  him  to  enter  their  names  as 
buyers  of  stock.  The  highest  nobles  would  wait  halt 
a  day  for  the  chance.  His  servants  received  great  sums 
to  announce  some  visitor's  name.  Ladies  of  the  highest 
rank  gave  him  anything  he  would  ask  of  them  for  leave 
to  buy  stock.  One  of  them  made  her  coachmen  upset 
her  out  of  her  carriage  as  Law  came  by,  to  get  a  word 
with  him.  He  helped  her  up  ;  she  got  the  word,  and 
bought  some  stock.  Another  lady  ran  into  the  house 
where  he  was  at  dinner,  and  raised  a  cry  of  fire. 
The  rest  ran  out,  but  she  ran  further  in  to  reach  Law, 
who  saw  what  she  was  at,  and  like  a  pecuniary  Joseph, 
ran  away  as  fast  as  he  could. 

As  the  frenzy  rose  toward  its  height,  and  the  Regent 
took  advantage  of  it  to  issue  stock  enough  to  pay  the 
whole  national  debt,  namely,  three  hundred  thousand 
new  shares,  at  $1,000  each,  or  a  thousand  per  cent,  in 
the  par  value.  They  were  instantly  taken.  Three 
times  as  many  would  have  been  instantly  taken.  So 
violent  were  the  changes  of  the  market,  that  shares  rose 
or  fell  twenty  per  cent,  within  a  few  hours.  A  servant 
was  sent  to  sell  two  hundred  and  fifty  shares  of  stock ; 
found  on  reaching  the  gardens  of  the  Hotel  de  Soissons, 


228  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

that  since  he  left  his  master's  house  the  price  had  risen 
from  $1,600  (par  value  8100  remember)  to  $  2,000. 
The  servant  sold,  gave  his  master  the  proceeds  at 
81,600  a  share,  put  the  remaining  $100,000  in  his  own 
pocket,  and  left  France  that  evening.  Law's  coach 
man  became  so  rich  that  he  left  service,  and  set  up  his 
own  coach ;  and  when  his  master  asked  him  to  find  a 
successor,  he  brought  two  candidates,  and  told  Law  to 
choose,  and  he  would  take  the  other  himself.  There 
were  many  absurd  cases  of  vulgarians  made  rich. 
There  were  also  many  robberies  and  murders.  That 
committed  by  the  Count  de  Horn,  one  of  the  higher 
nobility  and  two  accomplices,  is  a  famous  case.  The 
Count,  a  dissipated  rascal,  poniarded  a  broker  in  a  tav 
ern  for  the  money  the  broker  carried  with  him.  But 
he  was  taken,  and,  in  spite  of  the  utmost  and  most  de 
termined  exertions  of  the  nobility,  the  Regent  had  him 
broken  on  the  wheel  in  public,  like  any  other  mur 
derer. 

The  stock  of  the  Company  of  the  Indies,  though  it 
dashed  up  and  down  ten  and  twenty  per  cent,  from  day 
to  day,  was  from  the  first  immensely  inflated.  In  Au 
gust  1719,  it  sold  at  610  per  cent.  ;  in  a  few  weeks 
more  it  arose  to  1,200  per  cent,  all  winter  it  still  went 
up  until,  in  April  1720,  it  stood  at  2,050  per  cent. 
That  is,  one  one-hundred  dollar  share  would  sell  for  two 
thousand  and  fifty  dollars. 

At  this  extreme  point  of  inflation,  the  bubble  stood 
a  little,  shining  splendidly  as  bubbles  do  when  they  are 
nearest  bursting,  and  then  it  received  two  or  three  quiet 
pricks.  The  Prince  de  Conti,  enraged  because  Law 


MONEY    MANIAS.  229 

would  not  send  him  some  shares  on  his  own  terms,  sent 
three  wagon-loads  of  bills  to  Law's  bank,  demanding  spe 
cie.  Law  paid  it,  and  complained  to  the  Regent,  who 
made  him  put  two-thirds  of  it  back  again.  A  shrewd 
stock-gambler  drew  specie  by  small  sums  until  lie  had 
about  $200,000  in  coin,  and  lest  he  should  be  forced  to 
return  it,  lie  packed  it  in  a  cart,  covered  it  with  ma 
nure,  put  on  a  peasant's  disguise,  and  carted  his  fortune 
over  the  frontiers  into  Belgium.  Some  others  quietly 
realized  their  means  in  like  manner  by  driblets  and 
funded  them  abroad. 

By  such  means  coin  gradually  grew  very  scarce,  and 
signs  of  a  panic  appeared.  The  Regent  tried  to  adjust 
matters  by  a  decree  that  coin  should  be  five  per  cent. 
less  than  paper  ;  as  much  as  to  say,  It  is  hereby  enacted 
that  there  is  a  great  deal  more  coin  than  than  there  is  ! 
This  did  not  serve,  and  the  Regent  decreed  again,  that 
coin  should  be  worth  ten  per  cent,  less  than  paper. 
Then  he  decreed  that  the  bank  must  not  pay  more  than 
$22  at  once  in  specie  ;  and,  finally,  by  a  bold  stretch  of 
his  authority,  he  issued  an  edict  that  no  person  should 
have  over  $100  in  coin,  on  pain  of  fine  and  confiscation. 
These  odious  laws  made  a  great  deal  of  trouble,  spying, 
and  distress,  and  rapidly  aggravated  the  difficulty  they 
were  meant  to  cure.  The  price  of  shares  in  the  great 
company  began  to  fall  steadily  and  rapidly.  Law  and 
the  Regent  began  to  be  universally  hated,  cursed,  and 
threatened.  Various  foolish  and  vain  attempts  were 
made  to  stay  the  coming  ruin,  by  renewing  the  stories 
about  Louisiana  sending  out  a  lot  of  conscripted  labor 
ers,  ordering  that  all  payments  must  be  made  in  paper, 


230  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

and  printing  a  new  batch  of  notes,  to  the  amount  of 
another  $300,000,000.  Law's  two  corporations  were 
also  doctored  in  several  ways.  The  distress  and  fright 
grew  worse.  An  edict  was  issued  that  Law's  notes  and 
shares  should  depreciate  gradually  by  law  for  a  year, 
and  then  be  worth  but  half  their  face.  This  made 
such  a  tumult  and  outcry  that  the  Regent  had  to  re 
tract  it  in  seven  days.  On  this  seventh  day,  Law's 
bank  stopped  paying  specie.  Law  was  turned  out  ol 
his  public  employments,  but  still  well  treated  by  the 
Regent  in  private.  He  was,  however,  mobbed  and 
stoned  in  his  coach  in  the  street,  had  to  have  a  compa 
ny  of  Swiss  Guards  in  his  house,  and  at  last  had  to  flee 
to  the  Regent's  own  palace. 

I  have  not  space  to  describe  in  detail  the  ruin,  mis 
ery,  tumults,  loss  and  confusion  which  attended  the 
speedy  descent  of  Law's  paper  and  shares  to  .  entire 
worthlessness.  Thousands  of  families  were  made  pau 
pers,  and  trade  and  commerce  destroyed  by  the  painful 
process.  Law  himself  escaped  out  of  France  poor  ;  and, 
after  another  obscure  and  disreputable  career  of  gam 
bling,  died  in  poverty  at  Venice,  in  1729. 

Thus  this  enormous  business-humbug  first  raised  a 
whole  nation  into  a  fool's  paradise  of  imaginary  wealth, 
and  then  exploded,  leaving  its  projector  and  many  thou 
sands  of  victims  ruined,  the  country  disturbed  and  dis 
tressed,  long-enduring  consequences,  in  vicious  and  law 
less  and  unsteady  habits,  contracted  while  the  delusion 
lasted,  and  no  single  benefit  except  one  more  most 
dearly-bought  lesson  of  the  wicked  folly  of  mere  specu 
lation  without  a  real  business  basis  and  a  real  business 


MONEY    MANIAS.  231 

method.  Let  not  this  lesson  he  lost  on  the  rampant 
and  half-crazed  speculators  of  the  present  day.  Those 
who  buy  gold  or  flour,  leather,  butter,  dry  goods,  gro 
ceries,  hardware,  or  anything  else  on  speculation,  when 
prices  are  inflated  far  beyond  the  ordinary  standard,  are 
taking  upon  themselves  great  risks,  for  the  bubble  must 
eventually  be  pricked  ;  and  whoever  is  the  "  holder  " 
when  that  time  comes,  must  necessarily  be  the  loser. 


V.  MEDICINE  AND  QUACKS. 

CHAPTER    XXVII. 

DOCTORS    AND    IMAGINATION. FIRING    A    JOKE    OUT    OF 

A    CANNON. THE     PARIS     EYE     WATER. MAJENDIE 

ON    MEDICAL    KNOWLEDGE. —  OLD    SANDS    OF    LIFE. 

Medical  humbugs  constitute  a  very  critical  subject 
indeed,  because  I  shall  be  almost  certain  to  offend  some 
of  three  parties  concerned,  namely  ;  physicians,  quacks, 
and  patients.  But  it  will  never  do  to  neglect  so  impor 
tant  a  division  of  my  whole  theme  as  this. 

To  begin  with,  it  is  necessary  to  suggest,  in  the  most 
delicate  manner  in  the  world,  that  there  is  a  small  in 
fusion  of  humbug  among  the  very  best  of  the  regular 
practitioners.  These  gentlemen,  for  whose  learning, 
kind-heartedness,  self-devotion,  and  skill  I  entertain 
a  profound  respect,  make  use  of  what  I  may  call  the 
gaseous  element  of  their  practice,  not  for  the  lucre  of 
gain,  but  in  order  to  enlist  the  imaginations  of  their  pa 
tients  in  aid  of  nature  and  great  remedies. 

The  stories  are  infinite  in  number,  which  illustrate 
the  force  of  imagination,  ranging  through  all  the  grades 
of  mental  action,  from  the  lofty  visions  of  good  men 
who  dream  of  seeing  heaven  opened  to  them,  and  all 
its  ineffable  glories  and  delights,  down  to  the  low  com 
edy  conceit  of  the  fellow  who  put  a  smoked  herring  in 
to  the  tail  of  his  coat  and  imagined  himself  a  mermaid. 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  233 

Probably,  however,  imagination  displays  its  real 
power  more  wonderfully  in  the  operations  of  the  mind 
on  the  body  that  holds  it,  than  anywhere  else.  It  is 
true  that  there  are  some  people  even  so  utterly  without 
imagination  that  they  cannot  take  a  joke  ;  such  as  that 
grave  man  of  Scotland  who  was  at  last  plainly  told  by 
a  funny  friend  quite  out  of  patience,  "  Why,  you 
wouldn't  take  a  ioke  if  it  were  fired  at  you  out  of  a 

J  «/ 

cannon  !  " 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  Scot,  with  sound  reasoning  and 
grave  thought,  "  Sir,  you  are  absurd.  You  cannot 
fire  a  joke  out  of  a  cannon  !  " 

But  to  return  :  It  is  certainly  the  case  that  frequent 
ly  "  the  doctor  r'  .takes  great  care  not  to  let  the  patient 
know  what  is  the  matter,  and  even  not  to  let  him  know 
what  he  is  swallowing.  This  is  because  a  good  many 

«/ 

people,  if  at  a  critical  point  of  disease,  may  be  made  to 
turn  toward  health  if  made  to  believe  that  they  are 
doing  so,  but  would  be  frightened,  in  the  literal  sense 
of  the  words,  to  death,  if  told  what  a  dangerous  state 
they  are  in. 

One  sort  of  regular  practice  humbug  is  rendered  ne 
cessary  by  the  demands  of  the  patients.  This  is  giving 
good  big  doses  of  something  with  a  horrid  smell  and 
taste.  There  are  plenty  of  people  who  don't  believe 
the  doctor  does  anything  to  earn  his  money,  if  he  does 
not  pour  down  some  dirty  brown  or  black  stuff  very 
nasty  in  flavor.  Some,  still  more  exacting,  wish  for 
that  sort  of  testimony  which  depends  on  internal  con 
vulsions,  and  will  not  be  satisfied  unless  they  suffer  tor 
ments  and  expel  stuff  enough  to  quiet  the  inside  of 
Mount  Vesuvius  or  Popocatapetl. 


234  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  He's  a  good  doctor,"  was  the  verdict  of  one  of  this 
class  of  leather-boweled  fellows — "  he'll  work  your  in- 
ards  for  you  !  " 

It  is  a  milder  form  of  this  same  method  to  give  what 
the  learned  faculty  term  a  placebo.  This  is  a  thing  in 
the  outward  form  of  medicine,  but  quite  harmless  in 
itself.  Such  is  a  bread-pill,  for  instance  ;  or  a  draught 
of  colored  water,  with  a  little  disagreeable  taste  in  it. 
These  will  often  keep  the  patient's  imagination  headed 
in  the  right  direction,  while  good  old  Dame  Nature  is 
quietly  mending  up  the  damages  in  "  the  soul's  dark 
cottage." 

One  might  almost  fancy  that,  in  proportion  as  the 
physician  is  more  skillful,  by  so  much  he  gives  less  med 
icine,  and  relies  more  on  imagination,  nature,  and, 
above  all,  regimen  and  nursing.  Here  is  a  story  in 
point.  There  was  an  old  gentleman  in  Paris,  who  sold 
a  famous  eye-water,  and  made  much  gain  thereby.  He 
died,  however,  one  fine  day,  and  unfortunately  forgot 
to  leave  the  recipe  on  record.  "  His  disconsolate  widow 
continued  the  business  at  the  old  stand,"  however  —  to 
quote  another  characteristic  French  anecdote  —  and  be 
ing  a  woman  of  ready  and  decisive  mind,  she  very 
quietly  filled  the  vials  with  water  from  the  river  Seine, 
.and  lived  respectably  on  the  proceeds,  finding,  to  her 
great  relief,  that  the  eye-water  was  just  as  good  as  ever. 
At  last  however,  she  found  herself  about  to  die,  and 
under  the  stings  of  an  accusing  conscience  she  confessed 
her  trick  to  her  physician,  an  eminent  member  of  the 
profession.  "  Be  entirely  easy,  Madam,"  said  the  wise 
man  ;  "  don't  be  troubled  at  all.  You  are  the  most  in- 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  235 

nocent  physician  in  the  world  ;  you  have  done  nobody 
any  harm." 

It  is  an  old  and  illiberal  joke  to  compare  medicine  to 
war,  on  the  ground  that  the  votaries  of  both  seek  to  de 
stroy  life.  It  is,  however,  not  far  from  the  truth  to  say 
that  they  are  alike  in  this  ;  that  they  are  both  pre 
eminently  liable  to  mistakes,  and  that  in  both  he  is  most 
successful  who  makes  the  fewest. 

How  can  it  be  otherwise,  until  we  know  more  than 
we  do  at  present,  of  the  great  mysteries  of  life  and 
death  ?  It  seems  risky  enough  to  permit  the  wisest  and 
most  experienced  physician  to  touch  those  springs  of 
life  which  God  onlv  understands.  And  it  is  enough  to 

«.' 

make  the  most  stupid  stare,  to  see  how  people  will  let 
the  most  disgusting  quack  jangle  their  very  heart 
strings  with  his  poisonous  messes,  about  as  soon  as  if 
he  were  the  best  doctor  in  the  world.  A  true  phy 
sician,  indeed,  does  not  hasten  to  drug.  The  great 
French  surgeon,  Majendie,  is  even  said  to  have  com 
menced  his  official  course  of  lectures  on  one  occasion 
by  coolly  saying  to  his  students  :  "  Gentlemen,  the  cur 
ing  of  disease  is  a  subject  that  physicians  know  nothing 
about."  This  was  doubtless  an  extreme  way  of  putting 
the  case.  Yet  it  was  in  a  certain  sense  exactly  true. 
There  is  one  of  the  geysers  in  Icelend,  into  which  vis 
itors  throw  pebbles  or  turfs,  with  the  invariable  result 
of  causing  the  disgusted  geyser  in  a  few  minutes  to 
vomit  the  close  out  again,  along  with  a  great  quantity 
of  hot  water,  steam,  and  stuff.  Now  the  doctor  does 
know  that  some  of  his  doses  are  pretty  sure  to  work,  as 
the  traveler  knows  that  his  dose  will  work  on  the  gey- 


236  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

ser.     It  is  only  the  exact  how  and  why  that  is  not  un 
derstood. 

But  however  mysterious  is  nature,  however  ignorant 
the  doctor,  however  imperfect  the  present  state  of  phys 
ical  science,  the  patronage  and  the  success  of  quacks 
and  quackeries  are  infinitely  more  wonderful  than  those 
of  honest  and  laborious  men  of  science  and  their  care 
ful  experiments. 

I  have  come  about  to  the  end  of  my  tether  for  this 
time  ;  and  quackery  is  something  too  monstrous  in  di 
mensions  as  well  as  character  to  be  dealt  with  in  a  par 
agraph.  But  I  may  with  propriety  put  one  quack  at 
the  tail  of  this  letter  ;  it  is  but  just  that  he  should  Jet 
decent  people  go  before  him.  I  mean  "  Old  Sands  of 
Life."  Everybody  has  seen  his  advertisement,  begin 
ning  "  A  retired  Physician  whose  sands  of  life  have 
nearly  run  out,"  etc.  And  everybody  —  almost  — 
knows  how  kind  the  fellow  is  in  sending  gratis  his  re 
cipe.  All  that  is  necessary  is  (as  you  find  out  when 
you  get  the  recipe)  to  buy  at  a  high  price  from  him  one 
ingredient  which  (he  says)  you  can  get  nowhere  else. 
This  swindling  scamp  is  in  fact  a  smart  brisk  fellow  of 
abotft  thirty-five  years  of  age,  notwithstanding  the 
length  of  time  during  which  —  to  use  a  funny  phrase 
which  somebody  got  up  for  him  —  he  has  been  "  afflicted 
with  a  loose  tail-board  to  his  mortal  sand-cart."  Some 
benevolent  friend  was  so  much  distressed  about  the  fee 
bleness  of  "  Old  Sands  of  Life  "  as  to  send  him  one 
day  a  large  parcel  by  express,  marked  "  C.  O.  D.," 
and  costing  quite  a  figure.  "  Old  Sands  "  paid,  and 
opening  the  parcel,  found  half  a  bushel  of  excellent 
sand. 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  237 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

THE    CONSUMPTIVE     REMEDY.  E.  ANDREWS,     M.   D. 

BORN    WITHOUT  BIRTHRIGHTS. HASHEESH    CANDY. — 

ROBACKTHE  GREAT. A  CONJURER  OPPOSED  TO  LYING. 

There  is  a  fellow  in  Williamsburg  who  calls  himself 
a  clergyman,  and  sells  a  "consumptive  remedy,"  by 
which  I  suppose  he  means  a  remedy  for  consumption. 
It  is  a  mere  slop  corked  in  a  vial ;  but  there  are  a  good 
many  people  who  are  silly  enough  to  buy  it  of  him. 
A  certain  gentleman,  during  last  November,  earnestly 
sought  an  interview  with  this  reverend  brother  in  the 
interests  of  humanity,  but  he  was  as  inaccessible  as  a 
chipmunk  in  a  stone  fence.  The  gentleman  wrote  a 
polite  note  to  the  knave  asking  about  prices,  and  receiv 
ed  a  printed  circular  in  return,  stating  in  an  affecting 
manner  the  good  man's  grief  at  having  to  raise  his 
price  in  consequence  of  the  cost  of  gold  "with  which 
I  am  obliged  to  buy  my  medicines  "  saith  he,  "  in  Paris." 
This  was  both  sad  and  unsatisfactory  ;  and  the  gentle 
man  went  over  to  Williamsburgh  to  seek  an  interview 
and  find  out  all  about  the  prices.  He  reached  the 
abode  of  the  man  of  piety,  but,  strange  to  relate,  he 
wasn't  at  home. 

Gentleman  waited. 

Reverend  brother  kept  on  not  being  at  home.  When 
gentleman  had  waited  to  his  entire  satisfaction  he  came 
back. 


238  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD 

It  is  understood  it  is  practically  out  of  the  question 
to  see  the  reverend  brother.  Perhaps  lie  is  so  modest 
and  shy  that  he  will  not  encounter  the  clamorous  grati 
tude  which  would  obstruct  his  progress  through  the 
streets,  from  the  millions  saved  by  his  consumptive 
remedy.  It  is  a  pity  that  the  reverend  man  cannot 
enjoy  the  still  more  complete  seclusion  by  which  the 
state  of  New  York  testifies  its  appreciation  of  unobtru 
sive  and  retiring  virtues  like  his,  in  the  salubrious  and 
quiet  town  of  Sing  Sing. 

A  quack  in  an  inland  city,  who  calls  himself  E.  An 
drews,  M.  D.,  prints  a  "  semi-occasional  "  document  in 
the  form  of  a  periodical,  of  which  a  copy  is  lying  before 
me.  It  is  an  awful  hodgepodge  of  perfect  nonsense 
and  vulgar  rascality.  He  calls  it  "  The  Good  Samari 
tan  and  Domestic  Physician,"  and  this  number  is  called 
"  volume  twenty."  Only  think  what  a  great  man  we 
have  among  us  —  unless  the  Doctor  himself  is  mistaken. 
He  says  :  "  I  will  here  state  that  I  have  been  favored 
by  nature  and  Providence  in  gaining  access  to  stores  of 
information  that  has  fell  to  the  lot  of  but  very  few  per 
sons  heretofore,  during  the  past  history  of  mankind." 
Evidently  these  "  stores"  were  so  vast  that  the  great 
doctor's  brain  was  stuffed  too  full  to  have  room  left  for 
English  Grammar.  Shortly,  the  Doctor  thus  bursts 
forth  again  with  some  views  having  their  own  merits, 
but  not  such  as  concern  the  healing  art  very  directly  : 
"  The  automaton  powers  of  machinery  "  — there's  a  new 
style  of  machinery,  you  observe  —  "  must  be  made  to 
WORK  FOR,  instead  of  as  now,  against  mankind ;  the 
Land  of  all  nations  must  be  made  FREE  to  Actual  Set- 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  239 

tiers  in  LIMITED  quantities.  No  one  must  be  born  with 
out  his  birthright  being  born  with  him."  The  italics, 
etc.,  are  the  Doctor's.  What  an  awful  thought  is  this 
of  being  born  without  any  birthright,  or,  as  the  Doctor 
leaves  us  to  suppose  possible,  having  one's  birthright  born 
first,  and  dodging  about  the  world  like  a  stray  canary- 
bird,  while  the  unhappy  and  belated  owner  tries  in  vain 
to  put  salt  on  its  tail  and  catch  it ! 

Well,  this  wiseacre,  after  his  portentous  introduction, 
fills  the  rest  of  his  sixteen  loosely  printed  double- 
columned  octavo  pages  with  a  farrago  of  the  most  in 
describable  character,  made  up  of  brags,  lies,  promises, 
forged  recommendations  and  letters,  boasts  of  systemat 
ic  charity,  funny  scraps  of  stuff  in  the  form  of  little 
disquisitions,  advertisements  of  remedies,  hair-oils,  cos 
metics,  liquors,  groceries,  thistle-killers,  anti-bug  mix 
tures,  recipes  for  soap,  ink,  honey,  and  the  Old  Harry 
only  knows  what.  The  fellow  gives  a  list  of  seventy- 
one  specific  diseases  for  which  his  Hasheesh  Candy  is  a 
sure  cure,  and  he  adds  that  it  is  also  a  sure  cure  for  all 
diseases  of  the  liver,  brain,  throat,  stomach,  ear,  and 
other  internal  disorders  ;  also  for  "  all  long  standing 
diseases  "  —  whatever  that  means  !  —  and  for  insanity  ! 
In  this  monstrous  list  are  jumbled  together  the  most  in 
congruous  troubles.  "  Bleeding  at  the  nose,  and  abor 
tions  ;  "  "  worms,  fits,  poisons  and  cramps."  And  the 
impudent  liar  quotes  General  Grant,  General  Mitchell, 
the  Rebel  General  Lee,  General  McClellan,  and  Doc 
tor  Mott  of  this  city,  all  shouting  in  chorus  the  praises 
of  the  Hasheesh  Candy  !  Next  conies  the  "  Secret  of 
Beauty,"  a  "  preparation  of  Turkish  Roses  ;  "  then  a 


240  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

lot  of  forged  references,  and  an  assertion  that  the  Doc 
tor  gives  to  the  poor  five  thousand  pounds  of  bread 
every  winter;  then  some  fearful  denunciations  of  the 
regular  doctors. 

£T> 

But  —  as  the  auctioneers  say — "I  can't  dwell." 
I  will  only  add  that  the  real  villainy  of  this  fellow  only 
appears  here  and  there,  where  he  advertises  the  means 
of  ruining  innocence,  or  of  indulging  with  impunity  in 
the  foulest  vices.  He  will  sell  for  $3.30,  the  "  Mystic 
Weird  Ring."  In  a  chapter  of  infamous  blatherumskite 
about  this  ring  he  says  :  "  The  wearer  can  drive  from, 
or  draw  to  him,  any  one,  and  for  any  purpose  what 
ever."'  I  need  not  explain  what  this  scoundrel  means. 
He  also  will  sell  the  professed  means  of  robbery  and 
swindling  ;  saying  that  he  is  prepared  to  show  how  to 
remove  papers,  wills,  titles,  notes,  etc.,  from  one  place 
to  another  "  by  invisible  means."  It  is  a  wonder  that 
the  Bank  of  Commerce  can  keep  any  securities  in  its 
vaults  —  of  course  ! 

But  enough  of  this  degraded  panderer  to  crime  and 
folly.  He  is  beneath  notice,  so  far  as  he  himself  con 
cerned  ;  I  devote  the  space  to  him,  because  it  is  well 
worth  while  to  understand  how  base  an  imposture  can 
draw  a  steady  revenue  from  a  nation  boasting  so  much 
culture  and  intelligence  as  ours.  It  is  also  worth  con 
sidering  whether  the  authorities  must  not  be  remiss, 
who  permit  such  odious  deceptions  to  be  constantly  per 
petrated  upon  the  public. 

I  ought  here  to  give  a  paragraph  to  the  great  C.  W. 
Roback,  one  of  whose  Astrological  Almanacs  is  before 
me.  This  erudite  production  is  embellished  in  front 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  241 

•with  a  picture  of  the  doctor  and  his  six  brothers  —  for 
he  is  the  seventh  son  of  a  seventh  son.  The  six  elder 
brethren  —  nice  enough  boys  —  stand  submissively 
around  their  gigantic  and  bearded  junior,  reaching  only 
to  his  waist,  and  gazing  up  at  him  with  reverence,  as 
the  sheaves  of  Joseph's  brethren  worshipped  his  sheaf 
in  his  dream.  At  the  end  is  a  picture  of  Magnus  Ro- 
back,  the  grandfather  of  C.  W.,  a  bull-headed,  ugly 
old  Dutchman,  with  a  globe  and  compasses.  This  pic 
ture,  by  the  way,  is  in  fact  a  cheap  likeness  of  the  old 
discoverers  or  geographers.  Within  the  book  we  find 
Gustavus  Roback,  the  father  of  C.  W.,  for  whom  is 
used  a  cut  of  Jupiter  —  or  some  other  heathen  god  — 
half-naked,  a-straddle  of  an  eagle,  with  a  hook  in  one 
hand  and  a  quadrant  in  the  other ;  which  is  very  much 
like  the  picture  by  one  of  the  "  Old  Masters  v  of  Abra 
ham  about  to  offer  up  Isaac,  and  taking  a  long  aim  at 
the  poor  boy  with  a  flint-lock  horse-pistol.  Doctor  Ro 
back  is  good  enough  to  tell  us  where  his  brothers  are  : 
"  One,  a  high  officer  in  the  Empire  of  China,  another  a 
Catholic  Bishop  in  the  city  of  Rome,"  and  so  on. 
There  is  also  a  cut  of  his  sister,  whom  he  cured  of  con 
sumption.  She  is  represented  "  talking  to  her  bird, 
after  the  fashion  of  her  country,  when  a  maiden  is  un 
expectedly  rescued  from  the  jaws  of  death  !  " 

Roback  cures  all  sorts  of  diseases,  discovers  stolen 
property,  insures  children  a  marriage,  and  so  on,  all  by 
means  of  "  conjurations."  He  also  casts  nativities  and 
foretells  future  events ;  and  he  shows  in  full  how  Ber- 
nadotte,  Louis  Philippe,  and  Napoleon  Bonaparte  either 
did  well  or  would  have  done  well  by  following  his  ad- 


242  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

vice.  The  chief  peculiarity  of  this  impostor  is,  that  he 
really  avoids  direct  pandering  to  vice  and  crime,  and 
even  makes  it  a  specialty  to  cure  drunkenness  and  —  of 
all  things  in  the  world  —  lying  I  On  this  point  Roback 
gives  in  full  the  certificate  of  Mrs.  Abigail  Morgan, 
whose  daughter  Amanda  "  was  sorely  given  to  fibbing, 
in  so  much  that  she  would  rather  lie  than  speak  the 
truth."  And  the  delighted  mother  certifies  that  our 
friend  and  wizard  "  so  changed  the  nature  of  the  girl 
that,  to  the  best  of  our  knowledge  and  belief,  she  has 
never  spoken  anything  but  the  truth  since." 

There  is  a  conjurer  "  as  is  a  conjurer." 

What  an  uproar  the  incantation  of  the  great  Roback 
would  make,  if  set  fairly  to  work  among  the  politicians, 
for  instance  !  But  after  all,  on  second  thoughts,  what 
a  horrible  mass  of  abominations  would  they  lay  bare  in 
telling  the  truth  about  each  other  all  round  !  No,  no 
—  it  won't  do  to  have  the  truth  coming  out,  in  politics 
at  any  rate  !  Away  with  Roback  I  I  will  not  give 
him  another  word  —  not  a  single  chance  —  not  even  to 
explain  his  great  power  over  what  he  calls  "  Fits ! 
Fits  I  Fits !  Fits !  Fits !  " 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

MONSIGNORE  CRISTOFORO  RTSCHIO  ;  OR,  IL  CRESO,  THE 
NOSTRUM-VENDER  OF  FLORENCE —  A  MODEL  FOR  OUR 
QUACK  DOCTORS. 

Every  visitor    to    Florence    during   the  last  twenty 
years  must  have  noticed  on  the  grand  piazza  before  the 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  243 

Ducal  Palace,  the  strange  genius  known  as  Monsignore 
Creso,  or,  in  plain  English,  Mr.  Croesus.  He  is  so  call 
ed  because  of  his  reputed  great  wealth  ;  but  his  real 
name  is  Christoforo  Rischio,  which  I  may  again  trans 
late,  as  Christopher  Risk.  Mrs.  Browning  refers  to 
him  in  one  of  her  poerns  —  the  "  Casa  Guidi  Windows," 
I  think  —  and  he  has  also  been  the  staple  of  a  tale  by 
one  of  the  Trollope  brothers. 

Twice  every  week,  he  comes  into  the  city  in  a 
strange  vehicle,  drawn  by  two  fine  Lombardy  ponies, 
and  unharnesses  them  in  the  very  centre  of  the  square. 
His  assistant,  a  capital  vocalist,  begins  to  sing  imme 
diately,  and  a  crowd  soon  collects  around  the  wagon. 
Then  Monsignore  takes  from  the  box  beneath  his  seat  a 
splendidly  jointed  human  skeleton,  which  he  suspends 
from  a  tall  rod  and  hook,  and  also  a  number  of  human 
skulls.  The  latter  are  carefully  arranged  on  an  adjusta 
ble  shelf,  and  Cre'so  takes  his  place  behind  them,  while 
in  his  rear  a  perfect  chemist's  shop  of  flasks,  bottles, 
and  pillboxes  is  disclosed.  Very  soon  his  singer  ceases, 
and  in  the  purest  Tuscan  dialect  —  the  very  utterance 
of  which  is  music  —  the  Florentine  quack-doctor  pro 
ceeds  to  address  the  assemblage.  Not  being  conver 
sant  with  the  Italian,  I  am  only  able  to  give  the  sub 
stance  of  his  harangue,  and  pronounce  indifferently 
upon  the  merit  of  his  elocution.  I  am  assured,  how 
ever,  that  not  only  the  common  people,  who  are  his 
chief  patrons,  but  numbers  of  the  most  intelligent  citi 
zens,  are  always  entertained  by  what  he  has  to  say ; 
and  certainly  his  gestures  and  style  of  expressions  seem 
to  betray  great  excellence  of  oratory.  Having  turned 


244  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

the  skeleton  round  and  round  on  its  pivot,  and  mi 
nutely  explained  the  various  anatomical  parts,  in  or 
der  to  show  his  proficiency  in  the  basis  of  medical 
science,  he  next  lifts  the  skulls,  one  by  one,  and  des 
cants  upon  their  relative  perfection,  throwing  in  a 
shrewd  anecdote  now  and  then,  as  to  the  life  of  the  ori 
ginal  owner  of  each  cranium. 

One  skull,  for  example,  he  asserts  to  have  belonged 
to  a  lunatic,  who  wandered  for  half  a  lifetime  in  the 
Val  d'Ema,  subsisting  precariously  upon  entirely  vege 
table  food  —  roots,  herbs,  and  the  like  ;  another  is  the 
superior  part  of  a  convict,  hung  in  Arezzo  for  numerous 
offences  ;  a  third  is  that  of  a  very  old  man  who  lived  a 
celibate  from  his  youth  up,  and  by  his  abstinence  and 
goodness  exercised  an  almost  priestly  influence  upon  the 
borghesa.  When,  by  this  miscellaneous  lecture,  he  has 
both  amused  and  edified  his  hearers,  he  ingeniously  turns 
the  discourse  upon  his  own  life,  and  finally  introduces 
the  subject  of  the  marvellous  cures  he  has  effected.  The 
story  of  his  medical  preparations  alone,  their  components 
and  method  of  distillation,  is  a  fine  piece  of  popularized 
art,  and  he  gives  a  practical  exemplification  of  his  skill 
and  their  virtues  by  calling  from  the  crowd  successively, 
a  number  of  invalid  people,  whom  he  examines  and  pre 
scribes  for  on  the  spot.  Whether  these  subjects  are 
provided  by  himself  or  not,  I  am  unable  to  decide  ;  but 
it  is  very  possible  that  by  long  experience,  Christoforo 
— who  has  no  regular  diploma  —  has  mastered  the  sim 
pler  elements  of  Materia  Medica,  and  does  in  reality 
effect  cures.  I  class  him  among  what  are  popularly 
known  as  humbugs,  however,  for  he  is  a  pretender  to 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  245 

more  wisdom  than  he  possesses.  It  was  to  me  a  strange 
and  suggestive  scene  —  the  bald,  beak-nosed,  coal-eyed 
charlatan,  standing  in  the  market-place,  so  celebrated  in 
history,  peering  through  his  gold  spectacles  at  the  up 
turned  faces  below  him,  while  the  bony  skeleton  at  his 
side  swayed  in  the  wind,  and  the  grinning  skulls  below, 
made  grotesque  faces,  as  if  laughing  at  the  gul'labilfty 
of  the  people.  Behind  him  loomed  up  the  massive  Pal 
azzo  Vecchio,  with  its  high  tower,  sharply  cut,  and 
set  with  deep  machicolations  ;  to  the  left,  the  splendid 
Loggia  of  Orgagna,  filled  with  rare  marbles,  and  the  long 
picture-gallery  of  the  Uffizi,  heaped  with  the  rarest  art- 
treasures  of  the  world  ;  to  his  right,  the  Giant  Foun 
tain  of  Ammanato,  throwing  jets  of  pure  water  —  one 
drop  of  which  outvalues  all  the  nostrums  in  the  world  ; 
and  in  front,  the  Post  Office,  built  centuries  before,  by 
Pisan  captives.  If  any  of  these  things  moved  the  imper 
turbable  Creso,  he  showed  no  feeling  of  the  sort  ;  but  for 
three  long  hours,  two  days  in  the  week,  held  his'hideous 
clinic  in  the  open  daylight. 

Seeing  the  man  so  often,  and  interested  always  in  his 
manner  —  as  much  so,  indeed,  as  the  peasants  or  conta- 
dini,  who  bought  his  vials  and  pillboxes  without  stint  — 
I  became  interested  to  know  the  main  features  of  his 
life  ;  and,  by  the  aid  of  a  friend,  got  some  clues  which 
I  think  reliable  enough  to  publish.  I  do  so  the  more 
willingly,  because  his  career  is  illustrative,  after  an  odd 
fashion,  of  contemporary  Italian  life. 

He  was  the  son  of  a  small  farmer,  not  far  from  Sienna, 
and  grew  up  in  daily  contact  with  vine-dressers  and 
olive-gatherers,  living  upon  the  hard  Tuscan  fare  of 


246  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

maccaroni  and  maroon-nuts,  with  a  cutlet  of  lean  mut 
ton  once  a  day,  and  a  pint  of  sour  Tuscan  wine.  Be 
ing  tolerably  well  educated  for  a  peasant-boy,  he  im 
bibed  a  desire  for  the  profession  of  an  actor,  and  studied 
Alfieri  closely. 

Some  little  notoriety  that  he  gained  by  recitations 
led  him,  in  an  evil  hour,  to  venture  an  appearance  en 
grand  role,  in  Florence,  at  a  third-rate  theatre.  His 
father  had  meanwhile  deceased  and  left  him  the  prop 
erty  ;  but  to  make  the  de*but  referred  to,  he  sold  almost- 
his  entire  inheritance.  As  may  be  supposed,  his  fail 
ure  was  signal.  However  easy  he  had  found  it  to 
amuse  the  rough,  untutored  peasantry  of  his  neighbor 
hood,  the  test  of  a  large  and  polished  city  was  beyond 
his  merit. 

So,  poor  and  abashed,  he  sank  to  the  lower  walks  of 
dramatic  art,  singing  in  choruses  at  the  opera,  playing 
minor  parts  in  show-pieces,  and  all  the  while  feeling 
the  stiiig  of  disappointed  ambition  and  half-deserved 
penury. 

One  day  found  him,  at  the  beginning  of  winter,  with 
out  work,  and  without  a  soldo  in  his  pocket.  Passing 
a  druggist's  shop,  he  saw  a  placard  asking  for  men  to 
sell  a  certain  new  preparation.  The  druggist  advanc 
ed  him  a  small  sum  for  travelling  expenses,  and  he  took 
to  peripatetic  lectures  at  once,  going  into  the  country 
and  haranguing  at  all  the  villages. 

Here  he  found  his  dramatic  education  available. 
Though  not  good  enough  for  an  actor,  he  was  sufficient 
ly  clever  for  a  nomadic  eulogizer  of  a  patent-medicine. 
His  vocal  abilities  were  also  of  service  to  him  in  gath- 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  247 

ering  the  people  together.  The  great  secret  of  success 
in  anything  is  to  get  a  hearing.  Half  the  object  is 
gained  when  the  audience  is  assembled. 

Well  !  poor,  vagabond,  peddling  Christopher  Risk, 
selling  so  much  for  another  party,  conceived  the  idea 
of  becoming  his  own  capitalist.  He  resolved  to  prepare 
a  medicine  of  his  own  ;  and,  profiting  by  the  assistance 
of  a  young  medical  student,  obtained  bona  fide  prescrip 
tions  for  the  commonest  maladies.  These  he  had  made 
up  in  gross,  originated  labels  for  them,  and  concealing 
the  real  essences  thereof  by  certain  harmless  adultera 
tions,  began  to  advertise  himself  as  the  discoverer  of  a 
panacea. 

To  gain  no  ill-will  among  the  priests,  whose  influ 
ence  is  paramount  with  the  peasantry,  he  dexterously 
threw  in  a  revere-nt  word  for  them  in  his  nomadic  ha 
rangues,  and  now  and  then  made  a  sounding  present  to 
the  Church. 

He  profited  also  by  the  superstitions  abroad,  and  to 
the  skill  of  Hippocrates  added  the  roguery  of  Simon 
Magus.  By  report,  he  was  both  a  magician  and  phy 
sician,  and  a  knack  that  he  had  of  slight-of-hand  was 
not  the  least  influential  of  his  virtues. 

His  bodily  prowess  was  as  great  as  his  suppleness. 
One  day,  at  Fiesole,  a  foreign  doctor  presumed  to  chal 
lenge  Monsignore  to  a  debate,  and  the  offer  was  ac 
cepted.  While  the  two  stood  together  in  Cristoforo's 
wagon,  and  the  intruder  was  haranguing  the  people, 
the  quack,  without  a  movement  of  his  face  or  a  twitch 
of  his  body,  jerked  his  foot  against  his  rival's  leg  and 
threw  him  to  the  ground.  He  had  the  effrontery  to 


248  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

proclaim  the  feat  as  magnetic  entirely,  accomplished 
without  bodily  means,  and  by  virtue  of  his  black-art 
acquirements. 

An  awe  fell  upon  the  listeners,  and  they  refused  to 
hear  the  checkmated  disputant  further. 

As  soon  as  Cristoforo  began  to  thrive,  he  indulged 
his  dramatic  taste  by  purchasing  a  superb  wagon,  team, 
and  equipments,  and  hired  a  servant.  Such  a  turnout 
had  never  been  seen  in  Tuscany  since  the  Medician 
days.  It  gained  for  him  the  name  of  Creso  straight 
way,  and,  enabling  him  to  travel  more  rapidly,  enlarged 
his  business  sphere,  and  so  vastly  increased  his  profits. 

He  arranged  regular  days  and  hours  for  each  place 
in  Tuscany,  and  soon  became  as  widely  known  as  the 
Grand  Duke  himself.  When  it  was  known  that  he 
had  bought  an  old  castle  at  Pontassieve  on  the  banks 
of  the  Arno,  his  reputation  still  further  increased.  He 
was  now  so  prosperous  that  he  set  the  faculty  at  defi 
ance.  He  proclaimed  that  they  were  jealous  of  his  pro- 
founder  learning,  and  threatened  to  expose  the  bane- 
fulness  of  their  systems. 

At  the  same  time,  his  talk  to  the  common  people  be 
gan  to  savor  of  patronage,  and  this  also  enhanced  his 
reputation.  It.  is  much  better,  as  a  rule,  to  call  atten 
tion  up  to  you  rather  than  charity  down  to  you.  The 
shrewd  impostor  became  also  more  absolute  now.  It 
was  known  that  the  Grand  Duke  had  once  asked  him 
to  dine,  and  that  Monsignore  had  the  hardihood  to  re 
fuse.  Indeed,  he  sympathized  too  greatly  with  the 
aroused  Italian  spirit  of  unity  and  progress  to  compro 
mise  himself  with  the  house  of  Austria.  When  at  last 


MEDICINE    AND    QUACKS.  249 

the  revolution  came,  Cristoforo  was  one  of  its  best 
champions  in  Tuscany.  His  cantante  sang  only  the 
march  of  Garibaldi  and  the  victories  of  Savoy.  His 
own  speeches  teemed  with  the  gospel  of  Italy  regener 
ated  ;  and  for  a  whole  month  he  wasted  no  time  in 
the  sale  of  his  bottighias  and  pillolas,  but  threw  all  his 
vehement,  persuasive,  and  dramatic  eloquence  into  the 
popular  cause. 

The  end  we  know.  Tuscany  is  a  dukedom  no  long 
er,  but  a  component  part  of  a  great  peninsular  kingdom 
with  "  Florence  the  Beautiful  "  for  its  capital. 

And  still  before  the  ducal  palace,  where  the  deputies 
of  Italy  are  to  assemble,  poor,  vain  Cristoforo  Rischio 
makes  his  harangue  every  Tuesday  and  Saturday. 
He  is  now  —  or  was  four  years  ago  —  upward  of  sixty 
years  of  age,  but  spirited  and  athletic  as  ever,  and  so 
rich  that  it  would  be  superfluous  for  him  to  continue 
his  peripatetic  career. 

His  life  is  to  me  noteworthy,  as  showing  what  may 
be  gained  by  concentrating  even  humble  energies  upon 
a  paltry  thing.  Had  Creso  persevered  as  well  upon 
the  stage,  I  do  not  doubt  that  he  would  have  made  a 
splendid  actor.  If  he  did  so  well  with  a  mere  nostrum, 
why  should  he  not  have  gained  riches  and  a  less  gro 
tesque  fame  by  the  sale  of  a  better  article  ?  He  under 
stood  human  nature,  its  credulities  and  incredulities,  its 
superstitions,  tastes,  changefulness,  and  love  of  display 
and  excitement.  He  has  done  no  harm,  and  given  as 
much  amusement  as  he  has  been  paid  for.  Indeed,  I 
consider  him  more  an  ornamental  and  useful  character 
than  otherwise.  He  has  brightened  many  a  traveler's 
11* 


250  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

recollections,  relieved  the  tedium  of  many  a  weary 
hour  in  a  foreign  city,  and,  with  all  his  deception,  has 
never  severed  himself  from  the  popular  faith,  nor  sold 
out  the  popular  cause.  I  dare  say  his  death,  when  it 
occurs,  will  cause  more  sensation  and  evoke  more  tears, 
than  that  of  any  better  physician  in  Tuscany. 


^ 


VI.     HOAXES. 

CHAPTER    XXXI. 

THE  TWENTY-SEVENTH  STREET  GHOST. SPIRITS  ON  THE 

RAMPAGE. 

In  classing  the  ghost  excitement  that  agitated  our 
good  people  to  such  an  extent  some  two  years  ago 
among  the  "  humbugs  "  of  the  age,  1  must,  at  the  out 
set,  remind  my  readers  that  there  was  no  little  accumu 
lation  of  what  is  termed  "  respectable  "  testimony,  as  to 
the  reality  of  his  ghostship  in  Twenty-seventh  street. 

One  fine  Sunday  morning,  in  the  early  part  of  1863, 
my  friends  of  the  "  Sunday  Mercury  "  astonished  their 
many  thousands  of  patrons  with  an  account  that  had 
been  brought  to  them  of  a  fearful  spectre  that  had 
made  its  appearance  in  one  of  the  best  houses  in  Twenty- 
seventh  Street.  The  narrative  was  detailed  with  cir 
cumstantial  accuracy,  and  yet  with  an  apparent  discreet 
reserve,  that  gave  the  finishing  touch  of  delightful  mys 
tery  to  the  story. 

The  circumstances,  as  set  forth  in  the  opening  letter 
(for  many  others  followed)  were  briefly  these  :  — A  high 
ly  respectable  family  residing  on  Twenty-seventh  Street, 
one  of  our  handsome  up-town  thoroughfares,  became 
aware,  toward  the  close  of  the  year  1862,  that  something 
extraordinary  was  taking  place  in  their  house,  then  one 
of  the  best  in  the  neighborhood.  Sundry  mutterings  and 


252  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

whisperings  began  to  be  heard  among  the  servants  em 
ployed  about  the  domicil,  and,  after  a  little  while  it  be 
came  almost  impossible  to  induce  them  to  remain  there 
for  love  or  money.  The  visitors  of  the  family  soon 
began  to  notice  that  their  calls,  which  formerly  were  so 
welcome,  particularly  among  the  young  people  of  the 
establishment,  seemed  to  give  embarrassment,  and  that 
the  smiles  that  greeted  them,  as  early  as  seven  in  the 
evening  gradually  gave  place  to  uneasy  gestures,  and, 
finally  to  positive  hints  at  the  lateness  of  the  hoar,  or 
the  fatigue  of  their  host  by  nine  o'clock. 

The  head  of  the  family  was  a  plain,  matter-of-fact 
old  gentleman,  by  no  means  likely  to  give  way  to  any 
superstitious  terrors  —  one  of  your  hard-headed  busi 
ness  men  who  pooh-poohed  demons,  hobgoblins,  and 
all  other  kinds  of  spirits,  except  the  purest  Santa  Cruz 
and  genuine  old  Otard ;  and  he  fell  into  a  great  rage, 
when  upon  his  repeated  gruff  demands  for  an  explana 
tion,  he  was  delicately  informed  that  his  parlor  was 
"  haunted."  He  vowed  that  somebody  wanted  to  drive 
him  from  the  house ;  that  there  was  a  conspiracy  afoot 
among  the  women  to  get  him  still  higher  up  town,  and 
into  a  bio'ser  brown-stone  front,  and  refused  to  believe 

C5O  7 

one  word  of  the  ghost-story.  At  length,  one  day, 
while  sitting  in  his  "  growlery,"  as  the  ladies  called  it, 
in  the  lower  story,  his  attention  was  aroused  by  a  clat 
ter  on  the  stairs,  and  looking  out  into  the  entry  he  saw  a 
party  of  carpenters  and  painters  who  had  been  employ 
ed  upon  the  parlor-floor,  beating  a  precipitate  retreat 
toward  the  front  door. 

"  Stop  !  —  stop  !  you  infernal  fools  !  What's  all  this 
hullabaloo  about  ?  "  shouted  the  old  gentleman. 


HOAXES.  253 

No  reply  —  no  halt  upon  the  part  of  the  mechanics, 
but  away  they  went  down  the  steps  and  along  the  street, 
as  though  Satan  himself,  or  Moseby  the  guerrilla,  was 
at  their  heels.  They  were  pursued  and  ordered  back, 
but  absolutely  refused  to  come,  swearing  that  they  had 
seen  the  Evil  One,  in  propria  persona;  and  threats, 
persuasions,  and  bribes  alike  proved  vain  to  induce  them 
to  return.  This  made  the  matter  look  serious,  and  a 
family-council  was  held  forthwith.  It  wouldn't  do  to 
let  matters  go  on  in  this  way,  and  something  must  be 
thought  of  as  a  remedy.  It  was  in  this  half-solemn 
and  half-tragic  conclave  that  the  pater-familias  was  at 
last  put  in  possession  of  the  mysterious  occurrences 
that  had  been  disturbing  the  peace  of  his  domestic 
hearth. 

A  ghost  had  been  repeatedly  seen  in  his  best  drawing- 
room  !  —  a  genuine,  undeniable,  unmitigated  ghost ! 

The  spectre  was  described  by  the  female  members  of 
the  family  as  making  his  appearance  at  all  hours,  chiefly, 
however  in  the  evening,  of  course.  Now  the  good  old 
orthodox  idea  of  a  ghost  is,  of  a  very  long,  cadaverous, 
ghastly  personage,  of  either  sex,  appearing  in  white 
draperies,  with  uplifted  finger,  and  attended  or  preced 
ed  by  sepulchral  sounds' —  whist  !  hush  !  and  sometimes 
the  rattling  of  casements  and  the  jingling  of  chains. 
A  bluish  glare  and  a  strong  smell  of  brimstone  seldom 
failed  to  enhance  the  horror  of  the  scene.  This  ghost, 
however,  came  it  seems,  in  more  ordinary  guise,  but 
none  the  less  terrible  for  his  natural  style  of  approach  and 
costume.  He  was  usually  seen  in  the  front  parlor, 
which  was  on  the  second  story  and  faced  the  street. 


254  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

There  he  would  be  found  seated  in  a  chair  near  the  fire 
place,  his  attire  the  garb  of  a  carman  or  "carter"  and 
hence  the  name  "  Carter's  G'host "  afterward  frequently 
applied  to  him.  There  he  would  sit  entirely  unmoved 
by  the  approach  of  living  denizens  of  the  house,  who,  at 
first,  would  suppose  that  he  was  some  drunken  or  insane 
intruder,  and  only  discover  their  mistake  as  they  drew 
near,  and  saw  the  fire-light  shining  through  him,  and 
notice  the  glare  of  his  frightful  eyes,  which  threatened 
all  comers  in  a  most  unearthly  way.  Such  was  the 
purport  of  the  first  sketch  that  appeared  in  the  "  Sunday 
Mercury,"  stated  so  distinctly  and  impressively  that  the 
effect  could  not  fail  to  be  tremendous  among  our  sensa 
tional  public.  To  help  the  matter,  another  brief  notice, 
to  the  same  effect,  appeared  in  the  Sunday  issue  of  a 
leading  journal  on  the  same  morning.  The  news  deal 
ers  and  street-carriers  caught  up  the  novelty  instanter, 
and  before  noon  not  a  copy  of  the  "  Sunday  Mercury  " 
could  be  bought  in  any  direction.  The  country  issue 
of  the  "  Sunday  Mercury  "  had  still  a  larger  sale. 

On  Sunday  morning,  every  sheet  in  town  made  some 
allusion  to  the  Ghost,  and  many  even  went  so  far  as  to 
give  the  very  (supposed)  number  of  the  house  favored 
with  his  visitations.  The  result  of  this  enterprising 
guess  was  ludicrous  enough,  bordering  a  little,  too,  upon 
the  serious.  Indignant  house-holders  rushed  down  to 
the  "  Sunday  Mercury  "  office  with  the  most  amusing 
wrath,  threatening  and  denouncing  the  astonished  pub 
lishers  with  all  sorts  of  legal  action  for  their  presumed 
trespass,  when  in  reality,  their  paper  had  designated  no 
place  or  person  at  all.  But  the  grandest  demonstration 


HOAXES.  255 

of  popular  excitement  was  revealed  in  Twenty-seventh 
street  itself.  Before  noon  a  considerable  portion  of  the 
thoroughfare  below  Sixth  Avenue  was  blocked  up  with  a 
dense  mass  of  people  of  all  ages,  sizes,  sexes,  and  nation 
alities,  who  had  come  "  to  see  the  Ghost.''  A  liquor 
store  or  two,  near  by,  drove  a  splendid  "  spiritual  " 
business  ;  and  by  evening  "  the  fun  "  grew  so  "  fast  and 
furious  "  that  a  whole  squad  of  police  had  to  be  employ 
ed  to  keep  the  side- walks  and  even  the  carriage-way 
clear.  The  "  Ghost  "  was  shouted  for  to  make  a  speech, 
like  any  other  new  celebrity,  and  old  ladies  and  gentle 
men  peering  out  of  upper-story  windows  were  saluted 
with  playful  tokens  of  regard,  such  as  turnips,  eggs  of 
ancient  date,  and  other  things  too  numerous  to  mention, 
from  the  crowd.  Nor  was  the  throng  composed  entire 
ly  of  Gothamites.  The  surrounding  country  sent  in  its 
contingent.  They  came  on  foot,  on  horseback,  in  wag 
ons,  and  arrayed  in  all  the  costumes  known  about  these 
parts,  since  the  days  of  Rip  Van  Winkle.  Cruikshanks 
would  have  made  a  fortune  from  his  easy  sketches  of 
only  a  few  figures  in  the  scene.  And  thus  the  con 
course  continued  for  days  together,  arriving  at  early 
morn  and  staying  there  in  the  street  until  "  dewy  eve." 
As  a  matter  of  course,  there  were  various  explana 
tions  of  the  story  propounded  by  various  people — all 
wondrously  wise  in  their  own  conceit.  Some  would 
have  it  that  "  the  Ghost"  was  got  up  by  some  of  the 
neighbors,  who  wished,  in  this  manner,  to  drive  away 
disreputable  occupants ;  others  insisted  that  it  was  the 
revenge  of  an  ousted  tenant,  etc.,  etc.  Everybody 
offered  his  own  theory,  and,  as  is  usual,  in  such  cases, 
nobody  was  exactly  right. 


256  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Meanwhile,  the  "  Sunday  Mercury  "  continued  its  pub 
lications  of  the  further  progress  of  the  "  mystery," 
from  week  to  week,  for  a  space  of  nearly  two  months, 
until  the  whole  country  seemed  to  have  gone  ghost- 
mad.  Apparitions  and  goblins  dire  were  seen  in  Wash 
ington,  Rochester,  Albany,  Montreal,  and  other  cities. 

The  spiritualists  took  it  up  and  began  to  discuss  u  the 
Carter  Ghost  "  with  the  utmost  zeal.  One  startling  in 
dividual  —  a  physician  and  a  philosopher  —  emerged 
from  his  professional  shell  into  full-fledged  glory,  as  the 
greatest  canard  of  all,  and  published  revelations  of  his 
own  intermediate  intercourse  with  the  terrific  u  Car 
ter."  In  every  nook  and  corner  of  the  land,  tremen 
dous  posters,  in  white  and  yellow,  broke  out  upon  the 
walls  and  windows  of  news-depots,  with  capitals  a  foot 
long,  and  exclamation-points  like  drumsticks,  announc 
ing  fresh  installments  of  the  "  Ghost "  story,  and  it  was 
a  regular  fight  between  go-ahead  vendors  who  should 
get  the  next  batch  of  horrors  in  advance  of  his  rivals. 

Nor  was  the  effect  abroad  the  least  feature  of  this 
stupendous  u  sell."  The  English,  French,  and  Ger 
man  press  translated  some  of  the  articles  in  epitome, 
and  wrote  grave  commentaries  thereon.  The  stage 
soon  caught  the  blaze  ;  and  Professor  Pepper,  at  the 
Royal  Polytechnic  Institute,  in  London,  invented  a 
most  ingenious  device  for  producing  ghosts  which 
should  walk  about  upon  the  stage  in  such  a  perfectly- 
astounding  manner  as  to  throw  poor  Hamlet's  father 
and  the  evil  genius  of  Brutus  quite  into  the  u  shade." 
"  Pepper's  Ghost "  soon  crossed  the  Atlantic,  and  all 
our  theatres  were  speedily  alive  with  nocturnal  appari- 


HOAXES.  257 

tions.  The  only  real  ghosts,  however  —  four  in  num 
ber —  came  out  at  the  Museum,  in  an  appropriate  dra 
ma,  which  had  an  immense  run  —  "  all  for  twenty-five 
cents,"  or  only  six  and  a  quarter  cents  per  ghost  !  * 

But  I  must  not  forget  to  say  that,  really,  the  details 
given  in  the  "  Sunday  Mercury  "  were  well  calculated  to 
lead  captive  a  large  class  of  minds  prone  to  luxuriate 
in  the  marvelous  when  well  mixed  with  plausible  rea 
soning.  The  most  circumstantial  accounts  were  given 
of  sundry  "  gifted  young  ladies,"  4i  grave  and  learned 
professors,"  "  reliable  gentlemen  "  —  where  are  those 
not  found?  —  "  lonely  watchers,"  and  others,  who  had 
sought  interviews  with  the  "  ghost,"  to  their  own  great 
enlightenment,  indeed,  but,  likewise,  complete  discomfit 
ure.  Pistols  were  fired  at  him,  pianos  played  and  songs 
sung  for  him,  and,  finally,  his  daguerreotype  taken  on 
prepared  metallic  plates  set  upright  in  the  haunted  room. 
One  shrewd  artist  brought  out  an  "  exact  photographic 
likeness  "  of  the  distinguished  stranger  on  cartes  de 
visite,  and  made  immense  sales.  The  apparitions,  too? 
multiplied.  An  old  man,  a  woman,  and  a  child  made 
their  appearance  in  the  house  of  wonders,  and,  at  last, 
a  gory  head  with  distended  eyeballs,  swimming  in  a  sea 
of  blood,  upon  a  platter  —  like  that  of  Holofernes  — 
capped  the  climax. 

Certain  wiseacres  here  began  to  see  political  allusions 
in  the  Ghost,  and  many  actually  took  the  whole  affair 
to  be  a  cunningly  devised  political  satire  upon  this  or 
that  party,  according  as  their  sympathies  swayed  them. 

It  would  have  been  a  remarkable  portion  of  *'  this 
strange,  eventful  history,"  of  course,  if  "  Barnum  " 


258  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

could  have  escaped  the  accusation  of  being  its  progeni 
tor. 

I  was  continually  beset,  and  frequently,  when  more 
than  usually  busy,  thoroughly  annoyed  by  the  innuen 
does  of  my  visitors,  that  I  was  the  father  of  "  the 
Ghost." 

"  Come,  now,  Mr.  Barnum  —  this  is  going  a  little 
too  far  ! "'  some  £ood  old  dame  or  grandfather  would 

£5  C> 

say  to  me.  "  You  oughtn't  to  scare  people  in  this  way. 
These  ghosts  are  ugly  customers  !  " 

"  My  dear  Sir,"  or  "  Madam,"  I  would  say,  as  the 
case  might  be,  "  I  do  assure  you  I  know  nothing  what 
ever  about  the  Ghost" — and  as  for  u  spirits,"  you 
know  I  never  touch  them,  and  have  been  preaching 
against  them  nearly  all  my  life." 

"  Well !  well !  you  will  ,have  the  last  turn,"  they'd 
retort,  as  they  edged  away  ;  "  but  you  needn't  tell  us. 
We  guess  we've  found  the  ghost." 

Now,  all  I  can  add  about  this  strange  hallucination 
is,  that  those  who  came  to  me  to  see  the  original  "  Car 
ter,"  really  saw  the  "  Elephant." 

The  wonderful  apparition  disappeared,  at  length,  as 
suddenly  as  he  had  come.  The  "  Bull's-Eye  Brigade," 
as  the  squad  of  police  put  on  duty  to  watch  the  neigh 
borhood,  for  various  reasons,  was  termed,  hung  to  their 
work,  and  flashed  the  light  of  their  lanterns  into  the 
faces  of  lonely  couples,  for  some  time  afterward  ;  but 
quiet,  at  length,  settled  down  over  all :  and  it  has  been 
it  seems,  reserved  for  my  pen  to  record  briefly  the  his 
tory  of  "  The  Twenty-seventh  street  Ghost." 


HOAXES.  259 


CHAPTER     XXXII. 
THE    MOON-HOAX. 

The  most  stupendous  scientific  imposition  upon  the 
public  that  the  generation  with  which  we  are  numbered 
lias  known,  was  the  so-called  "  Moon-Hoax,"  published 
in  the  columns  of  the  "  New  York  Sun,"  in  the  months 
of  August  and  September,  1835.  The  sensation  created 
by  this  immense  imposture,  not  only  throughout  the 
United  States,  but  in  every  part  of  the  civilized  world, 
and  the  consummate  ability  with  which  it  was  written, 
will  render  it  interesting  so  long  as  our  language  shall 
endure  ;  and,  indeed,  astronomical  science  has  actually 
been  indebted  to  it  for  many  most  valuable  hints  —  a 
circumstance  that  gives  the  production  a  still  higher 
claim  to  immortality. 

At  the  period  when  the  wonderful  "  yarn  "  to  which 
I  allude  first  appeared,  the  science  of  astronomy  was  en 
gaging  particular  attention,  and  all  works  on  the  sub 
ject  were  eagerly  bought  up  and  studied  by  immense 
masses  of  people.  The  real  discoveries  of  the  younger 
Herschel,  whose  fame  seemed  destined  to  eclipse  that 
of  the  elder  sage  of  the  same  name,  and  the  eloquent 
startling  works  of  Dr.  Dick,  which  the  Harpers  were 
republishing,  in  popular  form,  from  the  English  edition, 
did  much  to  increase  and  keep  up  this  peculiar  mania 
of  the  time,  until  the  whole  community  at  last  were 
literally  occupied  with  but  little  else  than  u  star-gazing." 


260  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Dick's  works  on  "  The  Sidereal  Heavens,"  u  Celestial 
Scenery,"  "  The  improvement  of  Society,"  etc.,  were 
read  with  the  utmost  avidity  by  rich  and  poor,  old  and 
young,  in  season  and  out  of  season.  They  were  quoted 
in  the. parlor,  at  the  table,  on  the  promenade,  at  church, 
and  even  in  the  bedroom,  until  it  absolutely  seemed  as 
though  the  whole  community  had  "  Dick  "  upon  the 
brain.  To  the  highly  educated  and  imaginative  por 
tion  of  our  good  Gothamite  population,  the  Doctor's 
glowing  periods,  full  of  the  grandest  speculations  as  to 
the  starry  worlds  around  us,  their  wondrous  magnifi 
cence  and  ever-varying  aspects  of  beauty  and  happiness 
were  inexpressibly  fascinating.  The  author's  well- 
reasoned  conjectures  as  to  the  majesty  and  beauty  of 
their  landscapes,  the  fertility  and  diversity  of  their  soil, 
and  the  exalted  intelligence  and  comeliness  of  their  in 
habitants,  found  hosts  of  believers  ;  and  nothing  elsfc 
formed  the  staple  of  conversation,  until  the  beaux  and 
belles,  and  dealers  in  small  talk  generally,  began  to 
grumble,  and  openly  express  their  wishes  that  the 
Dickens  had  Doctor  Dick  and  all  his  works. 

It  was  at  the  very  height  of  the  furor  above  mention 
ed,  that  one  morning  the  readers  of  the  "  Sun  " —  at  that 
time  only  twenty-five  hundred  in  number  —  were  thrill 
ed  with  the  announcement  in  its  columns  of  certain 
u  Great  Astronomical  Discoveries  Lately  Made  by  Sir 
John  Herschel,  LL.  D.,  F.  R.  S.  etc.,  at  the  Cape  of 
Good  Hope,"  purporting  to  be  a  republication  from 
a  Supplement  to  the  Edinburgh  Journal  of  Science. 
The  heading  of  the  article  was  striking  enough,  yet  was 
far  from  conveying  any  adequate  idea  of  its  contents. 


HOAXES.  261 

When  the  latter  became  known,  the  excitement  went 
beyond  all  bounds,  and  grew  until  the  "•  Sun  "  office  was 
positively  besieged  with  crowds  of  people  of  the  very 
first  class,  vehemently  applying  for  copies  of  the  issue 
containing  the  wonderful  details. 

As  the  pamphlet  form  in  which  the  narrative  was 
subsequently  published  is  now  out  of  print,  and  a  copy 
can  hardly  be  had  in  the  country,  I  will  recall  a  few 
passages  from  a  rare  edition,  for  the  gratification  of  my 
friends  who  have  never  seen  the  original.  Indeed,  the 
whole  story  is  altogether  too  good  to  be  lost ;  and  it  is 
a  great  pity  that  we  can  not  have  a  handsome  reprint 
of  it  given  to  the  world  from  time  to  time.  It  is  con 
stantly  in  demand  ;  and,  during  the  year  1859,  a  single 
copy  of  sixty  pages,  sold  at  the  auction  of  Mr.  Haswell's 
library,  brought  the  sum  of  $3,75.  In  that  same  year, 
a  correspondent,  in  Wisconsin,  writing  to  the  "  Sunday 
Times"  of  this  city,  inquired  where  the  book  could  be 
procured,  and  was  answered  that  he  could  find  it  at  the 
old  bookstore,  No.  85  Centre  Street,  if  anywhere. 
Thus,  after  a  search  of  many  weeks,  the  Western  bib 
liopole  succeeded  in  obtaining  a  well-thumbed  specimen 
of  the  precious  work.  Acting  upon  this  chance  sugges 
tion,  Mr.  William  Gowans,  of  this  city,  during  the 
same  year,  brought  out  a  very  neat  edition,  in  paper 
covers,  illustrated  with  a  view  of  the  moon,  as  seen 
through  Lord  Rosse's  grand  telescope,  in  1856.  But 
this,  too,  has  all  been  sold  ;  and  the  most  indefatigable 
book-collector  might  find  it  difficult  to  purchase  a  sin 
gle  copy  at  the  present  time.  I,  therefore,  render  the 
inquiring  reader  no  slight  service  in  culling  for  him 


262  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

some  of  the  flowers  from  this  curious  astronomical  gar 
den. 

The  opening  of  the  narrative  was  in  the  highest 
Review  style  ;  and  the  majestic,  yet  subdued,  dignity 
of  its  periods,  at  once  claimed  respectful  attention  ; 
while  its  perfect  candor,  and  its  wealth  of  accurate  sci 
entific  detail  exacted  the  homage  of  belief  from  all  but 
cross-grained  and  inexorable  skeptics. 

It  commences  thus : 

"In  this  unusual  addition  to  our  Journal,  we  have  the 
happiness  to  make  known  to  the  British  public,  and 
thence  to  the  whole  civilized  world,  recent  discoveries  in 
Astronomy,  which  will  build  an  imperishable  monument 
to  the  age  in  which  we  live,  and  confer  upon  the  present 
generation  of  the  human  race  a  proud  distinction  through 
all  future  time.  It  has  been  poetically  said,  that  the  stars 
of  heaven  are  the  hereditary  regalia  of  man,  as  the  intel 
lectual  sovereign  of  the  animal  creation.  Pie  may  now 
fold  the  Zodiac  around  him  with  a  loftier  consciousness 
of  his  mental  superiority,"  etc.,  etc. 

The  writer  then  eloquently  descanted  upon  the  sublime 
achievement  by  which  man  pierced  the  bounds  that 
hemmed  him  in,  and  with  sensations  of  awe  approached 
the  revelations  of  his  own  genius  in  the  far-off  heavens, 
and  with  intense  dramatic  effect  described  the  younger 
Herschel  surpassing  all  that  his  father  had  ever  attain 
ed  ;  and  by  some  stupendous  apparatus  about  to  unvail 
the  remotest  mysteries  of  the  sidereal  space,  pausing  for 
many  hours  ere  the  excess  of  his  emotions  would  allow 
him  to  lift  the  vail  from  his  own  overwhelming  success. 

I  must  quote  a  line  or  two  of  this  passage,  for  it 
capped  the  climax  of  public  curiosity  : 


HOAXES.  263 

* 

"  Well  might  he  pause  !  He  was  about  to  become  the 
sole  depository  of  wondrous  secrets  which  had  been  hid 
from  the  eyes  of  all  men  that  had  lived  since  the  birth  of 
time.  He  was  about  to  crown  himself  with  a  diadem  of 
knowledge  which  would  give  him  a  conscious  pre 
eminence  above  every  individual  of  his  species  who  then 
lived  or  who  had  lived  in  the  generations  that  are  passed 
away.  He  paused  ere  he  broke  the  seal  of  the  casket  that 
contained  it." 

Was  not  this  introduction  enough  to  stimulate  the 
wonder  bump  of  all  the  star-gazers,  until 

"  Each  particular  hair  did  stand  on  end, 
Like  quills  upon  the  fretful  porcupine  ?  ' ' 

At  all  events,  such  was  the  effect,  and  it  was  impos 
sible  at  first  to  supply  the  frantic  demand,  even  of  the 
city,  not  to  mention  the  country  readers. 

I  may  very  briefly  sum  up  the  outline  of  the  discov 
eries  alleged  to  have  been  made,  in  a  few  paragraphs, 
so  as  not  to  protract  the  suspense  of  my  readers  too 
long. 

It  was  claimed  that  the  "  Edinburgh -Journal  "  was  in 
debted  for  its  information  to  Doctor  Andrew  Grant  — 
a  savant  of  celebrity,  who  had,  for  very  many  years, 
been  the  scientific  companion,  first  of  the  elder  and  sub 
sequently  of  the  younger  Herschel,  and  had  gone  with 
the  latter  in  September,  1834,  to  the  Cape  of  Good 
Hope,  whither  he  had  been  sent  by  the  British  Govern 
ment,  acting  in  conjunction  with  the  Governments  of 
France  and  Austria,  to  observe  the  transit  of  Mercury 
over  the  disc  of  the  sun  —  an  astronomical  point  of 
great  importance  to  the  lunar  observations  of  longitude, 


264  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

and  consequently  to  the  navigation  of  the  world.  This 
transit  was  not  calculated  to  occur  before  the  7th  of  No 
vember,  1835  (the  year  in  which  the  hoax  was  print 
ed  ;)  but  Sir  John  Herschel  set  out  nearly  a  year  in 
advance,  for  the  purpose  of  thoroughly  testing  a  new 
and  stupendous  telescope  devise^  by  himself  under  this 
peculiar  inspiration,  and  infinitely  surpassing  anything 
of  the  kind  ever  before  attempted  by  mortal  man. 
It  has  been  discovered  by  previous  astronomers  and 
among  others,  by  Herschel's  illustrious  father,  that  the 
sidereal  object  becomes  dim  in  proportion  as  it  is  magni 
fied,  and  that,  beyond  a  certain  limit,  the  magnifying 
power  is  consequently  rendered  almost  useless.  Thus, 
an  impassable  barrier  seemed  to  lie  in  the  way  of  future 
close  observation,  unless  some  means  could  be  devised 
to  illuminate  the  object  to  the  eye.  By  intense  research 
and  the  application  of  all  recent  improvements  in  optics, 
Sir  John  had  succeeded  in  securing  a  beautiful  and  per 
fectly  lighted  image  of  the  moon  with  a  magnifying 
power  that  increased  its  apparent  size  in  the  heavens 
six  thousand  times.  Dividing  the  distance  of  the  moon 
from  the  earth,  viz.  :  240,000  miles,  by  six  thousand,  we 
we  have  forty  miles  as  the  distance  at  which  she  would 
then  seem  to  be  seen  ;  and  as  the  elder  Herschel,  with 
a  magnifying  power,  only  one  thousand,  had  calculated 
that  he  could  distinguish  an  object  on  the  moon's  surface 
not  more  than  122  yards  in  diameter,  it  was  clear  that 
his  son,  with  six  times  the  power,  could  see  an  object 
there  only  twenty-two  yards  in  diameter.  But,  for 
any  further  advance  in  power  and  light,  the  way  seem 
ed  insuperably  closed  until  a  profound  conversation 


HOAXES.  265 

with  the  great  savant  and  optician,  Sir  David  Brewstery- 
led  Herschel  to  suggest  to  the  latter  the  idea  of  the  re- 
adoption  of  the  old  fashioned  telescopes,  without  tubes, 
which  threw  their  images  upon  reflectors  in  a  dark 
apartment,  and  then  the  illumination  of  these  images 
by  the  intense  hydro-oxygen  light  used  in  the  ordinary 
illuminated  microscope.  At  this  suggestion,  Brewster 
is  represented  by  the  veracious  chronicler  as  leaping  with 
enthusiasm  from  his  chair,  exclaiming  in  rapture  to 
Herschel : 

"  Thou  art  the  man !  " 

"  The  suggestion,  thus  happily  approved,  was  immedi 
ately  acted  upon,  and  a  subscription,  headed  by  that 
liberal  patron  of  science,  the  Duke  of  Sussex,  with 
.£10,000,  was  backed  by  the  reigning  King  of  England 
with  his  royal  word  for  any  sum  that  might  be  needed  to 
make  up  £ 70, 000,  the  amount  required.  No  time  was 
lost  ;  and,  after  one  or  two  failures,  in  January  1833,  the 
house  of  Hartley  &  Grant,  at  Dumbarton,  succeeded  in 
casting  the  huge  object-glass  of  the  new  apparatus, 
measuring  twenty-four  feet  (or  six  times  that  of  the 
elder  Herschel's  glass)  in  diameter  ;  weighing  14,826 
pounds,  or  nearly  seven  tons,  after  being  polished,  and 
possessing  a  magnifying  power  of  42,000  times  !  —  a  per 
fectly  pure,  spotless,  achromatic  lens,  without  a  material 
bubble  or  flaw  ! 

Of  course,  after  so  elaborate  a  description  of  so  as 
tounding  a  result  as  this,  the  "  Edinburg  Scientific  Jour 
nal  "  (i.  e.,  the  writer  in  the  "  New  York  Sun  ")  could 
not  avoid  being  equally  precise  in  reference  to  subse 
quent  details,  and  he  proceeded  to  explain  that  Sir  John 
12 


266  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Herschel  and  his  amazing  apparatus  having  been  select 
ed  by  the  Board  of  Longitude  to  observe  the  transit  of 
Mercury,  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope  was  chosen  be 
cause,  upon  the  former  expedition  to  Peru,  acting  in 
conjunction  with  one  to  Lapland,  which  was  sent  out  for 
the  same  purpose  in  the  eighteenth  century,  it  had  been 
noticed  that  the  attraction  of  the  mountainous  regions 
deflected  the  plumb-line  of  the  large  instruments  seven 
or  eight  seconds  from  the  perpendicular,  and,  conse 
quently,  greatly  impaired  the  enterprise.  At  the  Cape, 
on  the  contrary,  there  was  a  magnificent  table-land  of 
vast  expanse,  where  this  difficulty  could  not  occur. 
Accordingly,  on  the  4th  of  September,  1834,  with  a  de 
sign  to  become  perfectly  familiar  with  the  working  of 
his  new  gigantic  apparatus,  and  with  the  Southern  Con 
stellations,  before  the  period  of  his  observations  of  Mer 
cury,  Sir  John  Herschel  sailed  from  London,  accompa 
nied  by  Doctor  Grant  (the  supposed  informant,)  Lieu 
tenant  Drummond,  of  the  Royal  Engineers,  F.  R.  A.  S., 
and  a  large  party  of  the  best  English  workmen.  On 
their  arrival  at  the  Cape,  the  apparatus  was  conveyed, 
in  four  days'  time,  to  the  great  elevated  plain,  thirty- 
five  miles  to  the  N.  E.  of  Cape  Town,  on  trains  drawn 
by  two  relief-teams  of  oxen,  eighteen  to  a  team,  the 
ascent  aided  by  gangs  of  Dutch  boors.  For  the  details 
of  the  huge  fabric  in  which  the  lens  and  its  reflectors 
were  set  up,  I  must  refer  the  curious  reader  to  the 
pamphlet  itself —  not  that  the  presence  of  the  "  Dutch 
boors"  alarms  me  at  all,  since  we  have  plenty  of  boors 
at  home,  and  one  gets  used  to  them  in  the  course  of 
time,  but  because  the  elaborate  scientific  description  of 


HOAXES.  267 

the  structure  would  make  most  readers  see   "  stars  "  in 
broad  daylight  before  they  get  through. 

I  shall  only  go  on  to  say  that,  by  the  10th  of  Janu 
ary,    everything  was  complete,  even  to  the    two   pillars 
u  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high  !  "  that  sustained  the 
lens.     Operations   then   commenced  forthwith,  and  so, 
too,  did  the  "  special  wonder  "  of  the   readers.     It  is  a 
matter  of  congratulation  to  mankind  that  the  writer  of 
the  hoax,  with  an   apology  (Heaven   save   the  mark  !) 
spared  us  Herschel's  notes  of  "  the  Moon's  tropical,  side 
real,  and  synodic  revolutions,"  and  the  "  phenomena  of 
the  syzygies,"  and  proceeded  at  once  to  the  pith  of  the 
subject.     Here    came    in    his    grand    stroke,  informing 
the   world  of  complete   success   in   obtaining   a  distinct 
view  of  objects  in  the  moon  "  fully  equal  to  that  which 
the  unaided  eye  commands  of  terrestrial  objects  at  the 
distance   of  a  hundred  yards,   affirmatively  settling 'the 
question  whether  the  satellite  be  inhabited,  and  by  what 
order  of  beings,"  "  firmly  establishing  a  new  theory  of 
cometary  phenomena,"   etc.,  etc.      This  announcement 
alone  was  enough  to  take  one's  breath  away,  but  when 
the   green    marble  shores   of   the   Mare    Nubiurn  ;    the 
mountains  shaped  like  pyramids,  and  of  the  purest  and 
most   dazzling  crystalized,    wine-colored  amethyst,  dot 
ting  green  valleys   skirted  by  "  round- breasted   hills;  " 
summits   of  the   purest   vermilion   fringed  with  arching 
cascades  and   buttresses  of  white   marble  glistening  in 
the  sun  — when  these  began  to  be  revealed,  the  delight 
of    our    Luna-tics    knew   no  bounds  —  and   the  whole 
town  went  moon-mad !     But  even   these  immense  pic 
tures  were  surpassed  by  the  "  lunatic  "  animals  discov- 


268  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WOULD. 

ered.  First  came  the  "  herds  of  brown  quadrupeds  " 
very  like  a  —  no  !  not  a  whale,  but  a  bison,  and  u  with 
a  tail  resembling  that  of  the  bos  grunniens  "  —  the 
reader  probably  understands  what  kind  of  a  "  bos  " 
that  is,  if  he's  apprenticed  to  a  theatre  in  midsummer 
with  musicians  on  a  strike  ;  then  a  creature,  which  the 
hoax-man  naively  declared  "  would  be  classed  on  earth 
as  a  monster  "  —  I  rather  think  it  would  !  —  "  of  a 
bluish  lead  color,  about  the  size  of  a  goat,  with  a  head 
and  a  beard  like  him,  and  a  single  horn,  slightly  inclined 
forward  from  the  perpendicular  "  —  it  is  clear  that  if 
this  goat  was  cut  down  to  a  single  horn,  other  people 
were  not !  I  could  not  but  fully  appreciate  the  exqui 
site  distinction  accorded  by  the  writer  to  the  female 
of  this  lunar  animal — for  she,  while  deprived  of  horn 
and  beard,  he  explicitly  tells  us,  "  had  a  much  larger 
tail  !  "  When  the  astronomers  put  their  fingers  on  the 
beard  of  this  "  beautiful  "  little  creature  (on  the  reflect 
or,  mind  you  !)  it  would  skip  away  in  high  dudgeon, 
which,  considering  that  240,000  miles  intervened,  was 
something  to  show  its  delicacy  of  feeling. 

Next  in  the  procession  of  discovery,  among  other  ani 
mals  of  less  note,  was  presented  "  a  quadruped  with  an 
amazingly  long  neck,  head  like  a  sheep,  bearing  two 
long  spiral  horns,  white  as  polished  ivory,  and  standing 
in  perpendiculars  parallel  to  each  other.  Its  body  was 
like  that  of  a  deer,  but  its  forelegs  were  most  dispropor 
tionately  long,  and  its  tail,  which  was  very  bushy  and 
of  a  snowy  whiteness,  curled  high  over  its  rump  and 
hung  two  or  three  feet  by  its  side.  Its  colors  were  bright 
bay  and  white,  brindled  in  patches,  but  of  no  regular 


HOAXES.  269 

form."  This  is  probably  the  animal  known  to  us  on 
earth,  and  particularly  along  the  Mississippi  River,  as  the 
"  guyascutus,"  to  which  I  may  particularly  refer  in  a 
future  article. 

But  all  these  beings  faded  into  insignificance  compar 
ed  with  the  first  sight  of  the  genuine  Lunatics,  or  men  in 
the  moon,  "  four  feet  high,  covered,  except  in  the  face, 
with  short,  glossy,  copper-colored  hair,"  and  "  with 
wings  composed  of  a  thin  membrane,  without  hair,  ly 
ing  snugly  upon  their  backs  from  the  top  of  their  shoul 
ders  to  the  calves  of  their  legs,"  with  faces  of  a  yellow 
ish  flesh-color  —  a  slight  improvement  on  the  large 
ourang-outang."  Complimentary  for  the  Lunatics ! 
But,  says  the  chronicler,  Lieutenant  Drummond  declar 
ed  that  "  but  for  their  long  wings,  they  would  look  as 
well  on  a  parade-ground  as  some  of  the  cockney  mili 
tia  !  "  A  little  rough,  my  friend  the  reader  will  ex 
claim,  for  the  aforesaid  militia. 

Of  course,  it  is  impossible,  in  a  sketch  like  the  pres 
ent,  to  do  more  than  give  a  glimpse  of  this  rare  combi 
nation  of  astronomical  realities  and  the  vagaries  of  mere 

O 

fancy,  and  I  must  omit  the  Golden-fringed  Mountains, 
the  Vale  of  the  Triads,  with  their  splendid  triangular 
temples,  etc.,  but  I  positively  cannot  pass  by  the  glow 
ing  mention  of  the  inhabitants  of  this  wonderful  valley 
—  a  superior  race  of  Lunatics,  as  beautiful  and  as  hap 
py  as  angels,  "  spread  like  eagles  "  on  the  grass,  eating 
yellow  gourds  and  red  cucumbers,  and  played  with  by 
snow-white  stags,  with  jet-black  horns  !  The  descrip 
tion  here  is  positively  delightful,  and  I  even  now  remem 
ber  my  poignant  sigh  of  regret  when,  at  the  conclusion,  I 


270  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

read  that  these  innocent  and  happy  beings,  although 
evidently  "  creatures  of  order  and  subordination,"  and 
"  very  polite,"  were  seen  indulging  in  amusements  which 
would  not  be  deemed  "  within  the  bounds  of  strict  pro 
priety  "  on  this  degenerate  ball.  The  story  wound  up 
rather  abruptly  by  referring  the  reader  to  an  extended 
work  on  the  subject  by  Herschel,  which  has  not  yet  ap 
peared. 

One  can  laugh  very  heartily,  now,  at  all  .this  ;  but 
nearly  everybody,  the  gravest  and  the  wisest,  too,  was 
completely  taken  in  at  the  time  :  and  the  "  Sun,"  then 
established  at  the  corner  of  Spruce  street,  where  the 
"• Tribune  "  office  now  stands,  reaped  an  increase  of 
more  than  fifty  thousand  to  its  circulation  —  in  fact,  there 
gained  the  foundation  of  its  subsequent  prolonged  success. 
Its  proprietors  sold  no  less  than  $25,000  worth  of  the 
"  Moon  Hoax  "  over  the  counter,  even  exhausting  an  edi 
tion  of  sixty  thousand  in  pamphlet  form.  And  who  was 
the  author  ?  A  literary  gentleman,  who  has  devoted  very 
many  years  of  his  life  to  mathematical  and  astronomi 
cal  studies,  and  was  at  the  time  connected  as  an  editor 
with  the  "  Sun  " —  one  whose  name  has  since  been  wide 
ly  known  in  literature  and  politics  —  Richard  Adams 
Locke,  Esq.,  then  in  his  youth,  and  now  in  the  decline 
of  years.  Mr.  Locke,  who  still  survives,  is  a  native  of 
the  British  Isles,  and,  at  the  time  of  his  first  connection 
with  the  Ne\v  York  press,  was  the  only  short-hand  re 
porter  in  this  city,  where  he  laid  tho  basis  of  a  compe 
tency  he  now  enjoys.  Mr.  Locke  declares  that  his  ori 
ginal  object  in  writing  the  Moon  story  was  to  satirize 
some  of  the  extravagances  of  Doctor  Dick,  and  to  make 


HOAXES.  271 

some   astronomical   suggestions   which  he  felt   diffident 
about  offering  seriously. 

Whatever  may  have  been  his  object,  his  hit  was  un 
rivaled  ;  and  for  months  the  press  of  Christendom,  but 
far  more  in  Europe  than  here,  teemed  with  it,  until  Sir 
John  Herschel  was  actually  compelled  to  come  out  with 
a  denial  over  his  own  signature.  In  the  meantime,  it 
was  printed  and  published  in  many  languages,  with  su 
perb  illustrations.  Mr.  Endicott,  the  celebrated  litho 
grapher,  some  years  ago  had  in  his  possession  a  splen 
did  series  of  engravings,  of  extra  folio  size,  got  up 
in  Italy,  in  the  highest  style  of  art,  and  illustrating  the 
"  Moon  Hoax." 

Here,  in  New  York,  the  public  were,  for  a  long  time, 
divided  on  the  subject,  the  vast  majority  believing,  and 
a  few  grumpy  customers  rejecting  the  story.  One  day, 
Mr.  Locke  was  introduced  by  a  mutual  friend  at  the 
door  of  the  "  Sun  "  office  to  a  very  grave  old  orthodox 
Quaker,  who,  in  the  calmest  manner,  went  on  to  tell  him 
all  about  the  embarkation  of  Herschel's  apparatus  at 
London,  where  he  had  seen  it  with  his  own  eyes.  Of 
course,  Locke's  optics  expanded  somewhat  while  he  lis 
tened  to  this  remarkable  statement,  but  he  wisely  kept 
his  own  counsel. 

The  discussions  of  the  press  were  very  rich ;  the 
"  Sun,"  of  course,  defending  the  affair  as  genuine,  and 
others  doubting  it.  The  "  Mercantile  Advertiser," 
The  "Albany  Daily  Advertiser,"  "the  New  York 
Commercial  Advertiser,"  the  "  New  York  Times,"  the 
"  New  Yorker,"  the  "  New  York  Spirit  of  '76,"  the 
"Sunday  News,"  the  "United  States  Gazette,"  the 


272  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  Philadelphia  Inquirer,"  and  hosts  of  other  papers 
came  out  with  the  most  solemn  acceptance  and  admir 
ation  of  these  "  wonderful  discoveries,"  and  were 
eclipsed  in  their  approval  only  by  the  scientific  journals 
abroad.  The  "  Evening  Post,"  however,  was  decidedly 
skeptical,  and  took  up  the  matter  in  this  irreverent  way  : 

"It  is  quite  proper  that  the  "  Sun"  should  be  the  means 
of  shedding  so  much  light  on  the  Moon.  That  there 
should  be  winged  people  in  the  moon  does  not  strike  us 
as  more  wonderful  than  the  existence  of  such  a  race  of 
beings  on  the  earth  ;  and  that  there  does  still  exist  such 
a  race,  rests  on  the  evidence  of  that  most  veracious  of 
voyagers  and  circumstantial  of  chroniclers,  Peter  Wilkins, 
whose  celebrated  work  not  only  gives  an  account  of  the 
general  appearance  and  habits  of  a  most  interesting  tribe 
of  flying  Indians;  but,  also,  of  all  those  more  delicate  and 
engaging  traits  which  the  author  was  enabled  to  discover 
by  reason  of  the  conjugal  relations  he  entered  into  with 
one  of  the  females  of  the  winged  tribe." 

The  moon-hoax  had  its  day,  and  some  of  its  glory 
still  survives.  Mr.  Locke,  its  author,  is  now  quietly 
residing  in  the  beautiful  little  home  of  a  friend  on  the 
Clove  Road,  Staten  Island,  and  no  doubt,  as  he  gazes 
up  at  the  evening  luminary,  often  fancies  that  he  sees 
a  broad  grin  on  the  countenance  of  its  only  well- 
authenticated  tenant,  u  the  hoary  solitary  whom  the 
criminal  code  of  the  nursery  has  banished  thither  for 
collecting  fuel  on  the  Sabbath-day." 


HOAXES.  273 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

THE  MISCEGENATION  HOAX. —  A  GREAT  LIT-ERARY  SELL. 
POLITICAL  HUMBUGGING. TRICKS  OF  THE  WIRE 
PULLERS. MACHINERY  EMPLOYED  TO  RENDER  THE 

PAMPHLET   NOTORIOUS. WHO  WERE  SOLD    AND    HOW 

IT    WAS    DONE. 

Some  persons  say  that  "  all  is  fair  in  politics."  With 
out  agreeing  with  this  doctrine,  I  nevertheless  feel  that 
the  history  of  Ancient  and  Modern  Humbugs  would 
not  be  complete  without  a  record  of  the  last  and  one  of 
the  most  successful  of  known  literary  hoaxes.  This 
is  the  pamphlet  entitled  "  Miscegenation,"  which  advo 
cates  the  blending  of  the  white  and  black  races  upon 
this  continent,  as  a  result  not  only  inevitable  from  the 
freeing  of  the  negro,  but  desirable  as  a  means  of  cre 
ating  a  more  perfect  race  of  men  than  any  now  exist 
ing.  This  pamphlet  is  a  clever  political  quiz;  and  was 
written  by  three  young  gentlemen  of  the  "  World  " 
newspaper,  namely.  D.  G.  Croly,  George  Wakeman, 
and  E.  C.  Howell. 

The  design  of  "Miscegenation"  was  exceedingly 
ambitious,  and  the  machinery  employed  was  probably 
among  the  most  ingenious  and  audacious  ever  put  into 
operation  to  procure  the  indorsement  of  absurd  theories, 
and  give  the  subject  the  widest  notoriety.  The  object 
was  to  so  make  use  of  the  prevailing  ideas  of  the  ex 
tremists  of  the  Anti-Slavery  party,  as  to  induce  them 
12* 


274  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

to  accept  doctrines  which  would  be  obnoxious  to  the 
great  mass  of  the  community,  and  which  would,  of 
course,  be  used  in  the  political  canvass  which  was  to  en 
sue.  It  was  equally  important  that  the  "  Democrats  " 
should  be  made  to  believe  that  the  pamphlet  in  question 
emanated  from  a  "  Republican  "  source.  The  idea  was 
suggested  by  a  discourse  delivered  by  Mr.  Theodore 
Tilton,  at  the  Cooper  Institute,  before  the  American 
Anti-Slavery  Society,  in  May  1863,  on  the  negro,  in 
which  that  distinguished  orator  argued,  that  in  some 
future  time  the  blood  of  the  negro  would  form  one  of 
the  mingled  bloods  of  the  great  regenerated  American 
nation.  The  scheme  once  conceived,  it  began  immedi 
ately  to  be  put  into  execution.  The  first  stumbling- 
block  was  the  name  "  amalgamation,"  by  which  this 
fraternizino1  of  the  races  had  been  always  known.  It 

O  «' 

was  evident  that  a  book  advocating  amalgamation  would 
fall  still-born,  and  hence  some  new  and  novel  word  had 
to  be  discovered,  with  the  same  meaning,  but  not  so  ob 
jectionable.  Such  a  word  was  coined  by  the  combina 
tion  of  the  Latin  miscere,  to  mix,  and  genus,  race : 
from  these,  miscegenation  —  a  mingling  of  the  races. 
The  word  is  as  euphonious  as  "  amalgamation,"  and 
much  more  correct  in  meaning.  It  has  passed  into  the 
language,  and  no  future  dictionary  will  be  complete 
without  it.  Next,  it  was  necessary  to  give  the  book  an 
erudite  appearance,  and  arguments  from  ethnology 
must  form  no  unimportant  part  of  this  matter.  Neither 
of  the  authors  being  versed  in  this  science,  they  were 
compelled  to  depend  entirely  on  enclyclopedias  and 
books  of  reference.  This  obstacle  to  a  New  York  edit- 


HOAXES.  275 

or  or  reporter  was  not  so  great  as  it  might  seem.  The 
public  are  often  favored  in  our  journals  with  disserta 
tions  upon  various  abstruse  matters  by  men  who  are  en 
tirely  ignorant  of  what  they  are  writing  about.  It  was 
said  of  Cuvier  that  he  could  restore  the  skeleton  of  an 
extinct  animal  if  he  were  only  given  one  of  its  teeth, 
and  so  a  competent  editor  or  reporter  of  a  city  journal 
can  get  up  an  article  of  any  length  on  any  given  sub 
ject,  if  he  is  only  furnished  one  word  or  name  to  start 
with.  There  was  but  one  writer  on  ethnology  distinct 
ly  known  to  the  authors,  which  was  Prichard ;  but 
that  being  secured,  all  the  rest  came  easily  enough. 
The  authors  went  to  the  Astor  Library  and  secured  a 
volume, of  Prichard's  works,  the  perusal  of  which  of 
course  gave  them  the  names  of  many  other  authorities, 
which  were  also  consulted  ;  and  thus  a  very  respecta 
ble  array  of  scientific  arguments  in  favor  of  Miscegena 
tion  were  soon  compiled.  The  sentimental  and  argu 
mentative  portions  were  quickly  suggested  from  the 
knowledge  of  the  authors  of  current  politics,  of  the  va 
garies  of  some  of  the  more  visionary  reformers,  and 
from  their  own  native  wit. 

The  book  was  at  first  written  in  a  most  cursory  man 
ner  the  chapters  got  up  without  any  order  or  reference  to 
each  other,  and  afterward  arranged.  As  the  impression 
sought  to  be  conveyed  was  a  serious  one,  it  would  clear 
ly  not  do  to  commence  with  the  extravagant  and  absurd 
theories  to  which  it  was  intended  that  the  reader  should 
gradually  be  led.  The  scientific  portion  of  the  work 
was  therefore  given  first,  and  was  made  as  grave  and 
terse  and  unobjectionable  as  possible  ;  and  merely  urged, 


276  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

by  arguments  drawn  from  science  and  history,  that  the 
blending  of  the  different  races  of  men  resulted  in  a  bet 
ter  progeny.  As  the  work  progressed,  they  continued 
to  "  pile  on  the  agony,"  until,  at  the  close,  the  very  fact 
that  the  statue  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  on  the  Capitol, 
is  of  a  bronze  tint,  is  looked  upon  as  an  omen  of  the 
color  of  the  future  American  ! 

"  When  the  traveler  approaches  the  City  of  Magnficent 
Distances,"  it  says,  "  the  seat  of  what  is  destined  to  be 
the  greatest  and  most  beneficent  power  on  earth,  the  first 
object  that  will  strike  his  eye  will  be  the  figure  of  Liberty 
surmounting  the  Capitol;  not  white,  symbolizing  but  one 
race,  nor  black,  typifying  another,  but  a  statue  represent 
ing  the  composite  race,  whose  sway  will  extend  from 
the  Atlantic  to  the.  Pacific  Ocean,  from  the  Equator  to  the 
North  Pole  — •  the  Miscegens  of  the  Future." 

The  Book  once  written,  plans  \vere  laid  to  obtain  the 
indorsement  of  the  people  who  were  to  be  humbugged. 
It  Was  not  only  necessary  to  humbug  the  members  of 
the  Reform  and  Progressive  party,  but  to  present  —  as 
I  have  before  said  —  such  serious  arguments  that  Demo 
crats  should  be  led  to  believe  it  as  a  bonafide  revelation 
of  the  u  infernal"  designs  of  their  antagonists.  In 
both  respects  there  was  complete  success.  Although, 
of  course,  the  mass  of  the  Republican  leaders  entirely 
ignored  the  book,  yet  a  considerable  number  of  Anti- 
Slavery  men,  with  more  transcendental  ideas,  were 
decidedly  "  sold."  The  machinery  employed  was  ex 
ceedingly  ingenious.  Before  the  book  was  published, 
proof-copies  were  furnished  to  every  prominent  aboli 
tionist  in  the  country,  and  also  to  prominent  spiritual 


HOAXES.  277 

mediums,  to  ladies  known  to  wear  Bloomers,  and  to  all 
that  portion  of  our  population  who  are  supposed  to  be 
a  little  u  soft  "  on  the  subject  of  reform.  A  circular 
was  nKo  enclosed,  requesting  them,  before  the  publica 
tion  of  the  book,  to  give  the  author  the  benefit  of  their 
opinions  as  to  the  value  of  the  arguments  presented,  and 
the  desirability  of  the  immediate  publication  of  the 
work  ;  to  be  inclosed  to  the  American  News  Company, 
121  Nassau  street,  New  York  —  the  agents  for  the  pub 
lishers.  The  bait  took.  Letters  came  pouring  in  from 
all  sides,  and  among  the  names  of  prominent  persons 
who  gave  their  indorsements  were  Albert  Brisbane, 
Parker  Pillsbury,  Lucretia  Mott,  Sarah  M.  Grimke, 
Angelina  G.  Weld,  Dr.  J.  McCune  Smith,  Win.  Wells 
Brown.  Mr.  Pillsbury  was  quite  excited  over  the  book, 
saving  ;  '-Your  work  has  cheered  and  gladdened  a  winter- 
morning,  which  I  began  in  cloud  and  sorrow.  You  are 
on  the  right  track.  Pursue  it,  and  the  good  God  speed 
you."  Mr.  Theodore  Tilton,  upon  receiving  the  pamph 
let,  wrote  a  note  promising  to  read  it,  and  to  write  the 
author  a  long  and  candid  letter  as  soon  as  he  had  time  ; 
and  saying,  that  the  subject  was  one  to  which  he  had  giv 
en  much  thought.  The  promised  letter,  I  believe,  how 
ever,  was  never  received  ;  probably  because,  on  a  careful 
perusal  of  the  book,  Mr.  Tilton  "  smelt  a  rat."  He 
might  also  have  been  influenced  by  an  ironical  para 
graph  relating  to  himself,  and  arguing  that,  as  he  was 
a  "  pure  specimen  of  the  blonde,"  and  "  when  a  young 
man  was  noted  for  his  angelic  type  of  feature,"  his 
sympathy  for  the  colored  race  was  accounted  for  by  the 
natural  love  of  opposites.  Says  the  author  with  much 
gravity  : 


278  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  The  sympathy  Mr.  Greeley,  Mr.  Phillips  anrl  Mr.  Tilton 
feel  for  the  negro  is  the  love  which  the  blonde  bears  for 
the  black;  it  is  the  love  of  race,  a  sympathy  stronger  to 
them  than  the  love  they  bear  to  woman.  It  is  founded 
upon  natural  law.  We  love  our  opposites.  It  is  the  na 
ture  of  things  that  we  should  do  so,  and  where  Nature 
has  free  course,  men  like  those  we  have  indicated,  wheth 
er  Anti-Slavery  or  Pro-Slavery,  Conservative  or  Radical, 
Democrat  or  Republican,  will  marry  and  be  given  in  mar 
riage  to  the  most  perfect  specimens  of  the  colored  race." 

So  far,  tilings  worked  favorably  ;  and,  having  thus 
bagged  a  goodly  number  of  prominent  reformers,  the 
next  effort  was  to  get  the  ear  of  the  public.  Here,  new 
machinery  was  brought  into  play.  A  statement  was 
published  in  the  "  Philadelphia  Inquirer "  (a  paper 
which,  ever  since  the  war  commenced,  has  been  noto 
rious  for  its  "  sensation  "  news,)  that  a  charming  and 
accomplished  young  mulatto  girl  was  about  to  publish 
a  book  on  the  subject  of  the  blending  of  the  races,  in 
which  she  took  the  affirmative  view.  Of  course,  so 
piquant  a  paragraph  was  immediately  copied  by  almost 
every  paper  in  the  country.  Various  other  stories, 
equally  ingenious  and  equally  groundless,  were  set 
afloat,  and  public  expectation  was  riveted  on  the  forth 
coming  work. 

Some  time  in  February  last,  the  book  was  published. 
Copies,  of  course,  were  sent  to  all  the  leading  journals. 
The  4i  Anglo-African,"  the  organ  of  the  colored  popula 
tion  of  New  York,  warmly,  and  at  great  length,  in 
dorsed  the  doctrine.  The  "  Anti-Slavery  Standard," 
edited  by  Mr.  Oliver  Johnson,  gave  over  a  column  of 
serious  argument  and  endorsement  to  the  work.  Mr. 

O 

Tilton,  of  the  "  Independent,"  was  not  to  be  caught 


HOAXES.  279 

napping.  In  that  journal,  under  date  of  February  25, 
1864,  he  devoted  a  two-column  leader  to  the  subject  of 
Miscegenation  and  the  little  pamphlet  in  question.  Mr. 
Til  ton  was  the  first  to  announce  a  belief  that  the  book 
was  a  hoax.  I  quote  from  his  article : 

"  Remaining  a  while  on  our  table  unread,  our  atten 
tion  was  specially  called  to  it  by  noticing  how  savage 
ly  certain  newspapers  were  abusing  it." 

****** 

"The  authorship  of  the  pamphlet  is  a  well-kept  secret; 
at  least  it  is  unknown  to  us.  Nor,  after  a  somewhat  care 
ful  reading,  are  we  convinced  that  the  writer  is  in  earn 
est.  Our  first  impression  was,  and  remains,  that  the  work 
was  meant  as  a  piece  of  pleasantry  —  a  burlesque  upon 
what  are  popularly  called  the  extreme  and  fanatical  no 
tions  of  certain  radical  men  named  therein.  Certainly, 
the  essay  is  not  such  a  one  as  any  of  these  gentlemen 
would  have  written  on  the  subject,  though  some  of  their 
speeches  are  conspicuously  quoted  and  commended  in  it." 
****** 

"  If  written  in  earnest,  the  work  is  not  thorough  enough 
to  be  satisfactory  ;  if  in  jest,  we  prefer  Sydney  Smith  —  or 
McClellan's  Report.  Still,  to  be  frank,  we  agree  with  a 
large  portion  of  these  pages,  but  disagree  heartily  with 
another  portion." 

****** 

"The  idea  of  scientifically  undertaking  to  intermingle 
existing  populations  according  to  a  predetermined  plan 
for  reconstructing  the  human  race  —  for  flattening  out  its 
present  varieties  into  one  final  unvarious  dead-level  of 
humanity  —  is  so  absurd,  that  we  are  more  than  ever 
convinced  such  a  statement  was  not  written  in  earnest!  " 


Mr.  Tilton,    however,  hints   that   the   colored  race 
is  finally  in  some  degree  to  form  a  component  .part  of 


280  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

the  future  American  ;  and  that,  in  time,  "  the  negro 
of  the  South,  growing  paler  with  every  generation,  will 
at  last  completely  hide  his  face  under  the  snow." 

One  of  the  editorial  writers  for  the  "  Tribune  "  was 
so  impressed  with  the  book  that  he  wrote  an  article  on 
the  subject,  arguing  about  it  with  apparent  seriousness, 
and  in  a  manner  with  some  readers  supposed  to  be  rath 
er  favorable  than  otherwise  to  the  doctrine.  Mr.  Gree- 
ley  and  the  publishers,  it  is  understood,  were  displeased 
at  the  publication  of  the  article.  The  next  morning 
nearly  all  the  city  journals  had  editorial  articles  upon 
the  subject. 

The  next  point  was,  to  get  the  miscegenation  contro 
versy  into  Congress.  The  book,  with  its  indorsements, 
was  brought  to  the  notice  of  Mr.  Cox,  of  Ohio  (com 
monly  called  "  Sunset  Cox  ;  ")  and  he  made  an  earn 
est  speech  on  the  subject.  Mr.  Washburne  replied 
wittily,  reading  and  commenting  on  extracts  from  a 

.'    7  C>  O 

work  by  Cox,  in  which  the  latter  deplored  the  existence 
of  the  prejudice  against  the  Africans.  A  few  days 
after,  Mr.  Kelly,  of  Perisylvania,  replied  very  elaborate 
ly  to  Mr.  Cox,  bringing  all  his  learning  and  historical 
research  to  bear  on  the  topic.  It  was  the  subject  of  a 
deal  of  talk  in  Washington  afterward.  Mr.  Cox  was 

O 

charged  by  some  of  the  more  shrewd  members  of  Con 
gress  with  writino-  it.  It  was  said  that  Mr.  Sumner, 

o  o 

on  reading  it,  immediately  pronounced  it  a  hoax. 

Through  the  influence  of  the  authors,  a  person  visit 
ed  James  Gordon  Bennett,  of  the  u  Herald,"  and  spoke 
to  him  about  "  Miscegenation."  Mr.  Bennett  thought 
the  idea  too  monstrous  and  absurd  to  waste  an  article 
upon. 


HOAXES.  281 

"  But,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  the  Democratic  papers 
are  all  noticing  it." 

u  The  Democratic  editors  are  asses,"  said  Bennett. 

"  Senator  Cox  has  just  made  a  speech  in  Congress  on 
it." 

"  Cox  is  an  ass,"  responded  Bennett. 

"  Greeley  had  an  article  about  it  the  other  day." 

"  Well,  Greeley's  a  donkey." 

"  The  4  Independent '  yesterday  had  a  leader  of  a 
column  and  a  half  about  it." 

"  Well,  Beecherisno  better,"  said  Bennett.  "  They're 
all  asses.  But  what  did  he  say  about  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  he  rather  indorsed  it." 

"Well,  I'll  read  the  article,"  said  Bennett.  "  And 
perhaps  I'll  have  an  article  written  ridiculing  Beecher. 

"  It  will  make  a  very  good  handle  against  the  radi 
cals,"  said  the  other. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know,"  said  Bennett,  "  Let  them 
marry  together,  if  they  want  to,  with  all  my  heart." 

For  some  days,  the  "  Herald  "  said  nothing  about  it, 
but  the  occasion  of  the  departure  of  a  colored  regiment 
from  New  York  City  having  called  forth  a  flattering 
address  to  them  from  the  ladies  of  the  "  Loyal  League," 
the  "  Herald,"  saw  a  chance  to  make  a  point  against 
Mr.  Charles  King  and  others  ;  and  the  next  day  it  con 
tained  a  terrific  article,  introducing  miscegenation  in 
the  most  violent  and  offensive  manner,  and  saying  that 
the  ladies  of  the  "  Loyal  League  "  had  offered  to  marry 
the  colored  soldiers  on  their  return  I  After  that,  the 
",  Herald  "  kept  up  a  regular  fusilade  against  the  sup 
posed  miscegenic  proclivities  of  the  Republicans.  And 


282  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

thus,  after  all,  Bennett  swallowed  the  "  critter  "  horns, 
hoofs,  tail,  and  all. 

The  authors  even  had  the  impudence  to  attempt  to 
entrap  Mr.  Lincoln  into  an  indorsement  of  the  work, 
and  asked  permission  to  dedicate  a  new  work,  on  a  kin 
dred  subject,  "  Melaleukation,"  to  him.  Honest  Old 
Abe  however,  who  can  see  a  joke,  was  not  to  be  taken 
in  so  easily. 

About  the  time  the  book  was  first  published,  Miss 
Anne  E.  Dickinson  happened  to  lecture  in  New  York. 
The  authors  here  exhibited  a  great  degree  of  acuteness 
and  tact,  as  well  as  sublime  impudence,  in  seizing  the 
opportunity  to  have  some  small  hand  bills,  with  the  en 
dorsement  of  the  book,  printed  and  distributed  by  boys 
among  the  audience.  Before  Miss  Dickinson  appeared, 
therefore,  the  audience  were  gravely  reading  the  mis 
cegenation  handbill  ;  and  the  reporters,  noticing  it, 
coupled  the  facts  in  their  reports.  From  this,  it  went 
forth,  and  was  widely  circulated,  that  Miss  Dickinson 
was  the  author  ! 

Dr.  Mackay,  the  correspondent  of  the  "  London 
Times,"  in  New  York,  was  very  decidedly  sold,  and 
hurled  all  manner  of  big  words  against  the  doctrine  in 
his  letters  to  "  The  Thunderer ;  "  and  thus  "  the  lead 
ing  paper  of  Europe  "  was,  for  the  hundredth  time  dur 
ing  the  American  Rebellion,  decidedly  taken  in  and 
done  for. 

The  "  Saturday  Review  " —  perhaps  the  cleverest 
and  certainly  the  sauciest  of  the  English  hebdomadals 
—  also  berated  the  book  and  its  authors  in  the  most 


HOAXES.  283 

pompous  language  at  its  command.  Indeed,  the  "  West 
minster  Review  "  seriously  refers  to  the  arguments  of 
the  book  in  connection  with  Dr.  Broca's  pamphlet  on 
Human  Hybridity,  a  most  profound  work.  "  Miscege 
nation  "  was  republished  in  England  by  Triibner  & 
Co. ;  and  very  extensive  translations  from  it  are  still 
passing  the  rounds  of  the  French  and  German  papers. 

Thus  passes  into  history  one  of  the  most  impudent 
as  well  as  ingenious  literary  hoaxes  of  the  present  day. 
There  is  probably  not  a  newspaper  in  the  country  but 
has  printed  much  about  it ;  and  enough  of  extracts 
might  be  collected  from  various  journals  upon  the  sub 
ject  to  fill  my  whale-tank. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  book  passed  through 
several  editions.  Of  course,  the  mass  of  the  intelligent 
American  people  rejected  the  doctrines  of  the  work, 
and  looked  upon  it  either  as  a  political  dodge,  or  as  the 
ravings  of  some  crazy  man  ;  but  the  authors  have  the 
satisfaction  of  knowing  that  it  achieved  a  notoriety 
which  has  hardly  been  equalled  by  any  mere  pamphlet 
ever  published  in  this  country. 


VII.     GHOSTS  AND  WITCHCRAFTS. 

CHAPTER.  XXXIV. 

HAUNTED     HOUSES. A    NIGHT     SPENT    ALONE     WITH     A 

GHOST. KIRBY,  THE  ACTOR COLT'S  PISTOLS  VERSUS 

HOBGOBLINS. THE  MYSTERY  EXPLAINED. 

A  great  many  persons  believe  more  or  less  in  haunt 
ed  houses.  In  almost  every  community  there  is  some 
building  that  has  had  a  mysterious  history.  This  is 
true  in  all  countries,  and  among  all  races  and  nations. 
Indeed  it  is  to  this  very  fact  that  the  ingenious  author 
of  the  "  Twenty-seventh-street  Ghost  "  may  attribute 
his  success  in  creating  such  an  excitement.  In  fact,  I 
wjll  say,  "  under  the  rose,"  he  predicted  his  hopes  of 
success  entirely  upon  this  weakness  in  human  nature. 
Even  in  "  this  day  and  age  of  the  world  "  there  are 
hundreds  of  deserted  buildings  which  are  looked  upon 
with  awe,  or  terror,  or  superstitious  interest.  They 
have  frightened  their  former  inhabitants  away,  and  left 
the  buildings  in  the  almost  undisputed  possession  of  real 
moles,  bats,  and  owls,  and  imaginary  goblins  and 
sprites. 

In  the  course  of  my  travels  in  both  hemispheres  I 
have  been  amazed  at  the  great  number  of  such  cases 
that  have  come  under  my  personal  observation. 

But  for  the  present,  I  will  give  a  brief  account  of  a 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  285 

haunted  house  in  Yorkshire,  England,  in  which  some 
twenty  years  ago,  Kirby,  the  actor,  who  formerly  play 
ed  at  the  Chatham  Theatre,  passed  a  pretty  strange 
night.  I  met  Mr.  Kirby  in  London  in  1844,  and  I  will 
give,  in  nearly  his  own  language,  a  history  of  his  lone 
night  in  this  haunted  house,  as  he  gave  it  to  me  within  a 
week  after  its  occurrence.  I  will  add,  that  I  saw  no 
reason  to  doubt  Mr.  Kirby's  veracity,  and  he  assured 
me  upon  his  honor  that  the  statement  was  literally  true 
to  the  letter.  Having  myself  been  through  several 
similar  places  in  the  daytime,  I  felt  a  peculiar  interest 
in  the  subject,  and  hence  I  have  a  vivid  recollection  of 
nearly  the  exact  words  in  which  he  related  his  singular 
nocturnal  adventure.  One  thing  is  certain  :  Kirby  was 
not  the  man  to  be  afraid  of  trying  such  an  experiment. 

44  I  had  heard  wonderful  stories  about  this  house," 
said  Mr.  Kirby  to  me,  "  and  I  was  very  glad  to  get  a 
chance  to  enter  it,  although,  I  confess,  the  next  morn 
ing  I  was  about  as  glad  to  get  out  of  it." 

44  It  was  an  old  country-seat  —  a  solid  stone  man 
sion  which  had  long  borne  the  reputation  of  a  haunted 
house.  It  was  watched  only  by  one  man.  He  was  the 
old  gardener, —  an  ancient  servant  of  the  family  that 
once  lived  there,  and  a  person  in  whom  the  family  re 
posed  implicit  confidence. 

"  Having  had  some  inklino-  of  this  wonderful  place, 

c"5  O  J 

and  having  a  few  days  to  spare  before  going  to  London 
to  fulfil  an  engagement  at  the  Surry  Theatre,  I  thought 
I  would  probe  this  haunted-house  story  to  the  bottom. 
I  therefore  called  on  the  old  gardener  who  had  charge 
of  the  place,  and  introduced  myself  as  an  American 


286  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD 

traveller  desirous  of  spending  a  night  with  his  ghosts.  The 
old  man  seemed  to  be  about  seventy-five  or  eighty  years 
of  age.  I  met  him  at  the  gate  of  the  estate,  where  he 
kept  guard.  He  told  me,  when  I  applied,  that  it  was  a 
dangerous  spot  to  enter,  but  I  could  pass  it  if  I  pleased. 
I  should,  however,  have  to  return  by  the  same  door,  if 
I  ever  came  back  again. 

"  Wishing  to  make  sure  of  the  job,  I  gave  him  a  sov 
ereign,  and  asked  him  to  give  me  all  the  privileges  of 
the  establishment;  and  if  his  bill  amounted  to  more, 
I  would  settle  it  when  I  returned.  He  looked  at  me 
with  an  expression  of  doubt  and  apprehension,  as  much 
as  to  say  that  he  neither  understood  what  I  was  going 
to  do  nor  what  was  likely  to  happen.  He  merely  re 
marked  : 

"  '  You  can  go  in.' 

"  '  Will  you  go  with  me,  and  show  me  the  road  ?  ' 

" '  I  will'.' 

"  4  Go  ahead.' 

"  We  entered.  The  gate  closed.  I  suddenly  turned 
on  my  man,  the  old  gardener  and  custodian  of  the 
place,  and  said  to  him  : 

"''Now,  my  patriarchal  friend,  I  am  going  to  sift 
this  humbug  to  the  bottom,  even  if  I  stay  here  forty 
nights  in  succession ;  and  I  am  prepared  to  lay  all 
"  spirits  "  that  present  themselves  ;  but  if  you  will  save 
me  all  trouble  in  the  matter  and  frankly  explain  to  me 
the  whole  affair,  I  will  never  mention  it  to  your  injury, 
and  I  will  present  you  with  ten  golden  sovereigns." 

"  The  old  fellow  looked  astonished  ;  but  he  smirked, 
and  whimpered,  and  trembled,  and  said  : 


GHOSTS   AND   WITCHCRAFTS.  287 

" '  I  am  afraid  to  do  that ;  but  I  will  warn  you 
against  going  too  far.' 

"  When  we  had  crossed  a  courtyard^  he  rang  a  bell, 
and  several  strange  noises  were  distinctly  heard.  I 
was  introduced  to  the  establishment  through  a  well- 
constructed  archway,  which  led  to  a  large  stairway, 
from  which  we  proceeded  to  a  great  door,  which  open 
ed  into  a  very  large  room.  It  was  a  library.  The  old 
custodian  had  carried  a  torch  (and  I  was  prepared 
with  a  box  of  matches.)  He  was  acting  evidently  4  on 
the  square,'  and  I  sat  myself  down  in  the  library, 
where  he  told  me  that  I  should  soon  see  positive  evi 
dence  that  this  was  a  haunted  house. 

44  Not  being  a  very  firm  believer  in  the  doctrine  of 
houses  really  haunted,  I  proposed  to  keep  a  pretty  good 
hold  of  my  match-box,  and  lest  there  should  be  any 
doubt  about  it,  I  had  also  provided  myself  with  two 
sperm  candles,  which  I  kept  in  my  pocket,  so  I  should 
not  be  left  too  suddenly  and  too  long  in  the  dark. 

44  Now  Sir,"  said  he,  "  I  wish  you  to  hold  all  your 
nerves  steady  and  keep  your  courage  up,  because  I  in 
tend  to  stand  by  you  as  well  as  I  can,  but  I  never  come 
into  this  house  alone." 

44  4  Well,  what  is  the  matter  with  the  house  ?  ' 

44 '  Oh  !    everything,  Sir  !  ' 

444  What?' 

44  4  Well,  when  I  was  much  younger  than  I  am  now, 
the  master  of  this  estate  got  frightened  here  by  some 

O  O  J 

mysterious    appearances,   noises,  sounds,  etc.,  and    he 
preferred  to  leave  the  place.' 
44  4  Why  ?  ' 


288  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  '  He  had  a  tradition  from  his  grandfather,  and 
pretty  well  kept  alive  in  the  family,  that  it  was  a 
haunted  house  ;  and  he  let  out  the  estate  to  the  small 
er  farmers  of  the  neighborhood,  and  quit  the  premises, 
and  never  returned  again,  except  one  night,  and  after 
that  one  night  he  left.  We  suppose  he  is  dead.  Now, 
Sir,  if  you  wish  to  spend  the  night  here  as  you  have 
requested,  what  may  happen  to  you  I  don't  know  ;  but 
I  tell  you  it  is  a  haunted  house,  and  I  would  not  sleep 
here  to-night  for  all  the  wealth  of  the  Bank  of  Eng 
land  ! ' 

"  This  did  not  deter  me  in  the  least,  and  having  the 
means  of  self-protection  around  me,  and  plenty  of  luci- 
fer  matches,  etc.,  I  thought  I  would  explore  this  mys 
tery  and  see  whether  a  humbug  which  had  terrified 
the  proprietors  of  that  magnificent  house  in  the  midst 
of  a  magnificent  estate,  for  upward  of  sixty  years,  could 
not  be  explored  and  exploded.  That  it  was  a  humbug, 
I  had  no  doubt ;  that  I  would  find  it  out,  I  was  not  so 
certain. 

"  I  sat  down  in  the  library,  fully  determined  to 
spend  the  night  in  the  establishment.  A  door  was 
opened  into  an  adjoining  room  where  there  was  a  dust- 
covered  lounge,  and  every  thing  promised  as  much 
comfort  as  could  be  expected  under  the  circumstances. 

However,  before  the  old  keeper  of  the  house  left,  I 
asked  him  to  show  me  over  the  building,  and  let  me 
explore  for  myself  the  different  rooms  and  apartments. 
To  all  this  he  readily  consented  ;  and  as  he  had  some 
prospect  before  him  of  making  a  good  job  out  of  it,  he 
displayed  a  great  deal  of  alacrity,  and  moved  along 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  289 

verv  quick  and  smart  for  a  man  apparently  eighty  years 
of  age. 

u  I  went  from  room  to  room  and  story  to  story. 
Everything  seemed  to  be  well  arranged,  but  somewhat 
dusty  and  time-worn.  I  kept  a  pretty  sharp  lookout, 
but  I  could  see  no  sort  of  machinery  for  producing  a 
grand  effect. 

"  We  finally  descended  to  the  library,  when  I  closed 
the  door,  and  bolting  and  locking  it,  took  the  key  and 
put  it  in  my  pocket. 

"  '  Now,  Sir,'  I  said  to  the  keeper,  4  where  is  the 
humbug  ?  ' 

u  4  There  is  no  humbug  here,'  he  answered. 

"  '  Well,  why  don't  you  show  me  some  evidence  of 
the  haunted  house  ?  ' 

"  4  You  wait,'  said  he,  4  till  twelve  o'clock  to-night, 
and  you  will  see  "  haunting  "  enough  for  you.  I  will 
not  stay  till  then.' 

"  He  left ;  I  staid.  Everything  was  quiet  for  some 
time.  Not  a  mouse  was  heard,  not  a  rat  was  visible, 
and  I  thought  I  would  go  to  sleep. 

"  I  lay  down  for  this  purpose,  but  I  soon  heard  cer 
tain  extraordinary  sounds  that  disturbed  my  repose. 
Chains  were  clanked,  noises  were  made,  and  shrieks 
and  groans  were  heard  from  various  parts  of  the  man 
sion.  All  of  these  I  had  expected.  They  did  not 
frighten  me  much.  A  little  while  after,  just  as  I  was 
going  to  sleep  again,  a  curious  string  of  light  burned 
around  the  room.  It  ran  along  on  the  walls  in  a  zigzag 
line,  about  six  feet  high,  entirely  through  the  apartment. 
I  did  not  smell  anything  bituminous  or  like  sulphur. 
13 


290  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

It  flashed  quicker  than  powder,  and  it  did  not  smell 
like  it.  Thinks  I  :  fc  This  looks  pretty  well,  we  will 
have  some  amusement  now.'  Then  the  ]'uno-lin<r  of 

J          &  & 

bells,  and  clanking  of  chains,  and  flashes  of  light  ;  then 
thumpings  and  knockings  of  all  sorts  came  along,  in 
terspersed  with  shrieks  and  groans.  I  sat  very  quiet. 
I  had  two  of  Colt's  best  pistols  in  my  pocket,  and  I 
thought  I  could  shoot  anything  spiritual  or  material 
with  these  machines  made  in  Connecticut.  I  took 
them  out  and  laid  them  on  the  table.  One  of  them  sud 
denly  disappeared  !  I  did  not  like  that,  still  my  nerves 
were  firm,  for  I  knew  it  was  all  gammon.  I  took  the 
other  pistol  in  my  hand  and  surveyed  the  room.  No 
body  was  there;  and,  finally  half  suspicious  that  I  had 
gone  to  sleep  and  had  a  drearn,  I  woke  up  with  a  grasp 
on  my  hand  which  was  holding  the  other  pistol.  This 
soon  made  me  fully  awake. 

"  I  tried  to  recover  my  balance,  and  at  this  moment 
the  candle  went  out.  I  lit  it  with  one  of  my  lucifers. 
No  person  was  visible,  but  the  noises  began  again,  and 
they  were  infernal.  I  then  took  one  of  my  sperm  can 
dles  out,  and  went  to  unlock  the  door.  I  attempted  to 
take  the  key  out  of  my  pocket.  It  was  not  there  ! 
Suddenly  the  door  opened,  I  saw  a  man  or  a  somebody 
about  the  size  of  a  man,  standino-  straight  in  front  of 

o  r? 

me.  I  pointed  one  of  Colt's  revolvers  at  his  head,  for 
I  thought  I  saw  something  human  about  him  ;  and  I 
told  him  that  whether  he  was  ghost  or  spirit,  goblin  or 
robber,  he  had  better  stand  steady,  or  I  would  blow 
his  brains  out,  if  he  had  any.  And  to  make  sure  that 
he  should  not  escape  I  got  hold  of  his  arm,  and  told 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  291 

him  that  if  he  was  a  ghost  he  would  have  a  tolera 
bly  hard  time  of  it,  and  that  if  he  was  a  humbug  I 
would  let  him  off  if  he  would  tell  me  the  whole  story 
about  the. trick. 

"  He  saw  that  he  was  caught,  and  he  earnestly  beg 
ged  me  not  to  fire  that' American  pistol  at  him.  I  did 
not  ;  but  I  did  not  let  go  of  him.  I  brought  him  into 
the  library,  and  with  pistol  in  hand  I  put  him  through 
a  pretty  close  examination.  He  was  clad  in  mailed 
armor,  with  breastplate  and  helmet,  and  a  great  sword, 
in  the  style  of  the  Crusaders.  He  promised,  on  condi 
tion  of  saving  his  life,  to  give  me  an  honest  account  of 
the  facts. 

'•  In  substance  they  were,  that  he,  an  old  family- 
servant,  and  ultimately  a  gardener  in  charge  of  the 
place,  had  been  employed  by  an  enemy  of  the  gentle 
man  who  owned  the  property,  to  render  it  so  uncom 
fortable  that  the  estate  should  be  sold  for  much  less 
than  its  value ;  and  that  he  had  got  an  ingenious  ma 
chinist  and  chemist  to  assist  him  in  arranging  such  con 
trivances  as  would  make  the  house  so  intolerable  that 
they  could  not  live  there.  A  galvanic  battery  with 
wires  were  provided,  and  every  device  of  chemistry  and 
mechanism  was  resorted  to  in  order  to  effect  this  pur 
pose. 

"  One  by  one,  the  family  left ;  and  they  had  remain 
ed  away  for  nearly  two  generations  under  the  terror  of 
such  forms,  and  appearances,  and  sights  and  sounds,  as 
frightened  them  almost  to  death.  And  futherrnore,  the 
old  gardener  added,  that  he  expected  his  own  grand 
daughter  would  become  the  lady  of  that  house,  when 


292  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

the  property  should  have  been  neglected  so  long  and  the 
place  became  so  fearful  that  no  one  in  the  neighborhood 
would  undertake  to  purchase  it,  or  to  even  pass  one  mo 
ment  after  dark  in  exploring  its  horrible  mysteries. 

"  He  begged  on  his  knees  that  I  would  spare  him 
with  his  gray  hairs,  since  he  had*  so  short  a  time  to  live. 
He  declared  that  he  had  been  actuated  by  no  other  mo 
tive  than  pride  and  ambition  for  his  child. 

"  I  told  the  poor  old  fellow  that  his  secret  should  be 
safe  with  me,  and  should  not  be  made  public  so  long 
as  he  lived.  The  old  man  grasped  mv  hand  easier!  v  and 

o  I  «-  O  « 

expressed  his  gratitude  in  the  strongest  terms.  Thus, 
Mr.  Barnum,  I  have  given  you  the  pure  and  honest  facts 
in  regard  to  my  adventure  in  a  so  called  haunted  house. 
Don't  make  it  public  until  you  are  convinced  that  the 
old  gardener  has  shuffled  off  this  mortal  coil." 

So  much  for  Kirby's  story  of  the  haunted  house. 
No  doubt,  the  old  gardener  has  before  this  become  in 
reality  a  disembodied  spirit,  but  that  his  grand-daughter 
became  legally  possessed  of  the  estate  is  not  at  all  prob 
able.  Real  estate  does  not  change  hands  so  easily  in 
England.  So  powerful,  however  is  the  superstitious 
belief  in  haunted  houses,  that  it  is  doubtful  whether  that 
property  will  for  many  years  sustain  half  so  great  a  cash 
value  in  the  market  as  it  would  have  done  had  it  not 
been  considered  a  "  haunted  house." 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that,  as  schools  multiply  and  educa 
tion  increases,  the  follies  and  superstitions  which  under 
lie  a  belief  in  ghosts  and  hobgoblins  will  pass  away. 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  293 


CHAPTER    XXXV. 

HAUNTED    HOUSES. GHOSTS. GHOULS. PHANTOMS. 

VAMPIRES.  CONJURORS. DIVINING. GOBLINS. 

FORTUNE-TELLING. MAGIC. WITCHES. SORCE 
RY.—  OBI. DREAMS. SIGNS. SPIRITUAL  MEDIUMS. 

FALSE  PROPHETS. DEMONOLOGY. DEVILTRY  GEN 
ERALLY. 

Whether  superstition  is  the  father  of  humbug,  or 
humbug  the  mother  of  superstition  (as  well  as  its 
nurse,)  I  do  not  pretend  to  say  ;  for  the  biggest  fools 
and  the  greatest  philosophers  can  be  numbered  among 
the  believers  in  and  victims  of  the  worst  humbugs  that 
ever  prevailed  on  the  earth. 

As  we  grow  up  from  childhood  and  begin  to  think 
we  are  free  from  all  superstitions,  absurdities,  follies,  a 
belief  in  dreams,  signs,  omens,  and  other  similar  stuff, 
we  afterward  learn  that  experience  does  not  cure  the 
complaint.  Doubtless  much  depends  upon  our  "  bring 
ing  up."  If  children  are  permitted  to  feast  their  ears 
night  after  night  (as  I  was)  with  stories  of  ghosts,  hob 
goblins,  ghouls,  witches,  apparitions,  bugaboos,  it  is 
more  difficult  in  after-life  for  them  to  rid  their  minds  of 
impressions  thus  made. 

But  whatever  may  have  been  our  early  education.  I 
am  convinced  that  there  is  an  inherent  love  of  the  mar 
velous  in  every  breast,  and  that  everybody  is  more  or 
less  superstitious  ;  and  every  superstition  I  denominate 


294  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

a  humbug,  for  it  lays  the  human  mind  open  to  any 
amount  of  belief,  in  any  amount  of  deception  that  may 
be  practised. 

One  object  of  these  chapters  consists  in  showing  how 
open  everybody  is  to  deception,  that  nearly  everybody 
"  hankers  "  after  it,  that  solid  and  solemn  realities  arc 
frequently  set  aside  for  silly  impositions  and  delusions, 
and  that  people,  as  a  too  general  thing,  like  to  be  led 
into  the  region  of  mystery.  As  Hudibras  lias  it : 


**  Doubtless  the  pleasure  is  as  great 
Of  being  cheated  as  to  ch^al, 
As  lookers-on  feel  most  delight 
That  least  perceive  a  juggler's  sleight; 
And  still  the  less  they  understand, 
The  more  they  admire  his  sleight  of  hand." 


The  amount  or  strength  of  man's  brains  have  little  to 
do  with  the  amount  of  their  superstitions.  The  most 
learned  and  the  greatest  men  have  been  the  deepest  be 
lievers  in  ingeniously-contrived  machines  for  running 
human  reason  off  the  track.  If  any  expositions  I  can 
make  on  this  subject  will  serve  to  put  people  on  their 
guard  against  impositions  of  all  sorts,  as  well  as  foolish 
superstitions,  I  shall  feel  a  pleasure  in  reflecting  that  I 
have  not  written  in  vain.  The  heading  of  this  chapter 
enumerates  the  principal  kinds  of  supernatural  hum 
bugs.  These,  it  must  be  remembered,  are  quite  differ 
ent  from  religious  impostures. 

It  is  astonishing  to  reflect  how  ancient  is  the  date  of 
this  class  of  superstitions  (as  well  as  of  most  others,  in 
fact,)  and  how  universally  they  have  prevailed.  Near 
ly  thirty-six  hundred  years  ago,  it  was  thought  a  matter 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  295 

of  course  that  Joseph,  the  Hebrew  Prime  Minister  of 
Pharaoh,  should  have  a  silver  cup  that  he  commonly 
used  to  do  his  divining  with  :  so  that  the  practice  must 
already  have  been  an  established  one. 

In  Homer's  time,  about  twenty-eight  hundred  years 
ago,  ghosts  were  believed  to  appear.  The  Witch  of 
Endor  pretended  to  raise  the  ghost  of  Samuel,  at  about 
the  same  time. 

To-day,  here  in  the  City  of  New  York,  dream  books 
are  sold  by  the  edition  ;  a  dozen  fortune-tellers  regular 
ly  advertise  in  the  papers  ;  a  haunted  house  can  gather 
excited  crowds  for  weeks ;  abundance  of  people  are 
uneasy  if  they  spill  salt,  dislike  to  see  the  new  moon 
over  the  wrong  shoulder,  and  are  delighted  if  they  can 
find  an  old  horse-shoe  to  nail  to  their  door-post. 

I  have  already  told  about  one  or  two  haunted  houses, 
but  must  devote  part  of  this  chapter  to  that  division  of 
the  subject.  There  are  hundreds  of  such  —  that  is,  of 
those  reputed  to  be  such  ;  and  have  been  for  hundreds 
of  years.  In  almost  every  city,  and  in  many  towns 
and  country  places,  they  are  to  be  found.  I  know  of 
one,  for  instance,  in  New  Jersey,  one  or  two  in  New 
York,  and  have  heard  of  several  in  Connecticut.  There 
are  great  numbers  in  Europe  ;  for  as  white  men  have 
lived  there  so  much  longer  than  in  America,  ghosts 
naturally  accumulated.  In  this  country  there  are 
houses  and  places  haunted  by  ghosts  of  Hessians,  and 
Yankee  ghosts,  not  to  mention  the  headless  Dutch 
phantom  of  Tarrytown,  that  turned  out  to  be  Brom 
Bones  ;  but  who  ever  heard  of  the  ghost  of  an  Indian  ? 
And  as  for  the  ghost  of  a  black  man,  evidently  it  would 


296  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

have  to  appear  by  daylight.  You  couldn't  see  it  in  the 
dark  ! 

I  have  no  room  to  even  enumerate  the  cases  of 
haunted  houses.  One  in  Aix-la-Chapelle,  a  fine  large 
house,  stood  empty  five  years  on  account  of  the  knock- 
ings  in  it,  until  it  was  sold  for  almost  nothing,  and  the 
new  owner  (lucky  man  !)  discovered  that  the  ghost  was 
a  draft  through  a  broken  window  that  banned  a  loose 

O  <> 

door.  An  English  gentleman  once  died,  and  his  heir, 
in  a  day  or  two,  heard  of  mysterious  knockings  which 
the  frightened  servants  attributed  to  the  defunct.  He, 
however,  investigated  a  little,  and  found  that  a  rat  in 
an  old  store  room,  was  trying  to  get  out  of  an  old- 
fashioned  box  trap,  and  being  able  to  lift  the  door  only 
partly,  it  dropped  again,  constituting  the  ghost.  Better 
pleased  to  find  the  rat  than  his  father,  the  young  man 
exterminated  rat  and  phantom  together. 

A  very  ancient  and  impressive  specimen  of  a  haunted 
house  was  the  palace  of  Vauvert,  belonging  to  King 
Louis  IX,  of  France,  who  was  so  pious  that  he  was 
called  Saint  Louis.  This  fine  building  was  so  situated 
as  to  become  very  desirable,  in  the  year  1259,  to  some 
monks.  So  there  was  forthwith  horrid  shriekings  at 
night-times,  red  and  green  lights  shone  through  the 
windows,  and,  finally,  a  large  green  ghost,  with  a  white 
beard  and  a  serpent's  tail,  came  every  midnight  to  a 
front  window,  and  shook  his  fist,  and  howled  at  those 
who  passed  by.  Everybody  was  frightened  —  King 
Louis,  good  simple  soul !  as  well  as  the  rest.  Then  the 
bold  monks  appearing  at  the  nick  of  time,  intimated 
that  if  the  King  would  give  them  the  palace,  they 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  297 

would  do  up  the  ghost  in  short  order.  He  did  it,  and 
was  very  thankful  to  them  besides.  They  moved  in, 
and  sure  enough,  the  ghost  appeared  no  more.  Why 
should  he  ? 

The  o-hosts  of  Woodstock  are  well    known.       How 

o 

they  tormented  the  Puritan  Commissioners  who  came 
thither  in  1649,  to  break  up  the  place,  and  dispose  of  it 
for  the  benefit  of  the  Commonwealth  !  The  poor  Puri 
tans  had  a  horrid  time.  A  disembodied  dog  growled 
under  their  bed,  and  bit  the  bed-clothes  ;  something  in 
visible  walked  all  about ;  the  chairs  and  tables  danced  ; 
something  threw  the  dishes  about  (like  the  Davenport 
"  spirits  ;"  )  put  logs  for  the  pillows  ;  flung  brickbats  up 
and  down,  without  regard  to  heads  ;  smashed  the  win 
dows  ;  threw  pebbles  in  at  the  frightened  commission 
ers  ;  stuck  a  lot  of  pewter  platters  into  their  beds  ;  ran 
away  with  their  breeches  ;  threw  dirty  water  over  them 
in  bed  ;  banged  them  over  the  head  —  until,  after  sev 
eral  weeks,  the  poor  fellows  gave  it  up,  and  ran  away 
back  to  London.  Many  years  afterward,  it  came  out 
that  all  this  was  done  by  their  clerk,  who  was"  secretly 
a  royalist,  though  they  thought  him  a  furious  Puritan, 
and  who  knew  all  the  numerous  secret  passages  and  con 
trivances  in  the  old  palace.  Most  people  have  read 
Sir  Walter  Scott's  capital  novel  of  "Woodstock," 
founded  on  this  very  story. 

The  well  known  "  Demon  of  Tedworth,"  that  drum 
med,  and  scratched,  and  pounded,  and  threw  things 
about,  in  1681,  in  Mr.  Mompesson's  house  turned  out 
to  be  a  gipsy  drummer  and  confederates. 

The  still  more  famous  "  Ghost  in  Cock  Lane,"  in 
13* 


298  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

London  in  1762,  consisted  of  a  Mrs.  Parsons  and  her 
daughter,  a  little  girl,  trained  by  Mr.  Parsons  to  knock 
and  scratch  very  much  after  the  fashion  of  the  alpha 
bet  talking  of  the  "spirits"  of  to-day.  Parsons  got 
up  the  whole  affair,  to  revenge  himself  on  a  Mr.  Kent. 
The  ghost  pretended  to  be  that  of  a  deceased  sister-in- 
law  of  Kent,  and  to  have  been  poisoned  by  him.  But 
Parsons  and  his  assistants  were  found  out,  and  had  to 
smart  for  their  fun,  being  heavily  fined,  imprison 
ed,  etc. 

A  very  able  ghost  indeed,  a  Methodist  ghost  —  the 
spectral  property,  consequently,  of  my  good  friends  the 
Methodists  — used  to  rattle,  and  clatter,  and  bang,  and 
communicate,  in  the  house  of  the  Rev.  Mr.  Wesley,  the 
father  of  John  Wesley,  at  Epworth,  in  England.  This 
ghost  was  very  troublesome,  and  utterly  useless.  In 
fact,  none  of  the  ghosts  that  haunt  houses  are  of  the 
leas-t  possible  use.  They  plague  people,  but  do  no  good. 
They  act  like  the  spirits  of  departed  monkeys. 

I  must  add  two  or  three  short  anecdotes  about  ghosts, 
got  up  in  the  devil-manner.  They  are  not  new,  but  il 
lustrate  very  handsomely  the  state  of  mind  in  which  a 
ghost  should  be  met.  One  is,  that  somebody  undertook 
to  scare  Cuvier,  the  great  naturalist,  with  a  ghost  hav- 
in  an  ox's  head.  Cuvier  woke,  and  found  the  fearful 
thing  glaring  and  grinning  at  his  bedside. 

"  What  do  you  want?  " 

"  To  devour  you  !  "  growled  the  ghost. 

"  Devour  me?  "  quoth  the  great  Frenchman  — "  Hoofs, 
horns,  graminivorous  !  You  can't  do  it  —  clear  out !  " 

And   he  did  clear  out. 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  299 

A   pious  maiden  lady,  in  one  of  our  New-England 

villages,  was  known  to  possess  three  peculiarities.  First, 
she  was  a  very  religious,  honest,  matter-of-fact  woman. 
Second,  she  supposed  everybody  else  was  equally  honest  ; 
hence  she  was  very  credulous,  always  believing  every 
thing  she  heard.  And  third,  having  "  a  conscience 
void  of  offense,"  she  saw  no  reason  to  be  afraid  of  any 
thing  ;  consequently,  she  feared  nothing. 

On  a  dark  night,  some  boys,  knowing  that  she  would 
be  returning  home  alone  from  prayer-meeting,  through 
an  unfrequented  street,  determined  to  test  two  of  her 
peculiarities,  viz.,  her  credulity  and  her  courage.  One 
of  the  boys  was  sewed  up  in  a  huge  shaggy  bear-skin, 
and  as  the  old  lady's  feet  were  heard  pattering  down  the 
street,  he  threw  himself  directly  in  her  path  and  com 
menced  making  a  terrible  noise. 

"  Mercy  !  "    exclaimed    the    old    lady.      "  Who    are 

O    *  } 

you  f 

"  I  am  the  devil !  "  was  the  reply. 

Weil,  you  are  a  poor  creature  !  "  responded  the  an 
tiquated  virgin,  as  she  stepped  aside  and  passed  by  the 
strange  animal,  probably  not  for  a  moment  doubting  it 
was  his  Satanic  Majesty,  but  certainly  not  dreaming  of 
being  afraid  of  him. 

It  is  said  that  a  Yankee  tin  peddler,  who  had  fre 
quently  cheated  most  of  the  people  in  the  vicinity  of  a 
New  England  village  through  which  he  was  passing, 
was  induced  by  some  of  the  acute  ones  to  join  them  in 
a  drinking  bout.  He  finally  became  stone  drunk  ;  and 
in  that  condition  these  wags  carried  him  to  a  dark  rocky 
cave  near  the  village,  then,  dressing  themselves  in  raw- 


300  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD; 

head-and-bloody-bones'  style,  awaited  liis  return  to  con 
sciousness. 

As  he  began  rousing  himself,  they  lighted  some  huge 
torches,  and  also  set  fire  to  some  bundles  of  straw,  and 
three  or  four  rolls  of  brimstone,  which  they  had  placed 
in  different  parts  of  the  cavern.  The  peddler  rubbed 
his  eyes,  and  seeing  and  smelling  all  these  evidences  of 
pandemonium,  concluded  he  had  died,  and  was  now 
partaking  of  his  final  doom.  But  lie  took  it  very  phi 
losophically,  for  he  complacently  remarked  to  himself. 

"  In  hell  — just  as  I  expected  !  " 

A  story  is  told  of  a  cool  old  sea  captain,  with  a  vira 
go  of  a  wife,  who  met  one  of  these  artificial  devils  in  a 
lonely  place.  As  the  ghost  obstructed  his  path,  the  old 
fellow  remarked  : 

"  If  you  are  not  the  devil,  get  out !  If  you  are,  come 
along  with  me  and  get  supper.  I  married  your  sister  ! 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

MAGICAL     HUMBUGS. —  VIRGIL. A    PICKLED     SORCERER. 

CORNELIUS  AGRIPPA. HIS  STUDENTS  AND  HIS  BLACK 

DOG.  DOCTOR  FAUSTUS.  HUMBUGGING  HORSE- 
JOCKEYS. ZIITO  AND  HIS  LARGE  SWALLOW. —  SALA 
MANCA. DEVIL  TAKE  THE  HINDMOST. 

Magic,  sorcery,  witchcraft,  enchantment,  necromancy, 
conjuring,  incantation,  soothsaying,  divining,  the  black 
art,  are  all  one  and  the  same  humbug.  They  show 
how  prone  men  are  to  believe  in  some  supernatural  power, 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  301 

in  some  beings  wiser  and  stronger  than  themselves, 
but  at  the  same  time  how  they  stop  short,  and  find  sat 
isfaction  in  some  debasing  humbug,  instead  of  looking 
above  and  beyond  it  all  to  God,  the  only  being  that  it  is 
really  worth  while  for  man  to  look  up  to  or  beseech. 

Magic  and  witchcraft  are  believed  in  by  the  vast  ma 
jority  of  mankind,  and  by  immense  numbers  even  in 
Christian  countries.  They  have  always  been  believed 
in,  so  far  as  I  know.  In  following  up  the  thread  of 
history,  we  always  find  conjuring  or  witch  work  of 
some  kind,  just  as  long  as  the  narrative  has  space 
enough  to  include  it.  Already,  in  the  early  dawn  of 
time,  the  business  was  a  recognized  and  long  established 
one.  And  its  history  is  as  unbroken  from  that  day 
down  to  this,  as  the  history  of  the  race. 

In  the  narrow  space  at  my  command  at  present,  I 
shall  only  gather  as  many  of  the  more  interesting  sto 
ries  about  these  humbugs,  as  I  can  make  room  for. 
Reasoning  about  the  subject,  or  full  details  of  it,  are  at 
present  out  of  the  question.  A  whole  library  of  books 
exists  about  it. 

It  is  a  curious  fact  that  throughout  the  middle  ages, 
the  Roman  poet  Virgil  was  commonly  believed  to  have, 
been  a  great  magician.  Traditions  were  recorded  by 
monastic  chroniclers  about  him,  that  he  made  a  brass 
fly  and  mounted  it  over  one  of  the  gates  of  Naples, 
having  instilled  into  this  metallic  insect  such  potent 
magical  qualities  that  as  long  as  it  kept  guard  over  the 
gate,  no  musquitos,  or  flies,  or  cockroach,  or  other  trou 
blesome  insects  could  exist  in  the  citv.  What  would 
have  become  of  the  celebrated  Bug  Powder  man  in 


302  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD 

those  clays  ?  The  story  is  told  about  Virgil  as  well  as 
about  Albertus  Magnus,  Roger  Bacon,  and  other  magi 
cians,  that  he  made  a  brazen  head  which  could  prophe 
sy.  He  also  made  some  statues  of  the  gods  of  the  va 
rious  nations  subject  to  Rome,  so  enchanted  that  if  one 
of  those  nations  was  preparing  to  rebel,  the  statue  of 
its  god  rung  a  bell  and  pointed  a  finger  toward  the  na 
tion.  The  same  set  of  stories  tells  how  poor  Virgil 
came  to  an  untimely  end  in  consequence  of  trying  to 
live  forever.  He  had  become  an  old  man,  it  appears, 
and  wishing  to  be  young  again,  he  used  some  appropri 
ate  incantations,  and  prepared  a  secret  cavern.  In  this 
he  caused  a  confidential  disciple  to  cut  him  up  like  a 
hog  and  pack  him  away  in  a  barrel  of  pickle,  out  of 
which  he  was  to  emerge  in  his  new  mao-ic  youth  after  a 

O  £">          J 

certain  time.  But  by  that  special  bad  luck  which  seems 
to  attend  such  cases,  some  malapropos  traveller  some 
how  made  his  way  into  the  cavern,  where  he  found  the 
magic  pork-barrel  standing  silently  all  alone  in  the 
middle  of  the  place,  and  an  ever-burning  lamp  illumin 
ating  the  room,  and  slowly  distilling  a  magic  oil  upon 
the  salted  sorcerer  who  was  cookino-  below.  The  trav- 

Z3 

eller  rudely  jarred  the  barrel,  the  light  went  out,  as  the 
torches  flared  upon  it  ;  and  suddenly  there  appeared  to 
the  eyes  of  the  astounded  man,  close  at  one  side  of  the 
barrel,  a  little  naked  child,  which  ran  thrice  around  the 
barrel,  uttering  deep  curses  upon  him  who  had  thus  de 
stroyed  the  charm,  and  ranished.  The  frightened  trav 
eller  made  off  as  fast  as  he  could,  and  poor  old  Virgil, 
for  what  I  know,  is  in  pickle  yet. 

Cornelius   Agrippa    was  one  of  the  most  celebrated 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  303 

magicians  of  the  middle  ages.  He  lived  from  the  year 
1486  (six  years  before  the  discovery  of  America)  until 
1534.  and  was  a  native  of  Cologne,  Agrippa  is  said  to 
have  had  a  ma^ic  <ilass  in  which  he  showed  to  his  custom- 

!""•>          o 

ers  such  dead  or  absent  persons  as  they  might  wish  to  see. 
Thus  he  would  call  up  the  beautiful  Helen  of  Troy,  or 
Cicero  in  the  midst  of  an  oration  ;  or  to  a  pining  lover, 
the  figure  of  his  absent  lady,  as  she  was  employed  at  the 
moment  —  a  dangerous  exhibition!  For  who  knows, 
whether  the  consolation  sought  by  the  fair  one,  will  al 
ways  be  such  as  her  lover  will  approve  ?  Agrippa, 
they  say,  had  an  attendant  devil  in  the  form  of  a  huge 
black  dog,  whom  on  his  death-bed  the  magician  dismis 
sed  with  curses.  The  dog  ran  away,  plunged  into  the 
river  Saone  and  was  seen  no  more.  We  are  of  course 
to  suppose  that  his  Satanic  Majesty  got  possession  of  the 
conjuror's  soul  however,  as  per  agreement.  There  is 
a  story  about  Agrippa,  which  shows  conclusively  how 
u  a  little  learning"  may  be  "a  dangerous  thing." 
When  Agrippa  was  absent  on  a  short  journey,  his  stu 
dent  iu  magic  slipped  into  the  study  and  began  to  read 
spells  out  of  a  great  book.  After  a  little  there  was  a 
knock  at  the  door,  but  the  young  man  paid  no  attention 
to  it.  In  another  moment  there  was  another  louder  one, 
which  startled  him,  but  still  he  read  on.  In  a  moment 
the  door  opened,  and  in  came  a  fine  large  devil  who  an 
grily  asked,  "  What  do  you  call  me  for  ?  The  fright 
ened  youth  answered  very  much  like  those  naughty 
boys  who  say  u  I  didn't  do  nothing  !  "  But  it  will  not 
do  to  fool  with  devils.  The  angry  demon  caught 
him  by  the  throat  and  strangled  him.  Shortly,  when 


304  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Agrippa  returned,  lo  and  behold,  a  strong  squad  of 
evil  spirits  were  kicking  up  their  heels  and  playing  tag 
all  over  the  house,  and  crowding  his  study  particularly 
full.  Like  a  school  master  among  mischievous  boys,  the 
great  enchanter  sent  all  the  little  fellows  home,  cate 
chised  the  big  one,  and  finding  the  situation  unpleasant, 
made  him  reanimate  the  corpse  of  the  student  and  walk 
it  about  town  all  the  afternoon.  The  malignant  demon 
however,  was  free  at  sunset,  and  let  the  corpse  drop 
dead  in  the  middle  of  the  market  place.  The  people 
recognized  it,  found  the  claw-marks  and  traces  of  stran 
gling,  suspected  the  fact,  and  Agrippa  had  to  abscond 
very  suddenly. 

Another  student  of  Agrippa's  came  very  near  an 
equally  bad  end.  The  magician  was  in  the  habit  of 
enchanting  a  broomstick  into  a  servant  to  do  his  house 
work,  and  when  it  \vas  done,  turning  it  back  to 
a  broomstick  again  and  putting  it  behind  the  door. 
This  young  student  had  overheard  the  charm  which 
made  the  servant,  and  one  day  in  his  master's  absence, 
wanting  a  pail  of  water  he  said  over  the  incantation 
and  told  the  servant  "  Bring  some  water."  The  evil 
spirit  promptly  obeyed  ;  flew  to  the  river,  brought  a 
pail  ml  and  emptied  it,  instantly  brought  a  second, 
instantly  a  third;  and  the  student,  startled,  cried  out, 
"  that's  enough  !  "  But  this  was  not  the  "  return  charm," 
and  the  ill  tempered  demon,  rejoicing  in  doing  mischief 
within  the  letter  of  his  obligation,  now  flew  backward 
and  forward  like  lightning,  so  that  he  even  began  to 
flood  the  room  about  the  rash  student's  feet.  Desper 
ate,  he  seized  an  axe  and  hewed  this  diabolical  serving- 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  305 

man  in  two.  Two  serving-men  jumped  up,  with  two 
water-pails,  grinning  in  devilish  glee,  and  both  went 
to  work  harder  than  ever.  The  poor  student  gave  him 
self  op  for  lost,  when  luckily  the  master  came  home, 
dismissed  the  over-officious  water  carrier  with  a  word, 
and  saved  the  student's  life. 

How  thoroughly  false  all  these  absurd  fictions  are, 
and  yet  how  ingeniously  based  on  some  fact,  appears 
by  the  case  of  Agrippa's  black  dog.  Wierus,  a  writer 
of  good  authority,  and  a  personal  friend  of  Agrippa's, 
reports  that  he  knew  very  well  all  about  the  dog;  that 
it  was  not  a  superhuman  dog  at  all,  but  (if  the  term  be 
amissable)  a  mere  human  dog — an  animal  whioh  he, 
Wierus,  had  often  led  about  by  a  string,  and  only  a 
domestic  pet  of  Agrippa. 

Another  eminent  magician  of  those  days  was  Doctor 
Faustus,  about  whom  Goethe  wrote  "  Faust,"  Bailey 
wrote  "  Festus,"  and  whose  story,  mingled  of  human 
love  and  of  the  devilish  tricks  of  Mephistopheles,  is 
known  so  very  widely.  The  truth  about  Faust  seems 
to  be,  that  he  was  simply  a  successful  juggler  of  the 
sixteenth  century.  Yet  the  wonderful  stories  about 
him  were  very  implicitly  and  extensively  believed.  It 
was  the  time  of  the  Protestant  Reformation,  and  even 
Melanchthon  and  Luther  seem  to  have  entirely  believed 
that  Faustus  could  make  the  forms  of  the  dead  appear, 
could  carry  people  invisibly  through  the  air,  and  play  all 
the  legendary  tricks  of  the  enchanters.  So  strong  a  hold 
does  humbug  often  obtain  even  upon  the  noblest  and 
clearest  and  wisest  minds  ! 

Faustus,   according  to   the   traditions,   had  a  pretty 


306  ,  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

keen  eye  for  a  joke.  He  once  sold  a  splendid  horse  to 
a  horse-jockey  at  a  fair.  The  fellow  shortly  rode  his 

*J  «'  J 

fine  horse  to  water.  When  he  got  into  the  water,  lo  and 
behold,  the  horse  vanished,  and  the  humbugged  jockey 
found  himself  sitting  up  to  his  neck  in  the  river  on  a 
straw  saddle.  There  is  something  quite  satisfactory  in 
the  idea  of  playing  such  a  trick  on  one  of  that  sharp 
generation,  and  Faust  felt  so  comfortable  over  it  that  he 
entered  his  hotel  and  went  quietly  to  sleep  —  or  pre 
tended  to.  Shortly  in  came  the  angry  jockey ;  he 
shouted  and  bawled,  but  could  not  awaken  the  doctor, 
and  in  his  anger  he  seized  his  foot  and  gave  it  a  good 
pull.  Foot  and  leg  came  off  in  his  hand.  Faustus 
screamed  out  as  if  in  horrible  agony,  and  the  terrified 
jockey  ran  away  as  fast  as  he  could,  and  never  trou 
bled  his  very  loose-jointed  customer  for  the  money. 

A  magician  named  Ziito,  resident  at  the  court  of 
Wenceslaus  of  Bohemia  (A.  D.  1368  to  1419,)  ap 
pears  to  great  advantage  in  the  annals  of  these  hum 
bugs.  He  was  a  homely,  crooked  creature,  with  an  im 
mense  mouth.  He  had  a  collision  once  in  public  on  a 
question  of  skill  with  a  brother  conjuror,  and  becoming 
a  little  excited,  opened  his  big  mouth  and  swallowed 
the  other  magician,  all  to  his  shoes,  which  as  lie  ob 
served  were  dirty.  Then  he  stepped  into  a  closet,  got 
his  rival  out  of  him  somehow,  and  calmly  led  him  back 
to  the  company.  A  story  is  told  about  Ziito  and  some 
hogs,  just  like  that  about  Faust  and  the  horse. 

In  all  these  stories  about  magicians,  their  power  is 
derived  from  the  devil.  It  was  long  believed  that  the 
ancient  university  of  Salamanca  in  Spain,  founded 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  307 

A.  D.  1240,  was  the  chief  school  of  magic,  and  had 
regular  professors  and  classes  in  it.  The  devil  was  sup 
posed  to  be  the  special  patron  of  this  department,  and 
he  had  a  curious  fee  for  his  trouble,  which  he  collected 
every  commencement  day.  The  last  exercise  of  the  grad 
uating  class  on  that  day  was,  to  run  across  a  certain 
cavern  under  the  University.  The  devil  was  always 
on  hand  at  this  time,  and  had  the  privilege  of  grab 
bing  at  the  last  man  of  the  crowd.  If  he  caught  him, 
as  he  commonly  did,  the  soul  of  the  unhappy  student 
became  the  property  of  his  captor.  Hence  arose  the 
phrase  "  Devil  take  the  hindmost."  Sometime  it  hap 
pened  that  some  very  brisk  fellowr  was  left  last  by  some 
accident.  If  he  were  brisk  enough  to  dodge  the  devil's 
grab,  that  personage  only  caught  his  shadow.  In  this 
case  it  was  well  understood  that  this  particular  enchant 
er  never  had  any  shadow  afterwards,  and  he  always  be 
came  very  eminent  in  his  art. 


CHAPTER.    XXX. 

WITCHCRAFT.  NEW       YORK      WITCHES.  THE     WITCH 

MANIA. HOW  FAST  THEY  BURNED  THEM. THE    MODE 

OF    TRIAL. WITCHES  TO  DAY  IN  EUROPE. 

Witchcraft  is  one  of  the  most  baseless,  absurd,  dis 
gusting  and  silly  of  all  the  humbugs.  And  it  is  not  a 
dead  humbug  either ;  it  is  alive,  busily  exercised  by 
knaves  and  believed  by  fools  all  over  the  world. 
Witches  and  wizards  operate  and  prosper  among  the 


308  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

Hottentots  and  negroes  and  barbarous  Indians,  among 
the  Siberians  and  Kirgishes  and  Lapps,  of  course. 
Everybody  knows  that  —  they  are  poor  ignorant  crea 
tures  !  Yes  :  but  are  the  French  and  Germans  and  Eng 
lish  and  Americans  poor  ignorant  creatures  too  ?  They 
are,  if  the  belief  and  practice  of  witchcraft  among  them 
is  any  test ;  for  in  all  those  countries  there  are  witches. 
I  take  up  one  of  the  New  York  City  dailies  of  this 
very  morning,  and  find  in  it  the  advertisements  of  seven 
Witches.  In  1858,  there  were  in  full  blast  in  New 
York  and  Brooklyn  sixteen  witches  and  two  wizards. 
One  of  these  wizards  was  a  black  man  ;  a  very  proper 
style  of  person  to  deal  with  the  black  art. 

Witch  means,  a  woman  who  practices  sorcery  under 
an  agreement  with  the  devil,  who  helps  her.  Before 
the  Christian  era,  the  Jewish  witch  was  a  mere  diviner 
or  at  most  a  raiser  of  the  dead,  and  the  Gentile  witch 
was  a  poisoner,  a  maker  of  philtres  or  love  potions, 
and  a  vulgar  sort  of  magician.  The  devil  part  of  the 
business  did  not  begin  until  a  good  while  after  Christ. 
During  the  last  century  or  so,  again,  while  witchcraft 
has  been  extensively  believed  in,  the  witch  has  degen 
erated  into  a  very  vulgar  and  poverty  stricken  sort  of 
conjuring  woman.  Take  our  New  York  city  witches, 
for  instance.  They  live  in  "cheap  and  dirty  streets  that 
smell  bad  ;  their  houses  are  in  the  same  style,  infected 
with  a  strong  odor  of  cabbage,  onions,  washing-day, 
old  dinners,  and  other  merely  sublunary  smells.  Their 
room's  are  very  ill  furnished,  and  often  beset  with  wash- 
tubs,  swill-pails,  mops  and  soiled  clothes  ;  their  personal 
appearance  is  commonly  unclean,  homely,  vulgar, 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  309 

coarse,  and  ignorant,  and  often  rummy.  Their  fee  is  a 
quarter  or  half  of  a  dollar.  Sometimes  a  dollar.  Their 
divination  is  worked  by  cutting  and  dealing  cards  or 
studying  the  palm  of  your  hand.  And  the  things  which 
they  tell  you  are  the  most  silly  and  shallow  babble  in 
the  world  ;  a  mess  of  phrasps  worn  out  over  and  over 
again.  Here  is  a  specimen,  as  gabbled  to  the  customer 
over  a  pack  of  cards  laid  out  on  the  table;  anybody 
can  do  the  like  :  "  You  face  a  misfortune.  I  think  it 
will  come  upon  you  within  three  wreeks,  but  it  may  not. 
A  dark  complexioned  man  faces  your  life-card.  He  is 
plotting  against  you,  and  you  must  beware  of  him. 
Your  marriage-card  faces  two  young  women,  one  fair 
and  the  other  dark.  One  you  will  have,  and  the  other 
you  will  not.  I  think  you  will  have  the  fair  one.  She 
favors  the  dark  complexioned  man,  which  means  trouble. 
You  face  money,  but  you  must  earn  it.  There  is  a 
good  deal,  but  you  may  not  get  much  of  it "  etc.,  etc. 
These  words  are  exactly  the  sort  of  stuff  that  is  sold  by 
the  witches  of  to-day.  But  the  greatest  witch  humbug 
of  all  the  witchcraft  of  history,  is  that  of  Christendom 
for  about  three  hundred  years,  beo-innino-  about  the  time 

»/  <"" 5  O 

of  the  discovery  of  America.  To  that  period  belonged 
the  Salem  witchcraft  of  New  England,  the  witch- 
"finding  of  Matthew  Hopkins  in  Old  England,  the 
Scotch  witch  trials,  and  the  Swedish  and  German  and 
French  witch  mania. 

The  peculiar  traits  of  the  witchcraft  of  this  period 
are  among  the  most  mysterious  of  all  humbugs.  The 
most  usual  points  in  a  case  of  witchcraft  were,  that  the 
witch  had  sold  herself  to  the  devil  for  all  eternity,  in 


310  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

order  to  get  the  power  during  a  few  years  of  earthly 
life,  to  inflict  a  few  pains  on  the  persons  of  those  she 
disliked,  or  to  cause  them  to  lose  part  of  their  property. 
This  was  almost  always  the  whole  story,  except  the 
mere  details  of  the  witch  baptism  and  witch  sabbath, 
parodies  on  the  ceremonies,  of  the  Christian  religion. 
And  the  mystery  is,  how  anybody  could  believe  that  to 
accomplish  such  very  small  results,  seldom  equal  even 
to  the  death  of  an  enemy,  one  would  agree  to  accept 
eternal  damnation  in  the  next  world,  almost  certain 
poverty,  misery,  persecution  and  "torment  in  this,  be 
sides  having  for  an  amusement  performances  more  dirty, 
obscene  and  vulgar  than  I  can  even  hint  at. 

But  such  a  belief  was  universal,  and  hundreds  of  the 
witches  themselves  confessed  as  much  as  I  have  de 
scribed,  and  more,  with  numerous  details,  and  they  were 
burnt  alive  for  their  trouble.  The  extent  of  wholesale 
murdering  perpetrated  under  forms  of  law,  on  charges 
of  witchcraft,  is  astonishing.  A  magistrate  named 
Remigius,  published  a  book  in  which  he  told  how  much 
he  thought  of  himself  for  having  condemned  and  burned 
nine  hundred  witches  in  sixteen  years,  in  Lorraine. 
And  the  one  thing  that  he  blamed  himself  for  was  this : 
that  out  of  regard  for  the  wishes  of  a  colleague,  he 
had  only  caused  certain  children  to  be  whipped  naked 
three  times  round  the  market  place  where  their  parents 
had  been  burned,  instead  of  burning  them.  At  Bam- 
berg,  six  hundred  persons  were  burned  in  five  years, 
at  Wurzburg  nine  hundred  in  two  years.  Sprenger, 
a  German  inquisitor-general,  and  author  of  a  celebrat 
ed  book  on  detecting  and  punishing  witchcraft,  called 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  311 

Malleus  Maleficarum,  or  "  The  Mallet  of  Malefactors," 
burned  more  than  five  hundred  in  one  year.  In  Gene 
va,  five  hundred  persons  were  burned  during  1515  and 
1516.  In  the  district  of  Como  in  Italy,  a  thousand 
persons  were  burned  as  witches  in  the  single  year  1524, 
besides  over  a  hundred  a  year  for  several  years  after 
wards.  Seventeen  thousand  persons  were  executed  for 
witchcraft  in  Scotland  during  thirty-nine  years,  ending 
with  1603.  Forty  thousand  were  executed  in  England 
from  lb'00  to  1680.  Bodinus,  another  of  the  witch  kill- 
in  or  iudffes,  oravelv  announced  that  there  were  undoubt- 

^  J  C>       . '   c5  • 

edly  not  less  than  three  hundred  thousand  witches  in 
France. 

The  way  in1  which  the  witch  murderers  reasoned,  and 
their  modes  of  conducting  trials  and  procuring  confess 
ions,  were  truly  infernal.  The  chief  rule  was  that 
witchcraft  being  an  "  exceptional  crime,"  no  regard 
need  be  had  to  the  ordinary  forms  of  justice.  All 
manner  of  tortures  were  freely  applied  to  force  confess 
ions.  In  Scotland  "  the  boot  "  was'  used,  being  an  iron 
case  in  which  the  legs  are  locked  up  to  the  knees,  and 
an  iron  wedge  then  driven  in  until  sometimes  the  bones 
were  crushed  and  the  marrow  spouted  out.  Pin  stick 
ing,  drowning,  starving,  the  rack,  were  too  common 
to  need  details.  Sometimes  the  prisoner  was  hung  up 
by  the  thumbs,  and  whipped  by  one  person,  while 
another  held  lighted  candles  to  the  feet  and  other  parts 
of  the  body.  At  Arras,  while  the  prisoners  were  being 
torn  on  the  rack,  the  executioner  stood  by,  sword  in 
hand,  promising  to  cut  off  at  once  the  heads  of  those 
who  did  not  confess.  At  Offenburg,  when  the  prison- 


312  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

ers  had  been  tortured  until  beyond  the  power  of  speak 
ing  aloud,  they  silently  assented  to  abominable  confess 
ions  read  to  them  out  of  a  book.  Many  were  cheated 
into  confession  by  the  promise  of  pardon  and  release 
and  then  burned.  A  poor  woman  in  Germany  was 
tricked  by  the  hangman,  who  dressed  himself  up.  as  a 
devil  and  went  into  her  cell.  Overpowered  by  pain, 
fear  and  superstition,  she  begged  him  to  help  her  out  ; 
her  beseeching  was  taken  for  confession,  she  was  Tburned, 
and  a  ballad  which  treated  the  trick  as  a  jolly  and  com 
ical  device,  was  long  popular  in  the  country.  Several 
of  the  judges  in  witch  cases  tell  us  how  victims,  utterly 
weary  of  their  tormented  lives,  confessed  whatever  was 
required,  merely  as  the  shortest  way  to  death,  and  an 
escape  out  of  their  misery.  All  who  dared  to  argue 
against  the  current  of  popular  and  judicial  delusion 
were  instantly  refuted  very  effectively  by  being  attack 
ed  for  witchcraft  themselves  ;  and  once  accused,  there 
was  little  hope  of  escape.  The  Jesuit  Delrio,  in  a  book 
published  in  1599,  states  the  witch  killers'  side  of  the 
discussion  very  neatly  indeed  ;  for  in  one  and  the  same 
chapter  he  defies  any  opponents  to  disprove  the  exist 
ence  of  witchcraft,  and  then  shows  that  a  denial  of 
witchcraft  is  the  worst  of  all  heresies,  and  must  be  pun 
ished  with  death.  Quite  a  number  of  excellent  and 
sensible  people  were  actually  burnt  on  just  this  princi 
ple. 

I  do  not  undertake  to  give  details  of  any  witch 
trials  ;  this  sketch  of  the  way  in  which  they  operated 
is  all  I  can  make  room  for,  and  sufficiently  delineates 
this  cruel  and  bloody  humbug. 


GHOSTS    AND   WITCHCRAFTS.  313 

I  have  already  referred  to  the  fact  that  we  have  right 
here  among  us  in  this  city  a  very  fair  supply  of  a  vul 
gar,  dowdy  kind  of  witchcraft.  Other  countries  are 
favored  in  like  manner.  I  have  not  just  now  the  most 
recent  information,  but  in  the  year  1857  and  1858,  for 
instance,  mobbing  and  prosecutions  growing  out  of  a 
popular  belief  in  witchcraft  were  quite  plentiful  enough 
in  various  parts  of  Europe.  No  less  than  eight  cases 
of  the  kind  in  England  alone  were  reported  during 
those  two  years.  Among  them  was  the  actual  murder 
of  a  woman  as  a  witch  by  a  mob  in  Shropshire  ;  and  an 
attack  by  another  mob  in  Essex,  upon  a  perfectly  inof 
fensive  person,  on  suspicion  of  having  "  bewitched  "  a 
scolding  ill-conditioned  girl,  from  which  attack  the  mob 
was  diverted  with  much  difficulty,  and  thinking  itself 
very  unjustly  treated.  Some  others  of  those  cases  show 
a  singular  quantity  of  credulity  among  people  of  re 
spectability. 

While  therefore  some  of  us  may  perhaps  be  justly 
thankful  for  safety  from  such  horrible  follies  as  these, 
still  we  can  not  properly  feel  very  proud  of  the  pro 
gress  of  humanity,  since  after  not  less  than  six  thou 
sand  years  of  existence  and  eighteen  hundred  of  reve 
lation,  so  many  believers  in  witchcraft  still  exist  among 
the  most  civilized  nations. 
14 


314  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER  XXX VIII. 
CHARMS       AND       INCANTATIONS. HOW       CATO       CURED 

SPRAINS. THE    SECRET    NAME   OF   GOD.  SECRET 

NAMES    OF    CITIES. ABRACADABRA.  CURES    FOR 

CRAMP. — MR.  WRIGHT'S  SIGIL. — WHISKERIFUSTICUS.— 
WITCHES'   HORSES. —  THEIR  CURSES. —  HOW  TO  RAISE 

THE    DEVIL. 

It  is  worth  while  to  print  in  plain  English  for  my 
readers  a  good  selection  of  the  very  words  which  have 
been  believed,  or  are  still  believed,  to  possess  magic 
power.  Then  any  who  choose,  may  operate  by  them 
selves  or  may  put  some  bold  friend  up  in  a  corner,  and 
blaze  away  at  him  or  her  until  they  are  wholly  satisfied 
about  the  power  of  magic. 

The  Roman  Cato,  so  famous  for  his  grumness  and  vir 
tue,  believed  that  if  he  were  ill,  it  would  much  help  him, 
and  that  it  would  cure  sprains  in  others,  to  say  over 
these  words  :  "  Daries,  dardaries,  astaris,  ista,  pista,  sis- 
ta,"  or,  as  another  account  has  it,  "  inotas,  daries, 
dardaries,  astaries ;  "  or,  as  still  another  account  says, 
"  Huat,  huat,  huat ;  ista,  pista,  sista  ;  domiabo,  dam- 
naustra."  And  sure  enough,  nothing  is  truer,  as  any 
physician  will  tell  you,  that  if  the  old  censor  only  be 
lieved  hard  enough,  it  would  almost  certainly  help  him  ; 
not  by  the  force  of  the  words,  but  by  the  force  of  his 
own  ancient  Roman  imagination.  Here  are  some 
Greek  words  of  no  less  virtue  :  "  Aski,  Kataski,  Te- 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  315 

trax"  When  the  Greek  priests  let  out  of  their  doors 
those  who  had  been  completely  initiated  in  the  Eleusi- 
nian  mysteries,  they  said  to  them  last  of  all  the  awful 
and  powerful  words,  "  Konx,  ompax"  If  you  want  to 
know  what  the  usual  result  was,  just  say  them  to  some 
body,  and  you  will  see,  instantly.  The  ancient  Hebrews 
believed  that  there  was  a  secret  name  of  God,  usually 
thought  to  be  inexpressible,  and  only  to  be  represent 
ed  by  a  mystic  figure  kept  in  the  Temple,  and  that  if 
any  one  could  learn  it,  and  repeat  it,  he  could  rule 
the  intelligent  and  unintelligent  creation  at  his  will.  It 
is  supposed  by  some,  that  Jehovah  is  the  word  which 
stands  for  this  secret  name ;  and  some  Hebraists  think 
that  the  word  "  Yah veh  "  is  much  more  nearly  the 
right  one.  The  Mohammedans,  who  have  received  many 
notions  from  the  Jews,  believe  the  same  story  about  the 
secret  name  of  God,  and  they  think  it  was  engraved  on 
Solomon's  signet,  as  all  readers  of  the  Arabian  Nights 
will  very  well  remember.  The  Jews  believed  that  if 
you  pronounced  the  word  "  Satan  "  any  evil  spirit  that 
happened  to  be  by  could  in  consequence  instantly  pop 
into  you  if  he  wished,  and  possess  you,  as  the  devils  in 
the  New  Testament  possessed  people. 

Some  ancient  cities  had  a  secret  name,  and  it  was  be 
lieved  that  if  their  enemies  could  find  this  out,  they 
could  conjure  with  it  so  as  to  destroy  such  cities.  Thus, 
the  secret  name  of  Rome  was  Yalentia,  and  the  word 
was  very  carefully  kept,  with  the  intention  that  none 
should  know  it  except  one  or  two  of  the  chief  pontiffs. 
Mr.  Borrow,  in  one  of  his  books,  tells  about  a  charm 
which  a  gipsy  woman  knew,  and  which  she  used  to  re- 


316  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

peat  to  herself  as  a  means  of  obtaining  supernatural  aid 
when  she  happened  to  want  it.  This  was,  "  Saboca 
enrecar  maria  ereria."  He  induced  her  after  much 
effort  to  repeat  the  words  to  him,  but  she  always  wished 
she  had  not,  with  an  evident  conviction  that  some  harm 
would  result.  He  explained  to  her  that  they  consisted 
of  a  very  simple  phrase,  but  it  made  no  difference. 

An  ancient  physician  named  Serenus  Sammonicus, 
used  to  be  quite  sure  of  curing  fevers,  by  means  of 
what  he  called  Abracadabra,  which  was  a  sort  of  inscrip 
tion  to  be  written  on  something  and  worn  on  the  pa 
tient's  person.  It  was  as  follows  : 

ABRACADABRA 

BRACADABR 

R A  C  AD  AB 

A  C  AD  A 

CAD 

A. 

Another  gentleman  of  the  same  school  used  to  cure 
sore  eyes  by  hanging  round  the  patient's  neck  an  in 
scription  made  up  of  only  two  letters,  A  and  Z  ;  but 
how  he  mixed  them  we  unfortunately  do  not  know. 

By  the  way,  many  of  the  German  peasantry  in  the 
more  ignorant  districts  still  believe  that  to  write  Abra- 

o 

cadabra  on  a  slip  of  paper  and  keep  it  with  you,  will 
protect  you  from  wounds,  and  that  if  your  house  is  on 
fire,  to  throw  this  strip  into  it  will  put  the  fire  out. 

Many  charms  or  incantations  call  on  God,  Christ  or 
some  saints,  just  as  the  heathen  ones  call  on  a  spirit. 
Here  is  one  for  epilepsy  that  seems  to  appeal  to  both 


GHOSTS   AND   WITCHCRAFTS.  317 

religions,  as  if  with  a  queer  proviso  against  any  possi 
ble  mistake  about  either.  Taking  the  epileptic  by  the 
hand,  you  whisper  in  his  ear  u  I  adjure  thee-by  the  sun 
and  the  moon  and  the  gospel  of  to-day,  that  thou  arise 
and  no  more  fall  to  the  ground  ;  in  the  name  of  the 
Father,  Son  and  Holy  Ghost. 

A  charm  for  the  cramp  found  in  vogue  in  some  rustic 
regions  is  this  : 

"  The  devil  is  tying  a  knot  in  my  leg, 
Mark,  Luke  and  John,  unloose  it,  I  beg, 
Crosses  three  we  make  to  ease  us  — 
Two  for  the  thieves,  and  one  for  Christ  Jesus." 

Here  is  another,  often  used  in  Ireland,  which  in  the 
same  spirit  of  superstition  and  ignorant  irreverence 
uses  the  name  of  the  Savior  for  a  slight  human  occa 
sion.  It  is  to  cure  the  toothache,  and  requires  the  re 
peating  of  the  following  string  of  words : 

"  St.  Peter  sitting  on  a  marble  stone,  our  Savior 
passing  by,  asked  him  what  was  the  matter.  '  Oh  Lord, 
a  toothache  !  '  Stand  up,  Peter,  and  follow  me ; 
and  whoever  keeps  these  words  in  memory  of  me,  shall 
never  be  troubled  with  a  toothache,  Amen." 

The  English  astrologer  Lilly,  after  the  death  of  his 
wife,  formerly  a  Mrs.  Wright,  found  in  a  scarlet  bag 
which  she  wore  under  her  arm  a  pure  gold  "  sigil  "  or 
round  plate  worth  about  ten  dollars  in  gold,  which  the 
former  husband  of  the  defunct  had  used  to  exorcise  a 
spirit  that  plagued  him.  In  case  any  of  my  readers  can 
afford  bullion  enough,  and  would  like  to  drive  away 
any  such  visitor,  letthem  get  such  a  plate  and  have  en 
graved  round  the  edge  of  one  side,  "  Vicit  Leo  de  tri- 


318  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

bus  Judae  tetragrammaton  -]-."  Inside  this  engrave 
a  "  holy  lamb."  Round  the  edge  of  the  other  side  en 
grave  "  Arinaphel "  and  three  crosses,  thus  :  -[ \~  -J-  ; 

and  in  the  middle,  "  Sanctus  Petrus  Alpha  et  Omega." 

The  witches  have  always  had  incantations,  which 
they  have  used  to  make  a  broom-stick  into  a  horse,  to 
kill  or  to  sicken  animals  and  persons,  etc.  Most 
of  these  are  sufficiently  stupid,  and  not  half  so  wonder 
ful  as  one  I  know,  which  may  be  found  in  a  certain 
mysterious  volume  called  "  The  Girl's  Own  Book," 
and  which,  as  I  can  depose,  has  often  power  to  tickle 
children.  It  is  this  : 

"  Bandy-legged  Borachio  Mustachio  Whiskerifusticus, 
the  bald  and  brave  Bombardino  of  Bagdad,  helped 
Abomilique  Bluebeard  Bashaw  of  Babel mandel  beat 
down  an  abominable  bumblebee  at  Balsora." 

But  to  the  other  witches.  Their  charms  were  repeated 
sometimes  in  their  own  language  and  sometimes  in  gib 
berish.  When  the  Scotch  witches  wanted  to  fly  away  to 
their  "  Witches'  Sabbath,"  they  straddled  a  broom-handle, 
a  corn  stalk,  a  straw,  or  a  rush,  and  cried  out  "  Horse  and 
hattock,  in  the  Devil's  name  !  "  and  immediately  away 
they  flew,  "  forty  times  as  high  as  the  moon,"  if  they 
wished.  Some  English  witches  in  Somersetshire  used 
instead  to  say,  "  Thout,  tout,  throughout  and  about ;" 
and  when  they  wished  to  return  from  their  meeting  they 
said  "  Rentum,  tormentum  !  "  If  this  form  of  the  charm 
does  not  manufacture  a  horse,  not  even  a  saw-horse, 
then  I  recommend  another  version  of  it,  thus  : 

*'  Horse  and  pattock,  horse  and  go  ! 
Horse  and  pellats,  ho,  ho,  ho  ! 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  319 

German  witches  said  (in  Higli  Dutch  :) 

"  Up  and  away  ! 
Hi  !  Up  aloft,  and  nowhere  stay  !  " 

Scotch  witches  had  modes  of  working  destruction  to 
the  persons  or  property  of  those  to  whom  they  meant 
evil,  which  were  strikingly  like  the  negro  obeah  or 
mandinga.  One  of  these  was,  to  make  a  hash  of  the 
flesh  of  an  unbaptised  child,  with  that  of  dogs  and  sheep, 
and  to  put  this  goodly  dish  in  the  house  of  the  victim, 
reciting  the  following  rhyme  : 

"  We  put  this  untill  this  hame 
In  our  Lord  the  Devil's  name  ; 
The  first  hands  that  handle  thee, 
Burned  and  scalded  may  they  be  ! 
We  will  destroy  houses  and  hald, 
With  the  sheep  and  nolt  (i.  e.  cattle)  into  the  fauld; 
And  little  shall  come  to  the  fore  (i.  e.  remain,) 
Of  all  the  rest  of  the  little  store." 

Another,  used  to  destroy  the  sons  of  a  certain  gentle 
man  named  Gordon  was,  to  make  images  for  the  boys, 
of  clay  and  paste,  and  put  them  in  a  fire,  saying  : 

*'  We  put  this  water  among  this  meal 
For  long  pining  and  ill  heal, 
We  put  it  into  the  fire 

To  burn  them  up  stook  and  stour  (i.  e.  stack  and  band.) 
That  they  be  burned  with  our  will, 
Like  any  stikkle  (stubble)  in  a  kiln." 

In  case  any  lady  reader  finds  herself  changed  into  a 
hare,  let  her  remember  how  the  witch  Isobel  Gowdie 
changed  herself  from  hare  back  to  woman.  It  was  by 
repeating  : 

"  Hare,  hare,  God  send  thee  care  ! 
I  am  in  a  hare's  likeness  now  ; 
But  I  shall  be  woman  even  now  — 
Hare,  hare,  God  send  thee  care  !  " 


320  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

About  the  year  1600  there  was  both  hanged  and 
burned  at  Amsterdam  a  poor  demented  Dutch  girl,  who 
alleged  that  she  could  make  cattle  sterile,  and  bewitch 
pigs  and  poultry  by  saying  to  them  i;  Turius  und  Shur- 
ius  Inturius."  I  recommend  to  say  this  first  to  an  old 
hen,  and  if  found  useful  it  might  then  be  tried  on  a  pig. 

Not  far  from  the  same  time  a  woman  was  executed 
as  a  witch  at  Bamberg,  having,  as  was  often, the  case, 
been  forced  by  torture  to  make  a  confession.  She  said 
that  the  devil  had  given  her  power  to  send  diseases 
upon  those  she  hated,  by  saying  complimentary  things 
about  them,  as  "What  a  strong  man  !  "  "  what  a  beau 
tiful  woman  !  "  "  what  a  sweet  child  !  "  It  is  my  own 
impression  that  this  species  of  cursing  may  safely  be 
tried  where  it  does  not  include  a  falsehood. 

Here  are  two  charms  which  the  German  witches 
used  to  repeat  to  raise  the  devil  with  in  the  form  of  a 
he  goat : 

"Lalle,  Bachea,  Magotte,  Baphia,  Dajam, 
Vagoth  Heneche  Ammi  Nagaz,  Adomator 
Raphael  Immanuel  Christus,  Tetragrammaton 
Agra  Jod  Loi.     Konig  !  Kouig  !  " 

The  two  last  words  to  be  screamed  out  quickly. 
This  second  one,  it  must  be  remembered,  is  to  be  read 
backward  except  the  two  last  words.  It  was  supposed 
to  be  the  strongest  of  all,  and  was  used  if  the  first  one 
failed ; 

"  Anion,  Lalle,  Sabolos.  Sado,  Poter,  Aziel, 
Adonai  Sado  Vagoth  Agra,  Jod, 
liaphra  !  Komm  !  Koinm  !  " 

In  case  the  devil  staid  too  long,  he  could  be  made  to 
take  himself  off  by  addressing  to  him  the  following 
statement,  repeated  backward : 


GHOSTS    AND    WITCHCRAFTS.  321 

"  Zellitmelle  Heotti  Bonus  Vagotha 
Plisos  sother  osech  unions  Beelzebub 
Dax  !  Komm  !  Komm  !  " 

"Which  would  evidently  make  almost  anybody  go 
away. 

A  German  charm  to  improve  one's  finances  was  per 
haps  no  worse  than  gambling  in  gold.  It  ran  thus  : 

"  As  God  be  welcomed,  gentle  moon  — 
Make  thou  my  money  more  and  soon  !  " 

To  get  rid  of  a  fever  in  the  German  manner,  go  and 
tie  up  a  bough  of  a  tree,  saying,  "  Twig,  I  bind  thee ; 
fever,  now  leave  me  !  "  To  give  your  ague  to  a  willow 
tree,  tie  three  knots  in  a  branch  of  it  early  in  the 
morning,  and  say,  "  Good  morning,  old  one  !  I  give 
thee  the  cold  ;  good  morning,  old  one  !  "  and  turn  and 
run  away  as  fast  as  you  can  without  lookino-  back. 

•/  *'  O 

Enough  of  this  nonsense.  It  is  pure  mummery. 
Yet  it  is  worth  while  to  know  exactly  what  the  means 
were  which  in  ancient  times  were  relied  on  for  such 
purposes,  and  it  is  not  useless  to  put  this  matter  on 
record  ;  for  just  such  formulas  are  believed  in  now  by 
many  people.  Even  in  this  city  there  are  "  witches  " 
who  humbug  the  more  foolish  part  of  the  community 
out  of  their  money  by  means  just  as  foolish  as  these. 
14* 


VIII.  ADVENTURERS. 

CHAPTER    XXXIX. 
THE    PRINCESS  CARIBOO  ;    OR,  THE  QUEEN.  OF   THE  ISLES. 

Bristol  was,  in  1812,  the  second  commercial  city  of 
Great  Britain,  having  in  particular  an  extensive  East 
India  trade.  Among  its  inhabitants  were  merchants, 
reckoned  remarkably  shrewd,  and  many  of  them  very 
wealthy  ;  and  quite  a  number  of  aristocratic  families, 
who  were  looked  up  to  with  the  abject  toad-eating  kind 
of  civility  that  follows  "  the  nobility."  On  the  whole, 
Bristol  was  a  very  fashionable,  rich,  cultivated,  and  in 
telligent  place  —  considering. 

One  fine  evening  in  the  winter  of  1812-13,  the 
White  Lion  hotel,  a  leading  inn  at  Bristol,  was  thrown  in 
to  a  wonderful  flutter  by  the  announcement  that  a  very 
beautiful  and  fabulously  wealthy  lady,  the  Princess  Car 
iboo,  had  just  arrived  by  ship  from  an  oriental  port.  Her 
agent,  a  swarthy  and  wizzened  little  Asiatic,  who  spoke 
imperfect  English,  gave  this  information,  and  ordered 
the  most  sumptuous  suite  of  rooms  in  the  house.  Of 
course,  there  was  great  activity  in  all  manner  of  prepar 
ations  ;  and  the  mysterious  character  of  this  lovely  but 
high-born  stranger  caused  a  wonderful  flutter  of  excite 
ment,  which  grew  and  grew  until  the  fair  stranger  at 
length  deigned  to  arrive.  She  carne  at  about  ten 


ADVENTURERS.  828 

o'clock,  in  great  state,  and  with  two  or  three  coaches 
packed  with  servants  and  luggage  —  the  former  of  sin 
gularly  dingy  complexion  and  fantastic  vestments,  and  the 
latter  of  the  most  curious  forms  and  material  imaginable. 

O 

The  eager  anticipations  of  hosts  and  guests  alike  were 
not  only  fully  justified  but  even  exceeded  by  the  rare 
beauty  of  the  unknown,  the  oriental  style  and  magnifi 
cence  of  her  attire  and  that  of  her  attendants,  and  the 
enormous  bulk  of  her  baggage  —  a  circumstance  that 
has  no  less  weight  at  an  English  inn  than  any  where 
else.  The  stranger,  too,  was  most  liberal  with  her  fees 
to  the  servants,  which  were  always  in  gold. 

It  was  quickly  discovered  that  her  ladyship  spoke  not 
one  word  of  English,  and  even  her  agent  —  a  dark,  wild, 
queer  little  fellow,  —  got  along  with  it  but  indifferently, 
preferring  all  his  requests  in  very  "  broken  China  "  in 
deed.  The  landlord  thought  it  a  splendid  opportunity 
to  create  a  long  bill,  and  got  up  rooms  and  a  dinner 
in  flaring  style,  with  wax  candles,  a  mob  of  waiters, 
ringing  of  bells,  and  immense  ceremony.  But  the  lady, 
like  a  real  princess,  while  well  enough  pleased  and  very 
gracious,  took  all  this  as  a  matter  of  course,  and  prefer 
red  her  own  cook,  a  flat-faced,  pug-nosed,  yellow- 
breeched  and  almond-eyed  Oriental,  with  a  pigtail 
dangling  from  his  scalp,  which  was  shaved  clean,  ex 
cepting  at  the  back  of  the  head.  This  gentleman  ran 
about  in  the  kitchen-yard  with  queer  little  brass  uten 
sils,  wherein  he  concocted  sundry  diabolical  preparations 
—  as  they  seemed  to  the  English  servants  to  be, —  of 
herbs,  rice,  curry  powder,  etc.,  etc.,  for  the  repast  of  his 
mistress.  For  the  next  three  or  four  days,  the  White  Lion 


324  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

was  in  a  state  bordering  upon  frenz}T,  at  the  singular 
deportment  of  the  "  Princess  "  and  her  numerous  at 
tendants.  The  former  arrayed  herself  in  the  most 
astonishing  combinations  of  apparel  that  had  ever  been 
seen  by  the  good  gossips  of  Bristol,  and  the  latter  in 
dulged  in  gymnastic  antics  and  vocal  chantings  that 
almost  deafened  the  neighborhood.  There  was  a  pecu 
liar  nasal  balla4  in  which  they  were  fond  of  indulging, 
that  commenced  about  midnight  and  kept  up  until  well 
nigh  morning,  that  drove  the  neighbors  almost  beside 
themselves.  It  sounded  like  a  concert  by  a  committee 
of  infuriated  cats,  and  wound  up  with  protracted  whin 
ing  notes,  commencing  in  a  whimper,  and  then  with  a 
sudden  jerk,  bursting  into  a  loud,  monotonous  howl. 
Yet,  withal,  these  attendants,  who  slept  on  mats,  in  the 
rooms  adjacent  to  that  of  their  mistress,  and  fed  upon 
the  preparations  of  her  own  cuisine,  were,  in  the  main, 
very  civil  and  inoffensive,  and  seemed  to  look  upon  the 
Princess  with  the  utmost  awe.  .  The  "  agent,"  or 
"  secretary,"  or  "  prime-minister,  or  whatever  he 
might  be  called,  was  very  mysterious  as  to  the  objects, 
purposes,  history,  and  antecedents  of  her  Highness,  and 
the  quidnuncs  were  in  despair  until,  one  morning,  the 
"  Bristol  Mirror,"  then  a  leading  paper,  came  out  with  a 
flaring  announcement,  expressing  the  pleasure  it  felt  in 
acquainting  the  public  with  the  fact,  that  a  very  emi 
nent  and  interesting  foreign  personage  had  arrived  from 
her  home  in  the  remotest  East  to  proffer  His  Majesty, 
George  III,  the  unobstructed  commerce  and  friendship 
of  her  realm,  which  was  as  remarkable  for  its  untold 
wealth  as  for  its  marvelous  beauty.  The  lady  was  de- 


ADVENTURERS.  325 

scribed  as  a  befitting  representative  of  the  loveliness 
and  opulence  of  this  new  Golconda  and  Ophir  in  one, 
since  her  matchless  wealth  and  munificence  were  ap 
proached  only  by  her  ravishing  personal  charms.  The 
other  papers  took  up  the  topic,  and  were  even  more  ex 
travagant.  "  Felix  Farley's  Journal"  gave  a  long  nar 
rative  of  her  wanderings  and  extraordinary  adventures 
in  the  uttermost  East,  as  gleaned,  of  course,  from  her 
garrulous  agent.  The  island  of  her  chief  residence 
was  described  as  being  of  vast  extent  and  fertility, 
immensely  rich  and  populous,  and  possessing  many  rare 
and  beautiful  arts  unknown  to  the  nations  of  Europe. 
The  princess  had  become  desperately  enamored  of  a 
certain  young  Englishman  of  high  rank,  who  had  been 
shipwrecked  on  her  coast,  but  had  afterward  escaped, 
and  as  she  learned,  safely  reached  a  port  in  China,  and 
thence  departed  for  Europe.  The  Princess  had  here 
upon  set  out  upon  her  journeyings  over  the  world  in 
search  of  him.  In  order  to  facilitate  her  enterprise, 
and  softened  by  the  deep  affection  she  felt  for  the  son 
of  Albion,  she  had  determined  to  break  through  the 
usages  of  her  country,  and  form  an  alliance  with  that  of 
her  beloved. 

Such  were  the  statements  everywhere  put  in  circula 
tion  ;  and  when  the  Longbows  of  the  place  got  full  hold 
of  it,  Gulliver,  Peter  Wilkins,  and  Sinbad  the  Sailor 
were  completely  eclipsed.  Diamonds  as  big  as  hen's 
eggs,  and  pearls  the  size  of  hazelnuts,  were  said  to  be 
the  commonest  buttons  and  ornaments  the  Princess 
wore,  and  her  silks  and  shawls  were  set  beyond  all 
price. 


326 


HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


The  announcement  of  this  romantic  and  mysterious 
history,  this  boundless  wealth,  this  interesting  mission 
from  majesty  to  majesty  in  person  and  the  reality  which 
every  one  could  see  of  so  much  grace  and  beauty,  sup 
plied  all  that  was  wanting  to  set  the  upper-tendom  of 
the  place  in  a  blaze.  It  was  hardly  etiquette  for  a  roy 
al  visitor  to  receive  much  company  before  having  been 
presented  at  Court;  but  as  this  princely  lady  came  from 
a  point  so  far  outside  of  the  pale  of  Christendom,  and  all 
its  formalities,  it  was  deemed  not  out  of  place,  to  show 
her  befitting  attentions ;  and  the  ice  once  broken,  there 
was  no  arresting  the  flood.  The  aristocracy  of  Bristol 
vied  with  each  other  in  seeing  who  should  be  first  and 
most  extravagant  in  their  demonstrations.  The  street 
in  front  of  the  "  White  Lion  "  was  day  after  day  blocked 
up,  with  elegant  equipages,  and  her  reception-rooms 
thronged  with  "  fair  women  and  brave  men."  Milliners 
and  mantuarnakers  pressed  upon  the  lovely  and  myste 
rious  Princess  Cariboo  the  most  exquisite  hats,  dresses, 
and  laces,  just  to  acquaint  her  with  the  fashionable 
style  and  solicit  her  distinguished  patronage  ;  dry-goods- 
men  sent  her  rare  patterns  of  their  costliest  and  richest 
stuffs,  perfumers  their  most  exquisite  toilet-cases,  filled 
with  odors  sweet ;  jewellers,  their  most  superb  sets  of 
gems ;  and  florists  and  visitors  nearly  suffocated  her 
with  the  scarcest  and  most  delicate  exotics.  Pictures, 
sketches,  and  engravings,  oil-paintings,  and  portraits  on 
ivory  of  her  rapturous  admirers,  poured  in  from  all 
sides,  and  her.  own  fine  form  and  features  were  repro 
duced  by  a  score  of  artists.  Daily  she  was  feted,  and 
nightly  serenaded,  until  the  Princess  Cariboo  became  the 


ADVENTURERS.  327 

furore  of  the  United  Kingdom.  Magnificent  enter 
tainments  were  given  her  in  private  mansions  ;  and  at 
length,  to  cap  the  climax,  Mr  Worrall,  the  Recorder  of 
Bristol,  managed,  by  his  influence,  to  bring  about  for 
her  a  grand  municipal  reception  in  the  town-hall,  and 
people  from  far  and  near  thronged  to  it  in  thousands. 

In  the  meantime  the  papers  were  gravely  trying  to 
make  out  whether  the  Cariboo  country  meant  some  re 
mote  portion  of  Japan,  or  the  Island  of  Borneo,  or 
some  comparatively  unfamiliar  archipelago  in  the  re 
motest  East,  and  the  "  Mirror  "  was  publishing  type  ex 
pressly  cut  for  the  purpose  of  representing  the  charac 
ters  of  the  language  in  which  the  Princess  spoke  and 
wrote.  They  were  certainly  very  uncouth,  and  pre 
tended  sages,  who  knew  very  well  that  there  was  no 
one  to  contradict  them,  declared  that  they  were  "  an 
cient  Coptic  !  " 

Upon  reading  the  sequel  of  the  story,  one  is  irresisti 
bly  reminded  of  the  ancient  Roman  inscription  discovered 
by  one  of  Dickens'  characters,  which  some  irreverent 
rogue  subsequently  declared  to  be  nothing  more  nor  less 
than  "  Bil  Stumps  His  Mark." 

All  this  went  on  for  about  a  fortnight,  until  the  whole 
town  and  a  good  deal  of  the  surrounding  country  had 
made  complete  fools  of  themselves,  and  only  the 
"  naughty  little  boys  "  in  the  streets  held  out  against 
the  prevailing  mania,  probably  because  they  were  not 
admitted  to  the  sport.  Their  salutations  took  the  form 
of  an  inharmonious  thoroughfare-ballad,  the  chorus  of 
which  terminated  with  : 


328  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

"  Boo  !  hoo  !  hoo  ! 
And  who's  the  Princess  Cariboo?  " 

yelled  out  at  the  top  of  their  voices. 

At  length  one  day,  the  luggage  of  her  Highness  was 
embarked  upon  a  small  vessel  to  be  taken  round  by 
water  to  London,  while  she  announced,  through  her 
"  agent,"  her  intention  to  reach  the  capital  by  post- 
coaching. 

Of  course,  the  most  superb  traveling-carriages  and 
teams  were  placed  at  her  disposal  ;  but,  courteously  de 
clining  all  these  offers,  she  set  out  in  the  night-time 
with  a  hired  establishment,  attended  by  her  retinue. 

Days  and  weeks  rolled  on,  and  yet  no  announcement 
came  of  the  arrival  of  her  Highness  at  London  or  at 
any  of  the  intervening  cities  after  the  first  two  or  three 
towns  eastward  of  Bristol.  Inquiry  began  to  be  made, 
and,  after  long  and  patient  but  unavailing  search,  it  be 
came  apparent  to  divers  and  sundry  dignitaries  in  the 
old  town  that  somebody  had  been  very  particularly 
"  sold." 

The  landlord  at  the  "  White  Lion  "  who  had  accepted 
the  agent's  order  for  <£  1,000  on  a  Calcutta  firm  in 
London  ;  poor  Mr.  Worrall,  who  had  been  Master  of 
Ceremonies  at  the  town  hall  affair,  and  had  spent  large 
sums  of  money  ;  and  the  tradespeople  and  others  who 
sent  their  finest  goods,  all  felt  that  they  had  "  heard 
something  drop."  The  Princess  Cariboo  had  disap 
peared  as  mysteriously  as  she  came. 

For  years,  the  people  of  Bristol  were  unmercifully 
ridiculed  throughout  the  entire  Kingdom  on  account  of 
this  affair,  and  burlesque  songs  and  plays  immortalized 
its  incidents  for  successive  seasons. 


ADVENTURERS.  329 

One  of  these  insisted  that  the  Princess  was  no  other 
than  an  actress  of  more  notoriety  than  note,  humbly 
born  in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  the  old  city,  where 
she  practiced  this  gigantic  hoax,  and  that  she  had  been 
assisted  in  it  by  a  set  of  dissolute  young  noblemen  and 
actors,  who  furnished  the  money  she  had  spent,  got  up 
the  oriental  dresses,  published  the  fibs,  and  fomented 
the  excitement.  At  all  events,  the  net  profit  to  her 
and  her  confederates  in  the  affair  must  have  been  some 
£10,000. 

Within  a  few  months,  and  since  the  first  publica 
tion  of  the  above  paragraphs,  the  English  newspapers 
have  recorded  the  death  of  the  "  Princess  Cariboo," 
who  it  appears  afterward  married  in  her  own  rank  in 
life  and  spent  a  considerable  number  of  years  of  use 
fulness  in  the  leech  trade  —  an  occupation  not  without 
a  metaphorical  likeness  to  her  early  and  more  ambi 
tious  exploit. 


CHAPTER    XL. 

COUNT  CAGLIOSTRO,  ALIAS  JOSEPH  BALSAMO,  KNOWN  AL 
SO  AS  "  CURSED  JOE." 

One  of  the  most  striking,  amusing,  and  instructive 
pan;es  in  the  history  of  humbug  is  the  life  of  Count  Al- 
essandro  di  Cagliostro,  whose  real  name  was  Joseph  or 
Giuseppe  Balsamo.  He  was  born  at  Palermo,  in  1743, 
and  very  early  began  to  manifest  his  brilliant  talents 
for  roguery. 


330  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

He  ran  away  from  his  first  boarding-school,  at  the 
age  of  eleven  or  twelve,  getting  up  a  masquerade  of 
goblins,  by  the  aid  of  some  scampish  schoolfellows, 
which  frightened  the  monkish  watchmen  of  the  gates 
away  from  their  posts,  nearly  dead  with  terror.  He 
had  gained  little  at  this  school,  except  the  pleasant  sur 
name  of  Beppo  Maldetto  (or  cursed  Joe.)  At  the  age 
of  thirteen  he  was  a  second  time  expelled  from  the  con 
vent  of  O'artegirone,  belonging  to  the  order  of  Benfra- 
telli,  the  good  fathers  having  in  vain  endeavored  to  train 
him  up  in  the  way  he  should  go. 

While  in  this  convent,  the  boy  was  in  charge  of  the 
apothecary,  and  probably  picked  up  more  or  less  of  the 
smattering  of  chemistry  and  physics  which  he  after 
wards  used.  His  final  offence  was  a  ridiculous  and 
.characteristic  one.  He  was  a  greedy  and  thievish  fellow, 
and  was  by  way  of  penalty  set  to  read  aloud  about  the 
ancient  martyrs,  those  dry  though  pious  old  gentlemen, 
while  the  monks  ate  dinner.  Thus  put  to  what  he  liked 
least,  and  deprived  of  what  he  liked  best,  he  impudently 
extemporized,  instead  of  the  stories  of  holy  agonies,  all 
the  indecorous  scandal  he  could  think  of  about  the  more 
notorious  disreputable  women  of  Palermo,  putting  their 
names  instead  of  those  of  the  martyrs. 

After  this,  Master  Joe  proceeded  to  distinguish  him 
self  by  forging  opera-tickets,  and  even  documents  of 
various  kinds,  indiscriminate  pilfering  and  swindling, 
interpreting  visions,  conjuring,  and  finally,  it  is  declared, 
a  touch  of  genuine  assassination. 

Pretty  soon  he  made  a  foolish,  greedy  goldsmith,  one 
Marano,  believe  that  there  was  a  treasure  hidden  in  the 


ADVENTURERS.  331 

sand  on  the  sea-shore  near  Palermo,  and  induced  the 
silly  man  to  go  one  night  to  dig  it  up.  Having  reached 
the  spot,  the  dupe  was  made  to  strip  himself  to  his  shirt 
and  drawers,  a  magic  circle  was  drawn  round  him  with  all 
sorts  of  raw-head  and  bloody-bones  ceremonies,  and 
Beppo,  exhorting  him  not  to  leave  the  ring,  lest  the 
spirits  should  kill  him,  stepped  out  of  sight  to  make  the 
incantations  to  raise  them.  Almost  instantly,  six  devils, 
horned,  hoofed,  tailed,  and  clawed,  breathing  fire  and 
smoke,  leaped  from  among  the  rocks  and  beat  the 
wretched  goldsmith  senseless,  and  almost  to  death. 
They  were  of  course  Cursed  Joe  and  some  confederates  ; 
and  taking  Marano's  money  and  valuables,  they  left 
him.  He  got  home  in  wretched  plight,  but  had  sense 
enough  left  to  suspect  Master  Joe,  whom  he  shortly 
promised,  after  the  Sicilian  manner,  to  assassinate.  So 
Joe  ran  away  from  Palermo,  and  went  to  Messina. 
Here  he  said  he  fell  in  with  a  venerable  humbug,  named 
Athlotas,  an  "  Armenian  Sage,"  who  united  his  talents 
with  Beppo's  own,  in  making  a  peculiar  preparation  of 
flax  and  hemp  and  passing  it  off  upon  the  people  of  Alex 
andria,  in  Egypt,  as  a  new  kind  of  silk.  This  feat  made 
not  only  a  sensation  but  plenty  of  money ;  and  the  two 
swindlers  now  traversed  Greece,  Turkey,  and  Arabia, 
in  various  directions,  stirring  up  the  Oriental  "  old 
fogies  "  in  amazing  style.  Harems  and  palaces,  accord 
ing  to  Cagliostro's  own  apocryphal  story,  were  thrown 
open  to  them  everywhere,  and  while  the  Scherif  of  Mec- 
uca  took  Balsao  under  his  high  protection,  one  of  the 
Grand  Muftis  actually  gave  him  splendid  apartments 
in  his  own  abode.  It  is  only  necessary  to  reflect  upon 


332  HUMBUGS   OF   THE   WORLD. 

the  unbounded  reverence  felt  by  all  good  Mussulmen  for 
these  exalted  dignitaries,  to  comprehend  the  height  of 
distinction  thus  attained  by  the  Palermo  thimble-rigger. 
But,  among  the  many  obscure  records  that  exist  in  the 
Italian,  French,  and  German  languages,  touching  this 
arch  impostor,  there  is  a  hint  of  a  night  adventure  in  the 
harem  of  a  high  and  mighty  personage,  at  Mecca, 
whereby  the  latter  was  put  out  of  doors,  with  his  robes 
torn  and  his  beard  singed,  by  his  own  domestics,  and 
left  to  wander  in  the  streets,  while  Beppo,  in  disguise, 
received  the  salaams  and  sequins  of  the  establishment, 
including  the  attentions  of  the  fair  ones  therein  caged, 
for  an  entire  night.  His  escape  to  the  seacoast  after  this 
adventure  was  almost  miraculous  ;  but  escape  he  did, 
and  shortly  afterward  turned  up  in  Rome,  with  the  ti 
tle  (conferred  by  himself)  of  Count  Cagliostro,  the  rep 
utation  of  enormous  wealth,  and  genuine  and  enthusi 
astic  letters  of  recommendation  from  Pinto,  Grand 
Master  of  the  Knights  of  Malta.  Pinto  was  an  alchy- 
mist,  and  had  been  fooled  to  the  top  of  his  bent  by  the 
cunning  Joseph. 

These  letters  introduced  our  humbug  into  the  first 
families  of  Rome ;  who,  like  some  other  first  families, 
were  first  also  as  fools.  He  also  married  a  very  beau 
tiful,  very  shrewd,  and  very  wicked  Roman  donzella, 
Lorenza  Feliciani  by  name  ;  and  the  worthy  couple, 
combining  their  various  talents,  and  regarding  the  world 
as  their  oyster,  at  once  proceeded  to  open  it  in  the  most 
scientific  style.  I  cannot  follow  this  wonderful  human 
chameleon  in  all  his  transformations  under  his  various 
names  of  Fischio,  Melissa,  Feni.ce,  Anna,  Pellegrini, 


ADVENTURERS.  333 

Harat,  and  Belmonte,  nor  state  the  studies  and  processes 
by  which  he  picked  up  sufficient  knowledge  of  physic, 
chemistry,  the  hidden  properties  of  numbers,  astronomy, 
astrology,  mesmerism, clairvoyance,  and  the  genuine  old- 
fashioned  "  black  art ;"  but  suffice  it  to  say,  that  he 
travelled  through  every 'part  of  Europe,  and  set  it  in  a 
blaze  with  excitement. 

There  were  always  enough  of  silly  coxcombs,  young 
and  old,  of  high  degree,  to  be  allured  by  the  siren 
smiles  of  his  "  Countess ;"  and  dupes  of  both  sexes  eve 
rywhere,  to  swallow  his  yarns  and  gape  at  his  juggle 
ries.  In  the  course  of  his  rambles,  he  paid  a  visit  to  his 
great  brother  humbug,  the  Count  of  St.  Germain,  in 
Westphalia,  or  Schleswig,  and  it  was  not  long  afterward 
that  he  began  to  publish  to  the  world  his  grand  discoveries 
in  Alchemy,  of  the  Philosopher's  Stone,  and  the  Elixir  of 
Life,  or  Waters  of  Perpetual  Youth.  These  and  many 
similar  wonders  were  declared  to  be  the  result  of  his  in 
vestigations  under  the  Arch  of  Old  Egyptian  Masonry, 
which  degree  he  claimed  to  have  revived.  This  notion 
of  Egyptian  Masonry,  Cagliostro  is  said  to  have  found 
in  some  manuscripts  left  by  one  George  Cofton,  which 
fell  into  our  quack's  hands.  This  degree  was  to  give 
perfection  to  human  beings,  by  means  of  moral  and 
physical  regeneration.  Of  these  two  the  former  was  to 
be  secured  by  means  of  a  Pentagon,  which  removes  orig 
inal  sin  and  renews  pristine  innocence.  The  physical 
kind  of  regeneration  was  to  be  brought  about  by  using 
the  "  prime  matter "  or  philosopher's  stone,  and  the 
"  Acacia,"  which  two  ingredients  will  give  immortal 
youth.  In  this  new  structure,  he  assumed  the  title  of 


I 
334  HUMBUGS   OF   THE   WORLD. 

the  "  Grand  Cophta  "  and  actually  claimed  the  worship 
of  his  followers  ;  declaring  that  the  institution  had  been 
established  by  Enoch  and  Elias,  and  that  lie  had  been 
summoned  by  "  spiritual  "  agencies  to  restore  it  to  its 
pristine  glory.  In  fact,  this  pretension,  which  influenc 
ed  thousands  upon  thousands -of  believers,  was  one  of 
the  most  daring  impostures  that  ever  saw  the  light ; 
and  it  is  astounding  to  think  that,  so  late  as  1780,  it 
should,  for  a  long  time,  have  been  entirely  successful. 
The  preparatory  course  of  exercises  for  admission  to 
the  mystic  brotherhood  has  been  described  as  a  series  of 
"  purgation,  starvation,  and  desperation,"  lasting  for 
forty  days  !  and  ending  in  "  physical  regeneration " 
and  an  immortality  on  earth.  The  celebrated  Lavater, 
a  mild  and  genial,  but  feeble  man,  became  one  of  Caglios- 
tro's  disciples,  and  was  bamboozled  to  his  heart's  con 
tent  —  in  fact,  made  to  believe  that  the  Count  could  put 
the  devil  into  him,  or  take  him  out,  as  the  case  might  be. 

The  wondrous  "  Water  of  Beauty,"  that  made  old 
wrinkled  faces  look  young,  smooth,  and  blooming  again, 
was  the  special  merchandise  of  the  Countess,  and  was, 
of  course,  in  great  request  among  the  faded  beaux  and 
dowagers  of  the  day,  who  were  easily  persuaded  of  their 
own  restored  loveliness.  The  transmutation  of  baser 
metals  into  gold  usually  terminated  in  the  transmigra- 
of  all  the  gold  his  victims  had  into  the  Count's  own 
purse. 

In  1776,  the  Count  and  Countess  came  to  London. 
Here,  funnily  enough,  they  fell  into  the  hands  of  a 
gambler,  a  shyster,  and  a  female  scamp,  who  together 
tormented  them  almost  to  death,  because  the  Count 


ADVENTURERS.  335 

would  no*,  pick  them  put  lucky  numbers  to  gamble  by. 
They  persecuted  him  fairly  into  jail,  and  plagued  and 
outswindled  him  so  awfully,  that,  after  a  time,  the  poor 
Count  sneaked  back  to  the  Continent  with  only  fifty 
pounds  left  out  of  three  thousand  which  he  had  brought 
with  him. 

One  incident  of  Cagliostro's  English  experience  was 
the  affair  of  the  "  Arsenical  Pio-s  "  —  a  notice  of  which 

£">  f 

may  be  found  in  the  "  Public  Advertiser,"  of  London 
of  September  3,  1786.  A  Frenchman  named  Moran.de, 
was  at  that  time  editing  there  a  paper  in  his  own  lan 
guage,  entitled  "  Le  Courrier  de  PEurope,"  and  lost  no 
opportunity  to  denounce  the  Count  as  a  humbug.  Cag- 
liostro,  at  length,  irritated  by  these  repeated  attacks, 
published  in  the  "  Advertiser  "  an  open  challenge,  offer 
ing  to  forfeit  five  thousand  guineas  if  Morande  should 
not  be  found  dead  in  his  bed  on  the  morning  after  par 
taking  of  the  flesh  of  a  pig,  to  be  selected  by  himself 
from  among  a  drove  fattened  by  the  Count  —  the  cook 
ing,  etc.,  all  to  be  done  at  Morande's  own  house,  and 
under  his  own  eye.  The  time  was  fixed  for  this  singu 
lar  repast,  but  when  it  came  round,  the  French  Edit 
or  "  backed  down  "  completely,  to  the  great  delight  of 
his  opponent  and  his  credulous  followers. 

Cagliostro  and  his  spouse  now  resumed  their  travels 
upon  the  Continent,  and,  by  their  usual  arts  and  trades, 
in  a  great  measure  renewed  their  fallen  fortunes. 

c5 

Among  other  new  dodges,  he  now  assumed  so  super 
natural  a  piety  that  (he  said)  he  could  distinguish  an 
unbeliever  by  the  smell  !  which,  of  course,  was  just  the 
opposite  of  the  "  odor  of  sanctity."  The  Count's 


336  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

claim  to  have  lived  for  hundreds  of  years  was,  by  some, 
thoroughly  believed.  Pie  ascribed  his  immortality  to 
his  own  Elixir,  and  his  comparatively  youthful  appear 
ance  to  his  "  Water  of  Beauty,"  his  Countess  readily 
assisting  him  by  speaking  of  her  son,  a  Colonel  in  the 
Dutch  service,  fifty  years  old,  while  she  appeared 
scarcely  more  than  twenty. 

At  length,  in  Rome,  he  and  the  Countess  fell  into 
the  clutches  of  the  Holy  Office  ;  and  both  having  been 
tried  for  their  manifold  offences  against  the  Church, 
were  found  guilty,  and,  in  spite  of  their  contrition  and 
eager  confessions,  immured  for  life ;  the  Count  with 
in  the  walls  of  the  Castle  of  Sante  Leone,  irr  the  Duchy 
of  Urbino,  where,  after  eight  years'  imprisonment,  he 
died  in  1795,  and  the  Countess  in  a  suburban  convent, 
where  she  died  some  time  after. 

The  portraits  of  Cagliostro,  of  which  a  number  are 
extant,  are  pictures  of  a  strong-built,  bull-necked,  fat, 
gross  man,  with  a  snub  nose,  a  vulgar  face,  a  look  of 
sensuality  and  low  hypocritical  cunning. 

The  celebrated  story  of  "  The  Diamond  Necklace," 
in  which  Cagliostro,  Marie  Antoinette,  the  Cardinal  de 
Rohan,  and  others  were  mixed  in  such  a  hodge-podge 
of  rascality  and  folly,  must  form  a  narrative  by  itself. 


ADVENTURERS.  337 


CHAPTER    XLI. 
THE    DIAMOND    NECKLACE. 

In  my  sketch  of  Joseph  Balsamo,  alias  the  Count 
Alessandro  de  Cagliostro,  t  referred  to  the  affair  of  the 
diamond  necklace,  known  in  French  history  as  the 
Collier  de  la  Reine,  or  Queen's  necklace,  from  the  man 
ner  in  which  the  name  and  reputation  of  Marie  An 
toinette,  the  consort  of  Louis  XVI,  became  entangled 
in  it.  I  shall  now  give  a  brief  account  of  this  celebrat 
ed  imposition  —  perhaps  the  boldest  and  shrewdest  ever 
known,  and  almost  wholly  the  work  of  a  woman. 

On  the  Quai  de  la  Ferraille,  not  far  from  the  Pont 
Neuf,  stood  the  establishment,  part  shop,  part  manufac 
tory,  of  Messrs.  Boehmer  &  Bassange,  the  most  cele 
brated  jewelers  of  their  day.  After  triumphs  which  had 
given  them  world-wide  fame  during  the  reign  of 
Louis  XV,  and  made  them  fabulously  rich,  they  deter 
mined,  with  the  advent  of  Louis  XVI,  to  eclipse  all 
their  former  efforts  and  crown  the  professional  glory  of 
their  lives.  Their  correspondents  in  every  chief  jewel 
market  of  the  world  were  summoned  to  aid  their  enter 
prise,  and  in  the  course  of  some  two  or  three  years  they 
succeeded  in  collecting  the  finest  and  most  remarkable 
diamonds  that  could  be  procured  in  the  whole  world  of 
commerce. 

The  next  idea  was  to  combine  all  these  superb  frag 
ments  in  one  grand  ornament  to  grace  the  form  of 


» 
15 


338 


HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


beauty.  A  necklace  was  the  article  fixed  upon,  and 
the  best  experience  and  most  delicate  taste  that  Europe 
could  boast  were  expended  on  the  design.  Each  and 
every  diamond  was  specially  set  and  faced  in  such 
manner  as  to  reveal  its  excellence  to  the  utmost  advan 
tage,  and  all  were  arranged  together  in  the  style  best 
calculated  to  harmonize  their  united  effecjt.  Forin^ 
shape,  and  the  minutest  shades  of  color  were  studied, 
and  the  result,  after  many  attempts  and  many  failures.* 
and  the  anxious  labor  of  many  months,  was  the  most 
exquisite  triumph  that  the  genius  of  the  lapidary  and 
the  goldsmith  could  conceive. 

The  \vhole  necklace  consisted  of  three  triple  rows 
of  diamonds,  or  nine  rows  in  all,  containing  eight  hun 
dred  faultless  gems.  The  triple  rows  fell  away  from 
each  in  the  most  graceful  and  flexible  curves  over  each 
side  of  the  breast  and  each  shoulder  of  the  wearer,  the 
curves  starting  from  the  throat,  whence  a  magnificent 
pendant,  depending  from  a  single  knot  of  diamonds, 
each  as  large  as  a  hazel-nut,  hung  down  half  way  upon 
the  bosom  in  the  design  of  a  cross  and  crown,  surround 
ed  by  the  lilies  of  the  royal  house  —  the  lilies  them 
selves  dangling  on  stems  which  were  strung  with  small 
er  jewels.  Rich  clusters  and  festoons  spread  from  the 
loop  over  each  shoulder,  and  the  central  loop  on  the 
back  of  the  neck  was  joined  in  a  pattern  of  emblematic 
magnificence  corresponding  with  that  in  front. 

It  was  in  1782  that  this  grand  work  was  finally  com 
pleted,  and  the  happy  owners  gloated  with  delight  over 
a  monument  of  skill  as  matchless  in  its  way  as  the  Pyr 
amids  themselves.  But,  alas  !  the  necklace  might  as 


ADVENTURERS.  339 

well  have  been  constructed  of  the  common  boulders 
piled  in  those  same  pyramids  as  of  the  finest  jewels  of 
the  mine,  for  all  the  good  it  seemed  destined  to  bring 
the  poor  jewelers,  beyond  the  rapture  of  beholding  it 
and  calling  it  theirs. 

The  necklace  was  worth  1,500,000  francs,  equivalent 
to  more  than  $300,000  in  gold,  as  money  then  went,  or 
nearly  $500,000  in  gold,  now-a-days.  Rather  too  large 
a  sum  to  keep  locked  up  in  a  casket,  the  reader  will 
confess  !  And  then  it  seems  that  Messrs.  Boehmer  & 
Bassange  had  not  entirely  paid  for  it  yet.  They  had 
ten  creditors  on  the  diamonds  in  different  countries,  and 
an  immense  capital  still  locked  up  in  their  other  jewel 
ry- 

Of  course,  then,  after  their  first  delight  had  subsided, 

they  were  most  anxious  to  sell  an  article  that  had  to  be 
constantly  and  painfully  watched,  and  that  might  so  easily 
disappear.  How  many  a  nimble-fingered  and  stout 
hearted  rogue  would  not,  in  those  days,  have  imperiled  a 
dozen  lives  to  clutch  that  blazing  handful  of  dross,  con 
vertible  into  an  elysium  of  pomp  and  pleasure  !  It  would 
hardly  have  been  a  safe  noonday  plaything  in  moral 
Gothaii:,  let  alone  the  dissolute  Paris  of  eighty  years 
ago! 

The  first  thought,  of  course,  that  kindled  in  the 
breasts  of  Boehmer  and  Bassange  was,  that  the  only 
proper  resting-place  for  their  matchless  bauble  was  the 
snowy  neck  of  the  Queen  Marie  Antionette,  then  the 
admired  and  beloved  of  all  !  Her  peerless  beauty  alone 
could  live  in  the  glow  of  such  supernal  splendor,  and 
the  French  throne  was  the  only  one  in  Christendom 


340  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

that  could  sustain  such  glittering  weight.  Moreover, 
the  Queen  had  already  once  been  a  good  customer  to 
the  court  jewelers,  for  in  1774  she  bought  four  dia 
monds  of  them  for  175,000. 

Louis  XV  would  not  have  hesitated  to  fling  it  on  the 
shoulders  of  the  Du  Barry,  and  Louis  XVI,  in  spite  of 
his  odd  notions  upon  economy  and  just  administration, 
easily  listened  to  the  delicate  insinuations  of  his  court- 
jewelers  ;  and,  one  fine  morning,  laid  the  necklace  in 
its  casket  on  the  table  of  his  Queen.  Her  Majesty,  for 
a  moment,  yielded  to  the  promptings  of  feminine  weak 
ness,  and  danced  and  laughed  with  the  glee  of  an  over 
joyed  child  in  the  new  sunshine  of  those  burning,  spark 
ling,  dazzling  gems.  Once  and  once  only  she  placed  it 
on  her  neck  and  breast,  and  probably  the  world  has 
never  before  or  since  seen  such  a  countenance  in  such  a 
setting.  It  was  almost  the  head  of  an  angel  shining  in 
the  glory  of  the  spheres.  But  a  better  thought  pre 
vailed,  and  quickly  removing  it,  she,  with  a  wave  of 
her  beautiful  hand,  declined  the  gift  and  besought  the 
King  to  apply  the  sum  to  any  other  purpose  that  would 
be  useful  or  honorable  to  France,  whose  finances  were 
sadly  straitened.  "  We  want  ships  of  war  more  than  we 
do  necklaces,"  said  she.  The  King  was  really  delight 
ed  at  this  act  of  the  Queen's,  and  the  incident  soon  be 
coming  widely  known,  gave  the  latter  immense  popu 
larity  for  at  least  twenty-four  hours  after  it  occurred. 
In  fact,  the  amount  was  really  applied  to  the  construction 
of  a  grand  line-of-battle  ship  called  the  Suffren,  after 
the  great  Admiral  of  that  name. 

Boehrner,  who  seems  to  have  been  the  business  man- 


ADVENTURERS.  341 

ager  of  the  jeweler  firm,  found  his  necklace  as  trouble 
some  as  the  cobbler  did  the  elephant  he  won  in  a  raffle, 
and  tried  so  perseveringly  to  induce  the  Queen  to  buy  it, 
that  he  became  a  real  torment.  She  seems  to  have 
thought  him  a  little  cracked  on  the  subject ;  and  one 
day,  when  he  obtained  a  private  audience,  he  besought 
her  either  to  buy  the  necklace  or  to  let  him  go  and 
drown  himself  in  the  Seine.  Out  of  all  patience,  the 
Queen  intimated  that  he  would  have  been  wiser  to  se 
cure  a  customer  to  begin  with  ;  that  she  would  not  buy  ; 
that  if  he  chose  to  throw  himself  into  the  Seine  it  would 
be  entirely  on  his  own  responsibility  ;  and  that  as  for 
the  necklace,  he  had  better  pick  it  to  pieces  and  sell  it. 
The  poor  German  (for  Boehmer  was  a  native  of  Sax 
ony)  departed  in  deep  distress,  but  accepted  neither  his 
own  sufwestion  nor  the  Queen's. 

OO  *' 

For  some  months  after  this,  the  court  jewelers 
busied  themselves  in  peddling  their  necklace  about 
among  the  courts  of  Europe.  But  none  of  these  con 
cerns  found  it  convenient  just  then  to  pay  out  three 
hundred  and  sixty  thousand  dollars  for  a  concatenation 
of  eight  hundred  diamonds  ;  and  still  the  sparkling  ele 
phant  remained  on  the  jewelers'  hands. 

Time  passed  on.  Madame  Campan,  one  of  the 
Queen's  confidential  ladies,  happened  to  meet  Boehmer 
one  day,  and  the  necklace  was  alluded  to. 

"  What  is  the  state  of  affairs  about  the  necklace," 
asked  the  lady. 

fct>  Highly  satisfactory,"  replied  Boehmer,  whose  seren 
ity  of  countenance  Madame  Campan  had  already  re 
marked/'  I  have  sold  it  to  the  Sultan  at  Constantiople, 
for  his  favorite  Sultana." 


342  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

This  the  lady  thought  rather  curious,  but  she  was 
glad  the  thing  was  disposed  of,  and  said  no  more. 

Time  passed  on  again.  In  the  beginning  of  August 
1785,  Boehmer  took  the  trouble  to  call  on  Madame 
Campan  at  her  country-house,  somewhat  to  her  surprise. 

"  Has  the  Queen  given  you  no  message  for  me?  "  he 
inquired. 

"  No  !  "  said  the  lady ;  What  message  should  she 
give  ?  " 

"  An  answer  to  my  note,"  said  the  jeweler. 

Madame  remembered  a  note  which  the  Queen  had 
received  from  Boehmer  a  little  while  before,  along  with 
some  ornaments  sent  by  his  hands  to  her  as  a  present 
from  the  King.  It  congratulated  her  on  having  the 
finest  diamonds  in  Europe,  and  hoped  she  would  remem 
ber  him.  The  Queen  could  make  nothing  of  it,  and 
destroyed  it.  Madame  Campan  therefore  replied, 

44  There  is  no  answer,  the  Queen  burned  the  note. 
44  She  does  not  even  understand  what  you  meant  by 
writing  that  note." 

This  statement  very  quickly  elicited  from  the  now 
startled  German  a  story  which  astounded  the  lady.  He 
said  the  Queen  owed  him  the  first  instalment  of  the 
money  for  the  diamond  necklace;  that  she  had  bought 
it  after  all  ;  that  the  story  about  the  Sultana  was  a  lie 
told  by  her  directions  to  hide  the  fact ;  since  the  Queen 
meant  to  pay  by  instalments,  and  did  not  wish  the  pur 
chase  known.  And  Boehmer  said,  she  had  employed  the 
Cardinal  de  Rohan  to  buy  the  necklace  for  her,  and  it 
had  been  delivered  to  him  for  her,  and  by  him  to  her. 

Now    the    Queen,    as   Madame  Campan   knew  very 


ADVENTURERS.  343 

well,  had  always  strongly  disliked  this  Cardinal  ;  he 
had  even  been  kept  from  attending  at  Court  in  conse 
quence,  and  she  had  not  so  much  as  spoken  to  him  for 
years.  And  so  Madame  Carapan  told  Boehmer,  and 
further  she  told  him  he  had  been  imposed  upon. 

"  No,"  said  the  man  of  sparklers  decisively,  "  It  is 
you  who  are  deceived.  She  is  decidedly  friendly  to  the 
cardinal.  I  have  myself  the  documents  with  her  own 
signature  authorizing  the  transaction,  for  I  have  had 
to  let  the  bankers  see  them  in  order  to  get  a  little 
time  on  my  own  payments." 

Here  was  a  monstrous  mystification  for  the  lady  of 
honor,  who  told  Boehmer  to  instantly  go  and  see  his 
official  superior,  the  chief  of  the  king's  household.  She 
herself  being  very  soon  afterwards  summoned  to  the 
Queen's  presence,  the  affair  came  up,  and  she  told  the 
Queen  all  she  knew  about  it.  Marie  Antoinette  was 
profoundly  distressed  by  the  evident  existence  of  a 
great  scandal  and  swindle,  with  which  she  was  plainly 
to  be  mixed  up  through  the  forced  signatures  to  the 

O  O  ?T5 

documents  which  Boehmer  had  been  relying  on. 

Now  for  the  Cardinal. 

Louis  de  Rohan,  a  scion  of  the  great  house  of  Ro 
han,  one  of  the  proudest  of  France,  was  descended  of 
the  blood  royal  of  Brittany  ;  was  a  handsome,  proud, 
dissolute,  foolish,  credulous,  unprincipled  noble,  now 
almost  fifty  years  old,  a  thorough  rake,  of  large  reve 
nues,  but  deeply  in  debt.  He  was  Peer  of  France,  Arch 
bishop  of  Strasburg,  Grand  Almoner  of  France,  Com 
mander  of  the  Order  of  the  Holy  Ghost,  Commendator 
of  the  benefice  of  St.  Wast  d'Arras,  said  to  be  the  most 


344 


HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


wealthy  in  Europe,  and  a  Cardinal.  He  had  been  am 
bassador  at  Vienna  a  little  after  Marie  Antoinette  was 
married  to  the  Dauphin,  and  while  there  had  taken 
advantage  of  his  official  station  to  do  a  tremendous 
quantity  of  smuggling.  He  had  also  further  and  most 
deeply  offended  the  Empress  Maria  Theresa,  by  out 
rageous  debaucheries,  by  gross  irreligion,  and  above  all 
by  a  rather  flat  but  in  effect  stingingly  satirical  descrip 
tion  of  her  conduct  about  the  partition  of  Poland. 
This  she  never  forgave  him,  neither  did  her  daughter 
Marie  Antoinette  ;  and  accordingly,  when  he  presented 
himself  at  Paris  soon  after  she  became  Queen,  he  re 
ceived  a  curt  repulse,  and  an  intimation  that  he  had 
better  go  to  —  Strasburg. 

Now  in  those  days  a  sentence  of  exclusion  from 
Court  was  to  a  French  noble  but  just  this  side  of  a 
banishment  to  Tophet ;  and  de  Rohan  was  just  silly 
enough  to  feel  this  infliction  most  intensely.  He  went 
however,  and  from  that  time  onward,  for  year  after 
year,'  lived  the  life  of  a  persevering  Adam  thrust  out  of 
his  paradise,  hanging  about  the  gate  and  trying  all  pos 
sible  ways  to  sneak  in  again.  Once,  for  instance,  he 
had  induced  the  porter  at  the  palace  of  the  Trianon  to 
let  him  get  inside  the  grounds  during  an  illumination, 
and  was  recognized  by  the  glow  of  his  cardinal's  red 
stockings  from  under  his  cloak.  But  he  was  only 
laughed  at  for  his  pains  ;  the  porter  was  turned  off,  and 
the  poor  silly  miserable  cardinal  remained  "  out  in  the 
cold,"  breaking  his  heart  over  his  exclusion  from  the 
most  tedious  mess  of  conventionalities  that  ever  was 
contrived —  except  those  of  the  court  of  Spain. 


ADVENTURERS.  345 

About  1783,  this  great  fool  fell  in  with  an  equally 
great  knave,  who  must  be  spoken  of  here,  where  he  be 
gins  to  converge  alono-  with  the  rest,  towards  the  explo- 

cT*  <"">  ?T>  I 

sion  of  the  necklace  swindle.  This  was  Cagliostro,  who 
at  that  time  came  to  Strasburg  and  created  a  tremen 
dous  excitement  with  his  fascinating  Countess,  his 
Egyptian  masonry,  his  Spagiric  Food  (a  kind  of  Bran- 
dreth's  pill  of  the  period,)  which  he  fed  out  to  poor  sick 
people,  his  elixir  of  life,  and  other  humbugs. 

The  Cardinal  sent  an  intimation  that  he  would  like 
to  see  the  quack.  The  quack,  whose  impudence  was 
far  greater  than  the  Cardinal's  pride,  sent  back  this  sub 
lime  reply :  "  If  he  is  sick  let  him  come  to  me,  and  I 
will  cure  him.  If  he  is  well,  he  does  not  need  to  see 
me,  nor  I  him." 

This  piece  of  impudence  made  the  fool  of  a  cardinal 
more  eager  than  ever.  After  some  more  affected  shy 
ness,  Cagliostro  allowed  himself  to  be  seen.  He  was 
just  the  man  to  captivate  the  Cardinal,  and  they  were 
quickly  intimate  personal  friends,  practising  transmuta 
tion,  alchemy,  masonry,  and  still  more  particularly  con 
ducting  a  great  many  experiments  on  the  Cardinal's 
remarkably  fine  stock  of  Tokay  wine.  Whatever  poor 
de  Rohan  had  to  do,  he  consulted  Cagliostro  about  it, 
and  when  the  latter  went  to  Switzerland,  his  dupe  main 
tained  a  constant  communication  with  him  in  cipher. 

Lastly  is  to  be  mentioned  Jeanne  de  St.  Remi, 
Countess  de  Lamotte  de  Valois  de  France,  the  chief 
scoundrel,  if  the  term  may  be  used  of  a  woman  —  of 
the  necklace  affair.  She  seems  to  have  been  really  a 
descendant  of  the  royal  house  of  Valois,  to  which 
15* 


346  HUMBUGS  or  THE  WORLD. 

Francis  I.  belonged  ;  through  an  illegitimate  son  of  Hen 
ry  II.  created  Count  de  St.  Remi.  The  family  had  run 
down  and  become  poor  and  rascally,  one  of  Jeanne's 
immediate  ancestors  having  practiced  counterfeiting  for 
a  living.  She  herself  had  been  protected  by  a  certain 
kind  hearted  Countess  de  Boulainvilliers  ;  was  receiv 
ing  a  small  pension  from  the  the  Court  of  about  $325 
a  year;  had  married  a  certain  tall  soldier  named 
Lamotte  :  had  come  to  Paris,  and  was  living  in  poverty 
in  a  garret,  hovering  about  as  it  were  for  a  chance  to 
better  her  circumstances.  She  was  a  quick-witted, 
bright-eyed,  brazen-faced  hussy,  not  beautiful,  but  with 
lively  pretty  ways,  and  indeed  somewhat  fascinating. 

Her  protectress,  the  countess  de  Boulainvilliers,  was 
now  dead ;  while  she  was  alive  Jeanne  had  once  visited 
her  at  de  Rohan's  palace  of  Saverne,  and  had  thus 
scraped  a  slight  acquaintance  with  the  gay  Cardinal, 
which  she  resumed  during  her  abode  at  Paris. 

Everybody  at  Paris  knew  about  the  Diamond  Neck 
lace,  and  about  de  Rohan's  desire  to  get  into  court  favor. 
This  sharp-witted  female  swindler  now  came  in  among 
the  elements  I  have  thus  far  been  describing,  to  frame 
necklace,  jeweller,  cardinal,  queen,  and  swindler,  all  to 
gether  into  her  plot,  just  as  the  key-stone  drops  into  an 
arch  and  locks  it  up  tight. 

No  mortal  knows  where  ideas  come  from.  Suddenly 
a  conception  is  in  the  mind,  whence,  or  how,  we  do  not 
know,  any  more  than  we  know  Life.  The  devil  himself 
might  have  furnished  that  which  now  popped  into  the 
cunning,  wicked  mind  of  this  adventuress.  This  is 
what  she  saw  all  at  once ; 


ADVENTURERS.  347 

Boelimer  is  crazy  to  sell  his  necklace.  De  Rohan  is 
crazy  after  the  Queen's  favor.  I  am  crazy  after  money. 
Now  if  I  can  make  De  Rohan  think  that  the  Queen 
wants  the  necklace,  and  will  become  his  friend  in  re 
turn  for  his  helping  her  to  it ;  if  I  can  make  him  think 
I  am  her  agent  to  him,  then  I  can  steal  the  diamonds 
in  their  transit. 

A  wonderfully  cunning  and  hardy  scheme  !  And 
most  wonderful  was  the  cool,  keen  promptitude  with 
which  it  was  executed. 

The  countess  began  to  hint  to  the  cardinal  that  she 
was  fast  getting  into  the  Queen's  good  graces,  by  virtue 
of  being  a  capital  gossip  and  story-teller ;  and  that  she 
had  frequent  private  audiences,  Soon  she  added  inti 
mations  that  the  Queen  was  far  from  being  really  so 
displeased  with  the  cardinal,  as  he  supposed.  At  this 
the  old  fool  bit  instantly,  and  showed  the  keenest  emo 
tions  of  hope  and  delight.  On  a  further  suggestion,  he 
presently  drew  up  a  letter  or  memoir  humbly  and  plain 
tively  stating  his  case,  which  the  countess  undertook 
to  put  into  the  Queen's  hands.  It  was  the  first  of  over 
two  liundred  notes  from  him,  notes  of  abasement,  be 
seeching  argument,  expostulation,  and  so  on,  all  entrust 
ed  to  Jeanne.  She  burnt  them,  I  suppose. 

In  order  to  make  her  dupe  sure  that  she  told  the 
truth  about  her  access  to  the  Queen,  Jeanne  more 
than  once  made  him  go  and  watch  her  enter  a  side  gate 
into  the  grounds  of  the  Trianon  palace,  to  which  she 
had  somehow  obtained  a  key  ;  and  after  waiting  he  saw 
her  come  out  again,  sometimes  under  the  escort  of  a 
man,  who  was,  she  said  one  Desclos,  a  confidential 


348  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

valet  of  the  Queen.  This  was  Villette  de  Re*taux,  a 
"  pal"  of  Jeanne's  and  of  her  husband  Lamotte,  who  had, 
by  the  way,  become  a  low-class  gambler  and  swindler 
by  occupation. 

Next  Jeanne  talked  about  the  Queen's  charities  ;  and 
on  one  occasion,  told  how  much  the  amiable  Marie  An 
toinette  longed  to  expend  certain  sums  for  benevolent 
purposes  if  she  only  had  them — but  she  was  out  of 
funds,  and  the  King  was  so  close  about  money  ! 

The  poor  cardinal  bit  again  —  "  If  the  Queen  would 
only  allow  him  the  honor  to  furnish  the  little  amount  !  " 

The  countess  evidently  had'nt  thought  of  that.  She 
reflected  —  hesitated.  The  cardinal  urged.  She  con 
sented —  it  was  not  much  —  and  was  so  kind  as  to 
carry  the  cash  herself.  At  their  next  meeting  she 
reported  that  the  Queen  was  delighted,  telling  a  very 
nice  story  about  it.  The  cardinal  would  only  be 
too  happy  to  do  so  again.  And  sure  enough  he  did, 
and  quite  a  number  of  times  too ;  contributing  in  all  to 
the  funds  of  the  countess  in  this  manner,  about 
$25,000. 

Well :  after  a  time  the  cardinal  is  at  Strasburg, 
when  he  receives  a  note  from  the  countess  that  brings 
him  back  again  as  quick  as  post-horses  can  carry  him. 
It  says  that  there  is  something  very  important,  very 
sec.ret,  very  delicate,  that  the  queen  wants  his  help 
about.  He  is  overflowing  with  zeal.  What  is  it  ? 
Only  let  him  know  —  his  life,  his  purse,  his  soul,  are  at 
the  service  of  his  liege  ladv. 

O  «/ 

His  purse  is  all  that  is  needed.  With  infinite  shy 
ness  and  circumspection,  the  countess  gradually,  half 


ADVENTURERS.  349 

unwillingly,  lets  him  find  out  that  it  is  the  diamond 
necklace  that  the  Queen  wants.  By  diabolical  ingenui 
ties  of  talk  she  leads  de  Rohan  to  the  full  conviction 
that  if  he  secures  the  Queen  that  necklace,  he  will 
thenceforward  bask  in  all  the  sunshine  of  court  favor 
that  she  can  show  or  control. 

And  at  proper  times  sundry  notes  from  the  Queen 
are  bestowed  upon  the  enraptured  noodle.  These  are 
written  in  imitation  of  the  Queen's  handwriting,  by 
that  Villette  de  Retaux  who  personated  the  Queen's 
valet,  and  who  was  an  expert  at  counterfeiting. 

A  last  and  sublime  summit  of  impudent  pretension 
is  reached  by  a  secret  interview  which  the  Queen,  says 
the  countess,  desires  to  grant  to  her  beloved  servant  the 
cardinal.  This  suggestion  was  rendered  practicable  by 
one  of  those  mere  coincidences  which  are  found  though 

to 

rarely  in  history,  and  which  are  too  improbable  to  put 
into  a  novel — the  casual  discovery  of  a  young  woman 
of  loose  character  who  looked  much  like  the  Queen. 
Whether  her  name  was  d'Essigny  or  Gay  d'Oliva,  is  un 
certain  ;  she  is  usually  called  by  the  latter.  She  was 
hired  and  taught  ;  and  with  immense  precautions,  this  os 
trich  of  a  cardinal  \vas  one  night  introduced  into  the  gar 
dens  of  the  Trianon,  and  shown  a  little  nook  among  the 
thickets  where  a  stately  female  in  the  similitude  of  the 
Queen  received  him  with  soft  spoken  words  of  kindly 
greeting,  allowed  him  to  kneel  and  kiss  a  fair  and  shape 
ly  hand,  and  showed  no  particular  timidity  of  any  kind. 
Yet  the  interview  had  scarcely  more  than  besjun  before 
steps  were  heard.  "  Some  one  is  coming,"  exclaimed 
the  lady,  "  it  is  Monsieur  and  Madame  d'Artois —  We 


350  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

must  part.  There  "  —  she  gave  him  a  red  rose  — "  You 
know  what  that  means  !  Farewell  !  "  And  away 
they  went  —  Mademoiselle  d'Oliva  to  report  to  her 
employers,  and  the  cardinal,  in  a  seventh  heaven  of 
ineffable  tomfoolery,  to  his  hotel. 

But   the   interview,  and   the   lovely  little   notes   that 
came  sometimes,  "  fixed  "  the  necklace  business  !     And 
if  further  encouragement  had  been  needed,  Cagliostro 
gave  it.     For  the  cardinal  now  consulted  him  about  the 
future  of  the  affair,  having  indeed  kept  him   fully   in 
formed  about  it  for  a  long  time,  as  he  did  of  all  matters 
of  interest.     So  the   quack  set   up  his    tabernacles  of 
mummery  in  a  parlor  of  the  cardinal's  hotel,  and  con 
ducted  an  Egyptian  Invocation  there  all  night  long  in 
solitude  and  pomp  ;  and  in  the   morning  he  decreed  (in 
substance)    "  go    ahead."      And    the    cardinal    did    so. 
Boehmer  and  Bassange  were  only  too  happy  to  bargain 
with  the  great  and  wealthy  church  and  state  dignitary. 
A   memorandum   of  terms   and   time   of  payment   was 
drawn  up,  and  was  submitted  to  the   Queen.      That  is, 
swindling  Jeanne   carried  it  off,  and  brought   it  back, 
with  an  entry  made  by  Villette  de  Retaux  in  the  mar 
gin,  thus  :  "  Bon,  bon—  Approuve,  Marie  Antoinette  de 
France."     That  is,  "  Good,  good  —  I  approve.     Marie 
Antoinette   de   France."     The   payment   was   to  be  by 
instalments,  at   six   months,   and  quarterly  afterwards  ; 
the  Queen  to  furnish  the  money  to  the  cardinal,  while  he 
remained  ostensibly   holden  to  the  jewellers,  she   thus 
keeping  out  of  sight. 

So  the  jewels  were  handed  over  to  the  cardinal  de 
Rohan  ;   he   took  them  one  evening  in   great  state    to 


ADVENTURERS.  351 

the  lodgings  of  the  countess,  where  with  all  imaginable 
formality  there  came  a  knock  at  the  door,  and  when  it 
was  open  a  tall  valet  entered  who  said  solemnly  "  On 
the  part  of  the  Queen  !  ''  De  Rohan  knew  it  was  the 
Queen's  confidential  valet,  for  he  saw  with  his  own 
eves  that  it  was  the  same  man  who  had  escorted  the 
countess  from  the  side  gate  at  the  Trianon  !  And  so  it 
was;  to  wit,  Villette  de  Retaux,  who,  calmly  receiving 
the  fifteen  huudred  thousand  franc  treasure,  marched 
but  as  solemnly  as  he  had  come  in. 

As  that  counterfeiting  rascal  goes  out  of  the  door, 
the  diamond  necklace  itself  disappears  from  our  knowl 
edge.  The  swindle  was  consummated,  but  there  is  no 
whisper  of  the  disposition  of  the  spoils.  Villette,  and 
Jeanne's  husband  Lamotte,  went  to  London  and  Am 
sterdam,  and  had  some  money  there  ;  but  seemingly  no 
more  than  the  previous  pillages  upon  the  cardinal  might 
have  supplied  ;  nor  did  the  countess'  subsequent  expen 
ditures  show  that  she  had  any  of  the  proceeds. 

But  that  is  not  the  last  of  the  rest  of  the  parties  to 
the  affair,  by  any  means.  Between  this  scene  and  the 
time  when  the  anxious  Boehmer.  havino-  a  little  bill  to 

'  O 

meet,  beset  Madame  Campan  about  his  letter  and  the 
money  the  Queen  was  to  pay  him,  there  intervened  six 
months.  During  that  time  countess  Jeanne  was 
smoothing  as  well  as  she  could,  with  endless  lies  and 
contrivances,  the  troubles  of  the  perplexed  cardinal, 
who  "  could'nt  seem  to  see  "  that  he  was  much  better 
off  in  spite  of  his  loyal  performance  of  his  part  of  the 
bargain. 

But  this  application  by  Boehmer,  and   the  enormous 


352  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

swindle  which  it  was  instantly  evident  had  been  perpe 
trated  on  somebody  or  other,  of  course  waked  up  a 
commotion  at  once.  The  baron  de  Breteuil,  a  deadly 
enemy  of  de  Rohan,  got  hold  of  it  all,  and  in  his  over 
powering  eagerness  to  ruin  his  foe,  quickly  rendered  the 
matter  so  public  that  it  was  out  of  the  question  to  hush 
it  up.  It  seems  probable  that  Jeanne  de  Lamotte  ex 
pected  that  the  business  would  be  kept  quiet  for  the 
sake  of  the  Queen,  and  that  thus  any  very  severe  or 
public  punishments  would  be  avoided  and  perhaps  no 
inquiries  made.  It  is  clear  that  this  would  have  been 
the  best  plan,  but  de  Breteuil's  officiousness  prevented 
it,  and  there  was  nothing  for  it  but  legal  measures.  De 
Rohan  was  arrested  and  put  in  the  Bastile,  having  bare 
ly  been  able  to  send  a  message  in  German  to  his  hotel 
to  a  trusty  secretary,  who  instantly  destroyed  all  the 
papers  relating  to  the  affair.  Jeanne  was  also  impris 
oned,  and  Miss  Gay  d'Oliva  and  Villette  de  Retaux, 
being  caught  at  Brussels  and  Amsterdam,  were  in  like 
manner  secured.  As  for  Cagliostro,  he  was  also  im 
prisoned,  some  accounts  saying  that  he  ostentatiously 
gave  himself  up  for  trial. 

This  was  a  public  trial  before  the  Parliament  of  Paris, 
with  much  form. 

The  result  was  that  the  cardinal,  appearing  to  be 
only  fool,  not  knave,  was  acquitted.  Gay  d'Oliva 
appeared  to  have  known  nothing  except  that  she  was 
to  play  a  part,  and  she  had  been  told  that  the  Queen 
wanted  her  to  do  so,  so  she  was  let  go.  Villette  was 
banished  lor  life.  Lamotte,  the  countess'  husband,  had 
escaped  to  England,  and  was  condemned  to  the  gal- 


ADVENTURERS.  353 

leys  in  his  absence,  which  didn't  hurt  him  much. 
Cagliostro  was  acquitted.  But  Jeanne  was  sentenced  to 
he  whipped,  branded  on  the  shoulder  with  the  letter  V 
for  Voleuse  (thief),  and  banished. 

This  sentence  was  executed  in  full,  but  with  great 
difficulty  ;  for  the  woman  turned  perfectly  furious  on 
the  public  scaffold,  flew  at  the  hangman  like  a  tiger,  bit 
pieces  out  of  his  hands,  shrieked,  cursed,  rolled  on  the 
floor,  kicked,  squirmed  and  jumped,  until  they  held  her 
by  brute  force,  tore. down  her  dress,  and  the  red  hot 
iron  going  aside  as  she  struggled,  plunged  full  into  her 
snowy  white  breast,  planting  there  indelibly  the  horri 
ble  black  V,  while  she  yelled  like  a  fiend  under  the 
torment  of  the  smoking  brand.  She  fled  away  to  Eng 
land,  lived  there  some  time  in  dissolute  courses,  and  is 
said  to  have  died  in  consequence  of  falling  out  of  a 
window  when  drunk,  or  as  another  account  states,  of 
being  flung  out  by  the  companions  of  her  orgy,  whom 
she  had  stung  to  fury  by  her  frightful  scolding.  Before 
her  death  she  put  forth  one  or  two  memoirs,  —  false, 
scandalous  things. 

The  unfortunate  Queen  never  entirely  escaped  some 
shadow  of  disrepute  from  the 'necklace  business.  For 
to  the  very  last,  both  on  the  trial  and  afterwards, 
Jeanne  de  Lainotte  impudently  stuck  to  it  that  at 
least  the  Queen  had  known  about  the  trick  played  on 
the  Cardinal  at  the  Trianon,  and  had  in  fact  been  hid 
den  close  by  and  saw  and  laughed  heartily  at  the  whole 
interview.  So  sore  and  morbid  was  the  condition  of 
the  public  mind  in  France  in  those  days,  when  symp 
toms  of  the  coming  Revolution  were  breaking  out  on 


354  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


every  side,  that  this  odious  story  found  many  and  wil 


ling  believers. 


CHAPTER    LXII. 

THE    COUNT  DE    ST.    GERMAIN,  SAGE,  PROPHET,  AND  MA 
GICIAN. 

Superior  to  Cagliostro,  even  in  accomplishments,  and 
second  to  him  in  notoriety  only,  was   that  human   non 
descript,  the  so-called  Count  de  St.  Germain,  whom  Fred 
rick  the  Great  called,   "  a  man  no  one  lias   ever  been 
able  to  make  out." 

The  Marquis  de  Crequy  declares  that  St.  Germain 
was  an  Alsatian  Jew,  Simon  Wolff  by  name,  and  born 
at  Strasburg  about  the  close  of  the  seventeenth  or  the 
beginning  of  the  eighteenth  century  ;  others  insist  that 
he  was  a  Spanish  Jesuit  named  Ayrnar ;  and  others 
again  intimate  that  his  true  title  was  the  Marquis  de 
Betmar,  and  that  he  was  a  native  of  Portugal.  The 
most  plausible  theory,  however,  makes  him  the  natural 
son  of  an  Italian  princess,  and  fixes  his  birth  at  San 
Germane,  in  Savoy,  about  the  year  1710  ;  his  ostensi 
ble  father  being  one  Rotondo,  a  tax-collector  of  that 
district. 

This  supposition  is  borne  out  by  the  fact  that  he 
spoke  all  his  many  languages  with  an  Italian  accent. 
It  was  about  the  year  1750  that  he  first  began  to  be 
heard  of  in  Europe  as  the  Count  St.  Germain,  and  put 
forth  the  astounding  pretensions  that  soon  gave  him  ce- 


ADVENTURERS.  355 

lebrity  over  the  whole  continent.  The  celebrated  Mar 
quis  de  Belleisle  made  his  acquaintance  about  that  time 
in  Germany,  and  brought  him  to  Paris,  where  he  was 
introduced  to  Madame  de  Pompadour,  whose  favor  he 
very  quickly  gained.  The  influence  of  that  famous 
beauty  was  just  then  paramount  with  Louis  XV,  and 
the  Count  was  soon  one  of  the  most  eminent  men  at 
court.  He  was  remarkably  handsome  —  as  an  old  por 
trait  at  Friersdorf,  in  Saxony,  in  the  rooms  he  once  oc 
cupied,  sufficientlv  indicated  ;  and  his  musical  accom 
plishments,  added  to  the  ineffable  charm  of  his  manners 
and  conversation,  and  the  miracles  he  performed,  ren 
dered  him  an  irresistible  attraction,  especially  to  the 
ladies,  who  appear  to  have  almost  idolized  him.  Endow 
ed  with  an  enchanting  voice,  he  could  also  play  every 
instrument  then  in  vogue,  but  especially  excelled  upon 
the  violin,  which  he  could  handle  in  such  a  manner  as 
to  give  it  the  effect  of  a  small  orchestra.  Cotemporary 
writers  declare  that,  in  his  more  ordinary  performances, 
a  connoisseur  could  distinctly  hear  the  separate  tones  of 
a  full  quartet  when  the  count  was  extemporizing  on  his 
favorite  Cremona.  His  little  work,  entitled  "  La  Musi- 
que  Raisonnee,  published  in  England,  for  private  circu 
lation  only,  bears  testimony  to  his  musical  genius,  and 
to  the  wondrous  eccentricity,  as  well  as  beauty,  of  his 
conceptions.  But  it  was  in  alectromancy,  or  divination 
by  signs  and  circles  ;  hydromancy,  or  divination  by 
water;  cleidomancy,  or  divination  by  the  kev,  and 
dactylomancy,  or  divination  by  the  fingers,  that  the 
count  chiefly  excelled,  although  he,  at  the  same  time, 
professed  alchemy,  astrology,  and  prophecy  in  the  high 
er  branches. 


356  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

The  fortunes  of  the  Count  St.  Germain  rose  so  rapid 
ly  in  France,  that  in  1760  he  was  sent  by  Louis  XV,  to 
the  Court  of  England,  to  assist  in  negotiations  for  a 
peace.  M.  de  Choiseul,  then  Prime  Minister  of 
France,  however,  greatly  feared  and  detested  the 
Count ;  and  secretly  wrote  to  Pitt,  begging  the  latter 
to  have  that  personage  arrested,  as  lie  was  certainly  a 
Russian  spy.  But  St.  Germain,  through  his  attendant 
sprites,  of  course,  received  timely  warning,  and  escaped 
to  the  Continent.  In  England,  he  was  the  inseparable 
friend  of  Prince  Lobkowitz — a  circumstance  that  gave 
some  color  to  his  alleged  connection  with  the  Russians. 
His  sojourn  there  was  equally  distinguished  by  his  devo 
tion  to  the  ladies,  and  his  unwavering  success  at  the 
gaming-table,  where  he  won  fabulous  sums,  which  were 
afterward  dispensed  with  imperial  munificence.  It  was 
there,  too,  that  he  put  forward  his  claims  to  the  highest 
rank  in  Masonry  ;  and,  of  course,  added,  thereby,  im 
mensely  to  the  eclat  of  his  position.  He  spoke  English, 
French,  Spanish,  Portuguese,  Italian,  German,  Russian, 
Polish,  the  Scandinavian,  and  many  of  the  Oriental 
tongues,  with  equal  fluency ;  and  pretended  to  have 
traveled  over  the  whole  earth,  and  even  to  have  visited 
the  most  distant  starry  orbs  frequently,  in  the  course  of 
a  lifetime  which,  with  continual  transmigrations,  he  de 
clared  to  have  lasted  for  thousands  of  years.  His  birth, 
he  said,  had  been  in  Chaldea,  in  the  dawn  of  time  ;  and 
that  he  was  the  sole  inheritor  of  the  lost  sciences  and 
mysteries  of  his  own  and  the  Egyptian  race.  He 
spoke  of  his  personal  intimacy  with  all  the  twelve  Apos 
tles —  and  even  the  august  presence  of  the  Savior; 


ADVENTURERS.  357 

and  one  of  his  pretensions  would  have  been  most  singu 
larly  amusing,  had  it  not  bordered  upon  profanity. 
This  was  no  less  an  assertion  than  that  he  had  upon 
several  occasions  remonstrated  with  the  Apostle  Peter 
upon  the  irritability  of  his  temperament  !  In  regard 
to  later  periods  of  history,  he  spoke  with  the  careless 
ease  of  an  every-day  looker  on  ;  and  told  anecdotes  that 
the  researches  of  scholars  afterwards  fully  verified. 
His  predictions  were,  indeed,  most  startling  ;  and  the 
cotemporaneous  evidence  is  very  strong  and  explicit, 
that  he  did  foretell  the  time,  place,  and  manner  of  the 
death  of  Louis  XV,  several  years  before  it  occurred. 
His  gift  of  memory  was  perfectly  amazing.  Having 
once  read  a  journal  of  the  day,  he  could  repeat  its  con 
tents  accurately,  from  beginning  to  end  ;  and  to  this 
endowment  he  united  the  faculty  of  writing  with  both 
hands,  in  characters  like  copperplate.  Thus,  he  could 
indite  a  love-letter  with  his  right  while  he  composed  a 
verse  with  his  left  hand,  and,  apparently,  with  the  ut 
most  facility  —  a  splendid  acquisition  for  the  Treasury 
Department  or  a  literary  newspaper  !  He  would,  how 
ever,  have  been  ineligible  for  any  faithful  Post  Office, 
since  he  read  the  contents  of  sealed  letters  at  a  glance  ; 
and,  by  his  clairvoyant  powers,  detected  crime,  or,  in 
fact,  the  movements  of  men  and  the  phenomena  of  na 
ture,  at  any  distance.  Like  all  the  great  Magi,  nnd 
Brothers  of  the  Rosy  Cross,  of  whom  he  claimed  to  be 
a  shining  light,  he  most  excelled  in  medicine  ;  and 
along  with  remedies  for  "  every  ill  that  flesh  is  heir  to," 
boasted  his  "  Aqua  Benedetta"  as  the  genuine  elixir  of 
life,  capable  of  restoring  youth  to  age,  beauty  and 


358  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

strength  to  decay,  and  brilliant  intellect  to  the  exhaust 
ed  brain  ;  and,  if  properly  applied,  protracting  human 
existence  through  countless  centuries.  As  a  proof  of 
its  virtues,  he  pointed  to  his  own  youthful  appearance, 
and  the  testimony  of  old  men  who  had  seen  him  sixty 
or  seventy  years  earlier,  and  who  declared  that  time 
had  made  no  impression  on  him.  Strangely  enough, 
the  Margrave  of  Anspach,  of  whom  I  shall  presently 
speak,  purchased  what  purported  to  be  the  recipe  of  the 
"  Aqua  Benedetta,"  from  John  Dyke,  the  English 
Consul  at  Leghorn,  towards  the  close  of  the  last  centu 
ry  ;  and  copies  of  it  are  still  preserved  with  religious 
care  and  the  utmost  secrecy  by  certain  noble  families 
in  Berlin  and  Vienna,  where  the  preparation  has  been 
used  (as  they  believe)  with  perfect  success  against  a 
host  of  diseases. 

Still  another  peculiarity  of  the  Count  would  be  high 
ly  advantageous  to  any  of  us,  particularly  at  this  peri 
od  of  high  prices  and  culinary  scarcity.  He  never  ate 
nor  drank  ;  or,  at  least,  he  was  never  seen  to  do  so  ! 
It  is  said  that  boarding  house  regime  in  these  days  is 
rapidly  accustoming  a  considerable  class  of  our  fellow- 
citizens  to  a  similar  condition,  but  I  can  scarcely  be 
lieve  it. 

Again,  the  Count  would  fall  into  cataleptic  swoons, 
which  continued  often  for  hours,  and  even  days;  and, 
during  these  periods,  he  declared  that  he  visited,  in  spir 
it,  the  most  remote  regions  of  the  earth,  and  even  the 
farthest  stars,  and  would  relate,  with  astonishing  power, 
the  scenes  he  there  had  witnessed  ! 

He,   of  course,   laid  claim   to  the  transmutation   of 


ADVENTURERS.  359 

baser  metals  into  gold,  and  stated  that,  in  1755,  while 
on  a  visit  to  India,  to  consult  the  erudition  of  the  Hin 
doo  Brahmins,  he  solved,  by  their  assistance,  the  prob 
lem  of  the  artificial  crystallization  of  pure  carbon —  or, 
in  other  words,  the  production  of  diamonds  !  One 
thing  is  certain,  viz.  :  that  upon  a  visit  to  the  French 
ambassador  to  the  Hague,  in  1780,  he,  in  the  presence 
of  that  functionary,  induced  him  to  believe  and  testify 
that  he  broke  to  pieces,  with  a  hammer,  a  superb  dia 
mond,  of  his  own  manufacture,  the  exact  counterpart 
of  another,  of  similar  origin,  which  he  had  just  sold  for 
5,500  louis  d'or. 

His  career  and  transformations  on  the  Continent 
were  multiform.  In  1762,  he  was  mixed  up  with  the 
dynastic  conspiracies  and  changes  at  St.  Petersburg  ; 
and  his  importance  there  was  indicated  ten  years  later, 
by  the  reception  given  to  him  at  Vienna  by  the  Russian 
Count  Orloff,  who  accosted  him  joyously  as  "  caro  pa 
dre  "  (dear  father,)  and  gave  him  twenty  thousand 
golden  Venetian  sequins. 

From  Petersburg  he  went  to  Berlin,  where  he  at  once 
attracted  the  attention  of  Frederick  the  Great,  who 
questioned  Voltaire  about  him ;  the  latter  replying,  as 
it  is  said,  that  he  was  a  man  who  knew  all  things,  and 
would  live  to  the  end  of  the  world  —  a  fair  statement, 
in  brief,  of  the  position  assumed  by  more  than  one  of 
our  ward  politicians  ! 

In  1774,  he  took  up  his  abode  at  Schwabach,  in  Ger 
many,  under  the  name  of  Count  Tzarogy,  which  is  a 
transposition  of  Ragotzy,  a  well-known  noble  name. 
The  Margrave  of  Anspach  met  him  at  the  house  of  his 


860  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

favorite  Clairon,  the  actress,  and  became  so  fond  of  him, 
that  he  insisted  upon  his  company  to  Italy.  On  his 
return,  he  went  to  Dresden,  Leipzig,  and  Hamburg,  and 
finally  to  Eckernfiorde,  in  Schleswig,  where  he  took  up 
his  residence  with  the  Landgrave  Karl  of  Hesse  ;  and 
at  length,  in  1788,  tired,  as  he  said,  of  life,  and  dis 
daining  any  longer  immortality,  he  gave  up  the  ghost. 

It  was  during  St.  Germain's  residence  in  Schleswig 
that  he  was  visited  by  the  renowned  Cagliostro,  who 
openly  acknowledged  him  as  master,  and  learned  many 
of  his  most  precious  secrets  from  him  —  among  others, 
the  faculty  of  discriminating  the  character  by  the  hand 
writing,  and  of  fascinating  birds,  animals,  and  reptiles. 

To  trace  the  wanderings  of  St.  Germain  is  a  difficult 
task,  as  he  had  innumerable  aliases,  and  often  totally 
disappeared  tor  months  together.  In  Venice,  he  was 
known  as  the  Count  de  BelJamare  ;  at  Pisa,  as  the 
Chevalier  de  Schoening ;  at  Milan,  as  the  Chevalier 
Welldone  ;  at  Genoa,  as  the  Count  Soltikow,  etc. 

In  all  these  journeys,  his  own  personal  tastes  were 
quiet  and  simple,  and  he  manifested  more  attachment 
for  a  pocket-copy  of  Guarini's  "Pastor  Fido  " — his 
only  library  —  than  for  any  other  object  in  his  posses 
sion. 

On  the  whole.,  the  Count  de  St.  Germain  was  a  man 
of  magnificent  attainments,  but  the  use  he  made  of  his 
talents  proved  him  to  be  also  a  most  magnificent  hum 
bug. 


ADVENTURERS.  861 


CHAPTER   XLIII. 
RIZA    BEY,    THE    PERSIAN    ENVOY   TO    LOUIS    XIV. 

The  most  gorgeous,  and  with  one  sole  exception  the 
most  glorious  reign  that  France  has  known,  so  far  as 
military  success  is  concerned,  was  that  of  Louis  XIV, 
the  Grand  Monarque.  His  was  the  age  of  lavish  ex 
penditure,  of  magnificent  structures,  grand  festivals, 
superb  dress  and  equipage,  aristocratic  arrogance,  bril 
liant  campaigns,  and  great  victories.  It  was,  more 
over,  particularly  distinguished  for  the  number  and 
high  character  of  the  various  special  embassies  sent  to 
the  court  of  France  by  foreign  powers.  Among  these, 
Spain,  the  Netherlands,  Great  Britain,  and  Venice  ri 
valed  each  other  in  extravagant  display  and  pomp. 
The  singular  and  really  tangible  imposture  I  am  about 
to  describe,  practiced  at  such  a  period  and  on  such  a 
man  as  Louis  of  France,  was  indeed  a  bold,  and  dashing 
affair. 

"  L'Etat  c'est  moi  "  —  "I  am  the  State,"  was  Louis* 
celebrated  and  very  significant  motto ;  for  in  his  own 
hands  he  had  really  concentrated  all  the  powers  of  the 
realm,  and  woe  to  him  who  trifled  with  a  majesty  so 
real  and  so  imperial ! 

However,  notwithstanding  all  this  imposing  strength, 

this  mighty  domineering  will,  and  this  keen  intelligence, 

a  man  was  found  bold  enough  to  brave  them  all  in  the 

arena  of  pure  humbug.     It  was  toward  the  close  of  the 

16 


362  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

year  1667,  when  Louis,  in  the  plenitude  of  military 
success,  returned  from  his  campaign  in  Flanders,  where 
his  invincible  troops  had  proven  too  much  for  the  broad 
breeched  but  gallant  Dutchmen.  In  the  short  space  of 
three  months  he  had  added  whole  provinces,  including 
some  forty  or  fifty  cities  and  towns,  to  his  dominions  ; 
and  his  fame  was  ringing  throughout  Christendom.  It 
had  even  penetrated  to  the  farthest  East ;  and  the  King 
of  Siam  sent  a  costly  embassy  from  his  remote  kingdom, 
to  offer  his  congratulations  and  fraternal  greeting  to  the 
most  eminent  potentate  of  Europe. 

Louis  had  already  removed  the  pageantries  of  his 
royal  household  to  his  magnificent  new  palace  of  Ver 
sailles,  on  which  the- wealth  of  conquered  kingdoms  had 
been  lavished,  and  there,  in  the  Great  Hall  of  Mirrors,  re 
ceived  the  homage  of  his  own  nobles  and  the  ambassa 
dors  of  foreign  powers.  The  utmost  splendor  of  which 
human  life  was  susceptible  seemed  so  common  and  fa 
miliar  in  those  days,  that  the  train  was  dazzling  indeed 
that  could  excite  any  very  particular  attention.  What 
would  have  seemed  stupendous  elsewhere  was  only  in 
conformity  with  all  the  rest  of  the  scene  at  Versailles. 
But,  at  length,  there  came  something  that  made  even 
the  pampered  courtiers  of  the  new  Babylon  stare  —  a 
Persian  embassy.  Yes,  a  genuine,  actual,  living  envoy 
from  that  wonderful  Empire  in  the  East,  which  in  her 
time  had  ruled  the  whole  Oriental  world,  and  still  re 
tained  almost  fabulous  wealth  and  splendor. 

It  was  announced  formally,  one  morning,  to  Louis, 
that  His  Most  Serene  Excellency,  Riza  Bey,  with  an 
interminable  tail  of  titlejs,  hangers-on  and  equipages, 


ADVENTURERS.  363 

had  reached  the  port  of  Marseilles,  having  journeyed  by 
way  of  Trebizond  and  Constantiople,  to  lay  before  the 
great  "  King  of  the  Franks"  brotherly  congratulations 
and  gorgeous  presents  from  his  own  illustrious  master, 
the  Shah  of  Persia.  This  was  something  entirely  to 
the  taste  of  the  vain  French  ruler,  whom  unlimited  good 
fortune  had  inflated  beyond  all  reasonable  proportions. 
He  firmly  believed  that  he  was  by  far  the  greatest  man 
who  had  ever  lived  ;  and  had  an  embassy  from  the  moon 
or  the  planet  Jupiter  been  announced  to  him,  would 
have  deemed  it  not  only  natural  enough,  but  absolutely 
due  to  his  preeminence  above  all  other  human  beings. 
Nevertheless,  he  was,  secretly,  immensely  pleased  with 
the  Persian  demonstration,  and  gave  orders  that  no  ex 
pense  should  be  spared  in  giving  the  strangers  a  recep 
tion  worthy  of  himself  and  France. 

It  would  be  needless  for  me  to  detail  the  events  of  the 
progress  of  Riza  Bey  from  Marseilles  to  Paris,  by  way 
of  Avignon  and  Lyons.  It  was  certainly  in  keeping 
with  the  pretensions  of  the  Ambassador.  From  town 
to  town  the  progress  was  a  continued  ovation.  Tri 
umphal  arches,  bonfires,  chimes  of  bells,  and  hurrahing 
crowds  in  their  best  bibs  and  tuckers,  military  parades 
and  civic  ceremonies,  everywhere  awaited  the  children 
of  the  farthest  East,  who  were  stared  at.  shouted  at  — 
and  by  some  wretched  cynics  sneered  and  laughed  at  — 
to  their  hearts'  content.  All  modern  glory  very  largely 
consists  in  being  nearly  stunned  with  every  species  of 
noise,  choked  with  dust,  and  dragged  about  through  the 
streets,  until  you  are  well  nigh  dead.  Witness  the 
Japanese  Embassy  and  their  visit  to  this  country,  where, 


364  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

in  some  cases,  the  poor  creatures,  after  hours  of  unmiti 
gated  boring  with  all  sorts  of  mummery,  actually  had 
their  pigtails  pulled  by  Young  America  in  the  rear,  and 
—  as  at  the  windows  of  Wi  Hard's  Hotel  in  Wash  in  or- 

3"? 

ton  —  were  stirred  up  with  long  canes,  like  the  Polar 
Bear  or  the  Learned  Seal. 

Still  Iliza  Bey  and  his  dozen  or  two  of  dusky 
companions  did  not,  by  any  means,  cut  so  splendid  a 
figure  as  had  been  expected.  They  had  with  them 
some  camels,  antelopes,  bulbuls,  and  monkeys  —  like  any 
travelling  caravan,  and  were  dressed  in  the  most  outra 
geous  and  outlandish  attire.  They  jabbered,  too,  a 
gibberish  utterly  incomprehensible  to  the  crowd,  and 
did  everything  that  had  never  been  seen  or  clone  before. 
All  this,  however,  delighted  the  populace.  Had  they 
been  similarly  transmogrified,  or  played  such  queer 
pranks  themselves,  it  would  only  have  been  food  for 
mockery  ;  but  the  foreign  air  and  fame  of  the  thing 
made  it  all  wonderful,  and,  as  the  chief  rogue  in  the 
plot  had  foreseen,  blinded  the  popular  eye  and  made  his 
"  embassy  "  a  complete  success. 

At  length,  after  some  four  weeks  of  slow  progress, 
the  "  Persians  "  arrived  at  Paris,  where  they  were  re 
ceived,  as  had  been  expected,  with  tremendous  eclat. 
They  entered  by  Barrio* re  du  Trcme,  so  styled  because 
it  was  there  that  Louis  Quatorze  himself  had  been  re 
ceived  upon  a  temporary  throne,  set  up,  with  splendid 
decorations  and  triumphal  arches,  in  the  open  air,  when 
he  returned  from  his  Flanders  campaign.  Riza  Bey  was 
upon  this  occasion  a  little  more  splendid  than  he  had 
been  on  his  way  from  the  sea-coast,  and  really  loomed 


ADVENTURERS.  365 

up  in  startling  style  in  his  tall,  black,  rimless  hat  of 
wool,  shaped  precisely  like  an  elongated  flower-pot, 
and  his  silk  robes  dangling  to  his  heels  and  covered 
with  huge  painted  figures  and  bright  metal  decorations 
of  every  shape  and  size  unknown,  to  European  man- 
millinery.  A  circlet  or  collar,  apparently  of  gold,  set 
with  precious  stones  (California  diamonds  !)  surrounded 
his  neck,  and  monstrous  glittering  rings  covered  all  the 
fingers,  and  even  the  thumbs  of  both  his  hands.  His 
train,  consisting  of  sword,  cup,  and  pipe  bearers,  doc 
tors,  chief  cooks,  and  bottle-washers,  cork  extractors 
and  chiropodists  (literally  so,  for  it  seems  that  sharing 
the  common  lot  of  humanity,  great  men  have  corns 
even  in  Persia,)  were  similarly  arrayed  as  to  fashion, 
but  less  stupendously  in  jewelry. 

Well,  after  the  throng  had  scampered,  crowded,  and 
shouted  themselves  hoarse,  and  had  straggled  to  their 
homes,  sufficiently  tired  and  pocket-picked,  the  Ambas 
sador  and  his  suite  were  lodged  in  sumptuous  apartments 
in  the  old  royal  residence  of  the  Tuileries,  under  the 
care  and  charge  of  King  Louis'  own  assistant  Major- 
Domo  and  a  guard  of  courtiers  and  regiments  of  Royal 
Swiss.  Banqueting  and  music  filled  up  the  first  eve 
ning  ;  and  upon  the  ensuing  day  His  Majesty,  who  thus 
did  his  visitors  especial  honor,  sent  the  Due  de  Riche 
lieu,  the  most  polished  courtier  and  diplomatist  in  France, 
to  announce  that  he  would  graciously  receive  them  on 
the  third  evening  at  Versailles. 

O 

Meanwhile  the  most  extensive  preparations  were 
made  for  the  grand  audience  thus  accorded ;  and 
when  the  appointed  occasion  had  arrived,  the  entire 


366  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Gallery  of  Mirrors  with  all  the  adjacent  spaces  and  cor 
ridors,  were  crowded  with  the  beauty,  the  chivalry, 
the  wit,  taste,  and  intellect  of  France  at  that  dazzling 
period.  The  gallery,  which  is  three  hundred  and  eighty 
feet  in  length  by  fifty  in  height,  derives  its  name  from 
the  priceless  mirrors  which  adorn  its  walls,  reaching  from 
floor  to  ceiling,  opposite  the  long  row  of  equally  tall 
and  richly  mullioned  windows  that  look  into  the  great 
court  and  gardens.  These  windows,  hung  with  the 
costliest  silk  curtains  and  adorned  with  superb  histori 
cal  statuary,  give  to  the  hall  a  light  and  aerial  appear 
ance  indescribably  enchanting  ;  while  the  mirrors  reflect 
in  ten  thousand  variations  the  hall  itself  and  its  moving 
pageantry,  rendering  both  apparently  interminable. 
Huge  marble  vases  filled  with  odorous  exotics  lined  the 
stairways,  and  twelve  thousand  wax  lights  in  gilded 
brackets,  and  chandeliers  of  the  richest  workmanship, 
shone  upon  three  thousand  titled  heads. 

Louis  the  Great  himself  never  appeared  to  finer  ad 
vantage.  His  truly  royal  countenance  was  lighted  up 
with  pride  and  satisfaction  as  the  Envoy  of  the  haughty 
Oriental  king  approached  the  splendid  throne  on  which 
he  sat,  and  as  he  descended  a  step  to  meet  him  and 
'stood  there  in  his  magnificent  robes  of  state,  the  Per 
sian  envoy  bent  the  knee,  and  with  uncovered  head  pre 
sented  the  credentials  of  his  mission.  Of  the  crowd 
that  immediately  surrounded  the  throne,  it  is  something 
to  say  that  the  Grand  Colbert,  the  famous  Minister, 
and  the  Admiral  Duquesne  were  by  no  means  the  most 
eminent,  nor  the  lovely  Duchess  of  Orleans  and  her 
companion,  the  bewitching  Mademoiselle  de  Kerouaille, 


ADVENTURERS.  367 

who  afterward  changed  the  policy  of  Charles  II,  of  Eng 
land,  by  no  means  the  most  beautiful  personages  in  the 
galaxy. 

A  grand  ball  and  supper  concluded  this  night  of 
splendor,  and  Riza  Bey  was>  fairly  launched  at  the 
French  court ;  every  member  of  which,  to  please  the 
King,  tried  to  outvie  his  compeers  in  the  assiduity  of 
his  attentions,  and  the  value  of  the  books,  pictures, 
gems,  equipages,  arms,  &c,  which  they  heaped  upon  the 
illustrious  Persian.  The  latter  gentleman  very  quietly 
smoked  his  pipe  and  lounged  on  his  divan  before  com 
pany,  and  diligently  packed  up  the  goods  when  he  and 
his  "jolly  companions  "  were  left  alone.  The  presents 
of  the  Shah  had  not  yet  arrived,  but  were  daily  expect 
ed  via  Marseilles,  and  from  time  to  time  the  olive-colored 
suite  was  diminished  by  the  departure  of  one  of  the 
number  with  his  chest  on  a  special  mission  (so  stated) 
to  England,  Austria,  Portugal,  Spain,  and  other  Euro 
pean  powers. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Bey  was  feted  in  all  directions, 
with  every  species  of  entertainment,  and  it  was  whis 
pered  that  the  fair  ones  of  that  dissolute  court  were, 
from  the  first,  eager  in  the  bestowal  of  their  smiles. 
The  King  favored  his  Persian  pet  with  numerous  per 
sonal  interviews,  at  which,  in  broken  French,  the  En 
voy  unfolded  the  most  imposing  schemes  of  Oriental 
conquest  and  commerce  that  his  master  was  cordially 
willing  to  share  with  his  great  brother  of  France.  At 
one  of  these  chatty  tete-4-tetes,  the  munificent  Riza 
Bey,  upon  whom  the  King  had  already  conferred  his 
own  portrait  set  in  diamonds,  and  other  gifts  worth  sev- 


368  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

eral  millions  of  francs,  placed  in  the  Royal  hand  seve- 
eral  superb  fragments  of  opal  and  turquoise  said  to 
have  been  found  in  a  district  of  country  bordering  on 
the  Caspian  sea,  which  teemed  with  limitless  treasures 
of  the  same  kind,  and  which  the  Shah  of  Persia  pro 
posed  to  divide  with  France  for  the  honor  of  her  alli 
ance.  The  king  was  enchanted  ;  for  these  mere  speci 
mens,  as  they  were  deemed,  must,  if  genuine,  be  worth 
in  themselves  a  mint  of  money  ;  and  a  province  full  of 
such  —  why,  the  thought  was  charming  ! 

Thus  the  great  King-fish  was  fairly  hooked,  and 
Riza  Bey  could  take  his  time.  The  golden  tide  that 
flowed  in  to  him  did  not  slacken,  and  his  own  expenses 
were  all  provided  for  at  the  Tuileries.  The  only  thing 
remaining  to  be  done  was  a  grand  foray  on  the  tradesmen 
of  Paris,  and  this  was  splendidly  executed.  The  most 
exquisite  wares  of  all  descriptions  were  gathered  in, 
without  mention  of  payment;  and  one  by  one  the  Per 
sian  phalanx  distributed  itself  through  Europe  until 
only  two  or  three  were  left  with  the  Ambassador. 

At  length,  word  was  sent  to  Versailles  that  the  gifts 
from  the  Shah  had  come,  and  a  day  was  appointed  for 
their  presentation.  The  day  arrived,  and  the  Hall  of 
Audience  was  again  thrown  open.  All  was  jubilee ; 
the  King  and  the  court  waited,  but  no  Persian  —  no 
Riza  Rey  —  no  presents  from  the  Shah  ! 

That  morning  three  men,  without  either  caftans  or 
robes,  but  very  much  resembling  the  blacklegs  of  the 
day  in  their  attire  and  deportment,  had  left  the  Tuiler 
ies  at  daylight  with  a  bag  and  a  bundle,  and  returned 
no  more.  They  were  Riza  Bey  and  his  last  body-guard  ; 


ADVENTURERS.  369 

the  bag*  and  the  bundle  were  the  smallest  in  bulk  but 
the  most  precious  in  value  of  a  month's  successful  plun 
der.  The  turquoises  and  opals  left  with  the  King 
turned  out,  upon  close  inspection,  to  be  a  new  and  very 
ingenious  variety  of  colored  glass,  now  common  enough* 
and  then  worth,  if  anything,  about  thirty  cents  in  cash. 

Of  course,  a  hue  and  cry  was  raised  in  all  directions, 
but  totally  in  vain.  Riza  Bey,  the  Persian  Shah,  and 
the  gentlemen  in  flower-pots,  had  "  gone  glimmering 
through  the  dream  of  things  that  were."  L'etat  c'est 
moi  had  been  sold  for  thirty  cents  !  It  was  afterward 
believed  that  a  noted  barber  and  suspected  bandit  at 
Leghorn,  who  had  once  really  traveled  in  Persia,  and 
there  picked  up  the  knowledge  and  the  ready  money 
that  served  his  turn,  was  the  perpetrator  of  this  pretty 
joke  and  speculation,  as  he  disappeared  from  his  native 
city  about  the  time  of  the  embassy  in  France,  and  did 
not  return. 

All  Europe  laughed  heartily  at  the  Grand  Monarque 
and  his  fair  court-dames,  and  "  An  Embassy  from  Per 
sia  "  was  for  many  years  thereafter  an  expression  sim 
ilar  to  "  Walker  !  "  in  English,  or  "  Buncombe  !  "  in 
American  conversation,  when  the  party  using  it  seeks  to 
intimate  that  the  color  of  his  optics  is  not  a  distinct  pea- 


green  ! 


16* 


IX.    RELIGIOUS  HUMBUGS. 

CHAPTER  XLIV. 

DIAMOND    CUT  DIAMOND  ;    OR,  YANKEE  SUPERSTITIONS. 

MATTHIAS       THE      IMPOSTOR.  NEW      YORK     FOLLIES 

THIRTY   YEARS    AGO. 

There  is  a  story  that  on  a  great  and  solemn  public 
occasion  of  the  Romish  Church,  a  Pope  and  a  Cardinal 
were,  with  long  faces,  performing  some  of  the  gyrations 
of  the  occasion,  when,  instead  of  a  pious  ejaculation  and 
reply,  which  were  down  in  the  programme,  one  said  to 
the  other  gravely,  in  Latin  "  mundus  vult  decipi;"  and 
the  other  replied,  with  equal  gravity  and  learning, 
"  decipiatur  ergo  :  "  that  is,  "  All  the  world  chooses  to 
be  fooled."  —  "  Let  it  be  fooled  then." 

This  seems,  perhaps,  a  reasonable  way  for  priests  to 
talk  about  ignorant  Italians.  It  may  seem  inapplicable 
to  cool,  sharp,  school-trained  Protestant  Yankees.  It 
is  not,  however — at  least,  not  entirely.  Intelligent 
Northerners  have,  sometimes,  superstition  enough  in 
them  to  make  a  first-class  Popish  saint.  If  it  had  not 
been  so,  I  should  not  have  such  an  absurd  religious 
humbug  to  tell  of  as  Robert  Matthews,  notorious  in 
our  goodly  city  some  thirty  years  ago  as  "  Matthias, 
the  Impostor." 

In  the  summer  of  1832,  there  was  often  seen  riding 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  371 

in  Broadway,  in  a  handsome  barouche,  or  promenading 
on  the  Battery  (usually  attended  by  a  sort  of  friend 
or  servant,)  a  tall  man,  of  some  forty  years  of  age, 
quite  thin,  with  sunken,  sharp  gray  eyes,  with  long, 
coarse,  brown  and  gray  hair,  parted  in  the  middle  and 
curling  on  his  shoulders,  and  a  long  and  coarse  but  well- 
tended  beard  and  mustache.  These  Esau-like  adorn 
ments  attracted  much  attention  in  those  close-shaving 
days.  He  was  commonly  dressed  in  a  fine  green  frock- 
coat,  lined  with  white  or  pink  satin,  black  or  green  pan 
taloon  s,  with  polished  Wellington  boots  drawn  on  out 
side,  fine  cambric  ruffles  and  frill,  and  a  crimson  silk 
sash  worked  with  gold  and  with  twelve  tassels,  for  the 
twelve  tribes  of  Israel.  On  his  head  was  a  steeple- 
crowned  patent-leather  shining  black  cap  with  a  shade. 
Thus  bedizened,  this  fantastic-looking  personage 
marched  gravely  up  and  down,  or  rode  in  pomp  in  the 
streets.  Sometimes  he  lounged  in  a  bookstore  or  other 
place  of  semi-public  resort ;  and  in  such  places  he  often 
preached  or  exhorted.  His  preachments  were  sufficient 
ly  horrible.  He  claimed  to  be  God  the  Father ;  and 
his  doctrine  was,  in  substance,  this  :  —  "  The  true  king 
dom  of  God  on  earth  began  in  Albany  in  June  1880, 
and  will  be  completed  in  twenty-one  years,  or  by  1851. 
During  this  time,  wars  are  to  stop,  and  I,  Matthias,  am 
to  execute  the  divine  judgments  and  destroy  the  wicked. 
The  day  of  grace  is  to  close  on  December  1,  1836  ; 
and  all  who  do  not  begin  to  reform  by  that  time,  I  shall 
kill."  The  discourses  by  which  this  blasphemous 
humbug  supported  his  pretensions  were  a  hodge-podge 
of  impiety  and  utter  nonsense,  with  rants,  curses  and 


372  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

cries,  and  frightful  threats  against  all  objectors.  Here 
is  a  passage  from  one ;  —  "  All  who  eat  swine's  flesh 
are  of  the  devil ;  and  just  as  certain  as  he  eats  it  lie 
will  tell  a  lie  in  less  than  half  an  hour.  If  you  eat  a 
piece  of  pork,  it  will  go  crooked  through  you,  and  the 
Holy  Ghost  will  not  stay  in  you  ;  but  one  or  the  other 
must  leave  the  house  pretty  soon.  The  pork  will  be  as 
crooked  in  you  as  rams'  horns."  Again,  he  made  these 
pleasant  points  about  the  ladies :  "  They  who  teach 
women  are  of  the  wicked.  All  females  who  lecture 
their  husbands  their  sentence  is  :  4  Depart,  ye  wicked, 
I  know  you  not/  Everything  that  has  the  smell  of 
woman  will  be  destroyed.  Woman  is  the  cap-sheaf  of 
the  abomination  of  desolation,  full  of  all  deviltry." 
There,  ladies  !  Is  anything  further  necessary  to  con 
vince  you  what  a  peculiarly  wicked  and  horrible  hum 
bug  this  fellow  was  ? 

If  we  had  followed  this  impostor  home,  we  should  have 
found  him  lodged,  during  most  of  his  stay  in  New- York 
city,  with  one  or  the  other  of  his  three  chief  disciples. 
These  were  Pierson,  who  commonly  attended  him 
abroad,  Folger,  and  —  for  a  time  only  —  Mills.  All 
three  of  these  men  were  wealthy  merchants.  In  their 
handsome  and  luxuriously-furnished  homes,  this  noxious 
humbug  occupied  the  best  rooms,  and  controlled  the 
whole  establishment,  directing  the  marketing,  meal 
times,  and  all  other  household-matters,  Master,  mistress 
(in  Mr.  Folger's  home,)  and  domestics  were  disciples, 
and  obeyed  the  scamp  with  an  implicitness  and  prostrate 
humility  even  more  melancholy  than  absurd,  both  as  to 
housekeeping  and  as  to  the  ceremonies,  washing  of  feet, 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  373 

etc., which  he  enjoined.  When  he  was  angry  with  his  fe 
male  disciples,  he  frequently  whipped  them  ;  but,  being 
a  monstrous  coward,  he  never  tried  it  on  a  man.  The 
least  opposition  or  contradiction  threw  him  into  a  great 
rage,  and  set  him  screaming,  and  cursing,  and  gesticula 
ting  like  any  street  drab.  When  he  wished  more  clothes, 
which  was  pretty  often,  one  of  his  dupes  furnished  the 
money.  .  When  he  wanted  casli  for  any  purpose  in 
deed,  they  gave  it  him. 

This  half-crazy  knave  and  abominable  humbug  was 
Robert  Matthews,  who  called  himself  Matthias.  He 
was  of  Scotch  descent,  and  born  about  1790,  in  Wash 
ington  county,  New  York  ;  and  his  blood  was  tainted 
with  insanity,  for  a  brother  of  his  died  a  lunatic.  He 
was  a  carpenter  and  joiner  of  uncommon  skill,  and  up 
to  nearly  his  fortieth  year  lived,  on  the  whole,  a  useful 
and  respectable  life,  being  industrious,  a  professing 
Christian  of  good  standing,  and  (having  married  in 
1813)  a  steady  family-man.  In  1823  and  1829,  while 
living  at  Albany,  he  gradually  became  excited  about  re 
ligious  subjects;  his  first  morbid  symptoms  appearing 
after  hearing  some  sermons  by  Rev.  E.  N.  Kirk,  and 
Mr.  Finney  the  revivalist.  He  soon  began  to  exhort 
his  fellow-journeymen  instead  of  minding  his  work,  so 
uproariously  that  his  employer  turned  him  away. 

He  discovered  a  text  in  the  Bible  that  forbid  Chris 
tians  to  shave.  He  let  his  hair  and  beard  grow  ;  began 
street-preaching  in  a  noisy,  brawling  style  ;  announced 
that  he  was  going  to  set  about  converting  the  whole 
city  of  Albany  —  which  needed  it  badly  enough,  if  we 
may  believe  the  political  gentlemen.  Finding  however, 


371  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

that  the  Lobby,  or  the  Regency,  or  something  or  othei 
about  the  peculiar  wickedness  of  Albany,  was  altogether 
too  much  for  him,  he  began,  like  Jonah  at  Nineveh,  to 
announce  the  destruction  of  the  obstinate  town  ;  and  at 
midnight,  one  night  in  June,  1826,  he  waked  up  his 
household,  and  saying  that  Albany  was  to  be  destroyed 
next  day,  took  his  three  little  boys  —  two,  four,  .and 
six  years  old  —  his  wife  and  oldest  child  (a  daughter  re 
fusing  to  go,)  and  "  fled  to  the  mountains."  He  actu 
ally  walked  the  poor  little  fellows  fort}'  miles  in  twenty- 
four  hours,  to  his  sister's  in  Washington  county.  Here 
lie  was  reckoned  raving  crazy ;  was  forcibly  turned 
out  of  church  for  one  of  his  brawling  interruptions  of 
service,  and  sent  back  to  Albany,  where  he  resumed 
his  street-preaching  more  noisily  than  ever.  He  now 
began  to  call  himself  Matthias,  and  claimed  to  be  a 
Jew.  Then  he  went  on  a  long  journey  to  the  Western 
and  Southern  States,  preaching  his  doctrines,  getting  in 
to  jail,  and  sometimes  fairly  cursing  his  way  out  ;  and, 
returning  to  New  York  city,  preached  up  and  down 
the  streets  in  his  crazy,  bawling  fashion,  sometimes  on 
foot  and  sometimes  on  an  old  bony  horse. 

His  New  York  city  dupes,  Elijah  Pierson  and  Ben 
jamin  H.  Folger  and  their  families,  together  with  a  Mr. 
Mills  and  a  few  more,  figured  prominently  in  the  chief 
chapter  of  Matthews'  career,  during  two  years  and  a 
half,  from  May,  1832,  to  the  fall  of  1834. 

Pierson  and  Folger  were  the  leaders  in  the  folly. 
These  men,  merchants  of  wealth  and  successful  in 
business,  were  of  that  sensitive  and  impressible  religious 
nature  which  is  peculiarly  credulous  and  liable  to  enthu- 


RELIGIOUS   HUMBUGS.  375 

siams  and  delusions.  They  had  been,  with  a  number  of 
other  persons,  eagerly  engaged  in  some  extravagant  re 
ligious  performances,  including  excessive  fasts  and  ascet- 
isms,  and  a  plan,  formed  by  one  of  their  lady  friends, 
to  convert  all  New  York  by  a  system  of  female  visit 
ations  and  preachings  —  a  plan  not  so  very  foolish,  I 
may  just  remark,  if  the  she  apostles  are  only  pretty 
enough ! 

O 

Pierson,  the  craziest  of  the  crew,  besides  other  wretch 
ed  delusions,  had  already  fancied  himself  Elijah  the 
Tishbite  ;  and  when  his  wife  fell  ill  and  died  a  little 
while  before  this  time,  had  first  tried  to  cure  her,  and 
then  to  raise  her  from  the  dead,  by  anointing  with  oil 
and  by  the  prayer  of  faith,  as  mentioned  in  the  Epistle 
of  Saint  James. 

Curiously  enough,  a  sort  of  lair  or  nest,  very  soft 
and  comfortable,  was  thus  made  ready  for  our  religious 
humbug,  just  as  he  wanted  it  worst ;  for  in  these  days 
he  was  but  seedy.  He  heard  something  of  Pierson,  I 
don't  know  how ;  and  on  the  5th  of  May,  1832,  he  call 
ed  on  him.  Very  quickly  the  poor  fellow  recognized 
the  long-bearded  prophetical  humbug  as  all  that  he 
claimed  to  be  —  a  possessor  and  teacher  of  all  truth, 
and  as  God  himself. 

Mills  and  Folger  easily  fell  into  the  same  pitiable 
foolery,  on  Pierson's  introduction.  And  the  lucky 
humbug  was  verv  soon  living  in  clover  in  Mills'  house, 
which  he  chose  first ;  had  admitted  the  happy  fools, 
Pierson  and  Folger,  as  the  first  two  members  of  his 
true  church ;  'Pierson,  believing  that  from  Elijah  the 
Tishbite  he  had  become  John  the  Baptist,  devoted  him- 


376  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

self  as  a  kind  of  servant  to  his  new  Messiah  ;  and  the 
deluded  men  began  to  supply  all  the  temporal  wants  of 
the  impostor,  believing  their  estates  set  apart  as  the  be 
ginning  of  the  material  Kingdom  of  God  ! 

After  three  months,  some  of  Mills'  friends,  on  charg 
es  of  lunacy,  caused  Mills  to  be  sent  to  Bloomingdale 
Asylum,  and  Matthias  to  be  thrust  into  the  insane  poor's 
ward  at  Bellevue,  where  his  beard  was  forcibly  cut  off, 
to  his  extreme  disgust.  His  brother,  however,  got  him 
out  by  a  habeas  corpus,  and  he  went  to  live  with  Folger. 
Mills  now  disappears  from  the  story. 

Matthias  remained  in  the  full  enjoyment  of  his  luxu 
rious  establishment,  until  September,  1834,  it  is  true, 
with  a  few  uncomfortable  interruptions.  He  was  al 
ways  both  insolent  and  cowardly,  and  thus  often  irritat 
ed  some  strong-minded  auditor,  and  got  himself  into 
some  pickle  where  he  had  to  sneak  out,  which  he  did 
with  much  ease.  In  his  seedy  days  the  landlord  of  a 
hotel  in  whose  bar-room  he  used  to  preach  and  curse,  put 
him  down  when  he  grew  too  abusive,  by  coolly  and  stern 
ly  telling  him  to  go  to  bed.  Mr.  Folger  himself  had  one 
or  two  brief  intervals  of  sense,  in  one  of  which,  angered 
at  some  insolence  of  Matthias,  he  seized  him  by  the 
throat,  shook  him  well,  and  flung  him  down  upon  a 
sofa.  The  humbug  knowing  that  his  living  was  in 
danger,  took  this  very  mildly,  and  readily  accepted  the 
'renewed  assurances  of  belief  which  poor  Folger  soon 
gave  him.  In  the  village  of  Sing  Sing  where  Folger 
had  a  country-seat  which  he  called  Mount  Zion,  Mat 
thias  was  exceedingly  obnoxious.  His  daughter  had 
married  a  Mr.  Laisdell ;  and  the  humbug,  who  claimed 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  377 

that  all  Christian  marriages  were  void  and  wicked,  by 
some  means  induced  the  young  wife  to  come  to  Sing  Sing, 
where  he  whipped  her  more  than  once  quite  cruelly. 
Her  husband  came  and  took  her  away  after  encounter 
ing  all  the  difficulty  which  Matthias  dared  make;  and, 
at  a  hearing  in  the  matter  before  a  magistrate,  lie  was 
very  near  getting  tarred  and  feathered,  if  not  something 
worse,  and  the  danger  frightened  him  very  much. 

He  barely  escaped  being  shaved  by  violence,  and  being 
thrown  overboard  to  test  his  asserted  miraculous  powers, 
at  the  hands  of  a  stout  and  incredulous  farmer  on  the 
steamboat  between  Sing  Sing  and  New  York.  While 
imprisoned  at  Bellevue  before  his  trial,  he  was  tossed  in 
a  blanket  by  the  prisoners,  to  make  him  give  them  some 
money.  The  unlucky  prophet  dealt  out  damnation  to 
them  in  great  quantities ;  but  they  told  him  it  wouldn't 
work,  and  the  poor  humbug  finally,  instead  of  casting 
them  into  hell,  paid  them  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  apiece  to 
let  him  off.  When  he  was  about  to  leave  Folger's  house, 
some  roguish  young  men  of  Sing  Sing  forged  a  warrant, 
and  with  a  counterfeit  officer  seized  the  humbug,  and  a 
second  time  shaved  him  by  force.  Pie  was  one  day 
terribly  "  set  back  "  as  the  phrase  is,  by  a  sharpish  an 
swer.  He  gravely  asserted  to  a  certain  man  that  he  had 
been  on  the  earth  eighteen  hundred  years.  His  hearer, 
startled  and  irreverent,  exclaimed  : 

u  The  devil  you  have  !     Do  you  tell  me  so  ?  " 

"  I  do,"  said  the  prophet. 

"  Then,"  rejoined  the  other,  "  all  I  have  to  say  is,  you 
are  a  remarkably  good-looking  fellow  for  one  of  your 
age." 


378  HUMBUGS    OF   THE    WORLD. 

The  confounded  prophet  grinned,  scowled,  and  ex 
claimed  indignantly  : 

"  You  are  a  devil,  Sir  !  "  and  marched  off. 

In  the  beginning  of  August,  1834,  the  unhappy 
Pierson  died  in  Folger's  house,  under  circumstances 
amounting  to  strong  circumstantial  evidence  that  Mat 
thias,  with  the  help  of  the  colored  cook,  an  enthusiastic 
disciple,  had  poisoned  him  with  arsenic.  The  rascal 
pretended  that  his  own  curse  had  slain  Pierson.  There 
was  a  post  mortem,  an  indictment,  and  a  trial,  but  the 
evidence  was  not  strong  enough  for  conviction.  Being 
acquitted,  he  was  at  once  tried  again  for  an  assault  and 
battery  on  his  daughter  by  the  aforesaid  whippings  ;  and 
on  this  charge  he  was  found  guilty  and  sent  to  the  coun 
ty  jail  for  three  months,  in  April,  1835.  The  trial  for 
murder  was  just  before  —  the  prophet  having  lain  in 
prison  since  his  apprehension  for  murder  in  the  preced 
ing  autumn.  Mr.  Folger's  delusion  had  pretty  much 
disappeared  by  the  end  of  the  summer  of  1834.  He 
had  now  become  ruined,  partly  in  consequence  of  fool 
ish  speculations  jointly  with  Pierson,  believed  to  be 
conducted  under  Divine  guidance,  and  partly  because 
his  strange  conduct  destroyed  his  business  reputation 
and  standing.  The  death  of  Pierson,  and  some  very 
queer  matters  about  another  apparent  poisoning-trick, 
awakened  the  suspicions  of  the  Folgers  ;  and  after  a 
good  deal  of  scolding  and  trouble  with  the  impostor, 
who  hung  on  to  his  comfortable  home  like  a  good  follow, 
Folorer  finallv  turned  him  out,  and  then  had  him  taken 
up  for  swindling.  He  had  been  too  foolish  himself,  how 
ever,  to  maintain  this  charge ;  but,  shortly  after,  the 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  379 

others,  for  murder  and  assault,  followed,  with  a  little  bet 
ter  success. 

This  imprisonment  seems  to  have  put  a  sudden  and 
final  period  to  the  prophetical  and  religious  operations 
of  Master  Matthias,  and  to  the  follies  of  his  victims,  too. 
I  know  of  no  subsequent  developments  of  either  kind. 
Matthias  disappears  from  public  life,  and  died,  it  is  said, 
in  Arkansas  ;  but  when,  or  after  what  further  career,  I 
don't  know.  He  was  a  shallow  knave,  and  undoubt 
edly  also  partly  crazy  and  partly  the  dupe  of  his  own 
nonsense.  If  he  had  not  so  opportunely  found  victims 
of  good  standing,  he  would  not  have  been  remembered 
at  all,  except  as  George  Mnnday,  the  "  hatless  proph 
et,"  and  "  Angel  Gabriel  Orr,"  are  remembered  —  as 
one  more  obscure,  crazy  street-preacher.  And  as  soon 
as  his  accidental  supports  of  other  people's  money  and 
enthusiasm  failed  him,  he  disappeared  at  once.  Many 
of  my  readers  will  remember  distinctly,  as  I  do,  the  re 
markable  career  of  this  man,  and  the  humiliating  posi 
tion  in  which  his  victims  were  placed.  In  the  face  of 
such  an  exposition  as  this  of  the  weakness  and  credulity 
of  poor  human  nature  in  this  enlightened  country  of 
common  schools  and  colleges,  in  the  boasted  wide 
awake  nineteenth  century,  who  shall  deny  that  we  can 
study  with  interest  and  profit  the  history  of  impositions 
which  have  been  practiced  upon  mankind  in  every  pos 
sible  phase  throughout  every  age  of  the  world,  includ 
ing  the  age  in  which  we  live  ?  There  is  literally  no  end 
to  these  humbugs  ;  and  the  reader  of  these  pages, 
weak  as  may  be  my  attempts  to  do  the  subject  jus 
tice,  will  learn  that  there  is  no  country,  no  period,  and 


380  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

no  sphere  in  life  which  has  not  been  impiously  invaded 
by  the  genius  of  humbug,  under  more  disguises  and  in 
more  shapes  than  it  has  entered  into  the  heart  of  man 
to  conceive. 


CHAPTER    XLV. 

A  RELIGIOUS  HUMBUG    ON  JOHN    BULL. JOANNA    SOUTH- 

COTT. THE  SECOND  SHILOH. 

Joanna  Southcott  was  born  at  St.  Mary's  Ottery 
in  Devonshire,  about  the  year  1750.  She  was  a  plain, 
stout-limbed,  hard-fisted  farmer  lass,  whose  toils  in  the 
field  —  for  her  father  was  in  but  very  moderate  circum 
stances —  had  tawned  her  complexion  and  hardened 
her  muscles,  at  an  early  age.  As  she  grew  toward  wo 
man's  estate,  necessity  compelled  her  to  leave  her  home 
and  seek  service  in  the  city  of  Exeter,  where  for  many 
years,  she  plodded  on  very  quietly  in  her  obscure  path, 
first,  as  a  domestic  hireling,  and  subsequently  as  a  wash 
er  woman. 

I  have  an  old  and  esteemed  friend  on  Staten  Island 
whose  father,  still  living,  recollects  Joanna  well,  as  she 
used  to  come  regularly  to  his  house  of  a  Monday  morn 
ing,  to  her  task  of  cleansing  the  family  linen.  He 
was  then  but  a  little  lad,  yet  he  remembers  her  quite 
well,  with  her  stout,  robust  frame,  and  buxom  and  rath 
er  attractive  countenance,  and  her  queer  ways.  Even 
then  she  was  beginning  to  invite  attention  by  her  singu 
lar  manners  and  discourse,  which  led  many  to  believe 
her  demented. 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  381 

It  was  at  Exeter  that  Joanna  became  religiously  im 
pressed,  and  joined  the  Wesleyan  Methodists,  as  a  strict 
and  extreme  believer  in  the  doctrines  of  that  sect. 
During  her  attendance  upon  the  Wesleyan  rites,  she 
became  intimate  with  one  Sanderson,  who,  whether  a 
designing  rogue,  or  only  a  very  fanatical  believer,  pre 
tended  that  he  had  discovered  in  the  good  washerwoman 
a  Bible  prodigy ;  and  it  was  not  long  before  the  poor 
creature  began  literally,  to  "  see  sights  "  and  dream 
dreams  of  the  most  preternatural  description,  for  which 
Sanderson  always  had  ready  some  very  telling  intepre- 
tation.  Her  visions  were  of  the  most  thoroughly  u  mix 
ed  "  character  withal,  sometimes  transporting  her  to  the 
courts  of  heaven,  and  sometimes  to  a  very  opposite  re 
gion,  celebrated  for  its  latent  and  active  caloric.  When 
she  ranged  into  the  lower  world,  she  had  a  very  un 
pleasant  habit  of  seeing  sundry,  scoffers  and  unbelievers 
(in  herself)  belonging  to  the  congregation,  in  very  close 
but  disadvantageous  intercourse  with  the  Evil  One,  who 
was  represented  as  having  a  particular  eye  to  others 
around  her,  even  while  they  laid  claim  to  special  piety. 
Of  course,  such  revelations  as  these  could  not  be  toler 
ated  in  any  well  regulated  community,  and  when  some 
most  astounding  religious  gymnastics  performed  by 
Joanna  in  the  midst  of  prayers  and  sermons,  occurred 
to  heap  up  the  measure  of  her  offences,  it  became  full 
time  to  take  the  matter  in  hand,  and  the  prophetess  was 
expelled.  Now,  those  whom  she  had  not  served  up 
openly  with  brimstone,  agreeing  with  her  about  those 
whom  she  had  thus  "  cooked,"  and  delighted  at.  their 
own  exemption  from  that 'sort  of  dressing,  seceded  in 


382  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WOULD. 

considerable  numbers,  and  became  Joanna's  followers. 
This  gave  her  a  nucleus  to  work  upon,  and  between 
1790  and  1800,  she  managed  to  make  herself  known 
throughout  Britain,  proclaiming  that  she  was  to  be  the 
destined  Mother  of  the  Second  Messiah,  and  although 
originally  quite  illiterate,  picking  up  enough  general  in 
formation  and  Bible  lore,  to  facilitate  her  publication  of 
several  very  curious,  though  sometimes  incoherent 
works.  One  of  the  earliest  and  most  startling  of  these 
was  her  "Warning  to  the  whole  World,  from  the  Seal 
ed  Prophecies  of  Joanna  Southcott,  and  other  commu 
nications  given  since  the  writings  were  opened  on  the 
12th  of  January,  1803."  This  foretold  the  close 
approach  of  the  great  red  dragon  of  the  Revelations, 
"  with  seven  heads  and  ten  horns,  and  seven  crowns 
upon  his  heads,"  and  the  birth  of  the  "  man-child  who 
was  to  rule  all  nations  with  a  rod  of  iron." 

In  1805,  a  shoemaker  named  Tozer  built  her  a  chap 
el  in  Exeter  at  his  own  expense,  and  it  was,  from  the 
first,  constantly  rilled  on  service-days  with  eager  wor 
shipers.  Here  she  gave  exhortations,  and  prophesied  in 
a  species  of  religious  frenzy  or  convulsion,  sometimes 
uttering  very  heavy  prose,  and  sometimes  the  most  fear 
ful  doggrel  rhyme  resembling  —  well  —  perhaps  our  al 
bum  effusions  here  at  home  !  Indeed,  I  can  think 
of  nothing  else  equally  fearful.  In  these  paroxysms, 
Joanna  raved  like  an  ancient  Pythoness  whirling  on  her 
tripod,  and  to  just  about  the  same  purpose.  Yet,  it  was 
astonishing  to  see  how  the  thing  went  down.  Crowds 
of  intelligent  people  came  from  all  parts  of  the  United 
Kingdom  to  listen,  be  converted,  and  to  receive  the 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  383 

"  seals"  (as  they  were  called)  that  secured  their  fortu 
nate  possessor  unimpeded  and  immediate  admission  to 
heaven.  Of  course,  tickets  so  precious  could  not  be  giv 
en  away  for  nothing,  and  the  seal  trade  in  this  new 
form  proved  very  lucrative. 

The  most  remarkable  of  all  these  conversions  was 
that  of  the  celebrated  engraver,  William  Sharp,  who, 
notwithstanding  his  eminent  position  as  an  artist,  by  no 
means  bore  out  his  name  in  other  things.  He  had 
previouslv  become  thoroughly  imbued  with  the  notions  of 
Swedenborg,  Mesmer,  and  the  famous  Richard  Broth 
ers,  and  was  quite  ripe  for  anything  fantastic.  Such  a 
convert  was  a  perfect  godsend  to  Joanna,  and  she  was 
easily  persuaded  to  accompany  him  to  London,  where 
her  congregations  rapidly  increased  to  enormous  pro 
portions,  even  rivaling  those  now  summoned  by  the 
"  drum  ecclesiastical"  and  orthodox  of  the  Rev.  Mr. 
Spurgeon. 

The  whole  sect  extended  until,  in  1813,  it  numbered 
no  less  than  one  hundred  thousand  members,  signed  and 
"  sealed  "  —  Mr.  Sharp  occupying  a  most  conspicuous 
position  at  the  very  footstool  of  the  Prophetess.  Late 
in  1813,  appeared  the  "  Book  of  Wonders,"  "  in  five 
parts,"  and  it  was  a  clincher.  Poor  Sharp  came  in 
largely  for  the  expenses,  but  valiantly  stood  his  ground 
against  it  all.  At  length,  in  1814,  the  great  Joanna 
dazzled  the  eyes  of  her  adherents  and  the  world  at  large 
with  her  "  Prophecies  concerning  the  Prince  of  Peace." 
This  delectable  manifesto  flatly  announced  to  mankind 
that  the  second  Shiloh.  so  long  expected,  would  be  born 
of  the  Prophetess  at  midnight,  on  October  19,  in  that 


384  HUMBUGS    OF   THE   WORLD. 

same  year,  i.  e.  1814.  The  inspired  writer  was  then 
enceinte,  although  a  virgin,  as  she  expressly  and  solemn 
ly  declared,  and  in  the  sixty-fourth  year  of  her  age. 
Among  the  other  preternatural  concomitants  of  this 
anticipated  eventful  birth,  was  the  fact  that  the  period 
of  her  pregnancy  had  lasted  for  several  years. 

Of  course,  this  stupendous  announcement  threw  the 
whole  sect  into  ecstasies  of  religious  exultation  ;  while, 
on  the  other  hand,  it  afforded  a  fruitful  subject  of  ridi 
cule  for  the  utterly  irreverent  London  pamphleteers. 
Poor  Sharp,  who  had  caused  a  magnificent  cradle  and 
baby-wardrobe  to  be  got  ready  at  his  own  expense,  was 
most  unmercifully  scored.  The  infant  was  caricatured 
with  a  long  gray  beard  and  spectacles,  with  Sharp  in  a 
duster  carefully  rocking  him  to  sleep,  while  Joanna  the 
Prophetess  treated  the  engraver  to  some  "  cuts  "  in  her 
own  style,  with  a  bunch  of  twigs. 

On  the  appointed  night,  the  street  in  which  Joanna 
lived  was  thronged  with  the  faithful,  who,  undeterred 
by  sarcasm,  fully  credited  her  prediction.  They  bi 
vouacked  on  the  side-walks  in  motley  crowds  of  men, 
women,  and  children  ;  and  as  the  hours  wore  on,  and 
their  interest  increased,  burst  forth  into  spontaneous 
psalmody.  The  adjacent  thoroughfares  were  as  densely 
jammed  with  curious  and  incredulous  spectators,  and  the 
mutton  pie  and  ballad  businesses  flourished  extensively. 
The  interior  of  the  house,  with  the  exception  of  the 
sick  chamber,  was  illuminated  in  all  directions,  and  the 
dignitaries  of  the  sect  held  the  ante-rooms  and  cofVidors, 
"  in  full  fig,"  to  receive  the  expected  guest.  But  the 
evening  passed,  then  midnight  came,  then  morning,  but 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  385 

alas  !  no  Shiloh  ;  and,  little  by  little,  the  disappointed 
throngs  dispersed  I  Poor  Joanna,  however,  kept  her 
bed,  and  finally,  after  many  fresh  paroxysms  and 
prophecies,  on  the  27th  of  December,  1814,  gave 
up  the  ghost  —  the  indefatigable  Sharp  still  declar 
ing  that  she  had  gone  to  heaven  for  a  season,  only  to 
legitimatize  the  unborn  infant,  and  would  re-arise  again 
from  death,  after  four  days,  with  the  Shiloh  in  her  arms. 
So  firm  was  this  faith  in  him  and  many  other  respecta 
ble  persons,  that  the  body  of  the  Prophetess  was  re 
tained  in  her  house  until  the  very  last  moment.  When 
the  dissection  demanded  by  the  majority  of  the  sect 
could  no  longer  be  delayed,  that  operation  was  per 
formed,  and  it  was  found  that  the  subject  had  died  of 
ovarian  dropsy  ;  but  was  —  as  she  had  always  main 
tained  herself  to  be  —  a  virgin.  Dr.  Reece,  who  had 
been  a  devout  believer,  but  was  now  undeceived,  pub 
lished  a  full  account  of  this  and  all  the  other  circum 
stances  of  her  death,  and  another  equally  earnest  disci 
ple  bore  the  expenses  of  her  burial  at  St.  John's  Wood, 
and  placed  over  her  a  tombstone  with  appropriate  in 
scriptions. 

As  late  as  1863,  there  were  many  families  of  believers 
still  existing  near  Chatham,  in  Kent ;  and  even  in  this 
country  can  here  and  there  be  found  admirers  of  the 
creed  of  Joanna  Southcott,  who  are  firmly  convinced 
that  she  will  re-appear  some  fine  morning,  with  San 
derson  on  one  side  of  her  and  Sharp  on  the  other. 
17 


386  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER    XLVI. 

THE    FIRST     HUMBUG      IN      THE      WORLD. ADVANTAGES 

OF    STUDYING   THE    IMPOSITIONS    OF    FORMER    AGES. 

HEATHEN     HUMBUGS.  THE    ANCIENT    MYSTERIES. 

THE    CABIRI. ELEUSIS. ISIS. 

The  domain  of  humbug  reaches  back  to  the  Garden 
of  Eden,  where  the  Father  of  lies  practised  it  upon 
our  poor,  innocent  first  grandmother,  Eve.  This  was 
the  first  and  worst  of  all  humbugs.  But  from  that 
eventful  day  to  the  present  moment,  falsehood,  hypocri 
sy,-  deception,  imposition,  cant,  bigotry,  false  appear 
ances  and  false  pretences,  superstitions,  and  all  con 
ceivable  sorts  of  humbugs,  have  had  a  full  swing,  and  he 
or  she  who  watches  these  things  most  closelv,  and  re 
flects  most  deeply  upon  these  various  peculiarities,  bear 
ings,  and  results,  will  be  best  qualified  to  detect  and  to 
avoid  them.  For  this  reason,  I  should  look  upon  my 
self  as  somewhat  of  a  public  benefactor,  in  exposing 
the  humbugs  of  the  world,  if  I  felt  competent  to  do  the 
subject  full  justice. 

Next  to  the  fearful  humbug  practiced  upon  our  first 
parents,  came  heathen  humbugs  generally.  All  heathen 
ism  and  idolatry  are  one  grand  complex  humbug  to  be 
gin  with.  All  the  heathen  religions  always  were,  and 
are  still,  audacious,  colossal,  yet  shallow  and  foolish, 
humbugs.  The  heathen  humbugs  were  played  off  by 
the  priests,  the  shrewdest  men  then  alive.  It  is  a  curi- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  387 

cms  fact  that  the  heathen  humbugs  were  all  solemn. 
This  was  because  they  were  intended  to  maintain  the 
existing  religions,  which,  like  all  false  religions,  could 
not  endure  ridicule.  They  always  appealed  to  the 
pious  terrors  of  the  public,  as  well  as  to  its  ignorance 
and  appetite  for  marvels.  They  offered  nothing  pleas 
ant,  nothing  to  love,  nothing  to  gladden  the  heart  and 
lift  it  up  in  joyful  gratitude,  true  adoration,  and  child 
like  confidence,  prayer,  and  thanksgiving.  On  the  con 
trary,  awful  noises,  fearful  sights,  frightful  threats, 
foaming  at  the  mouth,  dark  sayings,  secret  processions, 
bloody  sacrifices,  grim  priests,  costly  offerings,  sleeps  in 
darksome  caverns  to  wait  for  a  dream  from  the  god  — 
these  were  the  machineries  of  the  ancient  heathen. 
They  were  as  crude  and  as  ferocious  as  those  of  the 
King  of  Dahomey,  or  of  the  barbarous  negroes  of  the 
Guinea  coast.  But  they  often  show  a  cunning  as  keen 
.and  effective  as  that  of  any  quack,  or  Philadelphia  lawyer, 
or  Davenport  Brother,  or  Jackson  Davis  of  to-day. 

The  most  prominent  of  the  heathen  humbugs  were 
the  mysteries,  the  oracles,  the  sibyls  (N.  B.,  the  word 
is  often  mis-spelled  sybils,)  and  augury.  Every  respect 
able  Pagan  religion  had  some  mysteries,  just  as  every 
respectable  Christian  family  has  a  bible  —  and,  as  an 
ill-natured  proverb  has  it,  a  skeleton.  It  was  consid 
ered  a  poor  religion  —  a  one  horse  religion,  so  to  speak 
—  that  had  no  mysteries. 

The  chief  mysteries  were  those  of  the  Cabiri,  of 
Eleusis,  and  of  Isis.  These  mysteries  used  exactly  the 
same  kind  of  machinery  which  proves  so  effective  every 
day  in  modern  mysteries,  viz.,  shows,  processions,  voices, 


388  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

lights,  dark  rooms,  frightful  sights,  solemn  mummeries, 
striking  costumes,  big  talks  and  preachments,  threats, 
gabbles  of  nonsense,  etc.,  etc. 

The  mysteries  of  the  Cabiri  are  the  most  ancient  of 
which  anything  is  known.  These  Cabiri  were  a  sort 
of  "  Original  old  Dr.  Jacob  Townsends  "  of  divinities. 
They  were  considered  senior  and  superior  to  Jupiter, 
Neptune,  Plato,  and  the  gods  of  Olympus.  They 
were  Pelasgic,  that  is,  they  belonged  to  that  unknown 
ancient  people  from  whom  both  the  Greek  and  the 
Latin  nations  'are  thought  to  have  come.  The  Cabiri 
afterward  figured  as  the  "  elder  gods  "  of  Greece,  the 
inventors  of  religion,  and  of  the  human  race  in  fact, 
and  were  kept  so  very  dark  that  it  is  not  even  known, 
with  any  certainty,  who  they  were.  The  ancient 
heathen  gods,  like  modern  thieves,  very  usually  objected 
to  pass  by  their  real  names.  The  Cabiri  were  particular 
ly  at  home  in  Lemnos,  and  afterward  in  Samothrace.  » 

Their  mysteries  were  of  a  somewrhat  unpleasant  char 
acter,  as  far  as  we  know  them.  The  candidate  had  to 
pass  a  long  time  almost  starved,  and  without  any  enjoy 
ment  whatever ;  was  then  let  into  a  dark  temple, 
crowned  with  olive,  tied  round  with  a  purple  girdle, 
and  frightened  almost  to  death  with  horrid  noises,  ter 
rible  sights  of  some  kind,  great  flashes  of  light  and  deep 
darkness  between,  etc.,  etc.  There  was  a  ceremony  of 
absolution  from  past  sin,  and  a  formal  beginning  of  a 
new  life.  It  is  a  curious  fact,  that  this  performance 
seems  to  have  been  a  kind  of  pious  marine  insurance 
company ;  as  the  initiated,  it  was  believed,  could  not  be 
drowned.  Perhaps  they  were  put  in  a  way  to  obtain  a 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  389 

drier  strangulation.  The  reason  why  these  ceremonies 
were  kept  so  successfully  secret,  is  plain.  Each  man,  as 
he  was  let  in,  and  found  what  nonsense  it  was,  was  sure 
to  hold  his  tongue  and  help  the  next  man  in,  as  in  the 
modern  case  of  the  celebrated  "  Sons  of  Malta."  It  is 
to  be  admitted,  however,  to  the  credit  of  the  Cabiri,  that 
a  doctrine  of  reformation,  or  of  living  a  better  practical 
life,  seems  to  have  been  part  of  their  religion.  This  is 
an  interesting  recognition,  by  heathen  consciences,  of 
one  of  the  greatest  moral  truths  which  Christianity  has 
enforced.  Something  of  the  same  kind  can  be  traced 

O 

in  other  heathen  mysteries.  But  these  heathen  at 
tempts  at  virtue  invariably  rotted  out  into  aggravations 
of  vice.  No  religion  except  Christianity  ever  con 
tained  the  principle  of  improvement  in  it.  Bugaboos 
and  hob-goblins  may  serve  for  a  time  to  frighten  the 
ignorant  into  obedience  ;  but  if  they  get  a  chance  to 
cheat  the  devil,  they  will  be  sure  to  do  it.  Nothing 
but  the  great  doctrine  of  Christian  love  and  brother 
hood,  and  of  a  kind  and  paternal  Divine  government, 
has  ever  proved  to  be  permanently  reformatory,  and 
tending  to  lift  the  heart  above  the  vices  and  passions  to 
which  poor  human  nature  is  prone. 

The  mysteries  of  Eleusis  were  celebrated  every  year 
at  Eleusis,  near  Athens,  in  honor  of  Ceres,  and  were  a 
regular  "  May  Anniversary,"  so  to  speak,  for  the  pious 
heathens  of  the  period.  It  took  just  nine  days  to  com 
plete  them  ;  long  enough  for  a  puppy  to  get  its  eyes 
open.  The  candidates  were  very  handsomely  put 
through.  On  the  first  day,  they  got  together  ;  on  the 
second,  they  took  a  wash  in  the  sea ;  on  the  third,  they 


390  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

had  some  ceremonies  about  Proserpine  ;  on  the  fourth, 
no  mortal  knows  what  they  did  ;  on  the  fifth,  they 
marched  round  a  temple,  two  and  two,  with  torches, 
like  a  Wide-Awake  procession  :  on  the  sixth,  seventh, 
and  eighth,  there  were  more  processions,  and  the  initia 
tion  proper,  said  to  have  been  something  like  that  of 
Free-masonry  ;  so  that  we  may  suppose  the  victims  rode 
the  goat  and  were  broiled  on  the  gridiron.  On  the  ninth 
day,  the  ceremony,  they  say,  consisted  in  overturning 
two  vessels  of  wine.  I  fear  by  this  means  that  they  all 
got  drunk  ;  and  the  more  so,  because  the  coins  of  Eleu- 
sis  have  a  hog  on  one  side,  as  much  as  to  say,  We  make 
hogs  of  ourselves. 

There  was  a  set  of  mysteries  at  Athens,  called  Thes- 
mophoria,  and  one  at  Rome,  called  the  mysteries  of  the 
Bona  Dea,  which  were  celebrated  by  married  women 
only.  Various  notions  prevailed  as  to  what  they  did. 
But  can  there  be  any  reasonable  doubt  about  it  ?  They 
were,  I  fear,  systematic  conspirators'  meetings,  in  which 
the  more  experienced  matrons  instructed  the  junior  ones 
how  to  manage  their  husbands.  If  this  was  not  their  ob 
ject,  then  it  was  to  maintain  the  influence  of  the  heath 
en  clergy  over  the  heathen  ladies.  Women  have  always 
been  the  constituents  of  priests  where  false  religions 
prevailed,  as  they  have,  for  better  purposes,  of  the  min 
isters  of  the  Gospel  among  Christians. 

The  mysteries  of  the  goddess  Isis,  which  originated  in 
Egypt,  were,  in  general,  like  those  of  Ceres  at  Eleusis. 
The  Persian  mysteries  of  Mithra,  which  were  very  pop 
ular  during  part  of  the  latter  days  of  the  Roman  empire, 
were  of  the  same  sort.  So  were  those  of  Bacchus,  Juno, 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  391 

Jupiter,  and  various  other  heathen  gods.  All  of  them 
were  celebrated  with  great  solemnity  and  secrecy  ;  all 
included  much  that  was  terrifying  ;  and  all  of  their  se 
crets  have  been  so  faithfully  kept  that  we  have  only 
guesses  and  general  statements  about  the  details  of  the 
performances.  Their  principal  object  seems  to  have 
been  to  secure  the  initiated  against  misfortunes,  and  to 
gain  prosperity  in  the  future.  Some  have  imagined 
that  very  wonderful  and  glorious  truths  were  revealed 
in  the  midst  of  these  heathen  humbugs.  But  I  guess 
that  the  more  we  find  out  about  them,  the  bigger  hum 
bugs  they  will  appear,  as  happened  to  the  travelers  who 
held  a  post  mortem  on  the  great  heathen  god  in  the 
story.  This  was  a  certain  very  terrible  and  powerful 
divinity  among  some  savage  tribes,  of  whom  dreadful 
stories  were  told — very  authentic,  of  course!  Some 
unbelieving  scamps  of  travelers,  by  unlawful  ways,  man 
aged  to  get  into  the  innermost  sacred  place  of  the  tem 
ple  one  night.  They  found  the  god  to  be  done  up  in  a 
very  large  and  suspicious  looking  bundle.  Having  sac 
rilegiously  cut  the  string,  they  unrolled  one  envelop 
of  mats  and  cloths  after  another,  until  they  had  taken 
off  more  than  a  hundred  wrappers.  The  god  grew 
smaller,  and  smaller,  and  smaller  ;  and  the  wonder  of 
the  travelers  what  he  could  be,  larger  and  larger.  At 
last,  the  very  innermost  of  all  the  coverings  fell  off,  and 
the  great  heathen  god  was  revealed  in  all  his  native 
majesty.  It  was  a  cracked  soda-water  bottle  !  This 
indicates  —  what  is  beyond  all  question  the  fact  —  that 
the  heathen  mysteries  had  their  foundation  in  gas.  In 
deed,  the  whole  composition  of  these  impositions  was, 


392  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

gammon,  deception,  hypocrisy  —  Humbug!  Truly, 
the  science  of  Humbug  is  entitled  to  some  considera 
tion,  simply  for  its  antiquity,  if  for  nothing  else. 


CHAPTER  XLVII. 

HEATHEN  HUMBUGS  NO.  2 HEATHEN  STATED  SERVICES. 

ORACLES. SIBYLS. AUGURIES. 

Something  must  be  said  about  the  Oracles,  the  Sibyls, 
and  the  Auguries ;  which,  besides  the  mysteries  else 
where  spoken  of,  were  the  chief  assistant  humbugs  or 
side  shows  used  for  keeping  up  the  great  humbug  hea 
then  religion. 

One  word  about  the  regular  worship  of  heathenism  ; 
what  maybe  called  their  stated  services.  They  had  no 
weekly  day  of  worship,  indeed  no  week,  and  no  preach 
ing  such  as  ours  is ;  that  is,  no  regular  instruction  by 
the  ministers  of  religion,  intended  for  all  the  people. 
They  had  singing  and  praying  after  their  fashion  ;  the 
singing  being  a  sort  of  chant  of  praise  to  whatever  idol 
was  under  treatment  at  the  time,  and  the  praying  being 
in  part  vain  repetitions  of  the  name  of  their  god,  and 
for  the  rest  a  request  that  the  god  would  do  or  give 
whatever  was  asked  of  him  as  a  fair  business  transaction, 
in  return  for  the  agreeable  smell  of  the  fine  beef  they 
had  just  roasted  under  his  nose,  or  for  whatever  else 
they  had  given  him  ;  as,  a  sum  of  money,  a  pair  of  pan 
taloons  (or  whatever  they  wore  instead,)  a  handsome 
golden  cup.  This  made  the  temple  a  regular  shop, 


RELIGIOUS*   HUMBUGS.  393 

where  the  priests  traded  off  promised  benefits  for  real 
beef;  coining  blessings  into  cash  on  the  nail  ;  a  very 
thorough  humbug.  Such  public  religious  ceremonies 
as  the  heathen  had  were  mostly  annual,  sometimes 
monthly.  There  were  also  daily  ones,  which  were,  how 
ever,  the  daily  business  of  the  priests,  and  none  of  the 
business  of  the  laymen.  To  return  to  the  subject. 

All  the  heathen  oracles,  old  and  new  (for  abundance 
of  them  are  still  agoing,)  sibyls,  auguries  and  all,  show 
how  universally  and  naturally,  and  humbly  and  help 
lessly  too,  poor  human  nature  longs  to  see  into  the  future, 
and  longs  for  help  and  guidance  from  some  power,  high 
er  than  itself. 

Thus  considered,  these  shallow  humbugs  teach  a  use 
ful  lesson,  for  they  constitute  a  strong  proof  of  man's  in 
born  natural  recognition  of  some  God,  of  some  obligation 
to  a  higher  power,. of  some  disembodied  existence;  and 
so  they  show  a  natural  human  want  of  exactly  what  the 
Christian  revelation  supplies,  and  constitute  a  powerful 
evidence  for  Christianity. 

All  the  heathen  religions,  I  believe,  had  oracles  of 
some  kind.  But  the  Greek  and  Latin  ones  tell  the 
whole  story.  Of  these  there  were  over  a  hundred  ; 
more  than  twenty  of  Apollo,  who  was  the  god  of  sooth 
saying,  divination,  prophecy,  and  of  the  supernatural  side 
of  heathen  humbug  generally  ;  thirty  or  forty  collectively 
of  Jupiter,  Ceres,  Mercury,  Pluto,  Juno,  Ino  (a  very 
good  name  for  a  goddess  that  gave  oracles,  though  she 
didn't  know  !)  Faunus,  Fortune,  Mars,  etc.,  and  nearly 
as  many  of  demi-gods,  heroes,  giants,  etc.,  such  as  Am- 
phiaraus,  Amphilochus,  Trophonius,  Geryon,  Ulysses, 
17* 


894  HUMBUGS    OF    ¥HE    WORLD. 

Calchas,  JEsculapius,  Hercules,  Pasiphae,  Phr}Txus,  etc. 
The  most  celebrated  and  most  patronized  of  them  all  was 
the  great  oracle  of  Apollo,  at  Delphi.  The  "  little  fee  " 
appears  to  have  been  the  only  universal  characteristic  of 
the  proceedings  for  obtaining  an  answer  from  the  god. 
Whether  you  got  your  reply  in  words  spoken  by  the  rat 
tling  of  an  old  pot,  by  observing  an  ox's  appetite,  throw 
ing  dice,  or  sleeping  for  a  dream,  your  own  proceedings 
were  essentially  the  same.  u  Terms  invariably  net  cash 
in  advance  or  its  equivalent."  A  fine  ox  or  sheep  sacri 
ficed  was  cash  ;  for  after  the  god  had  had  his  smell 
(those  ladies  and  gentlemen  appear  to  have  eaten  as 
they  say  the  Yankees  talk  —  through  their  noses,)  all 
the  rest  was  put  carefully  away  by  the  reverend  clergy 
for  dinner,  and  saved  so  much  on  the  butcher's  bill.  If 
your  credit  was  good,  you  might  receive  your  oracle  and 
afterward  send  in  any  little  acknowledgment  in  the  form 
of  a  golden  goblet,  or  statue,  or  vase,  or  even  of  a  remit 
tance  in  specie.  Such  gifts  accumulated  in  the  oracle  at 
Delphi  and  to  an  immense  amount,  and  to  the  great 
emolument  of  Brennus,  a  matter  of  fact  Gaulish  com 
mander,  who,  at  his  invasion  of  Greece,  coolly  carried 
off  all  the  bullion,  without  any  regard  to  the  screeches 
of  the  Pythoness,  and  with  no  more  scruples  than  any 
burglar. 

The  Delphian  oracle  wrorked  through  a  woman,  who, 
on  certain  days,  went  and  sat  on  a  three-legged  stool 
over  a  hole  in  the  ground  in  Apollo's  temple.  This 
hole  sent  out  gas  ;  which,  instead  of  being  used  like 
that  afforded  by  holes  in  the  ground  at  Fredonia,  N.  Y., 
to  illuminate  the  village,  was  much  more  shrewdly  em- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  395 

ployed  by  the  clerical  gentlemen  to  shine  up  the  knowl 
edge-boxes  of  their  customers,  and  introduce  the  glitter 
of  gold  into  their  own  pockets.  I  merely  throw  out  the 
hint  to  any  speculating  Fredonian  who  owns  a  hole  in 
the  ground.  Well,  the  Pythia,  as  this  female  was  termed, 
warmed  up  her  understanding  over  this  hole,  as  you 
have  seen  ladies  do  over  the  register  of  a  hot-air  fur 
nace,  and  becoming  excited,  she  presently  began  to  be 
drunk  or  crazy,  and  in  her  fit  she  gabbled  forth  some 
words  or  noises.  These  the  priests  took  down,  and  then 
told  the  customer  that  the  noises  meant  so-and-so ! 
When  business  was  brisk  they  worked  two  Pythias,  turn 
and  turn  about  (or,  as  they  say  at  sea,  watch  and  watch), 
and  kept  a  third  all  cocked  and  primed  in  case  of  acci 
dent,  besides ;  for  this  gas  sometimes  gave  the  priest 
ess  (literally)  fits,  which  killed  her  in  a  few  days. 

Other  oracles  gave  answers  in  many  various  ways. 
The  priest  quietly  wrote  down  whatever  answer  he 
chose  ;  or  inspected  the  insides  of  a  slaughtered  beast, 
and  said  that  the  bowels  meant  this  and  that.  At  Tel- 
messus  the  inquirer  peeped  into  a  well,  where  he  must 
see  a  picture  in  the  water  which  was  his  answer  ;  at  any 
rate,  if  this  wouldn't  do  he  got  none.  This  plan  was 
evidently  based  on  the  idea  that  "  truth  is  at  the  bottom 
of  a  well."  At  Dodona,  they  hung  brass  pots  on  the 
trees  and  translated  the  banging  these  made  when  the 

O        £? 

wind  blew  them  together.  At  PheraB,  you  whispered 
your  question  in  the  ear  of  the  image  of  Mercury,  and 
then  shutting  your  ears  until  you  got  out  of  the  market 
place,  the  first  remark  you  heard  from  anybody  was  the 
answer,  and  you  might  make  the  best  of  it.  At  Pluto's 


396  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

oracle  at  Charae,  the  priest  took  a  dream,  and  in  the 
mornino;  told  you  what  he  chose.  In  the  cave  of  Tro- 

<5  »/ 

phonius,  after  various  terrifying  performances,  they 
pulled  you  through  a  hole  the  wrong  way  of  the  feath 
ers,  and  then  back  again,  and  then  stuck  you  upon  a 
seat,  and  made  you  write  down  your  own  oracle,  being 
what  you  had  seen,  which  would,  I  imagine,  usually  be 
"  the  elephant." 

And  so-forth,  and  so  on.     Humbug  ad  libitum  ! 

Like  some  of  the  more  celebrated  modern  fortune 
tellers,  the  managers  of  the  oracles  were  frequently 
shrewd  fellows,  and  could  often  pick  up  the  materials 
of  a  very  smart  and  judicious  answer  from  the  appear 
ance  of  the  customer  and  his  question.  Very  often  the 
answer  was  sheer  nonsense.  It  was,  in  fact,  believed  by 
many  that  as  a  rule  you  couldn't  tell  what  the  response 
meant  until  after  it  was  fulfilled,  when  you  were  ex 
pected  to  see  it.  In  many  cases  the  answers  were  ingen 
iously  arranged,  so  as  to  mean  either  a  good  or  evil  re 
sult,  one  of  which  was  pretty  likely. 

Thus,  one  of  the  oracles  answered  a  general  who 
asked  after  the  fate  of  his  campaign  as  follows  :  (the 
ancients,  remember,  using  no  punctuation  marks) 
"  Thou  shalt  go  thou  shalt  return  never  in  war  shalt 
thou  perish."  The  point  becomes  visible  when  you 
first  make  a  pause  before  "  never,"  and  then  after  it. 

On  a  similar  occasion,  the  Delphic  oracle  told  Croe 
sus  that  if  he  crossed  the  River  Halys  he  would  over 
throw  a  great  empire.  This  empire  he  chose  to  under 
stand  as  that  of  Cyrus,  whom  he  was  going  to  fight. 
It  came  out  the  other  way,  and  it  was  his  own  empire 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  397 

that  was  overthrown.  The  immense  wisdom  of  the 
oracle,  however,  was  tremendously  respected  in  conse 
quence  ! 

Pyrrhus,  of  Epirus,  on  setting  off  against  the  Ro 
mans,  received  equal  satisfaction,  the  Pythia  telling  him 
(in  Latin)  what  amounted  to  this  : 

"  I  say  that  you  Pyrrhus  the  Romans  are  able  to 
conquer ! " 

Pyrrhus  took  it  as  he  wished  it,  but  found  himself  sad 
ly  thimble-rigged,  the  little  joker  being  under  the  wrong 
cup.  The  Romans  beat  him,  and  most  wofully  too. 

Trajan  was  advised  to  consult  the  oracle  at  Heliopo- 
lis,  about  his  intended  expedition  against  the  Parthians. 
The  custom  was  to  send  your  query  in  a  letter ;  so 
Trajan  sent  a  blank  note  in  an  envelope.  The  god 
(very  naturally)  sent  back  a  blank  note  in  reply,  which 
was  thought  wonderfully  smart ;  and  so  the  imperial 
dupe  sent  again,  a  square  question  : 

"  Shall  I  finish  this  war  and  get  safe  back  to  Rome  ?  " 

The  Heliopolitan  humbug  replied  by  sending  a  piece 
of  an  old  grape-vine  cut  into  pieces,  which  meant 
either  :  "  You  will  cut  them  up,"  or  "  They  will  cut 
you  up  ;  "  and  Trajan,  like  the  little  boy  at  the  peep- 
show  who  asked  :  "  which  is  Lord  Wellington  and  which 

O 

is  the  Emperor  Napoleon  ?  "  had  paid  his  penny  and 
might  take  his  choice. 

Sometimes  the  oracles  were  quite  jocular.  A  man 
asked  one  of  them  how  to  get  rich  ?  The  oracle  said  : 
"  Own  all  there  is  between  Sicyon  and  Corinth." 
Which  places  are  some  fifteen  miles  apart. 

Another  fellow  asked  how  he  should  cure  his  gout  ? 


398  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

The  oracle  coolly  said  :  "  Drink  nothing  but  cold  wa 
ter  !  " 

The  Delphic  oracle,  and  some  of  the  others,  used  for 
a  long  time  to  give  their  answers  in  verses.  At  last, 
however,  irreverent  critics  of  the  period  made  so  much 
fun  of  the  peculiarly  miserable  style  of  this  poetry, 
that  the  poor  oracle  gave  it  up  and  came  down  to  plain 
prose.  Every  once  in  a  while  some  energetic  and  cun 
ning  man,  of  skeptical  character,  insisted  on  having  just 
such  an  answer  as  he  wanted.  It  was  well  known  that 
Philip  of  Macedon  bought  what  responses  he  wished  at 
Delphi.  Anybody  with  plenty  of  money,  who  would 
quietly  "  see  "  the  priests,  could  have  such  a  response  as 
he  chose.  Or,  if  he  was  a  bull-headed,  hard-fisted 
fighting-man,  of  irreligious  but  energetic  mind,  the 
priests  gave  him  what  he  wished,  out  of  fear.  When 
Themistocles  wanted  to  encourage  the  Greeks  against 
the  Persians,  he  "  fixed  "  Delphi  by  bribes.  When  Al 
exander  the  Great  came  to  consult  the  same  oracle,  the 
Pythia  was  disinclined  to  perform.  But  Alexander 
rather  roughly  gave  her  to  understand  that  she  must, 
and  she  did.  The  Greek  and  Roman  oracles  finally  all 
gave  out  not  far  from  the  time  of  Christ's  coming,  hav 
ing  gradually  become  more  or  less  disreputable  for  many 
years. 

All  the  heathen  nations,  as  I  have  said,  had  their 
oracles  too.  The  heathen  Scandinavians  had  a  famous 
one  at  Upsal.  The  Getae,  in  Scythia,  had  one.  The 
Druids  had  them  ;  so  did  the  Mexican  priests.  The 
Egyptian  and  Syrian  divinities  had  them ;  in  short, 
oracles  were  quite  as  necessary  as  mysteries,  and  con- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  399 

tinne  so  in  heathen  religions.  The  'only  exception,  I 
believe,  is  in  Mohammedanism,  whose  votaries  save 
themselves  any  trouble  about 'the  future  by  their  thor 
ough  fatalism.  They  believe  so  fully  and  vividly  that 
everything  is  immovably  predestinated,  being  at  the 
same  time  perfectly  sure  of  heaven  at  last,  that  they 
quietly  receive  everything  as  it  comes,  and  don't  take 
the  least  trouble  to  find  out  how  it  is  coming. 

The  Sibyls  were  women,  supposed  to  be  inspired  by 
some  divinity,  who  prophesied  of  the  future.  Same 
say  there  was  but  one  ;  some  two,  three,  four,  or  ten. 
All  sorts  of  obscure  stories  are  told  about  the  time  and 
place  of  their  activity.  There  was  the  Persian  or  Chal 
dean,  who  is  said  to  have  foretold  with  many  details  the 
coming  and  career  of  Christ;  the  Lybian,  the  Delphic, 
the  Cnmaean,  much  honored  by  the  Romans,  and  half 
a  dozen  more.  Then  there  was  Mantho,  the  daughter 
of  Tiresias,  who  wras  sent  from  Thebes  to  Delphi  in  a 
bag,  seven  hundred  and  twenty  years  before  the  de 
struction  of  Troy.  These  ladies  lived  in  caves,  and 
among  them  are  said  to  have  composed  the  Sibylline 
books,  which  contained  the  mysteries  of  religion,  were 
carefully  kept  out  of  sight  at  Rome,  and  finally  came 
into  the  hands  of  the  Emperor  Constantine.  They 
were  burned,  one  story  has  it,  about  fifty  years  after 
his  death.  But  there  are  some  Sibylline  books  extant, 
which,  however,  are  among  the  most  transparent  of 
humbugs,  for  they  are  full  of  all  sorts  of  extracts  and 
statements  from  the  Old  and  New  Testaments.  I  do 
not  believe  there  ever  were  any  Sibyls.  If  there  were 
any,  they  were  probably  ill-natured  and  desperate  old 


400  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

maids,  who  turned  so  sour-tempered  that  their  friends 
had  to  drive  them  off  to  live  by  themselves,  and  who, 
under  these  circumstances,  went  to  work  and  wrote 
books. 

I  must  crowd  in  here  a  word  or  two  about  the  Au 
guries  and  the  Augurs.  These  gentlemen  were  a  sort 
of  Roman  priests,  who  were  accustomed  to  foretell  fu 
ture  events,  decide  on  coming  good  or  bad  fortune, 
whether  it  would  do  to  go  on  with  the  elections,  to  be 
gin  any  enterprise  or  not,  etc.,  by  means  of  various 
signs.  These  were  thunder  ;  the  way  any  birds  hap 
pened  to  fly  ;  the  way  that  the  sacred  chickens  ate ; 
the  appearance  of  the  entrails  of  beasts  sacrificed,  etc., 
etc.  These  augurs  were,  for  a  long  time,  much  re 
spected  in  Rome,  but,  at  last,  the  more  thoughtful  peo 
ple  lost  their  belief  in  them,  and  they  became  so  ridicu 
lous  that  Cicero,  who  was  himself  one  of  them,  said  he 
could  not  see  how  one  augur  could  look  another  in  the 
face  without  laughing. 

It  is  humiliating  to  reflect  how  long  and  how  exten 
sively  such  barefaced  and  monstrous  humbugs  as  these 
have  maintained  unquestioned  authority  over  almost 
the  whole  race  of  man.  Nor  has  humanity,  by  any 
means,  escaped  from  such  debasing  slavery  now ;  for 
millions  and  millions  of  men  still  believe  and  practice 
forms  and  ceremonies  even  more  absurd,  if  possible, 
than  the  Mysteries,  Oracles,  and  Auguries. 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS. 


401 


CHAPTER  XLVIII. 

MODERN      HEATHEN       HUMBUGS. —FETISHISM.  OBI.  

VAUDOUX. INDIAN  POWWOWS. LAMAISM. REVOLV 
ING    PRAYERS. PRAYING  TO  DEATH. 

A  scale  of  superstition  and  religious  beliefs  of  to-day, 
arranged  from  the  lowest  to  the  highest,  would  show 
many  curious  coincidences  with  another  scale,  which 
should  trace  the  history  of  superstitions  and  religious 
beliefs  backward  in  time  toward  -the  origin  of  man. 
Thus,  for  instance,  the  heathen  humbugs,  whether  re 
volting  or  ridiculous,  which  I  am  to  speak  of  in  this 
chapter,  are  in  full  blast  to  day  ;  and  they  furnish  perfect 
specimens  of  the  beliefs  which  prevailed  among  the 
heathen  of  four  thousand  and  of  eighteen  .hundred 
years  ago  ;  of  the  Chaldee  and  Canaanite  superstitions, 
and  equally  of  those  of  the  Romans  under  Augustus 
Caesar. 

The  most  dirty,  vulgar,  low,  silly  and  absurd  of  all 
the  superstitions  in  the  world  are,  as  is  natural,  those  of 
the  darkest  minded  of  all  the  heathen,  who  have  any 
superstition  at  all.  For,  as  if  for  the  .humiliation  of 
our  proud  human  nature,  there  are  really  some  human 
beings  who  seem  to  have  too  little  intellect  even  to  rise 
to  the  height  of  a  superstition.  Such  are  the  Andaman 
Islanders,  who  crawl  on  all  fours,  wear  nothing  but  a 
plaster  of  mud  to  keep  the  musquitos  off,  eat  bugs,  and 
grubs,  and  ants,  and  turn  their  children  out  to  shift  for 


402  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

themselves  as  soon  as  the  little  wretches  can  learn  to 
crawl  and  eat  bugs. 

These  lowest  of  superstitions  are  Fetishism  and  Obi, 
believed  and  practiced  bynegro  tribes,  and,  remember 
this,  even  by  their  ignorant  white  mistresses  in  the 
West  Indies  and  in  the  United  States,  to  day.  Yes,  I 
know  where  Southern  refugee  secessionist  women  are 
living  in  and  about  New  York  city  at  this  moment,  who 
really  believe  in  the  negro  witchcraft  called  Obi,  prac 
ticed  by  the  slaves. 

A  Fetish  is  anything  not  a  living  being,  worshiped 
because  supposed  to  be  inhabited  by  some  god.  In  some 
parts  of  Africa  the  Fetishes  are  a  sort  of  guardian  divin 
ity,  and  there  is  one  for  each  district  like  a  town  con 
stable  ;  and  sometimes  one  for  each  family.  The  Fetish 
is  any  stone  picked  up  in  the  street  —  a  tree,  a  chip,  a 
rag.  It  may  be  some  stone  or  wooden  image  —  an  old 
pot,  a  knife,  a  feather.  Before  this  precious  divinity 
the  poor  darkeys  bow  down  and  worship,  and  sometimes, 
sacrifice  a  sheep  or  a  rooster.  Each  more  important  Fe 
tish  has  a  priest,  and  here  is  where  the  humbug  comes 
in.  This  gentleman  lives  on  the  offerings  made  to  the 
Fetish,  and  he  "  exploits  "  his  god,  as  a  Frenchman 
would  say,  with  great  profit. 

Obi  or  Obeah,  is  the  name  of  the  witchcraft  of  the  ne 
gro  tribes  ;  and  the  practitioner  is  termed  an  Obi-man  or 
Obi- woman.  They  practice  it  at  home  in  Africa,  and  car 
ry  it  with  them  to  continue  it  when  they  are  made  slaves 
in  other  lands.  Obi  is  now  practiced,  as  I  have  already 
hinted,  in  Cuba  and  in  the  Southern  States,  and  is  believ 
ed  in  by  the  more  ignorant  and  foolish  white  people,  as 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  403 

much  as  by  their  barbarous  slaves.  Obi  is  used  only  to 
injure,  and  the  way  to  perform  it  upon  your  enemy  is, 
to  hire  the  Obi  man  or  woman  to  concoct  a  charm,  and 
then  to  hide  this,  or  cause  it  to  be  hidden,  in  some  place 
about  the  person  or  abode  of  the  victim  where  lie  will 
find  it.  He  is  expected  thereupon  to  fall  ill,  to  wither 
and  waste  away,  and  so  to  die. 

Absurd  as  it  may  seem,  this  cursing  business  operates 
with  a  good  deal  of  certainty  on  the  poor  negroes,  who 
fall  sick  instantly  on  finding  the  ball  of  Obi,  two  or 
three  inches  in  diameter,  hidden  in  their  bed,  or  in  the 
roof,  or  under  the  threshold,  or  in  the  earthen  floor  of 
their  huts.  The  poor  wretches  become  dejected,  lose 
appetite,  strength,  and  spirits,  grow  thin  and  ill,  and 
really  wither  away  and  die.  It  is  a  curious  fact,  how 
ever,  that  if  under  these  circumstances  you  can  cause 
one  of  them  to  become  converted  to  Christianity,  or 
to  become  a  Christian  by  profession,  he  becomes  at 
once  free  from  the  witches'  dominion  and  quickly  re 
covers. 

The  ball  of  Obi  — or,  as  it  is  called  among  the  Bra 
zilian  negroes,  Mandinga  —  may  be  made  of  various 
materials,  always,  I  believe,  including  some  which  are 
disgusting  or  horrible.  Leaves  of  trees  and  scraps  of 
rag  may  be  used  ;  ashes,  usually  from  bones  or  flesh  of 
some  kind  ;  pieces  of  cats'  bones  and  skulls,  feathers, 
hair,  earth,  or  clay,  which  ou<Hit  to  be  from  a  orave  ; 
teeth  of  men  and  of  snakes,  alligators  or  other  beasts: 
vegetable  gum,  or  other  sticky  stuff;  human  blood, 
pieces  of  eggshell,  etc.,  etc.  This  mixture  is  curiously 
like  that  in  the  witches'  caldron  in  Macbeth,  which, 


404  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

among  other  equally  toothsome  matters,  contained  frogs' 
toes,  bats'  wool,  lizards'  legs,  owlets'  wings,  wolfs'  teeth, 
witches'  mummy,  Jew's  liver,  tigers'  bowels,  and  lastly, 
as  a  sort  of  thickening  to  the  gravy,  baboon's  blood. 

A  creole  lady,  now  at  the  North,  recently  told  a 
friend  of  mine  that  "  the  negroes  can  put  some  pieces 
of  paper,  or  powder,  or  something  or  other  in  your 
shoes,  that  will  make  you  sick,  or  make  you  do  anything 
they  want  I  "  The  poor  foolish  woman  told  this  with  a 
face  full  of.-awe  and  eyes  wide  open.  Another  lady 
known  to  me,  long  resident  at  the  South,  tells  me  that 
the  belief  in  this  sort  of  devilism  is  often  found  among 
the  white  people. 

The  practices  called  Vaudoux  <  >r  Voudoux,  are  a  sort 
of  Obi ;  being,  like  that,  an  invoking  of  the  aid  of  some 
god  to  do  what  the  worshipers  wish.  The  Vaudoux 
humbug  is  quite  prevalent  in  Cuba,  Hayti,  and  other 
West  India  islands,  where  there  are  wild  negroes,  or 
where  they  are  still  imported  from  Africa.  There  is 
also  a  good  deal  of  this  sort  of  humbug  among  the 
slaves  in  New  Orleans,  and  cases  arising  from  it  have 
recently  quite  often  appeared  in  the  police  reports  in  the 
newspapers  of  that  city. 

The  Vaudoux  worshipers  assemble  secretly,  with  a 
kind  of  chief  witch  or  mistress  of  ceremonies  ;  there  is 
a  boiling  caldron  of  hell-broth,  a  la  Macbeth  ;  the  vo 
taries  dance  naked  around  their  soup  ;  amulets  and 
charms  are  made  and  distributed.  During  a  quarter  of 
a  century  last  past,  some  hundreds  of  these  orgies  have 
been  broken  up  by  the  New  Orleans  police,  and  prob- 
bably  as  many  more  have  come  off  as  per  programme. 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  405 

The  Yaudoux  processes  are  most  frequently  appealed  to 
for  the  purposes  of  some  unsuccessful  or  jealous  lover  ; 
and  the  Creole  ladies  believe  in  Vaudouxism  as  much  as 
in  Obi. 

In  the  West  Indies,  the  Vaudoux  orgies  are  more 
savage  than  in  this  country.  It  is  but  a  little  while 
since  in  Hayti,  under  the  energetic  and  sensible  admin 
istration  of  President  Geffrard,  eight  Vaudoux  worship 
ers  were  regularly  tried  and  executed  for  having  mur 
dered  a  young  girl,  the  niece  of  two  of  them,  by  way  of 
human  sacrifice  to  the  god.  They  tied  the  poor  child 
tight,  put  her  in  a  box  called  a  humfort,  fed  her  with 
some  kind  of  stuff  for  four  days,  and  then  deliberately 
strangled  her,  beheaded  her,  flayed  her,  cooked  the 
head  with  yams,  ate  of  the  soup,  and  then  performed  a 
solemn  dance  and  chant  around  an  altar  with  the  skull 
on  it. 

The  Caffres  in  Southern  Africa  have  a  kind  of  hum 
bug  somewhat  like  the  Obi-men,  who  are  known  as  rain 
makers.  These  gentlemen  furnish  what  blessing  and 
cursing  may  be  required  for  other  purposes ;  but  as 
that  country  is  liable  to  tremendous  droughts,  their 
best  business  is  to  make  rain.  This  they  do  by  various 
prayers  and  ceremonies,  of  which  the  most  important 
part  is,  receiving  a  large  fee  in  advance  from  the  cus 
tomer.  The  rain-making  business,  though  very  lucra 
tive,  is  not  without  its  disadvantages  ;  for  whenever 
Moselekatse,  or  Dingaan,  or  any  other  chief  sets  his  rain 
maker  at  work,  and  the  rain  was  not  forthcoming  as 
per  application,  the  indignant  ruler  caused  an  assegai  or 
two  to  be  stuck  through  the  wizard,  for  the  encourage- 


406  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

ment  of  the  other  wizards.  This  was  not  so  unreason 
able  as  it  may  seem  ;  for  if  the  man  could  not  make 
rain  when  it  was  wanted,  what  was  he  good  for  ? 

The  ceremonies  of  the  pow-wows  or  medicine-men  of 
the  North  American  Indians,  are  less  brutal  than  the  Af 
rican  ones.  These  soothsayers,  like  the  Obi-men,  pre 
pared  charms  for  their  customers,  usually,  however,  not 
so  much  to  destroy  others  as  to  protect  the  wearer. 
These  charms  consist  of  some  trifling  matters  tied  up  in 
a  small  bag,  the  "  medicine-bag,"  which  is  to  be  worn 
round  the  neck,  and  will,- it  is  supposed,  insure  the  wear 
er  the  special  help  and  protection  of  the  Great  Spirit- 
The  pow-wows  sometimes  do  a  little  in  the  cursing  line. 

There  is  a  funny  story  of  a  Puritan  minister  in  the 
early  times  of  New  England,  who  coolly  defied  one  of 
the  most  famous  Indian  magicians  to  play  off  his  infer 
nal  artillery.  A  formal  meeting  was  had,  and  the  pow 
wow  rattled  his  traps,  howled,  danced,  blew  feathers, 
and  vociferated  jargon  until  he  was  perfectly  exhaust 
ed,  the  old  minister  quietly  looking  at  him  all  the  time. 
The  savage  humbug  wras  dumbfounded,  but  quickly 
recovering  his  presence  of  mind,  saved  his  home-reputa 
tion  by  explaining  to  the  red  gentlemen  in  breech-cloths 
and  nose-rings,  that  the  Yankee  ate  so  much  salt  that 
curses  wouldn't  take  hold  on  him  at  all. 

The  Shamans  (or  Schamans)  of  Siberia,  follow  a 
very  similar  business,  but  are  not  so  much  priestly  hum 
bugs  as  mere  conjurors.  The  Lamas,  or  Buddhist  lead 
ers  of  Central  and  Southern  Asia  are,  however,  regular 
priests,  again,  and  may  be  said,  with  singular  propriety, 
to  "  run  their  machine  "  on  principles  of  thorough  reli- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  407 

gious  humbug,  for  they  do  really  pray  by  a  machine. 
They  set  up  a  little  mill  to  go  by  water  or  wind,  which 
turns  a  cylinder.  On  this  cylinder  is  written  a  prayer, 
and  every  time  the  barrel  goes  round  once,  it  counts, 
they  say,  for  one  prayer.  It  may  be  imagined  how 
piety  intensifies  in  a  freshet,  or  in  a  heavy  gale  of  wind  | 
And  there  is  a  ludicrous  notion  of  economy,  as  well  as  a 
pitiable  folly  in  the  conception  of  profiting  by  such 
windy  supplications,  and  of  saving  all  one's  time  and 
thoughts  for  business,  while  the  prayers  rattle  out  by  the 
hundred  at  home.  Only  imagine  the  pious  fervor  of 
one  of  these  priests  in  a  first-class  Lowell  mill,  of  say  a 
hundred  thousand  spindles.  Print  a  large  edition  of 
some  good  prayer  and  paste  a  copy  on  each  spindle,  and 
the  place  would  seem  to  him  the  very  gate  of  a  Buddhist 
heaven.  He  would  feel  sure  of  taking  heaven  by 
storm,  with  a  sustained  fire  of  one  hundred  thousand 
prayers  every  second.  His  first  requisite  for  a  prosper 
ous  church  would  be  a  good  water-power  for  prayer- 
mills.  And  yet,  absurd  as  these  prayer-mills  of  the 
heathen  really  are,  it  may  not  be  safe  to  bring  them  un 
der  unqualified  condemnation  :  for  who  among  us  has 
not  sometimes  heard  windy  prayers  even  in  our  Chris 
tian  churches  ?  Young  clergymen  are  especially  liable 
and,  I  might  say,  prone  to  this  mockery.  These,  how 
ever,  are  but  exceptions  to  the  general  Christian  rule, 
viz.  :  that  the  Omniscient  careth  only  for  heart-service  ; 
and  that,  before  Him,  all  mere  lip-service  or  machine- 
service,  is  simply  an  abomination. 

A  less  innocent  kind  of  praying  is  one  of  the  religious 
humbugs  of  the  bloody  and  cruel  Sandwich  Islands  form 


408  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

of  heathenism.  Here  a  practice  prevailed,  and  does  yet, 
of  paving  money  to  a  priest  to  pray  your  enemy  to 
death.  For  cash  in  advance,  this  bargain  could  always 
be  made,  and  so  groveling  was  the  spiritual  cowardice 
of  these  poor  savages,  that,  like  the  negro  victim  of  Obi, 
the  man  prayed  at  seldom  failed  to  sicken  as  soon  as  he 
found  out  what  was  going  on,  and  to  waste  away 
and  die. 

This  bit  of  heathen  humbug  now  in  operation,  from  so 
many  distant  portions  of  the  earth,  shows  how  radically 
similar  is  all  heathenism.  It  shows,  too,  how  mean,  vul 
gar,  filthy,  and  altogether  vile,  is  such  religion  as  man, 
unassisted,  contrives  for  himself.  It  shows,  again,  how 
sadly  great  is  the  proportion  of  the  human  race  still 
remaining  in  this  brutal  darkness.  And,  by  contrast,  it 
affords  us  great  reason  for  thankfulness  that  we  live  in 
a  land  of  better  culture,  and  happier  hopes  and  practices. 


CHAPTER    XLIX. 

ORDEALS. DUELS. WAGER     OF      BATTLE. — -  ABRAHAM 

THORNTON. RED     HOT     IRON. BOILING     WATER. 

SWIMMING. SWEARING. CORSNED.  PAGAN  OR 
DEALS. 

Ordeals  belono-  to  times  and  communities  of  rudeness, 

?T> 

violence,  materialism,  ignorance,  gross  superstition  and 
blind  faith.  The  theory  of  ordeals  is,  that  God  will 
miraculously  decide  in  the  case  of  any  accused  person 
referred  to  Him.  He  will  cause  the  accused  to  be  vie- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  409 

torious  or  defeated  in  a  duel,  will  punish  him  on  the 
spot  for  perjury,  and  if  the  innocent  be  exposed  to  cer 
tain  physical  dangers,  will  preserve  him  harmless. 

The  duel,  for  instance,  used  to  be  called  the  "  ordeal 
by  battle,"  and  was  simply  the  commitment  of  the  de 
cision  of  a  cause  to  God.  Duels  were  regularly  pre 
faced  by  the  solemn  prayer  "  God  show  the  right." 
Now-a-days  nobody  believes  that  skill  with  a  pistol  is 
going  to  be  specially  bestowed  by  the  Almighty,  with 
out  diligent  practice  at  a  mark.  Accordingly,  the  idea 
of  a  divine  interposition  has  long  ago  dropped  out  of 
the  question,  and  duelling  is  exclusively  in  the  hands 
of  the  devil  and  his  human  votaries, —  is  a  purely  bru 
tal  absurdity.  But  in  England,  so  long  was  this  bloody, 
superstitious  humbug  kept  up,  that  any  hardened  scoun 
drel  who  was  a  good  hand  at  his  weapon  might,  down 
to  the  year  1819,  absolutely  have  committed  murder 
under  the  protection  of  English  law.  Two  years  be 
fore  that  date,  a  country  "  rough  "  named  Abraham 
Thornton,  murdered  his  sweetheart,  Mary  Ashford, 
but  by  deficiency  of  proof  was  acquitted  on  trial.  There 
was  however  a  moral  conviction  that  Thornton  had 
killed  the  girl,  and  her  brother,  a  mere  lad,  caused  an 
appeal  to  be  entered  according  to  the  English  statute, 
and  Thornton  was  a^aiii  arraigned  before  the  Kind's 

O  O  CT> 

Bench.  In  the  mean  time  his  counsel  had  looked  up 
the  obsolete  proceedings  about  "  assize  of  battle,"  arid 
when  Thornton  was  placed  at  the  bar  he  threw  down 
his  glove  upon  the  floor  according  to  the  ancient  forms, 
and  challenged  his  accuser  to  mortal  combat.  In  reply, 
the  appellant,  Ashford,  set  forth  facts  so  clearly  showing 
18 


410  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

Thornton's  guilt  as  to  constitute  (as  be  alleged,)  cause 
for  exemption  from  the  combat,  and  for  condemnation 
of  the  prisoner.  The  court,  taken  by  surprise,  spent 
five  months  in  studying  on  the  matter.  At  last  it  de 
cided  that  the  fighting  man  had  the  law  of  England  on 
his  side,  admitted  his  demand,  and  further,  found  that 
the  matters  alleged  for  exemption  from  combat  were 
not  sufficient.  On  this,  poor  William  Ashford,  who 
was  but  a  boy,  declined  the  combat  by  reason  of  his 
youth,  and  the  prisoner  was  discharged,  and  walked  in 
triumph  out  of  court,  the  innocent  blood  still  unaveng 
ed  upon  his  hands.  The  old  fogies  of  Parliament  were 
startled  at  finding  themselves  actually  permitting  the 
practice  of  barbarisms  abolished  by  the  Greek  emperor, 
Michael  Palaeologus,  in  1259,  and  by  the  good  King 
Louis  IX  of  France  in  1270  ;  and  two  years  after 
wards,  in  1819,  the  legal  duel  or  "  assize  of  battle  "  was 
by  law  abolished  in  England.  It  had  been  legal  there 
for  five  centuries  and  a  half,  having  been  introduced  by 
statute  in  1261. 

Before  that  time,  the  ordeals  by  fire  and  by  water 
were  the  regular  legal  ones  in  England.  These  were 
known  even  to  the  Anglo  Saxon  law,  being  mentioned 
in  the  code  of  Ina,  A.  D.,  about  700.  It  appears  that 
fire  was  thought  the  most  aristocratic  element,  for  the 
ordeal  by  fire  was  used  for  nobles,  and  that  'by  water 
for  vulgarians  and  serfs.  The  operations  were  as  fol 
lows  :  When  one  was  accused  of  a  crime,  murder  for 
instance,  he  had  his  choice  whether  to  be  tried  "  by 
God  and  his  country,"  or  "  by  God."  If  he  chose  the 
former  he  went  before  a  jury.  If  the  latter,  he  under- 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS. 

went  the  ordeal.  Nine  red  hot  ploughshares  were  laid 
on  the  ground  in  a  row.  The  accused  was  blindfolded, 
and  sent  to  walk  over  them.  If  he  burnt  himself  he 
was  guilty  ;  if  not,  not.  Sometimes,  instead  of  this, 
the  accused  carried  a  piece  of  red  hot  iron  of  from  one 
to  three  pounds'  weight  in  his  hand  for  a  certain  dis 
tance. 

The  ordeal  by  water  was,  in  one  form  at  least,  the 
same  wise  alternative  in  after  years  so  often  offered  to 
witches.  The  accused  was  tied  up  in  a  heap,  each  arm 
to  the  other  leg,  and  flung  into  water.  If  he  floated 
he  was  guilty,  and  must  be  killed.  If  he  sank  and 
drowned,  he  was  innocent  —  but  killed.  Trial  was 
therefore  synonymous  with  execution.  The  nature  of 
such  alternatives  shows  how  important  it  was  to  have 
a  character  above  suspicion  !  Another  mode  was,  for 
the  accused  to  plunge  his  bare  arm  into  boiling  water 
to  the  elbow.  The  arm  was  then  instantly  sealed  up 
in  bandages  under  charge  of  the  clergy  for  three  days. 
If  it  was  then  found  perfectly  well,  the  accused  was 
acquitted  ;  if  not,  he  was  found  guilty. 

Another  ordeal  was  expurgation  or  compurgation. 
It  was  a  simple  business  —  "as  easy  as  swearing;" 
very  much  like  a  "  custom  house  oath."'  It  was  only 
this :  the  accused  made  solemn  oath  that  he  was  not 
guilty,  and  all  the  respectable  men  he  could  muster 
came  and  made  their  solemn  oath  that  they  believed  so 
too.  This  is  much  like  the  jurisprudence  of  the  Dutch 
justice  of  the  peace  in  the  old  story,  before  whom  two 
men  swore  that  they  saw  the  prisoner  steal  chickens. 
The  thief  however,  crettino;  a  little  time  to  collect  tes- 


412  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    V,  ORLD. 

timony,  brought  in  twelve  men  who  swore  that  they 
did  not  see  him  take  the  chickens.  "  Balance  of  evi 
dence  overwhelmingly  in  favor  of  the  prisoner,*'  said 
the  sapient  justice  (in  Dutch  I  suppose,)  and  finding 
him  innocent  in  a  ratio  of  six  to  one,  he  discharged 
him  at  once. 

This  ordeal  by  oath  was  reserved  for  people  of  emi 
nence,  whose  word  went  for  something,  and  who  had  a 
good  many  thorough-going  friends. 

Another  sort  of  ordeal  was  reserved  for  priests.  It 
was  called  corsned.  The  priest  who  took  the  ordeal  by 
corsned  received  a  bit  of  bread  or  a  bit  of  cheese  which 
was  loaded  heavily,  by  way  of  sauce,  with  curses  upon 
whomsoever  should  eat  it  falsely.  This  he  ate,  togeth 
er  with  the  bread  of  the  Lord's  supper.  Everybody 
knew  that  if  he  were  guilty,  the  sacred  mouthful  would 
choke  him  to  death  on  the  spot.  History  records  no 
instance  of  the  choking  of  any  priest  in  this  ordeal,  but 
there  is  a  story  that  the  Saxon  Earl  Godwin  of  Kent 
took  the  corsned  to  clear  himself  of  a  charge  of  mur 
der,  and  (being  a  layman)  was  choked.  I  fully  be 
lieve  that  Earl  Godwin  is  dead,  for  he  was  born  about 
the  year  1000.  But  I  have  not  the  least  idea  that 
corsned  killed  him. 

The  priests  had  the  management  of  ordeals,  which, 
being  appeals  to  God,  were  reckoned  religious  ceremo 
nies.  They  of  course  much  preferred  the  swearing  and 
eating  and  hot  iron  and  water  ordeals,  which  could  be 
kept  under  the  regulation  of  clerical  good  sense.  Not 
so  with  the  ordeal  by  battle.  No  priests  could  do  any 
thing  with  the  wrath  of  two  great  mad  ugly  brutes, 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  413 

hot  to  kill  each  other,  and  crazy  to  risk  having  their 
own  throats  cut  or  skulls  cleft  rather  than  not  have  the 
chance.  In  consequence,  the  whole  influence  of  the 
Romish  church  went  against  the  ordeal  by  battle,  and 
in  favor  of  the  others.  Thus  the  former  soon  lost  its 
religious  element  and  became  the  mere  duel  ;  abase  in 
dulgence  of  a  beast's  passion  for  murder  and  revenge. 
The  progress  of  enlightenment  gradually  pushed  or 
deals  out  of  court.  Mobs  have  however  always  tried 
the  ordeal  by  water  on  witches. 

Almost  all  the  heathen  ordeals  have  depended  on  fire, 
water,  or  something  to  eat  or  drink.  Even  in  the  Bible 
we  find  an  ordeal  prescribed  to  the  Jews  (Number^, 
chap  v.,)  for  an  unfaithful  wife,  who  is  there  directed 
to  drink  some  water  with  certain  ceremonies,  which 
drink  God  promises  shall  cause  a  fatal  disease  if  she  be 
guilty,  and  if  not,  not.  It  is  worth  noticing  that  Moses 
says  not  a  word  about  any  "  water  of  jealousy,"  or  any 
other  ordeal,  for  unfaithful  husbands  ! 

This  drinking  or  eating  ordeal  prevails  quite  exten 
sively  even  now.  In  Hindostan,  theft  is  often  enquir 
ed  into  by  causing  the  suspected  party  to  chew  some 
dry  rice  or  rice  flour,  which  has  some  very  strong  curses 
stirred  into  it,  corsned  fashion.  After  chewing,  the  ac 
cused  spits  out  his  mouthful,  and  if  it  is  either  dry  or 
bloody,  he  is  guilty.  It  is  easy  to  see  how  a  rascal,  if 
as  credulous  as  rascals  often  are,  would  be  so  frightened 
that  his  mouth  would  be  dry,  and  would  thus  betray  his 
o\vn  peccadillo.  Another  Hindoo  mode  was,  to  give  a 
certain  quantity  of  poison  in  butter,  and  if  it  did  no 
harm,  to  acquit.  Here,  the  man  who  mixes  the  dose 


414  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

is  evidently  the  important  person.  In  Madagascar  they 
give  some  tangena  water.  Now  tangena  is  a  fruit  of 
which  a  little  vomits  the  patient,  and  a  good  deal  poisons 
or  kills  him ;  a  quality  which  sufficiently  explains  how 
they  manage  that  ordeal. 

Ordeals  by  fire  and  water  are  still  practiced,  with 
some  variations,  in  Hindostan,  China,  Pegu,  Siberia, 
Congo,  Guinea,  Senegambia  and  other  pagan  nations. 
Some  of  those  still  in  use  are  odd  enough.  A  Malabar 
one  is  to  swim  across"  a  certain  river,  which  is  full  of 
crocodiles.  A  Hindoo  one  is,  for  the  two  parties  to 
r,n  accusation  to  stand  out  doors,  each  with  one  bare 
leg  in  a  hole,  he  to  win  who  can  longest  endure  the 
bites  they  are  sure  to  get.  This  would  be  a  famous 
method  in  some  of  the  New  Jersey  and  New  York  and 
Connecticut  seashore  lowlands  I  know  of.  The  mosqui 
toes  would  decide  cases  both  civil  and  criminal,  at  a 
speed  that  would  make  a  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court 
as  dizzy  as  a  humming-top.  Another  Hindoo  plan 
was  for  the  accused  to  hold  his  head  under  water  while 
a  man  walked  a  certain  distance.  If  the  walker  chose 
to  be  lazy  about  it,  or  the  prisoner  had  diseased  lungs, 
this  would  be  a  rather  severe  method.  The  Wanakas 
in  Eastern  Africa,  draw  a  red  hot  needle  through  the 
culprit's  lips  —  a  most  judicious  place  to  get  hold  of  an 
African  !  —  and  if  the  wound  bleeds,  he  is  guilty.  In 
Siam,  accuser  and  accused  are  put  into  a  pen  and  a  ti 
ger  is  let  loose  on  them.  He  whom  the  tiger  kills  is 
guilty.  If  he  kills  both,  both  are  guilty  ;  if  neither, 
they  try  another  mode. 

Blackstone  says  that  an  ordeal  might  always  be  tried 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  415 

by  attorney.  I  should  think  this  would  give  the  le 
gal  profession  a  very  lively  time  whenever  the  courts 
were  chiefly  using  tigers,  poison,  drowning,  fire  and 
red  hot  iron,  but  not  so  much  so  when  a  little  swearing 
or  eating  was  the  only  thing  required. 

This  whole  business  of  ordeals  is  a  singular  supersti 
tion,  and  the  extent  of  its  employment  shows  how 
ready  the  human  race  is  to  believe  that  God  is  constant 
ly  influencing  even  their  ordinary  private  affairs.  In  oth 
er  words,  it  is  in  principle  like  the  doctrine  of  "  special 
providence."  Looked  at  as  a  superstition  however  — 
considered  as  a  humbug  —  the  history  of  ordeals  show 
how  corrupt  becomes  the  nuisance  of  religious  ways  of 
deciding  secular  business,  and  how  proper  is  our  great 
American  principle  of  the  separation'  of  state  and 
church. 


CHAPTER    L. 
APOLLONIUS  OF  TYANA. 

The  annals  of  ancient  history  are  peculiarly  rich  in 
narratives  of  pretension  and  imposition,  and  either  ow 
ing  to  the  greater  ignorance  and  credulity  of  mankind, 
or  the  superior  skill  of  gifted  but  unscrupulous  men  in 
those  days,  present  a  few  examples  that  even  surpass  the 
most  remarkable  products  of  the  modern  science  of 
humbug. 

One  of  their  most  surprising  instances  —  in  fact,  per 
haps,  absolutely  the  leading  impostor — was  the  sage  or 


416  m  HUMBUGS    OF    THE   WORLD. 

charlatan  (for  it  is  difficult  to  determine  which)  known 
as  Apollomus  Tyana3us  so  called  from  Tyana,  in  Cap- 
padocia,  Asia  Minor,  his  birthplace,  where  he  first  saw 
the  light  about  four  years  earlier  than  Christ,  and  con 
sequently  more  than  eighteen  and  a  halt  centuries  ago. 
His  arrival  upon  this  planet  was  attended  with  some 
very  amazing  demonstrations.  With  his  first  cry,  a 
flash  of  lightning  darted  from  the  heavens  to  the  earth 
and  hack  again,  dogs  howled,  cats  mewed,  roosters  crow 
ed,  and  flocks  of  swans,  so  say  the  olden  chroniclers  — 
probably  geese,  every  one  of  them  —  clapped  their 
wings  in  the  adjacent  meadows  with  a  supernatural  clat 
ter.  Ushered  into  the  world  with  such  surprising  omens 
as  these,  young  Apollonius  could  not  fail  to  make  a 
noise  himself,  ere  long.  Sent  by  his  doting  father  to 
Tarsus,  in  Cilicia,  to  be  educated,  he  found  the  dissipa 
tions  of  the  place  too  much  for  him,  and  soon  removed 
to  ^Egse,  a  smaller  city,  at  no  great  distance  from  the 
other.  There  he  adopted  the  doctrines  of  Pythagoras, 
and  subjected  himself  to  the  regular  discipline  of  that 
curious  system  whose  first  process  was  a  sort  of  juvenile 
gag-law,  the  pupils  being  required  to  keep  perfectly  silent 
for  a  period  of  five  years,  during  which  time  it  was  for 
bidden  to  utter  a  single  word.  Even  in  those  days,  few 
female  scholars  preferred  this  practice,  and  the  boys  had 
it  all  to  themselves,  nor  were  they  by  any  means  nu 
merous.  After  this  probation  was  over,  they  were  en 
joined  to  speak  and  argue  with  moderation. 

At  JEga3  there  stood  a  temple  dedicated  to  ^Escula- 
pius,  who  figured  on  earth  as  a  great  physician  and  com- 
pounder  of  simples,  and  after  death  was  made  a  god.  The 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  417 

edifice  was  much  larger  and'  more  splendid  than  the 
Brandreth  House  on  Broadway,  although  we  have  no 
record  of  JEsculapius  having  bestowed  upon  the  world 
any  such  benefaction  as  the  universal  pills.  However, 
unlike  our  modern  M.  D.s,  the  latter  was  in  the  habit  of 
re-appearing  after  death,  in  this  temple,  and  there  hold 
ing  forth  to  the  faithful  on  various  topics  of  domestic 
medicine.  Apollonius  was  allowed  to  take  up  his  res 
idence  in  the  establishment,  and,  no  doubt,  the  priests 
initiated  him  into  all  their  dodges  to  impose  upon  the 
people.  Another  tenet  of  the  Pythagorean  faith  was  a 
total  abstinence  from  beans,  an  arrangement  which 
would  be  objectionable  in  New  England  and  in  Nassau 
street  eating  houses. 

Apollonius  however,  who  knew  nothing  of  Yankees  or 
Nassau  street,  manfully  completed  his  novitiate.  Re 
stored  at  length  to  the  use  of  beans  and  of  his  talking 
apparatus,  he  set  forth  upon  a  lecturing  tour  through 
Pamphylia  and  Cilicia.  His  themes  were  temperance, 
economy,  and  good  behavior,  and  for  the  very  novelty 
of  the  thing,  crowds  of  disciples  soon  gathered  about 
him.  At  the  town  of  Aspenda  he  made  a  great  hit, 
when  he  "  pitched  into  "  the  corn  merchants  who  had 
bought  up  all  the  grain  during  a  period  of  scarcity,  and 
sold  it  to  the  people  at  exorbitant  prices.  Of  course, 
such  things  are  not  permitted  in  our  day  !  Apollonius 
moved  by  the  sufferings  of  women  and  children,  took  his 
stand  in  the  market  place,  and  with  his  stylus  wrote  in 
large  characters  upon  a  tablet  the  following  advice  to 
the  speculators  in  grain  : 

"  The  earth,  the  common  mother  of  all,  is  just. 
18* 


118  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

But,  ye  being  unjust,  would  make  her  a  bountiful  moth 
er  to  yourselves  alone.  Leave  off  your  dishonest  traffic, 
or  ye  sha*ll  be  no  longer  permitted  to  live." 

The  grain-merchants,  upon  beholding  this  appeal,  re 
lented,  for  there  was  conscience  in  those  days  ;  and, 
moreover,  the  populace  had  prepared  torches,  and  pro 
posed  to  fry  a  few  of  the  offenders,  like  oysters  in 
bread-crumbs.  So  they  yielded  at  once,  and  ereat  was 
the  fame  of  the  prophet.  Thus  elevated  in  his  own 
opinion,  Apollonius,  still  preaching  virtue  by  the  way 
side,  set  out  for  Babylon,  after  visiting  the  cities  of 
Antioch,  Ephesus,  etc.,  always  attracting  immense 
crowds.  As  he  penetrated  further  toward  the  remote 
East,  his  troops  of  followers  fell  off',  until  he  was  left 
with  only  three  companions,  who  went  with  him  to  the 
end.  One  of  these  was  a  certain  Damis,  who  wrote  a 
description  of  the  journey,  and,  by  the  way,  tells  us 
that  his  master  spoke  all  languages,  even  those  of  the 
animals.  We  have  men  in  our  own  country  who  can 
talk  "  horse-talk  "  at  the  races,  but  probably  none  so 
perfectly  as  this  great  Tyanean.  The  author  of  "  The 
Ruined  Cities  of  Africa,"  a  recent  publication,  informs 
us  that  at  Lamba,  an  African  village,  there  is  a  leopard 
who  can  "  speak."  This  would  go  to  show  that  the 
"  animals,"  are  aspiring  in  a  direction  directly  the  op 
posite  of  the  acquirements  of  Apollonius,  and  I  shall 
secure  that  leopard,  if  possible,  for  exhibition  in  the 
Museum,  and  for  a  fair  consideration  send  him  to  any 
public  meeting  where  some  one  is  needed  who  will 
come  up  to  the  scratch  ! 

But,  to  resume.     On  his  way  to  Babylon,  Apollonius 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  419 

saw  by  the  roadside  a  lioness  and  eight  whelps,  where 
they  had  been  killed  by  a  party  of  hunters,  and  argued 
from  the  omen  that  he  should  remain   in    that   city  just 
one  year  and  eight  months,  which  of  course  turned  out 
to  be  exactly  the  case.      The   Babylonish  monarch   was 
so  delighted  with  the  eloquence   and   skill  of  the  noted 
stranger,  that  he  promised  him  any  twelve  gifts   that  he 
might  choose  to  ask  for.  but  Apollonius  declined  accept 
ing   anything   but    food   and    raiment.       However,   the 
King  gave  him   camels  and  escort  to  assist  his  journey 
over   the   northern    mountains  of  Hindostan,  which    he 
crossed,  and  entered   the   ancient   city  of  Taxilia.      On 
the  way,  he  had  a  high   time  in  the  gorges  of  the  hills 
with  a  horrible  hobgoblin  of  the  species   called   empusa 
by  the  Greeks.     This  demon    terrified   his  companions 
half  out  of  their  wits,  but  Apollonius  bravely  assailed 
him  with  all  sorts  of  hard  words,  and,  to  literally  trans 
late  the  old   Greek   narrative,   "  blackguarded  "  him  so 
effectually  that  the  poor  devil  fled  with  his  tail  between 
his  legs.     At  Taxilia,  Phraortes,  the  King,  a  lineal  de 
scendant   of    the  famous   Porus  —  and    truly   a  porous 
personage,  since  he  was  renowned  for  drinking  —  gave 
the  philosopher  a  grand  reception,  and  introduced  him  to 
the  chief  of  the   Brahmins,  whose  temples  he   explored. 
These   Hindoo  gentlemen   opened   the   eyes  of  Apollo 
nius  wider  than  they  had  ever  been  before,  and  taught 
him  a  few  things  he  had  never  dreamed  of,  but  which 
served  him  admirably  during  his  latter  career.     He  re 
turned    to    Europe    by    way   of  the    Red    Sea,  passing 
through   Ephesus,  where  he  vehemently  denounced  the 
speculators  in  gold  and   other    improper    persons.     As 


420  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

they  did  not  heed  him,  he  predicted  the  plague,  and 
left  for  Smyrna.  Sure  enough,  the  pestilence  broke 
out  just  after  his  departure,  and  the  Ephesians  tele 
graphed  to  Smyrna,  by  the  only  means  in  their  power, 
for  his  immediate  return  ;  gold,  in  the  meanwhile,  fall 
ing  at  least  ten  per  cent.  Apollonius  reappeared  in 
the  twinkling  of  an  eye,  suddenly,  in  the  very  midst 
of  the  wailing  crowd,  on  the  market  place.  Pointing 
to  a  beggar,  he  directed  the  people  to  stone  that  par 
ticular  unfortunate,  and  they  obeyed  so  effectually,  that 
the  hapless  creature  was  in  a  few  moments  completely 
buried  under  a  huge  heap  of  brickbats.  The  next 
morning,  the  philosopher  commanded  the  throng  to  re 
move  the  pile  of  stones,  and  as  they  did  so,  a  dog  was 
discovered  instead  of  the  beggar.  The  dog  sprang  up, 
wagged  his  tail,  and  made  away  at  "two-forty  "  and  with 
him  the  pestilence  departed.  For  this  feat,  the  Ephe 
sians  called  Apollonius  a  god,  and  reared  a  statue  to 
his  honor.  The  appellation  of  divinity  he  willingly  ac 
cepted,  declaring  that  it  was  only  justice  to  good  men. 
In  these  degenerate  days,  we  have  accorded  the  term 
to  only  one  person,  "  the  divine  Fanny  Ellsler  !  " 
That,  too,  was  a  tribute  to  superior  understanding ! 

Our  hero  next  visited  Pergamus,  the  site  of  ancient 
Troy,  where  he  shut  himself  up  all  night  in  the  tomb 
of  Achilles ;  and  having  raised  the  great  departed,  held 
conversation  with  him  on  a  variety  of  military  topics. 
Among  otber  things,  Achilles  told  him  that  the  theory 
of  his  having  been  killed  by  a  wound  in  the  heel  was 
all  nonsense,  as  he  had  really  died  from  being  bitten  by 
a  puppy,  in  the  back.  If  the  reader  does  not  believe 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  421 

me,  let  him  consult  the  original  MS.  of  Damis.  The 
same  accident  has  disabled  several  great  generals  in 
modern  times. 

Apollonius  next  made  a  tour  through  Greece,  visit 
ing  Athens,  Sparta,  Olympia,  and  other  cities,  and  ex 
horting  the  dissolute  Greeks  to  mend  their  evil  courses. 
The  Spartans,  particularly,  came  in  for  a  severe  lecture 
on  the  advantages  of  soap  and  water ;  and,  it  is  said, 
that  the  first  clean  face  ever  seen  in  that  republic  was 
the  result  of  the  great  Tyanean's  teachings.  At  Ath 
ens,  he  cured  a  man  possessed  of  a  demon  ;  the  latter 
bouncing  out  of  his  victim,  at  length,  with  such  fury 
and  velocity  as  to  dash  down  a  neighboring  marble 
statue. 

The  Isle  of  Crete  was  the  next  point  on  the  journey, 
and  an  earthquake  occurring  at  the  time,  Apollonius 
suddenly  exclaimed  in  the  streets  : 

"  The  earth  is  bringing  forth  land." 

Folks  looked  as  he  pointed  toward  the  sea,  and  there 
beheld  a  new  island  in  the  direction  of  Therae. 

He  arrived  at  Rome,  whither  his  fame  had  preceded 
him,  just  as  the  Emperor  Nero  h;»d  issued  an  edict 
against  all  who  dealt  in  magic ;  and,  although  he  knew 
that  he  was  included  in  the  denunciation,  he  boldly 
wrent  to  the  forum,  where  he  restored  to  life  the  dead 
body  of  a  beautiful  lady,  and  predicted  an  eclipse  of 
the  sun,  which  shortly  occurred.  Nero  caused  him  to 
be  arrested,  loaded  with  chains,  and  flung  into  an  un 
derground  dungeon.  When  his  jailers  next  made  their 
rounds,  they  found  the  chains  broken  and  the  cell 
empty,  but  heard  the  chanting  of  invisible  angels. 


422  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

This  story  would  not  be  believed  by  the  head  jailer  at 
Sing  Sing. 

Prolonging  his  trip  as  far  as  Spain,  Apollonius  there 
got  up  a  sedition  against  the  authority  of  Nero,  and 
thence  crossed  over  into  Africa.  This  was  the  darkest 
period  of  his  history.  From  Africa,  he  proceeded  to 
the  South  of  Italy  and  the  island  of  Sicily,  still  discours 
ing  as  he  went.  About  this  time,  he  heard  of  Nero's 
death,  and  returned  to  Egypt,  where  Vespasian  was  en 
deavoring  to  establish  his  authority.  While  in  Egypt, 
he  explored  the  supposed  sources  of  the  Nile,  and  learned 
all  the  lore  of  the  Ethiopean  necromancers,  who  could 
do  any  thing,  even  to  making  a  black  man  white  ;  thus 
greatly  excelling  the  skill  of  after  ages. 

Vespasian  had  immense  faith  in  the  Tyanean  sage, 
and  consulted  him  upon  the  most  important  matters  of 
State.  Titus,  the  successor  of  that  monarch,  manifest 
ed  equal  confidence,  and  regarded  him  absolutely  as  an 
oracle.  Apollonius,  who  really  seems  to  have  been  a 
most  sensible  politician,  wrote  the  following  brief  but 
pithy  note  to  Titus,  when  the  latter  modestly  refused 
the  crown  of  victory,  after  having  destroyed  Jerusalem. 

44  Apollonius  to  Titus,  Emperor  of  Rome,  sendeth 
greeting.  Since  you  have  refused  to  be  applauded  for 
bloodshed  and  victory  in  war,  I  send  you  the  crown  of 
moderation.  You  know  to  what  kind  of  merit  crowns 
are  due." 

Yet  Apollonius  was  by  no  means  an  ultra  peace  man, 
for  he  strongly  advocated  the  shaving  and  clothing  of 
the  Ethiopians,  and  their  thorough  chastisement  when 
they  refused  to  be  combed  and  purified. 


RELIGIOUS    HUMBUGS.  423 

When  Domitian  grasped  at  the  imperial  sceptre,  the 
great  Tyanean  sided  with  his  rival,  Nerva,  and  having 
for  this  offence  been  seized  and  cast  into  prison,  sudden 
ly  vanished  from  sight  and  reappeared  on  the  instant  at 
Puteoli,  one  hundred  and  fifty  miles  away.  The  dis 
tinguished  Mr.  Jewett,  of  Colorado,  is  the  only  instance 
of  similar  rapidity  of  locomotion  known  to  us  in  this 
country  and  time. 

After  taking  breath  at  Puteoli,  the  sage  resumed  his 
travels  and  revisted  Greece,  Asia  Minor,  etc.  At  Eph- 
esus  he  established  his  celebrated  school,  and  then,  once 
more  returning  to  Crete,  happened  to  give  his  old  friends, 
the  Cretans,  great  offence,  and  was  shut  up  in  the  tem 
ple  Dictymna  to  be  devoured  by  famished  dogs  ;  but  the 
next  morning  was  found  perfectly  unharmed  in  the 
midst  of  the  docile  animals,  who  had  already  made  con 
siderable  progress  in  the  Pythagorean  philosophy,  and 
were  gathered  around  the  philosopher",  seated  on  their 
hind  legs,  with  open  mouths  and  lolling  tongues,  intent 
ly  listening  to  him  while  he  lectured  them  in  the  canine 
tongue.  So  devoted  had  they  become  to  their  eloquent 
instructor,  and  so  enraged  were  they  at  the  interruption 
when  the  Cretans  re-opened  the  temple,  that  they  rush 
ed  out  upon  the  latter  and  made  a  breakfast  of  a  few  of 
the  leading  men. 

This  is  one  of  the  last  of  the  remarkable  incidents 
that  we  find  recorded  of  the  mighty  Apollonius.  How 
he  came  to  his  end  is  quite  uncertain,  but  some  vera 
cious  chroniclers  declare  that  he  simply  dried  up  and 
blew  away.  Others  aver  that  he  lived  to  the  good  old 
age  of  ninety-seven,  and  then  quietly  gave  up  the  ghost 
at  Tyana,  where  a  temple  was  dedicated  to  his  memory. 


424  HUMBUGS    OF    THE    WORLD. 

However  that  may  be,  he  was  subsequently  worshiped 
with  divine  honors,  and  so  highly  esteemed  bv  the 
greatest  men  of  after  days,  that  even  Aurelian  refused 
to  sack  Tyana,  out  of  respect  to  the  philosopher's  ashes. 

Dion  Cassius,  the  historian,  records  one  of  the  most 
remarkable  instances  of  his  clairvoyance  or  second 
sight.  He  states  that  Apollonius,  in  the  midst  of  a  dis 
course  at  Ephesus,  suddenly  paused,  and  then  in  a  differ 
ent  voice,  exclaimed,  to  the  astonishment  of  all  :  - — 
"  Have  courage,  good  Stephanus  !  Strike  !  strike  ! 
Kill  the  tyrant !  "  On  that  same  day,  the  hated  Do- 
mitian  was  assassinated  at  Rome  by  a  man  named  Ste 
phanus.  The  humdrum  interpretation  of  this  "  mir 
acle  "  is  simply  that  Apollonius  had  a  foreknowledge 
of  the  intended  attempt  upon  the  tyrant's  life. 

Long  afterwards,  Cagliostro  claimed  that  he  had  been 
a  fellow-traveler  with  Apollonius,  and  that  his  myster 
ious  companion,  the  sage  Athlotas,  was  the  very  same 
personage,  who,  consequently,  at  that  time,  must  have 
reached  the  ripe  age  of  some  1784  years  —  a  lapse  of 
time  beyond  the  memory  of  even  "  the  oldest  inhabi 
tant,"  in  these  parts,  at  least ! 

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A  LONG  LOOK  AHEAD.—  A  novel.  1ZH1O.  cloth,    $1.50 

TO  LOVE  AND  TO  BE  LOVED.-     do.       .  .  do.  $1.50 

TIME  AND  TIDE.—                               do.       .  .  do.  $1.50 

TVE  BEEN  THINKING.—                  do.      .  .  do.  $1.50 

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RUE  TO  THE  LAST.—                      do.      .  .  do.  $1.5< 

OW  COULD  HE  HELP  IT.—           do.      .  .  do.  $1.50 

LIKE  AND  UNLIKE.—                         do.      .  .  do.  $1.50 

LOOKING  AROUND.-  Just  published.  do          $1.50 

Walter  Barrett,  Clerk. 

OLD  MERCHANTS  OF  NEW  YORK.-Being  personal  incidents, 
interesting  sketches,  bits  of  biography,  and  gossipy  events 
in  the  life  of  nearly  every  leading  merchant  in  New  York 
City.  Three  series.  .  .  izmo.  cloth,  each,  $1.75 

T.  S.  Arthur's  New  \Vorks. 

LIGHT  ON  SHADOWED  PATHS.-A  novel.  1  ZmO.  cloth,  $1.50 

OUT  IN  THE  WORLD.—  do.  .  do.  $1.50 

NOTHING  BUT  MONEY,—  do.  .  do.  $1.50 

WHAT  CAME  AFTERWARDS.— In  pTCSS.          .  do.  $1.50 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

ORPHEUS  o.  KERR  PAPERS.— Three  series,     izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 
THE  PALACE  BEAUTIFUL.— And  other  poems,      do.         $1.50 

OT.  nrichelet'8  Works. 

LOVE  (L'AMOUH).— From  the  French.  izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

WOMAN  (LA  FEMME.)—  do.  .  .  do.  $1.50 

Kdmuitd  Itirke. 

AMONG  THE  PINES.— A  Southern  sketch.       izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

MY  SOUTHERN  FRIENDS.—  do.  do.  .  $1.50 

DOWN  IN  TENNESSEE,— fust  published.      .  do.  $1.50 

Cutlibert    Bcde. 

VKPJDANT  GREEN.— A    rollicking,  humorous  novel  of   English 

student  life;  with  zoo  comic  illustrations,    izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

a  tiAKER  AND  DEARER.— A  novel,  illustrated,    izmo.  clo.  $1.50 

truest  Kenan. 

THE  LIFE  OF  JESUS.— Translated  by  C.  E.  Wilbour  fiom  the 

celebrated  French  work.          .          .          izmo.  cloth,  Si. 7 5 

UELIGIOUS  HISTORY  AND  CRITICISM.—  8vO.  cloth,  $Z.5O 

Cuyler  Pine. 

MARY  BRANDEGEE.— An  American  novel       •        *         $i«75 
*  NEW  NOVEL.— In  6ress $1.7  5 


LIST  OF  BOOKS  PUBLISHED 


Josh  Billings. 

HIS  BOOK.— Containing  all  the  rich  comic  sayings  of  this  cele 
brated  writer.  Illustrated.  In  press.  121110.  cloth,  §1.50 

Eyes  Sargent. 

PECULIAR. -One  of  the  most  remarkable  and  successful  novels 
published  in  this  country.  .  .  121110.  cloth,  $1.75 

Mrs.  Ritchie  (Anna  Cora  Mowatt). 
FAIRY  FiNGERS.-A  new  novel.  .  I2ino.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE. MUTE  SINGER.-       do.  InpTtSS.  do.  $1.7) 

Robert  15.  Roosevelt. 

THE  GAME  FISH  OF  THE  NORTH.-Illustrated.        1  2IT1O.   cl.   $2.OO 
SUPERIOR  FISHING.-  do.  do.          $2.OO 

THE  GAME  BIRDS  OF  THE  NORTH.-7fl  preSS.  do.          &2.OO 

John  Phoenix. 

THE  SQUIBOB  PAPERS.-A  new  humorous  volume,  filled  with 
comic  illustrations  by  the  author.  12  mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

J.  Sheridan  Le  Fanu. 
WYLDER'S  HAND.— A  powerful  new  novel.    121110.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE  HOUSE  BY  THE  CHURCHYARD.-       do.  do.  fcl»7$ 

P.  T.  Bariums. 
THE  HUMBUGS  OF  THE  WORLD.- In  preSS.       1  2IT1O.   cloth,   $1.7$ 

Charles    Reade. 

THE  CLOISTER  AND  THE  HEARTH.— A  magnificent  new  novel,  by 
the  author  of  "  Hard  Cash,"  etc.  .  8vo.  cloth,  82.00 

The  Opera. 

TALES  FROM  THE  OPERAS.-A  collection  of  clever  stories,  based 
upon  the  plots  of  all  the  famous  operas.  I2mo.  cl.,  $i.yO 

J.  C.  Jeaffreson. 

A  BOOK  ABOUT  DOCTORS.— An  entertaining  volume  abou( 
famous  physicians  and  surgeons.  .  1 2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

F.  D.  Guerrazzi. 

BEATRICE  CENCi.-The  great  historical  novel.  Translated  from 
the  Italian  ;  with  a  portrait  of  the  Cenci,  from  Guide's 
famous  picture  in  Rome.  .  .  121110.  cloth,  $1.75 

Private  Miles  O'Reilly. 

HIS  BOOK.-Comic  songs,  speeches,  etc.         i  2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 
A  NEW  BOOK.- Jn  press.  .         .         .         .         do.         $1.50 

Rev.  John  dimming,  D.D.,  of  London. 

THE  GREAT  TRIBULATION.-TwO  series.  1  2IT1O.   cloth,  $1.53 

THE  GREAT  PREPARATION.-         do.  .  do.  $1.53 

THE   GREAT  CONSUMMATION.-    do.  .  do.  $1.50 


BY  GEO.    W.  CARLETON,  NEW  YORK. 


Comery  of  Montgomery. 

A  striking  new  novel.         One  thick  vol.,  izmo.  cloth,  $2.00 

1W.  A.  Fisher. 
A  SPINSTER'S  STORY.-A  novel.  In  press,    izmo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Novels  by  Itufflui. 

DR.  ANTONIO.-A  love  story  of  Italy.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

LAVINIA;  OR,  THE  ITALIAN  ARTIST.-  do.         $1.75 

VINCENZO;    OR,  SUNKEN  ROCKS.-  8vO.   cloth,  $1.75 

Iflother  Goose  for  Grown  Folks. 

HUMOROUS  RHYMES  for  grown  people ;  based  upon  the  famous 
"  Mother  Goose  Melodies."  .          .        izmo.  cloth,  $1.00 
The  New  York  Central  Park. 

4  SUPERB  GIFT  BOOK.— The  Central  Park  pleasantly  described, 
and  magnificently  embellished  with  more  than  50  exquisite 
photographs  of  the  principal  views  and  objects  of  interest. 
A  large  quarto  volume,  sumptuously  bound  in  Turkey 
morocco.  An  elegant  Presentation  Book.  $30.00 

ML  T.  Walworth. 
LULU.— A  new  novel.         .          .          .          izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

HOTSPUR.-       do.  ...  do.  $1.50 

Author  of  "  Olie." 

NEPENTHE.-A  new  novel.          .          .          izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

TOGETHER.-  do.  .  .  do.  $1.50 

N.  H.  Chamberlain. 

THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY  OF  A  NEW  ENGLAND  FARM-HOUSE.-$1.75 

Amelia  15.  Edwards. 

BALLADS.— By  author  of  "  Barbara's  History."  $1.50 

S.  M.  Johnson. 
FREE  GOVERNMENT  IN  ENGLAND  AND  AMERICA.-8vO.  cl.  $3.00 

Captain  Semmes. 

CRUISE  OF  THE  ALABAMA  AND  SUMTER.-         I  2mO.   clo.,  $2.OO 

Hewes  Gordon. 

LOVERS  AND  THINKERS.-A  new  novel.      .          .          .     $1.50 

Caroline  May. 

POEMS.— Printed  on  tinted  paper.  izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 

James  H.  Hackett. 

NOTES  AND  COMMENTS  ON  SHAKSPEARE.-    1  2mO.  cloth,  $1.50 

Stephen   Ttlassctt. 

DRIFTING  ABOUT,-Comic  book,  illustrated,  izmo.  cloth,  $1.50 


8        LIST  OF  BOOKS  PUBLISHED  BY  CARLSTON,  NEW  YORK. 

miscellaneous  Works. 

vicioiRE.-A  new  novel.      .          .          .      izmo.  cloth,  $1.75 

QUEST.-              do.               ...                 do.  $1.50 

POEMS.-By  Mrs.  Sarah  T.  Bolton.         .                 do.  $1.50 

THE  MORGESONS.-A  novel  by  Mrs.  Stoddard.        do.  $1.50 

THE  SUPPRESSED  BOOK  ABOUT  SLAVERY.-                  do.  $2.OO 
JOHN  -GLTILDEKSTRING'S  SIN.— A  novel.      .      1  ZHIO.  cloth,  $1.50 

CENTEOLA.— By  author  "Green  Mountain  Boys."    do.  $1.50 

RED   TAPE   AND   PIGEON-HOLE  GENERALS.—    .             do.  $1.50 

THE  PARTISAN  LEADER.— By  Beverly  Tucker.        do.  $1.50 

TREATISE  ON  DEAFNESS.— By  Dr.  E.  B.  Lighthill.  do.  $1.50 

THE  PRISONER  OF  STATE.— By  D.  A.  Mahoney.     do.  $1.50 

AROUND  THE  PYRAMIDS.— By  Gen.  Aaron  Ward.  do.  $1,50 

CHINA   AND   THE   CHINESE.— By   W.  L.  G.  Smith,    do.  $1.50 

THE  WIXTHROPS.-A  novel  by  J.  R.  Beckwith.       do.  $1.75 

bPREES  AND  SPLASHES.— By  Henry  Morford.         do.  $1.50 

GARRET  VAN  HORN.— A  novel  by  J.  S.  Sauzade.     do.  $1.50 

SCHOOL  FOR  THE  SOLDIER.— By  Capt.  Van  Ness.  do.  50  cts. 

THE  YACHTMAN'S  PRIMER.— By  T.  R.  Warren,     do.  50  cfs. 

EDGAR  POE  AND  HIS  CRITICS.— By  Mrs.  Whitman,  do.  $1.00 

ERIC;  OR,  LITTLE  BY  LITTLE.— By  F.  W.  Farrar.    do.  81.50 

SAINT  WINIFRED'S.— By  the  author  of  "  Eric."       do.  $1.50 

A  WOMAN'S  THOUGHTS  ABOUT  WOMEN-       .            do.  $1.^O 

MARRIED  OFF.— Illustrated  satirical  poem.     c          do.  50  cts. 

SCHOOL-DAYS  OF  EMINENT  MEN.— By  Timbs.            efo.  Sl.qo 

ROMANCE   OF   A   POOR   YOUNG   MAN.—    .             .            do.  81.50 

THE  FLYING  DUTCHMAN.— J.  G.  Saxe,  illustrated,  do.  75  cts. 

ALEXANDER  VON  UUMBOLDT.— Life  and  travels,     do.  $1.50 

LIFE  OF  HUGH  MILLER— The  celebrated  geologist,  do.  $1.50 

TACTICS  ;  or,  Cupid  in  Shoulder-Straps.        .          do.  81.50 

DEBT  AND  GRACE.— By  Rev.  C.  F.  Hudson.           do.  81.75 

THE  RUSSIAN  BALL.— Illustrated  satirical  poem.      do.  50  cts. 

THE  SNOBLACE  BALL.-     do.                  do.       do.            do.  50  cts. 

TEACH  us  TO  PRAY.— By  Dr.  Cumming.        .          do.  $1.50 

AN  ANSWER  TO  HUGH  MILLER.— By  T.  A.  Davies.  do.  $1.50 
COSMOGONY.-By  Thomas  A.  Davies.     .          8vo.  cloth,  82.00 

TWENTY  YEARSaround  the  World.    J.  Guy  Vassar.  do.  $3.75 

THE  SLAVE  POWER.— By  J.  E.  Cairnes.  .          .          do.  $2.00 

UURAL  ARCHITECTURE.— By  M.  Field,  illustrated,    do.  $2.00 


234488 


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UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  BER 
BERKELEY,  CA  94720